Dealing with jealousy

He isn’t actually going out of his way to hurt you, let’s be real about that.
The guy is just doing what he does because that is simply who he is and it's what he feels like doing.
In the same vein, you really ought to be focusing on your own business and doing whatever you feel like doing, rather than constantly subordinating your entire workflow to whether or not it aligns with him or if it’s going to annoy him somehow.
🙂
If you actually sit back and look at what you wrote, it's pretty clear: you're doing something that irritates you, and then you get mad at him, not because he’s reacting to what you’re doing, but because you can't handle the fact that he isn't getting annoyed by it too.
😁
yee-haw

hollowtrucker77 said:He isn’t actually going out of his way to hurt you, let’s be real about that.
The guy is just doing what he does because that is simply who he is and it's what he feels like doing.
In the same vein, you really ought to be focusing on your own business and doing whatever you feel like doing, rather than constantly subordinating your entire workflow to whether or not it aligns with him or if it’s going to annoy him somehow.
🙂
If you actually sit back and look at what you wrote, it's pretty clear: you're doing something that irritates you, and then you get mad at him, not because he’s reacting to what you’re doing, but because you can't handle the fact that he isn't getting annoyed by it too.
😁
yee-haw

Okay, fine. I guess I'm just wired differently. Maybe I really should find someone more my speed, someone who doesn't feel the need to act that way just because it's in their DNA... because, I mean, how does it make sense that I'm constantly jealous over things while he doesn't care at all? I'm just not that type of person; I don't sweat those little things, I don't need to. And even if I did, he wouldn't stop his behavior even if I jumped off a bridge, mostly because he doesn't even realize he's doing anything wrong (so, yeah, you're basically on your own there).

Look, I’m sorry, but you’re the one with the actual issue here—it sounds a lot like jealousy to me.
If we’re following any kind of logical progression, the solution should involve something shifting within your own perspective to resolve the friction you're feeling.
🙂
I honestly don't think it's right to demand that someone else change just because you're struggling with something internally.
In my humble opinion, jealousy is basically just a symptom of low self-esteem, so you'd probably be better off working on that instead.
Now, I’m certainly no therapist, so I won't pretend to dive into the deep psychological weeds where an amateur like me could easily get everything wrong.
Just try to flip the script for a second: imagine if he were the jealous one, constantly hovering over you, trying to control when you go out, or telling you that you can't dress up or wear makeup...
We’d all pretty much agree that his behavior is the problem, and that the fix isn't for you to start wearing a housecoat and a veil, wouldn't we?

steeltiger2 said:But how am I supposed to be completely irresistible? 🙂

To me, this just sounds like he’s already talking to her because clearly, I’m not enough for him. If I were truly that captivating—if I had really hooked him properly—he wouldn't be bothering to reply to her in the first place.🤷

So, let's say you decide to make a move. You walk right up to him, snatch the phone out of his hand, and start being all affectionate. Or maybe you just stroll past him wearing something incredibly sexy... I don't know, you get the idea.😁 I’m sure you’re already aware of the various ways to keep your partner’s attention. Trust me, it makes life a lot more enjoyable for both of you. 😉

This only matters to me because it’s clear I’m just not enough for him. It’s obvious he isn't captivated by me—if I had actually managed to charm him, he wouldn't be giving her the time of day.🤷

I've read this sentence over and over, but I honestly can't wrap my head around what you were trying to get at.

hollowtrucker77 said:Look, I’m sorry, but you’re the one with the actual issue here—it sounds a lot like jealousy to me.
If we’re following any kind of logical progression, the solution should involve something shifting within your own perspective to resolve the friction you're feeling.
🙂
I honestly don't think it's right to demand that someone else change just because you're struggling with something internally.
In my humble opinion, jealousy is basically just a symptom of low self-esteem, so you'd probably be better off working on that instead.
Now, I’m certainly no therapist, so I won't pretend to dive into the deep psychological weeds where an amateur like me could easily get everything wrong.
Just try to flip the script for a second: imagine if he were the jealous one, constantly hovering over you, trying to control when you go out, or telling you that you can't dress up or wear makeup...
We’d all pretty much agree that his behavior is the problem, and that the fix isn't for you to start wearing a housecoat and a veil, wouldn't we?

