Posts by Donna White50

Richard Nelson84 said:Look, there isn't a massive divide here, but let's be real: heterosexual men and men who are attracted to trans women aren't exactly in the same category.

Gynandromorphophilic* is the official term for men who are attracted to trans women. 🍿 Give it a shot! Try saying it out loud! 🤣

There is one. Research. It works on basically the same principle. They ran a study covering gay, straight, and those specific gynandromorphic guys. 😁

The study results were pretty much exactly what I expected! It turns out gay men reacted only to gay porn. Meanwhile, straight and gyno men responded exclusively to straight and trans content. Interestingly, the gyno guys showed a slightly higher interest in trans scenes compared to the straight guys, but both groups showed clear physical reactions to both straight and trans porn.

Maybe it’s because they were attracted to some trans woman? 🤷 While some guys definitely have a fetish for trans women, plenty of others feel a genuine, deep attraction to them. The real barrier isn't biology—it’s society and how people choose to treat trans individuals. That's the true deciding factor.

If having a natural vagina is such a massive deal, then I have a question for all you straight guys out there. Would you actually sleep with this man?



What? And what if I told you this guy actually has a vagina? Still nothing? Seriously?

Buck Angel He’s one of the most recognizable trans men in the adult industry. Even after transitioning, he’s chosen to keep his natural anatomy exactly as it is.

The reason no straight man is going to feel an attraction to this is simple: human sexuality is about way more than just genitals. That doesn't mean physical parts don't matter, but they are just one small piece of the massive puzzle that makes up human attraction. Secondary sex characteristics play a huge role here. It’s all about the whole package! 🍿

Transgender people.

Like I showed you with my example earlier, sexual attraction isn't just about what kind of genitals someone has. Secondary sex characteristics play a massive role too!

You’re consistently missing the mark because you keep viewing trans people through the lens of their sex assigned at birth. Sure, once someone undergoes a full transition, they might still be biologically tied to their original sex, but their appearance and behavior tell a completely different story. That right there is the core difference!

Look at the facts. Transgenderism is a medically recognized diagnosis. It confirms that even if someone is born as one sex, their mind is actually that of the opposite sex. On top of that, some research shows that the brains of trans women share a similar structure to those of cisgender women. This means you don't just "become" a trans woman—you are born that way! 🧐 Despite the delayed transition.

From reading your posts, I’ve noticed you’re always hunting for excuses as to why a perfectly regular straight guy would suddenly choose anyone other than a typical, natural straight woman.

Now, I don't personally buy the idea that sexuality is totally fluid, but I definitely believe it's about more than just men liking women and women liking men. To me, human sexuality is a massive spectrum with endless variations. For instance, some guys will be drawn to thin women, others to plus-sized women, while a third group might not feel any attraction to women at all, preferring men instead. Then you have those who are attracted to trans women. Beyond that, you've got the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth types who aren't tied to just one category but are attracted to a whole range of people. It just goes on and on forever.

I find this whole thing you’ve got going on—this idea about male versus female brains being used to justify trans identity—pretty interesting... especially when you look at how much fighting there is over gender equality and that push to just completely erase those boundaries altogether. It's wild to watch...

I honestly feel like I’ve learned a ton about sexuality just through my own life experiences—thank God for that, really, even if some parts were pretty rough to deal with at the time... It’s the reason I’m so convinced that our sexuality is fluid; it’s basically just a genetic baseline that we keep building on and refining as we go through life. I mean, just ask any straight guy struggling with a porn addiction how much gay content he’s actually watched on a screen—or even experimented with in person... But yeah, you made some really great points about primary and secondary sexual characteristics, and how much our individual personalities and lived experiences shape what our sexuality actually means to us.
Whatever someone manages to push onto us—stuff they weave right into our own deepest desires—that's exactly what ends up fueling our fantasies... it becomes that thing that pulls us in and ultimately leads us straight to an orgasm...
Look, I’m telling you—a straight guy has zero interest in messing around with other guys or trans people. There’s just nothing there for him. He isn't out here looking to experiment, and honestly, he’s probably never even going to find himself in a spot where that's an option... If he finds a trans person attractive, it's strictly because he sees breasts, a great ass, a killer female body, and a personality that screams sex—it's just about that physical pull, you know? But once the reality hits that they're male, a straight guy is just gonna bail—he actually feels kind of played. To me, that's just what a healthy sexuality looks like...
Then there’s this other group that’s basically being flooded with nothing but porn, fetishes, BDSM, the gay community—just a constant barrage of all these different sexualities being shoved in their faces... And honestly, under that kind of pressure, our core sexuality starts to shift because we're just absorbing whatever is being served up to us. You see it all the time—plenty of guys who are straight-up heterosexual end up becoming impotent when it comes to actual women, mostly because they've been conditioned by porn to be more interested in trans people, BDSM, experimenting with being gay, pedophilia, or other kinds of deviance...
Have you ever actually looked into porn specifically made for those kinds of fetishes? It’s pretty easy to see there’s a massive market for it—honestly, it all just boils down to classic brainwashing... And unfortunately, it’s only going to get worse. It's way too easy to plant all sorts of fetishes in the head of a guy who grew up watching porn—stuff like gender swapping, cross-dressing, dominance and submission, gay fetishes, and all that. That's why we're seeing this huge surge in deviations that this topic covers. There’s no end to these perversions, sadly... The fact that any kid, regardless of how old they are, can just pull up a search engine and watch whatever filth they want from morning till night without any real boundaries—all while it's wrapped up in "fetish" cellophane to make it look acceptable or normal—really shows how sick we've become as a society. These kids grow up accepting all kinds of things, but when it comes to women, I'm telling you, it's either gonna be impossible or just really difficult for them...

