I think it’s useful during parenting to ask oneself: would I be okay with this? Like, you try telling your partner about your day, but they’re just staring at their iPhone, giving you some half-hearted "uh-huh" while they zone out.
Or maybe you’re feeling down and you open up to someone important, only for them to brush you off with, "Come on, it's not a big deal, don't be so dramatic."
Or you make plans with someone close to go somewhere together, they flake, and then when you try to address it, they just shut you down and tell you to stop overreacting.
Or you’ve been working all day and just want to come home and relax with your partner, but they tell you: "Go play in your room, I don't have time right now."
And so on. 😳
Yeah, that whole "how would I feel" technique is solid. It really makes you realize how often people just act completely reckless with kids—ignoring their feelings and what they actually need.
William Thompson10 said:Exactly—mom, and just mom.
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or being self-righteous about it. It’s more about those heavy moments when I see my son’s sadness, for instance, because his dad couldn't make it out for a bike ride due to exhaustion. He was really looking forward to us all riding together. That's just one small example from a long list. Honestly, I feel like I'm failing at every turn, constantly feeling like I'm falling short as a parent. The biggest waves of judgment and criticism usually hit when I mention that I went to the coast with my ex-wife. 😁. I can already see the backlash starting here, too.
Personally, I don't see the big deal. As long as the parents are cool with it and it doesn't mess up anyone's future, who cares? My brother’s ex actually comes over to our place all the time (honestly, she gets along better with the rest of us than she does with him 🤣) and they spend almost every summer together.
In my situation, my ex-husband used to come over with his new wife and their kid, and I’d head over to their place too. For a while, it was totally fine—we actually made it work pretty smoothly. I really wish we could have kept it that way, but since he can't seem to sit down and have a normal conversation or make a simple agreement, everything just turned into a massive headache...
Noah Fowler3 said:The biggest blunder parents make is treating their kids as if they are somehow less important. Saying things like, "You're just a kid, you'll understand when you're older," or, "Your teacher is going to hear about this, how could she give you a D in math?"
Most parents end up doing more harm than good. They don't realize they're hurting them by essentially putting them under a "glass bell jar."
Maybe the best example of this unfair dynamic is asking a kid how their day went, while simultaneously expecting them to spill everything. Then, when the kid asks you the exact same thing back, you just give a one-word answer instead of actually engaging.
Just remember. Kids often have a much more developed sense of non-verbal communication than most adults do.
This stuff used to drive me absolutely insane when I was a kid, and honestly? It didn't get any better once I grew up... if anything, it’s actually worse now... ☕.
aquamarine blue... just nothing else quite hits like it. honestly. it’s that perfect vibe, you know? almost like looking at the ocean out in Malibu on a clear afternoon... just pure, unadulterated bliss. everything else feels kinda dull by comparison... anyway, just my two cents. The user says: You guys nailed those mistakes, seriously. But let me throw another one on the pile: overprotecting kids to the point where they grow up totally clueless and too terrified to even move on their own. It’s that classic helicopter parenting bullshit. And honestly? It usually goes hand-in-hand with the other stuff. Then you've got the coldness, the verbal abuse, the physical violence... but the psychological stuff? That’s way worse. It's more pervasive, way more insidious, and ultimately much more destructive...
I'm with you on that. It’s easy enough to get fired up against old-school, physical violence because, eventually, you realize that just isn't normal... But when someone does everything for you? When they’re always "the good guy," being sweet and constantly stepping in to bail you out? Man, it's way harder to break free from that kind of setup. You end up feeling like absolute garbage... and let's be real, you probably turned out pretty helpless and incapable because of that whole "upbringing" style...
I’ve got a situation going on right near me... honestly, everything was done with the best of intentions, I get that, but man... this person basically handed their kids a massive, impossible headache to deal with as an inheritance. Just a total nightmare waiting to happen...
