Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Larry Gonzalez83 said:Like I mentioned before, this whole thing just seemed to pop up out of nowhere. At first, I didn't even suspect anything, but then it hit me—this wasn't some one-time slip-up. It’s clearly been going on for months... Whether I handled it perfectly or not, I just wanted to clear the air regarding the smoking situation right away. And honestly, thanks to the ladies on here for all the support and advice.
There isn't really a one-size-fits-all solution for how to handle this, since no two kids are the same, and no two parents are the same either.
We basically "accepted" the unfortunate smoking habit from about two or three weeks ago... I can't say I'm exactly thrilled with how it all wrapped up. Then again, if I had just ignored it, nothing else of importance would have actually changed in our little lives.
Don't get me wrong, she’s only having one, maybe two, maybe three cigarettes a day, and there are days when she doesn't smoke at all. Naturally, my first instinct was to just look the other way. Last week she had a pack, this week it's another one. I don't even comment on it anymore; I'm just over it. It almost feels like she was actually smoking more when it was "forbidden fruit," sneaking around with that friend of hers whenever she felt like it.
If she keeps this up, we'll see...
@Sarah Hall53, I know how easy it is to go through a whole pack a day... Still, speaking from experience, even during my worst phases, I never went over 10... and yet, I could never quite quit them, no matter how hard I tried.

I just noticed this part. Honestly, what you're describing sounds more like teenage posturing than a genuine addiction. Girls often just play around with it for the aesthetic. I remember when I started—even though I was older—I wasn't even inhaling for months; I was just puffing and moving the cigarette from hand to hand. Real dependency didn't hit me until much later, a few months after I actually started smoking properly.
My advice is to sit down with your daughter once more and talk about whether this is actual smoking or just an act. If she's only having one or none, logic suggests she could easily quit entirely. It seems to me that by offering her cigarettes initially, you were trying to force a confession, but it backfired into her smoking right in front of you, provided it stays strictly inside the house.

@Larry Gonzalez83
Honestly, I’m just tired of defending myself on this forum over whether or not I let her smoke at home.
Besides, when I first offered her a cigarette, I just wanted to see if she actually smoked, or if it was all just for show—you know, that "trying too hard" vibe. Turns out, she really does smoke.
Thanks for the advice, but I think we can just consider this topic closed. I’m done with it, and she is too. I’m not going to drag this up again. People say things change every other day, and honestly, same here regarding her smoking. I don't even notice it anymore. If she decides to quit, she should do it for herself... I already told her how I felt about it.
... yeah, and she really only smokes at home. Usually by the window or out on the patio. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea—I told her if she's going to do it, she might as well do it inside rather than outside. There are a thousand reasons for that, and none of them involve me being some control freak counting her cigarettes.
So, to answer your question, no, she doesn't smoke out in public. She isn't doing it at school during breaks or at music lessons or anything like that. We were having a picnic outdoors today, though, and she smoked when the urge hit her.

I honestly can't get over how hypocritical you both are—total smokers who somehow expect your kids to stay away from it.

To me, it feels like you're missing the whole point about leading by example. I mean, what bigger motivation could you possibly need to kick the habit than actually being a decent role model for your own kid?

And all this talk about "I just can't do it"... look, I get it, addiction is a beast, but people pull themselves off heroin and cocaine every single day, so come on.
If you really can't swing it on your own, there are plenty of support groups out there, or even nicotine patches to help with the physical side of things...

Keith Barrett2 said:I honestly can't get over how hypocritical you both are—total smokers who somehow expect your kids to stay away from it.

To me, it feels like you're missing the whole point about leading by example. I mean, what bigger motivation could you possibly need to kick the habit than actually being a decent role model for your own kid?

And all this talk about "I just can't do it"... look, I get it, addiction is a beast, but people pull themselves off heroin and cocaine every single day, so come on.
If you really can't swing it on your own, there are plenty of support groups out there, or even nicotine patches to help with the physical side of things...

Should parents stop having that glass of wine after lunch before they get behind the wheel? 6.2 miles Speeding, hooking up... what’s next on this list? They're really trying to set an example, aren't they? Like, they want to show kids that just because adults do certain things doesn't mean it's okay for them to follow suit. It's a bit much, honestly. Reminds me of when I was a teenager and my older cousin tried to act all "cool" and rebellious, only to realize we were all just making a mess of things. Anyway, just seems like a weird way to teach a lesson.

Why is it that every single time someone even mentions a cigarette, some self-appointed moral authority has to jump out of the woodwork to lecture us? Seriously. It’s like they’re just waiting for an excuse to act superior. I remember being at a coffee shop in Seattle last week—just minding my own business—and this guy starts going on a whole sermon because someone lit up near the patio. Just constant lecturing. It’s exhausting!