I mean, seriously, who is even attracted to trans people? Certainly not straight guys with healthy sexualities. Sure, maybe curious people here and there, and "curiosity" is such a trendy term these days—it basically gives you a free pass to be as perverse as you want while still clinging to your primary sexuality. But damn, nobody tells you that it might actually cost you something in the end... just ask the guys who spend all their time jerking off in front of a computer screen...

Jacob Miller4 said:One of my closest buddies—let’s call him Boris—has spent his entire life, at least for the twenty-plus years I've known him, insisting that his type is strictly ultra-thin women. He’s all about those anorexic runway models who have zero curves; honestly, they aren't even on my radar. For him, the less bust and booty there is, the better. Fast forward to now, and he’s settled down with a shorter woman who, given her height, has a pretty significant chest and backside. She ended up being his absolute weakness, and while he still talks about thin women as his "ideal," he wouldn't trade his wife for anything. It makes me wonder how that works, considering there are plenty of hot, skinny women constantly walking past him.

Look, I’m not expecting everyone to get why someone would want to be with a trans woman. I just find it fascinating that, by all accounts, a huge chunk of straight men find trans women sexually attractive and desirable—even when the women haven't fully transitioned and still have male genitalia, despite looking mostly female otherwise. Most of these guys probably haven't given a second thought to being attracted to other men. It seems like once you strip away the "ew, gross" reactions driven by social pressure, trans women are perceived, to some degree, as being somewhere in the middle. Not quite men (which is how most people describe them in public) and not quite the traditional women the LGBT community and its supporters fight for.

Basically, many straight men don't look at a trans woman as a dude with boobs, but rather as a chick with a dick. And if she's a woman with a penis, and if you (as Donna White50 correctly noted earlier) acknowledge that men are basically obsessed with penises, then it checks out. If they saw them as men with breasts, they’d view any relationship as homosexual.

I don't really get your friend's deal. If he's truly into super thin women without much feminine shape, it's kind of weird that he picked a partner who doesn't fit his usual physical attraction. Maybe he just fell for her personality and pushed his looks criteria to the back burner... we all dream about things in life, but reality usually has other plans...

Generally speaking, straight men aren't into crossdressers, nor is it just for fun, because they aren't sexually attracted to someone who has a penis instead of a vagina, regardless of how they look on the outside. Even with a full transition, most straight guys wouldn't consider it, or maybe they would:



🍿

Usually, these kinds of things fall into the realm of being bisexual or just curious—people who could easily have these experiences for fun and wouldn't find touching a penis or pleasuring someone that way repulsive. It's just that nobody has their preferences tattooed on their forehead. A lot of people actually discover they have bisexual leanings gradually, maybe stumbling upon specific fetishes through porn or being exposed to things in different ways, but again, real-life sex is a completely different beast than fantasies or watching videos... 😉

Jacob Miller4 said:I see it exactly the same way. There’s a massive difference between flirting—where people can easily lie to themselves about how serious they actually are—and just straight-up mocking someone.

Inspired by some of the discussions in this thread, I decided to dive into another highly regarded film centered on a relationship involving a trans person. I managed to get through about three-quarters of Soldier's Girl. It’s an excellent piece of cinema—highly recommended—and hits right on the nose regarding what we're talking about here. Interestingly, the focus isn't actually on the trans individuals themselves, but rather on the people who find them attractive.