He really does clean himself up and stays perfectly polite with everyone, so that doesn't bother me at all. Honestly, him going where he wants, doing what he loves, and just having his own space—that doesn't phase me one bit.
I have my own interests and my group of girlfriends I see often, and I don't do any of that to make him jealous. It's not like I lack a life or feel the need to play "mother" to him by micromanaging his every move. Besides, I'm not really the type to crave the spotlight, whereas he absolutely is.

But regarding this other issue, I am truly trying to work through my issues and be a better person.
I'm just so tired of feeling like a failure—especially since certain things can never be undone. 😢
Everything I did years ago, back when I was first starting to act out, still comes back to haunt me today. Even though I have much better self-control now than I used to—and he knows firsthand how much of an agonizing struggle that was for me—it hasn't gone away.
Last night, I was crying half the night because I'm trying so hard not to mess up, yet he blames me during those "potential jealousy triggers," saying things like, "Here we go, you're about to start..." and then he just lists every single mistake I've ever made. I didn't say a word in response, but man, it was so incredibly hard. I honestly can't even put into words how heavy that feels.

Sean Cruz said:So, let's say you decide to make a move. You walk right up to him, snatch the phone out of his hand, and start being all affectionate. Or maybe you just stroll past him wearing something incredibly sexy... I don't know, you get the idea.😁 I’m sure you’re already aware of the various ways to keep your partner’s attention. Trust me, it makes life a lot more enjoyable for both of you. 😉

This only matters to me because it’s clear I’m just not enough for him. It’s obvious he isn't captivated by me—if I had actually managed to charm him, he wouldn't be giving her the time of day.🤷

I've read this sentence over and over, but I honestly can't wrap my head around what you were trying to get at.

What I meant was this: if I were actually enough for him, he wouldn't be wasting his time texting some other woman—someone who isn't even necessary to his life—just because he finds her topics interesting during his downtime.
But clearly, I just need to go hit the mall or something, and then he won't even remember ever talking to her.
The thing is, once the sex is over and men have gotten what they wanted, that drive to chase, flirt, or play games just evaporates. Though, I suppose keeping things spicy helps, and I think that's a huge factor. 😉
Still, that's not a real fix...
I think I really need to work on myself as an individual. I need to show him that I'm someone worth protecting, someone he should feel lucky to have by his side. He knows that deep down—which is why he's still here—but I think he's lost that spark of appreciation. And let's be real, he probably values me way less now because he knows I can be a total jealous wreck.

I’m feeling a bit better today, honestly. Nothing is really weighing on me right now, and frankly, I have no intention of letting it start back up again. Jealousy... it’s a strange thing. It hits you like a physical sickness, a lingering fever that just won't break, messing with your head and your body all at once.
But look, one thing is absolutely certain: either we call it quits, or I’m going to take everything I’ve learned from this mess and rise above it. And let me tell you, that would require a total, radical transformation.

Jacob Wilson50 said:isss,
you can't stop him from meeting people.
BUT YOU CAN MAKE SURE NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU TO HIM!
You can work on YOURSELF.
You can be that warm, loving presence, the person who offers him things no one else can. You can focus on US, instead of living in fear that someone else will come along.
There are ALWAYS plenty of "better" people out there.
The key is being the best version of yourself for him,
and you obviously won't be able to do that if you're constantly paralyzed by anxiety.

It's like you're in a beautiful ocean, but instead of swimming and diving and looking at tropical fish, you're just terrified that some shark from the deep sea might show up, and that fear is what's actually drowning you.!!!
It's all in your head, nowhere else!

If you don't want him to leave, don't be the kind of person people run away from!
BE his safe harbor.

😕

The ocean is wonderful, and there really are tropical fish and all that—but every other day you read in the news about sharks biting someone out there. And you know sharks exist because plenty of people you know have actually been killed by them.

