To be or not to be... a father?

Jonathan Hernandez4 said:Why would a man even want to be a father...
What does being a father actually mean to you?
Maybe if you could describe your own father to us, it might make it a little easier for the guys here to weigh in on whether they’d want to step into that role or not.

A friend of mine once said something quite beautiful—something along the lines of growing alongside your children. To me, that captures the whole essence of it. We've been given this innate opportunity to evolve as individuals through the experience of parenting.
As for the idea that women desire children more, I honestly think that’s just something we’ve been conditioned to believe. Historically, a woman wasn't even considered "real" unless she was a mother; it was how her identity was defined. Men didn't face those same societal pressures, and frankly, they rarely had the chance to be the kind of fathers that modern standards actually expect them to be.
Still, it’s genuinely good to see more men finally discovering the richness that life offers when they embrace parenthood.

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily want to be a biological father—not that I’m against it, it’s just a matter of priorities—for several reasons. For one, there are way too many people on this planet already. Then there's the weight of responsibility; when things get heated during an argument, a kid might always throw the "you never asked me to be born" line at you. Plus, I don't want to feel blamed for making a choice since, from a certain perspective, having kids isn't exactly the most "politically liberal" move, considering no one actually asks them if they want to exist in the first place.😁...

In other words, almost nobody who is born actually chose to be here...

Now, "being a father" in the sense of living with children or working with them? I'd love that, and in some ways, I already do...

I also suspect that biological fatherhood is sometimes just a way to extend the ego, or tradition, or whatever... maybe even a fear of death, who knows? But the reality is, it’s wonderful to have a family, a partner you can truly love and care for, and these little ones who eventually grow into adults and head out on their own adventures. Sometimes I feel those paternal instincts flare up in me, though they usually vanish in a heartbeat. 😁
And it's not like I haven't met a woman I could actually envision building a life with... but does that kind of woman even exist anymore? 😁

I remember a friend of mine, who’s openly bisexual, jokingly asked me once if I’d provide the "seed" if she lived in a sort of domestic partnership or marriage-like setup with another woman. Her idea felt a bit eugenicist, honestly. When we talked about my lack of interest in having kids, she told me, "It's such a shame, people like you really should have children." I'm not trying to compliment myself here, but I wanted to draw that parallel to eugenics... then again, what are genes? I don't believe in genetics nearly as much as I believe in environment and upbringing; even today, they say "only" about 30% is determined by DNA. On one hand, her suggestion about donating sperm leaned toward eugenics, and on the other, I don't know... maybe it was just about my personality. Anyway, why couldn't I "sublimate" that drive by working with kids in schools or something? Or even adopting? The human ego is a strange thing, full of nonsense like "it has to be my own blood"...

If I look at this through a utilitarian lens: do I lose more by never being a biological father, or by being one? It's a tough one... Someone phrased it perfectly based on experience: on one hand, you miss out on the specific experience of "being a father" (assuming you raise the child), but on the other, you miss out on the experience of "living life as a non-father." But you can be a non-father for a good first part of your life—depending on when you decide to start the process, haha—and you can still be a father later on. And you can always walk away if it becomes too much, whether it's because of conscience or whatever, and handle the child support if you absolutely have to. You can always tell the kids, "You aren't my biological children; you are divine sparks sent through your mother. She was the bow, and I was just the force that released the arrow." Something like that...

😉

There’s an old German saying that hits home: "Becoming a father isn't hard, but being one... that's a different story."
It’s easy to have a kid, but being a true father...

I was actually inspired by a "women's interest" thread titled "What do you think about men?"
where most people just vent about deadbeat dads or offer pitying glances toward struggling parents.😁

What I'm really curious about is why anyone would actually want to *be* a father (I mean the actual state of "being," not just the biological act)
—meaning, truly embracing all the responsibilities and the role required in modern American society.

To be clear on one thing: I love kids (especially when they aren't mine! 😁),
but that isn't a motivation for me to become a parent.
There are more than enough children in this world already, and I don't feel any personal drive to have my own.

It's a bit late in my life to be wrestling with these practical dilemmas,
but I'd like to pose a purely philosophical question: What is the point?

Perhaps there are some fresh perspectives out there on this age-old question. Allons Garçons !

