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Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 10, 2009

It’s 10 PM, time for bed.
-No way.
-Come on, you have school in the morning.
-Nope.
-But you’re gonna be exhausted tomorrow.
-Don't care.
-If you don't head to your room right now, I'm calling the principal and telling them you've been acting out!
-Whatever...

So, what's the move? Honestly, at that point, you either grab them by the arm and physically lead them to bed—which feels a bit harsh—or you give them a quick smack on the hand so they finally get the message. Once they realize you aren't playing games, they usually just go when you tell them it's bedtime.

I'm curious, though. For those of you who swear by "gentle parenting" or different methods, what would you actually do in this exact spot? If threats about future consequences don't work, and explaining why sleep matters or how tired they'll be for school fails... what's left?
Someone please enlighten me, because I'm stumped.

I deal with the exact same thing with my sister. I eventually figured out how to trick her into it. Sometimes I'll play the "I'm scared to sleep alone, the room is too dark" card, or I'll offer to read her a story. Other times, I'll promise we can wake up early to play video games together. Or, if she's one of those kids who says "no" just because you told them to, I'll tell her, "You are absolutely NOT allowed to go to sleep yet!" That weirdly works sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I just let her stay up until she's a total zombie the next day, and then she just crashes early without me even having to say a word.🙂

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 9, 2009

Quinn:

Hysterical crying? Having thin skin?
The absolute worst thing you can do is make assumptions.

I honestly don't know how else to process this. I really don't want to believe that someone would lash out at such a fragile little soul—someone who just came into this world with a blank slate, no real sense of self yet, and absolutely no clue what their actions actually mean or the weight they carry. It’s just hard to wrap my head around a little girl screaming at her mother. Her MOTHER. Her protector. The one person who was supposed to shield her from everything, including her own impulses. She’s the one who brought you into this world, carried you for nine months, nourished you... she cared for you. And then, one terrible moment turns her into some kind of monster that her own child is terrified of? I just can't wrap my brain around a woman transforming into something so... repulsive.
Look, I'm not saying we should put your mom on trial or anything extreme, but men and women alike seriously need better tools when it comes to parenting. Honestly, I feel for your mom just as much as I feel for you. It must be devastating to suddenly become... well, there's no point in even going there. Besides, people who have the stomach for this kind of stuff will just keep trampling over the only innocent, pure things left in this world. My opinion doesn't change the reality of it.

😢😢😢

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

Honestly, my mom was actually crying after I beat her up.

To me, it just sounds like your mom didn't have much emotional grit. Like, hysterical crying. If those tears were actually coming from a place of genuine regret, she wouldn't be doing the same thing all over again. That kind of crying usually symbolizes something else entirely. I don't know, though—I'm obviously not an expert on how women work.

Would you date someone with mental health issues? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

For me, the specific diagnosis really matters. There’s a massive difference between dealing with someone who’s a pathological liar, a narcissist, someone with schizophrenia, or a literal killer. 🙄

Look, with depression, there's this one specific thing: I'm super sensitive to my environment. I'm easily swayed by the "vibe" of a room, the people around me, or how a relationship is going. I’ve honestly tried to push through it more times than I can count, but sometimes it just gets to you. It completely undermines your foundation. In the situation I was in, I felt like my choices were basically either walking away or jumping off a building right along with him. We all have a right to live, and I was fully prepared to fight for my life. I was struggling just as much as he was, but I never truly gave up on myself—there was always that tiny one percent left in me. It was such a gut-wrenching decision, and even now, I still love him (in a different way, obviously)... But that doesn't mean I'm okay with just taking a beating from someone I care about when they're hitting rock bottom. We all go through crises; we all carry these nasty memories that leave scars. And when that happens, I'm willing to stand in the trenches for the people I love. But if it's the start of a relationship—like what happened with my ex—and they aren't even meeting me halfway? I was literally tearing myself apart trying to pull him up while I was drowning myself. In those moments, I think it's more important to just save your own skin. So, I did. Nowadays, I'm in a relationship with someone who deals with their own struggles, just like I do, but we actually *want* to help each other. If someone doesn't want to do the work, why on earth should I kill myself trying to do it for them and destroy my own soul in the process? 🤷

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

Wait, seriously? You actually saw this and heard about it from friends back in school? That is just straight-up creepy.

