Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

I honestly don't know what I'd even do with these messages if I read them all at once. I’d probably end up talking a mile a minute out of pure nerves, and we all know that wouldn't end well.

But what did you actually gain from that? If she didn't tell you now, she won't tell you next time either—if anything, she’ll just trust you even less.
And once she realizes you're reading her messages, she'll start deleting them, so you'll end up finding out the hard way next time.

Exactly. That’s certainly not doing them any favors.
And because of this, kids are just flocking to Snapchat. So, there you have it...

Please don't let the moms on here crucify me, I just wanted to weigh in since I'm just the auntie in this situation... 😁
I honestly can't wrap my head around this new generation. I don't know if it’s how they're being raised, just the era we live in, or if she’s just hitting that weird middle school phase...
My sister's kid, she's in 7th grade. She used to be such a sweet, talkative little thing, really bright and social for her age. Now ☕heaven forbid, she's a different person. She won't hang out with anyone—or rather, she claims nobody wants to be her friend. Apparently, the only people worth knowing are those obnoxious influencers, and every other word out of her mouth sounds like she’s declaring war on society 🥱
She’s on her cell phone for 18 hours a day, and her diet is basically nothing but fast food, meat, or sugar. Zero vegetables. Her absolute favorite thing in the world is grabbing a sandwich.
There's no physical activity at all; even walking a single mile feels like a marathon to her. And yeah, the weight is definitely creeping up.

Everything at school is "boring" to her. She went to a local youth club meeting, something meant for socializing, and even though the girl there introduced herself three times, she couldn't even bother to remember her name. She was just like, "I mean, I've only seen her three times in my life."
The only things that actually matter to her are her cell phone and her headphones.
Her pace of everything—walking, getting dressed, changing clothes—is about the speed of a snail...
Hygiene is non-existent. You practically have to drag her into the shower, and brushing her teeth isn't even a habit. I actually caught her just putting toothpaste in her mouth and spitting it out just so she'd smell minty...
Kids in her class keep asking why she changed her hair, saying she looked better before, and she takes that as a total insult to her soul.
If her mom says something, or if I ask her a question, she acts like we're personally attacking her?! 🤔
I'm honestly lost on how to deal with a kid like this, and it’s pretty jarring seeing how much she's flipped from just a few years ago...
But what really keeps me up at night is the eating habits and the weight, because she's already starting to run into actual health issues.

lonegull13 said:Please don't let the moms on here crucify me, I just wanted to weigh in since I'm just the auntie in this situation... 😁
I honestly can't wrap my head around this new generation. I don't know if it’s how they're being raised, just the era we live in, or if she’s just hitting that weird middle school phase...
My sister's kid, she's in 7th grade. She used to be such a sweet, talkative little thing, really bright and social for her age. Now ☕heaven forbid, she's a different person. She won't hang out with anyone—or rather, she claims nobody wants to be her friend. Apparently, the only people worth knowing are those obnoxious influencers, and every other word out of her mouth sounds like she’s declaring war on society 🥱
She’s on her cell phone for 18 hours a day, and her diet is basically nothing but fast food, meat, or sugar. Zero vegetables. Her absolute favorite thing in the world is grabbing a sandwich.
There's no physical activity at all; even walking a single mile feels like a marathon to her. And yeah, the weight is definitely creeping up.

Everything at school is "boring" to her. She went to a local youth club meeting, something meant for socializing, and even though the girl there introduced herself three times, she couldn't even bother to remember her name. She was just like, "I mean, I've only seen her three times in my life."
The only things that actually matter to her are her cell phone and her headphones.
Her pace of everything—walking, getting dressed, changing clothes—is about the speed of a snail...
Hygiene is non-existent. You practically have to drag her into the shower, and brushing her teeth isn't even a habit. I actually caught her just putting toothpaste in her mouth and spitting it out just so she'd smell minty...
Kids in her class keep asking why she changed her hair, saying she looked better before, and she takes that as a total insult to her soul.
If her mom says something, or if I ask her a question, she acts like we're personally attacking her?! 🤔
I'm honestly lost on how to deal with a kid like this, and it’s pretty jarring seeing how much she's flipped from just a few years ago...
But what really keeps me up at night is the eating habits and the weight, because she's already starting to run into actual health issues.