Quincy:

I don't really know what to make of this... just feels like there's more to the story than what we're seeing on the surface... maybe I'm overthinking it though... says: I can't help but feel like you both are being pretty hypocritical... smoking like crazy while acting like you don't want your kids picking up the habit... I honestly feel like we’re missing the point here... kids learn by watching what we do, not just what we say. I don't know if there's any bigger motivation to finally kick the habit than being a decent role model for your own kid... I hear these stories about how people just can't quit... I get it, though. It’s incredibly hard when you're dealing with an addiction like heroin or cocaine. But honestly? People do find a way to break free from it... There are also support groups out there if you just can't seem to do it on your own... plus those nicotine patches to help deal with the physical side of quitting...

I’m not sure I fully follow you... or maybe I just misread what you were getting at. Are you actually suggesting that smokers should just let their kids light up without question? I know that wasn't your point... And for the record, I'm definitely not being a hypocrite. If anything, I've been there myself—as a smoker, I've let my kid have a cigarette before. It's not like I'm proud of it, though. Honestly, I don't think any parent would say they *want* things to go that way. And I am certainly not questioning how bad cigarettes are for you...
Jason Ortiz5 basically spoke for me there... Honestly, even though I’ve been a smoker since my early 40s, I still have every right to hope my daughter doesn't start at fifteen. I really don't see any comparison between my habits and hers. And honestly, the whole "non-smoker" attitude feels a bit hypocritical sometimes... like suddenly smoking is the absolute worst thing on the planet. Let's not get carried away, shall we?...

Back when I was a teenager, I used to look at my parents and just see total hypocrites regarding that whole subject. Both of them were smoking like they were trying to win a contest, yet they’d spend all this time lecturing me about how unhealthy it was.
Their credibility? Absolutely zero.
I suppose, if there was any silver lining, it was that because of their attitude, I didn't smoke inside the house—which, I guess, meant I ended up smoking less overall.

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Well, I guess we finally reached a point where I can say I’m not being a hypocrite!
🙂
I mean, it would be totally hypocritical if I told her she could smoke, but then turned around and banned her from doing it inside the house, right?
I just wanted to avoid that whole judgmental vibe from non-smokers who always feel the need to lecture everyone else about how they live their lives. Honestly, if you have to smoke, girl, just do it at home and call it a day... no need for the big show. Luckily, around here, people are usually too embarrassed to smoke even around friends, so she probably ends up smoking way less than she actually wants to anyway...

Larry Gonzalez83 said:Quincy:

I don't really know what to make of this... just feels like there's more to the story than what we're seeing on the surface... maybe I'm overthinking it though... says: I can't help but feel like you both are being pretty hypocritical... smoking like crazy while acting like you don't want your kids picking up the habit... I honestly feel like we’re missing the point here... kids learn by watching what we do, not just what we say. I don't know if there's any bigger motivation to finally kick the habit than being a decent role model for your own kid... I hear these stories about how people just can't quit... I get it, though. It’s incredibly hard when you're dealing with an addiction like heroin or cocaine. But honestly? People do find a way to break free from it... There are also support groups out there if you just can't seem to do it on your own... plus those nicotine patches to help deal with the physical side of quitting...

I’m not sure I fully follow you... or maybe I just misread what you were getting at. Are you actually suggesting that smokers should just let their kids light up without question? I know that wasn't your point... And for the record, I'm definitely not being a hypocrite. If anything, I've been there myself—as a smoker, I've let my kid have a cigarette before. It's not like I'm proud of it, though. Honestly, I don't think any parent would say they *want* things to go that way. And I am certainly not questioning how bad cigarettes are for you...
Jason Ortiz5 basically spoke for me there... Honestly, even though I’ve been a smoker since my early 40s, I still have every right to hope my daughter doesn't start at fifteen. I really don't see any comparison between my habits and hers. And honestly, the whole "non-smoker" attitude feels a bit hypocritical sometimes... like suddenly smoking is the absolute worst thing on the planet. Let's not get carried away, shall we?...

I agree with almost everything said here.
Since I have also been labeled a hypocrite, I feel compelled to say a few things.
I am not one of those parents who believes setting a perfect example is everything.
However, I do not consider myself a bad mother just because my child smokes. In her high school, every third student smokes. Parents either know, don't know, or are pretending they don't know. I know, and I am not pretending otherwise.
It was the same during my time. Most people who smoke start in high school.
In our house, neither my husband nor I smoke indoors, even though we both smoke.
The same applies to our daughter. I rarely smoke on the patio, and she doesn't when my husband and I are there.
We told her no smoking in her bedroom, not even by an open window.
If she smokes on the patio while home alone, that is her choice.
Am I wrong? I don't think so. Anything else would be hypocritical.

