How not to screw up your kids: Parenting tips & tricks

wirednomad42 said:Sometimes you just have to pick the lesser of two evils. 🤷
Look, a teenager probably hasn't a clue what they want before heading off to college—so parents just push them into *anything* just to get them enrolled and out of high school. Let's be real here—how many people actually take a gap year and then come back to actually finish a degree?
To me, it feels better to force a direction than to just throw up your hands and give up entirely 🤷
I mean, if they enroll in something, they can always switch majors later—or decide to become a garbage man—but at least the kid got a shot. They were encouraged. Someone cared.
Or am I totally off base? 😁

It is entirely possible that some parents act this way precisely because their children aren't mature enough yet to know their own minds. It’s plausible. It’s also possible that the child will eventually grow to love whatever path they were pushed onto. Of course.

But this idea of "encouragement" and "caring"—hmmm. From what I’ve observed, most people who prematurely "encourage" and "oversee the education" of their children starting from preschool, end up writing their kids' term papers and pulling strings just to PAY for their tuition. Personally, I have zero desire to go back to school or write another assignment, thank you very much.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Those aren't really the same thing. The kid could still end up being an architect even if he learns violin. We'll just have to wait and see if she tries to force him into whatever mold she's already built for him.

That first story happens way too often, and honestly, it's pretty messed up. I don't get why parents would be so intentional about making their kids miserable. When I talk to people who dropped out during their senior year of college, that's usually the underlying issue: parents forcing a path they didn't want. You end up meeting forty-somethings who are still fighting their parents instead of having dealt with it back in high school.😢

Maybe, maybe not, but that’s usually how it starts. Did the kid even ask for the violin in the first place?

If he did, he probably asked because it makes his mom happy. Kids can spend their entire lives doing things to please their parents and never actually figure out what brings them joy.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Look: I don't know anyone who complains about their parents. But honestly, thank God neither my folks, nor any of my friends' parents, were crazy enough to try and dictate our college majors. I actually asked my parents once why they never pushed me toward anything specific. Their answer? It's too big of a life decision, and they didn't want me blaming them if things went south.

Yet, I know several people whose parents basically forced them into degrees they hated. And none of those people ever actually graduated.

And why on earth would someone shrug at architecture? It's a prestigious, high-impact field. It's definitely the most useful path if it's the one you chose yourself, because you actually have an interest in it. Especially nowadays, with how fast jobs change, you really need to study something you care about. You have to keep the joy of learning alive, since you'll probably be learning new things until you retire.

Architecture was just an example.😉
My parents did suggest a major for me (I wouldn't call them crazy, by the way), but they backed off immediately once I rolled my eyes at the idea of med school.😁
Edit: Oh, right, it just came back to me. They basically said, "Fine, if that's what you want, go for it. Just don't expect us to pay for your apartment in New York if you can't stay on top of your credits."

wirednomad42, you didn't just launch a project here, you gave birth to a whole living thing.
I mean, looking at this entire thread, everyone seems way too obsessed with "stuff" and material things.
Look, I get it—money matters, getting that degree, climbing the corporate ladder...
But if you hyper-focus on all that from day one, you might just end up creating some depressed little careerist who lives for the grind.

Forget about the Ivy League degrees and the real estate portfolios for a second; right now, she just needs affection and a mom who’s actually present.
And you can't be "parenting" every single second of the day, you know? A kid isn't some tiny little robot we can just program and fine-tune to perfection.
They need to actually be kids, period. We were all kids once, our parents made plenty of mistakes along the way, and somehow we all turned out mostly alright.

electricdriver93 said:Architecture was just an example.😉
My parents did suggest a major for me (I wouldn't call them crazy, by the way), but they backed off immediately once I rolled my eyes at the idea of med school.😁
Edit: Oh, right, it just came back to me. They basically said, "Fine, if that's what you want, go for it. Just don't expect us to pay for your apartment in New York if you can't stay on top of your credits."

There’s a massive distinction between being given a suggestion and being pressured. Or even worse, being put in a position where you aren't even allowed to ask questions—where it's just assumed you'll fall in line and study whatever they've decided for you, whether that's med school or law.

It’s fine for a parent to help a kid grasp the actual consequences of their choices. They should probably figure out what they’ll actually study at that university they're so obsessed with, what they can even do with that degree, and what the job market looks like—including specific roles and the kind of income they might expect to see. I guess it's just common sense.