Nobody is going to crucify you. My 7th grader is almost exactly the same. If she weren't playing sports, the weight issue would be identical too. Everything else is more or less the same. Even the hygiene part.

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I’m not really sure where else to post this except here. It feels pretty much like typical teenage drama...
I have an eighth grader at home who usually doesn't deal with much in the way of standard puberty issues. School is fine, life is okay, we work through things... it's manageable.
Everything was going smoothly until one day in early September when I caught the smell of smoke on her coming inside. I went full detective mode—trying to figure out the where, the what, the how—and eventually, she confessed. It wasn't even her smoking; it was her best friend. I've known this girl since they were in preschool, to the point where I'm actually on good terms with her mom. We run into each other at coffee shops and stuff. Honestly, I've known the whole family forever, even the dad, though they've been divorced for a while now.
But back to the point: during our talk, it came out that this friend really went off the deep end over summer break, even though she'd apparently experimented with cigarettes before. From what I gather, she spent about a month and a half staying with her grandma out in California, where she could basically do whatever she wanted. That’s apparently when things spiraled and she started buying cigarettes—or having them bought for her, it doesn't really matter. Long story short, the kid is smoking right in front of the grandparents, and definitely in front of her mom. Maybe not in front of her dad since they live apart, but she's doing it around him.
Is this all just part of my daughter's puberty, or is it tied to the divorce, which can be so tough on kids this age? Or who knows... I can't say anything bad about that child, let alone my own. And I can't say anything bad about the mother either, since I've known her for years.
What worries me as a parent is the influence factor. Kids are so tightly bonded, and I don't want to—and shouldn't—try to drive a wedge between them. But I still can't sleep soundly, despite all the talks we've had and all the reassurances that she wouldn't even dream of starting to smoke because she hates the smell and all that.
I don't want to meddle in other people's business or judge someone else's kids or parenting. But I can be genuinely worried, and I can try to steer my own daughter away from that path, but that's really all I can do. Has anyone else here dealt with something similar? How do you handle this without feeling like a hypocrite? I ask because I smoke myself, though I make a huge effort never to do it in front of her. I know I'm not exactly a perfect role model, but I personally didn't pick up smoking until college, mostly just out of sheer stupidity... back when I was fourteen or fifteen, the idea of smoking never even crossed my mind.

She isn't you, though. For all we know, she might not even head off to college and start picking up the habit there...
And honestly, you’ve hit the nail on the head. You can worry all you want, and you can spend every single day lecturing her about how it ruins your health, how much it stinks, how expensive it is, or just how much you personally can't stand it. You can tell her she'll have plenty of time for bad habits when she's older, or that her body is still developing right now—blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, you can't actually force her hand. I really feel like pushing her too hard or demanding she answer every single question you throw at her isn't going to get you anywhere. A cigarette isn't the end of the world (assuming she tries one rather than making it a daily thing), but it's probably worth keeping up the dialogue about why it's unhealthy. You don't want her thinking you just don't care, especially since she's bound to run into things way more dangerous than a cigarette sooner or later.

silentmason4 said:She isn't you, though. For all we know, she might not even head off to college and start picking up the habit there...
And honestly, you’ve hit the nail on the head. You can worry all you want, and you can spend every single day lecturing her about how it ruins your health, how much it stinks, how expensive it is, or just how much you personally can't stand it. You can tell her she'll have plenty of time for bad habits when she's older, or that her body is still developing right now—blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, you can't actually force her hand. I really feel like pushing her too hard or demanding she answer every single question you throw at her isn't going to get you anywhere. A cigarette isn't the end of the world (assuming she tries one rather than making it a daily thing), but it's probably worth keeping up the dialogue about why it's unhealthy. You don't want her thinking you just don't care, especially since she's bound to run into things way more dangerous than a cigarette sooner or later.

