Posts by Peter Murphy6

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

Ugh (just a quick, sharp exhale through the nose).

I'm not trying to be mean here.

But I honestly don't have anything else to say.

Joseph Bailey41 said:Well, you read it exactly as it was written. 😁

To me, goats have a bit of an odor, but I absolutely love goat milk.

As far as people go, I find those who don't wash themselves or their clothes to be the ones who smell, as well as people who overdo it with perfume, aftershave, or deodorant. Skin color has absolutely nothing to do with it for me. Even though I'm super sensitive to scents, I've never made that connection. A friend of mine adopted a dark-skinned child, and they just smell like... a kid. 🤷

I actually love that goat scent—especially when there's a whole bunch of them around you. That warm fur, the sound of them chewing, and that sort of green, healthy, herbal vibe they have.
It's actually pretty calming 🤷 It's cozy in the herd 😬
And man, I live for goat milk.

Anyway, OP, did autocorrect glitch on you? I see some weird accents in there so the title is a little confusing. 🤔

Man, that’s just sensitive stuff—thick, chilled, and served at the perfect temp 😍
Hey, let's not go off-topic here, alright? Peace.
👋

It's sweet of you to think of me 😒

I literally caught the scent of leather 🕺
Goats actually smell pretty good 🐔

Nothing smart to add here, sorry 🙂

Betty Fowler said:Well, as long as you're feeling down, I guess I'm doing alright.

Glad to hear you're feeling good 🙂

Betty Fowler said:Are you happy now?

Nah—giving in to stuff like that doesn't make me happy, it just makes me feel blue.

Betty Fowler said:I’m a sensitive person—you really should have known that by now.

I really wanted to see you.
My bad, that was pretty low of me.

Betty Fowler said:If I didn't have such a nice head on my shoulders, I might have hit it against the table after reading nonsense like that.

boldnomad45, you're talking about the causes of alcoholism, while Peter Murphy6 is discussing psychological mechanisms. Neither of those points refutes the fact that alcohol releases dopamine in the brain, creating physical pleasure. That’s all I ever said—alcohol provides pleasure. The same applies to cigarettes. Just because you’re coughing, smelling like smoke, and gasping for air after walking a few steps doesn't mean cigarettes don't provide satisfaction.

I’d ask you to teach me, but I really don't want to be suffocated by another one of your mile-long messages.
☕

Work on your poker face—my opinion shouldn't even matter to you.

Betty Fowler said:Sure, but alcoholics feel shame and disgust too, and that doesn't mean they aren't getting a hit from the booze.

They’re actually getting a kick out of the shame and the disgust, not the booze. It’s all part of a defense mechanism—turning the "negative" into something "positive" just to run away from themselves.

Clearly, you don't know much about how people actually tick.

I could try to act all wise... but I really don't want to 🙂

Ali, look—if you're this fired up about stuff that's messing with your soul, why aren't you just as pissed at actual insanity? If you're gonna be angry, fine. But don't get mad at "their" version of things. Get mad at your own. "They" will label anything they can't control as "not normal." So, what's actually not normal to you? Or better yet—what's your version of normal?

Just be like everyone else 😬 (as if you even have a choice) and go ahead—pick your own specific blend of "weirdly normal" 🎉

That whole thing about being on the edge of death? It’s way heavier than actual dying. Instinctively, we all feel that echo collectively, and people don't actually change it—they just reshape it to fit themselves. Just like you, just like me. Honestly? Just listen to them, listen to yourself, listen to how they react to themselves... it's a lot more peaceful than fighting it.

For me, madness is just endless frustration and hate. Everything else is up for debate, ali, I'm not gonna go around calling everything "insane."

It's interesting, though I know you don't care right now because it hurts too much. But it seems like the right side of my brain takes the hit way harder than the left. It's weird to me—it feels totally unexpected, yet somehow completely logical at the same time.