Timothy Phillips said:I agree with almost everything said here.
Since I have also been labeled a hypocrite, I feel compelled to say a few things.
I am not one of those parents who believes setting a perfect example is everything.
However, I do not consider myself a bad mother just because my child smokes. In her high school, every third student smokes. Parents either know, don't know, or are pretending they don't know. I know, and I am not pretending otherwise.
It was the same during my time. Most people who smoke start in high school.
In our house, neither my husband nor I smoke indoors, even though we both smoke.
The same applies to our daughter. I rarely smoke on the patio, and she doesn't when my husband and I are there.
We told her no smoking in her bedroom, not even by an open window.
If she smokes on the patio while home alone, that is her choice.
Am I wrong? I don't think so. Anything else would be hypocritical.

@Timothy Phillips
You explained how you handle your daughter's smoking so well... thanks for the comments.
There’s always going to be someone on Reddit looking to lecture you. Just know there aren't any "wrong" moves here, and no perfect decisions. Every teenager's journey is different...
Kids are basically just little people dealing with their own tiny crises, insecurities, wandering thoughts, fears, and curiosity. Sometimes we just have to let them stumble so they can learn how to get back up on their own while they grow up.
It’s a long road with plenty of hurdles... honestly, if smoking ends up being the biggest struggle, I'd consider myself a pretty lucky parent.

I don't see any hypocrisy whatsoever in teenagers defending the same behaviors adults engage in; bad habits take root early, and it is far better to intervene before they become permanent.
And let’s be clear: cigarettes, alcohol, and similar substances are devastatingly more harmful to a developing body.

What truly baffles me is this extreme pendulum swing—moving from utter shock and disbelief to total acceptance overnight without even having a real conversation about it.

If I were in your shoes, I would be giving regular lectures on the physiological damage smoking does to a young organism. Not to mention the revolting smoker's breath, the stench, and those disgusting yellowed fingers and teeth.
Perhaps those images might act as a deterrent. Perhaps not, but at least I would know I had fulfilled my duty as a parent.

There is a very high probability she'll end up crushing on some guy who immediately loses interest the moment he kisses her and catches that stench.

So, I’m an ex-smoker. I haven't been a regular smoker for about 20 years now—mostly just a little something here and there at parties or when I'm hanging out with friends.

I don't really see cigarettes as the ultimate evil of the world, especially when you look at all the other stuff people do that doesn't get nearly as much backlash or stigma.

My daughter probably won't ever pick up the habit. It's not like I'm being super strict or forbidding it, she just dealt with enough bronchitis growing up that she realized on her own why it's a massive "no" for her. She sees things differently than most kids. That said, we've had plenty of talks about how adults can do certain things that kids shouldn't, simply because adults actually grasp cause and effect and carry the weight of their choices. I'm responsible for my own actions, and parents are responsible for theirs—it sounds simple, but honestly, even a kid gets that concept.

And honestly, looking at most adults who smoke nowadays, they pretty much all started picking up the habit when they were just fifteen, sixteen, or maybe seventeen... Not everyone, obviously, but definitely the majority of them.

Jacob Lopez2 said:I don't see any hypocrisy whatsoever in teenagers defending the same behaviors adults engage in; bad habits take root early, and it is far better to intervene before they become permanent.
And let’s be clear: cigarettes, alcohol, and similar substances are devastatingly more harmful to a developing body.

What truly baffles me is this extreme pendulum swing—moving from utter shock and disbelief to total acceptance overnight without even having a real conversation about it.

If I were in your shoes, I would be giving regular lectures on the physiological damage smoking does to a young organism. Not to mention the revolting smoker's breath, the stench, and those disgusting yellowed fingers and teeth.
Perhaps those images might act as a deterrent. Perhaps not, but at least I would know I had fulfilled my duty as a parent.

There is a very high probability she'll end up crushing on some guy who immediately loses interest the moment he kisses her and catches that stench.

Well, my parents used to give me those long monologues, yet the smoke in our house was so thick you could practically cut it with a knife.
They were incredibly convincing, though.
I guess they could have started by setting an example themselves. At least that's how I saw it back then. Or rather, I didn't really take them seriously at all. They had neither the credibility nor the right to lecture me about cigarettes.

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I’ll admit, I lack credibility.
I'll admit, that's why people dismiss me.
I'll admit, I am at fault.

Listening to non-smokers act like moral authorities makes my skin crawl.
It makes me want to light up just to calm down.