Yeah. And honestly, the wildest part is that the one girl who was crying right there with me? She’s totally against corporal punishment and absolutely hates even bringing the subject up. I mean, what on earth do you have to do to a kid to justify hitting them under the guise of "doing what's best"?

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

Ryan Morris15 said:I find this quite difficult to wrap my head around.
I suppose by "us thirty" you mean an entire classroom, and while I might believe you if you said twenty of you were wandering the city on weekends, the idea that twenty sets of parents are all handing out beatings... well, I suspect our society isn't quite at that stage yet.

There are 26 of us total, though the ratio is somewhere in that ballpark—don't call me out on the exact math unless you want me to go through everyone one by one and take notes. And look, not all the hitting is like what you described; sometimes it’s "just" slapping. From what I know for sure, about four kids in the group are dealing with the heavy stuff, while the others haven't really specified exactly how bad their situation is. But honestly, it doesn't even matter. The physical pain is one thing, but the emotional and mental toll is way worse. Physical bruises fade in a few days, max, but the stuff that shapes who you become? That sticks. It stays with you forever. Even in my own apartment building, there's this woman who used to beat her kids so hard you could hear them screaming from the third floor all the way down to my unit on the ground floor. It was haunting. Then there was this one lady whose husband was being abusive both physically and sexually, and he'd take it out on their son too. We had a severe alcoholic in the building, and at least three families where the men are struggling with PTSD from their service—you can only imagine what the atmosphere is like in those homes. And it's not just us; the neighboring buildings aren't any better. Just a couple of months ago, I saw a woman walking to the grocery store in broad daylight with massive bruises all over her face, just trying to buy milk. I remember my friend's brother used to get hit with a belt; I still vividly remember his hands being covered in little cuts. I didn't even realize a belt could do that much damage. Even my little sister got hammered when she was barely a year old just because she dug some dirt out of a potted plant. My dad called her a child of the devil, and then she got hit even harder just because she cried while he was doing it... and so on. I know way too many cases like this. It's terrible. I'm not making this up, I have no reason to lie.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

Honestly, some parents just don't seem to care about what's actually good for their kids. If they really did, they’d stop and ask themselves if hitting a child is even productive instead of being so incredibly rigid about it. They act like they're God, thinking they have all the answers. And heaven forbid they actually admit they might be wrong—even when they know deep down they're off base. It really just comes down to pure ego, a total lack of patience, and a complete disregard for Life itself.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

There are certain kids where you just can't sit them down and explain things or try to use some softer approach to get them to stop doing stuff that’s genuinely dangerous for themselves or everyone else.
Some behaviors just aren't okay, and you've gotta nip them in the bud right away—mostly for the kid's own good, too.
I know I'm probably going to get some heat for saying something unpopular that nobody wants to hear, but hey, facts are facts.

That's not quite right. Some parents just don't know how to communicate, and yeah, easier ways out exist—like physical punishment—but let's be real: being a parent is hard work by definition. Just looking for a shortcut is honestly a bit absurd. If you don't have the patience or the drive to put in the work using better, healthier, more constructive, and LONG-TERM methods, then maybe you shouldn't be having kids in the first place.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

they aren't being offered any real alternatives, and honestly, most of them don't have a clue how to actually raise kids properly.

They totally do, though. I mean, we’re living in the 21st century—information is literally everywhere if you look for it. The thing is, people just aren't interested. They couldn't care less. It’s way easier to just lash out and start hitting someone than it is to actually sit down, read a book, or try to educate yourself.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 8, 2009

On the flip side, kids back in the day were always getting a bit of corporal punishment, so I haven't really noticed "older generations" turning out to be psychopaths, bullies, people who can't stand their parents, or just totally traumatized... at least nothing worse than "kids today." From what I hear from folks working in schools (I know a few teachers) and from parents dealing with the current generation, things seem way more intense now. Why is that? , was it physical discipline or the complete lack thereof? I don't know, but it would be interesting to run some kind of study to see which kids are actually "worse"... the ones who occasionally got a belt, or the ones being raised with completely different methods regardless of how much trouble they get into.

