Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

The way teenagers talk to each other these days is just... wild. Honestly, even back when I was in high school, I talked totally differently with my friends—but it never once crossed my mind to turn around and tell my mom to eat dirt or call her an idiot.
I just don't get how this is considered "normal" for some people. Everything seems to be "normal" now—even kids acting like they're way older than they actually are—so where does it end?
In my opinion, it’s all because kids aren't spending enough quality time with adults anymore. They're either glued to their friends or just staring at a screen alone. It’s like letting ten puppies loose in a living room and expecting them not to tear the place apart. Unless Mom or Dad steps in to take control, there's just going to be chaos.
It’s the same thing with kids in general. They're going to push boundaries. It's honestly sad that some parents let their kids get away with absolutely anything. And then, the second you try to point out the nonsense their kid is pulling, they turn around and attack *you* instead of actually dealing with their child.

Susan James said:In my opinion, she actually *is* stifling her personality by not letting her go riding whenever she wants.🤣🤣🤣

If you look closely at your example, the mother actually did set a boundary. She gave the child a limit, showing her that she can't just have everything she wants all the time.
The fact that the child couldn't get her way proves that boundaries are being set. 😳

The child reacting with anger to being told "no" is actually pretty normal and expected. However, the fact that she expressed that anger with a sentence so vile that it turned your stomach tells me that this kind of language is likely common in her environment. To her, this is just how people talk.
It sounds like she simply hasn't learned any other way to communicate.
And honestly, you aren't going to fix that kind of communication through punishment. You fix it by modeling better behavior and teaching her socially acceptable ways to express frustration and disappointment. My gut feeling is that a 9-year-old hasn't seen many examples of that at home.
At the end of the day, I'm not even sure what kind of punishment would actually help in a situation like this.

Look, a kid who spends most of their time in preschool, school, or at home... basically living in a pretty decent environment with mostly okay behavior and healthy communication... can still suddenly start using trashy language or picking fights.
It doesn't necessarily mean their parents are talking to them like that at home.
Kids soak up garbage from everywhere. They pick things up incredibly fast—it could be from TV, video games, or just kids on the playground.
And then, out of nowhere, they start doing it. Could be at three, could be at twelve.
I totally disagree with the idea that if a kid says something like:
"I really want to take a dump on your head and in your mouth"
...that it automatically proves they live in a house where everyone talks like that or that they've never seen a healthy way to get angry.
There are plenty of parents who work super hard, watch their language, don't hit, don't yell, and actually teach their kids how to handle frustration properly.
But things still go sideways.
A kid learns bad stuff elsewhere... maybe they decide to swipe money from a wallet or use profanity, and all that good teaching at home just doesn't stick in that moment.
It isn't that simple. You can't just point to one cause and effect without looking at all the different factors involved.
If it were that easy, no teacher, counselor, or psychologist in the US would ever have issues with kids at home, since they'd all know the "perfect" way to do it.

Jesse Fox5 said:Wait, how does that even work? That’s basically just pre-puberty—it feels like you don't actually have an answer for this...
If it were my kid, I’d probably just enroll her in some intensive behavioral bootcamp or summer camp style program, and honestly, she’d be a totally different person in three or four months.

Alright, let's get real here—how does that actually work in practice?

The kid talks back to you or treats you like garbage for the very first time—what do you actually do or say in that moment?

Then, after you’ve tried your first "correction," the kid doubles down and disrespects you all over again—what’s your move then?

And what happens when you’ve gone through two, maybe even three attempts at handling it, and they still just keep pushing your buttons and acting out—what exactly are you supposed to do at that point?

Nicholas King said:Alright, let's get real here—how does that actually work in practice?

The kid talks back to you or treats you like garbage for the very first time—what do you actually do or say in that moment?

Then, after you’ve tried your first "correction," the kid doubles down and disrespects you all over again—what’s your move then?

And what happens when you’ve gone through two, maybe even three attempts at handling it, and they still just keep pushing your buttons and acting out—what exactly are you supposed to do at that point?

I need some actual specifics here.
What would you personally say or do? And what happens if the same thing keeps looping and talking just isn't fixing anything?
Or... if you're stuck and don't have an answer... anyone else got thoughts?
What's the play in these situations? Just endless, boring arguments that go nowhere while the kid keeps acting out?

Nicholas King said:Alright, let's get real here—how does that actually work in practice?

The kid talks back to you or treats you like garbage for the very first time—what do you actually do or say in that moment?

Then, after you’ve tried your first "correction," the kid doubles down and disrespects you all over again—what’s your move then?

