Posts by Jonathan Howard

Joseph Ramirez9 said:He’s not wrong. The real question is whether I can even start healing while I'm still stuck in this thing with her.

I have this nagging feeling that moving on with someone else would be way easier, but that’s just not what my heart is set on...

Man, why all the drama over a simple breakup?
Of course that’s what you want—to just move on with someone else.
It really just comes down to having the guts to make the call. Habit is a powerful thing. And a steady paycheck is just as powerful. 😁

fadedgardener8 said:There seems to be two competing theories floating around regarding the psychology of smokers. One school of thought suggests they might lean toward impulsive behavior, sudden outbursts of aggression, or a certain stubborn intolerance. On the other hand, some argue that smokers tend to be exceptionally open and gregarious, possessing a natural warmth and a genuine love for social gatherings. Regardless of which side of the psychological coin you land on, there is a common thread that binds them all: a palpable friction with non-smokers, often manifesting as deep offense when they are told they can't light up inside someone’s home or in specific public spaces.
We also tend to categorize these individuals into distinct groups—the daily ritualists who smoke every single day, and the recreational types who only pick up a cigarette during weekend outings or late-night parties.
I find myself wondering how much weight these observations actually carry. Is there a legitimate correlation between smoking and these specific personality traits, or are we simply guilty of throwing everyone into the same bucket through sweeping generalizations? Furthermore, does a meaningful distinction truly exist between the heavy daily smoker and the occasional social smoker, or is the reality much simpler—it's either a habit you have, or it isn't?

I recently finished a book focused on the mechanics of addiction, which laid out these exact perspectives.

For my part, I don't smoke, nor do I harbor any particular grievance against those who do.

Let the debate begin.😁😁😁

Total nonsense. Which "book" was it? I'd love to know which idiot wrote it.

As for the bolded part, 🙄
I can only imagine how much of a stunted intellect it takes to write something this ridiculous (referring to the author). Talk about a massive bias against smokers.
I used to be a heavy smoker. Non-smokers never rubbed me the wrong way unless they started lecturing me about why I still smoked in this day and age. 🙄To me, it felt like they were acting all high and mighty. It feels like we've entered this trendy era of looking down on smokers, making me feel like some outdated relic because, in this modern "green living" culture, only losers smoke. 🙄I probably would have ended up looking like a "psychotic addict" in their eyes just for speaking up against their condescension. I wasn't bothered by the smoking itself; I was bothered by the attitude—people acting superior over a lifestyle choice. But whatever.
And I never once walked into a non-smoker's home and asked if I could light up. Not once. I'd just step out onto the porch or wait until I left. I remember being a kid and watching an older relative express his view (very vividly) on a smoker who had the nerve to ask if he could smoke in a non-smoking household. It stuck with me. It seemed incredibly disrespectful for a smoker—someone perfectly fine with poisoning themselves—to expect others to tolerate being poisoned alongside them.

So, no. This "theory" is stupid, overgeneralized, and incredibly biased.

dustynomad15 said:honestly, I don't think that's being selfish, it's just straight-up procrastination.

Procrastination just happened to overlap with the example I gave. My point was that the principle of selfishness—which is distinct from procrastination—applies to pretty much every part of life.
To me, true success is having the ability to say "no" to something society labels as "huge, vital, or serious," if that thing doesn't actually bring you joy or just makes you miserable. Doing that without running away, making excuses, or feeling guilty? That’s what makes me feel successful.
For instance, I know being a parent would make me deeply unhappy. It wasn't easy to hold my ground and decide that wasn't the path for me, but I did it, and I'm proud. That's my own personal win—it took determination, and it makes me happy. When people talk about "being true to yourself," that’s what they mean. Not small stuff, but the big, heavy decisions.

Elizabeth Sanchez2 said:For those of you who claim to be happy 🙂,

do you think it’s because you actually checked off all your big life goals—or is it just because you don't need much to stay satisfied (you know, finding joy in the little things and not letting every minor setback ruin your week)?

