Jack Perez3 said:Greetings to all you lovely lunatics—I’ve been lurking here for quite a while now... what, since I was sixteen? I'm twenty-three today. Currently, I’m navigating my way through college, dealing with a rather dysfunctional family dynamic. To be clear, there hasn't been any physical violence—thank goodness—but the core values in our household are incredibly warped. It’s essentially a domino effect—once the traditional roles within the family start to shift out of alignment, everything else follows suit.
I have always been a bit of an outlier—a bit of a misfit, if you will—and growing up, alcohol was never viewed as a true villain in my household. It was just part of the fabric of life, much like how certain habits are deeply ingrained in many traditional American families. My grandfathers were all heavy drinkers, and as for my father... well, I often wonder if he might have found more fulfillment in life had he chosen a different path.
During my teenage years, I went through an incredibly intense period of emotional turbulence—the kind of stress that feels almost impossible to process. Rather than facing it head-on, I tended to suppress everything. I found myself throwing all my energy into schoolwork and extracurricular activities just to keep my head above water, though even that couldn't quite mask the several heavy depressive episodes I endured. Eventually, I sought help from a psychologist—not a private specialist, but someone through a public clinic—who provided me with therapy. Once things finally started looking up and I felt more stable, I decided to stop the treatment sessions. 🙄
Years after that period—despite having achieved academic success and facing a promising career path ahead—I find myself back on Sertraline. A few months ago, I reached a breaking point and attempted suicide; I only reconsidered at the very last second—not necessarily for my own sake, but because I couldn't bear the thought of the immense suffering it would inflict on my mother. Following that crisis, I returned to my psychiatrist, who has since increased my dosage to 125 mg of Sertraline daily.
Because my core values and outlook on life have shifted so drastically, I find myself completely unable to maintain any kind of emotional connection. It all traces back to the first one—the relationship that truly broke me—and ever since then, there has been nothing. It has been eight years now. For some reason, I find myself instinctively pushing men away, even though I am an attractive woman with a very strong drive.
Please forgive me for such an extensive introduction—I realize it’s a bit much—but I felt it was necessary to provide more context so you all can truly grasp the nuances of the situation at hand.
The issue I am addressing here concerns an escalating dependency on both alcohol and diazepam. My history with drinking began back in high school—mostly just social drinking when going out, which felt relatively standard and wasn't particularly serious at the time. However, over the last... well, I can't say for certain, perhaps eighteen months or even two years, I have transitioned into consuming alcohol every single night. There were the occasional instances where I didn't drink—usually after an incredibly grueling shift at work where exhaustion simply knocked me out—but primarily, I rely on alcohol to help me drift off. That was my justification in the beginning—a sort of mental crutch—but the truth is simpler: I genuinely enjoy it. In fact, I enjoy it more than almost anything else in the world. As my tolerance has steadily climbed, my physician prescribed some Valium for me—and naturally, I began taking them alongside the alcohol. That sensation of being completely intoxicated—it is truly indescribable. My current objective is to sustain that state for as long as humanly possible. Just a few days ago, I consumed over half a liter of beer while simultaneously taking four 10 mg doses of Valium—spaced out by about an hour each. When I step back and look at the math, I’ve ingested 40 mg of medication plus alcohol; I cannot even begin to fathom the toll this is taking on my liver, especially considering my body weight is only about 110 pounds.
As I sit here typing this to you all—currently resting at a mere 1.0 on the Normabel scale—I’ve already polished off about 0.3 liters of beer; however, I fully intend to grab another round shortly, as the beverage is certainly doing its job of getting things moving!🙄
The core issue—and this is difficult to articulate—is that I’ve realized my cognitive functions are slipping, leaving me with absolutely no drive for anything at all. It used to be that a single midterm would send me into a complete frenzy... but now? I am nearing the end of my degree at State University, facing one final, crucial exam tomorrow that requires serious focus, yet I know nothing. To make matters worse, I’ve been lying to my family, telling them I’ve been studying for months when I haven't even started. I lack any sense of motivation; I have no idea what I want from life, no clear direction—even though I used to be so goal-oriented. If there is a silver lining to this state of being, it is that I am no longer as deeply depressed as I once was. I have reached a sort of grim acceptance regarding my own existence—a realization that I simply cannot take my own life—and nothing seems to rattle me anymore. I don't perceive risk in anything; everything feels... flat. When bad news hits, my only response is, "Well, that's just how it is," or "It will work out; it has to." Instead of spiraling, I just drift right back into the emptiness in my head. In the past, I could never achieve this kind of detachment without trying—but now, it happens effortlessly. I can just stare at a pencil for hours on end, completely unburdened by thought.
The core of my struggle—and it is quite a significant hurdle—is that I simply cannot find the willpower to focus or engage with the material. To be perfectly honest, the subject matter itself fails to capture my interest; I have serious doubts about whether I will ever pursue this field in my professional life—it just doesn't resonate with me. However, I am in a bit of a bind—I really ought to sit for this final exam at least to satisfy my parents and get it over with—but even that feels like an insurmountable task right now. I am just completely stuck.
If anyone happens to have some advice to share—please, don't hold back—I'd certainly appreciate it. As for me, I'm heading out for another Bud Light and a protein bar 🎉
Just try
heroin.
It'll be your first, last, and only true love at first sight. [honestly+satire alert]
Until everything snaps..........
The silver lining is that I'm not feeling as depressed anymore. I've basically made peace with the fact that I can't kill myself, and nothing really gets under my skin anymore. Nothing shakes me. I don't see any risk in anything; everything just feels... flat. When I hear bad news, I'm just like, whatever, it is what it is... it'll work out, it has to. I don't even think about it anymore; I just go back to the emptiness in my head.
Try looking at it as just a phase of being "numb."
How is it that all this wasted time, these missed opportunities and decisions... within this "numbness"... all these fake, accumulated problems... could actually be the trigger for those feelings to come rushing back? And not the good kind. Especially if, during that turning point, you're stuck without an immediate way out... that "numbness" and "lack of thought" could turn into pure hysteria, filled with all those suppressed, obsessive, dark thoughts. A state where that thing you couldn't do yesterday—like wanting to end it—feels distant and foreign, like it never existed. A moment where a razor blade [or maybe... pills, before... 😬] might stop being a best friend... and become a reality you can't control, or even want to control within your "normal boundaries"... A "moment" where you aren't thinking... you're just acting?
My biggest issue is that I have zero willpower to focus or study. I'm not even interested in my major and I doubt I'll ever work in this field, but I need to pass this one final exam just for my parents' sake and then I'm done. But I can't even manage that...
Living for anyone else or doing things just to please someone... making sacrifices against your own will... or just letting life roll in whatever direction it wants... that's a surefire way to lose yourself. And once you're gone, it's incredibly hard, if not impossible, to find that person again. To even find a starting point; to find where that "self"—the one with drive, desire, or interest—could even exist. If that version of you that was capable of caring, that lived by its own rules, vanishes... you might just freeze it out forever. You get caught in a vicious cycle where you can't even realize you didn't just leave, but were pushed away, erased, or denied....... completely lost.
If anyone’s got some advice, just throw it out there. I'm heading out to grab another beer and a protein bar 🎉
Try hanging out with yourself for once. Actually talk to yourself. Stop fighting everything or running away, hiding behind some distorted lens to see what you want to see. When you mix flirting with beers and booze... your liver might end up being the least of your problems. Through all that mental fog... you could drift way, way off course... toward the end... instead of where you actually need to be... back at the start.......
Maybe not. Maybe you're exactly where you're supposed to be [grinding, working, pushing..].
Not a thought worth tossing out just yet... I guess..