Posts by mellowskipper

rowdypanther12 said:Look, maybe just tell her to stop nagging about the smoke and let her know she can smoke if she wants, because she'll stop whenever she feels ready. 😁

I don't see anything wrong with pointing out my own mistakes to my child and explaining exactly what they cost me. Most people have to learn things the hard way, but if she can take even 0.5% of what I've learned to heart, that's a win.

If I’m smoking, though... yeah, I definitely wouldn't be pointing out my mistakes while holding a cigarette.

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!

Look, there’s no need to get worked up about this. My point—if I can even call it that—is just that you don't really have much room to maneuver when it comes to the cigarette situation. It’s a tight spot. And honestly, I think that goes for non-smoking parents too, because, well... what can you actually do? She smokes, and that’s that. I guess it all just boils down to one thing—whether she chooses to do it right in front of you or not.

Timothy Phillips said:🙂 🙂 🙂
Well done. It would be much easier than arguing with someone behind a laptop screen.
There are clearly two opposing sides here, black and white. Absolute extremes. Some of us don't think a teenager smoking is the end of the world. I simply suggested that those of us who should set an example might need to look in the mirror first. Most people start during their teenage years. I have nothing more to contribute to this discussion.

God forbid anything worse happens. I suppose I agree with you there.

rowdypanther12 said:They probably lectured you because they wanted to be helpful. Maybe you would've reacted differently if they had just pointed out how pathetic we've become—how we can't stop because we're addicts, or how we messed up when we were just stupid kids, and now we're stuck spending huge amounts of money because we can't quit, just like most addicts.
Don't make the same mistakes we did; try to learn from our failures.

Buffett, I’m just some miserable smoker who can't even throw my butts in the trash without making excuses to my kid about being an "addict."
As someone who used to be a chronic, heavy smoker—like, a whole pack a day kind of situation—I know firsthand just how brutal nicotine addiction really is. But the second I found out I was pregnant, I quit cold turkey, and I haven't touched one since—so, thirteen years now. If I were to light one up today, I'd probably slip right back into those old habits.
But the point is, it's possible if you actually want it. Though, I suppose that isn't really what this conversation is about...

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Timothy Phillips said:I’ll admit, I lack credibility.
I'll admit, that's why people dismiss me.
I'll admit, I am at fault.

Listening to non-smokers act like moral authorities makes my skin crawl.
It makes me want to light up just to calm down.

I’m really not trying to lecture anyone. I was just explaining how things sounded to me back then—from my own perspective, I guess. And if anything, that whole situation actually made me smoke less, mostly because I wasn't allowed to do it at home, and nobody would give me money for packs, so I had to figure it out on my own.
But those tips about only smoking at home? Don't follow them. Just don't. If someone smokes at home, they're going to smoke around other people too. That's just how it works.

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My twelve-year-old thinks this movie is absolutely incredible

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Jacob Lopez2 said:I don't see any hypocrisy whatsoever in teenagers defending the same behaviors adults engage in; bad habits take root early, and it is far better to intervene before they become permanent.
And let’s be clear: cigarettes, alcohol, and similar substances are devastatingly more harmful to a developing body.

What truly baffles me is this extreme pendulum swing—moving from utter shock and disbelief to total acceptance overnight without even having a real conversation about it.

If I were in your shoes, I would be giving regular lectures on the physiological damage smoking does to a young organism. Not to mention the revolting smoker's breath, the stench, and those disgusting yellowed fingers and teeth.
Perhaps those images might act as a deterrent. Perhaps not, but at least I would know I had fulfilled my duty as a parent.

There is a very high probability she'll end up crushing on some guy who immediately loses interest the moment he kisses her and catches that stench.

Well, my parents used to give me those long monologues, yet the smoke in our house was so thick you could practically cut it with a knife.
They were incredibly convincing, though.
I guess they could have started by setting an example themselves. At least that's how I saw it back then. Or rather, I didn't really take them seriously at all. They had neither the credibility nor the right to lecture me about cigarettes.

