In America, I’m really trying to get out there more and actually trust people again. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but honestly, it was more about what life threw at me than who I am... So now I just want to find my people and build some real friendships, though everything else depends on how much effort I put in...
One of those rough ones... A sick family member, a breakup... getting laid off... and now just more stuff piling up... I'm doing okay personally, but since my inner circle is struggling, I can't really say I'm fully happy either... Just hoping things turn around for them soon... Hopefully, the next chapter is a bit kinder...
So, what’s the deal with this year's flu and cold season? I’ve been coughing for two weeks straight, my throat is killing me... and every time I cough, I get this sharp pain in my chest, same thing happens if I take a deep breath. Just constantly blowing my nose... I had a mild fever for a few days at first, but for this to be dragging on this long feels a little weird... looking at my blood work, the only thing out of whack is my monocytes, but even then, not by much... if there was some major infection, my white cell count and CRP would be through the roof too. Anyway, just some bizarre flu or whatever... and apparently, other people are dealing with similar stuff lately... I tested negative for COVID, but still, this specific strain feels off this year... I expected my blood work to go haywire, but nothing crazy, so why the chest pains when I'm coughing or breathing hard? Like, even just walking fast or doing chores around the house...
Has anyone else dealt with symptoms like this only for it to turn out being a standard case of the flu?
People like that just see the world in black and white—you’re either on their side or you’re the enemy. It probably feels like you're the odd one out in your own family... I mean, I doubt that's actually true, but I know that feeling... just try reaching out for some empathy or support, anything at all and honestly, some people just aren't born with the emotional maturity to be parents... you're really the only one who can help yourself here, and I get how much that sucks because your family should be your safe haven, but there are plenty of other emotionally stable people out there we can lean on when things get rough... since if you rely solely on them, you'll end up totally isolated... so just be brave and build your own community... it's not worth getting worked up over them... some people just weren't dealt a good hand... hang in there
Richard Rodriguez17 said:As much as I hate to admit it, you might actually have a point.
But family dynamics are incredibly complicated, and I don't quite know how to explain it without getting way too deep into the weeds.
I get the impression that my dad secretly resents Mom because she isn't that "perfect housewife and saintly woman" she used to be for all those years; she started working in the last few years, you know, and became more "independent"... and he can't handle it.
And I also feel like he’s constantly nudging us to treat her poorly... but then again, she can be extremely exhausting and nagging herself. She's so nitpicky. It's just constant criticism about how you are this or aren't that; she rarely says anything nice, and when she does, it's usually wrapped in a critique, or it's unsolicited advice that nobody asked for in the first place.
I don't doubt for a second that she loves me, it's more that we're just too "enmeshed." I need to find a way to break this unhealthy cycle with her (which shows up in my dating life too, since I struggle to maintain healthy relationships with guys or people in general), but I feel like I have to do it delicately so I don't hurt her, while still finding a way to stand up for myself. I haven't learned how to do that yet. I admit, I can be pretty tactless sometimes. But her reaction really caught me off guard—the fact that she cried so much. Even though I showed her I felt bad, even though I empathized and let her cry it out, I ended up just reverting back to playing the role of the "good girl," the protector and the emotional pillar.
It also hurt that during the therapy sessions she attended with me—even though she wasn't technically the patient—she would pick up information just so she could use it against me or hurt me later. That's actually part of why I stopped going.
I'm not pointing fingers at anyone else, but the truth is my fuse has gotten much shorter lately, which I guess is a known side effect of starting certain medications. I don't blame my little sister, but it's hard not to get frustrated when you're constantly having to clean up the mess someone else makes in their room. I wrote about this in another thread once—everything from breaking electronic devices to ruining makeup, lotions, and perfumes. But I've dealt with that...
As for her being exhausted from catering to everyone, that's true. But she's the one who put herself in that position.
I'm not sure if I heard you right, or if you just don't want to believe it, but she went to therapy just to grab info on you so she could tear you down later?????? Like, you're going to therapy and taking meds, needing support... and instead of being there for you, she uses your illness as a way to bring you down?????? Using your most vulnerable moments against you is just low...
Maybe try finding a therapist on your own, because she clearly isn't providing the support you need... you can't change her, you can only change yourself...
Whatever you do, do NOT tell her anything private, especially nothing regarding your treatment... because to her, intimacy means having control over someone. In her mind, nothing anyone does is ever good enough, and she's always the only one who's right... Try to detach emotionally if you can't move out... because if someone can't be there for you at your lowest, they won't be there for the small stuff either... Don't blame her, don't get angry... that's the worst thing you can do... the best move is to just say "okay" and then do whatever you want... you can't reason with people like that... just don't get sucked into arguments, just nod and agree... that's how you protect yourself from her outbursts...