Out of everything you mentioned, what scares me most is just... the fear. The realization that for the first time ever, I have absolutely no control over her. Then I think, if everything you said is true, maybe I shouldn't be trying to control her at all. Maybe I should just trust her common sense... assuming they even have any at that age. I don't even know what I'd say to her mom. I'm not sure if it even makes sense to comment, especially since we've been friends for so many years. I don't want this to sound like I'm judging her or criticizing her parenting. I already know any conversation would just be awkward, because parents usually end up making a thousand excuses for their own mistakes. And I know it can't be easy raising a teenager as a single mom, especially without the support of a traditional family setup.
She could easily snap back at me: "Girl, if my daughter ends up smelling like smoke, she'll probably have picked it up from you before she ever did it from mine!"
Honestly... I wouldn't even bring it up. She probably has enough on her plate as it is. And even though this is spinning around in my head, the actual problem belongs to someone else, not me. I have to step back. Trust your kid. I keep telling myself that...
You said, Lenina: it's not the end of the world if she tries it.
...or maybe she's already tried something even more certain. Still, it feels way too early for middle school. If she could just wait until high school, life would be a lot easier...

Larry Gonzalez83 said:I’m not really sure where else to post this except here. It feels pretty much like typical teenage drama...
I have an eighth grader at home who usually doesn't deal with much in the way of standard puberty issues. School is fine, life is okay, we work through things... it's manageable.
Everything was going smoothly until one day in early September when I caught the smell of smoke on her coming inside. I went full detective mode—trying to figure out the where, the what, the how—and eventually, she confessed. It wasn't even her smoking; it was her best friend. I've known this girl since they were in preschool, to the point where I'm actually on good terms with her mom. We run into each other at coffee shops and stuff. Honestly, I've known the whole family forever, even the dad, though they've been divorced for a while now.
But back to the point: during our talk, it came out that this friend really went off the deep end over summer break, even though she'd apparently experimented with cigarettes before. From what I gather, she spent about a month and a half staying with her grandma out in California, where she could basically do whatever she wanted. That’s apparently when things spiraled and she started buying cigarettes—or having them bought for her, it doesn't really matter. Long story short, the kid is smoking right in front of the grandparents, and definitely in front of her mom. Maybe not in front of her dad since they live apart, but she's doing it around him.
Is this all just part of my daughter's puberty, or is it tied to the divorce, which can be so tough on kids this age? Or who knows... I can't say anything bad about that child, let alone my own. And I can't say anything bad about the mother either, since I've known her for years.
What worries me as a parent is the influence factor. Kids are so tightly bonded, and I don't want to—and shouldn't—try to drive a wedge between them. But I still can't sleep soundly, despite all the talks we've had and all the reassurances that she wouldn't even dream of starting to smoke because she hates the smell and all that.
I don't want to meddle in other people's business or judge someone else's kids or parenting. But I can be genuinely worried, and I can try to steer my own daughter away from that path, but that's really all I can do. Has anyone else here dealt with something similar? How do you handle this without feeling like a hypocrite? I ask because I smoke myself, though I make a huge effort never to do it in front of her. I know I'm not exactly a perfect role model, but I personally didn't pick up smoking until college, mostly just out of sheer stupidity... back when I was fourteen or fifteen, the idea of smoking never even crossed my mind.

In your last paragraph, you pretty much gave yourself the answer.
If you raised her well, she will defend herself against cigarettes and even worse things when faced with peer pressure.
But, well, you smoke and you're telling her how bad and unhealthy it is. Start with yourself and lead by example.

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If my kid ends up doing even a third of the crazy stuff I did back in the day, man, I am in trouble. Honestly, looking back, I turned out pretty decent—just a regular, responsible adult.

It’s funny how you look at your younger self through a different lens now. Like, oh my god, what was I thinking? What could have gone wrong? It actually scares me a little to think my kid might make those same ridiculous mistakes.

But then again, that’s just growing up. It’s that stage where you finally taste freedom and start experimenting. You want to feel grown-up and do "adult" things...

As long as it stays within reason, doesn't tank their grades, and I still trust them, let them explore. I make sure they get all the facts from me—everything from why smoking is a bad idea to safe sex. That's it. I’d be way more worried if I stifled that whole experience. I remember seeing kids whose parents kept them on such a tight leash; we used to look at them with so much pity and envy.

