On top of everything, there's no Fear

This sunny day really took me back to being a kid... everything felt washed out in blue and depression. Honestly, I don't even know how I made it through all that. I feel so bad about it all... the complexes, feeling inferior, the insecurity, and just feeling totally lost compared to everyone else my age. It reminded me of that school ski trip back in fourth grade. Everyone else was grabbing sandwiches with premium deli meat, and there I was, pinching pennies just so I could save up enough to buy presents for my family. Ugh. I can't even think of anything good involving people from that time. It makes me want to
...between the guilt trips and the fears... maybe I should have stayed in my mom's womb for another two months. Or maybe I should've been born in the mountains with the wolves. Momo, why are you crying?
The deceased won't suspect a thing anymore
and don't expect a colonel to give you a coherent explanation
death rewards them both equally
one is fascinated
the other is saved by oblivion
it might be that they are bounty hunters
just like honorable men sometimes are
or maybe they've only tasted Fear
truth
they didn't particularly impress anyone

I wish you would lead those shaved heads
and take them as a sort of mental eroticism
so you aren't just a round stone
being rolled along the valley by the wind
that you stop at the end of the road
and tame time with your senses
and that you say it right away
so I don't think you're lying
because
nobody understands you as well
as I do
you'll see how the past becomes
what happens even to the wise
something between laughter and counting down
something between silence and waiting
and when the bizarre becomes completely real
left without a single surprise
and when you find yourself, just like so many times before
in my arms
who will be your new guru then?

..I’ve been hit by this wave of lethargy. Maybe I never actually liked spring, and maybe I never will... even though I want to so badly. Really, truly badly. But the fear is just growing. Get out of me, you beautiful monster, and let my feet find their way back to the path...
Lyrics: Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

O.K.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a childI caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

SeLaVi Kenny😁 ..and yeah, it’s totally true that I lose my logic whenever I'm just being my usual self😁
Check this out though... heheheh

L'Albatros

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just for kicks, the crew members
Grab albatrosses, those massive birds of the sea,
Who follow along, lazy travel buddies,
As the ship slides over the bitter depths.

No sooner have they set them down on the deck,
Than these kings of the blue sky, clumsy and ashamed,
Pitifully let their great white wings
Drag beside them like heavy oars.

This winged traveler—man, he's so awkward and weak!
He was so beautiful, yet now he's just comical and ugly!
One guy pokes his beak with a cigar,
Another mocks him by limping, imitating the cripple who used to fly!

The Poet is just like the prince of the clouds
Who haunts the storm and laughs at the archer;
Exiled on the ground amidst the jeers,
His giant wings keep getting in the way of his walk.

Charles Baudelaire (The Flowers of Evil)

Here you go, sweetheart, your song... I feel bad that it’s so dear to you. I actually know this one jerk who was laughing while he said the title—maybe he really is some kind of genius? He should probably head down to the Cafeteria, because they're always looking for high-quality people like him there.
The kind of pain that makes your fillings pop! Corners, molars, I've got them all, and my canines are white as Jack London's—I might just start biting things. Right through the bone, and this time, not my own.
Somazgun... he can just go jump in a lake.

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for ?
I'm learning (I'm learning, learning, learning)
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning (turning turning turning)
Round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah yeah
Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

Yeah yeah, whoa wo oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends, the show must go on
The show must go on (go on, go on, go on) yeah yeah
The show must go on (go on, go on, go on)
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show

Ooh, I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show - the show must go on
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on
Go on, go on
And a little bit of wisdom for those who occasionally realize that the world is just a stage and everyone gets what they deserve, quoting The Poet.
Ugh!!!!!!!! I'm training myself to hate everything!!!!!!!!! I definitely have time for love, you're absolutely right, Kenny.