Donna White50 said:I'm not arguing with my mom; I just cut ties with her indefinitely...
Also, looking at it from where I stand now regarding fears, I've conquered a sea of them. There was a time I couldn't even leave the house, but today I walk the streets freely and hold my own with anyone. My emotional side is a bit messy, and I have this drive to fight for myself—I don't know why, maybe because I feel like I don't deserve to be first, so I let others take the best parts and I'll just settle for whatever's left. But damn, the best cuts go first, leaving me with nothing but scraps...
Maybe the fear is just about massive change. I hate change. I hate it when my life gets flipped upside down—it makes me feel helpless, like I'm losing control, knowing I can never go back to how things were...
I'd rather die than just shrug my shoulders and stay put. The old ways satisfy me, even with tiny improvements.

See? Things aren't actually that bad after all.
You stood up for yourself—totally naturally—without any issues at all.

Do you think you shouldn't be afraid of change?

Personally, I’m "only" not afraid because, like I said, I'm used to sudden and sometimes pretty drastic shifts.
You just lean into that sense of habit, and honestly, the thought just becomes "who gives a f*ck anymore."

I brought up your mom because you mentioned living a life of constant fighting with a mother who screwed you over. (Which, hey, just makes things harder for you—you're holding yourself back and shifting the blame onto her.)
I really hope that move you made brought you some kind of peace.

I think I get what's holding you back—it's the hurdles.
Be there for yourself, not in relation to anyone else. You're competing with yourself and your own limits, not comparing yourself to other people.
Given your own situation and what you're capable of, are you (right now) at an objectively satisfying level of winning against your own demons?

And that whole idea of "shaking it off"... that's a pretty subjective thing...

Donna White50 said:So maybe you did heal from the need to control everything—just let go... and started embracing how unpredictable life can be.
I bet that wasn't an easy road to walk... it’s tough to just throw yourself out there trusting that things will eventually work out.

For me, letting go would mean ditching everything I try to manage—stuff that's actually suffocating me, like my wife, my career, my investments. Basically, I’d be living this totally aimless life, riding motorcycles and getting caught up in shallow flings... In short, I'd basically be a total loser...
It doesn't sound like much of a life, which is why I don't live it. Instead, I'm stuck in a marriage with a woman who doesn't love me, fighting with my mom who really screwed me over, grinding at work just to feel like I've made it, and dreaming about all that—clinging to the illusion that any of it will bring actual happiness, even though I know deep down it won't...
So then I turn to things like tempered bombs and just self-destructing a little, just to prove to myself that some kid actually has worth, because otherwise... I don't really feel that way.
Lately, heartbreak is hitting me pretty hard so I'm feeling a bit wrecked, but regardless... going through a breakup is never easy...

Are we really talking about a "slacker life," or is it more about what that lifestyle represents to you?
Did you settle down with a wife or build a career because you actually wanted them, or because of what they symbolize? Who are you trying to prove something to? If you "fail," who are you actually disappointing?

People tend to surround themselves with status symbols to satisfy their cravings, but when they realize those symbols don't actually fulfill them, everything starts feeling pointless.

The "slacker life" doesn't appeal to me at all—I found my freedom somewhere else, deep inside. I used to crave that kind of reckless living back when I was constantly rebelling against my parents, but after that, I swung wildly toward the opposite extreme, again just to push back against them.
Where was "me" in all that?
Where are *you* in all this?
What are you using to validate yourself?

Real success is conquering yourself—so, have you been conquering yourself, or just the ideas your parents had for you?

I didn't "cure" myself of control; I just realized what I can actually handle and what's completely out of my hands. I was basically forced to accept life's uncertainty—it's the only constant I've got.

I just ran out of energy to be afraid.

Either I land on my feet or I don't; honestly, I don't care, there's no middle ground. Besides, I'd rather "die" staying stagnant than just shake it off and move on.

A little blood never hurt anyone—I'm used to it—and the scars are just there to tell the story.
Most people I know (trying to be politically correct here so I don't sound arrogant 🤣 ) find that whatever they grab onto turns out surprisingly well, so I think I'm just waiting for the moment I truly let go and hit the ground. But that won't happen unless I actually "dive in."
I'm looking for failure.

Why are you still fighting with your mother?