I suppose I should have anticipated that this would become our topic of the day, though I find myself somewhat unprepared for the inevitable debate it will surely spark among us. ruggedscout76 says: Topic of the day: What is the single greatest mistake a parent can make when raising a child?
Or perhaps it’s more of them...
If we set aside the actual legal transgressions like various forms of abuse, I would argue that the most profound mistake many parents make is operating under the delusion that their primary duty is to engineer their child's happiness. They end up exhausting themselves by dedicating every waking moment to this pursuit, effectively sacrificing everything else in a misguided attempt to manufacture joy. Please, don't be upset with me. There is really no need to dwell on this or feel downcast; there truly isn't much to worry about. I find myself wondering what has gotten into you today and why you're acting this way—come now, just try to be a good boy for Mom.
While we all find our greatest sense of fulfillment when our children are happy, I suspect our most vital responsibility is actually preparing them for the reality of the world at large. This means fostering a secure environment where they can navigate the full spectrum of their emotions, teaching them that feeling everything—even the difficult things—is entirely normal and nothing to fear. It is about being present without being overbearing, allowing them the space to experience their own small lives and learn how to manage those feelings independently as they grow.
I don't even know which one is the absolute worst, but man, there are just so many... Using a kid as some kind of extension of yourself, totally ignoring what they actually need, and just straight-up disrespecting who they are as an individual.
Then you've got the more practical stuff, like being totally inconsistent or refusing to let them make their own mistakes and actually live their own lives. And then there's forcing your own choices down their throats—that's mostly an issue with the older kids.
Look, I agree you gotta spend time with your kids, but you also have to give them space to just be themselves (or hang out with friends for a bit). A kid needs to build their own life on their own terms... the main thing is just making sure they know we're always here if they ever need us or just want to talk.
It depends, I guess. Ever since I started having Zirk in my daily routine, it’s been happening more often, especially when we’re on vacation—then it's basically every single day. But mostly, I’m just hanging out at the house or out in nature... I much rather hit up a club or a dance floor where I don't have to deal with constant small talk.
I also don't mind having guests or even helpers staying over for weeks at a time. That’s totally fine by me.
The only thing that really matters to me is not feeling pressured to do anything... I need to be able to just shut up and be quiet whenever I feel like it, and if I can do that, life is good.
It’s not like only the "put-together" types deserve love and acceptance, right? But let's be real—people who aren't doing well often end up dumping their baggage onto someone else... basically using them like a crutch or falling into these super toxic, unhealthy patterns.
Look, there’s no magic formula, obviously. Sure, some people manage to get their act together and make a relationship work, but from what I've seen... it's way better to just focus on yourself first. Stick to low-stakes stuff, you know? Like friendships or just learning how to deal with roommates without losing your mind. Once you feel like you can actually stand on your own two feet, then maybe you dive into a relationship. Otherwise, you just end up attracting someone who perfectly matches your own mess instead of someone who helps you grow. And let’s face it... the odds of both people deciding to fix their issues at the exact same time are slim to none. It takes a massive amount of love and drive to pull that off.
Ugh, okay, so those gym rats? Yeah, that’s basically me 🤣. If being a total meathead is the only diagnostic criteria they've got, then I feel like that's a bit of a stretch...
Elon Musk As stated by: There is quite a bit of wisdom here that applies to all human connections, not just romantic partnerships. These are principles one can study and practice in every aspect of life. For instance, focusing on self-reflection and evaluating one's own actions rather than constantly scrutinizing the other person. Or choosing to offer an apology when you wish to mend a relationship, instead of stubbornly insisting that the other party apologize to you first. Maintaining honesty with oneself and with others...
Of course they exist, but strategic partnerships are a unique beast altogether. This is primarily due to that incredibly intense emotional bond, which essentially mirrors the parent-child relationship seen during early childhood development...
