Maybe the real issue isn't even about hunting for "hot" guys... it’s more about why you’re settling for dudes who don't actually respect you. And what's the deal with that disrespect, anyway? Is this whole "alpha" persona just a fancy euphemism for being a jerk?
So, what does "alpha" actually mean in this context? It feels like people use that term to describe behavior that someone only pulls when they feel totally dominant over everyone else. But let's be real—none of these guys act like that when they're around a woman they actually want to impress. That's where the logic falls apart. If he's acting all confident and self-assured, it probably means you're the one keeping him on his toes...
Or maybe it’s just basic biological differences in how we approach dating. Even if our core needs are basically the same, the way we go about getting them can be worlds apart. Like, one girl might get a massive ego boost from seeing a guy put in serious effort for her, while another would much rather be the one doing the chasing, hunting, and catching. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that...
But now I'm curious... what does an "alpha" look like once they hit their thirties? The last time I associated that vibe with anyone was those high school bullies hanging out behind the gym. Or that mysterious guy riding up to campus on a Harley, hair blowing in the wind, acting like he doesn't even notice girls exist. Then he shows up at some party, sweeps someone off their feet, moves on to the next girl at the next party, and leaves a trail of broken hearts in his wake...
As far as I'm concerned, the thing I rarely find with guys is that sense of being kindred spirits—you know, thinking alike, actually *getting* each other. For me, feeling understood and knowing we see the world through the same lens is everything, but man, that seems incredibly rare. To me, that kind of connection is a much bigger turn-on than some movie-style hug, a kiss, or even just having a pretty face...
I mean, look, some kind of drive to improve is basically mandatory—without it, we’re all just walking corpses, right? And honestly, "the right amount" is such a subjective concept... whatever. But let's be real: climbing the ladder at work is tied to success and, yeah, being better than the competition—whether you mean to or not. Using that urge to outshine everyone else at the office isn't exactly the most noble motivation, but hey, it actually pushes you in the right direction... it makes you actually do the damn work. Now, wanting a hotter or more "desirable" guy than the girls in your social circle? That’s just heading down a dead end. Just because a guy is easier on the eyes doesn't mean the relationship won't be a total disaster. At the end of the day, a romantic relationship is just about two people... just them. Work, though? That’s an individual's relationship with the entire corporate community. So, if you absolutely have to fixate on something and prove your worth through competition, make sure it's your career. It's probably less damaging to your soul. But honestly, I still think what I said earlier about focusing on developing higher-quality personal connections with men is way more important.
So, look, we’re talking about proving your worth here... but honestly? It’s being done all wrong. If you want my real, unfiltered take, you need to stop making men the sun that your entire universe revolves around. Instead, pivot that energy toward actual substance—stuff like killing it at your job, leaning into a hobby you actually care about, building out your social circle, or just meeting different people... specifically guys, but without that heavy sexual or romantic subtext hanging over everything. I really think this kind of self-work helps steady the ship and starts fixing that warped view of yourself and how you handle relationships. When you start seeing men as actual human beings—just platonic connections—you won't be constantly tripping over those deep-seated fears or getting stuck in defensive mode. Eventually, it helps you see them as companions or friends rather than just... I don't know, fuel for your own ego. Not necessarily those specific dudes, but just the male gender in general.
Basically, stop obsessing over guys and start focusing on what you’re actually capable of... your own potential. It’s a choice, really. If you have the willpower to make it happen.
I’m not gonna sit here and edit this like fifty times... seriously. Look, I don't know how old you are, but some things in life—they just stick. They don't change easily, you know? So if this isn't actually wrecking your life, just don't sweat it too much. Besides, finding actual luck in love is pretty damn rare these days—whether you're picky or just plain impossible—and let's face it, we all carry some baggage around with us... we just live with it. Maybe you should just wait for one of those random, lucky moments where you run into a guy who actually gets you and happens to be "the one" too. 🙂
That’s exactly my point—I’m assuming she’s got some deep-seated insecurity because she basically admitted that’s what’s driving the bus.
