Topic of the day: Would you rather cheat or be cheated on?

Melissa Rogers4 said:Look, I just want one woman. Just her, and only her. I don't want anyone else because she’s the one who stands out from the crowd to me. If she feels the exact same way about me, then we’ll be together, just the two of us. We should be loving each other, not hurting each other. If someone’s feelings change, they should be honest with their partner out of respect. You shouldn't stay silent and go behind the back of someone you were just soulfully connected to...

If she needed someone else and was fulfilling that need on the side, the breakup wouldn't be about jealousy; it would be because my attention is focused entirely on her, while hers is scattered. It becomes an unbalanced relationship. You know? The initial terms and the harmony we built up get ruined. So, I'm not jealous that she went to someone else; I'm just sad that our relationship isn't the same anymore after she left...

By keeping secrets, we lose the core parts of love: trust, respect, stability, intimacy, and everything else. How can a relationship like that even work? The other thing is that she should have just spoken up. She should have trusted me enough to say her feelings had changed, or that she had changed, so we could figure it out. Maybe we would have worked something out, maybe a different kind of arrangement. But at least there wouldn't be any lying, and we could have kept our friendship and human connection, even if the romance couldn't stay the same...

I sign off on this word for word. 👍

That is how things ought to work in a decent world. But all too often, people avoid being honest out of fear or a desire to avoid discomfort, thinking they won't hurt the other person. In doing so, they drift far away from that original ideal, and eventually, they find themselves in over their heads—at which point, it becomes certain that plenty of people will end up deeply hurt.

Sisyphus is back at it, pushing that tired old argument that if you aren't jealous, you don't actually love your partner. A lack of jealousy isn't an invitation to share; it's just maturity. Jealousy is pure narcissism, not affection. A jealous person simply loves themselves more than their partner, willing to stifle or sabotage someone else just to soothe a fragile ego. People try to market jealousy as a spice for romance—an essential ingredient—but really, it’s just a convenient way to mask selfishness and ego.

fadedcobra7 said:Solid point. There was a time when adultery was actually legally sanctioned too.

Do you all think it should stay that way, or has enough changed?

When two people stand before an official and swear their vows, they agree to certain terms that carry legal weight—like one partner being responsible for the other's debts if a tragic accident happens tomorrow.

There's that old movie about Strahinja Knezović where his wife cheats on him. Back then, custom dictated that the betrayed man could legally gouge out the woman's eyes in front of witnesses. Everything was set up and ready to go, but at the last second, Strahinja throws the blade aside and tells everyone, "Her sin is sweeter to me than your holiness." Everyone is left stunned and confused, and he just takes her home to continue their life together.

fadedcobra7 said:So, are you actually in a polyamorous relationship right now?

I know a few people living that lifestyle—mostly couples in open relationships, but also a couple of trios.

I’ve certainly experienced those conflicting internal tides; for instance, finding myself profoundly *in love* with one woman in an almost asexual capacity, while simultaneously feeling an intense erotic pull toward another, with whom I was actually dating. Since my feelings for the first girl—who was nominally just a friend—didn't involve any sexual fantasies (let alone acting on them), I foolishly convinced myself I wasn't committing any kind of betrayal... however, much like what that research suggests, women can be significantly more prone to jealousy within that specific emotional sphere, and that is precisely where the misunderstanding took root.

coastalwalker9 said:You end up hurting yourself, too.

There is nothing quite as ugly as that feeling of being unclean and finding yourself utterly repulsive.

But why would anyone feel revulsion if there is no jealousy involved and no one else is being caused distress? If, however, that sense of unease does manifest, then I suppose I must agree, as it is hardly a noble thing to inflict such negative emotions upon others.

fadedcobra7 said:Solid point. There was a time when adultery was actually legally sanctioned too.

Do you all think it should stay that way, or has enough changed?

When two people stand before an official and swear their vows, they agree to certain terms that carry legal weight—like one partner being responsible for the other's debts if a tragic accident happens tomorrow.

If you're asking me for real... it’s just a bit much.

Why would anyone be grossed out by eating something if they don't have stomach issues? Just because they don't like the food. Sure, they could eat it without any digestive trouble, but if it tastes bad, they aren't going to force it down. They're healthy, so it's not like anything's going to happen. Come on, Sisyphus...

Melissa Rogers4 said:Why would anyone be grossed out by eating something if they don't have stomach issues? Just because they don't like the food. Sure, they could eat it without any digestive trouble, but if it tastes bad, they aren't going to force it down. They're healthy, so it's not like anything's going to happen. Come on, Sisyphus...

In my estimation, no decent woman—or indeed, any functioning human being, for that matter—would ever truly feel "repulsed" (barring some extreme outliers or criminals), which leads me to believe that suggesting one's love for another person could be characterized by such visceral disgust is an entirely misguided comparison.

