Dealing with the teenage years is a nightmare

Emily Bailey2 said:I am certainly not boasting here; the entire point of my argument has been missed entirely.
It is an undeniable truth that everyone operates differently. For instance, being micromanaged or facing arbitrary restrictions does nothing for me but spike my blood pressure and systematically destroy whatever shred of motivation I have left. That said, I am fully aware that I am studying for my own sake, not to satisfy some group of elderly bureaucrats. Of course, I occasionally stumble, but when I do, I possess enough personal accountability to rectify the situation within a reasonable timeframe. I do this not because I am under some mandate or because someone is breathing down my neck, but because it is what I *choose* to do. Ultimately, everything hinges on internal motivation. While certain individuals might find discipline through strict prohibitions, such tactics only serve to irritate me, and once I am in a foul mood, my ability to study evaporates completely. Regardless, despite these "flaws" I am supposedly bragging about, I am bringing my studies to a close with excellent grades. Why? Because I want this. Because it interests me. Because I actually enjoy the process. I am driven by genuine interest, not by coercion or external pressure.

The thing is, there aren't many people like you. You actually give a damn about what you're learning. We talk about hiding grades, but by the time anyone finds out they're bad, it's already too late to fix anything.😉

For me, the whole "wild teenager" phase—the constant hanging out and drinking—hit a little later than most. It was kind of a mixed bag, honestly...
But I really want to weigh in on what Emily Bailey2 said:
I actually started crushing my classes once I got good at hiding my exam dates. Seriously... It’s like, if you aren't studying, did you even study? Or if you say you did, why are you heading out again? You can't have it both ways, blah blah blah...

Now, I play it cool. I study when I need to, hang out when I want to, and I still pass all my finals on time.

Once my mom finally caught on to how I was managing things, she was just kind of confused and eventually gave up on nagging me altogether....

Zenabr1 As specified by James Lee12:
The fundamental issue here is that there simply aren't many people like you; most individuals lack that genuine, intrinsic drive to actually master what they are studying. We spend all our time debating the ethics of hiding grades or masking academic performance, but by the time the truth finally comes to light, the damage is already done. It is far too late at that stage to attempt any meaningful course correction.😉

Which school is she attending now? And was that actually her own decision, or was it something forced upon her?
I spent my high school years acting out and being difficult, mostly because I had absolutely zero interest in attending a prep school—though my parents were relentless about forcing that path on me. It was the exact same story when I started college. The older generation decided what my major "should" be, practically brainwashed me into accepting their vision, and... well, I dropped out before the first semester was even over.

Is there truly no way to pique her interest? You need to find a method to frame this as something genuinely compelling rather than just another tedious, soul-crushing obligation that she’ll inevitably resent.
It is entirely plausible that they are keeping things under wraps simply out of fear regarding how people will react. That was certainly my own motivation, and if I recall correctly, it was the driving force for most of my peers as well.

Emily Bailey2 said:

Zenabr1 As specified by James Lee12:
The fundamental issue here is that there simply aren't many people like you; most individuals lack that genuine, intrinsic drive to actually master what they are studying. We spend all our time debating the ethics of hiding grades or masking academic performance, but by the time the truth finally comes to light, the damage is already done. It is far too late at that stage to attempt any meaningful course correction.😉

Which school is she attending now? And was that actually her own decision, or was it something forced upon her?
I spent my high school years acting out and being difficult, mostly because I had absolutely zero interest in attending a prep school—though my parents were relentless about forcing that path on me. It was the exact same story when I started college. The older generation decided what my major "should" be, practically brainwashed me into accepting their vision, and... well, I dropped out before the first semester was even over.

Is there truly no way to pique her interest? You need to find a method to frame this as something genuinely compelling rather than just another tedious, soul-crushing obligation that she’ll inevitably resent.
It is entirely plausible that they are keeping things under wraps simply out of fear regarding how people will react. That was certainly my own motivation, and if I recall correctly, it was the driving force for most of my peers as well.