So, once I finally picked my major, my mom tried to talk me into a different track within the same college—something she claimed would offer better job prospects. I shut that down immediately. I mean, I refused her, obviously. Even though, I guess, her suggestion wasn't actually a bad one.

wirednomad42 said:Sometimes you just have to pick the lesser of two evils. 🤷
Look, a teenager probably hasn't a clue what they want before heading off to college—so parents just push them into *anything* just to get them enrolled and out of high school. Let's be real here—how many people actually take a gap year and then come back to actually finish a degree?
To me, it feels better to force a direction than to just throw up your hands and give up entirely 🤷
I mean, if they enroll in something, they can always switch majors later—or decide to become a garbage man—but at least the kid got a shot. They were encouraged. Someone cared.
Or am I totally off base? 😁

I agree with this. You push them to enroll in anything, and when they finally grow up, they can change their major. If after two years they're still whining about wanting this or that, fine—let them finish something first, then they can choose. There are plenty of kids who have zero direction anyway. Just get them into a program that won't be an impossible struggle given what they already know, and that's five.

For instance, I was told I had to go the prep school route because, in my eyes, those vocational high schools were just breeding grounds for losers and addicts. Now, I’ve been stuck in college forever because I can't land a decent job without a degree—I'm basically just a high school diploma holder with nothing to show for it. 😬

And honestly, I don't get what people are complaining about above. I really don't see the issue with taking a gap year after high school. 🤷

Jerry Martinez5 said:There’s a massive distinction between being given a suggestion and being pressured. Or even worse, being put in a position where you aren't even allowed to ask questions—where it's just assumed you'll fall in line and study whatever they've decided for you, whether that's med school or law.

It’s fine for a parent to help a kid grasp the actual consequences of their choices. They should probably figure out what they’ll actually study at that university they're so obsessed with, what they can even do with that degree, and what the job market looks like—including specific roles and the kind of income they might expect to see. I guess it's just common sense.

So, once I finally picked my major, my mom tried to talk me into a different track within the same college—something she claimed would offer better job prospects. I shut that down immediately. I mean, I refused her, obviously. Even though, I guess, her suggestion wasn't actually a bad one.

Those are his parents—the father is essentially that guy from Dead Poets Society.
Those are merely outliers. I haven't heard a single person from my circle mention anything of the sort.

Jessica Chavez4 said:For instance, I was told I had to go the prep school route because, in my eyes, those vocational high schools were just breeding grounds for losers and addicts. Now, I’ve been stuck in college forever because I can't land a decent job without a degree—I'm basically just a high school diploma holder with nothing to show for it. 😬

And honestly, I don't get what people are complaining about above. I really don't see the issue with taking a gap year after high school. 🤷

Imagine if it were only three years, though.😲

🤣🤣

Yeah, my barber is an absolute washout. He makes more money in a month than I’ll ever see in my entire life.😵

Look, I'm generally against privatizing education, but there is one single reason why I might actually consider tuition fees. Most older folks insist that you have to jump straight into college right after high school just because "that's the way it's done" and you get health insurance out of the deal. But sometimes, it would be incredibly smart to just take a breather. Let someone work a bit, read some books, and actually figure out what they want to do—especially if they need to take some prep courses to catch up before applying to a specific program. I don't see the issue there. It isn't a "gap year." What's the harm in losing one year versus wasting your whole life stuck in a career you picked blindly because you rushed into a degree you weren't ready for?🤷

Jerry Martinez5 said:What do you mean by "obligated"? (helping them reach their peak potential) I guess you're only as obligated as you are aware of what they can actually do and how much opportunity you can provide. I don't really think every parent is "obligated" to make that happen. Honestly, that kind of support is mostly reserved for wealthy, well-educated parents; once they hit their limit, they just pay for private tutors or extra coaching.

Or are you assuming the kid's talent will stay within the limits of your own abilities? 😁

A kid isn't a carbon copy of you. They’ll probably outpace you at some point, maybe even before they finish elementary school. Once that happens, you won't be able to help them "reach their potential" anymore. And if you're living in some small rural town while the kid has massive ambitions... well, things get complicated.

I mean—am I obligated to give everything I have just so she can have it all—her own room, an education if she wants it, food on the table as long as she's killing it in school, healthy meals every single day...
Am I obligated to be "on" for her 24/7, or can I actually take a breather and read a book when I feel like it—even if she’s currently demanding I play with her? 😁
Here’s the reality: she’s two. She’s at daycare all day while I’m working. It's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing or coasting through some easy government job—I'm out there grinding. 😁
We get maybe two hours together a day, tops. In those two hours, she expects me to play, bathe her, dress her, make dinner... and she's exhausted. So am I. But then she starts screaming because things aren't going her way, and honestly, that drains me even more. I find myself counting down the minutes until she finally goes to sleep just so I can have some peace.
So I'm wondering—is it okay to live like this? It's not her fault I'm pulling ten-hour shifts and feeling wiped out. Part of me thinks I should've managed my time and money better so I could work less and actually have some patience left over for her. 😢
But how? If I quit my job to stay home, sure, I might be in a better mood, but then what? How do we pay the bills? 😁
I just feel guilty—like I failed at organizing my life properly. 🤷