Why say "nothing worse"? Because we aren't getting hit nearly as much anymore. A friend of mine, she's 17, took a hit at school and showed up the next day with bruised hips! Not to mention her back, her arms... her face stayed fine, so if she hadn't said anything, nobody would have even known. That’s what parents do nowadays. They do the exact same thing, they just hide it so they don't get in trouble. Back when we were thirty or twenty of us in a class, we all got disciplined. 🙄
And the reason kids today seem worse is because they're being raised by parents who are mentally unstable because their own parents were abused to such an extent . Just imagine what it's like for the kids in this current generation.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 7, 2009

So, the little guy caught a split second of distraction and ended up shoving his hand right into the ice cream machine.

You know, it’s funny... when parents are constantly barking "don't do this" and "don't touch that" all day long, kids just tune it out. It's basically white noise at that point. Instead of just repeating the word "no" over and over, she could have actually sat him down and explained the actual consequences of sticking a hand in there—you know, without that frantic, impatient tone people get when they aren't being heard the first time. But hey, explaining things takes time, and I guess everyone's always in a rush, right?
Besides, why is a kid even hanging around near industrial ovens and heavy machinery anyway? Isn't it on the parents to keep them away from the serious hazards? I'm not saying you have to watch them every single second for every little thing, but come on. Couldn't she have found a sitter or someone to keep an eye on him while she was focused on her job?

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 6, 2009

I’m with you on that one. Honestly, for every time a parent feels that urge to slap their kid, they should probably just give themselves a smack instead.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 6, 2009

Quincy:

Honestly, the fire itself didn't really scare me... I was probably only 7 or 8 at the time, so who knows if my brain even had the capacity to wrap itself around the idea of actually burning a house down. To be real with you, the physical discipline was what actually kept me on edge.

They really should have let you get a little "singed" so you’d actually develop a healthy respect for fire. And look, when I say singed, I don't mean you should've been out there torching the whole neighborhood. How are you supposed to grasp why fire is dangerous if you never learn the actual mechanics behind it? Fire burns things—that's its whole deal—it doesn't give you a timeout or a lecture. If it ever came down to it, I’d show my kid exactly what happens when they mess with matches by taking one of their favorite toys and lighting it right in front of them. I'd just stay super calm and say, "Sweetie, if you keep playing with fire, this is how you'll end up—along with Mommy, Daddy, and everything else we own." If that didn't do the trick, I'd definitely be looking into seeing a specialist.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 6, 2009

Quincy:

I mean, honestly, there are definitely times when that wouldn't apply. silentpilot6 actually just made me think of this one guy I used to know back in high school—he was obsessed with seeing how much chaos he could stir up. He’d just set things on fire if he could get away with it. It wasn't even about being "bad," he was just genuinely fascinated by the reaction. Some people are just wired that way, I guess.

If we're talking about an actual psychological disorder, then a parent needs to be getting that kid to a psychiatrist rather than resorting to physical discipline. If someone is dealing with a mental health issue, hitting them isn't going to fix their brain chemistry. But, if they're just acting out of pure malice? Then sitting them down for a serious talk and using some strategic parenting might actually work.

Did the brawl in paradise actually happen? in Psychology · Jul 6, 2009

Quincy:

So, if this kid starts messing around with fire on the balcony, and then everything catches fire—shutters going up, smoke everywhere—and you barely manage to stop the whole house from burning down, what would your move be?
I’d probably just sit him down and go, "Look at the mess you made, you little troublemaker..."

Honestly, I think the kid would be so terrified by seeing actual flames that they wouldn't ever touch fire again. They’d see firsthand how dangerous "playing with matches" really is. I wouldn't freak out; I’d just look at them, tell them to sit down and really think about what happened, and let them know how much their actions disappointed me (not the child themselves, obviously).