And what happens when you’ve gone through two, maybe even three attempts at handling it, and they still just keep pushing your buttons and acting out—what exactly are you supposed to do at that point?

Man... there are a ton of ways. Setting boundaries, having actual conversations. And consequences, obviously. 🙂
She needs to put in some work if she wants something instead of just sitting there demanding it. Like, if she doesn't eat the lunch she asked for, she's gonna end up hungry, simple as that. There are plenty of ways to handle it.
For example... when my little girl was three, she started pulling people's hair. Everyone was just taking it like an idiot. I wasn't. I gave her a little tug myself so she'd realize it hurts. That shut it down real quick.

Jesse Fox5 said:Man... there are a ton of ways. Setting boundaries, having actual conversations. And consequences, obviously. 🙂
She needs to put in some work if she wants something instead of just sitting there demanding it. Like, if she doesn't eat the lunch she asked for, she's gonna end up hungry, simple as that. There are plenty of ways to handle it.
For example... when my little girl was three, she started pulling people's hair. Everyone was just taking it like an idiot. I wasn't. I gave her a little tug myself so she'd realize it hurts. That shut it down real quick.

JPMorgan Chase: specifically—meaning, in a direct manner regarding a particular instance, without all the beating around the bush.

Rachel Jones8 said:I need some actual specifics here.
What would you personally say or do? And what happens if the same thing keeps looping and talking just isn't fixing anything?
Or... if you're stuck and don't have an answer... anyone else got thoughts?
What's the play in these situations? Just endless, boring arguments that go nowhere while the kid keeps acting out?

She mentioned that she could basically reprogram the little one in just three or four months—that they’d be completely transformed.

Since both of those notions strike me as somewhat alarming, I found myself wondering.

If it were me, I think I’d first need to take a massive step back and try to figure out what's actually driving the child's behavior—specifically, whether there is some level of accountability on my part for how things have turned out.

Nicholas King said:She mentioned that she could basically reprogram the little one in just three or four months—that they’d be completely transformed.

Since both of those notions strike me as somewhat alarming, I found myself wondering.

If it were me, I think I’d first need to take a massive step back and try to figure out what's actually driving the child's behavior—specifically, whether there is some level of accountability on my part for how things have turned out.

Ugh, you always say this stuff... but never anything helpful.
The cause is just puberty... either you can't figure it out, or maybe you aren't even to blame. Or maybe you just can't wrap your head around it.
Either way, the kid is still doing exactly what you don't want them to do.

Jesse Fox5 said:The way teenagers talk to each other these days is just... wild. Honestly, even back when I was in high school, I talked totally differently with my friends—but it never once crossed my mind to turn around and tell my mom to eat dirt or call her an idiot.
I just don't get how this is considered "normal" for some people. Everything seems to be "normal" now—even kids acting like they're way older than they actually are—so where does it end?
In my opinion, it’s all because kids aren't spending enough quality time with adults anymore. They're either glued to their friends or just staring at a screen alone. It’s like letting ten puppies loose in a living room and expecting them not to tear the place apart. Unless Mom or Dad steps in to take control, there's just going to be chaos.
It’s the same thing with kids in general. They're going to push boundaries. It's honestly sad that some parents let their kids get away with absolutely anything. And then, the second you try to point out the nonsense their kid is pulling, they turn around and attack *you* instead of actually dealing with their child.

Did anyone here actually say that what she told her mom was considered normal? 🤔
What are you even talking about?😕

And did you actually run into that girl's mother?

Also, by the way, how did everyone else at the table react when she said that to her mom? Did everyone just sit there in awkward silence and judge her under their breath (only to vent about it on a forum later), or did people actually speak up and show they were disgusted?

What exactly is "scary" about those expressions?????? What I actually saw was scary.
So, her mom is basically catering to her every whim when it comes to food. I mean... she asked for steak and baked potatoes... and her mom actually made it. This little brat sat down, took one bite of a potato, and just pushed the plate away. Nothing. Half an hour later, she’s snacking on ice cream and chugging Coca-Cola. That definitely wouldn't fly at my house. You hungry? No?
Fine then, you can wait until dinner for that meal. No ice cream and none of that nonsense. Just you wait... once she's actually hungry, she'll start respecting the food and the effort someone put into making it.
If she were to, as you put it, totally lose it with me, she'd be sent straight to her room to cool off until she apologized. Even if that takes all day.
And what part of that is supposed to be scary ??? I don't get it.

