Falling for an ex with an addiction problem

Raymond Sanchez7 said:I find all these self-proclaimed altruists quite fascinating, especially those who seem to have absolutely no connection to actual experience or real-world events.
For instance, if I were just spinning nonsense, there would be both a lioness here and brightridge59 has gone through something similar, so perhaps none of them lose their minds the way I do, though I could also certainly offer my own testimony regarding experiences with former addicts.

So, here's an example of a former addict... someone who gave me a friendly nod about 14 years ago. You can't just generalize. Today, I'm a "normal" woman with a "normal" life, but back then, they gave me a 0% score for surviving—not for actually digging myself out of the gutter...

True enough, you carry a massive deficit through life—heroin changes you, and everything afterward feels incredibly dull...

But I can't help but notice one thing: people who actually made it out and know they're carrying a ticking time bomb inside themselves are way less likely to relapse than those whose main mantra is "NEVER again."

And it's hard not to see the stigma thrown at "survivors" when everyone starts grouping us all together....🤷

True, but your psychological makeup and how you actually interact with those around you are things only the people in your immediate circle can truly judge, since you aren't privy to how you come across to the rest of us...
How you treat others and such...
I am certainly not suggesting that you lack the ability to strip down, of course you can, but the real question is what kind of person you become once the clothes are off...

brightridge59 said:Look, Ronald Rogers27... you’re talking about two completely different things here.

If some woman posted online saying she was thinking about walking out onto a busy interstate to see if a car would hit her just to test her luck, what on earth would you say to her?
Would you tell her to go ahead and take the risk because "well, maybe it won't happen"? 😕

You're stuck in the realm of theory, but I’m speaking from actual life experience. When you're dealing with addicts, there is simply no such thing as trust—not even when people claim they've "rehabilitated."

Addiction is a chronic, recurring illness, not some temporary phase or a run of bad luck. There is no reliable future to be built with them.
That’s exactly why I offer this kind of advice and hold this perspective.

So, does your "experience" really grant you the authority to dismiss millions of people who have actually conquered their addiction and are now living clean, healthy, and happy lives?

Seems a little rigid to me...

Linda Vaughn2 said:So, does your "experience" really grant you the authority to dismiss millions of people who have actually conquered their addiction and are now living clean, healthy, and happy lives?

Seems a little rigid to me...

You're missing the point.
It doesn't matter if you call it an illness; what matters is that it keeps coming back.
And yeah, this is one of those things nobody ever trulybeats
.
You manage it as long as you're breathing. In principle, the only real way to handle it is to never slip up again.
Nobody's looking down on anyone here. This is just the reality of the situation.
It is what it is. No need to get insulted by facts.

I spent a year with my boyfriend before I realized he was an addict. Looking back, there wasn't a single sign that anything was wrong.
I fell hard for him, and his family absolutely adored me. Even today, we stay in touch; both he and I work alongside his father in our family business.
When people at the firm found out we were dating, they were stunned. They couldn't wrap their heads around how a grounded, sensible woman like me could be with someone like him.
For a while, I actually managed to pull him away from that lifestyle. But eventually, things spiraled. He met some girl who was deep into drugs, and he ended up leaving me. In the end, the addiction was simply stronger than our relationship.
Word is they got engaged, she moved in with him, quit her job, and he took out massive loans—spiraling into debt, naturally, because of the habit. After he messed up at a lower-level position at the company, they sent him away. The last I heard, he’s in a rehab facility near Scranton.
We saw each other one last time before he went into treatment. We still work at the same company, but the man standing in front of me isn't the guy I fell in love with. He’s a complete stranger now.
In my experience, the drugs won. He chose the addiction over me. We could have had a whole life together, a family, everything—but the drugs were just more powerful.

jadedrifter19 said:I spent a year with my boyfriend before I realized he was an addict. Looking back, there wasn't a single sign that anything was wrong.
I fell hard for him, and his family absolutely adored me. Even today, we stay in touch; both he and I work alongside his father in our family business.
When people at the firm found out we were dating, they were stunned. They couldn't wrap their heads around how a grounded, sensible woman like me could be with someone like him.
For a while, I actually managed to pull him away from that lifestyle. But eventually, things spiraled. He met some girl who was deep into drugs, and he ended up leaving me. In the end, the addiction was simply stronger than our relationship.
Word is they got engaged, she moved in with him, quit her job, and he took out massive loans—spiraling into debt, naturally, because of the habit. After he messed up at a lower-level position at the company, they sent him away. The last I heard, he’s in a rehab facility near Scranton.
We saw each other one last time before he went into treatment. We still work at the same company, but the man standing in front of me isn't the guy I fell in love with. He’s a complete stranger now.
In my experience, the drugs won. He chose the addiction over me. We could have had a whole life together, a family, everything—but the drugs were just more powerful.

