How to be a good person without being a doormat

Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

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Maybe if there was just a bit more actual effort involved—without needing to go all "selfless martyr" about it. If someone had actually reached out to the worker personally or stepped up to help move their own gear, maybe things would’ve gone the way they expected... Being "the good guy" by paying someone who claims they'll go volunteer somewhere else, only for it to turn out they never even did the job they were paid for? That says a lot about a person's character. They're probably just playing the hero to look big. What a messed up world.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

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Whenever I run into a sentiment like that, I just close the book or move on to a different topic immediately...
Later

You shouldn't give more than what you’re actually okay with losing. If you end up sitting there later tallying up everything you contributed and thinking about how people took advantage of you, then you didn't give out of kindness—you were just being selfish in the first place.

Think about it like the way a mother gives to her child without a second thought. It's pure. If you aren't ready to let go of something, then don't bother giving it at all. Otherwise, you're just going to walk away feeling used. And honestly? It’s usually not even because people actually exploited you, it’s just because you can't seem to give without secretly hoping for something in return.

At that point, you're just acting like a walking calculator.

I've even seen people who give just because it makes them feel better while they're stuck in a terrible headspace. But true giving should be effortless. You should be just as indifferent about giving something away as you are when someone hands you something for free.

So, did you actually ask for the cash for all that stuff you sold?

Jacob Thompson3 said:Whenever I run into a sentiment like that, I just close the book or move on to a different topic immediately...
Later

What's even the issue with that sentence?

Robert Reyes4 said:So, did you actually ask for the cash for all that stuff you sold?

🤣

Laura Castillo6 said:🤣

Honestly, this just bugs me: saying you want to make something for someone and then not even bothering to actually do it. It’s just lazy.

Trying to be a decent human being in this cutthroat world just isn't worth the effort. By the time you finally realize how much it cost you, all you'll be left with is a bitter sense of resentment toward yourself...
Honestly, the smartest move is to remain completely indifferent to everyone else; at least then, you're guaranteed to avoid making mistakes.

Honestly, I’d call this more about being shady than "taking advantage." The guy who sold everything off is just being dishonest—he should have just gifted your stuff, but instead, he did what he did.
I remember once giving someone some wired earbuds from my phone, and the idiot basically flipped them for cash the very same day. Man, he wouldn't have even earned a tip from me... and then he has the nerve to act all "proud" of himself, too.

I don't think everyone who does something kind is secretly running numbers in their head, it's just that people feel pretty crappy when they do something nice and the other person doesn't even bother with a "thanks." You shouldn't expect to be "indebted" immediately, but a little gratitude goes a long way. Purely psychologically speaking, they say the person doing the favor actually feels better than the one receiving it. 😁

Just do what you feel is right, and if someone screws you over—well, that's on their conscience. Just learn a lesson from it (like, maybe hand-deliver a TV next time instead of leaving it to a middleman).

It reminds me of this one time when a buddy was really sick, and I was constantly stopping by his place to help out. I genuinely wanted to be there for him. Later on? He acts like nothing ever happened. A simple "hey, thanks" would have been plenty. So, it's not necessarily about being used, it's more about the lack of basic decency later on—just an example. It’s hard to believe people can't even say hi. 🤦

I don't feel like I was taken advantage of, per se, but it definitely stings when you act with basic decency and the other person just isn't decent at all. It hurts.

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I could go on forever about this...

Back in elementary school, I lost a whole pack of 16 markers, never got them back.

Then somewhere in 7th grade, I lent an Alan Ford comic—freshly bought that day while I was working a shift at the docks—to some older kid. He never gave it back...

A few months ago, this girl starts flirting with me out of nowhere. As soon as I told her I actually liked her, she totally ghosted me on Face...

ironrider11 said:Maybe if there was just a bit more actual effort involved—without needing to go all "selfless martyr" about it. If someone had actually reached out to the worker personally or stepped up to help move their own gear, maybe things would’ve gone the way they expected... Being "the good guy" by paying someone who claims they'll go volunteer somewhere else, only for it to turn out they never even did the job they were paid for? That says a lot about a person's character. They're probably just playing the hero to look big. What a messed up world.