.Reading through my old posts, I completely blanked on what I actually wanted to say here😢
Probably some quote from Pejstat
Majke-ucini makes me feel alive
Or maybe Doorse—You make me real
Or Queen—save me
Or Zvonak Bogdana-Beses... man, you are a total legend!!!!
Or maybe those lyrics by Stulica:

Some strange people
some faces that suit my memory
and then I turn around and realize it's just me staring back in the mirror!!!
Or Bijelo Dugme... I thought the beasts feared these flames following my trail, but now I wear them however they're tailored, because nothing will ever be named again
Just remember me by my posts
Or Balasevic... in the early morning, shadows of past days haunt me, memories as murky as a lie, or like a dream
Kenny would probably just say... bah..
And Bonnie Tyler... Total Eclipse of the Heart... man, what a killer song, I really need to track down a copy somewhere

..Go to hell
It absolutely crushed me... I started picturing vampires and Dracula, or at least that’s what it felt like... it doesn't really matter, it’s just how my brain visualizes Fear... whenever I get overheated or just feeling low, the nightmares start creeping in... I’ve always been a conscientious guy, always kept up with my dentist appointments... I was brave. My dentist used to praise me every single time because I never even made a sound.. But tonight, that pain felt so incredibly real, like my molars were packed tight with lead and silver.. is that even normal!!!??? It doesn't matter, it’s just proof that it's all inside me... and that scares the life out of me... how long does it take to forget, to let it fade.. all these states of mind are buried in me, you think I don't realize that? high voltage rocknroll.. in our dear Marina, soul of my soul, heart of my heart🙂
What else is there to do to make myself love someone? Nothing.. right now, she's the only one I need, and it's getting neurotic.. what do you suggest, should I chase her like a moth to a flame? Bravo, girl.. I know I'm close.. to the light of the lamp (Oh, you're such a cynic, turning everything into a joke, even though you know I've always been this serious, and when I wasn't, people would just call me mean, and I actually believed them)
Those who are dying don't lie.. I guess it hasn't clicked for you yet
People who aren't swayed by Jesus don't just walk away from girls.. I mean, leaving a wife isn't easy.. if not for anything else, then because of fear, surely there's at least a little conscience left.. okay, maybe not, I know there are cases where hatred just tears everything apart, and I'm too weak to try and overwrite bad experiences, I'll end up messing up somewhere too.. and will you be able to hold back? I'll probably realize I screwed up before you do, and then I'll just sit there watching my own reaction to your reaction.. I'll even find myself wondering if I did it subconsciously and then just mess around with that thought.. if it were anyone else, I could forgive myself easily, because I've started learning that, especially now that I know I'm going to die... but I love you, with my heart and my mind.. you just don't get it.. honestly, I prefer Dylan over Zagor. I can't stand Bleka, so Kenny, don't screw around!!!!!!!
Flash Gordon is blonde.. totally stereotypical.. he reminds me of this one guy.. like Kenny🙂
''for lawlessness will increase and the love of many will grow cold;
but he who endures to the end will be saved.'' amen
You're right, Vlado.. if there were no suffering, we wouldn't even know what happiness is.. but who knows.. no two people are ever truly the same—not even down to the neurons or the synapses... aaaaaaaah
This sun has thrown me right back into those nasty movies today, mostly filled with hate and depression... ugh.. I almost felt like praying, but that wouldn't be the real me, would it? easy Pupa your game of love has just begun.. you know the rules... just go ahead and have your fun

Sorry Kenny, I guess I just can't control my subconscious... you know I love you, so why is it weird that I started loving myself? I've got plenty to go around!
...and look, I get it, things aren't easy for you, and honestly, it's been rough for me too. Of course you get on my nerves, just like I drive you crazy... but hey, I'm doing this for myself. At the end of the day, I'm just a damn human being... a human... it’s like one of those big sins, you know?