This isn't merely another discussion regarding standard self-improvement. We are stepping into an entirely different dimension—one that remains largely overlooked by most, a fact clearly evidenced by the endless threads on this forum concerning dysfunctional romantic relationships... 😁
jadeowl2 As stated by... .
I find myself in complete agreement with everyone here, though I am of the opinion that addressing relationship issues is far more effective when you tackle them in real-time while still within the partnership, rather than attempting to fix things retrospectively. This is particularly true if one has no intention of walking away and instead wishes to mend and preserve the bond. In such instances, both individuals ought to commit to personal growth simultaneously while navigating the relationship together; after all, self-improvement is a pursuit that remains vital at every stage of life...
Relationships have this built-in momentum, right? This specific dynamic that is just... incredibly hard to break once it's set. Plus, like you mentioned, the other person actually has to *want* to change too—and since they probably have their own baggage in this area, the odds of them being on board are pretty slim.
I mean, sure, if you care enough, you'll give it a shot. But I haven't really seen that play out successfully in the real world...
It plays out in relationships, just like you said, but the root cause isn't actually the relationship itself. Sure, you need to be in one to even realize there’s a problem in the first place. You might get lucky and actually fix things while you're still with them, but honestly? I wouldn't bet on it...
First off, because you’ll probably end up picking people who just crank the volume up on your issues (like, if you're needy, you'll gravitate toward someone totally unavailable, right?), so it just becomes twice as hard.
My own example: non-existent and super fluid boundaries, being really unstable, indecisive—basically, just mentally fragile. And on top of all that, zero self-love. All in all, someone that a stable, put-together person would have a slim chance of choosing (or being chosen by). And that's how it goes. In an unhealthy setup combined with my specific mess of traits, it’s damn near impossible to get strong, pull away, or actually see yourself clearly. Because your partner and the relationship are constantly dragging you back down to your old ways.
Relationships were just the mirror that showed me where the cracks were. After that, I had to take time to deal with the mess on my own. To learn how to love myself, to practice being decisive and setting boundaries in low-stakes situations... basically, just to toughen up.
Of course, you could always just live in the illusion that everything is fine—keep everyone at arm's length so there's no risk, no vulnerability, and everything seems okay. But then you just crash into the exact same wall the second you finally open up to someone. That's why if you don't (re)enter an intimate relationship, you'll never truly know if anything has actually changed. For me? It has.
What I mean is, even though I mostly agree with you about how important relationships are, you really need some kind of foundation—some roots, some self-respect—so you don't end up becoming a total dependent or using someone like a crutch, or just losing your entire identity in them. I get that maybe someone else can reach the same goal a different way, but for me, it was never an option.
I wouldn't say you can only work on yourself once you're actually in a relationship. Sure, a relationship acts as a massive reality check, but honestly? You kind of *have* to do the work before you even get there. With how I operate, I wouldn't have stood a chance in a serious commitment unless I happened to stumble upon some saintly, infinitely patient guy who just loved me unconditionally. And let's be real... the odds of finding someone like that while you're still a total wreck on the inside? Basically zero.
Once I finally got my own act together, everything just clicked. The flaws are still there, obviously, but now I can actually spot them and fix them without blowing up my whole life...
I used to be such an avoidant type... then one day I finally let my guard down, opened up, and all my needs just came flooding out at once. It was a complete train wreck. My whole system just collapsed, and honestly, neither I nor anyone else around me knew what hit us.
Eventually, it clicked. The root of everything was this deep-seated self-disrespect and a total lack of self-love, fueled by being emotionally neglected growing up. Nobody ever really saw me for who I was, and nobody taught me how to actually speak my mind or set any damn boundaries.
So, I started doing the work. Little by little, I learned how to actually like myself—being kind to myself, treating myself with the same grace I’d give someone I truly love. I practiced expressing my feelings and calling out what I need, and after a lot of trial and error, things finally started to level out.
Now, I’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while, and the jealousy? The insecurity? Gone. Whether it's because of the work I put in or if we just happen to be a perfect match... man, I have no clue.