I agree with this sentiment.

Why did you let that manager handle your property on your behalf?
And why didn't you just donate the items to that man directly?

Look, this whole idea of "being good" was never meant to be some kind of long-term investment strategy. It’s not like being good itself carries any weight, nor does being "bad" mean you're destined to lose out. You're just who you are—and honestly? The only real payoff should be being able to live with yourself in peace. At the end of the day, your character is just your second skin, nothing more.

As far as I'm concerned—especially looking at that first example—you weren't being "good," you were just being naive. Now you're trying to pin the blame on someone else because you couldn't be bothered to step up when someone actually needed help. You cared, sure, but let's be real: Friday night was out on the town, Saturday was spent watching FC Barcelona, and by Sunday, you were already onto the next thing... until all your excuses ran out and everything you planned just went south. That guy is responsible for selling your stuff, yeah, but he isn't responsible for the fact that you just left the whole situation to chance.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

Sent from my Huawei P30 using Reddit

There is no way. Life is a struggle, plain and simple. Even though humanity has progressed to the point where we can achieve more through wordplay and rhetoric than through brute force, at our core, we are still nothing more than animals fighting for survival. A lion that refuses to kill its prey will simply starve to death. A deer that fails to flee from a wolf will be devoured. Ultimately, it turns out we are all playing a zero-sum game; resources are finite, so it’s just a matter of who takes what from whom. Just because you refuse to step on others doesn't mean they won't stomp all over you. They will do it quite happily, too, and they'll likely walk away feeling proud and earning the respect of their peers.

Unfortunately, that is the reality. It has been proven countless times. I try to console myself with the idea that "you did this for your own sake, let happiness be your reward," but honestly, that doesn't work very well.

Ronald Price3 said:There is no way. Life is a struggle, plain and simple. Even though humanity has progressed to the point where we can achieve more through wordplay and rhetoric than through brute force, at our core, we are still nothing more than animals fighting for survival. A lion that refuses to kill its prey will simply starve to death. A deer that fails to flee from a wolf will be devoured. Ultimately, it turns out we are all playing a zero-sum game; resources are finite, so it’s just a matter of who takes what from whom. Just because you refuse to step on others doesn't mean they won't stomp all over you. They will do it quite happily, too, and they'll likely walk away feeling proud and earning the respect of their peers.

Unfortunately, that is the reality. It has been proven countless times. I try to console myself with the idea that "you did this for your own sake, let happiness be your reward," but honestly, that doesn't work very well.

👍

Author, what does being "good" even mean to you? Because "goodness" only matters if there's a fixed standard to measure it against. Maybe that standard isn't where you think it is.

This situation has escalated into a debate requiring a much higher level of philosophical inquiry, though if you ask me, it really just boils down to an exhausting attempt to please everyone and be a "good person." Take, for instance, a scenario where someone hails from a small town in the Midwest and moves up to New York City. This old acquaintance calls you up, visits the city, and because he’s unfamiliar with the urban jungle, you immediately jump into action—you pick him up at Grand Central, play tour guide while he runs his errands, and eventually, he might even buy you a coffee as a thanks. Then, out of nowhere, his son calls asking for help finding a used car; since most of the decent deals are right here in the city, you naturally agree to help out. You scout locations, snap photos, send them over... then he tells you he's coming in on Sunday because he can't take time off work, so you wait for him again, driving all over to look at vehicles that he ultimately rejects. Meanwhile, a colleague at work asks for advice on airport parking for a family trip; another coworker suggests you're the guy to ask, and you, being helpful, say "sure thing, no problem." In the middle of all this, the first guy is back at it, looking at cars in places like suburban New Jersey or maybe Connecticut. He ends up buying one in a nearby suburb, pays for it, and you end up footing the bill for lunch because he’s short on cash, all while he leaves you with the paperwork to handle the registration since it’s Sunday. You sort everything out, then have to hand the documents off to a friend who happens to be driving through the area, because frankly, you can't fathom why he wouldn't just mail them—though, of course, I realize now he probably felt too cheap to cover the $3.25 shipping costs. And there you are, too tired to complain, even though you spent more time and gas hunting down a messenger than it would have cost to just pay the postage yourself.