Pregnancy anxiety: Scared of becoming a parent and the responsibility ahead in Psychology · Jun 19, 2009

Honestly, it’s not the idea of having a baby that scares me—it’s my partner. I feel like I could go for a kid right now if I wasn't so anxious about everything else... I just know that once I’m pregnant, I’m going to be an absolute wreck, overanalyzing every single little thing a thousand times over. And I’m terrified of feeling totally alone, like I'm just stuck with a newborn while he checks out emotionally. That’s the last thing I want. I really want us to be a team, you know? Like, equal partners who are actually happy and chill together. I just dream about us being super affectionate through the whole pregnancy and not having a single stupid argument for those nine months.

Ed Gein sentenced in Psychology · Mar 25, 2009

Instead of actually stopping new tragedies from happening, we’re just stuck in this endless, slow-motion loop of trying to fix things that went wrong years ago.
That girl and her granddaughter... they're gone, and there's no coming back from that. It breaks my heart. But what about the next victims? What are we actually doing to prevent this from happening again? Nobody seems to be focused on prevention at all. We just spend all our time dissecting the past—our history textbooks are getting thicker by the day with nothing but grim stories—while nobody is stepping up to actually shape a better future.

Ed Gein sentenced in Psychology · Mar 25, 2009

but... boys don't have vaginas... (honestly, looking at your picture would make even King, Lovecraft, and Tiziano Sclavi recoil, and here I am just trying to shield myself from the grossness with humor. my terrible, dark sense of humor. so please, don't be too hard on me if you hate it. even if you do, it doesn't matter anyway)

okay, I totally misspoke—well, more like I left out a huge part. I originally just mentioned girls, then remembered that boys get victimized too, so I added that in, but I missed a tiny detail. don't kill me for it.
Of course they would recoil. I certainly did. But how am I supposed to put a label on this? Should I use "polite" language, much like how his actions were so "polite"? (And it's not just him, not just one guy). NOPE. I am NOT going to respond to this using technical jargon or fancy intellectual terms. This whole situation is even more revolting than my picture.
I'm not holding it against you. Honestly, I wish I could use humor to protect myself from all this crap, too.

Child sexual abuse: How to spot the signs? in Psychology · Mar 25, 2009

So, I wanted to throw some questions out to you guys:....
1. Has anyone else here gone through something similar?

Look, two people experience the same thing totally differently.

2. Do you think it's "childish"?

No. Honestly, it hit me hard. Even now, I feel this sense of shame just thinking back on it. Maybe it doesn't feel that way to you now that you're an adult, but for the kid who actually lived through it, it's everything.

3. Why is this still such a taboo subject when it's obvious so many kids have sexual experiences long before they even hit puberty?

Because it’s incredibly heavy to open up about, and even when you do, people often just don't get it. Very few people in this world can give you the kind of support you need to actually let go of that tension. Personally, I've never met anyone like that. You basically have to carry it all on your own.

4. How on earth do you protect your child from something like this!?!?!?!?!

I honestly don't know. All I know is that I'm going to keep talking to them, constantly building that bond so they trust me implicitly—from the moment they're born until my last breath. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything. And if any adult ever lays a hand on my child? I swear, I'll take them down with my bare hands.

5. Am I crazy for feeling ashamed and keeping this quiet, while my friend talks about it like it's the most natural thing in the world without a hint of embarrassment?

You aren't crazy. You probably view it as an invasion of your privacy—like your sense of intimacy was violated. It sounds like she didn't experience it as something traumatic, or at least not in the same way. The person who did this to me used to brag about it to everyone, which just crushed me and made me retreat even further into myself.

6. And finally, should I talk to my nephew about this openly, or just leave it buried deep in my soul where it's been all this time?

Read the room. Gauge him first. If he's mature enough to handle it, then maybe it would be good. But if he's just going to laugh in your face, that could really hurt you. Talk to a therapist first. That's what I plan to do. Just once.

Ed Gein sentenced in Psychology · Mar 20, 2009

I mean, just how much trauma did he have to endure to turn into a monster like that? It’s honestly chilling.
What about her mother, though? How could she possibly be oblivious? Honestly, I wouldn't even be shocked if she was secretly complicit in all that horror.
It makes you wonder how many similar atrocities are happening right now across the country without us ever catching wind of them.
Just thinking about how many women and kids are out there this very second, suffering through unimaginable abuse behind closed doors... it's heavy.