Sarah Nguyen96 said:I did it too. I carved them out myself back in March. I’ve always wanted some intense tattoos, but I just couldn't find any inspiration for what to get. I was going through a depressive episode the day I did it, and honestly? No regrets. No one could ever make a better tattoo than this!! 🙂) They go deeper and they'll stay visible for the rest of my life, but whatever. Having a perfectly clean body without any scars or marks felt way too monotonous for me. 🙂 Just me using a scalpel, also 3 😁
Man, you kids are getting crazier by the day. 🤣
Come on, seriously, are you even sane? On a psychology forum filled with unstable people, you're sitting here talking all passionately about how you cut yourself and how great you feel now.
I cut myself about two years ago. I’ve got a tiny scar left, but nothing too deep to leave a permanent mark.
But for about a month after that, I was covered in scratches and scabs. During that window, I went in for an interview at this hostel. On paper, I was perfect for the job, but the manager told me straight up that she doesn't hire people prone to violence. She probably saw the marks and jumped to her own conclusions.
I don't want to be mean, but most employers are just total jerks who overanalyze everything. 🤷
Honestly, I have a different issue. No one has said anything to my face yet, but I figure someone could easily mistake me for a junkie. I'm translucent—like, deathly pale—and my veins pop out like crazy whenever it gets hot or if I tense my arms. It looks terrible; I look like a straight-up crackhead.
In a work setting, this shows up as being incredibly clumsy when I'm doing physical tasks.
But my main issue was that I’d be doing everything just fine, and then some manager would swoop in and start lecturing me about why I seem so jittery and stiff, or how I don't act "natural," blah blah blah... I think, to an extent, I just haven't had much luck with bosses. I always seem to run into these narrow-minded, old-school types who just don't get it...
It’s like a vicious cycle. The more anxious I get, the more clumsy I become. Then my confidence takes a hit because of that clumsiness, which makes me even more nervous. That's just how I am. Back when I handled cash, I’d double and triple check everything just to make sure I didn't mess up the change—probably because I lacked confidence—but my boss just saw it as being high-strung, and obviously, they weren't thrilled about it.
And that clumsiness only really hits me when I'm trying to learn something new. I have zero issues with things like getting dressed, cleaning, or using utensils, just like it says in the symptoms.
I'm pretty sure there's dyspraxia involved here, but the anxiety is also paralyzing. It's hard to shake, and even harder to work through. Some people thrive under pressure, but I'm definitely not one of them. Pressure and the fear of being judged just freeze me up completely.
Honestly, yeah, maybe the biggest hurdle is just a total lack of self-confidence. I could prepare perfectly for an exam, only to skip the deadline entirely because of some paranoid fear that I was going to fail. 🤷 This anxiety has burrowed itself so deep into my system that even medication hasn't been able to touch it.
Every time I search online, all I find is "clumsy child syndrome" or descriptions of childhood dyspraxia—stuff that describes exactly how I felt twenty years ago, but nothing about being an adult. It’s frustrating. I can find the occasional forum for adults dealing with this, but honestly, there just isn't enough information out there.
Whatever. I have a psychiatrist, so I'll just lay it all out for her. Maybe we can figure something out together, or at least she can point me toward career paths that don't rely on fine motor skills.
The reality is I was referred to a neurologist, but I missed my appointment, so I’m not making any definitive claims until I actually get checked out. On top of that, I've been dealing with these muscle spasms in my hands and feet lately, and I'm genuinely worried it might be the start of MS.
The way I see it, this feels a lot like dealing with dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalculia.
I’m on medication for BPD. It isn't just my hands that shake; the whole body starts trembling whenever things get stressful.
At first, every single job felt like too much pressure. I've already given up on anything requiring fine motor skills because—honestly—it's just not happening for me.
There’s a massive list of basic tasks that most people take for granted, yet I struggle through them. That’s the real issue.
Multitasking isn't actually the problem. It’s more that I get so incredibly jittery the moment I start working, and I think that anxiety just completely freezes me up.
I was referred to a neurologist because of the tremors, but I missed the appointment and now I have to go through the hassle of rescheduling.
Years ago, I had some psychological evaluations done, and they mentioned the possibility of central nervous system damage. That includes things like MS or Parkinson, and I'm starting to get pretty worried about it.