..I don't like proving that I love someone or saying it out loud, but I really, truly love you
Drew Richardson82
Intern
Member # 10317
Member Rating:

Posted: 12-16-2001 02:21

So, here goes... FIRST OFF, MY APOLOGIES TO ANYONE READING THIS BECAUSE IT’S A LONG ONE, BUT PLEASE, JUST READ IT AND RESPOND... I’M DESPERATE (and yeah... those doom-and-gloomers who like to guess about people and predict schizophrenia, psychosis, and other heavy stuff, please spare me—I'm already terrified enough as it is, so maybe try wrapping that in a nice, polite diagnosis instead.
I've noticed a lot of posts here talking about anxiety, panic attacks, depression, neuroticism... but...?!
Everyone writes about their own experiences and their own symptoms. Well, I have this one problem... in some ways I recognize myself, and in others I don't. I don't know if it's just a personality thing, but... anyway, I want to share this awful experience with you guys...
It all started two years ago. Even though I was going through a pretty stressful patch in my life, I was actually doing okay (a little anxious, sure, but nothing more than usual)... mostly, while I was at work... I was in this dark, gloomy, massive room reading the newspaper in peace, when suddenly... something started rising from my stomach up toward my head (and honestly, just writing this makes me feel sick right now!) In that moment, I started losing my breath, my heart was racing, I was sweating everywhere... I started losing it. A panic attack... this huge, indescribable Fear that I was going crazy, that I was losing my grip. I bolted out onto the street, into the crowd, and that calmed me down a little, then a little more... eventually, I settled down, but it all stayed with me, hitting me in different waves up until today. (Here’s the first thing that worries me, and sadly not the last: why does everyone... I mean, literally everyone I’ve talked to who had a panic attack, think they were having a heart attack or passing out? Nobody has mentioned what I went through, which is basically everything the others write about PLUS the feeling that I'm going insane and losing my mind. I knew immediately, without ever even reading about it, that something was wrong with my psyche, and that I was going crazy!?)
So, has anyone else experienced this???????????
To make matters worse, I lived in this constant fear of losing my mind for two weeks straight. It would calm down until nightfall, and then I'd be alone again (I had to be with someone every other day, I couldn't be alone), and those nights I'd watch some stupid horror movie on some streaming service (the horror was truly paranoid, not like some girl who totally creeps me out so much that I spent the whole night pacing the streets of Chicago out of pure terror—I was actually relieved when the cops stopped me just so I wouldn't be alone!). The next day, I was a total zombie and went to my primary doctor, who gave me the first diagnosis... claustrophobia (!), and sent me for a bunch of tests which, of course, were great. Then the specialist I got a referral for gave me the second diagnosis in the series... a core personality disorder (like, I have issues with conflicting views regarding my parents, sexuality... blah, blah, blah)... I started therapy once a week at the clinic, but because of my situation (being a student), I had to go back home. There (back home... in the Midwest) I ended up in the ER, and they gave me a third diagnosis... neurotic psychosis(!).
Then it was time for the military, but out of Fear that I’d snap while I was there (if that was even possible!), I chose civil service instead. In the meantime, I was spending money on a private psychiatrist who gave me a fourth diagnosis... "Oh, come on, Kenny, it's just a common neurosis(!)"