Basically—am I allowed to have a life that doesn't revolve entirely around her? Am I allowed to demand some "me time" and occasionally act a little irresponsible or immature? 😁

Richard Morris43 said:wirednomad42, you didn't just launch a project here, you gave birth to a whole living thing.
I mean, looking at this entire thread, everyone seems way too obsessed with "stuff" and material things.
Look, I get it—money matters, getting that degree, climbing the corporate ladder...
But if you hyper-focus on all that from day one, you might just end up creating some depressed little careerist who lives for the grind.

Forget about the Ivy League degrees and the real estate portfolios for a second; right now, she just needs affection and a mom who’s actually present.
And you can't be "parenting" every single second of the day, you know? A kid isn't some tiny little robot we can just program and fine-tune to perfection.
They need to actually be kids, period. We were all kids once, our parents made plenty of mistakes along the way, and somehow we all turned out mostly alright.

Mostly fine, yeah. But can you do it without making mistakes? Why not?

Look, you don't necessarily have to quit your job, but you could always jump over to a government agency. 😬

Just kidding. But honestly, you tend to swing from one extreme to the other, don't you think? 🤷

wirednomad42 said:I mean—am I obligated to give everything I have just so she can have it all—her own room, an education if she wants it, food on the table as long as she's killing it in school, healthy meals every single day...
Am I obligated to be "on" for her 24/7, or can I actually take a breather and read a book when I feel like it—even if she’s currently demanding I play with her? 😁
Here’s the reality: she’s two. She’s at daycare all day while I’m working. It's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing or coasting through some easy government job—I'm out there grinding. 😁
We get maybe two hours together a day, tops. In those two hours, she expects me to play, bathe her, dress her, make dinner... and she's exhausted. So am I. But then she starts screaming because things aren't going her way, and honestly, that drains me even more. I find myself counting down the minutes until she finally goes to sleep just so I can have some peace.
So I'm wondering—is it okay to live like this? It's not her fault I'm pulling ten-hour shifts and feeling wiped out. Part of me thinks I should've managed my time and money better so I could work less and actually have some patience left over for her. 😢
But how? If I quit my job to stay home, sure, I might be in a better mood, but then what? How do we pay the bills? 😁
I just feel guilty—like I failed at organizing my life properly. 🤷

Basically—am I allowed to have a life that doesn't revolve entirely around her? Am I allowed to demand some "me time" and occasionally act a little irresponsible or immature? 😁

Mostly fine, yeah. But can you do it without making mistakes? Why not?

You aren't. Your obligations are simple:
- Make sure the kid has a roof over their head and stays warm and dry.
- Provide enough food and clean clothes.
- Ensure they go to school regularly.

That's the job. If you can't manage that, put the child in foster care.

As for everything else... maybe accept that nobody has ever raised a perfectly happy child who grows up without any trauma. Little kids have a hundred times more energy than adults. Even if someone else cooks and cleans for you, you still won't be able to play with them as much as they want because you'll be absolutely exhausted.

There is no recipe. Sometimes you'll play with the kid even when your head is spinning, and sometimes you'll go read a book. A mother who sacrifices every single one of her needs for her child ends up frustrated and miserable, which means the child won't be happy either. Instead, she'll just end up raising a little tyrant. 🤷

Jessica Chavez4 said:Look, you don't necessarily have to quit your job, but you could always jump over to a government agency. 😬

Just kidding. But honestly, you tend to swing from one extreme to the other, don't you think? 🤷

My whole life. Everything. Always.

btw—Jerry Martinez5 started a thread where people talk about how they've either left their parents behind or are planning to—just cutting ties because things are so rough. And those parents... I bet they actually think they're doing what's best, that they love their kids and provide everything. Honestly, I just don't get where or why that massive disconnect happens 😕 —that was the point of the thread, not a lecture about me and my car. I really don't care to talk about myself or my ride, actually 😢

wirednomad42 said:My whole life. Everything. Always.

btw—Jerry Martinez5 started a thread where people talk about how they've either left their parents behind or are planning to—just cutting ties because things are so rough. And those parents... I bet they actually think they're doing what's best, that they love their kids and provide everything. Honestly, I just don't get where or why that massive disconnect happens 😕 —that was the point of the thread, not a lecture about me and my car. I really don't care to talk about myself or my ride, actually 😢

Maybe dial it back just a notch.

Jessica Chavez4 said:Maybe dial it back just a notch.