You can catch the whole thing on YouTube; here's the link: I can't access external links like YouTube directly to watch videos. If you can provide a transcript or a summary of what happens in the video, I’ll get right to work rewriting it in that specific, dry, and slightly sarcastic voice you're looking for.

What makes this even more convincing to me is that we’re clearly looking at a trans woman who doesn't exactly pass as cisgender from an airplane seat. We aren't talking about one of those subtle cases you might encounter in Thailand where you wouldn't even realize they were assigned male at birth until they actually took their clothes off.

If she looked like that, it wouldn't be a stretch to say any guy would be interested. They’d probably just have to figure out how to deal with the fact that she’s packing a penis later on.



Yeah, it’s actually pretty fascinating. It seems like female homosexuality is much easier for people to wrap their heads around. Even some of the most old-school, traditional guys don't seem to have an issue with the idea of bringing another woman into the bedroom to join them and their wife or girlfriend. In fact, they usually act like that kind of interaction is perfectly normal. But if you suggest bringing a man into the mix? Suddenly, the number of guys interested in exchanging any kind of affection with that extra man drops off significantly.

Even the porn industry makes this pretty obvious if you look closely: in an FFM setup, there’s at least some level of interaction between everyone involved. In an MMF scene, though, the guys are basically just coordinating their efforts around the woman, with zero actual sexual interaction between themselves.

It would be pretty interesting to find out the following. Maybe there’s a psychologist lurking in these forums who could actually put together a formal survey on this:
Surveying a massive group of straight guys to see if they actually find threesomes appealing.
I was thinking about asking them if they’d be down for some variety in the bedroom—specifically, whether they’d prefer a MMF setup, something with two women, or if they're open to mixing both combinations.
I’d probably just ask them if they were looking to get involved with both people in that trio, or if they were strictly interested in the woman.
Then you could ask if they'd be open to having a very feminine trans woman from Thailand join the mix as a third.

(It would be pretty interesting to see if there are any correlations here regarding how certain subgroups from the earlier questions might react to this less conventional scenario.)

- and finally, asking them if they would be open to direct sexual interaction with a trans woman.

(Another chance to find some fascinating correlations. My gut tells me a much higher percentage of men would agree to an encounter with a trans woman than with another man.)

I honestly don't get why some guys aren't totally down for the idea of being with two women who have bisexual leanings... I mean, let's be real—male sexuality is basically driven by desire, fantasy, and that raw excitement for the female form. And it’s not just about the physical side of things either, it's about that whole feminine energy and role too... turns out it's pretty much a perfect storm of attraction...
Honestly, for straight guys, homo content just doesn't hit the mark—men aren't even a turn-on for them, so the whole idea of intimacy through that lens just feels totally gross...

So, I’ve been thinking... why would any straight guy actually go for a serious relationship with a trans woman? I mean, besides just being curious, there are so many gorgeous women out there everywhere you look. You can't have kids with her, and then you've got the whole issue of whether she has a vagina—or even a natural one—to deal with. Plus, there's the social stigma to navigate, and honestly, the reality that at the end of the day, you're dealing with someone who was born male and is just doing their best to play the part of a woman... it's a lot to wrap your head around...
Trans people face some massive hurdles when it comes to dating and actually keeping a relationship going—and honestly, there’s a pretty good reason for that...
I mean, sure, the photos look incredible and super sexy, but let's be real—there's a ton of makeup, carefully picked outfits, and all those aesthetic touches involved. In person, it’s a completely different story...

Thomas Hernandez10 said:People always love to say that money can't buy happiness, but honestly, I’ve never felt luckier than when I have the freedom to do whatever I want, buy whatever I feel like, and travel wherever and whenever the mood strikes me.

To me, money is basically synonymous with happiness. I feel like all those arguments against it are just stuff people have been conditioned to believe since they were kids—mostly pushed by religious institutions like the Catholic Church—just to keep everyone quiet and feeling grateful for the crumbs they're stuck with...

Honestly, if everyone just shared the wealth... we'd all be living our best lives forever...🤣

Look, if you're talking about a Catholic church that isn't actually out to protect its hoard—one that doesn't want to turn everyone into paupers but instead focuses on finding that sweet spot between being successful and actually giving back to the community... then honestly, your whole argument just falls apart. There are at least two big reasons why your logic doesn't really hold up...