And that is the moment you realize that being a "good person" is often just a polite euphemism for being a doormat. At the office, everything seems fine; people are smiling and nodding. But then a third colleague mentions he’s also flying out early Sunday morning and asks if you can help, because word has gotten around that you're the reliable guy who will always drop a teammate off at JFK or LaGuardia without a second thought. But you've reached your limit. You decide you aren't doing it anymore and simply say no. Now, you can't exactly refuse the other two guys, because one of them once asked for a tiny five-minute lift that was already on your route, and he gave you some nonsense excuse about how the side street was too narrow and would waste too much fuel. Essentially, he blew you off. So, you set a boundary. And suddenly, you realize that guy is absolutely livid with you. Because you helped the first two but refused him, he feels slighted. He’ll hold it against you. Sure enough, when the group goes out for drinks, he invites those two but pointedly leaves you out. When you ask him why, he claims he’s "disappointed" in your character because you were willing to help the others but not him. The other two just sit there looking bewildered, wondering how you could be such a "jerk."

As for the guy from the small town, he still calls whenever he needs a favor, sending you on errands across the city for things he could easily order on Amazon, provided he isn't feeling particularly stingy about the $10 delivery fee. After the fortieth time you finally tell him to get lost, he gets offended because he took your servitude for granted. He assumed you’d always be there. In the end, you find yourself isolated; everyone is playing the same game, thinking, "Oh, he'll help eventually, he'll need something from us later." Even though you've spent more time helping others than you have helping yourself, you're left sitting there feeling utterly defeated, wondering what kind of twisted world we actually live in. It's exactly the kind of cynical reality I described in my previous comment.

Christian Wells3 said:Hey, hope this PDF works okay.

If not, feel free to move it.

My question is: How can I be a good person without getting walked all over? People have taken advantage of my kindness and naivety way too many times.

The last time it happened was just a few months ago.

I was living in a small rental apartment. There was this older janitor in the building (he had some special needs). He was a great guy, seriously, he always helped me out, wasn't making much money, and lived in this run-down little shack. Anyway, I suddenly had a death in the family and ended up moving into a much bigger place. Since the old place was furnished, I told my former landlord he could give my stuff (TV, fridge, bed) to the janitor.

A few days ago, I called my old landlord because a coworker needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Not only did he charge her an insane amount ( $333 for just 3 days, when I used to pay $200 plus utilities), but he actually sold all my stuff and didn't give a single thing to the janitor...

There have been plenty of other times where I've been used and ripped off.

What I want to know is, how do you carry yourself in life so things like this don't happen? I'm the type of person who would give someone the shirt off my back to help them through a hard time, but I almost always end up getting played.

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Honestly, it's pretty simple: assume people aren't good. Because, let's be real, they aren't. 😁 The Majority will take advantage of you at the first sign of opportunity. Just like they would anyone else. That's basically human nature in most cases—sure, there are exceptions.

If you want to be better than that, that's awesome and all credit to you, but you can't be naive and assume everyone is wired like you are, because they aren't. People confuse being kind with being gullible, but those two things aren't even close.

If you had assumed there was a chance your landlord might screw you over (which, let's face it, is a realistic assumption), you would have organized things so you personally made sure the janitor got your stuff right before you moved out. Were you a good person? Yeah. Did you get screwed? Bogam, you didn't. 😁

Jamie Adams6 said:Look, this whole idea of "being good" was never meant to be some kind of long-term investment strategy. It’s not like being good itself carries any weight, nor does being "bad" mean you're destined to lose out. You're just who you are—and honestly? The only real payoff should be being able to live with yourself in peace. At the end of the day, your character is just your second skin, nothing more.

As far as I'm concerned—especially looking at that first example—you weren't being "good," you were just being naive. Now you're trying to pin the blame on someone else because you couldn't be bothered to step up when someone actually needed help. You cared, sure, but let's be real: Friday night was out on the town, Saturday was spent watching FC Barcelona, and by Sunday, you were already onto the next thing... until all your excuses ran out and everything you planned just went south. That guy is responsible for selling your stuff, yeah, but he isn't responsible for the fact that you just left the whole situation to chance.