And again... I moved back to the city after my service, decided to start over, change my friends (some of them), my surroundings, my whole life (not sure how much I pulled off), and I even live alone in an apartment now... that was two months ago, but I decided to see a new psychiatrist again, because even though I feel a little better, it just won't go away... She finally muttered a fifth diagnosis, which was either the same as or similar to the second one... a personality disorder(!). At that point, I just fell into despair, a coma of crying and sadness... I'm crazy,,, that was the only thought (even though I don't even know what a personality disorder actually is, it sounds scary enough)... but, when I brought it up to her a second time, she said it wasn't that bad and that she didn't say "personality disorder," but rather that "my personality is a little disordered"... that's not just a slip of the tongue, that's a complete disaster!!!!
... AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO THINK?????????????
I'M CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR SOME KIND OF REASSURANCE THAT I'M ACTUALLY NORMAL—THAT THIS IS JUST ANXIETY, JUST PANIC, AND THAT IT'LL PASS SO I CAN GO BACK TO BEING MYSELF, LIKE BEING ABLE TO JUST HOP ON A BUS AND TRAVEL WITHOUT HAVING TO CHUG TWO 0.5MG DOSES OF Xanax TWICE.
MY SYMPTOMS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE... THEY RANGE FROM THE STUFF YOU GUYS DESCRIBE TO... WELL, THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I GET THIS FEELING OF UNREALITY, LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST, LIKE I'M GOING TO DISAPPEAR, LIKE I'M LOSING MYSELF, OR LIKE I'M JUST NOT THERE.... FEAR OF DEATH, AND WONDERING HOW (NOT WHY, BUT HOW) I EVEN EXIST... IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS JUST SOME RINGING IN MY EARS, BUT THAT WAS ONLY WHEN THE PANIC ATTACKS WERE HAPPENING EVERY SINGLE DAY. NOW, THE ATTACKS ARE LESS FREQUENT, BUT THAT FEELING I DESCRIBED ABOVE FOLLOWS ME AROUND 24/7. THE ONLY TIME I FORGET ABOUT IT IS WHEN I'M TOTALLY ABSORBED IN SOMETHING... I TRY TO BE SOCIAL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE... BUT I FEEL TERRIBLE WHEN I'M OUTSIDE. Not too much, but the light bothers me, and I start thinking objects are going to start moving. I don't know... just all sorts of thoughts... and it's all just awful..... FOR A WHILE, I COULDN'T EVEN CROSS A BRIDGE BECAUSE I WAS SCARED, I DON'T EVEN KNOW OF WHAT... AND RECENTLY, I COULDN'T EVEN STAND NEAR TALL BUILDINGS FOR THE SAME REASON... IT'S LIKE THIS FEAR THAT I MIGHT THROW MYSELF OFF............. BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! I LOVE LIFE! I'M NOT DEPRESSED, AND THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM... IT'S LIKE THERE'S ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE ME WHO WANTS TO HURT ME, LIKE I'M FIGHTING AGAINST MYSELF.
THEN THERE'S THIS SENSE OF DISORIENTATION TOO...
BEFORE, I HAD THESE INTENSE ATTACKS OF DREAD, BUT THEY'VE MINIMIZED A BIT NOW.
ANOTHER HUGE THING... I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO CRUMBLE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MY OWN THOUGHTS, LIKE I'M GOING TO GET LOST IN MY IMAGINATION, IN EVERYTHING.... I CAN HARDLY DREAM OR EVEN THINK... IT'S HORRIBLE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, IT'S JUST TERRIBLE. ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE BED... SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE FROM A HALF-SLEEP AND HAVE NO CLUE WHERE I AM. PANIC, FEAR.... I'M DESPERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
...at first, I actually had an aversion to pills even though they prescribed Xanax; I didn't want to take it. Then everything started going south... so I started taking them, but the Xanax just numbs me out while my thoughts keep racing like crazy.
Tonight is especially rough... I ran out of my meds, ugh!!!!
So, yeah, that's where I'm at....
Does anyone else recognize this feeling, or am I totally alone in this?!!!
HELP