So, it isn't true that sharks are "just in someone's head." It's more like you're wearing rose-colored glasses. 😬

hollowtrucker77 said:britta, honestly, all you really need to do is start recognizing your own damn worth
it’s funny how people are usually their own harshest critics, obsessing over every little flaw they think they have while completely ignoring those same issues in everyone else
you should try shifting the dynamic just a bit—maybe tell your guy how much fun it is seeing all these women circling him, and just let him sit there and realize exactly what he stands to lose if he ever lets you slip away
look, I see it all the time, even with my own wife; I catch guys checking her out, and I see her smiling back, just naturally being her charming self and engaging with the world around her
and that’s perfectly fine, actually; it's totally normal and nothing to get worked up about
but the thing is, she knows exactly what she brings to the table and exactly what she'd be risking if she decided to look elsewhere
and the same goes for me, too
men and women flirt, they play the game, they try to impress one another
it isn't anything groundbreaking, and it certainly isn't cause for alarm
I don't own my wife, and she doesn't own me either
we're together because we choose to be, because there's a genuine connection there
at any given moment, either one of us is free to walk away from this whole thing and move on; there aren't any handcuffs or prison cells involved here

enthusiasm factor: low to mild intensity.

😈 🤣

steeltiger2 said:What I meant was this: if I were actually enough for him, he wouldn't be wasting his time texting some other woman—someone who isn't even necessary to his life—just because he finds her topics interesting during his downtime.
But clearly, I just need to go hit the mall or something, and then he won't even remember ever talking to her.
The thing is, once the sex is over and men have gotten what they wanted, that drive to chase, flirt, or play games just evaporates. Though, I suppose keeping things spicy helps, and I think that's a huge factor. 😉
Still, that's not a real fix...
I think I really need to work on myself as an individual. I need to show him that I'm someone worth protecting, someone he should feel lucky to have by his side. He knows that deep down—which is why he's still here—but I think he's lost that spark of appreciation. And let's be real, he probably values me way less now because he knows I can be a total jealous wreck.

Look, that was meant to be a constructive suggestion—a way for you to actually improve things and shake up the dynamic in your relationship, rather than just sitting there complaining. I’ll admit, I missed the mark a little bit on how to phrase it, but seeing how much this jealousy is eating away at you, I honestly regret even bringing it up.

Once the sex is over, men tend to check out. They’ve satisfied their immediate urge, and suddenly, the desire for the next flirtation, the late-night wandering, or even just some genuine affection seems to evaporate. That said, I still believe that staying connected afterward is vital—it really does make a difference.😉
But that isn't the answer.

Look, I know it isn't a permanent fix, but constantly nagging him isn't exactly working in your favor. Instead of just venting, maybe try being direct. Sit him down, skip the complaining, and tell him straight up that this is eating you alive. Tell him you want to actually sit down and figure out a solution together.

I think I need to work on being a better version of myself. I want to remind him that he needs to cherish me—that he should actually feel lucky to have me by his side. Somewhere deep down, I know he realizes it; after all, he’s still here. But I fear he’s lost that spark of appreciation. He probably values me far less than he used to because he knows exactly how much of a jealous lunatic I can be.

First off, you aren't losing your mind. Second, there’s no need to focus on becoming a "better person"—you just need to tackle the actual problem. Sit him down and have an honest conversation.

The reality check, my unknown friend,
or, if I want to look at it from a different angle, what am I actually supposed to do??
if she decides she wants to walk out on me for someone else, what’s my move here??
Do I just scream, jump around, and start cutting my own wrists???
🙂
instead of actually living my life, am I expected to sit here with a knot in my stomach, obsessing and doubting the very person I supposedly love, basically working overtime to turn our lives into one big, miserable, dark dungeon??
it doesn't work that way for me: the door is wide open, and if you're thinking about leaving, you better move fast, because once you step out, don't expect anything but a closed door behind you.

hollowtrucker77 said:The reality check, my unknown friend,
or, if I want to look at it from a different angle, what am I actually supposed to do??
if she decides she wants to walk out on me for someone else, what’s my move here??
Do I just scream, jump around, and start cutting my own wrists???
🙂
instead of actually living my life, am I expected to sit here with a knot in my stomach, obsessing and doubting the very person I supposedly love, basically working overtime to turn our lives into one big, miserable, dark dungeon??
it doesn't work that way for me: the door is wide open, and if you're thinking about leaving, you better move fast, because once you step out, don't expect anything but a closed door behind you.

