Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

velvetskipper8 said:How talkative are your teenagers, say around the 14 or 15-year-old mark? I look at my buddies' kids and some of them—honestly, they just don't shut up. They come home and spill everything about school, who they talked to, where they went, the whole nine yards. Then there's the complete opposite end of the spectrum—the ones who act like talking is physically painful. All I get is "I don't know," "nothing," "fine," and so on. That’s the kid I’ve got. Some coworkers have even confirmed this happened to them with their own kids too, and they basically just say it’s a phase that eventually passes.
I was browsing online looking for some perspective, and everyone seems to be preaching about "finding oneself" during adolescence and the need for parental support without being overbearing or pushy.
I honestly have no clue where the line is for what counts as "normal" behavior, but I certainly don't remember going through some grand period of "searching for myself" when I was that age.

My son is 14, heading into 8th grade... he'll only open up to his friends when they're debating video games... everything else feels like pulling teeth... most kids seem to be this way, and I suspect it's perfectly normal... occasionally, a conversation will drift naturally toward school and what's happening there... that's the only way he'll offer even a shred of information about himself, his friends, or his teachers... but those moments are few and far between...😁
He gets good grades, doesn't cause trouble, and I know that "less is more" when it comes to school social life these days, so I'm not panicking... but I would love it if he actually said something more once in a while...

Hello everyone...

I wouldn't say I have a major issue with my son; quite the opposite, actually...
He's a good kid. He doesn't cause trouble, he excels in school—definitely a straight-A student who stays busy with his hobbies—and he's social, with a solid core group of friends and a wider circle of acquaintances he hangs out with...
Everything seems fine, except for the fact that he can be unbearable at times. Our communication often feels like it's right on the verge of an argument, and it happens constantly...
We are actually quite similar, and we used to have a wonderful relationship... Over the last couple of years, he has become much more independent, which I think is great...
But too often, he just won't listen to what I'm saying. He misses small tasks he needs to handle, messes things up, gets sarcastic, uses provocative language, or acts lazy...

How do you all deal with this?
His behavior really frustrates me. It would mean so much if he just pitched in with daily chores, but whenever I ask him to do something, I have to wait for him to put down his phone or finish his video game...
Is this normal for a 13-year-old?!
I feel like he lacks respect for me, or empathy, or appreciation...
He probably feels the same way, given how hard he fights for his own rights and freedoms 🤔
As much as I love that he is independent, that he has his own opinions, and that he stands up for himself... it is just so difficult to find the right way to preserve the bond and the trust we had until recently...
I suppose I bear some of the blame here. I worked extended hours all summer—I didn't have a choice—even on weekends, and I think he just got used to being without me during that time...

We still play chess occasionally, or talk about a book we're reading, but he doesn't open up to me about everything like he used to 😢

Think back to your last ten arguments: how many of them ended with you just handing him the win just to keep the peace? And honestly, how many times have you actually offered me an apology over the past year?

You sound exactly like one of those parents who insists, "Robert and I aren't just parent and child, we're BEST FRIENDS." Given the situation, Robert is probably losing sleep over the fact that Jacqueline might actually agree to take her bra off, yet she won't even let him touch her below the waist—even when they've had a few drinks. Do you seriously expect him to still come to you with everything?

Nicholas King said:Think back to your last ten arguments: how many of them ended with you just handing him the win just to keep the peace? And honestly, how many times have you actually offered me an apology over the past year?

You sound exactly like one of those parents who insists, "Robert and I aren't just parent and child, we're BEST FRIENDS." Given the situation, Robert is probably losing sleep over the fact that Jacqueline might actually agree to take her bra off, yet she won't even let him touch her below the waist—even when they've had a few drinks. Do you seriously expect him to still come to you with everything?

Talk about a pretty advanced thirteen-year-old.

I wouldn't go that far.

Are you seriously one of those people who believes that an interest in sex just suddenly kicks in once someone hits thirty?

Nicholas King said:I wouldn't go that far.

Are you seriously one of those people who believes that an interest in sex just suddenly kicks in once someone hits thirty?

aaaaaaaaaahhaahahahahhaha

Thirteen-year-olds are definitely getting it on back then, so I'm with Byron on this one—he's spot on.

Nicholas King said:I wouldn't go that far.

Are you seriously one of those people who believes that an interest in sex just suddenly kicks in once someone hits thirty?

