Please, give me my brakes back!

mistylynx said:wow😵

I guess you agreed with the idea that "thoughts control a person," and since you were dealing with some pretty dark thoughts yourself, I was just wondering. 🤷

Laura Castillo6 said:Working alongside Massachusetts General Hospital is the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, where you can walk in without an appointment or referral between 8 AM and 8 PM, or call them anytime, 24/7.

Suicidal thoughts aren't "normal," and they aren't the result of a brain functioning correctly. A person isn't in control of these thoughts; rather, the thoughts are in control of them. All the famous people who have taken their own lives did so because of addiction, depression, or other mental health struggles.

People who believe that thinking about suicide is normal really need to talk to someone who doesn't experience those thoughts. Even then, it's hard to convince someone struggling with suicidal ideation that it isn't just a natural function of a healthy psyche.

The difference between someone who has acted on suicide and someone who is living with constant suicidal thoughts is clearly the level of dysfunction in the brain's communication. Once that line is crossed— 🙂

Well, I'm still here, aren't I?
Maybe the answer lies in that part of the post I quoted.
Or maybe I just reached out for help in time.
It’s pretty standard that thoughts drive a person—I mean, what else is a person if not their thoughts? But when those thoughts become pathological, it’s hard to say where the line is, or how far they might outweigh the "normal" ones.
It isn't really black and white.
I suppose it feels a bit inappropriate to comment on someone having suicidal thoughts this way. You have to wonder why.
But then again, this is a forum, and we all hide behind nicknames, which makes it easy to talk tough.
Anyway, I’d suggest the author keeps that in mind, and I’d definitely advise reaching out to a psychiatrist or a therapist.
They can figure out if this is just venting or if it's something more serious.

Joseph Bailey41 said:I guess you agreed with the idea that "thoughts control a person," and since you were dealing with some pretty dark thoughts yourself, I was just wondering. 🤷

They really do control us. It's not just mental stuff either; they trigger physical, somatic responses too. That’s how it works with my diagnosis, at least. It's like a chain reaction, I guess.
I suppose people don't take their own lives because they *decided* to, but rather because of what they were thinking. Actions follow thoughts, right? Or maybe not always.
But then again, there's always that one final straw that breaks the camel's back.

I believe it is important to distinguish between two different states of mind:

1) Intrusive suicidal ideation characterized by a sense of total hopelessness. This is when a person feels they have lost control over their own thoughts and can't redirect them, seeing death as the only escape from darkness and suffering. This state is a red alert; if someone finds themselves here, they need to seek professional help immediately.

2) Considering suicide as a potential solution to an overwhelming life crisis. This usually follows a major failure, a deep disappointment, or a significant loss—situations where a person struggles to see a constructive way forward after intense existential reflection. This type of crisis isn't necessarily an immediate emergency; many Americans face these moments and overcome them either on their own or with support.

I am not a mental health professional, but it seems to me that the original poster is experiencing the second scenario: an existential crisis mixed with profound disappointment and the fear of trying again only to fail. It is difficult to speak in generalities because everyone is unique, but the goal is to find a new, meaningful philosophy to replace nihilism and pessimism—something that provides a new path or the strength to "give it one more shot."

If the author could provide a bit more specific detail, perhaps we could brainstorm some practical ways forward together. 🙂

mistylynx said:They really do control us. It's not just mental stuff either; they trigger physical, somatic responses too. That’s how it works with my diagnosis, at least. It's like a chain reaction, I guess.
I suppose people don't take their own lives because they *decided* to, but rather because of what they were thinking. Actions follow thoughts, right? Or maybe not always.
But then again, there's always that one final straw that breaks the camel's back.

The truth is, only a tiny fraction of our thoughts ever turn into actual behavior. We spend all day spinning various nonsense through our heads (some of which ends up being posted on forums like this), but we don't act on every random whim. Acting requires clear intention. Moving from a thought to an action involves a pretty demanding cognitive and emotional process. If everyone who ever thought, "I could just end it all" (because of a breakup or a dead car battery, for instance) actually followed through, the world would look very different.

Dealing with negative thought patterns—which are part of your diagnosis—can be approached in several ways. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for example, is built on the idea of "observing" our thoughts and then essentially "unsubscribing" from the ones that aren't useful or are even harmful. In that sense, a person really can manage their own mind, much like how meditation, psychotherapy, or even medication works (where drugs influence the content and emotional tone of thoughts via biological mechanisms).

So, I don't really buy into the whole idea that humans are slaves to their thoughts, regardless of how many fancy-sounding terms like "determinism" people use to dress it up. Sure, we were handed certain genes, and we had specific childhood circumstances that shaped our emotional responses, and we've been influenced by the media and society around us. But none of those things—not even all of them combined—have to dictate who we are as individuals, let alone map out our entire life path in advance.

Unlike animals, humans possess self-awareness. We are conscious of ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions, and our reactions. Because of that, we can accept them or change them. We can do this on our own or with help. We have the capacity to act, but we first have to recognize what we're capable of. We need to realize we aren't just pre-programmed automatons; we are active, creative beings. Even when we can't change the objective reality of a situation, we can change how we react to it. That's what people colloquially call "free will," though it's more accurately described as "freedom of choice."