Look, first off—if you just do whatever you feel like, buy whatever you want, whenever you want, without any restraint... you’re basically checking out of reality. And once you lose that connection to the real world? Everything just goes south fast. Honestly, humans aren't wired—mentally or biologically—to live like that. It's just not how we're built. You end up crashing because there's nothing pushing you to actually grow or evolve. There are no hurdles, no real struggles—everything is just handed to you on a silver platter. You basically turn into a lazy house cat, just lounging around all day, eating and getting soft until you're nothing but a lump of lethargy... and that happens to your mind, too. It applies to people just as much as anything else...

Look, there's another thing—your whole theory doesn't even hold up in the real world. I mean, for you to actually enjoy any of this stuff, someone else has to go out and build it just to hand it to you on a silver platter... So, sure, maybe you can play the spoiled princess role if you want, but that’s only possible because of everyone else—the people out there actually working their tails off to fund your little whims and all those resources you're burning through while doing nothing... The truth is, none of us can live like that. Just because you think you can exploit other people's kindness or naivety to make your life easy doesn't mean that's how things work. That's just an outlier, not the rule...

At the end of the day, I think true happiness is all about that sweet spot—finding that perfect balance between the material stuff and the spiritual side of things. It’s about balancing the rewards you get with the actual grind you put in... plus that emotional equilibrium where what you give to others feels right compared to what comes back to you. You've gotta hit those core human needs first, though... otherwise, nothing else really sticks...

So many celebrities just completely lose the plot because they end up with everything they could ever dream of—it's wild. It’s actually pretty interesting to watch how life has a way of balancing the scales... honestly, any kind of extreme usually ends up crashing and burning pretty fast...

Jacob Miller4 said:Betty Fowler, I’m not sure how closely you read my opening post, but frankly, I couldn't care less about the homophobic perspective on trans people. There are plenty of reasons for that, but I’ll boil it down to two:

1. That specific viewpoint is pretty much a cliché because, as we’ve seen, many homophobes rarely miss an opportunity to air it.

So, if we're talking about trans individuals, you seem to think it's some kind of infectious disease that needs to be suppressed to prevent it from spreading through the population. Fine. To me, that take is incredibly stupid, but I’ve heard it enough times to know I don't want to debate it here—that wasn't why I started this thread. If you or anyone else wants to dissect the psyche of someone so terrified of gay people that they believe being exposed to them is "contagious," feel free to start a different thread. My only point to those who would try to "cure" homosexuality through things like medication, vaccines, electroshock therapy, psychoanalysis, or isolation is that their own irrational fear could just as easily be treated with those exact same methods, often with equally "successful" results.

2. Even if we ignore the scientific studies suggesting there’s a high number of latent homosexuals among aggressive homophobes—and let's just pretend for a second that isn't true—the homophobic perspective still doesn't matter here. In my intro, I made it clear that I am interested in how, despite all the social stigma, trans people intrigue and sexually attract certain men who aren't gay. Therefore, those holding onto rigid traditionalist stances aren't relevant to this discussion. They can stay right where they are.

What I find intriguing is what's going on with everyone else. Where does this intense interest in pornography (which Donna White50 mentioned) come from, whether it's in Thailand or on the streets of São Paulo? Even a casual crossdresser once shared their experiences with me regarding a night out at a popular club back home. There are even great cinematic examples of this: in that excellent Almodóvar film, All About Mother, a trans mother mentions at one point that a huge number of straight men are drawn to her, something she never experienced when she was a gay man.

Look, I touched on this in my first post... but let me break it down a bit more..
First off, a ton of guys are just naturally curious about their own sexuality. They aren't necessarily ruling out the possibility of getting into some kind of homosexual activity, certain fetishes, fantasies, or even masochistic stuff down the road. In fact, homoerotic fetishes can be one of the most intense ways to humiliate a straight guy during BDSM play... a lot of men will "submit" or put on women's clothes simply because they're being pushed to by a dominant partner, and honestly, that feeling of being humiliated provides a massive rush of sexual excitement for them. Plus, let's be real—men are obsessed with penises, whether it's their own or someone else's. A trans woman has all the feminine attributes men go crazy for—the hair, the breasts, the ass, the attitude, the walk—but she also has that male anatomy which is inherently intriguing to a lot of guys. Many men will have sex with someone like that just because it's a wild experience, something new that turns them on, or just an easy way to flex their sexual dominance. They don't view it as "having sex with a man," they don't perceive it that way, or frankly, they just don't care... they got turned on by something fresh and different and they just satisfied that urge...