You can't do anything. Did I ever say you could? 😬

When a Turk puts you on a stake, you aren't exactly in a position to take action either. 😈

hollowtrucker77 said:The reality check, my unknown friend,
or, if I want to look at it from a different angle, what am I actually supposed to do??
if she decides she wants to walk out on me for someone else, what’s my move here??
Do I just scream, jump around, and start cutting my own wrists???
🙂
instead of actually living my life, am I expected to sit here with a knot in my stomach, obsessing and doubting the very person I supposedly love, basically working overtime to turn our lives into one big, miserable, dark dungeon??
it doesn't work that way for me: the door is wide open, and if you're thinking about leaving, you better move fast, because once you step out, don't expect anything but a closed door behind you.

Whatever floats your boat, buddy. 😍 I never said what you "should" do. For me, Hume's 'is-ought' problem is just as unsolvable as it was for David Hume. To put it simply: I have no clue what "ought" means. I only know how things are.

Sean Cruz said:Look, that was meant to be a constructive suggestion—a way for you to actually improve things and shake up the dynamic in your relationship, rather than just sitting there complaining. I’ll admit, I missed the mark a little bit on how to phrase it, but seeing how much this jealousy is eating away at you, I honestly regret even bringing it up.

Once the sex is over, men tend to check out. They’ve satisfied their immediate urge, and suddenly, the desire for the next flirtation, the late-night wandering, or even just some genuine affection seems to evaporate. That said, I still believe that staying connected afterward is vital—it really does make a difference.😉
But that isn't the answer.

Look, I know it isn't a permanent fix, but constantly nagging him isn't exactly working in your favor. Instead of just venting, maybe try being direct. Sit him down, skip the complaining, and tell him straight up that this is eating you alive. Tell him you want to actually sit down and figure out a solution together.

I think I need to work on being a better version of myself. I want to remind him that he needs to cherish me—that he should actually feel lucky to have me by his side. Somewhere deep down, I know he realizes it; after all, he’s still here. But I fear he’s lost that spark of appreciation. He probably values me far less than he used to because he knows exactly how much of a jealous lunatic I can be.

First off, you aren't losing your mind. Second, there’s no need to focus on becoming a "better person"—you just need to tackle the actual problem. Sit him down and have an honest conversation.

Thanks for assuming I’m sane, but honestly, that’s exactly how I feel when things get like this...

We have talked about this a hundred times already. He told me to just bring things up calmly, without blowing up at him like he's the bad guy.
He claims he doesn't act as freely as he would if I weren't around, saying he’s had to change quite a bit because of me. But then he follows that up by saying there are certain things he simply won't change—even if they bother me—because that’s just who he is, he doesn't mean anything by it, and he's loyal to me. He actually called my behavior immature, suggesting that a "real, mature adult" wouldn't act like this or doubt him in the first place.
I suppose this supposed "ideal woman" would be so incredibly self-assured that she’d never make an issue out of him doing whatever the hell he wants—because, you know, she's so "mature."🙄
There was even one time I got hurt so badly we ended up in the ER because he pushed me to that point. And yet, he could easily stop those behaviors for the sake of love (personally, I care way more about how he's feeling when he's in a bad state than whatever I was planning in that moment, but whatever, I'll never truly grasp that logic).
And as for him having "changed more because of me than he would with anyone else"—well, thank God for that. I've changed because of him too, obviously. It’s not like I can just act totally reckless without worrying about someone else's feelings, like I do when I'm single.
There isn't much left to say about it. Honestly, just thinking back on those conversations with him makes me feel sick, believe me.

Honestly, I think one of the absolute dumbest things humans do is engage in this constant, pathetic little competition over who’s better or who looks better than who.
I mean, look, I see beautiful, young women everywhere I go, and yeah, maybe even some who are sharper than my partner, just like I’m certain my lady sees guys every single day who are taller, stronger, more handsome, younger, or more successful than I am...
If any of us actually bothered to step into this imaginary arena of comparison or trying to dominate through status, I’m pretty sure we’d all just end up losing.
We might win on some tiny, insignificant detail, but when you look at the big picture, we’re losing the war every single day.
🙂
So, even though there are plenty of women out there who are younger, prettier, smarter, or—let's be real—better built, blah blah blah, I still come home every night happy because she’s "the one," and she has everything I actually want and need; she loves me and gets me, even when I’m not putting on an act, even when I’m in a foul mood, unshaven, broke, or just plain exhausted...
It works both ways, too, because I love her just as much when she’s sick, when she’s pissed off, dealing with PMS, or when she’s totally unmade-up and looking a mess...
The idea of comparing her to someone else doesn't even cross my mind, let alone feeling threatened just because she talks to or smiles at some guy passing by.
I certainly don't feel the need to wax my chest and wear lace thongs to try and seduce her while she's on her phone, nor do I feel the urge to go digging through her logs, her phone, or her emails.
I’m not threatened by other men, just like she isn't threatened by the existence of other women.
We chose each other, and as long as that stays true, the best thing we can do is just focus on being good to one another.