He's in vocational school, strictly because his dad picked it for him, but the kid is totally checked out. Everything's boring to him, everything's stupid, and everyone is just getting on his last nerve.🤷,

My daughter decided she wanted to go to a prestigious prep school—completely her own choice. She’s really proud of the reputation there; she loves telling people she attends such an elite institution. But let's be real—don't expect to hear about any A's or B's, because she refuses to put in the work. I suggested other schools, but Miss High-and-Mighty won't settle for anything less, insisting she’s destined for college! My question to her? With what knowledge base and what kind of GPA? It isn't actually about the school itself, but rather her attitude—she wouldn't study even if she were enrolled in a seasonal lifeguard academy in the middle of winter. She just won't! She constantly insists she isn't studying just to spite me or because I nag her about academics. I haven't mentioned school once this year, and since she's been staying with her father for the last month, I haven't seen or heard from her much anyway. She has this habit where when she's at one parent's house, the other parent basically ceases to exist. Well, I called her homeroom teacher yesterday to check on her grades, and honestly, it was a disaster. She even has an F in music class.
She can't see me, she won't listen to me, and even though I've stopped hovering over her studies, she still won't study. Part of me wants to just pull her out of school and send her straight into the workforce, but her father won't have it—so I guess I'm stuck with this headache for two more years. What happens after graduation? I have no idea, and I suspect she doesn't either. Maybe she thinks just existing is enough, and that someone will eventually hand her a high-paying job where she never has to lift a finger.
My question is: when does this blissful puberty phase finally end? It all started back in eighth grade—fine, let her navigate her freshman year of high school, maybe sophomore year while she settles in... but what is this? We're in junior year, and her maturity level is exactly where it was in middle school—though, if I'm being honest, she actually seemed a bit sharper in third grade than she does now.

And once puberty finally wraps up... man, I know plenty of people hitting their mid-thirties or even forty who still haven't actually outgrown that adolescent phase, and from the looks of it, they have no intention of ever maturing.
It’s an individual matter, of course. 😁

I suppose some people just have to get burned by life before they finally learn how things work.

Gregory Wells6, I suppose there’s definitely something there that catches her interest. It seems pretty obvious she had decent grades back when she was in high school, unless of course she used some connections to get by—in which case, I guess this kind of attitude is just what you'd expect. Maybe try printing out some credit requirement lists from various universities websites for her? It might help her realize just how far off she actually is from getting enrolled, and perhaps then she'll finally start studying.

Nia got in through her connections. She was a straight-A student back in elementary school—honestly, a 4.0 GPA kind of kid—so getting into her current school was a breeze. But that’s actually where the trouble starts: she just doesn't care about anything anymore. It used to be so different! She was always sketching, attending art workshops, playing tennis, and taking language classes—her English is basically perfect, by the way. Then puberty hit, and suddenly, everything that once sparked her interest just vanished. Now? Her entire world revolves around hanging out at local coffee shops, a cigarette dangling from her lip, a beer in one hand, and some guy in the other. She won't read, she won't engage in hobbies, she's even stopped watching TV. She just retreats to her room to stare at the wall listening to loud, mindless pop music or stays glued to her phone—and even then, I usually have to practically force her to stay indoors. She’d much rather be out on the streets 24/7.
On top of all that, she’s latched onto this "golden boy" who is six years older than her. He’s unemployed, has zero education, a criminal record for theft, and honestly, he has even less common sense than she does right now. Every single second she isn't in class, she’s with him. And if I dare ask her to help out with something around the house? She loses it—starts acting crazy and accuses me of being jealous.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've driven her everywhere, opened every door possible, and offered endless opportunities just to see if something might finally click and reignite her passion. But she refuses to talk to me about her future, and heaven forbid I even mention school—she just shuts down and tunes me out completely.
What would you do if you were dealing with a child like this?

