Topic of the day: Would you rather cheat or be cheated on?

Melissa Rogers4 said:Are you saying it’s impossible for a man and a woman to be non-jealous and still want a relationship where they don't share their intimacy with anyone else? Answer that first, then we can move on...

No. A person can be with whoever they want and end things whenever they feel like it. You just have to be honest instead of hiding stuff. Hiding things is the actual issue, not the jealousy itself...

If one female friend were to tell another that she insists on a monopoly and views the expansion of philia love to a third party as undesirable, I would naturally conclude that we are dealing with jealousy rather than some noble desire to spread affection.

The same logic applies here. (Though, if one must note a crucial distinction, the vast majority of people within the sphere of philia are not prone to jealousy, whereas those in the erotic sphere certainly are.)

coastalwalker9 said:We are discussing infidelity here, not some perfect scenario where circumstances align so flawlessly that cheating doesn't even become an option.

Personally, when I am in a relationship, I don't feel the need to seek out anyone else. I honestly can't wrap my head around what it would even look like to distribute love in multiple directions at once.
Attraction? Sure, that happens. But love is something I can only feel for one person. That one exclusive connection. Everything surrounding that love might be a form of gratification, but
I'm not looking for mere gratification; I want it with that one specific person for whom I feel love.

One can only speak of "infidelity" if there is a victim involved; however, it is impossible to have a victim—in the sense of someone being emotionally wounded—if the parties involved are not experiencing jealousy, but are instead finding joy in the expansion of not just philia, but erotic love as well.

You didn't actually answer my question. It doesn't matter what the friend who disagreed with the mono-friendship thinks; it's about the one who agreed to it. Once she gave her word, she can't just go back on the deal and act behind someone's back. Is that okay?...

People end up getting hurt because there was an established set of rules. Once you agree to those terms, you have to stick to them, otherwise, you're just being dishonest. Think of it like a job interview at a place like Google—if you agree on the salary and benefits, and then the employer suddenly changes everything without telling you or reaching a new agreement, they've broken their word. They might try to claim you're just being petty or difficult, but that’s just a distraction from the real issue: breaking the agreement...

A busted circuit board 🤣

If someone in a marriage cheats—but we’re talking purely physical, zero emotional strings attached, just a way to blow off steam—why is that considered some kind of moral catastrophe?
Sure, traditional religious views call it a sin, but if you aren't religious, why should it be an issue?
Picture this: your spouse heads out for a massive corporate retreat over a weekend—lots of activities like paintball, white-water rafting, touring some historic estate, followed by a steak dinner, drinks, and a wild party. Somewhere in that mix, things get physical with someone else.
Then your partner comes home feeling refreshed, recharged, maybe even carrying a little extra energy from the trip...
What happened at the retreat stays at the retreat.
And the couple just carries on, happily managing their life together—the mortgage, the kids, the daily grind.

Where is the actual harm in that?

Melissa Rogers4 said:Are you saying it’s impossible for a man and a woman to be non-jealous and still want a relationship where they don't share their intimacy with anyone else? Answer that first, then we can move on...

No. A person can be with whoever they want and end things whenever they feel like it. You just have to be honest instead of hiding stuff. Hiding things is the actual issue, not the jealousy itself...

It’s starting to become somewhat unclear to me as well that Sisyphus simply doesn't grasp this. Or perhaps, more likely, he just refuses to.

It isn't about jealousy, really; it’s simply that I can't envision myself participating in those kinds of multi-partner relationships.

coastalwalker9 said:It’s starting to become somewhat unclear to me as well that Sisyphus simply doesn't grasp this. Or perhaps, more likely, he just refuses to.

It isn't about jealousy, really; it’s simply that I can't envision myself participating in those kinds of multi-partner relationships.

To illustrate, if I were to insist that my friend Steve had no other companions besides myself, and felt a certain sense of unease at the mere thought of him befriending Simon—that would imply a level of jealousy within the realm of friendship.

The situation you are describing functions in much the same way, only it pertains to the erotic sphere (which, for the vast majority of people, is precisely how it works).

Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

What if Steve starts hanging out with your worst enemy?

nimblemarlin6 said:If someone in a marriage cheats—but we’re talking purely physical, zero emotional strings attached, just a way to blow off steam—why is that considered some kind of moral catastrophe?
Sure, traditional religious views call it a sin, but if you aren't religious, why should it be an issue?
Picture this: your spouse heads out for a massive corporate retreat over a weekend—lots of activities like paintball, white-water rafting, touring some historic estate, followed by a steak dinner, drinks, and a wild party. Somewhere in that mix, things get physical with someone else.
Then your partner comes home feeling refreshed, recharged, maybe even carrying a little extra energy from the trip...
What happened at the retreat stays at the retreat.
And the couple just carries on, happily managing their life together—the mortgage, the kids, the daily grind.

