Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!

Larry Gonzalez83 said:Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!

🙂 🙂 🙂
Well done. It would be much easier than arguing with someone behind a laptop screen.
There are clearly two opposing sides here, black and white. Absolute extremes. Some of us don't think a teenager smoking is the end of the world. I simply suggested that those of us who should set an example might need to look in the mirror first. Most people start during their teenage years. I have nothing more to contribute to this discussion.

Larry Gonzalez83 said:Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!

Look, there’s no need to get worked up about this. My point—if I can even call it that—is just that you don't really have much room to maneuver when it comes to the cigarette situation. It’s a tight spot. And honestly, I think that goes for non-smoking parents too, because, well... what can you actually do? She smokes, and that’s that. I guess it all just boils down to one thing—whether she chooses to do it right in front of you or not.

Timothy Phillips said:🙂 🙂 🙂
Well done. It would be much easier than arguing with someone behind a laptop screen.
There are clearly two opposing sides here, black and white. Absolute extremes. Some of us don't think a teenager smoking is the end of the world. I simply suggested that those of us who should set an example might need to look in the mirror first. Most people start during their teenage years. I have nothing more to contribute to this discussion.

God forbid anything worse happens. I suppose I agree with you there.

rustyowl7 said:I honestly have so much respect for you all. If I found out my thirteen-year-old daughter had started smoking, I think I’d be screaming loud enough for the whole of Washington, D.C. to hear me. I don't smoke myself, though my husband does. I just don't know if I could ever stay as composed and calm as you are in a situation like that...

One thing I've learned since we started dealing with all these hormone shifts: never, ever blow up at them for something they did or said. Seriously. If you go the route of yelling things like, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHERE WAS YOUR BRAIN? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID?" you're just going to kill their trust in you. And that's the absolute last thing you want.

As long as I know that no matter what happens or whatever mistake they make, they'll come to me first to talk or ask for help, then nothing is truly scary.

Keith Barrett2 said:I don't get how all those former smokers and even the occasional puffers managed to find something so offensive in this post🤣

but honestly, the whole point was just about how kids learn by watching you

they pick up on what we actually *do*, not what we preach. if we tell them one thing but do the exact opposite, they’re gonna soak up our actions through osmosis, whether they mean to or not.

Your comparison is totally off base—I highly doubt anyone sane is having sex right in front of their kids.
, and look, driving 10 mph over the limit is basically fine under the law since there's no ticket for going up to 6.2 miles /h in the city or 20 over on the highway...

I really hope you aren't pulling those speeding stunts while the kids are in the car.

A better way to put it would be, like, swearing. You try to teach kids that cursing is bad, but then you go ahead and swear
or hitting. If a kid sees you acting like physical outbursts are normal, even if you tell them not to fight...

Maybe you can talk them through it and convince them it's just "adult stuff" so they won't do it in front of you, but deep down, they still think it's okay behavior because they see Mom and Dad doing it.

Look, I'm not being a preacher here, and I'm definitely not saying you're all terrible mothers just because you smoke, nor am I saying cigarettes are the end of the world.
I know plenty of moms in real life who would die for their kids—mothers who stay up late cooking healthy meals and do everything humanly possible to provide, but heaven forbid you mention their smokes.
(The proof is right here in this thread: the second you don't praise smoking, people start acting all holier-than-thou. It feels like on this forum, you can disagree on anything except for the topic of cigarettes own.)

Anyway, back to the start: just show them by example that smoking is bad, no matter how hard it is. Maybe in a few years, that positive influence will actually pay off.

Part of raising kids is teaching them that there's a clear line between being an adult and being a kid.

None of this bothers me, really. I'm fine. It's just people who love to lecture about everything that gets on my nerves. I've seen plenty of "by the book" parents totally wreck their relationships with their kids without even realizing it. And yet, they still sit there trying to preach their parenting "recipes" to everyone else.

mellowskipper said:Buffett, I’m just some miserable smoker who can't even throw my butts in the trash without making excuses to my kid about being an "addict."
As someone who used to be a chronic, heavy smoker—like, a whole pack a day kind of situation—I know firsthand just how brutal nicotine addiction really is. But the second I found out I was pregnant, I quit cold turkey, and I haven't touched one since—so, thirteen years now. If I were to light one up today, I'd probably slip right back into those old habits.
But the point is, it's possible if you actually want it. Though, I suppose that isn't really what this conversation is about...