You were replying to that post about how cheating just feels plain dirty. The idea is that beyond just jealousy, there are other reasons why being unfaithful is such a turn-off. It's kind of like when food just tastes bad...

Melissa Rogers4 said:You were replying to that post about how cheating just feels plain dirty. The idea is that beyond just jealousy, there are other reasons why being unfaithful is such a turn-off. It's kind of like when food just tastes bad...

I haven't encountered any of those alternative motives yet, especially since they all seem to eventually boil down to that unpleasant sensation which, quite frankly, is just jealousy in disguise. I suppose one could argue religious reasons exist outside of that, but nobody here seems to be invoking God.

Here’s why:
1. letting feelings shift without saying a word, just keeping them buried
2. hanging out with people in ways you know would hurt your partner
3. pretending everything is fine and that you're still a team when you aren't

How many more reasons do you need...

Melissa Rogers4 said:Here’s why:
1. letting feelings shift without saying a word, just keeping them buried
2. hanging out with people in ways you know would hurt your partner
3. pretending everything is fine and that you're still a team when you aren't

How many more reasons do you need...

Well, obviously, I concur; however, if jealousy isn't present, there is quite simply no motivation for points one, two, or three, much like how those motivations simply don't exist within a non-jealous friendship or philia-based love..

Sisyphus, you set things up as an exclusive relationship where it’s just the two of you. You can be jealous or not, but you don't want a third person involved. Then, when your partner ignores that boundary, you try to claim it doesn't matter because if you aren't feeling jealous, there's no issue. But it does matter, because it's about a lack of respect. Another thing is that the relationship started out open and everyone was on board. Once it stops being open, then it becomes an issue—not necessarily because of jealousy, but because someone is hiding the fact that they actually want to be with someone else...

Melissa Rogers4 said:Sisyphus, you set things up as an exclusive relationship where it’s just the two of you. You can be jealous or not, but you don't want a third person involved. Then, when your partner ignores that boundary, you try to claim it doesn't matter because if you aren't feeling jealous, there's no issue. But it does matter, because it's about a lack of respect. Another thing is that the relationship started out open and everyone was on board. Once it stops being open, then it becomes an issue—not necessarily because of jealousy, but because someone is hiding the fact that they actually want to be with someone else...

If jealousy isn't even part of the equation, then why on earth would you insist on exclusivity? In the realm of *philia*—that deep, platonic affection—one likely doesn't feel much jealousy, which means there is no real reason to demand exclusivity or a monopoly on friendship, right? Of course, there are those rare individuals who actually *do* experience jealousy in that sphere, and for them, a perceived "betrayal" might occur simply because their best friend starts hanging out with someone else. (Though, I should note that those who harbor jealousy within *philia*, rather than just in romantic love, are quite a small minority indeed).

Another thread about jealousy 😍.

Good grief.

feralranger said:If jealousy isn't even part of the equation, then why on earth would you insist on exclusivity? In the realm of *philia*—that deep, platonic affection—one likely doesn't feel much jealousy, which means there is no real reason to demand exclusivity or a monopoly on friendship, right? Of course, there are those rare individuals who actually *do* experience jealousy in that sphere, and for them, a perceived "betrayal" might occur simply because their best friend starts hanging out with someone else. (Though, I should note that those who harbor jealousy within *philia*, rather than just in romantic love, are quite a small minority indeed).

Because I want a relationship with one woman, not a rotation. Once I’m in, I want to give my all to her without worrying about someone else taking up that same energy. I’m looking for a partner who wants what I want—to be everything to each other, rather than just filling half the gaps because the other half is being handled elsewhere. I wouldn't even start something if she asked if I'd mind her seeing other people under the logic that love can be shared. While I appreciate generosity, I'm looking for someone who saves that devotion just for me... and nobody else. Just a monogamous connection. I want to be hers, and I want her to be mine. Wanting to keep things between us isn't about being jealous; it's about protecting something that belongs solely to us. A third person just complicates that bond...

feralranger said:I’ve certainly experienced those conflicting internal tides; for instance, finding myself profoundly *in love* with one woman in an almost asexual capacity, while simultaneously feeling an intense erotic pull toward another, with whom I was actually dating. Since my feelings for the first girl—who was nominally just a friend—didn't involve any sexual fantasies (let alone acting on them), I foolishly convinced myself I wasn't committing any kind of betrayal... however, much like what that research suggests, women can be significantly more prone to jealousy within that specific emotional sphere, and that is precisely where the misunderstanding took root.

But why would anyone feel revulsion if there is no jealousy involved and no one else is being caused distress? If, however, that sense of unease does manifest, then I suppose I must agree, as it is hardly a noble thing to inflict such negative emotions upon others.