I truly believe there’s a progression here, if you want my honest take: first, you have that initial spark where you're basically falling for an idealized version of someone you've built up in your head—what most people just call being "infatuated." Then comes actual infatuation, where those qualities stop feeling imaginary and start becoming a real part of your daily life; you become convinced this person is completely incomparable to anyone else because they possess this specific, unique magic just for you.
And thirdly, there's that deep, enduring love where the infatuation stays woven into the affection—it's love plus that lingering spark. It’s when that person still holds that "something special" above everyone else, even though you actually know them now, flaws and all. It’s finding it sweet to see them looking like a total mess in the morning, or seeing them at their absolute lowest, vulnerable and defeated, and still thinking they're wonderful.

If I weren't feeling that infatuation anymore and was just deeply in love with my boyfriend, I suppose I could fall for someone else... because that specific spark is exactly what I look for in the person I'm with. Otherwise, I can just love a friend, I guess.
But honestly, I don't really know how he views this whole thing. That's why I'm worried—that maybe he just loves me without that infatuation. People always say that tired, boring old cliché: "infatuation fades into love," and they talk about it like it's some dull, predictable transition that kills the magic.
In my eyes, if you love someone but the infatuation or that sense of wonder is gone, then it’s just habit, not true love. I don't think real love between a man and a woman can exist without a constant dose of that infatuation—that ability to see something more in them than in anyone else. You can't just look at them with purely realistic eyes like you would any stranger; you need that perspective that makes your heart ache just by looking at them sometimes. And if you don't feel that, how are you even supposed to be jealous?

steeltiger2 said:It’s honestly such a relief to know I’m not the only one who’s actually considered seeing a therapist...😁
Of course, I wouldn't go telling just anyone about that.

Maybe if I were more self-assured—if I were just a slightly different breed of person (I tend to overanalyze things that people with actual luck don't even give a second thought to)—I wouldn't be feeling this completely unhinged.

For me, the thing that keeps me up at night is that invisible kind of betrayal—the idea that he might be crushing on someone else while he's sitting right there next to me. And then we don't even break up; I just sit there feeling humiliated because I had no clue.
There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that lacks any real, living passion. It strips away your dignity as a woman, and to me, that's the absolute worst part.
It’s just as soul-crushing to exist while feeling spiritually dead, drifting without any ideals to hold onto.
The thing is, I know for a fact that in every serious relationship he’s had before me, there were other women he was interested in. Is it even possible that what he says is true? That those stories were different and what he has with me is something entirely unique?
If that isn't the case, then losing him would be a tragedy. I don't just need someone to occupy a space in a relationship or a marriage—that's not enough. If I lost the real thing, I'd be losing the most precious thing I own, and even if I found the strength to forgive, I'd still be left empty-handed.😢

Jealousy is actually a decent problem to bring to psychotherapy. Therapists usually struggle more with the heavy-duty mental disorders; jealousy, unless it's intense enough to completely wreck your entire life, isn't really in that category.

steeltiger2 said:Thanks for assuming I’m sane, but honestly, that’s exactly how I feel when things get like this...