Not at all. But honestly, that image of two thirteen-year-olds sharing a drink while he tries to pull her panties down and she plays the part of the innocent maiden? It doesn't sit right with me. It feels a bit sexist, too. At thirteen, it’s way more likely she’d be the one driving the urge to experiment. And let's be real—most likely, they're both just exploring things on their own. 😉

William Myers3 said:Hello everyone...

I wouldn't say I have a major issue with my son; quite the opposite, actually...
He's a good kid. He doesn't cause trouble, he excels in school—definitely a straight-A student who stays busy with his hobbies—and he's social, with a solid core group of friends and a wider circle of acquaintances he hangs out with...
Everything seems fine, except for the fact that he can be unbearable at times. Our communication often feels like it's right on the verge of an argument, and it happens constantly...
We are actually quite similar, and we used to have a wonderful relationship... Over the last couple of years, he has become much more independent, which I think is great...
But too often, he just won't listen to what I'm saying. He misses small tasks he needs to handle, messes things up, gets sarcastic, uses provocative language, or acts lazy...

How do you all deal with this?
His behavior really frustrates me. It would mean so much if he just pitched in with daily chores, but whenever I ask him to do something, I have to wait for him to put down his phone or finish his video game...
Is this normal for a 13-year-old?!
I feel like he lacks respect for me, or empathy, or appreciation...
He probably feels the same way, given how hard he fights for his own rights and freedoms 🤔
As much as I love that he is independent, that he has his own opinions, and that he stands up for himself... it is just so difficult to find the right way to preserve the bond and the trust we had until recently...
I suppose I bear some of the blame here. I worked extended hours all summer—I didn't have a choice—even on weekends, and I think he just got used to being without me during that time...

We still play chess occasionally, or talk about a book we're reading, but he doesn't open up to me about everything like he used to 😢

How much screen time does your kid get daily? And how closely are you monitoring what they're actually doing online?

Give me a break.

It seems like nowadays, every single issue in elementary school gets slapped with an ADHD diagnosis, and if a teenager acts out, you can just blame the internet and call it a day.

Honestly, it turns out being a parent has never been easier—if you believe all the nonsense being pushed lately.

@Lord Byron, give it a rest with the trolling. 🙂

Look, nobody’s out here claiming the internet is the sole reason teenagers act out. I only asked the author a question because of something she mentioned in her own post, but it feels like she just went off on a tangent. There’s really no point in wasting any more of our energy on it.

hiddendriver34 said:@Lord Byron, give it a rest with the trolling. 🙂

Look, nobody’s out here claiming the internet is the sole reason teenagers act out. I only asked the author a question because of something she mentioned in her own post, but it feels like she just went off on a tangent. There’s really no point in wasting any more of our energy on it.

As for how much time he spends online when I'm out of the house, I suppose I can't say for sure... probably quite a bit.
When I am home, I try to manage his screen time or perhaps just the specific types of activities he's doing... though it's a little difficult, given that he's into programming and often works on school projects...
He doesn't play video games very much (he seems to prefer building them instead)...

I'm insisting that he stays active in sports; that leaves him with less free time for the internet, even if he has scaled back on his practice sessions lately...

Nicholas King said:Think back to your last ten arguments: how many of them ended with you just handing him the win just to keep the peace? And honestly, how many times have you actually offered me an apology over the past year?

You sound exactly like one of those parents who insists, "Robert and I aren't just parent and child, we're BEST FRIENDS." Given the situation, Robert is probably losing sleep over the fact that Jacqueline might actually agree to take her bra off, yet she won't even let him touch her below the waist—even when they've had a few drinks. Do you seriously expect him to still come to you with everything?

Actually, I apologize quite regularly if I've made a mistake. It happens; I'm only human, after all... I don't find it difficult to admit that.
He apologizes too, whenever he goes too far, once he's had a moment to cool off...

I am aware that he has friends he discusses these topics with (I know his friends, I encourage them to hang out, and I'm in touch with other parents, so that part has been fine for the last year or two)...
The issue arises when he "forgets" to tell me things, like when the bank called or if there's a PTA meeting I need to attend... (And then at that meeting, I find out he achieved something significant, something the other parents seem to know about much more than I do...)
He just says it doesn't matter, or that he forgot to mention it, and so on...

Quincy, my little one is thirteen, and at that age, boys are really just scratching the surface of puberty, which means there aren't many topics they actually feel the need to hide behind a veil of privacy. It’s simply what everyone does—we gloss over our childhood nonsense and downplay our obvious mistakes. It is perfectly normal behavior.