Scott Lee13 said:I’ve come to realize it’s probably just a total lack of self-confidence, so I feel this constant need to "prove myself," but honestly, it’s causing me massive issues ... See, maybe I’m just terrified of how people would actually see me if I were paired up with some totally "average" guy
And hey, she even mentioned her small-town upbringing was part of it.😛
Look, when you really sit back and peel back the layers, that's the core of it. You're hunting for validation from everyone else, but instead of finding it within yourself, you're trying to outsource all that approval through your boyfriend.
EDIT: Oops, my bad, I thought you said "Not quite..."
So, in what way is this actually messing things up for you?
Look, I’m telling you... take a second and actually deconstruct what you're terrified of. Like, hypothetically—what if you actually fell for a guy who fits that description? What exactly are you scared people will say? You can vent about it here, just lay it all out. Do you think they'd look at you and decide you're some kind of loser because you couldn't "do better"? That's the thing... it sounds like you view a man as this trophy or a tool to validate yourself, mostly because you don't seem to realize how much value you actually hold on your own. If you actually had some backbone and self-worth, you'd realize that being with him would be a win for *him*... not some stain on your reputation. 😉
But honestly? If you could just get out of your own head and stop obsessing over appearances, you'd open up a whole new world of possibilities... because right now, you're basically holding yourself hostage. You're picking guys based on what everyone else thinks instead of what actually makes you happy. And newsflash: nobody else cares about you or your relationship as much as you think they do. So, why are you making yourself miserable for people who aren't even watching?
Then again, that's all assuming you're actually as insecure about public opinion as you sound...
Can you actually feel that physical pull, that crazy chemistry, with someone who isn't some total hunk or even particularly hot? Like, if you felt that spark with a guy who wasn't exactly "macho," would that stop you in your tracks? What kind of "ick" factor hits you when you think about guys who don't fit that alpha mold? What is it about them that turns you off... and how do you imagine life would actually be with a guy like that? Would you worry about how everyone else sees you if you were with a guy who isn't some big tough guy?
Just be real for a second—really dig into those feelings and see what’s actually going on in your head.
Sam Green4 said:I'm not sure if this matters or whatever, but he told me that before we even had sex, right after we kissed... anyway, it doesn't even matter anymore, I'm just gonna let it go.
Seriously though, why do people even enjoy playing with others' emotions like this? I honestly don't see the appeal at all, it's just super pathetic.
Oh, candybar, it’s not that it isn't important—it’s just hilarious how typical and naive it is for women to fixate on a tiny detail like that in the middle of everything else. Anyway, good call on walking away... honestly, it's the only sane thing you could've done. 👍
And he isn't even doing it on purpose, it's just his ego acting out its own little needs... nothing more.
So, you actually think they’d find some grand sense of purpose through that? I mean, are you even a guy? Honestly, who knows how the female brain works... it's a mystery...
And look, it’s not even really about having kids. I know plenty of women—some with one kid, some with three—who are totally miserable, and then there are others, just living their lives, stable and perfectly fine, without any little ones at all. Sure, that biological drive to reproduce is a huge part of being human, obviously, but that doesn't explain general female craziness. They're just wired that way, I guess...
Maybe you wouldn't even think to ask those questions when you're 75... but hey, maybe three months from now it'll hit. Not that he’s even asking. Honestly? If I wasn't human, I'd rather be nothing at all. I don't see any real upside to being a dog or a butterfly—other than, I guess, things being shorter and maybe a little easier on the brain from this perspective...
There's a big difference between feeling like something specific is missing from your life—like friends or just having a good time—and something else entirely. I know you probably didn't mean it literally, but if you can actually picture yourself out grabbing drinks with buddies and feeling fulfilled, then you've already given that desire a shape... which means you can actually start making it happen. Then there's the other thing: that deep, general sense of pointlessness. That's when you can't even begin to imagine a single scenario that would feel worth your time or actually make you feel whole.
Brenda Cooper3 said:But there’s a significant distinction here: you aren't a butterfly. ☕
And honestly, both sides of the coin are just as fleeting when you look at the vastness of the universe... life for a butterfly is basically the same countdown as it is for a human.
Anyway, all this talk about illnesses and whatever else... I mean, what's even the point? Obviously, if some disaster hits—God forbid—you’d have to adapt to a "new normal" just to survive. But that doesn't change the fact that right now, given how things are, you can just be totally indifferent toward life and the future as a concept. How your emotions shift over time? Who knows... we'll just have to wait and see.