Since I’m basically a walking disaster zone, I’m starting this thread because I want to learn more about dyspraxia, and I know there are plenty of psychologists in here.
Not a single day goes by where I don't spill something or break something. I’ve actually managed to wreck car doors three separate times just while driving. Back in elementary school, I was hopeless at art and gym—basically anything involving motor skills. Planning my movements is hard, and even when I try, everything comes out clumsy or jerky.
People love to say, "Just get a grip," but the thing is, I can't just "get a grip," and I'm finally realizing that physical labor is definitely not my calling.
I’m not talking about being incapable of dressing myself or making a meal, but let's just say my coordination is pretty much non-existent.
Oh, and yeah: my hands shake. It happens whether I'm on medication or not.
I’ll take your advice to heart, and I'll probably let you know how things turn out later on.
It’s not like I think anyone is terrible or losing their mind... I actually know exactly why I care about this specific guy instead of anyone else. He has certain qualities, so there's no way I'm judging people just because they deal with this condition.
And honestly, it finally clicked: there's no point in arguing with him when he's set in his ways. 🙂
That's on me. I tend to take everything personally, and maybe he just needs someone who isn't wired that way. 🤷
Thanks for the input, and I truly wish you the best of luck managing your own situation. 🙂 I hope we're good. I finally got some sleep, so my head is clearer and I'm not reacting quite so intensely. 🙂
I just wanted to say that having a psychotic diagnosis doesn't automatically make someone a crazy or terrible person!
Of course they aren't. My son deals with psychosis, so obviously I don't see things that way. The main thing is that when you're living with someone going through a psychotic episode, you have to stay as calm as possible. If you don't, you just end up feeding into their anxiety and making everything worse. It sounds like vividorca9 is reaching her breaking point—you can tell by how she’s typing—but panicking isn't helping anyone, least of all him. Honestly, it would be best if both of them sought out professional help so they can each find some stability. You can't just dump your own mental state onto the other person. That just creates this endless cycle and makes the whole house feel like a pressure cooker. It takes a massive amount of patience, tenderness, and just plain old love. Because if that person starts feeling unloved? That’s terrifying for them.
Yeah, that’s definitely not how this works.
If you give him fifteen reasons why you love him, he’ll find the one reason why you don't.
And that’s the whole damn issue.
It’s this constant push-and-pull dynamic. When I try to get close, he gets suspicious, thinks I can't be trusted, and pushes me away. Then, as soon as I say "fine, bye," he suddenly becomes super attached and starts looking for support because apparently, if I'm not interested anymore, he can finally trust me.
It took me forever to figure out his modus operandi since that's not how I operate, but I eventually saw the pattern. 🤷
He needs love from a distance. As weird as it sounds, he needs a cold approach rather than my hyper-emotional style. (I have BPD, and we’re known for being dramatic, but also for huge outbursts of affection—I honestly thought that was at least a positive trait 🙂).
Typical conversation:
-I love you so much.
-But what if you fall in love and leave? What if you don't need me anymore?
-I don't think that's going to happen because I don't feel that way.
-Well, you don't feel that way now, but can you guarantee it'll stay like that forever?
-I can.
-You're lying.
-Fine, then, I can't.
-See? There's the proof that you can't be trusted.
And that’s where the fighting starts.
Or this:
-You're this age, you're gonna fall in love and walk away.
-I won't, because I've been through enough and I think I'm past that stage.
Did I ever mention that you all are absolutely insane and terrible? Do I really need to bold the sensitive, beautiful, and brilliant part I just pointed out? And the creative part?
Look, I’m sorry if my comments rubbed you the wrong way, but I have zero interest in playing politically correct when it comes to stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Nobody mentioned hospitalization. ☕ This dear partner of mine (affectionately, don't get me wrong) can be cold and rude sometimes, but he’s never been aggressive toward himself or anyone else.
Is manipulation part of the illness? What about lying? Because once you actually get to know him, he turns out to be a total sociopath. I'm really hoping it's just the sickness talking. 🤷
Then he just picks fights with me out of nowhere. Today, he felt the need to try and outsmart me intellectually, just for the hell of it.