We have talked about this a hundred times already. He told me to just bring things up calmly, without blowing up at him like he's the bad guy.
He claims he doesn't act as freely as he would if I weren't around, saying he’s had to change quite a bit because of me. But then he follows that up by saying there are certain things he simply won't change—even if they bother me—because that’s just who he is, he doesn't mean anything by it, and he's loyal to me. He actually called my behavior immature, suggesting that a "real, mature adult" wouldn't act like this or doubt him in the first place.
I suppose this supposed "ideal woman" would be so incredibly self-assured that she’d never make an issue out of him doing whatever the hell he wants—because, you know, she's so "mature."🙄
There was even one time I got hurt so badly we ended up in the ER because he pushed me to that point. And yet, he could easily stop those behaviors for the sake of love (personally, I care way more about how he's feeling when he's in a bad state than whatever I was planning in that moment, but whatever, I'll never truly grasp that logic).
And as for him having "changed more because of me than he would with anyone else"—well, thank God for that. I've changed because of him too, obviously. It’s not like I can just act totally reckless without worrying about someone else's feelings, like I do when I'm single.
There isn't much left to say about it. Honestly, just thinking back on those conversations with him makes me feel sick, believe me.

You care about him far too much, and he simply doesn't respect your feelings. 😢 Personally, I'm all for "brutal honesty," but when you actually love someone, it hurts like hell when they say something cruel. You can't just shrug that off with indifference.

I suppose that "ideal" woman would have to be so incredibly self-assured that she wouldn't even care that he does whatever he wants—she could afford to be that way because she's so mature.🙄

It isn't about being "ideal"; it's about her not caring as much as you do. That kind of behavior isn't a sign of maturity—it's just a difference in emotional investment. When you're in love, there is no amount of "maturity" that will help you act purely rationally.

I once got hurt so badly we had to go to the ER because he pushed me to that state, even though he could have easily stopped for the sake of our relationship.

Given what you've said, maybe you should take Gary James88's advice and seek some professional help—not because you're "crazy," but because this is clearly taking a massive toll on you.

And regarding the whole "he changed for me and more than he ever would for anyone else" bit—well, thank God. I've changed because of him too, and of course I don't act as recklessly as if I didn't have to consider someone else's feelings.

The bottom line is this: when we love someone, we naturally restrict our own freedom of action so we don't hurt them. From my perspective, you are a very mature person—unlike him.

It brings to mind a quote that fits perfectly with your feeling of being "crazy": 🙂

Lovers and madmen understand what reason cannot grasp.

William Shakespeare

hollowtrucker77 said:Honestly, I think one of the absolute dumbest things humans do is engage in this constant, pathetic little competition over who’s better or who looks better than who.
I mean, look, I see beautiful, young women everywhere I go, and yeah, maybe even some who are sharper than my partner, just like I’m certain my lady sees guys every single day who are taller, stronger, more handsome, younger, or more successful than I am...
If any of us actually bothered to step into this imaginary arena of comparison or trying to dominate through status, I’m pretty sure we’d all just end up losing.
We might win on some tiny, insignificant detail, but when you look at the big picture, we’re losing the war every single day.
🙂
So, even though there are plenty of women out there who are younger, prettier, smarter, or—let's be real—better built, blah blah blah, I still come home every night happy because she’s "the one," and she has everything I actually want and need; she loves me and gets me, even when I’m not putting on an act, even when I’m in a foul mood, unshaven, broke, or just plain exhausted...
It works both ways, too, because I love her just as much when she’s sick, when she’s pissed off, dealing with PMS, or when she’s totally unmade-up and looking a mess...
The idea of comparing her to someone else doesn't even cross my mind, let alone feeling threatened just because she talks to or smiles at some guy passing by.
I certainly don't feel the need to wax my chest and wear lace thongs to try and seduce her while she's on her phone, nor do I feel the urge to go digging through her logs, her phone, or her emails.
I’m not threatened by other men, just like she isn't threatened by the existence of other women.
We chose each other, and as long as that stays true, the best thing we can do is just focus on being good to one another.

If you ever actually consider doing that, my advice is to check if she’s even into it first. It can be an incredibly awkward surprise for a woman. 😬

just like I love her when she's sick, or pissed off, or dealing with PMS, or without makeup, or just looking totally disheveled...

Anyway, I love you... 😍

😁
First off, I’d probably have to be careful not to accidentally wander past a corner store on a dark street
😁

hollowtrucker77 said:😁
First off, I’d probably have to be careful not to accidentally wander past a corner store on a dark street
😁

So you're saying you wouldn't be able to resist the temptation? 😍