Drew Ross2 said:Fair enough, I get it 🙂 it just sounded a bit contradictory to me—starting the sentence by saying you'd never do it, only to end by suggesting it isn't actually that big of a deal. 😁
I mean, life is just one big joke full of contradictions 😳.
Drew Ross2 said:😂 I wouldn't do it myself, but feel free to go ahead—it’s really not that big of a deal 😁
You didn't exactly convince me. 😛
I think you totally misread me. I'm not out here trying to push anyone into anything, and honestly, that kind of stuff doesn't even cross my mind. People make their own calls, whatever they feel like... I don't care. I'm just pointing out what I see happening right in front of me.
Dana Ross said:I suppose it depends on when someone actually starts going out. For me, I started around fifteen, but by the time I hit eighteen, the whole scene just lost its appeal... though it's not like I felt like I missed out on anything essential.
I don't think it's really about trying to make up for lost mischief once your kids are grown; it’s more about the fact that they aren't the center of your universe anymore, so you finally have space to be yourself again. You suddenly have the luxury of grabbing a coffee whenever you feel like it, instead of coordinating babysitters or dragging a child along... It's about realizing that if you don't feel like cooking, you don't have to, or if you want to head out for a weekend getaway, you can just go without all the massive logistical planning.
And what does "wilding out" even mean to people? Is it just getting drunk and acting reckless while you're barely aware of where you are or who is watching? Honestly, at forty, I wouldn't dream of being in that state in public... Youth might give you a pass for certain behaviors, but the idea of dancing on a bar counter while half-drunk? God forbid. I can certainly do that in my own home with a few close friends, but that's about it. 😁
Same here, honestly. By 18, I had already seen and done it all 🤣.
Look, everyone misses out on something in life. It's just how it works.
And I gotta say, I don't see these 40-year-olds struggling to find people to hang out with.😳.
I’d also add that having a kid at 20 vs. 40 is a totally different ballgame, mostly because a 20-year-old isn't nearly as intense or dramatic about everything. Like one of my girlfriends put it: "I wasn't my mom's entire universe; I was just there by her side." And honestly, that’s usually better for the kid too—at least from what I see happening around me, though I haven't exactly gone down a rabbit hole studying this stuff.
Whatever, nobody could have forced me to have a baby back then. I just think the way people try to make it look like some huge tragedy isn't actually that bad.
Marriage doesn't hold any emotional weight for me personally; I just see it as a legal contract you sign to make life logistics easier (plus, in some states, you get a massive tax break 😁). So, honestly, the timing doesn't matter much to me, though I guess it’s not a bad idea if two people actually feel like they're going to stick together for the long haul.
As for kids—I say the sooner the better, even though there's no way on earth I'd be talked into having a kid by age 20. But (unpopular opinion alert), young people are often totally fine as parents, mostly because they don't overthink things and have this chill vibe that older folks just lose. They finish college, find their footing, and then by their 30s, they’re free to go wild again if they feel like it. And it's not exactly a blessing to find out you're infertile at 38; you've got a much better shot at handling it if you know early on.
When it comes to hooking up—whenever. Back in my younger days, I wasn't even interested in sex, and seeing those senior citizens enrolled in college makes me feel so depressed 😬, but I know couples who've been happy since high school, and others who didn't even find their person until their 50s.
Sam Jones8 said:I get it. But does getting a divorce really mean there was never any love there to begin with? 😁
Maybe I'm just tripping. Here's my unpopular opinion: monogamous people who decide to open up their marriages—thinking it'll somehow strengthen their bond or take things to a whole new level 🙄—are actually just desperately trying to patch up something that's already falling apart...
I wouldn't even say that's that unpopular. And honestly, it probably holds true most of the time. I think it's pretty rare to find a couple where that isn't the case. I know one pair right now that I'm pretty damn sure will grow old together.