Honestly, when I feel happy, it’s usually because I’ve allowed myself to be a bit selfish. Like, maybe I missed a deadline at work, but instead of spiraling, I'm just sitting there watching a documentary about the Chicago mob because that's what I really want to do in the moment. It's that specific feeling when I hesitate to step back into the fray—expecting some massive disaster or a huge lecture from my boss—only to find that everything is actually fine. That sudden realization brings this pure, simple sense of relief and satisfaction. 😁
Most of my happiness comes from applying that exact mindset to different parts of my life.
Sometimes I'm happy just because something good happens out of the blue, but that happens way less often than when I lean into that principle.

Jessica Gomez5 said:I really appreciate everyone’s thoughtful responses, thank you, but I can't shake this heavy sense of guilt. It weighs on me that at least one of my parents might not live to see their grandkids, and my children will miss out on having an aunt or uncle around—things that usually just happen naturally over time. Everything hit me all at once instead of happening in stages. While I totally agree that financial stability is a massive advantage, whenever I see those happy families who don't have much money but have every single family member present and connected, I find myself wishing I could trade places with them in a heartbeat. I know no family is perfect, but from where I'm standing right now, that's just how it feels.

Reading what you wrote, it feels like you're still heavily under the influence of what your parents drilled into you—that you *have* to get married and start a family. Losing your mother and then having your father fall ill suddenly has you hyper-focused on the idea that "parents always knew best, and I was just a stubborn kid who didn't listen." Instead of breaking free from that confusion and looking for solutions from your own perspective, you're stuck viewing everything through the lens of their teachings.
To me, that's the issue. Because of that, instead of focusing on something concrete and useful for your future, you're letting all your energy drain into self-blame.
You need to separate your own voice from those imposed expectations. Take a breath. This is basically a crash course in growing up, but it's part of life. The universe isn't conspiring against you. Sit down and think about it; plenty of people deal with situations much harder than yours.
Grieve if you need to, but don't wallow. There's a big difference. Life moves forward, and it doesn't have to be worse than what you've lived so far if you can develop a healthy perspective, take a deep breath, and just keep walking your own path.

walkman800 said:Honest Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x4qN...eTB32VCESjRI51
You know a movie is bad when even the narrator can't make it to the end of the video. 😁

🤣
Yeah, that's exactly what frustration feels like. 😍

Paul Martinez2 said:Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

@Austin Garcia3, look at this. It’s great that Paul Martinez2 jumped in here, because this is a textbook example of exactly what you need to fight against.
- An inability to understand. (It's not that I won't, it's that I can't. There's a huge difference, and recognizing that helps you decide how to deal with me properly)
- Being conditioned to be someone else's eternal servant and victim. Anyone who dares to say a human being has a right to their own life is just poking a wound and triggering all this shouting, contempt, and disgust. Honestly, it’s less painful to stay in the cage than to realize how much of a loss life becomes when you let yourself spend forever serving others.
- Since I am a victim of others, it’s unthinkable that others shouldn't be my victims. Everyone living with me or around me—honestly, everyone in general—has to put others first. That’s just the default setting in my head. Because what kind of people aren't victims of others? They aren't like me, so they must be terrible.
- Unconditionally pushing for unearned respect. You have to drop your own life, everything you want, everything that makes you happy, and just lay yourself out like a welcome mat for me. The fact that I wasn't a good mother doesn't matter at all, because any mother, simply by virtue of being a mother, deserves absolute respect and the right to destroy you. After all, she created you. You aren't an individual; you exist to serve as a part of her life.
- Blindness. Tunnel vision. A total lack of capacity to see "outside the circle." For example: saying I'd help a stranger on the road but not my mother. Just repeating catchy clichés without understanding them. That stranger on the road didn't screw you over nearly as much as the person you feel obligated to help. Here, I'm not advocating for selfishness or saying people shouldn't help those in need. Or that you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for someone. You should. But again, the difference between a broken person and a healthy one is that a broken person sacrifices themselves for everyone, especially those who don't deserve it. A healthy person knows when to help themselves by choosing *not* to be a victim to someone who neither sees nor cares, and certainly doesn't deserve it.