I don't know, I've started getting gray hairs. 🤷Literally. I've been through the wringer over the last few years. 🤷
And then, every so often, this beautiful, sensitive side surfaces—usually when he feels he can trust me—and you realize what a lovely person he actually is and how much help he needs. Which is exactly what we're going to arrange soon. And there will be absolutely no talk of forced hospitalization. 🤷
I've never been like this, but I'm becoming paranoid and distrustful right along with him. And jealous. It just becomes this endless cycle... At least I have a reason to be suspicious and paranoid, since he's constantly sneaking things behind my back. It's a proven fact.
I would really appreciate it if someone could tell me that he's incapable of understanding when you say, "Enough, I'm at my breaking point, I've been through so much lately, please don't make this harder on me too." You can throw stones at me all you want, but my capacity for empathy is running dry. And I'm not sure any medication can fix that.
The jealousy, the nitpicking, the secrecy... Is it always going to be like this?
Because I don't want to be a piece of trash and bail when someone is at their lowest. But when someone is draining you dry and they have a family (who, by the way, refuse to learn about his condition because they think it's some kind of embarrassment) and a support system, while I have absolutely zero support, then...
EDIT: And he's abusive. Really hurtful. He even told me that I don't actually have a mental illness and that I'm just faking symptoms (even though I've been battling BPD since I was 15 or 16) just so I could find someone exactly like him (when he was actually the one who approached me).
Larry Lewis said:Mark my words—once that psychosis finally breaks him, he’s going to be begging you to haul him off to a hospital. It’ll be a brutal recovery, a long, agonizing slog through the dark—and frankly, it’s all his own damn fault. He’s being incredibly foolish. He’s been through this exact cycle of psychotic breaks before, yet here we are again, watching him stubbornly refuse any kind of help. It’s self-sabotage at its finest, really—this refusal to accept assistance even when the walls are closing in. He's digging his own grave, and quite honestly, I've seen this movie before.
This whole state of mind has been dragging on for months. I feel pretty clueless myself—maybe because I keep telling myself this is just how the illness works and some symptoms are always there, or maybe I'm just misinterpreting his usual weird personality 😬. But lately, the paranoia has started creeping back in. That's a huge red flag. 🤷
It's scary. It's like watching someone transform into a completely different person. 🤷
He has a check-up coming up soon, but I just have to hold it together so I don't lose my mind dealing with his constant attacks. 😱
And then there's me, being an idiot and making things worse by picking fights with him about it. It never ends well. From here on out, I’m just going to ignore the nonsense, though I did manage to talk him into going to the doctor.
Is he always untrustworthy and difficult? Yeah, absolutely. But right now, he’s actually crossed the line of sanity. This disease is brutal...
Jesus, the projections are the worst part. I'll be talking to a friend who’s in college, and he'll suddenly start calling me stupid for no reason at all, probably because of his own issues. 😱 Or if I give him a compliment about something he's actually insecure about, he just starts attacking me. Right now, it feels like I'm raising a toddler.
Michelle Evans said:Based on what you described, I would say it is.
And Larry Lewis makes a good point. These symptoms could escalate even further. The longer he goes without help, the more he'll resist medical intervention. Some people still have enough grip on reality to seek a doctor on their own. Plus, recovery takes much longer if you wait too long...
Is an emergency room visit really out of the question? Do you know if he's currently on medication or has any sort of stability right now?
He is on meds, but they aren't working for him. He actually ended up in a psychosis last time because of this exact treatment. He started taking them again just to please me regarding some specific thing we won't get into right now (and nobody asked him to!), but whenever he's on that stuff, his libido goes through the roof in a totally unhealthy way, and he gets hyper-religious too.
He has check-ups, but I’m worried he’ll lie to the psychiatrist since the meds "work" for him in that one specific area.
Larry Lewis said:It's psychosis—and honestly, what comes after that can be even worse.
Look... I’m not talking about walking away. It’s my responsibility, I worry about him, and the feelings are real—it's a relationship, damn it. It's there.
But still... forgive my choice of words, but this is just how I am. We both just end up snapping at each other.
Larry Lewis said:It is incredibly difficult to reason with someone mid-psychosis. It took me reaching my absolute breaking point before I ended up taking a taxi to a psychiatric ward in NYC because the paramedics wouldn't even pick me up. You know as well as I do that the longer someone stays in that state, the harder the recovery becomes—and frankly, the brain starts taking actual organic damage.