Jacob Miller4 said:Transgender people strike me as a pretty fascinating phenomenon. It isn’t just about the individuals themselves—though there has already been plenty written about gender dysphoria in Psychology here and here—it’s also about how everyone else reacts to them.

It seems that even in places where transgender visibility is relatively high, like Thailand or Brazil, they aren't entirely shielded from social stigma. They still tend to exist in a sort of half-world. Take Thailand, for example: you see them everywhere, and they aren't getting jumped in the streets or called slurs constantly, but finding a job outside of the sex industry is an uphill battle. Most end up in janitorial work. It’s a similar story in Brazil. I have better intel on that because I used to be friends with a Brazilian gay man—not trans himself, but he knew quite a few during his time in New York City. He told me the biggest hurdle is employment. They fare better on the street, where demand is high and the pay for sex work is actually better than what men earn, but if someone wants a "normal" career, the options are incredibly narrow, usually circling back to cleaning houses.

That said, while there is significant social stigma surrounding such a radical shift in gender roles (which often involves "cosmetic" changes rather than full surgical reassignment—think silicone implants, removing the Adam's apple, and standard hormone therapy), things look different when you strip away the social norms and look at it from an individual level. As I touched on earlier, transgender prostitutes in New York City (according to my friend) can out-earn men in the same business. And everyone knows they are a major pillar of the sex industry in Thailand. My takeaway is that they simply tap into a market that exists beyond the traditional male homosexual demographic. In Thailand, this is even more obvious; a huge portion of their clientele consists of middle-aged, heterosexual white Australians. These guys identify as straight and only sleep with women, except for these specific encounters.

For the skeptics, here’s an even more interesting case... That Brazilian guy I mentioned is the type of effeminate man whose sexual orientation you can spot from thirty yards away. Honestly, he doesn't even try to hide it; it shows in his clothes, his gestures, and his facial expressions. Once, a buddy of his—just a friend, not a partner—came to visit him, and they ended up getting jumped on a beach here in the States. A group of guys saw them, identified them as gay (especially since one was clearly effeminate), and decided they needed to teach them a lesson. It traumatized my friend so much that for the rest of his trip in America, he was terrified of being attacked by strangers.

On the flip side, there was another instance involving an art project. He had to dress as a woman for the stage (he’s done this before, and I can vouch that his camouflage was top-tier—he actually looked better as a woman than he did as an effeminate man). After the work was done, he and the crew went out to a club in the city. He stayed in his feminine disguise (so, a typical transvestite without the breast implants or the missing Adam's apple...). He told me that throughout the night in that packed club, a massive number of men were hitting on him. Like, a lot. Between being attractive (😁), speaking English and Portuguese with a Latin accent, and being all dolled up and made up... it worked. What was particularly strange was that a good portion of those men kept flirting even after he told them he was male.

What I'm getting at is that while social stigma is one thing, when you look at the psychology, you see something else entirely. The typical male disdain for homosexuality often softens the moment the person looks like a woman. You have these "hardcore" straight men who probably think they sit at a 0 or maybe a 1 on the Kinsey scale, yet they'll travel to Thailand and flirt shamelessly with a gorgeous, stunning woman with beautiful clothes, perfect makeup, fragrant hair, smooth skin, and a small penis and testicles. Some even go as far as more than just flirting. How does that work?

Honestly, most people aren't strictly heterosexual. Sexuality is such a messy, complicated concept... In this era of sexual freedom, new definitions seem to pop up everywhere like mushrooms after rain. Even people who identify as asexual often end up defining their sexuality conditionally—basically saying, "well, if certain criteria are met..." Most people are naturally curious, and in certain situations, they're definitely open to experimenting with the same sex to some degree. It's super common with women who claim to be straight but might experiment if a really hot, famous celebrity walks into the room. It goes for men too, but society makes it so stigmatized that it turns into this weird disgust toward anything "different." Of course, under the right circumstances, guys want to explore, and the experience of being with someone who has feminine traits despite having a penis can be genuinely intriguing... humans are drawn to the new and unknown. Plus, look at how much transgender content dominates porn searches. Sure, a lot of that is driven by porn addicts looking for a specific thrill, but it clearly shows how fluid our sexuality actually is...

On top of that, a lot of the people who fight the hardest against homosexuality are actually just suppressing their own homosexual fantasies. They can't accept them, so it creates this intense emotional tension—leading to hatred, judgment, and self-loathing that they just project onto others who remind them of themselves...