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Back when I was a teenager, I used to look at my parents and just see total hypocrites regarding that whole subject. Both of them were smoking like they were trying to win a contest, yet they’d spend all this time lecturing me about how unhealthy it was.
Their credibility? Absolutely zero.
I suppose, if there was any silver lining, it was that because of their attitude, I didn't smoke inside the house—which, I guess, meant I ended up smoking less overall.

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slystag4 said:A total disaster. Kids are going to end up protecting the very people who couldn't care less about them, let alone anyone else. So, dear parents—and I guess we should include the grandparents who refused to get vaccinated—you are directly responsible for this shift to remote learning. It must feel great, I'm sure. 🙂

What specific category of people are we even talking about here, and how exactly are they expecting the government to protect them?

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David Palmer5 said:Unfortunately, it isn't just the seniors getting hit
Take what the director of the local intensive care unit mentioned:
"- We’re seeing young patients too. For instance, the youngest person in our respiratory unit is only 22. Even the youngest person currently on a ventilator is 47. These are all critical cases, and the situation isn't looking like it did at the start of the pandemic," he noted.

We have young people on my COVID ward as well, though they mostly fall into the category of having severe comorbidities—typically things like leukemia or being organ transplant recipients on immunosuppressants. Some are vaccinated, some aren't.
If we’re talking specifically about college students—just so I don't go completely off-topic—it would certainly be better if they got vaccinated. At the very least, it increases their chances of survival. Though, honestly, given how things are right now, they might be better off sticking to remote learning anyway. I’m sure their universities would be understanding about that.

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Laura Miller38 said:Which cardiologist should I go with—my options are pretty much limited to UnitedHealth Group, Saint Catherine, Medtronic, or Heartland? I'm looking for a basic checkup since I've been dealing with some minor issues lately.

Does anyone here actually have experience with any of these places?

Well, you can use an insurance referral at Heartland—if that’s even relevant to you.

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dustymarlin10 said:A total mess?
It’s like trying to find a specialist you absolutely need, yet somehow they’re impossible to actually reach.
Last time I tried, I had to call exactly 44 times before someone finally deigned to pick up the phone.

It was either a busy signal or just ringing until I lost my mind.

rustymason82 said:Only 44 times? I’ve had to call 69 times just to get someone to pick up the phone!

Now, I'm not trying to make excuses for the nurses, but their workload has exploded since the pandemic. They aren't just handling paperwork anymore; they're basically acting as orderlies too. They have to go out, grab the patient, bring them in, and lock the doors... It's overwhelming. I remember being in my hospital bed, nursing a wound after surgery, while the phone just kept ringing and ringing. People were getting angry because nobody was answering, but how can they when they're busy performing two different jobs at once?
I honestly think the real issue lies with the doctors. There was a time when they would actually answer the phone themselves if the nurse was tied up, especially if they didn't have a patient right in front of them. In my local clinic, we've cycled through five different doctors in a very short period, and all of them just sit there waiting for a nurse to bring the patient to them. God forbid they actually get up to fetch someone or take a quick call—it just doesn't happen.

I’ve just given up on calling altogether. My doctor's office has a dedicated line for prescriptions, referrals, and messages, but for anything else, you have to show up in person. Theoretically, one should make an appointment, but I just show up. They have to see me.

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Walter Thomas18 said:What kind of surgeon actually makes $2333??? None of them.

Even a surgical resident isn't seeing money like that. Maybe
the guy just got his math mixed up somewhere.-ish

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I was wondering, which Community Health Center actually performs EEGs?

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:Unfortunately, I ended up getting played all by myself. I have to admit, I really didn't see it coming... It was more like I was trying to force a confession because I started looking back at everything and realized her stories about not smoking—and blaming everything on her friend—just didn't add up. And this went on for months. A smart person would've seen through it way sooner, and I can't exactly call myself a genius after all this... If it's any consolation, she probably would've smoked anyway, regardless of whether we gave her the okay. That's just how she is.

More like adolescence. And God forbid there's an even greater evil than cigarettes...

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:Honestly, I’m too embarrassed to even talk about this outside... It’s not some poser move at all. Far from wanting to encourage it, I’d actually be happiest if none of this was happening... but I just can't look the other way.