Me? I’ve been successfully keeping my emotions on a flatline for a long while now. I’ve already cycled through those phases of pure nihilism and wanting to throw in the towel on life entirely. Now, I’m just chill. Almost like James Bond.
Marko Grubnić seems terrified of being mediocre, but honestly? Not me. I don't even get what the big deal is... why should I be scared of just being average? Most of the time, being "average" is actually the sweet spot. To me, this whole obsession with avoiding mediocrity just smells like an inferiority complex. Like, you feel like you don't even exist unless you're standing out from the crowd—you have to be "better" than everyone else just to prove you're a real person. It’s exhausting... and frankly, it feels wrong. The whole concept of mediocrity is built on comparing yourself to other people, which is already a losing game. Just look at yourself—compare who you were yesterday to who you are now, and who you want to be tomorrow. That's the only metric that matters.
It keeps messing with me too—it starts right around when I miss ovulation, but it doesn't just last one day... it kind of lingers on and off for a few days after, almost every single month 🙄
Did she just convince herself, or did life actually beat it into her head? I mean, do those two even want kids at this point? There is no way her odds aren't significantly lower than 90%... seriously, the math just doesn't add up.
Look, if you ask me... when the healthy folks don't give a damn about the sick ones, it’s perfectly fine for the sick ones to stop caring about them too... It’s just how the math works out. 😁 And hey, maybe they only admit it once they actually fall in love—which is totally fair, right? Just like it’s totally fair for someone to walk away before they even catch feelings, just because you're sick and they don't want to risk getting attached... That's just "love" for you. That's just how people operate...
I could probably handle someone dealing with an illness, but selfishness? No way. Like, I might give a chance to someone struggling with schizophrenia, but if they hold views like Legionov's... man, I wouldn't care if he was Brad Pitt himself, or if he had muscles like a bodybuilder, or even if he was loaded with cash. Because let's be real—if you listen to someone like Legion say, "but if shit hits the fan while I love you, I won't leave," I just wouldn't buy it. If you're a selfish person, you're a selfish person. Eventually, when things actually go south, I’m expecting that kind of person to crack under the pressure... For example, if I get sick, sure, he’s there at first because he loves me, right? But then I’m not that same old fun, beautiful version of myself anymore, and eventually, he gets bored, the spark dies, and he leaves me hanging—sick, miserable, just a shadow of the person he originally fell for... Maybe I'm looking too far ahead, but that’s just how my brain works.
To me, the whole point of love is sharing life, not just being someone's cheerleader. (I can entertain myself or hang out with my girlfriends or my besties, but I can't *share* my life with them in that way). Someone who's actually ready to give their all to me and take what I have to offer is someone capable of loving me—even if that exchange comes with some messy baggage, that's secondary. But on the flip side, someone pushing views like Legion's clearly isn't ready to truly share everything with a partner, so in my book, their ability to love is pretty questionable... I'd probably run the other way from someone like that. I wouldn't think they're a bad person, per se, I just wouldn't ever trust them to have my back.
I mean, maybe in a specific, real-life scenario, someone like Legion would actually step up and act like a better person than I would, but hey, we're just talking hypothetically here...
Carol Thompson said:No, no, you completely missed my point... Of course you shouldn't base a decision on whether you "feel" like doing something (because that doesn't actually solve anything; it just means you're eventually settling for the problem). 🤷 The real issue is figuring out how to bridge the gap from that state of "I just can't" or "this is too hard" back to a state of actual motivation—that feeling of "I want to." You know what I mean? 🙂
Now, gentletiger20 made a great point about self-reflection—identifying causes and consequences, basically becoming aware of the problem before moving toward a fix. But here is what I am actually wondering: how do you begin that process? I'm not talking hypothetically, and I'm not just talking about myself (or whatever I mentioned at the start of this thread). How do you help someone else take that first step? And more importantly, what *is* that first concrete step? It would be incredibly helpful if someone could share some real-world experience... right now, we're all just guessing, more or less. 🤷
What was the realization? What was the actual takeaway? Where is the root of that lack of motivation coming from? For me, it boiled down to fear—fear of life, fear of death, fear of missing the mark on my goals. I can't quite put my finger on how it happened, but I just made this choice to accept that failure is possible... that everything could go sideways at any second and I might not end up being the person I want to be. Once I let those thoughts sit there instead of running from them, the tension just... evaporated. And suddenly, I could actually move.