In your case—when you hit that state of total despair—you could have waited and hoped it would pass, you could have attempted suicide, or you could seek help. You made the conscious, rational decision to go for the latter, and I truly wish you nothing but the best on your road to recovery.

mistybison said:I believe it is important to distinguish between two different states of mind:

1) Intrusive suicidal ideation characterized by a sense of total hopelessness. This is when a person feels they have lost control over their own thoughts and can't redirect them, seeing death as the only escape from darkness and suffering. This state is a red alert; if someone finds themselves here, they need to seek professional help immediately.

2) Considering suicide as a potential solution to an overwhelming life crisis. This usually follows a major failure, a deep disappointment, or a significant loss—situations where a person struggles to see a constructive way forward after intense existential reflection. This type of crisis isn't necessarily an immediate emergency; many Americans face these moments and overcome them either on their own or with support.

I am not a mental health professional, but it seems to me that the original poster is experiencing the second scenario: an existential crisis mixed with profound disappointment and the fear of trying again only to fail. It is difficult to speak in generalities because everyone is unique, but the goal is to find a new, meaningful philosophy to replace nihilism and pessimism—something that provides a new path or the strength to "give it one more shot."

If the author could provide a bit more specific detail, perhaps we could brainstorm some practical ways forward together. 🙂

I feel it too. Or rather, it's that the trauma hasn't fully healed—there's this lingering fear that history might repeat itself, but this time with fatal consequences, making it feel "safer" not to try anything at all. A sort of learned helplessness, I suppose.

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

Alright, let's unpack this.

It’s kind of like asking what’s further north than the North Pole. It doesn't work. Talking about death as "what it's like" implies there's some kind of experience happening, but death is the ultimate experiential blank. You’re trying to wrap your head around "being" something while simultaneously stripping away the one thing that allows you to "be"—consciousness. It’s a logical loop that leads absolutely nowhere. It's nonsense on basically every level.

The funny thing is you're doing this right before hitting the sack. It's ironic. You won't get anywhere by trying to conceptualize the unconceptualizable. If you actually want to get close to an answer, you have to stop the mental gymnastics. You only get near that void when you finally shut your brain off—somewhere deep in that third or fourth stage of NREM sleep when consciousness is at its absolute lowest point.

What is it like to be in that state? Nothing. That’s the whole damn point of unconsciousness. There is no "experience" to report back on.

So, you're curious about death and the sensation of being dead? Stop approaching it this way. You're just spinning your wheels and wasting your time.

mistybison said:I believe it is important to distinguish between two different states of mind:

1) Intrusive suicidal ideation characterized by a sense of total hopelessness. This is when a person feels they have lost control over their own thoughts and can't redirect them, seeing death as the only escape from darkness and suffering. This state is a red alert; if someone finds themselves here, they need to seek professional help immediately.

2) Considering suicide as a potential solution to an overwhelming life crisis. This usually follows a major failure, a deep disappointment, or a significant loss—situations where a person struggles to see a constructive way forward after intense existential reflection. This type of crisis isn't necessarily an immediate emergency; many Americans face these moments and overcome them either on their own or with support.

I am not a mental health professional, but it seems to me that the original poster is experiencing the second scenario: an existential crisis mixed with profound disappointment and the fear of trying again only to fail. It is difficult to speak in generalities because everyone is unique, but the goal is to find a new, meaningful philosophy to replace nihilism and pessimism—something that provides a new path or the strength to "give it one more shot."

If the author could provide a bit more specific detail, perhaps we could brainstorm some practical ways forward together. 🙂

That might be why psychological testing exists in the first place. It’s probably better to talk to a pro instead of venting everything on a forum.

The issue with pretty much any illness is getting diagnosed too late.

I find myself agreeing with Laura Castillo6 once again. Maybe we’ve all just been talking in circles a bit too much lately. These endless debates don't really seem to be getting us anywhere, I guess. Honestly, if someone is worried about a pathology, they should probably just head over to a specialist and get a straight answer.

I guess I only really realized how long this had been simmering—how many times I’d actually cycled through similar phases before—once things finally hit a breaking point and became totally unbearable. This time, though, I just snapped. Maybe if I’d known how to actually read the warning signs earlier, I might have reacted sooner.
It doesn't always have to be an emergency, but I truly believe we should all be looking after our mental health just as much as our physical health, if not more so.

mistylynx said:I find myself agreeing with Laura Castillo6 once again. Maybe we’ve all just been talking in circles a bit too much lately. These endless debates don't really seem to be getting us anywhere, I guess. Honestly, if someone is worried about a pathology, they should probably just head over to a specialist and get a straight answer.

If I recall correctly, he ended up leaving, and the specialist just thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Joseph Bailey41 said:If I recall correctly, he ended up leaving, and the specialist just thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Man, our healthcare system is a mess. 🙏

Because of my line of work, I spent a massive amount of time running through countless psychological evaluations back before things started getting difficult for me.

I remember back in the day, if you were taking an exam for the military and circled the wrong letter on a personality test, they’d pull you in for an immediate interview right then and there.