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Look, maybe just tell her to stop nagging about the smoke and let her know she can smoke if she wants, because she'll stop whenever she feels ready. 😁

I don't see anything wrong with pointing out my own mistakes to my child and explaining exactly what they cost me. Most people have to learn things the hard way, but if she can take even 0.5% of what I've learned to heart, that's a win.

rustyowl7 said:I honestly have so much respect for you all. If I found out my thirteen-year-old daughter had started smoking, I think I’d be screaming loud enough for the whole of Washington, D.C. to hear me. I don't smoke myself, though my husband does. I just don't know if I could ever stay as composed and calm as you are in a situation like that...

If someone had laid this scenario out for me six months ago, I probably would've reacted the exact same way. I totally get where you're coming from. But life doesn't always play out the way we idealize it. We change our views as we go... we learn to steady our nerves and figure out how to tolerate things we never thought we would.
My advice to other parents? Don't lean too hard on your own authority or "tough" stances. There are so many factors affecting kids that we just don't consider...
Since you aren't a smoker, you have every right to hold a firm line on this one.
Just a hypothetical question for the parents who do smoke: under what circumstances would you actually tolerate it? Only once they hit legal age?

rowdypanther12 said:Look, maybe just tell her to stop nagging about the smoke and let her know she can smoke if she wants, because she'll stop whenever she feels ready. 😁

I don't see anything wrong with pointing out my own mistakes to my child and explaining exactly what they cost me. Most people have to learn things the hard way, but if she can take even 0.5% of what I've learned to heart, that's a win.

If I’m smoking, though... yeah, I definitely wouldn't be pointing out my mistakes while holding a cigarette.

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Larry Gonzalez83 said:If someone had laid this scenario out for me six months ago, I probably would've reacted the exact same way. I totally get where you're coming from. But life doesn't always play out the way we idealize it. We change our views as we go... we learn to steady our nerves and figure out how to tolerate things we never thought we would.
My advice to other parents? Don't lean too hard on your own authority or "tough" stances. There are so many factors affecting kids that we just don't consider...
Since you aren't a smoker, you have every right to hold a firm line on this one.
Just a hypothetical question for the parents who do smoke: under what circumstances would you actually tolerate it? Only once they hit legal age?

What does "tolerating" smoking even mean to you? Take my friend, for example—she smokes about a pack a day, but she never does it in front of her parents. They are staunch non-smokers. Of course, they know she smokes.
If a kid decides to start, what can you honestly do about it?

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To me, "tolerance" just means: I know you smoke, and I’m not going to make a scene or try to put your cigarette out for you.
So, there's option A—where I honestly don't care if they light up right in front of me since I already know they're a smoker. Or option B—where I know they'll smoke wherever they end up, but once we get home, we'll both pretend nothing is happening and they'll just step outside to light up.
Both those scenarios fall under "tolerance." But personally, option B feels way too complicated for my nervous system...
My initial fears were strictly about one thing: do they smoke or not? It was Binary, a simple 1 or 0.
Since the answer is unfortunately "yes," the whole "being obvious about it" part doesn't really matter to me. My biggest issue isn't whether they'll smoke right in front of me when I already know they do. I don't react to visual triggers 🙂
Like I mentioned before, they rarely smoke outdoors—hardly ever, actually.
At the end of the day, there aren't any laws prohibiting minors from smoking, but even for me, it's just easier if they don't do it inside because of everything else...

So, why does she smoke? What's actually driving her to do it?
It’s just because of friends, I guess, or maybe just because she grew up around it...

Terry Martinez10 said:So, why does she smoke? What's actually driving her to do it?
It’s just because of friends, I guess, or maybe just because she grew up around it...

I really don't feel like typing this all out again. Neither one fits.
Let's just say she was smoking with a friend, but that doesn't answer the actual question: why did she start in the first place?
Nobody else in her circle smokes except for that one friend, so I can't really blame the peer pressure aspect.
Maybe she just does it for herself. She enjoys it, it's a habit... I don't have any other explanation. I don't see any of that typical teenage attention-seeking behavior, and there isn't any other context that would trigger it. Maybe some kind of premature "maturing"?! I'm no expert on these things, but I'm certainly not dragging her to a child psychologist just because she picks up a cigarette...

Terry Martinez10 said:So, why does she smoke? What's actually driving her to do it?
It’s just because of friends, I guess, or maybe just because she grew up around it...