Just try everything in your power to talk them into getting medical help immediately; there really isn't any other way.
But please, don't abandon them now while things are at their worst, or it will just sink them into an even deeper hole.
I know. But he just won't budge. Every time I tell him, "You're acting psychotic," he snaps back with, "I'm not psychotic, you're the one who's psychotic—look, you're crying." Well, yeah, I'm crying because I'm watching you act like an absolute idiot, not because I've lost my mind.
It's the same old stuff: religious obsessions, weird dreams, superstitions, and daydreaming all day without any connection to reality. Then there's the zero-control hypersexuality, the binge eating, and the total emotional instability. He’s also dealing with auditory hallucinations; I’m basically his worst enemy because he tells me he feels like people are attacking him through subtle cues (I won't go into detail so he doesn't recognize himself). It's just constant grandiose delusions fueled by people he thinks are "friends." He treats whatever they say as gospel, like he's lost the ability to think for himself. He parrots their words like a damn parrot, hides everything from me, and manipulates me constantly. And now, even loud noises are bothering him...🤷
So, is this psychosis, or am I actually the crazy one here? 🤷
Hey there. How can you tell if someone is actually having a psychotic break, specifically when dealing with paranoid schizophrenia?
And if they are, how do you explain to them that things aren't actually going down like they think? 🤷 Because, obviously, they won't admit they're in a psychosis because, in their eyes, I'm just trying to mess with them.
Honestly, I'm losing my mind too. :gaah:
Thank God he's never been violent—he's actually a very quiet, passive guy 😍—but this mental state is absolutely destroying both him and me.
Elizabeth Davis said:I think anyone can start a thread about their own struggle, regardless of whether they have a formal diagnosis or belong to a specific diagnostic group (at least from what I've seen here). Your only issue is that you'll end up with people chiming in who probably haven't even heard of BPD, let alone understand it. They'll try to offer useless advice—kind of like telling someone with chronic insomnia to just drink some warm cocoa and sleep like a baby.
Yeah, but the thread wouldn't just be about, I don't know, "Me and my chaotic 😍 boyfriend." It would inevitably turn into me asking for help and hearing how other people deal with BPD.
The PDF idea isn't terrible, but is it actually worth the effort? We'd probably end up with a document that's barely longer than the original thread topic. I think making that work is going to be a massive uphill battle, at least on a forum like this.🤷
I think I tried starting a separate thread just for people dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder once, but it went absolutely nowhere. Neither side would budge or agree to move over to the other thread because they both felt like moving meant "losing" the argument.
Wait, so you're telling me I can start a thread about my own experiences with BPD and how it messes with my relationship, but I'm not allowed to open a general discussion about BPD itself?
I’m not trying to excuse how we’ve been acting toward our partners lately—I’ve been feeling the weight of it myself over the last few days. But it’s weirdly paradoxical: even though most of us struggle so much with our own sense of self and identity, the whole BPD conversation here seems to revolve almost entirely around our relationships with partners.
It feels like my issues, or the struggles of a BPD person like XY, don't even matter unless they involve how we coexist with someone else. I honestly think we need a thread where we can actually focus on ourselves for once. It’s the same for the partners. Because if someone tells you 😁 in a discussion about relationships, it’s hard to build anything meaningful with anyone else if you haven't sorted yourself out first.
Trust me, it would work better. We’d understand each other more easily, and there wouldn't be as much bickering because the focus would stay on our own perspectives. You wouldn't get that total chaos when a partner's worldview crashes head-first into a BPD person's lived experience.
Look, I’m asking nicely: please don't let this thread turn into a series of ad hominem attacks. I am really not in the mood for verbal warfare. I’ve had enough of that in RL yesterday and today. 🙂
Don't get me wrong, it would be great to integrate relationship stuff into the standard BPD threads. But given our incredibly low tolerance for criticism and how emotionally charged a partner's worldview can be, I can say with total certainty that mixing them just doesn't work.
The biggest issue I see is that if BPD folks only focus on their individual functioning, they might miss out on feedback regarding how they affect their partners—which is a massive part of the BPD struggle. On the flip side, partners might be too rigid or biased due to their own varied negative experiences (and some of those stories I've read are genuinely horrific), which could negatively impact the BPD people reading them. After all, with BPD, we aren't all completely the same.