Harold Anderson3 said:For me, it was a two-year stretch (2018–2020) when I was installing pre-fabricated steel buildings for an Austrian firm, working across the US and even heading over to Canada, Mexico, and Germany a couple of times. I wasn't allowed to work at heights, either—though I actually went up anyway. It’s not that I’m afraid of heights, but because of the medication I’m on, I'm technically prohibited from it, which feels completely nonsensical to me. I can wrap my head around not being allowed to drive, since you need quick reflexes on the road and those meds could cause an accident, but banning me from working at heights makes zero sense and just narrows down my already limited job prospects. Honestly, I don't think my doctor realizes how much he's made things harder for me by declaring me unfit for the role. He's just trying to cover his own tracks, but in doing so, he's created a mess for me. Instead of worrying about falling off a roof—which could happen to anyone, whether they're on medication or not—I'm instead spiraling into these dark mental crises where I contemplate suicide, all because the profession is so enslaved to rigid official regulations. I'd love nothing more than to hand him the warning notice I just received from the bank because I missed two months of payments on my mother's loans. And yeah, I'll probably have to go back to Washington, D.C., because what else can I do? I'm trying to make it work here, but it's just not happening. I'm far too young to just withdraw from the world and surrender to sickness and poverty. I need money, and the only way for me to get it is to work. If I can't work, I won't even be able to afford the basic necessities of life, let alone anything more.
Mad respect to you... given everything you're battling with that illness... 🙂It’s not even about being afraid of heights... I wouldn't step foot on a ladder unless someone was literally holding a gun to my head... I just can't do it... you're out here trying everything, chasing every single thing... though all those meds probably have you moving in slow motion anyway... massive respect to you... 👍
I honestly love following your posts, just waiting for that next hit of positivity from you... especially seeing how your grit and drive always seem to outrun those "official regulations" in the end. You’ve proven you can beat the system more times than I can count, Harold Anderson3, and I really hope you keep doing exactly that... 🙂
Harold Anderson3 said:But look, it’s a bit of a catch-22. I manage to land a job, my employer is actually really happy with my performance, and then suddenly, three weeks in, a doctor hands me a report saying I’m unfit for duty because I’m strictly forbidden from working at heights—which is exactly what this job requires. They’re being kind enough to cover all my necessary medications for free, but let's face it, you can't pay your mortgage or buy groceries with a handful of pills. It’s like they want to support my ability to work, yet they tell me I can't go up high, I can't work night shifts, and I can't operate heavy machinery or vehicles. At this point, I think employers are starting to wonder what I *am* actually allowed to do. 😕
I get where you're coming from, man... having an illness really narrows down your options, which feels totally unfair... you've got the drive and the hustle, and your boss thinks you're solid, but the system just won't let you be...
Have you thought about moving back to Washington, D.C.? You might have more luck there, especially since you mentioned you used to pull decent paychecks and felt more connected to people back in the capital... maybe there are better openings waiting for you in Washington, D.C.?
Harold Anderson3 said:I don't really see the point in working under the table if I can't even get the benefits of being officially employed.
I know plenty of folks who pick up side gigs in greenhouses or doing cleaning jobs strictly under the radar... basically just cash under the table since they can't land anything official right now, but since you're out in the Midwest at the moment, I'm not entirely sure what the local landscape looks like over there... You've been through way too much and you're honestly such a powerhouse to be throwing in the towel now... The system is just the way it is, we're living in a capitalist society after all, so I figured you were just doing whatever you had to do to get by if things weren't going quite the way they should...
Harold Anderson3 said:My dad actually helped me quite a lot over the last year or two, even back when my mom was still with us, and he ended up covering the entire cost of her funeral. It’s certainly not his obligation to bail me out, as I’ve been an adult for a long time now. My employer was actually ready to bring me on board, and I've been working for him for three weeks already, right up until he saw the occupational health report stating I don't meet the physical requirements for the role. Then there's the bank, which is insisting on getting its cut—basically demanding I pay off my mom's loans because the inheritance value exceeds the debt. As for friends... honestly, that's a strange question to ask, because I don't think anyone looks for friends specifically to have them pay off their debts, do they? I feel pretty miserable, abandoned, and mostly just angry at the doctors and the bank, though I've already explained the details of that mess above. I was there for my mom until her very last breath, yet now I'm left feeling like I'd rather just end it all to find some peace, because it feels like you're only considered valuable as long as you're productive—as if you don't deserve to exist if you can't work.
They aren't going to wipe those debts for you, and honestly, you'd have to be crazy to co-sign for anyone these days... might be better to just find some under-the-table work until things settle down...