She actually asked me once what I'd say if I found out she lit up a joint. And I told her, "Sweetie, next time, bring it to Mom first so I can check the quality." 🤷

Jason Ortiz5, I’m pretty much on the exact same page as you. When my eleven-year-old kid mentioned wanting to try a cigarette, I actually grabbed one from a friend who smokes, lit it up, and let him have a puff. Everyone around us thought I was pulling some genius reverse psychology stunt, but honestly? I just wanted to satisfy his curiosity right then and there. 🤷 It’s the same deal as when he told me he was dying to try sushi—I just went out and bought some sushi.

At the end of the day, we can't really control the choices they make. If we spend all our energy trying to micromanage them, all we're doing is teaching them how to be better at hiding things from us.

If my kid ends up picking up smoking, I’d just hope it’s a passing phase. 🤷 But hey, if he decides that’s how he wants to live his life forever, I guess I'll just have to learn to live with that, too.

And it’s not just about that. Keeping them on a super short leash can totally wreck their trust in you. I mean, look, whatever happens, I know she’s going to come to me first for help or some solid advice. If I start acting like a gatekeeper and shutting her out, who knows how bad things could get? Kids are smart—they'll just do whatever they want anyway, they'll just get better at hiding it from their parents and lying through their teeth. Anything is better than that kind of distance.

Edit: Oops, just realized I basically repeated exactly what you said. I think I need another cup of coffee. 😁

So, here’s an update on my situation from yesterday.
My conscience just wouldn't let it go... I had to get it off my chest, and honestly, I think I ended up saying way more than I should have.
After reading what hiddendriver34 wrote, I decided to try a different approach.
We were just hanging out at home yesterday morning, and I brought up the whole cigarette thing again. But this time, I kept it chill. I acted like I didn't care if some other girls at school smoke, or even if they have kids or parents involved... I just needed her to be honest with me if she was doing it herself. I tried to be subtle, no yelling, no being "that" parent... I was acting calm on the outside, but inside, I was a total wreck.
I pulled out my own pack, lit one up—which I almost never do at home—and just set them on the table in front of her. I told her she could have one if she wanted. Silence. Just a solid minute or two of nothing. She just stared at her phone.
Then, acting totally casual, she pulls a cigarette out of the pack and lights it.
In my head, it felt like every volcano on Earth just erupted at once. My heart started racing like crazy. Well, you asked for it... now you've got it. But I knew I had to see this through. I spent a few minutes trying to pull myself together. I asked her how long this had been going on. She told me she tried it for the first time at a friend's house, then took a break, then started smoking more over the summer, and since August, she's been a daily smoker.
That friend gets cigarettes from her mom, so I didn't even have to ask where she was getting them... I figured she was just swiping them. That’s actually the least of my worries right now.
She finished that one cigarette right there in the dining room, stubbed it out, and left me in complete shock—even though I was trying so hard to act like I had everything under control. Truth is, I feel even more lost than before. Then my husband walked in from the yard, so I just dropped the subject entirely.
Now I'm just stuck. What am I supposed to do? She's only 14 and a half. I played with fire and I definitely got burned... I went looking for answers and just ended up making things worse. Did I win anything here? Or did I lose? I couldn't sleep for half the night. Once they start lighting up right in front of you, there's no going back. I really don't know how to handle this now. Has anyone else gone through this?!

@Larry Gonzalez83, look, let's be real here. Don't act like you don't care. First off, find a quiet moment—something chill where you won't be interrupted—to actually talk to her. Tell her straight up that you're heartbroken she started smoking. Honestly? Tell her it feels like a personal failure on your part because you're worried your own habits might have rubbed off on her. That’s what’s eating at you. Let her know you really hope this isn't a lifelong thing for her. And hey, make it clear you aren't trying to play parent or control her; you want her to be able to be honest with you without fear, and you respect her autonomy. Just lay out the facts—maybe even write them down so they stick—and tell her that if she ever decides she wants to quit, you're right there to help her through it.

Don't go in there lecturing her. Just talk. Listen closely to what she's going through and try to wrap your head around why she's picking up the habit in the first place.
It might also be a good idea to make the house a smoke-free zone. (I noticed you're smoking indoors too—what about everyone else in the house? Are the kids stuck breathing in secondhand smoke for the rest of their lives?)