It's similar, though not quite the same as Larry Gonzalez83's situation. My daughter definitely started out of pure curiosity—she admits that herself—and she was incredibly persistent about it. She had easy access to cigarettes from the start and began buying them on her own very quickly.
In my view, this is classic puberty. It's a growing pain, a desperate urge to feel grown-up. Friends didn't influence her to start; none of her close circle smoked back then. Of course, high school is a different story. You see kids and even teachers congregating outside the campus during breaks, and the smoke is everywhere.
Now, I believe the reason she smokes is addiction, along with everything else, though that's a smaller factor now. Everyone starts for questionable reasons, but eventually, they're just smoking because they're hooked.

Larry Gonzalez83 said:I really don't feel like typing this all out again. Neither one fits.
Let's just say she was smoking with a friend, but that doesn't answer the actual question: why did she start in the first place?
Nobody else in her circle smokes except for that one friend, so I can't really blame the peer pressure aspect.
Maybe she just does it for herself. She enjoys it, it's a habit... I don't have any other explanation. I don't see any of that typical teenage attention-seeking behavior, and there isn't any other context that would trigger it. Maybe some kind of premature "maturing"?! I'm no expert on these things, but I'm certainly not dragging her to a child psychologist just because she picks up a cigarette...

I wasn't suggesting you take her to a child psychologist or anything like that; my point was simply that being strictly against it and acting indignant won't actually achieve anything.
Try to find the right moment and attempt to have a calm, laid-back conversation, more like one friend to another.
Frame it in a way that suggests her friend might be smoking for a specific reason—maybe she's dealing with something internal—and that you can still be a supportive friend without joining in on the habit yourself. You could ask something like, "If she jumps into a pit, are you going to jump in too?" You might also try pointing out things like yellowed teeth, stained nails, or hair and clothes that smell like smoke, since those physical realities are much easier to grasp than something abstract like lung cancer.
Instead of adopting the "I am the adult and you are the child" stance, which rarely works, it’s better to go with, "I made mistakes in the past that I can't undo, so I'd love for you to avoid making those same errors and feeling the regret I feel now." You get a much better reaction if you admit, "I messed up because I didn't know better," because it places you on the same level as her—which is exactly where she wants to be. It probably won't click the first time, but don't let it rattle you; just stay cool and say, "Look, you're a young woman and I respect that, but I love you too much to not give you my opinion or to not try talking about this again." Something along those lines. If she gets defensive, just back off and try again later.

Honestly, I’ve already been through all of this with her. Looking back, I’m not even sure which one is the bad influence here... it's hard to say who's leading whom 🙂 If you ask me, they just did this in sync. It’s pretty typical for that age, two BFFs getting into trouble together. The only difference is the other girl was upfront about smoking, whereas mine managed to hide it until we finally caught on. But really, that's the whole story.
We’ve decided to just close the book on that phase of growing up. She'll stop when she figures it out herself, not because some massive army is trying to force her hand. I know that better than anyone, since I'm the one who brought her into this world 🙂 Until then, if she wants to smoke, let her.
And yeah, she's definitely one of those people where the first thing you notice is the teeth, the hair, the nails... you're totally right about that. If there's any silver lining to her smoking, it's that she ends up in the bathroom five times a day scrubbing her teeth. It's become almost a reflex for her after a cigarette, especially since she has braces.

I know a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescent psychology. She doesn't view teenage smoking through a pathological lens from a psychological standpoint, mainly because it’s a socially accepted behavior involving legal substances. In her view, smoking at that age is more of a "statement" or a "demonstration of maturity."
I’m not talking about the health risks here; anyone with common sense agrees those are undeniable.
She advised me to handle this through dialogue rather than resorting to bans, drama, or ultimatums. She also suggested that if I find out she’s actually a smoker, I should ease up on the pressure and just let things take their course. She deals with much more severe issues than teenage smoking every single day, and she maintains that many kids who experiment early eventually grow out of it.

Timothy Phillips said:I know a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescent psychology. She doesn't view teenage smoking through a pathological lens from a psychological standpoint, mainly because it’s a socially accepted behavior involving legal substances. In her view, smoking at that age is more of a "statement" or a "demonstration of maturity."
I’m not talking about the health risks here; anyone with common sense agrees those are undeniable.
She advised me to handle this through dialogue rather than resorting to bans, drama, or ultimatums. She also suggested that if I find out she’s actually a smoker, I should ease up on the pressure and just let things take their course. She deals with much more severe issues than teenage smoking every single day, and she maintains that many kids who experiment early eventually grow out of it.