Posts: 7 | Location: Los Angeles | Member since: November 2001 | IP: Hidden

🙏 😁 ..hehehehehheheheheheheheheyou're right!!!!!!

🙂

...sending love....Richard Murphy6🙄

..you’re just a V., a total perfect projection screen, a medium.. kind of like Zdravko Colic, an alter ego for Arsen Dedic, maybe a more handsome version of Bregovic or Balasevic..
Maybe Jesus could have made it out after all.. I know it sounds like a long shot, but I’m still hoping.. he could have come home, convinced the old folks, the neighbors, and the whole family... found a girl to marry, lived a life full of love.. distilled some fig brandy, sipped on some Bevanda.. like a brother to the Olive on the Mountain.. when he had too much energy, go for a little jog, do some pushups... I wonder if he'd head back into the trenches again, oh Paul, death is knocking at the door...
Jesus could have found himself a friend who was smart, easygoing, and wealthy... there surely had to be a way, but you subconsciously turned his life into a living hell...
Long live Ivica Pozar Perkovic from Perkovic🙂

I can't help but wonder if Zagor would’ve been a better man if he’d just gone for that White Indian... I mean, what was his deal with her? Was she holding him back, or maybe actually helping him out? There was just something about Zagor, you know? It feels like he was channeling this latent side of himself. And Auntie knew her way around a kitchen too, which probably didn't help things along either... hmm... yeah, he really did hate it. He didn't even get to know his old folks. Honestly, he probably would’ve been crushed if he had, so he just listened to everyone else, and all they did was feed him fairytales. He really should have settled down. Ninja was way wiser, and Sumiko had so much patience... imagine what kind of kid that would’ve been! But Ninja had his own demons, too. Haragei was always giving the wrong advice—it was such a mess, and he was the only one who didn't see it coming. He needed to get married, what a fool!!! Still, he was terrified of letting the army loose. He leaned into things just a little too much, maybe. He was so young... ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Man, I could tell you the secret to setting boundaries for your ego, but honestly? You probably wouldn't even know how to cash that in. Me neither! Anyway, my first credit card bill is hitting the mailbox, and I already know I can't pay it off—not that I even want to. It’s gonna be wild. In the end, I’ll just take the hit and let them come for me. They can try to tear me apart if they want!
Today, Azra just isn't hitting the spot for me. Not this specific album, anyway.

G D F D C9 D
REF: Escape somewhere, far away, as far as possible,
where people don't need sleeping pills.
Escape somewhere, but I can't swim,
so someone please throw me a life jacket.

D C
Taxi drivers are running over pigeons,
D C
waiters are snatching and stealing,
D C
monkeys are acting wild at the entrances,
B A
I just don't want to stay in this city.

REF............

There isn't an innocent soul left over the age of fourteen,
and it’s hard to breathe at night when I lie down,
because there's a killer slumbering inside me,
and I've got to get out of here fast.

REF..........

Nervous and fast, they're stepping on my toes,
shoving their elbows right into my teeth,
but I don't care who loves me or who hates me,
I don't care if they spit on me or kiss me.

REF..........

..man, he had to die (Jesus), no matter what he was trying to symboliz!!!

. Honestly, I wasn't looking to change everything about myself—at least not that part. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were with her, but it’s just not happening... Man, I can't believe it, you're right again, Vlado... heheheheheh, I really hate it when you're right! I knew it, Vladooooo, my insides are just slamming against each other like crazy... it's like subduction. Like tectonic plates crashing together 🙂
Word and Music Sting can't stand luzin on
I've called you so many times today
And I guess it's
all true what your girlfriends say
That you don't ever want to see me again
And your brother's gonna kill me and he's six feet ten
I guess you'd call it cowardice
But I'm not prepared to go on like this

I can't, I can't
I can't stand losing
I can't, I can't
I can't stand losing
I can't, I can't
I can't
I can't stand losing you

I see you've sent my letters back
And my LP records and they're all scratched
I can't see the point in another day
When nobody listens to a word I say
You can call it lack of confidence
But to carry on living doesn't make no sense, I can't

I can't, I can't
I can't stand losing
I can't, I can't
I can't stand losing

I guess this is our last goodbye
And you don't care so I won't cry
But you'll be sorry when I'm dead
And all this guilt will be on your head
I guess you'd call it suicide
But I'm too full to swallow my pride

I can't, I can't
I can't stand losing
I can't stand losing you

And I'm not going to mess around with love ever again, Vlado. Seriously, the reactions I'm getting are enough to drive anyone crazy! Why should I give that up? But man, my whole body is tensing up, especially my heart—it's pounding! My heart has never been the problem, it's always just been my head
🙂
Maybe one day I'll finally become what I'm supposed to be, His will... ha!!!