Gregory Wells6 said:Nia got in through her connections. She was a straight-A student back in elementary school—honestly, a 4.0 GPA kind of kid—so getting into her current school was a breeze. But that’s actually where the trouble starts: she just doesn't care about anything anymore. It used to be so different! She was always sketching, attending art workshops, playing tennis, and taking language classes—her English is basically perfect, by the way. Then puberty hit, and suddenly, everything that once sparked her interest just vanished. Now? Her entire world revolves around hanging out at local coffee shops, a cigarette dangling from her lip, a beer in one hand, and some guy in the other. She won't read, she won't engage in hobbies, she's even stopped watching TV. She just retreats to her room to stare at the wall listening to loud, mindless pop music or stays glued to her phone—and even then, I usually have to practically force her to stay indoors. She’d much rather be out on the streets 24/7.
On top of all that, she’s latched onto this "golden boy" who is six years older than her. He’s unemployed, has zero education, a criminal record for theft, and honestly, he has even less common sense than she does right now. Every single second she isn't in class, she’s with him. And if I dare ask her to help out with something around the house? She loses it—starts acting crazy and accuses me of being jealous.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've driven her everywhere, opened every door possible, and offered endless opportunities just to see if something might finally click and reignite her passion. But she refuses to talk to me about her future, and heaven forbid I even mention school—she just shuts down and tunes me out completely.
What would you do if you were dealing with a child like this?

I’d love to give you an honest answer, but I really shouldn't... 😉
Reading this actually gives me chills.
My 11-year-old is officially wading into the messy waters of puberty, though honestly, it feels like he's been there since birth.
He used to be such a good kid, but lately, everything is "pointless" or "stupid" or "I don't need that." He’s also incredibly lazy—he even claims he inherited the "lazy gene" from me or his dad... 😠
It’s heartbreaking because talking doesn't seem to work anymore. We sit down, we make an agreement, and then when it comes time to follow through, he just shrugs it off.
He gets angry at absolutely everything. Lately, I find myself scrolling through old photos of him as a baby, just remembering how he used to be constantly smiling from ear to ear.
The only things he cares about are his computer and hanging out with his friends every now and then.
Yesterday, he asked if he could stay out until 9:00 PM. I told him no, explaining that it would be pitch black by then and I wouldn't feel comfortable... and he just snapped at me, saying I was "holding him back" from growing up. 🙄

At this point, I guess all I can do is vent a little bit...

Gregory Wells6 said:Nia got in through her connections. She was a straight-A student back in elementary school—honestly, a 4.0 GPA kind of kid—so getting into her current school was a breeze. But that’s actually where the trouble starts: she just doesn't care about anything anymore. It used to be so different! She was always sketching, attending art workshops, playing tennis, and taking language classes—her English is basically perfect, by the way. Then puberty hit, and suddenly, everything that once sparked her interest just vanished. Now? Her entire world revolves around hanging out at local coffee shops, a cigarette dangling from her lip, a beer in one hand, and some guy in the other. She won't read, she won't engage in hobbies, she's even stopped watching TV. She just retreats to her room to stare at the wall listening to loud, mindless pop music or stays glued to her phone—and even then, I usually have to practically force her to stay indoors. She’d much rather be out on the streets 24/7.
On top of all that, she’s latched onto this "golden boy" who is six years older than her. He’s unemployed, has zero education, a criminal record for theft, and honestly, he has even less common sense than she does right now. Every single second she isn't in class, she’s with him. And if I dare ask her to help out with something around the house? She loses it—starts acting crazy and accuses me of being jealous.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've driven her everywhere, opened every door possible, and offered endless opportunities just to see if something might finally click and reignite her passion. But she refuses to talk to me about her future, and heaven forbid I even mention school—she just shuts down and tunes me out completely.
What would you do if you were dealing with a child like this?

Look, if she doesn't care about school—and we all know she's gotta graduate eventually—just tell her to go hit up the unemployment office. If she’s so grown up like she claims, let her go find a job. I'm not footing the bill for her food and clothes for free.
That’s exactly what we told our kid, and it worked. He finally got his head in the game. There were tears, plenty of them, but he finally said he wanted to focus on school. Of course, we told him he had to prove it. Nowadays, I still have to nag him because the internet is always more tempting, but his grades are decent enough. The only time we really clash is when he goes silent on us; then we're right back to square one.🤷

My kid is 11, but he’s basically a hermit who refuses to hang out with any of the boys. He comes home from school, grabs some food, and immediately disappears into his computer... then he spends hours in this endless loop of playing games, collecting Bionicle figures, and drawing them. When I try to force him to actually sit down and do his homework, he insists he doesn't have any. He won't even pack his backpack until 9 PM, just tossing everything in haphazardly. On top of all that, he’s been incredibly rude and mouthy lately.
Regarding what xanas said...😲
Absolutely terrifying...