Where is the actual harm in that?

If there is no jealousy, there is no emotional damage—not to mention the total absence of material loss—and if there is no damage, one could argue there can be no actual *sin*.

However, since most people in that particular arena (to distinguish it from philia) are inherently prone to jealousy, they end up causing significant emotional distress to others. It is from that specific fallout that the *sin* arises.

fadedcobra7 said:Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

Amen!

Joseph Rivera75 said:Don't you get it? You're the only one here who's actually polyamorous.

Actually, that isn't quite the case.

feralranger said:If there is no jealousy, there is no emotional damage—not to mention the total absence of material loss—and if there is no damage, one could argue there can be no actual *sin*.

However, since most people in that particular arena (to distinguish it from philia) are inherently prone to jealousy, they end up causing significant emotional distress to others. It is from that specific fallout that the *sin* arises.

🤦

fadedcobra7 said:Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

He just dodges any questions or arguments that don't suit him. He acts like those parts of the conversation didn't even happen and just keeps repeating himself. Honestly, you can only shrug your shoulders at that...

Melissa Rogers4 said:He just dodges any questions or arguments that don't suit him. He acts like those parts of the conversation didn't even happen and just keeps repeating himself. Honestly, you can only shrug your shoulders at that...

Or you can just keep copying and pasting your own posts over and over.
For years 🤣

fadedcobra7 said:Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

That is trivial.

However, if there truly is no jealousy involved, then there is absolutely no initial need to insist upon monoeroticism (monogamy), much in the same way one wouldn't feel the need to demand a monopoly on friendship.

Yeah, I could probably keep repeating myself until I lose my mind... 😁

feralranger said:If one female friend were to tell another that she insists on a monopoly and views the expansion of philia love to a third party as undesirable, I would naturally conclude that we are dealing with jealousy rather than some noble desire to spread affection.

The same logic applies here. (Though, if one must note a crucial distinction, the vast majority of people within the sphere of philia are not prone to jealousy, whereas those in the erotic sphere certainly are.)

One can only speak of "infidelity" if there is a victim involved; however, it is impossible to have a victim—in the sense of someone being emotionally wounded—if the parties involved are not experiencing jealousy, but are instead finding joy in the expansion of not just philia, but erotic love as well.

Alright, let’s look at a hypothetical scenario. Suppose my partner and I haven't been intimate in ages—it's been over a year since we last had sex—but the love between us remains steadfast. We both genuinely want nothing more than the other's happiness.
Now, imagine I meet someone new.
Someone captivating, as new connections always seem to be at first; that initial spark is always quite something. Even though I truly love my longtime partner, this new acquaintance stirs something in me, and I end up sleeping with them because they’ve awakened desires I thought were dormant.
And I am certain my partner won't hold it against me; in fact, he would be happy for my fulfillment.

But I wouldn't be happy. That is the part you simply cannot grasp, Sisyphus.
While I might feel the rush of passion, there is no deep love or emotional necessity directed toward this new person—there is only the physical need for sex.
Essentially, I am having sex with this newcomer, yet my heart and my desire remain firmly with my partner.
Because, as I have previously noted, it is impossible for me to be in love with two, three, or even more people simultaneously. You can certainly have multiple sexual partners, but that isn't love.
At least, it wouldn't be for me.

God, this Sisyphus just keeps rehashing the same old crap year after year... literally saying nothing at all...

fadedcobra7 said:Even my girlfriend was like, "Let's ring in New Year's together." We make all these plans, get everything lined up, and then she just flakes on me to hit up some party with someone else? Honestly, I’d lose my mind.

It’s the exact same thing if a partner says, "I'm going to open up my inner world to you and we'll have this deep, exclusive connection," only to go out to some random bar, come home, and act like nothing ever happened. They didn't share anything.

This isn't about being jealous. It's about broken promises, betrayal, and straight-up lying.

Yeah. 👍

Let’s be clear: this isn't about jealousy. This is about a total betrayal of everything we stand for as Americans.
You screw up with the wrong person, and suddenly the lights flash on, forcing you to face the cold, hard truth about the absolute disaster of a personality you’ve been sleeping next to.

Melissa Rivera said:God, this Sisyphus just keeps rehashing the same old crap year after year... literally saying nothing at all...

Someone really needs to go into his hard drive and delete the folder where he keeps all those pre-written scripts.😁.

darkjackal7 said:Yeah. 👍

Let’s be clear: this isn't about jealousy. This is about a total betrayal of everything we stand for as Americans.
You screw up with the wrong person, and suddenly the lights flash on, forcing you to face the cold, hard truth about the absolute disaster of a personality you’ve been sleeping next to.

Amen.
And you can commit betrayal in any sphere, even in the most niche, hyper-specific areas too. 🤷.