..well, I’ve become a bit paranoid lately
Edo Majka is always such a welcome sight... come on in, Edo, we're so glad to see you! You've got that spontaneous soul, like a true traveler from the heartland.. once I survive this stretch, I'm going to start quoting Iva Andrica.. but man, when am I ever going to find a girl!!!??
pfffffffffdpffpfppffpfpppfpfpfpppppppppppppppppppp pppppppffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

EVERYTHING HAS HEADED TO HONDURAS

They've been tailing me since I was just a kid
troublemakers ready for any kind of mess
they adapt to every single change
man, oh man, they just keep coming

I’m watching out for all sorts of characters
from those juvenile delinquents
to those old creeps who just won't quit
man, oh man, even the nationalists

Honestly, I’m getting a little tired of all this pressure,
take it easy guys, I don't have a neck made of brass.
Seriously, did anyone actually show up without immediately nagging and suffocating me?...
Fewer and fewer guys like us are sticking around
everything else headed to Honduras a long time ago
while we try to fail scientifically, at least with some dignity

I’ve got these guys following me, talking big
they're loudmouths by nature
mostly looking for a confrontation
man, oh man, always pushing back

I stay clear of those wild girls
there are plenty of good reasons for that
you never know who they're actually waiting for
man, oh man, who they're flirting with instead

now I'm getting a bit fed up with the pressure
slow down boys, my neck isn't made of metal
did anyone ever reach out without trying to harass or stifle me first?
fewer and fewer types like us remain
everything else went to Honduras ages ago
we're just trying to go down scientifically, but with class

Faces are following me, people who say
that they're troublemakers by default
they bully you pretty relentlessly
man, oh man, they just eliminate you

I steer clear of double entendres
stupid questions and sudden flashes of nonsense
I'm totally done with certain "brotherhoods"
man, oh man, and the bureaucracy too

now I've had enough of the pressure
easy there Dmomci, I don't have a neck of Dmesing
has anyone shown up without immediately being an Anija and Ddaviti...
D all the fewer Gtipovs staying Gpoput us
everything else Dodavno has gone to Dhonduras
we Atrudimo ourselves scientifically to Apropadnuti at least dostoDjanstvenoD

Let them all just head to Honduras, let everyone go to beautiful Honduras!

Either they head to Kaunas, or to Honduras, honestly, better to go to Honduras.

If everyone just heads to Honduras, there'll be more room for us here,
let them all go to Honduras, they can go enjoy the bananas there.

Just let them head off to Honduras, let everyone go to Honduras!

Let them all go to beautiful Honduras...

..if you want to truly understand, you've got to endure it all
if you're trying to change people, just don't even bother
I dreamed a dream, but honestly, everything feels the same to me now—I’m just going deep
my boundaries are leaking everywhere... there's no crossing point, nothing like a border town in Texas... I think I'm not even afraid of death anymore
all I know is I'll probably never find a wife who actually gets me, and I've pretty much made my peace with that
you guys have launched me high into the air
and while I search through your shadow for those lost years
and look for things in your words that aren't even there
Maybe not taking my pills was just another way of being self-destructive
Kenny, I'm out here shining with someone else's light; I only just realized what Gruden was saying after reading the New Testament and the bitter
And I simply can't bring myself to enjoy the progress, and I have my reasons. In everything, there isn't a single soul who has changed faster or healed from Fear more quickly... there isn't one... I've looked everywhere, from boarding schools to the rural Midwest, and they told me it doesn't exist... brothers aren't brought to you by fate, they're born to you by your mothers