Susan James said:Did anyone here actually say that what she told her mom was considered normal? 🤔
What are you even talking about?😕

And did you actually run into that girl's mother?

Also, by the way, how did everyone else at the table react when she said that to her mom? Did everyone just sit there in awkward silence and judge her under their breath (only to vent about it on a forum later), or did people actually speak up and show they were disgusted?

Why on earth would I confront her? We aren't even that close. If we were, I’d definitely tell her exactly what I think. My aunt actually asked her how she could possibly allow that to happen, and she just gave a shrug like it was nothing.🤷
Whenever we’re having casual small talk, I’ll try to slip in something about how kids really need proper guidance, but she just pretends she didn't hear me. She genuinely thinks she’s doing a great job. Spoiler alert: she isn't.
There's a whole list of stuff... like slamming doors whenever she doesn't get her way IMMEDIATELY. And don't even get me started on her staying up until all hours and then sleeping halfway through the next day. Honestly, if this keeps up, I can't even imagine what she'll be like in a few years.😲

Nicholas King said:She mentioned that she could basically reprogram the little one in just three or four months—that they’d be completely transformed.

Since both of those notions strike me as somewhat alarming, I found myself wondering.

If it were me, I think I’d first need to take a massive step back and try to figure out what's actually driving the child's behavior—specifically, whether there is some level of accountability on my part for how things have turned out.

If we're talking about a parent who refuses to admit they might be part of the problem, then yeah, I agree with you... the parent is often the weakest link.

But...
The truth is, there often isn't time to sit around reflecting.
And very often, the parent already knows exactly why the kid is acting out.

Quite frequently, a parent realizes that by being inconsistent or using rules that don't actually carry weight in that specific household, they're essentially letting the child test the boundaries... experimenting to see what happens if they act like that while "growing up."
Then you have those "friends" whispering in their ear: "Your parents are so old school, you should totally rebel a little."
Being a parent is hands down the hardest job there is. You aren't just hauling sacks of potatoes, kneading dough, or administering shots... you are responsible for an entire human soul.

To follow that analogy, a Baker knows exactly how bread is made, the precise conditions needed for dough to rise and bake, and... well, blah, blah...
A parent ought to know that during the growing years (the rising and baking stage, if you will🙄), you can expect a whole lot of unpredictable behavior from a child.

It was something people used to say back in Smog City:
'They're small, yet they're big; or rather, I mean, they aren't little anymore, but they're definitely large enough to not be little.'

And they haven't got a clue. Everything they do or mess up, they think is some sign of maturity, but it's really nothing of the sort.

And no, there is no magic bullet or universal advice here. Sometimes a conversation works, sometimes you couldn't get a word in if your life depended on it, and sometimes all that works is a firm command. There's no point arguing about it here. What matters is reacting in the moment; everything else just comes down to good parental intuition and sheer willpower.

Lovely one, I've found myself noticing things like that in other families several times too, but there's nothing we can do. It doesn't do any good to say anything if the person who just took a verbal slap doesn't react. So, I've just limited myself to focusing on my own family, and that's that.

Rachel Jones8 said:Ugh, you always say this stuff... but never anything helpful.
The cause is just puberty... either you can't figure it out, or maybe you aren't even to blame. Or maybe you just can't wrap your head around it.
Either way, the kid is still doing exactly what you don't want them to do.

If that were actually true—which, let’s be honest, it isn't—then there is no cure, I suppose; the only solution would be to just sit there and wait for that awful cause to simply... pass.

Blaming absolutely everything on "oh, it's just puberty" is pretty much like justifying every single instance of female irrationality with PMS🙂.

Nicholas King said:If that were actually true—which, let’s be honest, it isn't—then there is no cure, I suppose; the only solution would be to just sit there and wait for that awful cause to simply... pass.

Blaming absolutely everything on "oh, it's just puberty" is pretty much like justifying every single instance of female irrationality with PMS🙂.

Wait... just sit tight and do nothing? Let a kid steal, scream, go out whenever they feel like it... just tolerate all kinds of nonsense without reacting?

Nah... even if you realize you've been doing it wrong for the last ten years... how would you even fix that? Especially since you're clearly someone who didn't know any better... And let's be real, it's way harder to fix things when the root cause is buried somewhere deep.
I mean... by the time a kid becomes a total wreck, they're already in puberty and stopped listening... so then finding out some specific mistake caused it all... what then? You just "fix" it and suddenly everything is fine? I don't really get how that would actually work in practice.
All I know is once things head down the wrong path, it's incredibly hard to turn them around.
It would be great if someone could give a concrete example of how to actually spot and solve these problems.