The younger you start, the harder the toll on your body. Here are a few heavy hitters on why quitting is the move.

You'll feel so much better—smoking absolutely trashes your lung capacity.
You're going to save a massive amount of cash.
You'll look way better. The chemicals in cigarettes mess with your blood flow, which hits your skin hard. Smokers often end up with premature wrinkles and saggy skin by their mid-20s.
Quitting helps save the planet. Deforestation driven by tobacco production accounts for nearly 5% of all forest loss in developing nations.
Someone who picks up the habit at 15 is three times more likely to die from cancer than someone who waits until their mid-20s to start.
The earlier you start, the more damage your body carries into adulthood.
Being a non-smoker makes you instantly more attractive. Most people would much rather kiss someone who doesn't smoke.
Smoking can wreck your fertility, and for women, it spikes the risk of complications during pregnancy and childbirth. Plus, babies of smokers are at a higher risk for SIDS.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/quit-sm...der-18s-guide/

Larry Gonzalez83 said:So, here’s an update on my situation from yesterday.
My conscience just wouldn't let it go... I had to get it off my chest, and honestly, I think I ended up saying way more than I should have.
After reading what hiddendriver34 wrote, I decided to try a different approach.
We were just hanging out at home yesterday morning, and I brought up the whole cigarette thing again. But this time, I kept it chill. I acted like I didn't care if some other girls at school smoke, or even if they have kids or parents involved... I just needed her to be honest with me if she was doing it herself. I tried to be subtle, no yelling, no being "that" parent... I was acting calm on the outside, but inside, I was a total wreck.
I pulled out my own pack, lit one up—which I almost never do at home—and just set them on the table in front of her. I told her she could have one if she wanted. Silence. Just a solid minute or two of nothing. She just stared at her phone.
Then, acting totally casual, she pulls a cigarette out of the pack and lights it.
In my head, it felt like every volcano on Earth just erupted at once. My heart started racing like crazy. Well, you asked for it... now you've got it. But I knew I had to see this through. I spent a few minutes trying to pull myself together. I asked her how long this had been going on. She told me she tried it for the first time at a friend's house, then took a break, then started smoking more over the summer, and since August, she's been a daily smoker.
That friend gets cigarettes from her mom, so I didn't even have to ask where she was getting them... I figured she was just swiping them. That’s actually the least of my worries right now.
She finished that one cigarette right there in the dining room, stubbed it out, and left me in complete shock—even though I was trying so hard to act like I had everything under control. Truth is, I feel even more lost than before. Then my husband walked in from the yard, so I just dropped the subject entirely.
Now I'm just stuck. What am I supposed to do? She's only 14 and a half. I played with fire and I definitely got burned... I went looking for answers and just ended up making things worse. Did I win anything here? Or did I lose? I couldn't sleep for half the night. Once they start lighting up right in front of you, there's no going back. I really don't know how to handle this now. Has anyone else gone through this?!

Well, I started smoking back in freshman year of high school. Not anymore, though. Basically, my parents forbade it and constantly lectured me about how unhealthy it was and how I might die, blah, blah, blah. At the same time, there wasn't a single room in our house where people weren't smoking; the ashtrays were always overflowing. And my mother, despite everything, works in healthcare. Back then, it just seemed so hypocritical. If they hadn't been smoking, maybe I wouldn't have started.
Regarding your situation, just bite the bullet and accept it. There isn't much you can realistically do. If you try to forbid it like they did to me, she'll just go smoke outside. Besides, you aren't exactly a perfect role model.

I didn't really pick up the smoking habit until high school—kind of late, actually, right around graduation. My parents were basically my suppliers; they’d buy me packs just to keep the peace, with my dad always saying things like, "Well, if you're going to spend my money anyway, we might as well do it this way so it costs less"—he used to get his connections from some guys working trucking routes out of Canada to get the cheaper stuff. I was actually allowed to smoke at home, too, though with caveats. I couldn't do it in the room I shared with my sister because, you know, "you don't smoke where you sleep," so that was off-limits. They’d nag me about how unhealthy it was every now and then—mostly my dad since he doesn't smoke, while my mom would just roll her eyes and light one up herself just to take the edge off 😬—but that was pretty much the extent of it.
If they hadn't been footing the bill for my cigarettes, I probably would've just spent that lunch money on breakfast instead. And if they hadn't let me smoke in the house, I honestly would've just spent way more time wandering around somewhere else. It's not like it would have made me smoke less or, heaven forbid, quit altogether.
Just thought I'd offer another perspective.