..you’re getting close, champ. You’re just spinning your wheels because of Fear. You have no clue how much I’ve struggled or the kinds of hurdles I run into—things and people that weigh on me just by being there. You’ve gotta break through that circle of fear... because it’s natural. It’s who you are. It’s your right—whether you call it God or just nature. You’re going to have to be strong enough to toss it all aside... everything. Every single thought, every outside suggestion from everyone else... and even then, you won't be certain.
It’s honestly pathetic listening to certain people and actually believing them, let alone living through it... and man, listing those people is just exhausting. Those people are *you*. And with everything you’ve learned, you have to push even further... or maybe you don't. Inertia got you moving, and eventually, it’ll stop. But the worst thing? Going in circles... at least if you ask me.
You probably won't get what I'm talking about right away.
Being completely without fear is possible, but absolutely...
if you're curious about how to look for it.
And you’ll only start looking for ways when you’re suffering deeply, and believe me, I have.
The answers are right there near you—in books, or I could tell you myself, but you won't trust me... I intentionally gave you some authors so you could help me out too... but you didn't want to. It was harder for me, but also better. In fact, it was necessary to pull myself in just a little bit tighter.
You have no idea the kind of crazy thoughts that race through my head. The chaos that erupts when thousands of poets, authors, psychoanalysts... their views start flooding my mind in this desperate search for solutions. The doubts, the dilemmas... you have no idea how hard it is. That’s exactly why so many people just quit. They get scared. They stop reading, stop listening to music, stop watching TV... but I haven't stopped, because that isn't me. I don't stop... I vanish (if you catch my drift).
You have no idea what it feels like when everything you thought you knew turns against you right in front of your eyes, like something out of Star Wars, when you collapse in an instant like Peter or whoever else goes toward Jesus and starts doubting themselves... or loses their faith... and falls into the water.
And don't even get me started on people... how many of them can just shatter your faith. They can tear you down, yet somehow strengthen you, but only when you're already strong... and which neurotic person is actually strong!!!!!
You have to be able to jump from science to mysticism, from a spiritual calling to the fruits of the earth... from a Diary to Peter Pan... finding that meaning. From Djindic to Josip Broz Marshall... from Doors to Drago Bogdan... you have to find the common thread. You need to go to bed and wake up with the same quality and quantity of consciousness. You have to leap from Reebok to Twixy, then to Psihocandy... or whatever else. You have to encompass it all and rationalize it... put it into logical boxes... then tear it down and build it back up... all for the sake of truth. And honestly, I really don't think I've done anything special, because I haven't.
Eventually, everyone will have to walk this path... just like Gruden says when things start getting really painful.
You actually have a huge "advantage" (anxiety). You need to learn how to turn the bad into good... and if everyone agrees that stage fright is a positive thing, then I don't know what to tell you about anxiety disorders. To me, that's just pure energy to keep you moving forward... or to destroy you. Gruden says there is no evil or good. It all just depends on our (old) way of thinking. That's why I don't care when people vent to me on their phones. Honestly, it's the same when I watch people dying, or crying... or fighting... or perishing. I take the words of Reebok regarding Adolf Hitler. It's all dangerous. It's even more dangerous to be unnatural. That's why I understand both Stulic and Harry Potter. Potter chose the "good" school instead of the bad one (can't remember the name)... anyway, the good in me is stronger.
And I know (mostly) all the reasons why I shouldn't be nice.
The only thing I care about is this girl... though I'm prepared to throw that away too.
I saw her crying today... part of me was tearing up, screaming inside... but I didn't even move. I know her soul, just like I know the soul of every person... and animals, too. I talk to them like Thomas Aquinas.
She doesn't believe I can help her... she's not the only one who doesn't believe me... it's just that she's the only one I care about. I know her ideals, I know her every thought... I know her God.
I don't know what tomorrow brings. And how am I supposed to think about fifteen years from now... especially now that I've almost tamed time itself, when nothing means anything to me anymore.
How many people actually believe me while reading this? It's funny... they'll just rationalize it somehow, find an excuse not to believe me... that's why you really have to be strong... and believe.
Look, any psychologist or psychiatrist worth their salt is going to tell you that faith is a huge deal... Personally, I’m heading off to listen to Edo Majka... Have you checked out the new album yet, or are you just too scared of a little enlightenment?
And the song goes... get everybody outside so I can beat you up!
Man, screw that jerk Eminem! 😁

..and I absolutely love Eminem..don't even ask why

I'm sorry Mom, I never intended to cause you pain; I just felt this overwhelming urge to drive a shovel straight through your mind to erase everything you put me through...

Is that why? 🙄 😉 😁

On my end, it's 😁