Donna White50 said:Fair enough, you found your way... but let me ask you, are you sure you're actually healed and not just masking the pain?
Because I went through this amazing stretch in my life where I honestly thought I'd made massive progress and left all my baggage behind. Turns out, I was dead wrong, and it totally bit me in the ass.
Maybe things just finally started looking up for you, which is why you can afford to pass now. But I can tell you for a fact—all that buried stuff eventually needs to come out and be dealt with. If you're actually okay, fine. But if you aren't? It's basically a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right moment to blow up—like losing a job, a breakup, a death in the family, or getting sick...

I basically wrote a whole novel here, typical me. 🙄

Let me try to cut to the chase.

First off, being alone doesn't scare me.

Second, death and illness are extreme situations. You can't prep for those.
You can't prepare for every single thing life throws at you; you can only trust yourself to handle it when it happens.
Honestly, this is one of the first things on this forum I feel like I've really processed alongside someone else.

Third, losing a job? 🤣

(That's me, though—I totally get what you're saying)

Those aren't the things that trigger my time bomb.

Life hasn't exactly "started looking up"—if anything, this is the toughest era of my life. Before this, things felt "easy" because I was just oblivious.

Those periods were exactly like what you described. Everything was "great" right until the next crash.
That's why I can see the difference now. An "amazing period" is just an amazing period. Just like a bad period is just a bad period. What I'm talking about is the space above, below, or tucked between those two—inner peace.

I locked that time bomb in an airtight room, then I triggered it myself, and then did it again. I gave *myself* permission to let it go off, so I don't have to worry about anyone else pulling the pin on me.
It isn't a "time bomb" anymore. Now, it's just a bomb. And honestly? A little explosion here and there works for me.

An explosion while the timer is still ticking is way more dangerous, and yeah, that fear is justified. I used to play high stakes, and I could afford the risk.

Who knows what life has in store? No clue.
My fears about the future usually vanish the second I actually say them out loud.

Ever since I realized that, my fears evaporate so easily it actually scares me a little. 😬

Can I live without my fears?
Can you live without your time bomb?
It looks like, at the end of the day, I'm not driven or defined by fear, but by something else entirely.
What about you?

Problems aren't behind me—they're ahead, inside, outside, everywhere. But they aren't the only thing that makes up a life.

I've freed myself from the fear of my own self in that regard, but I hear you loud and clear. I've been there too.

The Short Version 🤦

EDIT: The answer is—I haven't healed, and I haven't just patched things up. From what? From myself? 🐔 Is that even possible?
Too much time has passed to rip out all the pieces of who I am just to replace them with some "ideal version" (you know, the socially acceptable one).

Donna White50 said:So, it wasn't even like you were struggling that much—it’s not like you actually needed a hand... But honestly, who’s to say you wouldn't be moving way faster if you did?...

Do I really need to lay out my whole life story just to prove "credibility"? Not happening.

Nobody was around to help back when I actually "needed" it—I didn't have any options, so I just had to grit my teeth and figure it out myself. Now that things are looking up and I actually have choices, I just don't feel like it.

And honestly, there are probably plenty of other people out there stuck in the same boat with zero options.

If I’d stumbled upon this thread back when I was commenting on it, man, it would've helped me out big time.

Donna White50 said:Because it's just the truth. Sure, we all figure things out on our own once someone finally points us in the right direction—once they explain why everything feels so broken, why we act the way we do, or what the root cause is behind all those patterns we picked up growing up in our parents' house...
I guess I think I can handle everything alone, which is probably why therapy isn't clicking for me... but then again, I usually realize I *can't* do it solo, because if I actually could, I wouldn't be sitting here right now. It's all pretty heavy stuff...

Look, I'm seeing the progress. These last two or three years have built up more of who I am than everything that came before.

One of these days I'll "treat" myself to a session with a pro once I've "finished." Not just because I can, but because I *have* to—I need to be able to explain to myself why I was "messed up" (to me, that's not a permanent mental state, just a temporary one—how does it feel for you?)

At the end of the day, that's your truth, and this is mine—we both chose them for ourselves.
So, what's the priestess's truth?

