Posts by casualotter21

Watching the first installment on my new TV is honestly quite depressing. God help us, what a total disaster! I’m fully aware that my standards for cinematic entertainment are embarrassingly low, but even *I* find this movie completely mediocre. And to top it all off, Milla Jovovich is in it!

I just caught the segment on CNN. Now, I could descend into some lengthy philosophical discourse regarding my thoughts on the film and why I could barely wait for Enterprise to start before flipping the channel... which is exactly what I intend to do.

….

I assume one wouldn't open an entirely new thread without some ulterior motive, right?

Anyway, the plot is about... well, what? To be honest, I missed the first 15 minutes where the director (who also happens to be the screenwriter—checked the credits!) actually bothered to explain what the hell is going on here. Since I missed it, the remaining hour and a half was total abstraction to me, primarily because any attempt at establishing a narrative was brutally aborted, mangled, and stomped on by a boot right at the jump. All I know is that an Umbrella Corporation special forces unit breaks into Mexico to shut down a computer named the Red Queen (take note of the number of random capitalized words; you see this constantly in the types of things I enjoy watching, like: The Quickening; The Shield; The Mother; Senior Partners; Mexico, Umbrella—it's all the same). Let’s bypass the fact that Umbrella is quite possibly the stupidest name ever given to a corporation, but these specialists storm an underground lab called Mexico to do... something. Along the way, they encounter Milla Jovovich (that part is good) and her muse (that part is not). They enter the facility and learn that a team was working on a super-dangerous virus <Gasp> that spiraled out of control <Gasp Gasp.> and turned the entire staff into DANGEROUS MUTANT ZOMBIES < GASP> and now the corporation is trying to cover it up from the public <Hrrrrrrk! Zzzzzzz! Hrrrrk!>

Seriously, there is no plot, and the claustrophobic vibe of a high-tech underground lab is practically non-existent. It’s a shame, really, because it would have been quite something to see those empty hallways with sterile white walls and stainless steel doors lit by halogens just to trigger a sense of dread. They could have crafted a REALLY great horror atmosphere if they wanted to: just take a small group of highly individualized characters, toss them into a totally claustrophobic environment full of hidden threats, and force them to fight their way out. Like Cube, but with more gunplay, kung fu, and Milla Jovovich. Sounds damn fine to me!

But NO! Because this is Resident Evil, and like Tomb Raider, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Zerkov, or Frank Herbert’s Dune, it is merely a video game adaptation. And the punishment must fit the crime, so commercial entertainment for kids can only be used to fuel more commercial entertainment for kids. Not that I would even mind if the movie were actually decent or fun. But it isn't.

First, let's talk about the special effects. In movies like this, they are bread and water, but here they are utterly pointless. The terrifying monster from the end of the game... or film... looks roughly like THIS (only toothier), and as if that weren't scary enough, it was done in stop-motion animation. It is the third millennium, people! Get a CGI program instead of life! While watching, I felt like I was viewing some low-budget action TV series: bad effects, unknown faces....

Second, what I didn't like was how absolutely none of the characters had the presence of mind to realize they were facing zombies at any point. You have this guy walking toward them with a broken leg, looking dead, reaching his hands toward their heads despite being riddled with bullet wounds, slightly drooling, ignoring everything they say... The only thing the guy doesn't do is hypnotically repeat "BRAAAINSS!!! BRAAAAINS!!!". The team's reaction? "They are... alive. But they are also... dead. Actually, I'd almost say they are like some sort of... I don't know... 'li-ving dead' or something."
At one point someone says: "Don't you get it? Their blood is curdled like they're dead! And... they aren't reacting to the bullets we're hitting them with! They are... they are..."
Me: "Well, thank God!"
Guy: "...all former employees here!!!!!"
Me: "....."

It seems to be an unwritten rule of cinematic universes that you can only have EITHER products about a certain monster OR the monsters themselves. In Anne Rice's world, you won't find mentions of Vampire: The Masquerade RPG. In the Star Wars universe, there is no sci-fi. Either you have zombies on Earth, or you have movies about zombies. Which is kind of weird, because if I lived in a world with vampires, I'd spend my time making movies about hot, sexy vampires ala "Underworld." As a result of this meta-oversight, nobody in the film ever shouts "BRAAAAAINS! BRAAAAAINS!!!". It never occurs to anyone to grab a fire axe and hack away at these living corpses, because, hey, tiny lead pellets fired at supersonic speeds don't seem to work, so let's try old-school methods. When one of the crew members they thought was dead pulls themselves off the floor and starts crawling toward them, nobody thinks that the fact they have a butcher knife in their gut and smell like decay actually means something. And HOP! Another satisfied McDonald's customer! None of these characters have ever watched a single junk horror movie. Being a geek certainly has its advantages.

Milla Jovovich ends up being the sole survivor. What is that supposed to mean? Are you seriously giving me spoilers? Please! Milla is the only FAMOUS person in this entire movie! OF COURSE she’s the one who makes it to the end!