Nowadays, it feels like some doctors—not all of them, obviously—treat mental illness like it's some kind of joke. 🤦

Joseph Bailey41 said:If I recall correctly, he ended up leaving, and the specialist just thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Well, if he thinks there's an issue, I guess he can go find someone else to bother.

mistylynx said:Well, if he thinks there's an issue, I guess he can go find someone else to bother.

Unfortunately, that also falls under the "retry and potential failure" category. It's a tricky situation. I think I have a hunch about what the core issue might be, but I might just be overthinking it based on very little information, so it would be great if they could elaborate a bit more. It wouldn't hurt at all.

It’s not like he was actually there on the 10th.

I just spent some time catching up on your other threads.
Regarding health: either you commit to getting better or you just let yourself wither away. It’s a brutal reality, but you have to take action. If you don't actually want to improve, then honestly, forget it—you don't deserve anything better. You can't act like someone who isn't in control of their own life; you need to be able to step back and look at things objectively. Maybe it's okay for someone to just tell you that straight up.
We all have our own battles to fight, and I won't even mention how many people here are dealing with much heavier issues while putting in an incredible amount of effort.

I’m reading everything you all write and soaking it all in, so thank you for trying to help!

Regarding psychiatrists, I tried seeking help back in the States and just had terrible experiences... lots of guilt. During psychotherapy, when I mentioned suicidal thoughts and how much I struggle to value life, the woman asked me what I expected from her sessions, which felt incredibly rude. She even implied that others come to her to actually get better, whereas I was just bothering her with my "nonsense." Not exactly those words, but that was the point. I felt like total garbage, like someone who didn't deserve any help at all.
Of course I want help, it's just that how the body acts is one thing, and how the mind wants it to act is another...
I think one of my subconscious fears is that nobody will actually know how to help me, and everyone will eventually just give up on me.

With another psychologist, it was just as awful. I didn't open up about suicide at first, but once I did, it was a disaster. She told me a person is either suicidal or they aren't, and told me to just decide, essentially pushing the idea that if I am, she'd just have me committed for observation. I wasn't in that state that day, but afterward, there was just more guilt-tripping—being told I was bothering people for no reason, that I couldn't act like this, that I had to be either constantly suicidal or perfectly fine, otherwise it would just be seen as drama.
Ever since then, I haven't told anyone anything about my suicidal thoughts or my reflections on them.
The only place is here on this forum, which is why I wrote on the front page that I can't handle hateful comments accusing me of just seeking attention... because those bring back those bad memories with doctors, and that feeling that I don't even have the right to ask for help regarding this.

Now I'm living in a different part of the country and I see a counselor a few times a month, but because of other issues, I don't dare mention the dark stuff. I'm afraid that if things escalate, I won't be able to talk to her the same way and she might become more aggressive toward me. So, I guess something is better than nothing, since she helps with some things.

Anyway, I've rambled quite a bit...

Joseph Bailey41 said:Unfortunately, that also falls under the "retry and potential failure" category. It's a tricky situation. I think I have a hunch about what the core issue might be, but I might just be overthinking it based on very little information, so it would be great if they could elaborate a bit more. It wouldn't hurt at all.

I'm not sure what you mean. I'm terrified to try because when I fail, I go from feeling like life isn't worth living to feeling like I shouldn't exist at all, just because I feel so incompetent for this world. And maybe there's a tiny bit of comfort in never trying or never going somewhere, because then you get to hold onto that hope that things will be better once you finally find the courage to move... As long as you don't try, that hope stays alive...

Alexander Williams512 said:I just spent some time catching up on your other threads.
Regarding health: either you commit to getting better or you just let yourself wither away. It’s a brutal reality, but you have to take action. If you don't actually want to improve, then honestly, forget it—you don't deserve anything better. You can't act like someone who isn't in control of their own life; you need to be able to step back and look at things objectively. Maybe it's okay for someone to just tell you that straight up.
We all have our own battles to fight, and I won't even mention how many people here are dealing with much heavier issues while putting in an incredible amount of effort.

I made it very clear that I am NOT interested in your responses, so just leave this thread alone. I don't know why you're obsessing over me or stalking my posts like some kind of psycho... Don't harass me, don't reply to this, just act like a normal person and leave me in peace...

If you call yourself an artist, you’d better be a champion for free speech too.

Emily Rivera45 said:I'm not sure what you mean. I'm terrified to try because when I fail, I go from feeling like life isn't worth living to feeling like I shouldn't exist at all, just because I feel so incompetent for this world. And maybe there's a tiny bit of comfort in never trying or never going somewhere, because then you get to hold onto that hope that things will be better once you finally find the courage to move... As long as you don't try, that hope stays alive...

I made it very clear that I am NOT interested in your responses, so just leave this thread alone. I don't know why you're obsessing over me or stalking my posts like some kind of psycho... Don't harass me, don't reply to this, just act like a normal person and leave me in peace...

So, who's this? Some self-diagnosed patient and an even more delusional artist. You’re still living in your little soap bubble, I suppose. Don't worry; maybe someone on this forum will give you the time of day, but in the real world, you'll just keep being ignored. Enjoy yourself.👍