Most smokers have already had their first cigarette by eighteen, or they've already established a dependency by then. Compared to adults, younger people tend to smoke fewer cigarettes, yet they often develop a nicotine addiction much faster.
So, smoking during puberty isn't something we should just brush off as trivial; it is a serious issue with real consequences.

Terry Martinez10 said:Most smokers have already had their first cigarette by eighteen, or they've already established a dependency by then. Compared to adults, younger people tend to smoke fewer cigarettes, yet they often develop a nicotine addiction much faster.
So, smoking during puberty isn't something we should just brush off as trivial; it is a serious issue with real consequences.

No one is trivializing this. I am simply relaying the perspective of a female youth psychologist who views this as a medical issue rather than just a psychological one. Most kids start before they turn 18, and they develop an addiction quickly, regardless of how few cigarettes they smoke per day. According to some studies, there isn't much difference in health risks between someone smoking five cigarettes a day versus twenty. My only fear is that if I said this to my daughter, she would misinterpret me—she’d likely end up smoking twenty just to prove a point. 🙂

Terry Martinez10 said:Most smokers have already had their first cigarette by eighteen, or they've already established a dependency by then. Compared to adults, younger people tend to smoke fewer cigarettes, yet they often develop a nicotine addiction much faster.
So, smoking during puberty isn't something we should just brush off as trivial; it is a serious issue with real consequences.

I completely agree. My husband started picking up the habit when he was just 13 years old. By 14, right after finishing middle school, he was already smoking out front and he simply never stopped. Now, at 40, he’s going through a pack a day, sometimes even more. No matter how much I plead with him, he won't quit...
My daughter is currently in 7th grade, and she is quite allergic to secondhand smoke. My husband never smokes inside, nor does anyone else near her, but I am constantly stressing the importance of this to her. I truly hope she never starts. Since I don't smoke myself, I can only hope she follows my lead... I really hope so...

rustyowl7 said:I completely agree. My husband started picking up the habit when he was just 13 years old. By 14, right after finishing middle school, he was already smoking out front and he simply never stopped. Now, at 40, he’s going through a pack a day, sometimes even more. No matter how much I plead with him, he won't quit...
My daughter is currently in 7th grade, and she is quite allergic to secondhand smoke. My husband never smokes inside, nor does anyone else near her, but I am constantly stressing the importance of this to her. I truly hope she never starts. Since I don't smoke myself, I can only hope she follows my lead... I really hope so...

I am hoping things stay that way. Is she literally allergic, or does she just hate smoking? If it's the latter, I have to tell you we dealt with something similar when she was that age, and then everything flipped overnight. Or at least, it felt like it happened overnight to me.
I’ve mentioned this before. You need to be cautious, especially since there is another smoker in the house. This is the age where almost everyone experiments or tries it at least once, though luckily most don't end up liking it. It wouldn't hurt to increase supervision so you don't end up in my situation.
I realized too late when things had already gone too far. When I finally sat her down to talk about everything, she admitted she had been smoking for days. She told me she hated the smell and the taste, and that it made her dizzy and nauseous. If I had caught her during that phase, it might have made sense to try and talk her out of it. Since I clearly didn't react in time, now I can only wait for her to figure it out herself. She is in high school now, so the circumstances are different than they were back in 7th grade.

Just like Erin mentioned, when my mom finally accepted that I was smoking at sixteen, I took it as her way of validating that I was actually becoming a mature, grown-up person—which is exactly how I felt at the time.

The initial reaction from the family was pretty intense—lots of bans, lectures, and all that stuff. Honestly, I took it really hard emotionally. But, I didn't stop smoking.
About eight months after she caught me, she called me over one morning to just sit, have coffee, and smoke a cigarette with her. I hesitated for a second, but it felt like the logical next step. It didn't feel like I was being disrespectful by sharing that moment with her.
That’s when we really unlocked a whole new level of friendship.
Fast forward to today: I'm an adult, and my mom and I have a wonderful relationship.
I actually quit smoking spontaneously when I turned 22—I got into a really cool sport and just wanted to be at my absolute best.
My godmother, on the other hand, won't smoke in front of her family. Even now, she has to sneak away to the backyard, the balcony, or even the bathroom... even at all those big parties where everyone else is smoking—it just seems so unnecessary!
Anyway... try to be friends with your kids. They're slowly turning into their own people. A cigarette isn't exactly a joke, but it's definitely not the end of the world either.