Donna White50 said:Nobody ever actually gave you empathy—they just pitied you. That's why you hate it when someone tries to understand or sympathize with you; you feel like they're looking down on you, basically telling you how broken, bad, or worthless you are...
People need love and empathy, just like every kid needs to feel worthy and accepted. I reject it too, which means I'm just pushing away the people who actually want to love me.

You can't do this alone—you need a pro for that. You can't even explain to strangers here what's hurting you, let alone figure out the "why" behind everything happening inside your head. Alone, you can only hibernate—just like me, shutting down where it hurts most instead of actually fixing the problem.

Man, I really wanted to push back against that idea—like, why wouldn't you be able to do it yourself? Why are you basically beating yourself up over this?

Then it hit me—wait, am I talking to you or just to myself?

The truth is, the best expert you've got is *you*. You're doing the work right now, and honestly, you're doing it better than anyone else could—nobody can step in and do it for you.

Now I'm starting to wonder... am I even talking to you, or just my own reflection? 🕺

Laura Castillo6 said:Think of it like a mechanism: whenever you ask "why," the brain feels it "must" simultaneously provide a "because." That's how things evolve—like how a seemingly useless object eventually becomes a tool or a weapon. That's basically how intelligence develops.

From today's perspective, things seem supernatural. But back in the day, what we call supernatural was just reality to people. Nowadays, it's pretty hard to claim a natural phenomenon is truly supernatural. Sure, at first glance, something might look otherworldly, but once the dust settles, we run tests and find a natural explanation.

That's because saying "a higher power caused this" isn't really an answer anymore—not today, anyway (though you have to admit, it was a perfectly fine answer in the past).

The real answer lies in the mechanism—how it actually happened. Once you explain the process, the "supernatural" label disappears. This is because once we understand the mechanism, we can often replicate it in a lab, making it a tangible part of the human experience. We even go so far as to try and "capture" the supernatural to figure out its inner workings. It's just the way we handle questions.

Take psychosis, for example. People used to think someone was possessed by a demon. For a huge chunk of the population, that was living proof of the supernatural. But the group of people who didn't buy that explanation is exactly the group that started studying brain function. Today, very few people in developed countries believe mental illness is a matter of demonic possession. Modern neuroscience and psychiatry have provided enough real answers and developed medications to address it. We've even reached the point where we can implant devices in the brain to manage epilepsy by sending electrical impulses, essentially curing the condition for some.

Just to be clear—when I say "supernatural," I’m not talking about gods or religion. Not at all. I mean the literal, unexplained stuff happening right in front of us—or even inside us—that science just hasn't been able to touch yet. There are so many things we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of.
You can talk all you want and try to make sense of it, but honestly? There’s zero proof—no actual, solid explanation to back any of it up.

Saying a rational explanation exists "just because" most things are already explained—to me, that's basically just dogma. It really just reinforces this whole obsession with stripping away anything supernatural or "unexplained."
Maybe I could say something about getting closer to people.

I don't buy into any "higher powers" above us—honestly, I’d go as far as saying I *know* it—but I do think there are things out there we might just never be able to wrap our heads around. If we can't explain them, fine, call it "supernatural." Whatever. But if we actually feel them? Well, then they aren't some outside force anymore—they just become a part of who we are.

No matter how much I hype myself up—and yeah, maybe I exaggerate a bit—I still can’t help but feel like humans are way more powerful than we actually care to admit.
Saying the supernatural doesn't exist is just as pointless as claiming it does. Honestly—it’s all just noise.

I'm not saying you actually said anything—just throwing a thought out there.

I'm pretty much on board with most of these posts—specifically when it comes to how the whole mechanism works.

Look, epilepsy is one thing, psychosis is a whole different beast—and don't even get me started on extremes. Then you've got controlled conditions, which is a fourth thing entirely.

Edit: Alright, I see I'm totally clogging up this thread—time to stop hijacking everyone else's posts and actually start my own threads with some real questions instead. 🙂

Laura Castillo6 said:It’s really just because the primate brain is hardwired to hunt for explanations. Like, even right now, you’re asking "why."

Back in the day, those answers were pretty basic—you know, thinking thunder was some higher power or a god punishing people. Fast forward to today, and we have a much more detailed, scientific way of explaining why storms actually happen.