Gregory Wells6 said:Nia got in through her connections. She was a straight-A student back in elementary school—honestly, a 4.0 GPA kind of kid—so getting into her current school was a breeze. But that’s actually where the trouble starts: she just doesn't care about anything anymore. It used to be so different! She was always sketching, attending art workshops, playing tennis, and taking language classes—her English is basically perfect, by the way. Then puberty hit, and suddenly, everything that once sparked her interest just vanished. Now? Her entire world revolves around hanging out at local coffee shops, a cigarette dangling from her lip, a beer in one hand, and some guy in the other. She won't read, she won't engage in hobbies, she's even stopped watching TV. She just retreats to her room to stare at the wall listening to loud, mindless pop music or stays glued to her phone—and even then, I usually have to practically force her to stay indoors. She’d much rather be out on the streets 24/7.
On top of all that, she’s latched onto this "golden boy" who is six years older than her. He’s unemployed, has zero education, a criminal record for theft, and honestly, he has even less common sense than she does right now. Every single second she isn't in class, she’s with him. And if I dare ask her to help out with something around the house? She loses it—starts acting crazy and accuses me of being jealous.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've driven her everywhere, opened every door possible, and offered endless opportunities just to see if something might finally click and reignite her passion. But she refuses to talk to me about her future, and heaven forbid I even mention school—she just shuts down and tunes me out completely.
What would you do if you were dealing with a child like this?

Honestly, I’m worried it might be too late at this point.
You really have to shut that stuff down the second it starts showing up.

My daughter is basically living proof that if you handle things early, everything turns out just fine.

dustymarlin10 said:Honestly, I’m worried it might be too late at this point.
You really have to shut that stuff down the second it starts showing up.

My daughter is basically living proof that if you handle things early, everything turns out just fine.

Yeah, at this point, my only option would be sending her off to a juvenile detention center🙄
so let's not get too pessimistic. If you implement strict, fair rules, maintain constant supervision, get a referral for a therapist, and balance rewards with consequences... you'll see progress.

dustymarlin10 said:Honestly, I’m worried it might be too late at this point.
You really have to shut that stuff down the second it starts showing up.

My daughter is basically living proof that if you handle things early, everything turns out just fine.

nah, don't be like that. as long as they're still under your roof, there's hope. if you just throw in the towel, then you really failed as a parent. you can still help them out.

Scott Howard74 said:nah, don't be like that. as long as they're still under your roof, there's hope. if you just throw in the towel, then you really failed as a parent. you can still help them out.

I don't know, feels like the ship might have already sailed on this one.
She's way too set in her ways at this point.

Maybe she'll eventually come back to her senses, but when it comes to things like finishing school or getting her life on track, I'm worried she's already missed the boat.

dustymarlin10 said:I don't know, feels like the ship might have already sailed on this one.
She's way too set in her ways at this point.

Maybe she'll eventually come back to her senses, but when it comes to things like finishing school or getting her life on track, I'm worried she's already missed the boat.

Unfortunately, she'll have to foot the bill herself. Once she feels that sting in her own wallet, maybe then she'll actually start acting right.🤷

rapidmaker10 said:My kid is 11, but he’s basically a hermit who refuses to hang out with any of the boys. He comes home from school, grabs some food, and immediately disappears into his computer... then he spends hours in this endless loop of playing games, collecting Bionicle figures, and drawing them. When I try to force him to actually sit down and do his homework, he insists he doesn't have any. He won't even pack his backpack until 9 PM, just tossing everything in haphazardly. On top of all that, he’s been incredibly rude and mouthy lately.
Regarding what xanas said...😲
Absolutely terrifying...