Look, he wasn't choosing between you and a fix; he was choosing between being high and being sober. When your brain chemistry is totally trashed like that, falling on your knees is almost inevitable. It’s not a choice you make with logic.

Look, as someone who used to date an addict, my best advice to any girl getting tangled up in those kinds of relationships is simple: run for the hills as fast as you can.👎😳
I went through three years of absolute hell. We broke up four years ago, and honestly? Not a single thing about him has changed since the day we split.

You’re right, Jonathan Morales2, but I was the fool who actually believed things would change.

jadedrifter19 said:You’re right, Jonathan Morales2, but I was the fool who actually believed things would change.

Look, you were head over heels and you acted on instinct—that's just how it goes when you're caught up in it. Stop beating yourself up and just chalk it up to life experience. Honestly, reading your post, I get the sense you’re carrying this massive weight of guilt, thinking you pushed him further into his addiction the second you walked away. You need to stop doing that. You’re overestimating your influence here; his struggle isn't something you can control. In the grand scheme of things, walking away now was probably the cleanest, least painful break you could have made for yourself.

I was head over heels once, and honestly, it took me an entire year to finally get him out of my system. But hey, luck is on my side now—that chapter is officially closed.

I don't see much point in starting an entirely new thread, so I'll just drop my question here. Even if the answer is buried somewhere in this massive wall of posts, I haven't had the patience to read every single one of them. So, here it is: 🙂 How exactly does one attempt to pull an addict away from that lifestyle and the crowd that enables it?
I’m not expecting anyone to hand me a perfect solution on a silver platter, but I would value your perspective. Does anyone have any practical advice to offer?

At the end of the day, you can't force someone to realize they've screwed up. They have to hit that wall and figure it out on their own. No matter how much you try to hammer it into their head, it just doesn't stick unless they experience the fallout themselves. Only then might something actually change.

First off, he has to actually want it. He needs to be able to look at himself and say, "Enough is enough; I want a new life."
Based on my experience dealing with a guy struggling with addiction, my current take is that once you're in that cycle, there’s no coming back. Maybe I'm wrong, and feel free to correct me if I am, but that’s just how I see it.

Look, this whole "reformed junkie" persona might seem pretty cool to you for a little while, but you really need to watch out for what's coming down the pipeline later on:
- His tolerance for frustration is going to plummet. Before you know it, he could be having total meltdowns over the smallest, most insignificant things.

I get it—since you two are still in that relatively fresh stage of the relationship and he knows he hasn't fully earned your trust yet, he’s probably working overtime to be "perfect" for you. He's playing the part, right? But... the reality is that his brain has already taken its share of damage from the drugs. Even if he stops now—which, let's be honest, isn't exactly a guarantee—those neurological effects aren't just going to vanish. Sooner or later, the cracks are going to start showing.

brightridge59 said:I think the more interesting question to ask ourselves is this: what is it about addicts that we find so strangely captivating? 😉

I see that Eleuthera has entered the fray, so there isn't much left for me to contribute. 🤣

Except, perhaps, for two minor observations.

There are actually two distinct points here; regarding the first, Eleuthera might not be consciously aware of it, though she has likely felt its effects firsthand, whereas concerning the second, she is undoubtedly certain. 🤣

1. Quite rigorous scientific studies, employing strictly empirical methods alongside a control group of "average" individuals, demonstrate a profound disparity in cognitive capacity. Those struggling with alcoholism consistently fall well below the average baseline. Conversely, those dealing with narcotics tend to deviate significantly from the norm—specifically, they trend significantly ABOVE it.

When one factors in their social maladjustment and various other eccentricities, they essentially embody everything we once secretly desired to indulge in, now presented with a rare opportunity. To put it more succinctly: they represent the very essence of our most repressed cravings.