To wrap this up: the film actually forced me to think, though certainly not because of any intellectual depth intended by the creators—who likely spent their premiere explaining the plot to anyone brave enough to engage their brain cells. No, I was reflecting on how movies about evil corporations that wield more power than federal law, lethal synthetic viruses escaping from labs, and near-supernatural horrors fueled by human stupidity and greed aren't just parts of our reality anymore; they've become total clichés. Honestly, I sat through a movie that, by its very premise, should have terrified anyone living at the turn of the last century, yet my only reaction was to write this sarcastic little post. What kind of world are we living in where such things have become mundane and even boring?

silentharbor88 said:JEEEEEEEE!!!! Sweetkus Đizus Iamblikus Amplifikus!!! JEEEEEEEE!!!!111onetwothreefour

I only managed to catch the beginning. I suppose I'll have to finish the rest later.

The way they list who died and how many survivors are left after each death is a clever touch. (I assume they keep doing that.) And as for the film providing plenty of food for thought—well, it certainly does.

You actually have that on Divx?! No problem, I'll let Melissa Moore32 know I'm meeting up with her later this week so she can hand over that masterpiece!

Aaron Gonzalez4 said:GURPS is superior.🙂

I haven't actually played Tam myself. However, our GM preferred using various custom rules that made the whole experience rather difficult, to say the least.

Brandon Castillo4~ said:I actually picked up the soundtrack just yesterday, and it’s fantastic.👍

The track you're looking for is number 4, "Twisted Nerve" by Bernard Herrmann

My advice? Don't just download that one track; get the whole album...🙂

If my sister doesn't track down this soundtrack for Christmas, I'm getting all medieval on her.

Richard Hernandez13 said:Could it possibly be a funeral march?

I wouldn't know; the only funeral march I recognize is Chopin's, and even then, everyone knows it regardless of whether they realize it belongs to Chopin. It’s essentially the ultimate funeral march: you hear it constantly in cartoons or comedies whenever some old guy kicks the bucket.😁

slyrider16 said:The core theme of the movie... hmm, I suspect it revolves around those 'Sarabande' pieces by Handel. They've just been slightly tweaked for the screen.

Hmm... that doesn't actually clarify much. A Sarabande is a dance from the 17th and 18th centuries, which also serves as the name for a specific type of musical composition. Handel composed them quite frequently. Still, I suppose that's more information than I usually possess regarding any other music I happen to enjoy.

Maria Thomas9 said:What's even the point of this moronic movie by moronic Tarantino?... just moronic 👎 👎 👎

No offense dude, but please tell me what kind of point you were actually expecting from a movie that starts off dead serious by claiming the saying "Revenge is a dish best served cold" is Klingon?

....

On another note, there's already a thread about Kill Bill. Go post it there.

I generally avoid weighing in on serious cinema, as I feel the masses are far better equipped for such heavy lifting than I am. My only observation is how much I enjoyed the score: particularly the title theme and that specific piece—if memory serves—that plays when the protagonist first begins his pursuit of that noblewoman.

coastalorca3 said:Here is the link to the script.
Don't click if you can't resist reading the whole thing... unless you want to ruin the movie for yourself, right? 😉 Kill Bill script

Thanks a bunch! Don't worry, I'm a man of strong character... Not. 😁

If you enjoy watching trash films, then fine by me. It's just important to distinguish whether they were actually designed that way, or if the audience just branded them as such (which probably doesn't please mediocre directors much).
I think if Tarantino really wanted to, he could (consciously) make the BEST TRASH FILM OF ALL TIME, LIKE, EVERRRR!!!!! (in all caps)

Well... that’s exactly the terrible irony of it! My whole take is that that is precisely what he did with Kill Bill. Watching it, I kept thinking, "My God, if someone was crazy enough to have the cash to film their own idea and they did it just like Tarantino—all the exaggerations, all the over-the-top music and dialogue... EVERYTHING!"—I would be absolutely livid and dissatisfied if anyone at my screening didn't laugh at how awful the movie was.
And if the guy was being serious... well, my respect for him definitely takes a hit, but the movie remains a legend to me regardless. I mean, maybe we'll laugh at him for a different reason now, but we'll still be laughing... which is something rarely achieved by any new comedy.

REGARDING CAPS IN THE SCRIPT: It's possible those caps are just a standard convention from the era of typewriters. They don't necessarily carry the same emotional weight as they do on the internet, WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS SCREAMING!!!! !!!! !!!! It's more likely just one of those norms for highlighting IMPORTANT things—so you see what matters at first glance.

That's a shame... I was already about to draw a parallel with some guy on the internet who writes NINJA movie scripts as a joke. But once I read this a bit more closely, it seems I have plenty of material here for comparisons as well. 😁

coastalorca3 said:Everything BAD you see in the movie Kill Bill isn't INTENTIONAL TRASH (because that's not how Tarantino works—otherwise he wouldn't have made the deadly serious Reservoir Dogs), it's just a poorly made film. It's due to Tarantino's own flaws.