Dear @Austin Garcia3, what you're going through isn't even slightly benign. Countless people never manage to untangle themselves from situations this messed up. Most of them aren't even consciously aware they're trapped; they just think this is normal and that life is supposed to be a cycle of "shut up, endure, and carry on." Those who do see it are often so emotionally shattered that choosing to stay a victim feels easier than rebelling against the guilt. So they just wither away until they break, and they always break, without exception. It's tragic.
I truly wish you the best. Be one of those people who fights for themselves and claims their right to happiness.
Just hold onto this. This is your answer, your solution, and your only way forward:

Austin Garcia3 said:😕 Hey, if you're actually interested in this topic, please re-read my post properly. If you aren't willing to put in the effort to understand, then don't come at me. I really don't think I need to go into the gory details of her abuse, but there was constant neglect—which basically means she didn't even care if I made it home safe, rather than just being strict about curfews—plus the condescension and the endless lying. That kind of stuff is devastating for a child, and honestly, it doesn't get any easier seeing all those lies play out as an adult. There were also plenty of physical incidents that left me with actual scars I still carry today. Given that I never called the cops and instead spent nights locked in my room or hiding in the car, I think I’ve already done more to "help" her than anyone realizes.
I know exactly what’s going on in her life and how much of it is her own fault—I’ve had a front-row seat to it all too many times.
And contrary to what you're saying, the real challenge is finding the strength *not* to feel sorry for her and *not* to visit. Being "mature" would be taking care of myself and avoiding someone who mistreats me—someone who used to push me away whenever I tried to hold her accountable.
I'm not arguing with you for my own sake—I know what happened. It's just sad that someone who claims they'd help anyone is so quick to jump to these kinds of conclusions. You sound just like the people who ask what a woman did to deserve being treated poorly by her husband.

Hang in there. You have to stay strong, and just know you aren't the only one dealing with this kind of stuff.

Lyte-as-a-rock said:Honestly, there might be a tiny part of her mind thinking, "Yeah, you got what was coming to you,"
because deep down, it feels like some kind of cosmic justice.

Maybe she told him to hit her with a ruler just so she’d have an excuse to come running to you, eventually bringing him along too.🤣

You know how they say you help someone who looks "pitiful" only to end up hurting yourself and looking like a fool?🤣

Saying something like that to someone dealing with something as heavy as guilt over a parent is honestly bottom-of-the-barrel behavior.👎

ironrider11 said:no

Exactly.

@Austin Garcia3; if you let her manipulate you now, you’re basically signing up to be her emotional punching bag for the rest of her life. I know that guilt is eating you alive—believe me, I get it—but
read this slowly
there is a massive gap between the person who spends their whole life being a doormat, constantly catering to everyone else (mom, spouse, kids, friends) only to end up miserable, lonely, and unappreciated
and
the person who respects themselves enough to act in their own best interest, while still being capable of giving plenty, but knowing exactly when to say no
the difference is that a healthy, successful adult doesn't take any crap.

Your mother is still playing you, and she always will, by pulling the sympathy card. She didn't just sit you down and say, "Look, we haven't seen eye to eye for years, but I really need your help." Instead, she's showing you bruises through subtext and acting helpless, waiting for you to jump in because that's the pattern she's used to. And once you try to break that cycle by offering help on your own terms, people like that will turn it around on you. They'll play the martyr, saying stuff like, "Oh no, don't worry about me, just take care of yourself," making everyone feel sorry for them while they continue to walk all over you.

She probably isn't even aware she's a bad parent or how much her behavior impacts you. Honestly, she likely never will be. Don't waste your energy trying to connect or explain things to her—that's a dead end. If you keep trying, you'll just spiral into depressions that no one else can pull you out of.
Just because she doesn't realize what she's doing doesn't give you permission to remain her servant, even if she is your parent. In fact, that's exactly why you have to set the boundary.