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily pin this on puberty; true adolescent rebellion, where one decides they are entirely in control of their own life, usually waits about three or four years down the road. Boys tend to lag behind girls in that regard.

The boy has grown bold. You likely didn't set firm boundaries early enough, perhaps assuming that his tone and choice of words were merely fleeting outbursts of frustration that wouldn't recur. However, it has since become a habit. When he behaves unacceptably, there must be an immediate consequence. Usually, the most effective methods are those that don't feel like an attack on the child—simply taking away the phone or the PlayStation. For more serious offenses, you restrict internet access and social outings that aren't strictly related to school or sports.

analogseal18 said:Quincy, my little one is thirteen, and at that age, boys are really just scratching the surface of puberty, which means there aren't many topics they actually feel the need to hide behind a veil of privacy. It’s simply what everyone does—we gloss over our childhood nonsense and downplay our obvious mistakes. It is perfectly normal behavior.

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily pin this on puberty; true adolescent rebellion, where one decides they are entirely in control of their own life, usually waits about three or four years down the road. Boys tend to lag behind girls in that regard.

The boy has grown bold. You likely didn't set firm boundaries early enough, perhaps assuming that his tone and choice of words were merely fleeting outbursts of frustration that wouldn't recur. However, it has since become a habit. When he behaves unacceptably, there must be an immediate consequence. Usually, the most effective methods are those that don't feel like an attack on the child—simply taking away the phone or the PlayStation. For more serious offenses, you restrict internet access and social outings that aren't strictly related to school or sports.

God, I absolutely loathe this kind of instant punishment approach to parenting.

Taking away a phone or any of those other heavy-handed, ridiculous tactics you're suggesting—it’s definitely going to destroy whatever scraps of a relationship are left at this point. This is just your textbook "as long as you're living under my roof, blah blah blah" parent archetype; people who clearly lack the intellectual capacity to establish authority through actual reasoning, so they resort to the good old-fashioned "might makes right" strategy. Honestly, I suppose even evolution had the grace to move past physical discipline—now we just have to take things away, impose sanctions, and try to crush their spirit through other means—even though, based on everything described here, the kid seems perfectly fine.

And where on earth did you get the notion that stripping a kid of their phone or using these other methods won't feel insulting to them?

To top it all off, one absolute gem after another: where exactly are you getting the idea that true adolescent rebellion doesn't even start until someone hits seventeen???

Nicholas King said:God, I absolutely loathe this kind of instant punishment approach to parenting.

Taking away a phone or any of those other heavy-handed, ridiculous tactics you're suggesting—it’s definitely going to destroy whatever scraps of a relationship are left at this point. This is just your textbook "as long as you're living under my roof, blah blah blah" parent archetype; people who clearly lack the intellectual capacity to establish authority through actual reasoning, so they resort to the good old-fashioned "might makes right" strategy. Honestly, I suppose even evolution had the grace to move past physical discipline—now we just have to take things away, impose sanctions, and try to crush their spirit through other means—even though, based on everything described here, the kid seems perfectly fine.

And where on earth did you get the notion that stripping a kid of their phone or using these other methods won't feel insulting to them?

To top it all off, one absolute gem after another: where exactly are you getting the idea that true adolescent rebellion doesn't even start until someone hits seventeen???

it's all over the internet🍿
and people are talking about it everywhere🐔

analogseal18 said:Quincy, my little one is thirteen, and at that age, boys are really just scratching the surface of puberty, which means there aren't many topics they actually feel the need to hide behind a veil of privacy. It’s simply what everyone does—we gloss over our childhood nonsense and downplay our obvious mistakes. It is perfectly normal behavior.

Personally, I wouldn't necessarily pin this on puberty; true adolescent rebellion, where one decides they are entirely in control of their own life, usually waits about three or four years down the road. Boys tend to lag behind girls in that regard.

The boy has grown bold. You likely didn't set firm boundaries early enough, perhaps assuming that his tone and choice of words were merely fleeting outbursts of frustration that wouldn't recur. However, it has since become a habit. When he behaves unacceptably, there must be an immediate consequence. Usually, the most effective methods are those that don't feel like an attack on the child—simply taking away the phone or the PlayStation. For more serious offenses, you restrict internet access and social outings that aren't strictly related to school or sports.

I honestly think the real issue here isn't his behavior, but rather that she feels like she’s lost that special bond she once had with her son.