Well, if she doesn't smoke outside, where else is she supposed to go besides home—especially since she has your blessing? I mean, if you tell her she can't smoke inside, does that mean she just won't smoke anywhere?
It's more likely that she just got dumped by you.

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This has absolutely nothing to do with Hollywood politics.
It feels like we’re heading toward a point where you'll probably have to disclose if you're trans, bi, non-binary, or whatever other category exists on the list just to fill out a form. But, I guess, nevermind...
Speaking of the cenobite, I don't actually recall them being asexual or perverse—it's been a while. I should probably rewatch the movies to be sure.

Ah... I wonder how long this is actually going to drag on.

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:After a super long day where both my daughter and I were just pretending nothing weird happened yesterday, I finally looked for the right moment to bring up the elephant in the room. I decided I wasn't going to wait even one more day... Dad has his Sunday night football game, which gave me some much-needed time to talk to her one-on-one.
I suggested we step out onto the balcony for a smoke and a serious talk, and she actually agreed, believe it or not...
First, I laid it all out from my perspective—how I didn't start smoking until I was relatively late, around 23, and even though I don't go through more than half a pack a day, quitting is such a massive struggle because the addiction is real. She said she totally gets it, that she’s tried to quit too, but she just can't seem to pull it off (though I have my doubts, but okay), and that she feels anxious without them. Lately, she's been averaging about five cigarettes a day. When I asked if she had her own stash, she mentioned she has a friend with a connection somewhere they buy them, so it's not an issue, or she just smokes her friend's cigarettes that her mom buys for her. I told her that's exactly the problem... it creates issues for her personally, and it's wrong for that shop to be selling to her, plus it's just not right to be scrounging off a friend.
So, I set some ground rules: I'm the only one buying her cigarettes now. I can maybe tolerate five a day, but anything more than that is a hard no. She can smoke at home, she can smoke mine, and since she clearly hangs out with that friend, she can smoke there... but absolutely not outside, and definitely not around the school grounds. I also made it clear I have no intention of hiding this from her father; it was just a coincidence that I found out first, but I need to figure out how to break the news to him.
To wrap things up, I told her again that I'm not happy about how things are going. I won't lecture her on the health risks because she already knows, but I did tell her I'm ready to reward her once she quits. I even got specific about what she'll get, how, and when, provided I'm convinced she's actually done with it. It seems fair on my end... we'll see.
The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. We stepped onto the balcony, had two cigarettes each, and that was it.
I feel a sense of relief. In return, I'm expecting an honest relationship like the one I initiated. Nothing fundamentally changes, except she won't be hiding things from me anymore, and she'll have to stick to our agreement.
So, that's the short version. I'm acting like everything is fine, even though I know it isn't. I can't just turn a blind eye to what I'm seeing, but I don't want to be a cop either. It's easier to just believe I did the right thing and put this situation to rest.
Moving forward, there's no going back.
Thanks again to everyone for the advice. Now I'm off to do laundry, everything just feels so exhausting...

I think you handled that well and managed to dig up some actually important information. It’s great that she shared that with you and that you two have such a solid relationship.
I definitely agree that you should tell your husband.