You need to get your head straight. If something happens to her, you aren't obligated to hover over her constantly, especially since she isn't disabled. Your mother is responsible for her own life, regardless of what happens. You aren't. She'll try to manipulate you into feeling like you are, and your social circle might even side with her before anyone stands up for you. Regardless, you are responsible for your own life, and you have to fight for yourself—whether it's against your mother, your spouse, your kids, or your friends.
Protect yourself. It's your fundamental right, even if everyone tries to convince you otherwise.

I don't know where she lives or how much protection the local system provides (usually not much), but there are shelters, counselors, the police, and social services. Try to solve the issue through those channels instead. The most important thing is to stay firm and clear about your boundaries so she knows she isn't getting anything from you anymore.

Christian Torres3 said:Maybe they should’ve just glued some volcanic eruptions onto Will Smith's ears since he’s clearly trying way too hard with that fake "I've got everything under control" facial expression.

The world would honestly be doing us all a massive favor if someone invented a smart bomb designed to wipe out 95% of Hollywood screenwriters. It's pathetic.

🤣

The movie is basically background noise for when you're falling asleep. It doesn't really meet any other expectations.
The only thing I actually liked was the color-changing suit idea. That part was pretty cool.

Dennis Cook78 said:That hits close to home. Society simultaneously imposes strict norms and dictates exactly how much "individuality" someone is actually allowed to have. You have people working high-pressure jobs that guarantee them a certain status in the hierarchy. Everything looks perfect; everyone praises them, they work twelve-hour days, they earn great salaries, and they feel perfectly aligned with societal standards, never daring to question if any of it is actually logical.
Of course, society will encourage people like that, and there's a very specific reason why.
It happens purely to keep the system of artificial values alive. Let me explain what I mean by artificial values.

Reward systems are the first thing that jump out at me. Most people crave rewards, prestige, applause, or public recognition. But what is a reward, really? Usually, a reward is just a piece of paper—or rarely, some extra cash—whose appearance and purpose were decided by a few people who wanted to acknowledge someone's various achievements. That is the foundation of every award, which makes them essentially meaningless, yet they remain socially necessary to satisfy the vanity of the masses. True achievement is its own reward. Getting a result is a reward. Seeing that you actually helped someone is a reward. That fascinating journey you had to endure to create something is the real reward. Those are the tangible values; everything else is just an artificial construct based on conformity and social status, which itself depends entirely on the whims of the environment assigning it.

Very few people are actually capable of being satisfied with themselves without seeking "permission" from the society they live in.

You could say that small group of people actually has its own sense of self.

Dennis Cook78 said:@Aaron Allen5
Everything I’ve been reading lately feels pretty tragic, even if there's truth to it. It seems to me that most people only really start grasping for their "ego" when they have something to complain about—whether they're pointing out flaws, offering unsolicited advice, badmouthing someone, or just being stubborn enough to say no just for the sake of saying no.
People are always going to form cliques, and there isn't much you can do to stop that, but what really bugs me is how these groups are almost constantly at odds because everyone is convinced they hold the high ground. Honestly, having a narrow-minded attitude makes it so much easier for people to fall into those patterns.
As for that woman who’s giving you the cold shoulder, just hang tight for a bit; you'll see soon enough how the very same people she hangs out with start giving her the same treatment.

Good grief, what kind of people are you hanging out with? 😢

That apartment you sacrificed everything for isn't some high price you have to pay just to exist.
Move out.
By the time you realize that clinging to that place is just an excuse, it’ll be too late.
Living with a parent like that is impossible.
Look at this:

Olivia Hall2 said:Hey everyone. So, I'm 35. Married, two kids. Life is good, no major issues—I work, I make money. Nobody's going hungry, nobody's thirsty, thank God, everything's running smooth. No cheating, kids are great, pretty much all good. Except for my old man. We live in a house with my parents; we have our own floor where we stay separate. We share Sunday dinners occasionally, maybe a weekday lunch once in a while, and they babysit the kids sometimes (never more than a few hours a week). Basically, my dad can't stand me and he tells me straight to my face. I'm the black sheep in a family that, by his standards, is worth nothing. Just to be clear, I have a solid job, decent pay—probably better than 80% of people in the US—I'm frugal, I step up with the kids, and neighbors tell me they don't see many parents like me. And I truly love my kids and my wife... they're my everything. But like I said, there's my dad, just waiting for a chance to trash me. To him, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no real career, that I didn't meet his massive expectations and screwed everything up. It really boils down to this: if I'm reading him right, he's just taking out all his frustrations from his own life failures on me. And he doesn't care how he hurts me, even in front of people. Thank God it mostly happens when he's had a few drinks, but even then, it's too much (averaging about once every two weeks). I used to argue with him, but lately, I've realized it's better to just shut up and walk away because nothing I say helps. Of course, a few days later he feels bad, but he never says sorry; he just tries to make it up to me in some infantile way. I forgive him—he's my dad, after all. If he loves me half as much as I love my kids, then he deserves my forgiveness, but... it happened again today. He spent 15 minutes lecturing me, yelling at me outside the house so everyone could hear, and I was right there with the kids... until they started crying. That's when I snapped. I asked my mom to watch the kids and dragged him inside. I was this close to losing it on him (though I've never been in a fight in my life). I didn't even hit him; I just begged him to leave me alone. I have my own life that occasionally crosses paths with his, but he needs to back off because we don't need each other. I might need him, but if he doesn't need me, I can manage. I asked him not to humiliate me in front of my kids, because what kind of image will they have of their dad? A hero in their eyes. Nothing. Just a blank, half-drunk stare and a continuous monologue about my flaws and weaknesses... blowing everything way out of proportion. I grabbed the kids and left (my wife was at work). I know tomorrow will be quiet if we run into each other, and the day after he'll act like nothing happened. But I'm done. I'm crumbling inside. The self-confidence I worked so hard to build is falling apart. Because of all this, I'm starting to doubt myself... even though I know I'm not a bad guy. What do I do? How should I act? I'm thinking about cutting him off and explaining everything when he's sober, but that probably won't make sense either... I don't know, it's hard. He's my father, but he's never said "I love you," never said "sorry"—hardly anything except damn contempt comes out of his mouth. Yet I love him because he's the one who got me on my feet, he gave me a life. And I feel this damn duty to be there for him; he'll get old and frail, and he won't have anyone... I don't know, he should move out, but I can't let him. I've set up this home, put everything I have into it, and I can't just walk away from it all and disappear somewhere else...

Look, you're 35. You should have rebelled against a toxic parent ages ago. Now, you need to accept that the love you have for your kids isn't what your father feels for you. It never was, and it never will be. No matter how badly you crave that affection, you won't get it from someone that broken.
You'll end up wrecking your own family under that kind of mental pressure, even if your father isn't directly attacking them.
If you want what's best for yourself and your children, move out. You can spend the rest of your life overthinking why things aren't fair, but there's no healthy path forward unless you leave. Go far away. He’ll still try his emotional manipulation tactics, but stay strong. Recognize he's unwell and don't let him poison you. You'll ruin your life because of him only if you let him. Choose happiness instead. Focus on your kids and the good things in life.
There is no reasoning or explaining things with people like this.
Cut him loose.
Dammit, you got stuck with a jerk for a father, so what now? 🤷 Who cares, just move on. We all deal with some kind of struggle, but don't let the grief over his lack of love turn into something that ruins everything you ever touch.

Can we get some specifics here?

The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

I watched a quick summary of it on YouTube.

It’s available as a PDF online (but I won't go on about where to find it 😁),

and I highly recommend it. At first glance, the book feels pretty pessimistic, but it really isn't. 😁

Lisa Myers said:Yesterday on the German RTL midday news, they reported on how French pharmacies are pulling third-generation birth control pills off the shelves due to specific active ingredients. They listed three types—I didn't catch them all, though Qlaira sounded familiar—and showed pictures too. Apparently, these are twice as risky for heart and brain issues compared to older versions like Cilest. There were just too many cases that couldn't be linked to anything else except the pills, especially since we're talking about young women with zero other risk factors. If anyone wants to look it up, there should be a clip of the segment on their website.