I honestly have so much respect for you all. If I found out my thirteen-year-old daughter had started smoking, I think I’d be screaming loud enough for the whole of Washington, D.C. to hear me. I don't smoke myself, though my husband does. I just don't know if I could ever stay as composed and calm as you are in a situation like that...

Timothy Phillips said:I’ll admit, I lack credibility.
I'll admit, that's why people dismiss me.
I'll admit, I am at fault.

Listening to non-smokers act like moral authorities makes my skin crawl.
It makes me want to light up just to calm down.

I’m really not trying to lecture anyone. I was just explaining how things sounded to me back then—from my own perspective, I guess. And if anything, that whole situation actually made me smoke less, mostly because I wasn't allowed to do it at home, and nobody would give me money for packs, so I had to figure it out on my own.
But those tips about only smoking at home? Don't follow them. Just don't. If someone smokes at home, they're going to smoke around other people too. That's just how it works.

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They probably lectured you because they wanted to be helpful. Maybe you would've reacted differently if they had just pointed out how pathetic we've become—how we can't stop because we're addicts, or how we messed up when we were just stupid kids, and now we're stuck spending huge amounts of money because we can't quit, just like most addicts.
Don't make the same mistakes we did; try to learn from our failures.

Nah, honestly?
My mom actually tried that exact same thing once.
One ear was in... 🤣

I don't get how all those former smokers and even the occasional puffers managed to find something so offensive in this post🤣

but honestly, the whole point was just about how kids learn by watching you

they pick up on what we actually *do*, not what we preach. if we tell them one thing but do the exact opposite, they’re gonna soak up our actions through osmosis, whether they mean to or not.

Jason Ortiz5 said:Should parents stop having that glass of wine after lunch before they get behind the wheel? 6.2 miles Speeding, hooking up... what’s next on this list? They're really trying to set an example, aren't they? Like, they want to show kids that just because adults do certain things doesn't mean it's okay for them to follow suit. It's a bit much, honestly. Reminds me of when I was a teenager and my older cousin tried to act all "cool" and rebellious, only to realize we were all just making a mess of things. Anyway, just seems like a weird way to teach a lesson.

Why is it that every single time someone even mentions a cigarette, some self-appointed moral authority has to jump out of the woodwork to lecture us? Seriously. It’s like they’re just waiting for an excuse to act superior. I remember being at a coffee shop in Seattle last week—just minding my own business—and this guy starts going on a whole sermon because someone lit up near the patio. Just constant lecturing. It’s exhausting!

Your comparison is totally off base—I highly doubt anyone sane is having sex right in front of their kids.
, and look, driving 10 mph over the limit is basically fine under the law since there's no ticket for going up to 6.2 miles /h in the city or 20 over on the highway...

I really hope you aren't pulling those speeding stunts while the kids are in the car.

A better way to put it would be, like, swearing. You try to teach kids that cursing is bad, but then you go ahead and swear
or hitting. If a kid sees you acting like physical outbursts are normal, even if you tell them not to fight...

Maybe you can talk them through it and convince them it's just "adult stuff" so they won't do it in front of you, but deep down, they still think it's okay behavior because they see Mom and Dad doing it.

Look, I'm not being a preacher here, and I'm definitely not saying you're all terrible mothers just because you smoke, nor am I saying cigarettes are the end of the world.
I know plenty of moms in real life who would die for their kids—mothers who stay up late cooking healthy meals and do everything humanly possible to provide, but heaven forbid you mention their smokes.
(The proof is right here in this thread: the second you don't praise smoking, people start acting all holier-than-thou. It feels like on this forum, you can disagree on anything except for the topic of cigarettes own.)

Anyway, back to the start: just show them by example that smoking is bad, no matter how hard it is. Maybe in a few years, that positive influence will actually pay off.

rowdypanther12 said:They probably lectured you because they wanted to be helpful. Maybe you would've reacted differently if they had just pointed out how pathetic we've become—how we can't stop because we're addicts, or how we messed up when we were just stupid kids, and now we're stuck spending huge amounts of money because we can't quit, just like most addicts.
Don't make the same mistakes we did; try to learn from our failures.

Buffett, I’m just some miserable smoker who can't even throw my butts in the trash without making excuses to my kid about being an "addict."
As someone who used to be a chronic, heavy smoker—like, a whole pack a day kind of situation—I know firsthand just how brutal nicotine addiction really is. But the second I found out I was pregnant, I quit cold turkey, and I haven't touched one since—so, thirteen years now. If I were to light one up today, I'd probably slip right back into those old habits.
But the point is, it's possible if you actually want it. Though, I suppose that isn't really what this conversation is about...

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