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:So, here’s an update on my situation from yesterday.
My conscience just wouldn't let it go... I had to get it off my chest, and honestly, I think I ended up saying way more than I should have.
After reading what hiddendriver34 wrote, I decided to try a different approach.
We were just hanging out at home yesterday morning, and I brought up the whole cigarette thing again. But this time, I kept it chill. I acted like I didn't care if some other girls at school smoke, or even if they have kids or parents involved... I just needed her to be honest with me if she was doing it herself. I tried to be subtle, no yelling, no being "that" parent... I was acting calm on the outside, but inside, I was a total wreck.
I pulled out my own pack, lit one up—which I almost never do at home—and just set them on the table in front of her. I told her she could have one if she wanted. Silence. Just a solid minute or two of nothing. She just stared at her phone.
Then, acting totally casual, she pulls a cigarette out of the pack and lights it.
In my head, it felt like every volcano on Earth just erupted at once. My heart started racing like crazy. Well, you asked for it... now you've got it. But I knew I had to see this through. I spent a few minutes trying to pull myself together. I asked her how long this had been going on. She told me she tried it for the first time at a friend's house, then took a break, then started smoking more over the summer, and since August, she's been a daily smoker.
That friend gets cigarettes from her mom, so I didn't even have to ask where she was getting them... I figured she was just swiping them. That’s actually the least of my worries right now.
She finished that one cigarette right there in the dining room, stubbed it out, and left me in complete shock—even though I was trying so hard to act like I had everything under control. Truth is, I feel even more lost than before. Then my husband walked in from the yard, so I just dropped the subject entirely.
Now I'm just stuck. What am I supposed to do? She's only 14 and a half. I played with fire and I definitely got burned... I went looking for answers and just ended up making things worse. Did I win anything here? Or did I lose? I couldn't sleep for half the night. Once they start lighting up right in front of you, there's no going back. I really don't know how to handle this now. Has anyone else gone through this?!

Well, I started smoking back in freshman year of high school. Not anymore, though. Basically, my parents forbade it and constantly lectured me about how unhealthy it was and how I might die, blah, blah, blah. At the same time, there wasn't a single room in our house where people weren't smoking; the ashtrays were always overflowing. And my mother, despite everything, works in healthcare. Back then, it just seemed so hypocritical. If they hadn't been smoking, maybe I wouldn't have started.
Regarding your situation, just bite the bullet and accept it. There isn't much you can realistically do. If you try to forbid it like they did to me, she'll just go smoke outside. Besides, you aren't exactly a perfect role model.

Larry Gonzalez83 said:I’m not really sure where else to post this except here. It feels pretty much like typical teenage drama...
I have an eighth grader at home who usually doesn't deal with much in the way of standard puberty issues. School is fine, life is okay, we work through things... it's manageable.
Everything was going smoothly until one day in early September when I caught the smell of smoke on her coming inside. I went full detective mode—trying to figure out the where, the what, the how—and eventually, she confessed. It wasn't even her smoking; it was her best friend. I've known this girl since they were in preschool, to the point where I'm actually on good terms with her mom. We run into each other at coffee shops and stuff. Honestly, I've known the whole family forever, even the dad, though they've been divorced for a while now.
But back to the point: during our talk, it came out that this friend really went off the deep end over summer break, even though she'd apparently experimented with cigarettes before. From what I gather, she spent about a month and a half staying with her grandma out in California, where she could basically do whatever she wanted. That’s apparently when things spiraled and she started buying cigarettes—or having them bought for her, it doesn't really matter. Long story short, the kid is smoking right in front of the grandparents, and definitely in front of her mom. Maybe not in front of her dad since they live apart, but she's doing it around him.
Is this all just part of my daughter's puberty, or is it tied to the divorce, which can be so tough on kids this age? Or who knows... I can't say anything bad about that child, let alone my own. And I can't say anything bad about the mother either, since I've known her for years.
What worries me as a parent is the influence factor. Kids are so tightly bonded, and I don't want to—and shouldn't—try to drive a wedge between them. But I still can't sleep soundly, despite all the talks we've had and all the reassurances that she wouldn't even dream of starting to smoke because she hates the smell and all that.
I don't want to meddle in other people's business or judge someone else's kids or parenting. But I can be genuinely worried, and I can try to steer my own daughter away from that path, but that's really all I can do. Has anyone else here dealt with something similar? How do you handle this without feeling like a hypocrite? I ask because I smoke myself, though I make a huge effort never to do it in front of her. I know I'm not exactly a perfect role model, but I personally didn't pick up smoking until college, mostly just out of sheer stupidity... back when I was fourteen or fifteen, the idea of smoking never even crossed my mind.

In your last paragraph, you pretty much gave yourself the answer.
If you raised her well, she will defend herself against cigarettes and even worse things when faced with peer pressure.
But, well, you smoke and you're telling her how bad and unhealthy it is. Start with yourself and lead by example.

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