Rachel Jones8 said:Wait... just sit tight and do nothing? Let a kid steal, scream, go out whenever they feel like it... just tolerate all kinds of nonsense without reacting?

Nah... even if you realize you've been doing it wrong for the last ten years... how would you even fix that? Especially since you're clearly someone who didn't know any better... And let's be real, it's way harder to fix things when the root cause is buried somewhere deep.
I mean... by the time a kid becomes a total wreck, they're already in puberty and stopped listening... so then finding out some specific mistake caused it all... what then? You just "fix" it and suddenly everything is fine? I don't really get how that would actually work in practice.
All I know is once things head down the wrong path, it's incredibly hard to turn them around.
It would be great if someone could give a concrete example of how to actually spot and solve these problems.

Precisely.

Didn't you claim—if I recall correctly—that "it's just puberty"? Well, if that’s your logic, there isn't exactly a way to "fix" puberty in a child. Unless you happen to know some magical method where a kid goes through puberty and then suddenly... isn't in puberty anymore? Because then, maybe, they wouldn't have an excuse to act like total jerks.

Which part of my sentence "if that's the case—which, obviously, it isn't..." was too complicated for you to grasp?

It all traces back to us parents. It’s an inevitable part of growing up—they develop their own little world, one where we aren't the center of the universe anymore, specifically when they step out into society.
How much they soak up from the culture versus what they learn at home really varies from kid to kid, but I firmly believe that most issues can be smoothed over simply through honest conversation.
To be perfectly blunt, I just cannot wrap my head around parents who see a glaring problem right in front of them and choose to look the other way.
That kind of denial does nothing but sabotage that child's future.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your own mental health first and, of course, getting the kid into therapy; none of us were born knowing everything there is to know about the world.
I certainly wish I had all the answers, but let’s face it, I don't.
It’s actually quite humbling—and a bit frustrating—how often I catch myself saying something, only to realize I'm just echoing the exact words my own parents used to say.

puberty, when does it ever actually end? 🙂🙂

My daughter is 17 now, just stays cooped up inside—which isn't great either, let's be real—but man, her attitude is killing me. Stubborn, thinks she knows everything, holds a grudge like it’s a full-time job, and sets these massive life goals when she hasn't even figured out how to walk straight yet. To her, we’re just those annoying neighbors living in the same house. She’s basically counting down the days until she hits 18 so she can bail and find some place where she doesn't have to look at us.

Then there’s my son. He finished vocational school two years ago and he's still just hanging around the house, hitting up unemployment offices and sending out resumes, but it’s a total wash. They don't even bother calling him back to say "no thanks," they just ghost him. He doesn't go anywhere, just lives on his computer and sleeps, though he does help out with the cleaning and both kids make sure the dog gets walked.

I raised them both pretty much the same way, no real distinction, and with him, you wouldn't even know puberty happened unless you counted the pimples, which cleared up fast. But with her? It's a whole different beast.
With him, I didn't even realize adolescence was a thing, except for the skin stuff, but with her, it's constant.
She asks for advice, but if I give it, I'm "stupid." If I tell her what I think, I'm "too passive." She throws me off balance instantly, and then I end up yelling, and then suddenly *I'm* the one who's wrong again. 🙂
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Nicholas King said:If that were actually true—which, let’s be honest, it isn't—then there is no cure, I suppose; the only solution would be to just sit there and wait for that awful cause to simply... pass.

Blaming absolutely everything on "oh, it's just puberty" is pretty much like justifying every single instance of female irrationality with PMS🙂.

There's nothing to wait for... what if Anne Frank had been dealing with that kind of "puberty"???

ruggednomad5 said:There's nothing to wait for... what if Anne Frank had been dealing with that kind of "puberty"???

It isn't exactly a productive use of time to sit there and obsessively scrutinize everyone else's posts.

what if Anne Frank had been dealing with puberty like this???

What on earth are you talking about? Where did Anne Frank even come from? 😕

Nicholas King said:It isn't exactly a productive use of time to sit there and obsessively scrutinize everyone else's posts.

what if Anne Frank had been dealing with puberty like this???

What on earth are you talking about? Where did Anne Frank even come from? 😕

Look, I agree with you, I was paying attention. 🙂

Anne Frank, that little Jewish girl during WWII...
it's easy to say—they're teenagers, so what if they are? Let their hormones run wild, sure, but that doesn't mean anyone else should have to suffer for it...