Then there's the whole transgender issue, which is... sensitive, to say the least. Even psychiatrists are split on it. It falls under the umbrella of paraphilias, and while money can buy almost any aesthetic change these days, I don't think it's fair to project individual sexual struggles onto society and call it a "right to happiness." Both homosexuality and transgenderism are being marketed today as "trendy" or "desirable." It’s hard to tell what’s actually desirable and what’s just a trend... I just feel bad seeing kids before they've even hit puberty—before they even understand their own sexuality—being swayed by things that could end up ruining their lives, all just so someone else can turn a profit through porn, prostitution, or cosmetic surgeries. That's the real issue with modern society. Just look at the endless categories on porn sites and how many addicts there are; those addicts create the demand for these videos, which then gets pushed back onto society and specific subcultures through the industry... As a society, we've completely lost our way with liberalism. We're calling things "healthy" when they aren't, and labeling the distorted as "desirable," all in the name of fame and cold, hard cash...

fadedmason4 said:Even if your birthday isn't in April 😁

I totally get where you're coming from—though, honestly, there isn't much sense in trying to argue with it.

Regarding that comment about how low-wage jobs are treated... I work a manual labor gig for minimum wage myself, and let me tell you—nobody is going to look you in the eye and say, "Hey, this job sucks, go find something better immediately." Instead, they give you that look—you know the one—where they pity you for being stuck there. They wonder how you even survive on that amount, or worse, they question if you even have any ambition. It’s not just my imagination, either; people really do feel that judgment. Not everyone who makes more money looks down on you, of course, but in my experience—at least for a good portion of them—that subtle condescension is definitely real.

It's true though, people have biases. For instance, since I make a pretty decent living, I struggle to really tap into the mindset of people working retail or service jobs for peanuts. Some things are just built-in, you know? Like you can't teach an old dog new tricks...
But seriously, why should you care what someone thinks about you or how you pay your bills? You probably have your own biases about other people too, right? We all do...
As far as I'm concerned, the main thing is just doing whatever it takes to stay afloat. Besides, plenty of folks have the chance to land a better gig and then pick up side hustles to basically pull in a second paycheck... Personally, I think a skilled tradesperson can outearn your average engineer. Sure, an engineer might start off with a slightly higher salary, but nothing you can't make up for by picking up a few extra shifts on a Saturday... especially when you haven't spent five or six years grinding through college...

Patrick Reyes5 said:I’m 31. Or at least, I will be in a few months. Currently, I’m unemployed. I have some experience—temp work through the court system—which is my only official employment history. I’ve passed my professional certification exam, too. It’s not the work itself I dread; I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life scrubbing floors or cleaning hotel rooms (though I do currently clean under the table to get by).

And honestly? I’m terrified. I’m scared my mother is right when she says my career ceiling is a janitorial position. I’m scared it’s too late to ditch this dead-end path everyone keeps preaching about and actually enroll in a program I care about, like studying English Literature. I’m scared it’s too late to master the languages that actually interest me: French, Russian, and Turkish. I’m scared I’ll never get to spend a weekend in New York City, which is a massive dream of mine. I’m scared I won't master English well enough to pass an Oxford proficiency exam. I’m scared I’ll lose the few real friends I have left. I’m scared I won't be able to pick up video editing, even though I love the idea. I’m scared I’ll be the only one in my social circle with just a vocational degree, and people will assume I’m not as bright as them. I’m scared I’ll never land a job because I don’t have the right connections. I’m scared I’ll never find a partner or have children, especially since people keep telling me I'm "running out of time." I’m scared to cut my hair short; I’m tired of managing long hair just because I can tie it in a ponytail. I’m scared I won't have enough money and will always rely on my father, when I should be the one helping him. I’m scared to call the registrar at St. Louis to ask about transferring. I’m scared to call the gym and ask if they charge for demonstrating proper form like a private trainer would. I’m scared I’ll never learn to dance the tango. I’m scared I’ll never learn to sew my own clothes, since shopping isn't really my thing. I’m scared I’ll never find a chemical peel that helps with a small scar I have. I’m scared the marks from my skin-picking disorder will never fade. I’m scared I’ll never find the right skincare for my face. I’m even scared that I’ll never learn how to express myself better.

I am afraid that I will stay stuck exactly where I am forever, with nothing ever changing.

Most of all, I fear waking up one day to realize my life has passed me by while I was still sitting in this same spot—never having moved away, never having found a job (even on Mars), never having had kids, and never having accomplished a single thing I actually planned.

I’m scared there isn't enough time left to fix anything. I’m scared of how people will react if I try. I’m scared of everything.

How do I stop being afraid?

