Please, give me my brakes back!

What actually matters in the real world?

I mean, you should probably just tell that therapist, or whoever it is you're talking to about those past experiences, that it really bothered you. Maybe let them know you aren't looking for a pity party or extra attention, but rather some actual tools on how to handle those kinds of thoughts.

Emily Rivera45... you've been posting a lot lately after those first few entries, but you still haven't actually laid out—or even hinted at—just how SERIOUS this situation is. You know, the one where you tried, or almost succeeded, at... well, taking your own life? A couple of times now. It seems pretty pointless to go to therapy sessions several times a week while staying all secretive or, let's be honest, just lying about it. It’s like you aren't in any rush to actually deal with the REAL problem, no matter how much more critical things get every single day...

Emily Rivera45 said:I'm not sure what you mean. I'm terrified to try because when I fail, I go from feeling like life isn't worth living to feeling like I shouldn't exist at all, just because I feel so incompetent for this world. And maybe there's a tiny bit of comfort in never trying or never going somewhere, because then you get to hold onto that hope that things will be better once you finally find the courage to move... As long as you don't try, that hope stays alive...

I made it very clear that I am NOT interested in your responses, so just leave this thread alone. I don't know why you're obsessing over me or stalking my posts like some kind of psycho... Don't harass me, don't reply to this, just act like a normal person and leave me in peace...

And that right there is your short circuit. Have you ever heard of WD-40?

mistylynx said:I mean, you should probably just tell that therapist, or whoever it is you're talking to about those past experiences, that it really bothered you. Maybe let them know you aren't looking for a pity party or extra attention, but rather some actual tools on how to handle those kinds of thoughts.

I'm worried that if I say that, everything will just go back to how it was. Since she's a licensed professional, she might be legally responsible if I were to hurt myself. I'm scared she might suggest hospitalization or refer me to someone else... since she's a psychotherapist, maybe I need a psychiatrist instead. She's actually helped me quite a bit, and I don't want to risk losing her support...

ironrider11 said:Emily Rivera45... you've been posting a lot lately after those first few entries, but you still haven't actually laid out—or even hinted at—just how SERIOUS this situation is. You know, the one where you tried, or almost succeeded, at... well, taking your own life? A couple of times now. It seems pretty pointless to go to therapy sessions several times a week while staying all secretive or, let's be honest, just lying about it. It’s like you aren't in any rush to actually deal with the REAL problem, no matter how much more critical things get every single day...

For me, just showing up to talk to someone is a huge step. So no, it isn't pointless... it's just one more way I'm trying to pull myself through this...

Joseph Bailey41 said:And that right there is your short circuit. Have you ever heard of WD-40?

Could you explain? I'm not sure what you mean...

Emily Rivera45 said:I'm worried that if I say that, everything will just go back to how it was. Since she's a licensed professional, she might be legally responsible if I were to hurt myself. I'm scared she might suggest hospitalization or refer me to someone else... since she's a psychotherapist, maybe I need a psychiatrist instead. She's actually helped me quite a bit, and I don't want to risk losing her support...

For me, just showing up to talk to someone is a huge step. So no, it isn't pointless... it's just one more way I'm trying to pull myself through this...

Could you explain? I'm not sure what you mean...

Do you actually know the reason behind that name?

I honestly have no clue why... 🙂

Emily Rivera45 said:I honestly have no clue why... 🙂

It actually took about 40 different attempts before we finally landed on the perfect formula. 😉

40 is just a relative number of days spent {those famous renunciations}

Carl Rivera43 said:40 is just a relative number of days spent {those famous renunciations}

Where on earth do you find lines like that, haha...

Emily Rivera45 said:Where on earth do you find lines like that, haha...

It makes sense... if you can embrace letting things go—even if you end up paying the price with extra doses of solitude—you might actually find a sense of self-respect and even start liking your own company. {Plus, isn't it just great practice for dealing with the people who actually matter to you?}

Logic seems to have won out after all, I suppose.

Sent from my iPhone using Twitter

iPhone using Twitter Dignity is even stronger

iPhone using Twitter Dignity is essentially the embodiment of logic

Sent from my iPhone using Twitter

Emily Rivera45 said:and everything just clicked after that 😁

You're right, it’s not the end of the world if things don't work out on the first try. Honestly, nothing is truly over as long as you're still giving it a shot. It's just that whenever I hit a wall, I tend to completely lose my footing and spiral into the worst-case scenarios. If only I could learn to forget those thoughts sooner....

If even your worst-case scenarios are acceptable to you, then there really is no "worst" case. You can't stay focused on anything else when you feel like that... sure, you might feel terrible, but you have to remember it's just a temporary funk meant to give you a moment to pause and figure out your next move.

Deep down, you know that all along. That's why you let those dark thoughts creep in—you let the panic take over and lost sight of what you were actually trying to achieve with this whole experiment. 😁

Laura Jones56 said:iPhone using Twitter Dignity is essentially the embodiment of logic

Sent from my iPhone using Twitter

Dignity is the whole point of living, isn't it? {And honestly, if anyone gets annoyed by that, then you should just double down on your dignity just to spite them.}

Emily Rivera45 said:I'm worried that if I say that, everything will just go back to how it was. Since she's a licensed professional, she might be legally responsible if I were to hurt myself. I'm scared she might suggest hospitalization or refer me to someone else... since she's a psychotherapist, maybe I need a psychiatrist instead. She's actually helped me quite a bit, and I don't want to risk losing her support...

For me, just showing up to talk to someone is a huge step. So no, it isn't pointless... it's just one more way I'm trying to pull myself through this...

Could you explain? I'm not sure what you mean...

It doesn't quite work that way, I think.
A psychiatrist would evaluate your situation, and they might prescribe some antidepressants. That could maybe give you the little nudge you need to get through this while you work through things in therapy.

I was terrified of being hospitalized too, but I ended up walking into the psychiatrist's office in total tears, completely shaken and overwhelmed. I honestly thought they might just force a sedative on me right then and there. And yet, here I am.
They usually make a big deal out of everything.

But ultimately, you're the one who knows how much these thoughts are weighing on you and whether seeing a psychiatrist is truly necessary.
Personally, I wouldn't be afraid.
Maybe you could just mention that you've lost your sense of purpose in life; you don't necessarily have to bring up suicidal ideation.
She probably won't be happy that you're withholding things, but at least she'll get a hint. You decide how much you want to share.

Honestly, it’s probably better to just de-escalate things here... those suicidal thoughts might just be coming from how things feel right this second, you know?

Joseph Bailey41 said:If even your worst-case scenarios are acceptable to you, then there really is no "worst" case. You can't stay focused on anything else when you feel like that... sure, you might feel terrible, but you have to remember it's just a temporary funk meant to give you a moment to pause and figure out your next move.

Deep down, you know that all along. That's why you let those dark thoughts creep in—you let the panic take over and lost sight of what you were actually trying to achieve with this whole experiment. 😁

+1

Experimenting can get so damn fun that later, when your "lucid mind" hits during some hysterical high, you're left screaming in the dark because you realize you're trapped in your own head. You won't even be able to grasp—or maybe question—the idea that the Gordian knot doesn't actually need untying or cutting. It isn't even there. Is the fun gonna kill you, artist? The whole point of an experiment is to learn something. And wouldn't realizing self-annihilation be the ultimate confirmation of the theory?

So, what does life actually mean? I mean, seriously. What happens if someone's heart just can't beat naturally under these kinds of conditions?