Carl Bishop2 said:Quentin
I’ve been thinking a lot about the background of kids who end up in foster care or residential facilities—specifically those teenagers who seem to direct all their aggression toward you the moment they hit adolescence. It really makes you wonder about the domestic environment they came from. From what I can gather, there isn't just one single "type" of family, but there are definitely patterns. Often, these kids come from homes where there was a significant amount of instability—think chronic financial stress, substance abuse issues, or perhaps a lack of consistent emotional availability from the parents. It’s rarely just one thing; it’s usually a combination of factors that leaves a child feeling like the world is an unpredictable or even hostile place. As for the physical aspect, it's a heavy question, but much of the research suggests that yes, many of these kids have experienced physical punishment or even more severe forms of corporal punishment during their early childhood. When a child grows up learning that physical force is how you resolve conflict or express frustration, they often internalize that as their primary "language." By the time they reach their teenage years, that behavior often shifts outward. They aren't necessarily "bad kids"—it's more like they're using a survival mechanism that they learned at home. When they start targeting you, it’s frequently a defensive reflex; they are testing boundaries or trying to regain a sense of control in an environment that feels unfamiliar. It’s almost like they’re projecting the chaos they experienced growing up onto the people trying to provide them with structure. It's a tough cycle to break, but understanding that their outbursts are often a delayed reaction to past trauma helps make sense of why they lash out when you least expect it.
These are some really solid links you've shared here. 👍
For those of you looking to dive a bit deeper into this, I’d really suggest picking up the book...discipline without dramaIt’s also something you’ll find tucked away in libraries—you know, those quiet little corners where you can really get lost in a thought.
The kid who swung at me, official records show zero physical abuse from parents. It was just pure neglect. (He swung because I wouldn't give him what he wanted right then). Most of the violence he dealt with actually came from peers in the group homes.
Most of the kids placed in this specific center where I work—not all, but most—come from messy family situations, though physical violence isn't happening everywhere.
Harold Anderson3 said:@Musk, you should bring your boyfriend or me along to work one day so we can collectively "re-educate" those little kids who keep acting out toward you 😒
I mean, seriously, why on earth would someone actually try to punch you? I feel terrible about it 😢 hang in there!
Thanks, Harold. 🙂
Getting punched is just another Tuesday here. Not even exaggerating.
I know how to defend myself. I'm not scared. 😁
rowdytiger13 said:My brother and I grew up in a house where hands were never laid on us. I don't recall a single instance of a parent hitting me; at most, things would get loud, and that was the absolute limit of how intense it got. We were raised strictly through a system of rewards and consequences... if I’m being blunt, it felt more like training. If you messed up, the punishment stayed in effect until it was served, and both of them were damnably relentless about that.
To be honest... there were plenty of times I actually wished they’d just lost it and given me a beating, just so I could take my medicine and move on—whether that meant being grounded from the PC, staying inside, or whatever else they decided. They always picked the "perfect" punishment.
Looking back, I’m actually grateful for it. I’m proud of them for being among those rare types of parents who managed to raise two sons without ever resorting to violence, though I have to give credit to my mother, who had the time and the patience to keep everything running smoothly at home.
Solid post. 👍
Kids learn internal structure and discipline by adopting an external one. Control, in general, is about following instructions—whether they're coming from the outside or the inside. Self-control and internal regulation depend on the development of inner speech, which stems from social speech. External control has to come before self-control. Your folks definitely "forced" it on you—trained you, as you put it—to prep you for independent life. They set up a clear external structure for you without the physical beatings, just using psychological pressure instead.😁
If we actually want to raise kids who aren't miserable and anxious, we need to focus on emotional intelligence. A huge part of that? Teaching them how to delay gratification.
Parenting is a total moving target these days. You gotta be flexible.
The trick is giving them enough structure so they don't grow up totally lost, but not so much that they never learn how to function on their own. Phew.