Well, I wouldn't know, since I'm not exactly a "Tarantinologist." 😁 I enjoy watching a good movie, but honestly, I don't mind a bad one either. If the guy is really the type of character you're describing, and if he truly takes his work that seriously, then all I can say is that it's a massive shame for him.
Still, it doesn't change anything for me. I'm going to keep enjoying Kill Bill my own way: as a brilliant trash classic that people will still be watching on VHS with friends, popcorn, cocktails, and commentary for years to come.

Can you really do any better than that? 😁

coastalorca3 said:UPDATE!

You can easily find all of Tarantino's scripts online.

It sounds pretty ridiculous, especially those CAPS LOCK parts, if they actually show up in the script. Got a link?

silvermason12 said:Watched the movie today... boring, just plain boring, especially that part where that typical girl gets jumped by 100 people in a hall, and of course, she defends herself... and all that nonsense...

Well... *true*. That’s exactly why I find the film so good and hilarious—because it is intentionally overblown, unbelievable, and forced. Those movies we often see on basic cable or accidentally rent from a video store only to regret spending the money; that's precisely what Tarantino was aiming for here. This film is essentially the most expensive mockery of ninja novels ever made. It's the most expensive piece of intentional TRASH classic.

Anyway, I have a soft spot for trash cinema, so I actually enjoyed watching someone lean so heavily into those clichés. Of course, maybe Tarantino intended to create something purely avant-garde, or perhaps I simply missed the point, but even like this, it's great.

Posters are all over town. Wuhu!

rapidstag74 said:I am going to see a movie this week. No matter what.

That's the spirit! I'm actually heading back to catch that movie again this week myself.

Is it actually any good?

Hello? I’m the one who recommended "dawn bite" to you—the guy who used to write those ridiculous ninja novel parodies with you over at Literature. Dude, of course the movie is good! It's actually fantastic. Its brilliance lies in the fact that it is intentionally trashy and full of clichés. Honestly, if someone ever asked us to adapt a ninja novel, our version would probably end up looking exactly like that film. Trust me on this!

!!!!!!!!!! 1 Quote

Richard Hernandez13, regarding the off-topic stuff... just move those posts over to the Oasis.

That works for me.

Richard Hernandez13 said:Gnn, rapidstag74 and Justin Patel!!!!!

Stop derailing the thread! The last page is just a mess of stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the movie.

😠

As far as I'm concerned, I'm with you. If I had more free time, I'd be the first one jumping in to delete those posts. It’s just not right to go off-topic—and people do it on TV too, though I deal with much more of that in my daily life than I do here...

To bring things back on-topic for a moment: did I mention how much I loved this film? Did I? Well, no matter, I'll just say it again right now! 😁

Justin Patel said:Maybe they have a license or something.

Oh, they certainly don't—that’s precisely the issue. The movie is identical right down to the poster: Kate Beckinsale in a long black leather coat, standing atop a skyscraper during a stormy full moon. If you ever played the computer game "Vampire: The Masquerade Redemption," you'll recall a guy in a long black leather coat standing on a skyscraper under a full moon during a storm appearing on the main menu or in the intro animation.
White Wolf sued them over it—of course, just a week before the film's world premiere. Given that the movie is still playing in theaters, one can assume the lawsuit went nowhere and they reached a settlement.

I want to be one of those decadent, wealthy, powerful, angst-ridden vampires dealing in intrigue and fighting werewolves in the modern world using every piece of modern weaponry at their disposal... and you don't?

Naturally. I also want to be a samurai, a vampire slayer wielding a katana like Uma Thurman, or perhaps a swashbuckling nobleman in some Dune-esque space opera. That is why I play role-playing games with my friends where such things are actually possible. 😁

I am turning into a religious fanatic: while others proselytize faith, I propagate D&D. It's all quite tiresome.

I'm going to watch it too. (No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to pick up the local accent).

Well, damn, you're either from New York or you aren't.

rapidstag74 said:Just explain to me who counts as East and who is West in this analogy.

HAHAHA!!! Well played! Seriously though, you do make one wonder.

Justin Patel said:link please.

Err, *your* link.

rapidstag74 said:P.S.
I'm sitting here watching some movie on local cable where a bunch of hillbillies are opening fire on a parrot with AK-47s.

Well, I'm currently downloading some photos of Chiaki, which were likely taken back when girls her age in America would have been legally prohibited from posing like that. To top it off, I've got Shkoro playing on the TV in the background along with "sumi, sumi, javore." East Meets West. Talk about symbolism.

Justin Patel said:I know this one girl from Singapore, but she had a boyfriend before—probably still does—maybe I'll try to visit her next year...
And I'm heading to Japan too, hoping to pick up some cute Japanese woman...
What kind of course are you talking about?
I have to admit, I wouldn't be able to handle living alone if I didn't at least score one of them-.
If only there were more of them here in Washington, D.C.

Look, I actually saw a couple of them yesterday with my friends at the square after the movie, about ten minutes apart, so no excuses. We were actually a little intimidated after the film because those Japanese people don't mess around, and I certainly wouldn't want to get caught in the middle of that crap.