I was on the pill for about ten years. I used to be a huge advocate for them. Honestly, part of me still misses that sense of security they provided. I don't trust much else that much. But because of a series of circumstances, I had to stop. Permanently. I remember every single doctor I saw for my other health issues would ask, "Are you on contraception?" If I said yes, the response was always, "You have to stop immediately." As time went on, I started saying "no" because I had already quit, but they would still write "on oral contraceptives for 10 years" on my medical records, even though I haven't taken them in two or three years. I'm not saying the pills made me sick, let’s be clear. I’m just pointing out how my checkups go. While I was taking them, all my tests came back perfect. Everything didn't start flaring up until three years ago. Why it still matters today that I took them once, I don't know, but clearly, it matters.

Looking at the big picture, taking the pill doesn't seem consequence-free anymore. I don't know... I'm certainly never going back to them. Plus, I'm over 35 now, which is an added risk factor and all that.

@fastidious: Your doctor's explanation feels a bit thin to me. Breakthrough bleeding usually happens precisely when the pill isn't working. That's when you switch to something else. It isn't normal to be on birth control and experience breakthrough bleeding.
I'd advise everyone to really dig into the medication leaflets and check for interactions—both for the pills and those psychiatric meds you mentioned. I don't think there's a universal answer because not every tablet has the same active ingredients. If the warning is there, it's there for a reason. Sure, manufacturers list a ton of stuff to protect themselves legally if an interaction occurs, but they wouldn't bother listing it if there wasn't a genuine possibility of it happening.
Maybe we shouldn't rely quite so heavily on what a doctor says. Two different gynecologists told me completely opposite things, so if the experts can't agree, how am I supposed to know? I found it better to stick to the instructions and even contact the manufacturer directly. That's what I eventually did, and it was the only way I felt satisfied with the answer.

Figured I'd jump in here too, since this topic has come up for me again.
I had a very similar experience to yours, Victora. I was on Logest for about eight years or so. My labs were always stellar—liver was fine, weight stayed steady, zero side effects. It was honestly a period of pure bliss. Then, out of nowhere, my blood pressure spiked through the roof. I did every test imaginable, and my doctor finally suspected the birth control. When I told him I’d been on Logest for eight years, he practically snapped at me, "Stop it right now." He told me to track my pressure for the next fifteen days and bring him the numbers. My pressure dropped within the first week and hasn't acted up again in about five years.
For some reason, every gynecologist gets this look on their face when they read "on Logest for 8 years." When I went in for a thyroid and adrenal ultrasound, the specialist asked about my symptoms. I gave him a brief rundown about the blood pressure, and he basically told me, "Let's rule these things out, and then try getting off the hormones. Just stay away from the pills and you'll see, it's definitely that." ?! I know that isn't his specialty, but unfortunately, it turned out he was right.
Now I'm reading up on the Mirena IUD. Actually, I haven't just started looking; I've been obsessing over whether to do it for a long time. It feels a little freaky. I see women losing their periods—more hormones, just a different kind—and I'm spiraling a bit. I really need to talk to my OBGYN. Honestly, I never regretted the pills, 😢 maybe I should try something with lower hormone levels, who knows. Oh, and regarding the Mirena, you aren't supposed to have any active inflammation. I've dealt with a small lesion and HPV for years; it seems controlled, or at least it isn't getting worse, but it's not going away either.
I have an appointment tomorrow, so I'm spending tonight reading through everyone's experiences again... I'm honestly terrified of those damn hormones, even though the pill was my favorite thing. 😢 I'm just hoping there's an alternative option so we can see how my body reacts.
We'll see what the doctor says tomorrow.
I really miss that feeling I had when I was on the pill...