You don't really have any problems other than the ones you're creating in your own head.
Why does your life have to look exactly how you scripted it? Why would it be bad if things turned out differently instead of exactly as planned? What's actually missing for people who work lower-paying jobs? Is there *anything* you aren't afraid of starting with?

Get it together—you aren't better than anyone else, and nobody is better or worse than you. People make plans and dreams, but God laughs, which basically means everyone has dreams, but in reality, we live lives that are pretty far from those ideals. Just grow up and accept that. Get a job—any job—until you find something better. If you don't find something better, you'll just keep doing what you're doing. You'll manage to afford what you can and live a life within your means.
You've fallen into this loop of overthinking and you're just obsessed with your own insecurities. Anyone could spiral like this... I certainly have before.

Besides, if I were in your shoes, I’d just pack my bags, grab some cleaning supplies, and head down to Florida to start doing vacation rentals and condos. Honestly, you could probably pull in more cash than some engineer out there—plus, you won't be bored, you'll get to soak up the sun, and who knows? You might even meet a cute guy along the way... pretty solid start if you ask me...

Mark Martin10 said:I honestly don't get why you're still hanging around here. Who are you trying to convince—that hitting kids is actually "good parenting"? You’re basically just a potential abuser, and there's really no point in debating someone like you. You heard what needed to be said.

If you ever decide to lay a hand on a child, go ahead and do it in public. Let everyone see what a "great" father you are. Just pray you don't run into someone like me.

You'd be better off not running into me on the street—you wouldn't walk away happy.
There’s a massive difference between lashing out at a child and a little discipline, and if you can't tell that apart, that's on you...

Joseph Bailey41 said:Setting this specific case aside, I’ve noticed that people who enjoy being masochists seem to have quite a tendency toward this kind of thinking. ☕

A masochist and a sadist are really just two sides of the same coin, depending on how you look at it.

Parents hit their kids because they're at their breaking point. Very few parents actually enjoy being violent—they do it when a kid pushes them so far past the edge that they lose all control and resort to yelling or physical stuff. Why? Because they don't know any other way to parent, maybe they have a lot of mental health struggles, or they just don't know how to handle life... It's a sad reality for families struggling to make ends meet. Most people with steady jobs and decent paylines have access to resources—they can afford daycare, a nanny, or a therapist... But when someone loses it, they make really impulsive decisions.

Ashley Bailey75 said:Based on that theory, at what age does hitting a kid on the butt or flicking their fingers actually start working?

Because mine don't get anything—they’re basically just 2 and 5 pounds of pure chaos right now. I could literally smack them 300 times a day and they’d still just keep charging at the outlets, the windows, or their own noses. Honestly, they just laugh in my face while they're tossing a hair dryer into a seashell or kicking things across the floor. Judging by their reaction, they've already got enough drama going on; just moving them away from the "crime scene" is enough work. I don't think a slap on the butt would change a damn thing. Realistically, they wouldn't even feel it through a diaper unless I kicked them hard enough to send them flying a yard away—hahaha, sorry, my dark humor is showing. Just kidding, but seriously, physical punishment makes zero sense to me.

With the older one, there’s a tiny bit of progress—that constant loop of "no, no, can't do that, that's dangerous." There really comes a moment where he realizes I’m being consistent for once and that things aren't going to go his way. I can be lenient with some stuff—sometimes I'll let him scream his head off before I give in—but eventually, being persistent helps knock some sense into him, so I'm staying optimistic about the future. He also picks up on my tone when I decide I'm not going to dress him too fast or argue with him. Most days are still a tug-of-war, though—he's still little. But I guarantee you, no amount of hitting is going to teach him anything. To actually work, it would have to hurt, and if it hurts that much, it's just causing internal damage. To him, a swat on the butt means nothing; he’ll keep doing whatever he wants until I physically stop him, because his fixations are stronger than anything else. Well, except maybe my 110 lbs of pure fury, muahaha.

Kids do this because they're craving attention. They love exploring the world and they totally live for getting a reaction out of you. When they make a mess, they know it'll force you to focus on them, and they realize they have this power to basically manipulate you (your emotions, your reactions, and your need for control).

Besides just removing the things they might break or hurt themselves with, maybe try controlling your own reactions? Or maybe lean into that urge to control things a bit less and try putting them on a sort of "ignore" mode. Sooner or later, they'll figure out that their attention-seeking tactics aren't working anymore. It's pretty tough at first and it's not a magic fix for everyone, but man... the results are worth it.