I was actually referring to the internal sensation I would experience within myself, toward my own character, had I been the one to cheat. In such a scenario, I would simply feel dirty and revolting to my own conscience.

Melissa Rogers4 said:Because I want a relationship with one woman, not a rotation. Once I’m in, I want to give my all to her without worrying about someone else taking up that same energy. I’m looking for a partner who wants what I want—to be everything to each other, rather than just filling half the gaps because the other half is being handled elsewhere. I wouldn't even start something if she asked if I'd mind her seeing other people under the logic that love can be shared. While I appreciate generosity, I'm looking for someone who saves that devotion just for me... and nobody else. Just a monogamous connection. I want to be hers, and I want her to be mine. Wanting to keep things between us isn't about being jealous; it's about protecting something that belongs solely to us. A third person just complicates that bond...

I follow your logic, certainly, yet one could argue that those who exhibit jealousy within the sphere of *philia* would express similar sentiments. In that context, even a third friend—one who might socialize with your chosen "best friend"—would be deemed undesirable.

If I may paraphrase the biblical sentiment (I am your God, jealous, have no other gods besides me)) to apply to your romantic life, you are essentially demanding this position:

"I am your partner, jealous; have no other men besides me."

One might suggest that insisting upon exclusivity is, in fact, an implicit expression of jealousy regarding the possibility of spreading one's affection to others.

If love is truly devoid of jealousy, then it ceases to be exclusive. Such a (truly non-jealous) affection is, for most people, merely a friendship or *philia*, as opposed to the erotic kind, which inherently is not.

coastalwalker9 said:I was actually referring to the internal sensation I would experience within myself, toward my own character, had I been the one to cheat. In such a scenario, I would simply feel dirty and revolting to my own conscience.

Understood, but if the individual you are involved with is (truly not) jealous, and instead tells you: "It is wonderful that you shared that human experience with someone else as well," then presumably, one would find no reason to feel soiled or repulsive.

Are you saying it’s impossible for a man and a woman to be non-jealous and still want a relationship where they don't share their intimacy with anyone else? Answer that first, then we can move on...

feralranger said:I follow your logic, certainly, yet one could argue that those who exhibit jealousy within the sphere of *philia* would express similar sentiments. In that context, even a third friend—one who might socialize with your chosen "best friend"—would be deemed undesirable.

If I may paraphrase the biblical sentiment (I am your God, jealous, have no other gods besides me)) to apply to your romantic life, you are essentially demanding this position:

"I am your partner, jealous; have no other men besides me."

One might suggest that insisting upon exclusivity is, in fact, an implicit expression of jealousy regarding the possibility of spreading one's affection to others.

If love is truly devoid of jealousy, then it ceases to be exclusive. Such a (truly non-jealous) affection is, for most people, merely a friendship or *philia*, as opposed to the erotic kind, which inherently is not.

Understood, but if the individual you are involved with is (truly not) jealous, and instead tells you: "It is wonderful that you shared that human experience with someone else as well," then presumably, one would find no reason to feel soiled or repulsive.

No. A person can be with whoever they want and end things whenever they feel like it. You just have to be honest instead of hiding stuff. Hiding things is the actual issue, not the jealousy itself...

feralranger said:I follow your logic, certainly, yet one could argue that those who exhibit jealousy within the sphere of *philia* would express similar sentiments. In that context, even a third friend—one who might socialize with your chosen "best friend"—would be deemed undesirable.

If I may paraphrase the biblical sentiment (I am your God, jealous, have no other gods besides me)) to apply to your romantic life, you are essentially demanding this position:

"I am your partner, jealous; have no other men besides me."

One might suggest that insisting upon exclusivity is, in fact, an implicit expression of jealousy regarding the possibility of spreading one's affection to others.

If love is truly devoid of jealousy, then it ceases to be exclusive. Such a (truly non-jealous) affection is, for most people, merely a friendship or *philia*, as opposed to the erotic kind, which inherently is not.

Understood, but if the individual you are involved with is (truly not) jealous, and instead tells you: "It is wonderful that you shared that human experience with someone else as well," then presumably, one would find no reason to feel soiled or repulsive.

We are discussing infidelity here, not some perfect scenario where circumstances align so flawlessly that cheating doesn't even become an option.

Personally, when I am in a relationship, I don't feel the need to seek out anyone else. I honestly can't wrap my head around what it would even look like to distribute love in multiple directions at once.
Attraction? Sure, that happens. But love is something I can only feel for one person. That one exclusive connection. Everything surrounding that love might be a form of gratification, but
I'm not looking for mere gratification; I want it with that one specific person for whom I feel love.