Growing up, smoking inside was just a totally normal part of life. If someone came over to visit, my non-smoking parents wouldn't even blink—they’d just hand them an ashtray like it was the most natural thing in the world. These days? I can't even wrap my head around it; it feels completely out of line. Even the few smokers I know personally now strictly stick to the balcony.

Being the smart one in the room is exhausting because everyone requires a different kind of persuasion. I was already experimenting with cigarettes back in elementary school, hiding my packs inside flower pots just to keep them out of sight. It was mostly just a reckless little phase. After that, I’d only smoke sporadically during those ridiculous stages of life where you aren't quite sure what you're trying to prove to yourself. Peer pressure never really worked on me; if I'm going to do something stupid, I tend to do it entirely on my own terms. My second brush with smoking happened sometime in my thirties—it lasted maybe two months, and then it was over.

The truth is, cigarettes are just awful for me. My fingers smell like ash, I feel terrible afterward, and I eventually realized there was absolutely no point to any of it. Vanity actually played a role here; I had no desire to let nicotine accelerate my aging process, so I quit. Maybe you could try a similar angle? Point out what smoking does to teeth, skin, and hair, or how much it contributes to wrinkles. When you talk to a healthy teenager about "health," they usually tune you out because they feel invincible, but girls that age are starting to care deeply about their appearance, so that might actually hit home.

As for whether parents who smoke influence their kids, I don't think there's a set rule for that. My mother used to smoke (she quit a few years ago), while my father never touched the stuff. I don't smoke, my husband smokes like a chimney—he's tried to quit a few times, but he hasn't stuck with it—and our son is currently in his teens, though he doesn't seem interested in cigarettes at all.

#Kakadu, skyfall, hatter
First off, thanks for all the comments... they’re really helping me clear my head.
My mood keeps swinging from pure anger to just accepting the facts—realizing this kind of thing happens all the time in America, and there are plenty of bigger issues out there than smoking... just trying to find some comfort in that.
I honestly could have seen this coming a long time ago. Even though she kept insisting at first that only her friend was the smoker, I just had this gut feeling that something wasn't right.
Regarding the comments about secondhand smoke, I should say that, at least on my end, there hasn't been any exposure. If I smoke, I do it on the balcony or occasionally by the dining room window. My husband quit three years ago. As far as being a role model goes... yeah, I definitely blame myself, no doubt about it. I won't even get into whether she would've started just because of outside influence or if the fault lies solely with me.
So, bad example? Yes. Secondhand smoke exposure? Not in our house, anyway.
I'm not quite ready to have a serious talk with her yet, and my husband is home today, but I know we need to have this conversation as soon as possible. I need to carefully plan what to say and figure out how to redefine our relationship... I still don't even know where to set boundaries, assuming I'm even in a position to set them.
@Cleopatra, thank you.
I appreciate the thought that she's already past the "just trying it out" phase, based on what I saw yesterday. I'd be so much happier if I knew this was just an experimental phase and she'd stop eventually. Until then, I have so much to define, and I just don't know how to carry myself. Everything feels so new. Aside from that one cigarette yesterday and a few blunt words exchanged between us, it's all still such a mystery to me.
Thanks everyone for the support... I really needed someone to talk to about this!

Cornu, the absolute worst move you can make is hitting them with that "Are you even sane?" routine followed by yelling. Once you do that, they just flip their "defiance" switch, and suddenly a tiny little disagreement turns into a total avalanche.

Anyway, just stay chill. Don't go on a whole lecture, either. Keep it short and sweet.

Speaking from experience, my niece is in her sophomore year of high school. She isn't a troublemaker, but she definitely has those moments where she tests the limits—so trust me, I get it. I'm still learning how to handle these things myself. It’s always way easier to play the wise adult when it's someone else's problem. 😁