So, if you’ve been following the research on the possibility of synthesizing female sperm from a biological standpoint, we might be looking at a future where men are left with nothing more than the option to be fathers—assuming women even want them around for that purpose at all. 😍
And honestly, why would men even bother wanting to be fathers? I haven't the slightest clue 🤷... though in this specific scenario, they might actually find themselves eager to become fathers just to ensure the male lineage doesn't hit a dead end, since female sperm would presumably result in nothing but girls. 😉
Or maybe they'd only crave it in the hopes that their offspring will act as a vessel for all those unfulfilled ambitions they carry around (which is pretty much what most people do when it comes to their kids), or perhaps just to have someone to exert some semblance of authority over... at least until they go out and get a dog or something. 😛

I'm 25. Ever since I was 17—maybe even earlier—I realized I have zero intention of being a father. I have certain ways of living that just wouldn't mesh with raising a kid, and I'm not willing to give those up for anything. Honestly, I've been feeling this way for a long time. People say once you have kids, your whole perspective shifts and you start spoutin' all these different "wisdoms," but I've felt this way for years. Philosophers always have something to say, but my stance isn't changing; it’s just hardening with experience. My philosophy is simple: why should I want to be a parent? I wasn't built for it, and being a parent isn't my purpose in life. Everyone has a calling—some people are born to be mechanics, some are cops, some are doctors. They don't all have to be parents. This is who I am, and a child doesn't fit into that equation. If I did have one, the relationship would be skewed because the kid wouldn't be my priority. Also, I view the traditional family structure as something forced upon us by society. The whole "mom, dad, grandma, grandpa" setup feels imposed. To me, a family is just a man and a woman, and exclusively unmarried, because I'm against marriage as an institution. It's just something pushed by the government and the church. There are already too many kids out there anyway; if someone actually wanted to be a parent, they could just adopt. A child isn't just a biological product; you're a parent because of the bond you form. It doesn't matter who gave birth to you. What matters is who shows up for you. Ultimately, right now, there's no point in becoming a father when there are so many fatherless kids everywhere. But tradition, society, and pure ego all try to force parenthood on you. Anyway, enough. I've done enough philosophizing for one night.👍

stormygull22 said:I'm 25. Ever since I was 17—maybe even earlier—I realized I have zero intention of being a father. I have certain ways of living that just wouldn't mesh with raising a kid, and I'm not willing to give those up for anything. Honestly, I've been feeling this way for a long time. People say once you have kids, your whole perspective shifts and you start spoutin' all these different "wisdoms," but I've felt this way for years. Philosophers always have something to say, but my stance isn't changing; it’s just hardening with experience. My philosophy is simple: why should I want to be a parent? I wasn't built for it, and being a parent isn't my purpose in life. Everyone has a calling—some people are born to be mechanics, some are cops, some are doctors. They don't all have to be parents. This is who I am, and a child doesn't fit into that equation. If I did have one, the relationship would be skewed because the kid wouldn't be my priority. Also, I view the traditional family structure as something forced upon us by society. The whole "mom, dad, grandma, grandpa" setup feels imposed. To me, a family is just a man and a woman, and exclusively unmarried, because I'm against marriage as an institution. It's just something pushed by the government and the church. There are already too many kids out there anyway; if someone actually wanted to be a parent, they could just adopt. A child isn't just a biological product; you're a parent because of the bond you form. It doesn't matter who gave birth to you. What matters is who shows up for you. Ultimately, right now, there's no point in becoming a father when there are so many fatherless kids everywhere. But tradition, society, and pure ego all try to force parenthood on you. Anyway, enough. I've done enough philosophizing for one night.👍

It’s the exact same story for me; back then, the idea of being a mother didn't even cross my mind... 🥳
Fast forward to today, I am a mom, and I'm actually really happy about it, though it didn't fundamentally change who I am as a person at all... 🤷
Do you think being a dad feels any different?

Explain your dream to me. Look, I’ve held this same conviction for nearly ten years now, and I don't plan on changing my mind. Time is irrelevant when you have a firm stance. I felt the exact same way at 16 as I do now at almost 26. I have no idea how someone would feel if they were married, and frankly, I don't care to find out. I am deeply convinced I wasn't built for that role. Furthermore, looking at my own parents and grandparents, I’ve concluded that just wanting a kid doesn't give anyone the right to be a parent. Good day.