I agree. Being good sometimes requires extra effort; it's just that simple. We don't live among teddy bears; we live among wolves.

You can be a decent person to everyone without running errands for them or expecting favors in return. Honestly, it’s best to keep things friendly enough for a coffee or a round of cards, but nothing more. Just remember that there’s an old rule worth living by: business is business, and friendship is friendship. You can't mix the two—especially nowadays, when everyone is out for themselves.

Larry Diaz4 said:Honestly, I’d call this more about being shady than "taking advantage." The guy who sold everything off is just being dishonest—he should have just gifted your stuff, but instead, he did what he did.
I remember once giving someone some wired earbuds from my phone, and the idiot basically flipped them for cash the very same day. Man, he wouldn't have even earned a tip from me... and then he has the nerve to act all "proud" of himself, too.

I don't think everyone who does something kind is secretly running numbers in their head, it's just that people feel pretty crappy when they do something nice and the other person doesn't even bother with a "thanks." You shouldn't expect to be "indebted" immediately, but a little gratitude goes a long way. Purely psychologically speaking, they say the person doing the favor actually feels better than the one receiving it. 😁

Just do what you feel is right, and if someone screws you over—well, that's on their conscience. Just learn a lesson from it (like, maybe hand-deliver a TV next time instead of leaving it to a middleman).

It reminds me of this one time when a buddy was really sick, and I was constantly stopping by his place to help out. I genuinely wanted to be there for him. Later on? He acts like nothing ever happened. A simple "hey, thanks" would have been plenty. So, it's not necessarily about being used, it's more about the lack of basic decency later on—just an example. It’s hard to believe people can't even say hi. 🤦

I don't feel like I was taken advantage of, per se, but it definitely stings when you act with basic decency and the other person just isn't decent at all. It hurts.

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Well written and smart. I couldn't agree more. There’s an old saying that life is really just about deciding how you want to be blindsided—whether it's a kick in the teeth or a knife in the back. Can anyone truly act against their own nature? If you are a good person, that is simply who you are. You can't change your core. Is being good a flaw? Not at all. It only becomes a problem when you let people walk all over you without any self-respect to hold the line.
I know someone exactly like this. They struggle with such deep-seated insecurity, truly believing their only purpose in life is to serve others. This person has never once stood up for themselves. Instead, they spend their entire lives playing the martyr and helping everyone at their own expense. It’s a pattern: everyone takes advantage of them. Even people who aren't usually exploitative find themselves using her, simply because she presents herself as being perpetually available. She practically begs to be used. It is honestly painful to witness. I’ve tried to give her some blunt reality checks—I’ve spoken up more than a few times to tell her that enough is enough—but she just can't help it. She can't stop looking around to see what everyone else needs.
There’s such a thing as healthy egoism. Think of it this way: a provider has to take care of themselves before they can look after anyone else. If you want to support those relying on you, you have to prioritize your own needs and well-being first. It’s simple logic, isn't it? To truly make others happy, you have to be happy yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup—your own pockets need to be full before you can give to someone else. Of course, you have to stay mindful. There is a very thin line between healthy self-care and pure selfishness.
Keep being a good person—I truly hope you do—but please, work on losing that naivety. Go into things with an open heart, sure, but always keep one thing in mind: people won't always appreciate what you do for them. It’s a reality that many can be selfish or even opportunistic. Still, continue being kind despite it all. What do we call that? Courage.It’s much like love. You offer someone your whole heart on a silver platter, fully aware they might just crush it. Yet, you choose to believe in their goodness anyway. You expose yourself, take the hit, and embrace the risk. That is true love, isn't it? And honestly, that philosophy applies to just about everything in life.

Stay optimistic, sure—but for heaven's sake, stay sharp too. People tend to take the path of least resistance by simply switching off their brains and declaring they’ll be "good citizens," only to find themselves blindsided when things go sideways. Don't fall for it. You have to keep your guard up and stay vigilant at all times.