How, though? 😕

wirednomad42 said:My whole life. Everything. Always.

btw—Jerry Martinez5 started a thread where people talk about how they've either left their parents behind or are planning to—just cutting ties because things are so rough. And those parents... I bet they actually think they're doing what's best, that they love their kids and provide everything. Honestly, I just don't get where or why that massive disconnect happens 😕 —that was the point of the thread, not a lecture about me and my car. I really don't care to talk about myself or my ride, actually 😢

The misunderstanding comes from parents wanting what they *think* is best for the child. For them, not necessarily for the kid alone.

For example, parents might work themselves to death to "provide everything," while the kid ends up miserable because there's zero time spent together.

I suppose the core issue is that nobody views the child as an individual with their own unique desires and feelings. They assume a young child knows nothing and that they hold all the answers. So, they suffocate them from day one, convinced it's actually love. They don't ask questions; they don't listen. Maybe a dad suffered because his own father never took him to MLB games, so now he drags his son along even though the kid couldn't care less about baseball. And the dad feels proud of being a "good father" simply because, unlike his old man, he isn't out causing trouble. 🤷

Secondly, parents act based on their own limited experiences—what they saw in their own families or from their friends. Basically, their perspective is pretty narrow. Even when they mean well, they're stuck.

In short, there's no magic formula. I guess the best way to raise a happy, confident kid is to just be that kind of person yourself.

Jerry Martinez5 said:The misunderstanding comes from parents wanting what they *think* is best for the child. For them, not necessarily for the kid alone.

For example, parents might work themselves to death to "provide everything," while the kid ends up miserable because there's zero time spent together.

I suppose the core issue is that nobody views the child as an individual with their own unique desires and feelings. They assume a young child knows nothing and that they hold all the answers. So, they suffocate them from day one, convinced it's actually love. They don't ask questions; they don't listen. Maybe a dad suffered because his own father never took him to MLB games, so now he drags his son along even though the kid couldn't care less about baseball. And the dad feels proud of being a "good father" simply because, unlike his old man, he isn't out causing trouble. 🤷

Secondly, parents act based on their own limited experiences—what they saw in their own families or from their friends. Basically, their perspective is pretty narrow. Even when they mean well, they're stuck.

In short, there's no magic formula. I guess the best way to raise a happy, confident kid is to just be that kind of person yourself.

cool 😁
guess I'm starting my transformation right now! 👍
anyway... where do I even start? 🤔

...my parents were always swamped with work....
...Physical discipline was just part of the deal back then, used by both teachers and parents alike.....
...and they had this way of talking to me whenever I’d say I was going to do something..."Oh, you think you can actually pull that off?"....Man, that used to get under my skin so much.
...but still......I always knew deep down that my folks loved me...and that they accepted me for exactly who I am.....they almost looked at me with a bit of awe...not because I was some kind of prodigy, but simply because I was their kid...a little stubborn, a restless adventurer, a total firebrand.......
...and honestly.....knowing that they loved me (even if they never actually said the words out loud) was what gave me the strength to push through when things got rough.....even during those times when they didn't really get me at all.
...The fact that I could pick a fight with them and they’d stay perfectly calm, just giving me a gentle warning that I was crossing the line...that gave me the courage to stand up against everything I felt was wrong.....without being terrified of authority figures.

....At the end of the day, it's the big picture that matters—the overall vibe we get from our parents and family—rather than any single specific thing they do. We're all human, and we all mess up sometimes.
...The one thing they won't forgive you for is if you don't love them.....or if you aren't there for them when life gets heavy.
....And obviously, abuse doesn't count as a "mistake." That's straight-up criminal behavior.

Look, you sound like an exhausted mom, and dwelling on these parenting theories is honestly just draining your battery even more.
Try being a bit more spontaneous and focus on self-care; just strip your responsibilities down to the bare essentials. If you’re wiped out, don't bother making some elaborate dinner—just grab something quick or order takeout.
Your kid picks up on your energy, and they’ll definitely be happier if you're relaxed, even if the house isn't spotless.
Life with your little one can only truly be joyful if you actually enjoy watching them grow up.
There really isn't a magic formula for being a good parent; honestly, I sometimes wish my own parents had been stricter or more involved in my big life decisions, but they weren't. It’s easy to blame our upbringing for our own shortcomings, isn't it?
My daughter insists I'm the best mom in the world, and while I know that's not true, I'm happy to let her believe it. I've simply loved her from the second she was born, and she always knew I loved her—whether I was angry, sad, when we were grabbing burgers instead of a fancy meal, or even when I skipped a PTA meeting because I'd rather go to a concert. I don't strive for perfection, and I don't expect it from her either, even though I think she's the most wonderful child on the planet.