It’s like reading a description of my own son from about three years ago. It feels like they were cloned. 😂They always claim they have nothing to study or write about; and when I show up at the school, all they can do is 😲
I'm actually home right now on maternity leave, and he’s incredibly excited about getting a little sister. It wasn't planned, but he's totally on board with it—except for the constant complaining about how much better things were before, back when I was working all the time and he was the king of the castle at home ☕ You can probably imagine how much "studying" he actually did: endless hours of surfing the web, gaming, PlayStation, TV, snacks, and then doing it all over again... Now he tells me the only perk of me being home is that he doesn't have to microwave his food because lunch is always freshly cooked 🤣 Meanwhile, according to him, I'm just boring, annoying, and outdated because all I ever want to do is talk about school and push him to study (to quote him)...

Grace Walker58 said:I honestly thought we’d finally hit a plateau, you know? Like, I told myself, "Okay, we survived that one massive blowout, we're in the clear." But man, was I wrong. Now she's turning 18 and it feels like we're right back at square one, except this time it's even more intense. It’s a different kind of beast compared to my son—he's been a handful since middle school and he's starting his sophomore year of high school now, which is one thing, but I never realized just how volatile teenage girls could be during puberty. I mean, I wasn't exactly a saint growing up—I had my fair share of trouble—but I don't know what she's trying to prove. There are moments when I genuinely lose my cool and start counting down the days until she turns 18 just so I can pack her bags and send her on her way. You try everything, right? You attempt the calm conversations, the "let's understand each other" talks, the compromises, the actual consequences... but none of it sticks. It always spirals back into screaming matches, insults, or just endless sulking and tears. Then we'll have two days where things are actually fine, and then suddenly it's two weeks of absolute hell. I'll spend half my paycheck covering her phone bill, then I'll get fed up and cut her off entirely, only to find money missing from my wallet later. She'll skip school, and I'm stuck driving her there every single morning just to make sure she actually shows up. It just drains the life out of you, especially because every time I think I've finally anticipated her next move, she comes up with something even more unpredictable.

Still, I try to keep my head up by remembering that most of this chaos eventually settles down into something good.

God help me, I don't know if I'm ready for what's coming 😱 😱

Gregory Wells6 said:Nia got in through her connections. She was a straight-A student back in elementary school—honestly, a 4.0 GPA kind of kid—so getting into her current school was a breeze. But that’s actually where the trouble starts: she just doesn't care about anything anymore. It used to be so different! She was always sketching, attending art workshops, playing tennis, and taking language classes—her English is basically perfect, by the way. Then puberty hit, and suddenly, everything that once sparked her interest just vanished. Now? Her entire world revolves around hanging out at local coffee shops, a cigarette dangling from her lip, a beer in one hand, and some guy in the other. She won't read, she won't engage in hobbies, she's even stopped watching TV. She just retreats to her room to stare at the wall listening to loud, mindless pop music or stays glued to her phone—and even then, I usually have to practically force her to stay indoors. She’d much rather be out on the streets 24/7.
On top of all that, she’s latched onto this "golden boy" who is six years older than her. He’s unemployed, has zero education, a criminal record for theft, and honestly, he has even less common sense than she does right now. Every single second she isn't in class, she’s with him. And if I dare ask her to help out with something around the house? She loses it—starts acting crazy and accuses me of being jealous.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've driven her everywhere, opened every door possible, and offered endless opportunities just to see if something might finally click and reignite her passion. But she refuses to talk to me about her future, and heaven forbid I even mention school—she just shuts down and tunes me out completely.
What would you do if you were dealing with a child like this?

I feel like it comes down to a mix of strict boundaries and some sort of incentive system. It might be helpful to check in with her teachers at school on a regular basis to stay in the loop. Maybe try limiting her time out with friends until those grades start looking better, and if things don't improve, perhaps taking away the smartphone might be necessary. Honestly, she doesn't seem unintelligent to me; I suspect she just lacks the drive right now. Once she finds something that truly motivates her, I imagine she'll start putting in the work.

Jacob Gray3 said:I feel like it comes down to a mix of strict boundaries and some sort of incentive system. It might be helpful to check in with her teachers at school on a regular basis to stay in the loop. Maybe try limiting her time out with friends until those grades start looking better, and if things don't improve, perhaps taking away the smartphone might be necessary. Honestly, she doesn't seem unintelligent to me; I suspect she just lacks the drive right now. Once she finds something that truly motivates her, I imagine she'll start putting in the work.

I'm with her on all of this.👍👍👍👍👍