Harold Anderson3, what’s the deal with your old man? Is he even in the loop with all this? I mean, couldn't he step in just a little bit... you're his kid, after all... or maybe some family from your mom's side... or even your dad's people... just to help carry the load until you get back on your feet? And what about your friends? Surely you've got someone in your corner... you aren't alone, and you definitely aren't some pushover, you're a fighter... it would just be a hell of a lot easier if you had at least a little support from somewhere... I just don't see where your father is in all this, or where your friends have gone...
Charles Wood73 said:I think I read somewhere that self-improvement fundamentally involves identifying and stripping away cognitive distortions—you know, those mental traps like overgeneralization where we start using words like "always," "never," "nowhere," or "nobody" to describe everything.
Did a little deep dive into cognitive distortions on Google yesterday, actually pretty eye-opening stuff 👍
Jonathan Fowler14 said:Biological needs affect both the body and the mind, encompassing everything required for an individual's mental and physical health. Loneliness or feeling isolated can lead to sadness, illness, or depression, and it can physically manifest as various health issues. Social needs actually became part of our biology a very long time ago through things like tribal structures and natural selection. Our brains are simply hardwired this way, so saying the need for companionship is merely "culturally accepted social behavior" is just incorrect.
There's a really great video that explains this much better than I ever could 😁
The video is great 👍, simple and clear... but it feels more like it's about loneliness in general rather than specifically about relationships... I still lean toward thinking people should be somewhat "put together" and functional before jumping into a relationship, and if they aren't, they probably need a partner who is strong enough to handle their baggage... and hey, it's great if those people find each other... but if they don't and they just pass that trauma down to their kids... I really feel like relationships aren't for everyone, and someone who is abusive definitely shouldn't be looking for a partner...
Jonathan Fowler14 said:It’s honestly a bit disheartening to see how many people prioritize their own struggles over everything else. There seems to be this overwhelming sense of egocentrism lately, where everything just revolves around "me, me, me"—what am I getting out of this, or what can others do for me? It feels like that mindset is being encouraged and normalized everywhere.
I don't get why people think self-improvement and being in a relationship are mutually exclusive. The idea that you have to isolate yourself until you're "good enough" for someone else just doesn't make sense to me. You could spend your entire life working on yourself and still never feel "perfect," because nobody actually is. Besides, what's the point of striving for perfection if you don't have anyone to share that growth with? 🤔
I guess it's better for them to be with someone, sure... but that partner has to be incredibly strong to handle all those baggage issues... and like I said, energy is contagious... if someone has enough internal strength and love to balance out a partner who's struggling, then it works out beautifully for both people... but most often, someone who can't coexist with others—whether it's due to pure ego or deep-seated issues—ends up alone... it’s just like the animal kingdom, really, nothing surprising there...
There's way too much emphasis nowadays on the importance of coexistence. To me, the ideal is for people to "find themselves," build a family, love and respect one another, and truly complement each other... but some people just aren't built for it, some don't want it, and some just have egos that are way too massive...
And then you have people who, after a few years, end up killing their spouse, or taking their own lives, or abusing their kids... doesn't matter if they're men or women... and why should people like that be allowed to have anyone close to them when, aside from destroying their own lives, they destroy so many others too... in my opinion, it's better if they just stay solo... 🤔
I guess we’re just waiting to see how this all plays out...
Jonathan Fowler14 said:I don't see why you'd separate the need for companionship from the need for connection; they basically explain one another. From a purely biological standpoint, humans have an inherent drive for community. Those who lack that drive don't pass on their genes because they don't feel the urge for partnership, social bonds, or starting families.
The pain of loneliness can actually manifest physically, and I think we know why: our brains are telling us that isolation isn't a healthy state for a human being and could actually be dangerous.
I'm not a fan of the cliché, "fix yourself before you're ready for someone else." It makes it sound like only "perfected" people deserve love and acceptance. Nobody is perfect, and people in relationships certainly aren't either. In fact, it's often through others that we grow, which is why living in a community is so important. If we didn't have others to advise us, correct us, and model civilized behavior, humanity would still be stuck in the Stone Age.
Of course, balance is key, but being in a relationship helps you learn about yourself without being constantly hyper-focused on your own ego—which, in my opinion, is a huge cause of unhappiness. Sometimes we really need someone else's objective perspective, reaction, or experience to help us realize something about ourselves. At our core, we are all quite similar.
After all, we wouldn't have developed such incredibly complex communication skills compared to any other species if we weren't meant to interact.
I’m a big believer in that whole "fix yourself before you try to fix anyone else" mantra... it's honestly exhausting trying to navigate life with someone who hasn't done their own inner work, mostly because you end up absorbing all that heavy energy... there's this book, Narcissus and Rose, that really dives into what it's like living with a Narcissus... it shows how one person's pathology can basically poison the entire family dynamic, especially since the person at the center usually doesn't even realize they're doing it... it's pretty heavy stuff, and if someone is choosing to walk into that kind of chaos wide-eyed, they've gotta be a hell of a lot tougher than most...
briskpuma6 said:I am in complete agreement that letting go is necessary, though I haven't quite figured out the "how" yet. Simply trying to forget doesn't seem to solve anything, because without real change, I’d probably just react the exact same way when faced with similar situations down the road.