It’s just how our brains evolved. Historically, that instinct leaned heavily toward religious thinking because, honestly, it served a purpose for survival back then. Even now, most of us still carry around those little bits of superstition or religious leanings. That’s why modern science had to make such a clear distinction by stripping away anything supernatural; in the realm of science, everything has to be grounded in the natural world.

Is it giving or seeking? Or is it both happening at once?

I get what you're saying, but—honestly—you didn't really answer my question. 🕺
Why does it *have* to be the supernatural?

Sure, we figured out why thunder rolls, but there's so much stuff that hasn't even been touched yet, and it constantly gets tossed into the "supernatural" bucket.
Why the supernatural? Why isn't this just a "blind spot" in the human mind instead of being labeled "supernatural"?
I don't think I've ever met a single person who was 100% rational—someone who hasn't experienced, heard about, or even considered something "supernatural" or "spiritual." They probably exist somewhere, sure. But if it's baked into us to this extent... why?

Actually, I'll just answer myself. 😵
Maybe it's because without the supernatural—that need for the unexplained—there wouldn't even be a drive to find facts in the first place? 🤔
Maybe that whole human instinct to provide and seek explanations is actually being driven by the evolution of supernatural ideas?

Laura Castillo6 said:Honestly, I think the answer is pretty straightforward. Our brains are full of neurons. Those cells have synapses that allow them to communicate—basically exchanging data or bits of information. It's this constant, non-stop activity that allows us to build a complete "picture" of our surroundings. Here is a cool look at how neurons create new connections "in vitro":

Personally, I find it much easier to wrap my head around "hallucinations" now. I put that in quotes because, in the moment, the person experiencing it still sees a "picture"—it's just a distorted version of reality. Basically, those neural particles are malfunctioning, so they provide a warped image. They lie to the person about the information coming from their environment; like seeing a car parked in front of the house and feeling like it's actually following you. You often see religious hallucinations too, likely because the human brain evolved to believe in the supernatural.

Now, you can choose to obsess over all of this. Or, you can just appreciate the everyday stuff—yourself, life, the things that happen to you, and so on. But if you spend all your time stuck in that headspace, life passes you by, you waste precious time, and you'll end up forgetting to eat.
Psychosis is a very specific state of consciousness. Shamans and fools both go to great lengths using various substances to try and reach that exact state. In certain parts of the world, they actually celebrate people experiencing psychosis, having no clue at all that the individual is actually suffering from a mental disorder. It makes you wonder if many famous religious figures were actually born out of hallucinations?!

When I watch a video like the one above, the only part I find truly interesting is the research itself—trying to find a definitive answer for how the brain actually functions. Everything else is just noise.

Why though?

Jamie Davis9 said:Charles, if you actually have this protective instinct buried somewhere inside you but just don't know how to channel it, you really ought to read her post. 🙂 She makes some incredibly profound points:

Thanks, but before my ego gets way too big—since you actually hit on that one inspiring quality I'm constantly chasing but rarely feel like I've mastered—wisdom—I gotta mention that I've been having a serious internal debate about this whole idea of love being a form of ownership. 😲

I'm not talking about owning a person, or any part of them. It's more about owning yourself, because you're the one who actually holds the love, not the recipient. You basically project a shield over the person you care about, trying to "possess" them.

It’s kind of discouraging, honestly—after all the mental gymnastics and self-defense philosophies, it all just boils down to honor in the end.

Anyway... who even is Charles? 🐔

Carl Rivera43 said:It’s not about whether we've changed or stayed the same. It's really about just saying what's actually on your mind instead of just reciting lines from some textbook written by a bunch of pseudo-psychology analysts.

Don't insult me, Master.

Look, I am the definition of selfish—where did you get the idea that I'd ever quote anyone else to back up my own thoughts?
I don't think I've ever cited someone else just to validate my own "theory."
Let alone go out and read books about it.
I've got my own playbook in my head, and I know exactly how to find it and speak my truth.

So yeah, every single word is mine. If you personally don't like my take on things, well, that's your problem.