2. When such an individual reaches a certain peak, they don't crash simply because they lack the capacity to do so. 😂 Personally, I refuse to trade a high-functioning addict for someone merely "normal." (Though, naturally, even my convictions have their limits, blah, blah...)
There truly is no lover quite as captivating as a properly wired addict—provided they aren't overdoing it. If we add one small detail to the mix, it’s this: they lack any semblance of moral restraint. It is quite curious that no one ever seems to discuss this, yet it remains a pivotal factor. 🤷

An emotional bond is entirely out of the question. However, enjoying pleasant company with someone who serves a practical purpose? That is quite a different matter altogether.

As for the test you proposed—I would have kicked you to the curb immediately, given that it functions as an ultimatum.

And I find myself laughing heartily, because Eleuthera knows this truth all too well.

jadedrifter19 said:First off, he has to actually want it. He needs to be able to look at himself and say, "Enough is enough; I want a new life."
Based on my experience dealing with a guy struggling with addiction, my current take is that once you're in that cycle, there’s no coming back. Maybe I'm wrong, and feel free to correct me if I am, but that’s just how I see it.

You're wrong—of course people can quit. It all comes down to finding that internal drive; relying on someone else's reasons isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to find a new passion or something to sink your teeth into to stay busy. And I'm with Taylor on the whole ultimatum/drug testing thing; it absolutely kills any romance left in the relationship. Sure, you can demand that as a parent, a sibling, or even just a close friend and expect the bond to survive the drama, but as a romantic partner? It's a mess. Expecting someone to change solely because they love you is completely unrealistic, and honestly, that goes for way more than just drug issues.

Jonathan Morales2 said:Not all of them are. It’s just those specific types who manage to spin this whole illusion that they’re too fragile, too passionate, or too rebellious to ever settle down into some boring, cookie-cutter suburban life. That’s what draws people in. And once they actually start getting their act together? They become absolutely irresistible. They target these girls who think they can save them with the sheer force of their love... something mystical... something precious... while everyone else just looks on with contempt.
I know this one couple that is basically a walking cliché. He’s an ex-addict who barely made it out alive. Then he meets this girl who worships the ground he walks on, and they get married. His dad basically landed him a job at a local firm to get things moving. Everything starts looking like some cheesy Hallmark movie... except he’s constantly teetering on the edge, just slightly buzzed on booze, cigarettes, and flirting, bragging about his "iron will" because he hasn't touched the hard stuff or cheated yet. Meanwhile, she’s constantly having panic attacks, convinced she’s dying from some rare heart condition that doctors in every hospital in the States can't seem to find.

🤣

Maybe I was wrong, Jonathan Morales2, but this is how my head is working right now. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll see things differently, so I’d rather just own my current perspective.
You don't realize your boyfriend is an addict just by hearing rumors. You tell yourself, "No, that can't be true." Then, bit by bit, you realize there's actual truth in those stories. You try to sit him down for a real conversation, and he just dodges it—"I'm not an addict, what are you talking about?"
He could have stopped if he actually wanted to. Instead, he went deeper, straight to rock bottom.
He had everything going for him—supportive parents, a house, a car, a solid career. Most people would kill for half of what he had, but for him, none of it was ever enough.

jadedrifter19 said:Maybe I was wrong, Jonathan Morales2, but this is how my head is working right now. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll see things differently, so I’d rather just own my current perspective.
You don't realize your boyfriend is an addict just by hearing rumors. You tell yourself, "No, that can't be true." Then, bit by bit, you realize there's actual truth in those stories. You try to sit him down for a real conversation, and he just dodges it—"I'm not an addict, what are you talking about?"
He could have stopped if he actually wanted to. Instead, he went deeper, straight to rock bottom.
He had everything going for him—supportive parents, a house, a car, a solid career. Most people would kill for half of what he had, but for him, none of it was ever enough.

Exactly.🙏
I don't even need to say anything else; you basically just summarized my entire life story.🙏

Gerald Scott4, I actually ran into him back in April. We exchanged greetings, but he was a completely different person.
He just wasn't functioning normally; it was like he was living in his own little world.
While we were talking, his phone rang—it was some drug delivery guy. Imagine that, right in the middle of his workday. We said our goodbyes, and he just walked off to pick up the goods.
He looked totally disheveled—stained jeans, dirty shoes, skinny, pale... just unrecognizable.
Two days later, he was hauled away from work and taken to a facility in Brooklyn. As for what happened next, I have no idea.
He could have turned things around if he’d actually wanted to. He had everything he needed.