You know how narcissists can cry so convincingly? It’s enough to make your heart break for them.
It’s all about just taking the hits over and over until your skin finally toughens up... When I was working on a factory line, my hands were constantly bleeding at first because my skin is so sensitive, but after grinding through a few hundred units and getting those boxes packed, things changed... you just have to push through the pain until you're calloused enough to handle it...
I know I can fake just about anything, but crying? Yeah, I doubt it... honestly, I used to think people felt that way right in the moment, but then after a few minutes they can't even remember why they were upset in the first place... anyway, let's not dwell on them, we really need to just let things go, right...
I haven't quite let go of them yet, so I'm really not sure... maybe someone who actually pulled it off can weigh in...
briskpuma6 said:@ ironrider11 I agree; letting go is absolutely necessary.
@ Maria Price3 I understand, and I’m actively working on shedding this anger. I think I'm finally making progress—at least, I'd like to believe I am.
@ Chris Grant3 Precisely. But the real question is, HOW?
@ silvereagle7 I'm with you on this: the more indifference we project, the less interesting we become to them, and they'll eventually leave us alone. It’s always the same dilemma: you have to grit your teeth and act indifferent, which is vital, but how do you actually achieve true apathy without it being an agonizing struggle?
Like Maria Price3 was saying, you have to let go... easier said than done, really, because if you don't heal those deep scars, you just keep running into people who trigger them all over again. You see it all the time with kids from abusive homes ending up with partners who are just as bad, maybe even worse than their parents... and it goes on forever... then you have people who had such a rough start that they end up in toxic jobs where they feel like they deserve the struggle, just projecting everything onto their lives... they haven't actually let anything go, so they're just spinning in circles...
Someone once told me something beautiful, about how we all have a certain purpose in this world, for others and because we're all connected in some way, so even if we aren't literally one, we should be out there spreading light for each other...
Like, if you've been through hell, you won't even need words to know when someone else is drowning, and you'll reach out because nobody reached out to you when you were down, and that's how you pass the light along...
Anyway, letting go of the stuff that truly hurts is the hardest part, and honestly, I haven't fully mastered it yet, but I think the idea makes sense...
Another thing about psychopaths—the second you stop letting their little games or comments get under your skin, they just bail and go hunting for a new target... If you try to drag them into your web or play devil's advocate, you're basically toast, because in their world, they’re never wrong and nothing is ever their fault. They really just need someone who’ll always play along and dance to their tune...
I’ve come to realize that narcissism and being Depressive are really just two sides of the same coin... Narcissists are obsessed with themselves in a positive way, while Depressives are stuck in that loop of negative self-obsession. At the end of the day, they both just think about themselves way too much. It’s a tragic pattern because they tend to gravitate toward each other—one side is desperate for confidence and ego, while the other is starving for humility and actual empathy from others... mostly because narcissists or psychopaths have a pretty narrow emotional range compared to most people. There’s usually this dark, masochistic thread tying them together... A Depressive craves the struggle, whereas a narcissist lives to inflict it on everyone else... Honestly, the best thing would be for those couples to never have kids, because a narcissist will treat their pets one way and then turn around and tear an sensitive child apart. But unfortunately, life happens, and those kids end up inheriting all the "fruits" of that toxic love—usually just pure self-destruction, rage, and total chaos. If there's any silver lining, it's that their offspring often grow up more perceptive because they had to survive so much... Bottom line, if you're a sensitive kid with a narcissistic parent, you're in for a rough ride... though there's always hope if you fight back..
Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I guess you could say I was already starting to feel the weight of everything back then. On top of that, I’d just gone through this breakup, and honestly, it felt like my whole world had just collapsed. So, yeah, I ended up moving back home. It’s actually pretty nice being back—my family really looks out for me and takes care of things, and we all get along great. I don't really spend much time thinking about moving out on my own anymore. Things were going relatively well until that big earthquake hit, which was also when I first started posting here... I actually had some plans in motion, too... but nothing much ever really materialized. Then the lockdown happened, and I think it just kind of grounded me in a bad way. It was like I suddenly realized that none of the stuff in my life actually mattered anymore. It was such a sudden downward spiral, and I can't even point to one specific thing that triggered it all.
I guess I totally misread the situation 🙄, I thought your folks were breathing down your neck and telling you how to live your life, which would explain why you felt so lost... but if they’re actually backing you up, that changes the whole vibe...