Mark Nguyen6 said:What happens when you finally realize that the core issue is actually your own fault—that you created this void within yourself simply because you didn't know how to find anything meaningful enough to fill it? And then, the supposed solution is to fill that emptiness with *something*—even though you haven't the slightest clue what that might be, nor do you possess any real motivation to seek it out? In that specific scenario, I guess this entire approach just leads straight toward suicide from a state of utterly incomprehensible meaninglessness—much like what Albert Camus was getting at. The myth of Sisyphus—it’s a heavy one to carry around, isn't it? I suppose there is something deeply resonant about that endless, repetitive struggle. It makes me wonder if we aren't all just pushing our own versions of that boulder up a hill every single day. Maybe the trick isn't in finding an end to the task, but in how we choose to face the climb itself. I suppose we could say...
We have a more recent example—Oliver is singing: Life is much like the earth itself—unpredictable, shifting, and constantly renewing. I guess if you let things slide just a little bit—you know, loosen the reins for a moment—it actually tends to work out better. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like being too rigid doesn't always yield the best results. It’s almost enough to make one feel a bit envious, I suppose—though perhaps that’s just wishful thinking on my part.
I want to say that—it is incredibly difficult here to untangle what serves as the cause and what acts as the effect. You seem to be operating under the assumption that this sense of emptiness is merely a byproduct of some underlying obstacle or struggle—but, I guess, it’s often just the simpler side of the equation. It is entirely plausible—perhaps even likely—that the void itself is the starting point, which then triggers a total lack of motivation and, consequently, leads to an even deeper state of emptiness.
We could even venture into discussing a certain level of fundamental decadence here—if you'll allow me to use such a colloquial term, I suppose.
See, the big distinction here is that I’m convinced—really, truly convinced—that if you actually do the work of questioning yourself and being brutally honest, you *can* find those answers (you know, the ones about what makes life worth living). Sure, there are people who just can't get there, and yeah, some folks are just beyond help, no matter what... but I genuinely believe—actually, I know—that for certain people, this approach works.
Mark Nguyen6 said:I suspect that won't quite work, though, because in a state like that, there might not even be a tangible cause to find. Sometimes the cause is simply emptiness—and emptiness is absolute. Consequently, there isn't really a specific solution to be found. It’s not a matter of doing the wrong thing, but rather a matter of not doing anything at all. It isn't caused by some active inhibition that needs an explanation; it's driven by that void. In these cases, I don't think that particular psychological mechanism works the same way.
From my own perspective—and based on what I've seen with people close to me—that emptiness isn't the actual root cause. Emptiness is just a symptom of some unresolved question you decided to ignore... You have to drag that question back out, fill that void with the actual problem, deal with it, learn how to live with it, and *then* you'll be able to function again. But first, you really have to figure out where that hole came from... basically, what was sitting in that space before you scrubbed it from your consciousness.
So, what do you actually do when you’ve completely lost your spark? Honestly... just start throwing questions at yourself. Mostly the "what" and "why" kind of stuff. You gotta dig deep—re-examine who you used to be versus who you are now, try to pin down what triggered that shift, why it happened in the first place, and what your take on the whole mess is today... why you feel that way, specifically. Once you think you’ve finally nailed down whatever is holding you back, then—and only then—do you start tackling it. I mean, if you’re feeling unmotivated, you have to find the root cause first. It's basic math. The thing is, we can't really talk about "fixing" the cause without knowing exactly what we're dealing with—it's all tied to the nature of the problem itself. So, for starters, just try being brutally honest with yourself. Figure out where this lack of drive is coming from... and stop giving yourself an excuse to be lazy or checked out, right?? EDIT: Or maybe you just need a break? And if you can afford to take one, why the hell wouldn't you? Like, if you had the cash, why not just push back starting college for a year and just... breathe??