If you two were super close while he was growing up, and now he’s in that phase where "parents are the enemy," hang in there. I truly believe that closeness will come back once he matures a bit more. He's growing up, and there's nothing you can do to stop that clock.

What you *can* do is insist that he handles his chores—hand him a printed list if you have to.😁 Definitely make it clear that he needs to speak to you respectfully (just like you do with him) and follow the house rules you deem necessary.

Always let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you're always in his corner. And give him that space and privacy that doesn't necessarily need to involve you.

Nicholas King, I am forty-five years old, I have firsthand experience as a parent, and I have quite a few female friends who have navigated the absolute chaos that comes with their teenagers.
Since you are male, why don't you take a moment to reflect on your own teenage antics—back when you were thirteen or seventeen—and tell me there truly isn't a difference? Are you going to claim you were having sex at thirteen, shaving daily, or skipping school for an entire month because you were suddenly too "intellectual" for such a trivial institution, or perhaps that you already possessed a sophisticated palate for alcohol and drugs? I might be exaggerating slightly, but the reality remains that most boys at that age are merely scratching the surface of puberty; they haven't even reached that stage of true rebellion or demonstrated any actual autonomy.
Furthermore, one must consider that the testosterone levels in the average thirteen-year-old remain relatively low, which serves as a biological indicator of where they stand in the developmental process.

To be blatantly disrespectful toward one's parents or to ignore the fundamental rules of the household is a clear sign of disrespect, and in my house, a child behaving that way would see their privileges vanish instantly. A smartphone or a PlayStation are luxuries, certainly, but they are by no means basic childhood rights. One must always ask themselves: if a child acts this way in front of their parents, how do they behave when no adult is watching? It isn't as if the world will end for a kid just because they lose access to their electronics due to their own poor conduct.

Look, you have some parenting experience and a few friends to back you up. I suppose all that collective "wisdom" you gained during childbirth suddenly turns you all into unquestionable authorities—as if having a couple of kids makes your tiny sample size statistically significant.

In short, your comments are clearly just a projection of your own parenting style rather than an actual response to the situation described. The best proof is how you’re fixated on some supposed "vocabulary" issue that warrants punishment, whereas my colleague only mentioned sarcasm and being argumentative. Her primary struggle is actually just dealing with the fact that her child is growing up—at the end of the day, the drama boils down to forgetting instructions (not that there aren't other issues, but it’s telling that she mentioned such a relatively minor thing), yet you’re out here advocating for the go-to weapon of those who brag about "parenting experience" as a credential: brute force. It’s always going to be "He won't listen to ME..." or "I'll show HIM..."—the devil is always in the delivery 😬.

Furthermore, I simply refuse to engage with someone who—by completely failing to understand how any display of dominance would absolutely wreck the relationship IN THIS SPECIFIC CASE—has essentially sabotaged the entire string of positive behaviors my colleague wrote about by starting a totally unnecessary war.

BTW, don't bother trying to figure me out; I have zero interest in disclosing my age or whether or not I possess that "crucial" parenting experience you value so much.

I am not exactly exerting myself by typing; rather, it serves as a form of relaxation for me while my steaks are simmering on the stove. Furthermore, no one inquired about your age or your level of experience; the prompt merely asked you to recall who you were at thirteen years old. If you find such a task disagreeable, then you simply need not participate. 🙂

It is quite evident that his childish behavior is what troubles his wife, otherwise, why would she be writing this? And if the issue lies in the process of growing up—well, yes, one matures from day one until reaching full adulthood, and surely the concept of a child growing up, along with all its various developmental phases, should not be some novel phenomenon to her.

Is it actually possible for kids to be completely unaware of how they’re acting? Because whenever I point out that he was being disrespectful, for instance, he flat-out denies it...
I can certainly accept that he’s going through a phase of change, but there really is a limit to the outbursts I am willing to tolerate...
Punishments haven't exactly proven to be effective here in the States... Although, limiting screen time does work to some extent, because I just don't think it's normal for him to be glued to the internet all day long...
I tried explaining the whole concept of "equality" to him. Okay, fine, he wants equality? No problem at all, but he gets the responsibilities and accountability that come in the package too. 😉
I felt that was a fair approach, and it seemed to work initially, but after two days—and once a few minor chores around the house were added to the mix—he decided he wasn't actually that interested in us being equals...

His excuse for the verbal outbursts is that he just can't control himself in the moment, especially when we are arguing about something he feels strongly about...
So, I asked him if he would react that same way with, say, a teacher or anyone else... He wouldn't...
He stopped to think about it...