But they aren't really driven by sex, you know? Like, physical stuff isn't the main pillar of their relationship. Plus, they're both super extroverted, always out with friends, and they just don't fit the typical mold at all.
I have another example too—they had an open relationship back when they were younger, which doesn't seem bad to me since it avoids that "what if I tried someone else" crisis later on. They stopped that around age 30. Then, ten years later, the whole thing fell apart, but for totally different reasons entirely.
So, yeah, I guess it's possible, but in the real world? I bet it's incredibly rare.
Look, I get that hugging is way more intimate than those little air kisses people do to say hi, but honestly? I can’t wrap my head around the kissing thing. I could practically hug anyone... okay, maybe not *anyone*, and definitely not people I can't stand, but generally speaking, I'm all about the hugs. Though, let's be real, I'm probably not going to be the one to initiate things if the vibe feels even slightly awkward.
Obviously, I don't go at it with the same intensity or duration with everyone. It's not a free-for-all.
Back home in the States, we usually only hug when someone is leaving or coming back from a long trip. But when I lived in Germany, it was just different... hugging was the norm there. I'd hug everyone, whether it was coworkers or friends outside of work. It wasn't every single time we crossed paths, obviously, but if we were hanging out or just had a really heartfelt conversation, a hug was pretty much guaranteed. I think it helped that I lived in a tiny town where everybody knew everybody; everyone felt like family, so hugging them just felt natural.
As for my kid, I'm hugging them constantly... and they're doing the same to me. Same goes for my dog whenever he's around.
northerntiger92 said:It’s not like the romance is dead or anything. Actually, I think it's still there. 🙂
It’s just that—compared to how things used to be—romance feels way less obvious to people looking for it nowadays. Why? Because we have a million ways to talk and hang out without even being in the same room. That whole "ritual" side of flirting has basically vanished—you know, back when there were actual rules for how and where you’d meet someone? Back when showing up with a bouquet was a given, or when the neighbors would give you a hard time through the window because they saw you heading out all dressed up and looking sharp...
Edit: And about this whole debate over what to call people... Look, I live in a long-term domestic partnership, and I don't have any issue calling my partner my "partner" when I'm talking to folks who haven't met her. Usually, I just say "my wife"—mostly because it’s quicker and easier—but I've definitely had people push back on me before, telling me I can't call her my wife until I actually put a ring on her finger, so... 🙂
Then you're just degrading her by calling her that 😢.
feralranger said:Precisely; quite a lot of people are essentially living through a state of emotional poverty within their marriages or long-term relationships, which has caused the concept of being a "mistress" to become entirely decoupled from the actual marital bond. It’s no wonder we’re seeing such a massive surge in domestic partnerships and prenuptial agreements lately.
If my own relationship is woven together by genuine passion and deep, soulful friendship—that beautiful blend of Eros and Philia—then I certainly refuse to reduce it to a mere "partnership," a "joint venture," or some clinical "cooperative arrangement."
I mean, as a layman, I’ve managed to stumble my way into a few legal skirmishes, including one rather landmark dispute against a particularly arrogant and predatory mega-corporation, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I simply cannot abide reducing love to such transactional terminology.
Look, fine, don't call it that. Why does it even bother you so much what other people choose to call their significant others? Like, why do they interpret the word differently? Why are you getting so hung up on this specific terminology? I just don't get it 🤔.
Nicholas King said:The term "partner" actually traces its roots back to the Latin word "partitio," which fundamentally refers to a division.
The real point I'm trying to make here—and it’s an important distinction—is that we aren't talking about a "divisive" kind of split, like a divider separating things, but rather about parts that constitute a single whole.
In that specific sense, my partner is the one who completes me to form that whole. To me, there's something quite beautiful about that idea 😍.
I feel the exact same way. Even if the word sounds totally unromantic at first glance, it actually captures everything it needs to say better than most other terms.