Mark Martin10 said:I read this entire thread from start to finish, and honestly, I’m asking you—do us all a favor: stop being such a prick, find a deep hole to crawl into, and stay there. There isn't a polite way to tell you that you're a complete jerk.

I can give you my address, so why don't you swing by? Let's see how much of a tough guy you actually are when you have to go toe-to-toe with a guy over 220 pounds. We'll see if you're really the big man you think you are when it comes to hitting kids.

Look, I was getting beaten regularly when I was just a kid. I eventually let it go because I honestly can’t carry that kind of weight around anymore. But deep down? I have nothing but pure contempt for anyone who thinks they have the right to lay a hand on someone weaker—especially kids. Your bullshit really hit a nerve, though. It pissed me off.

Look, I have the right to choose how I raise my own kid. There's no such thing as a perfect parenting method—every kid reacts differently—there are just guidelines and advice out there. I don't even want to comment on anything else, unless you really want me to surprise you...

George Davis6 said:I actually included the link in my previous post! But honestly, it seems like you—being the one who started this whole thread (let's call it what it is: a little bit of sadomasochism from someone who clearly enjoys inflicting pain)—only bother reading things that fit your own narrative.

Masochists are people too, you know. I'm a masochist myself—am I a loser because of it? Am I contagious? Do I not have rights regarding my own child...?
Everyone interprets things their own way, and that's also an individual's right to discuss...

Scott Cox56 said:It seems pretty likely, honestly.
I guess it’s just way easier for parents to either 1) hand them a smartphone and just tune them out, or 2) resort to physical punishment instead of actually putting in the extra work required for real parenting.
And then we end up reading all these other threads about people who have become subtly toxic—you know, those folks who lack any self-esteem so you can basically walk all over them once their spirit is broken, or stories about actual abusers. If you go the route of being too soft, you might risk raising someone who lacks confidence, but if you go the "wild" route, you're steering them toward becoming abusers themselves. It’s basically the archetypes of the writers and main characters we see populating these forums. Personally, I wouldn't mess around with corporal punishment because of that risk.
Besides, I probably won't be around to witness the long-term consequences that kind of discipline leaves on a child; it’ll more likely be their future partner who sees the fallout.

I mean, what are we even talking about here? Scientists are discovering such fascinating things about the brain every single day, and I really think it matters—even down to the little bedtime stories you read to them, how you read them, and whether you read to them at all. Every tiny detail during those early years shapes their emotional intelligence, which eventually helps them navigate life without all that unnecessary chaos.

@Donna White50 - children don't exactly perceive being hit as something "pleasant or natural." I guess that pretty much contradicts your whole philosophy on why kids should be disciplined physically. By your own logic, they would have to accept it as something "ugly and unnatural" just to learn that's what happens when they mess up.
Don't you see that you don't even quite grasp what I'm trying to promote? So, why jump into a debate with people who have made this field their life's calling and have discovered just how harmful corporal punishment can be? That was a rhetorical question, so please, don't bother answering.

The whole point of people pushing this style of parenting is just to chase professional careers and make a buck writing books. Their goal is to push parents out of the driver's seat in raising their own kids, shifting that responsibility over to daycares, preschools, and public schools so they can pump their own ideologies into children. And guess who pays for those schools and daycares? Parents, working themselves to the bone just to cover the costs, which ends up stealing precious time away from their kids. When a parent is stretched thin like that, they don't have time to work on themselves or focus on their relationship, so the family unit starts falling apart—which hurts the kids, while society profits off people who are forced into working two jobs just to afford two apartments, two car payments, rent, and child support... it's just an endless cycle.
That’s pretty much the fallout of modern society and today's approach to parenting. There's this massive pressure put on parents through all these empty buzzwords about "proper upbringing"—it’s easy for others to judge and act like you're a bad parent—making actual parenting feel like an impossible mission.
The reality is, your average American parent with a standard job and typical responsibilities just doesn't have the bandwidth to raise kids according to what's considered "acceptable" or "child-friendly" these days. Even professionals struggle with it, especially when dealing with hyperactive kids, let alone kids with special needs and everything else...

I honestly think we've all been brainwashed to the point where we can't see the forest for the trees anymore. Just look around and it'll click. I don't think most parents today are just inherently bad people who want to hand their kids a TV or an iPad instead of parenting... it's more that they simply don't have a choice. They have zero time because they have to work to keep the household running. Sure, there are lazy parents—there always have been—but you gotta wonder why, despite all the books and manuals out there, we haven't seen any real progress in parenting quality, while spanking is now viewed as this horrible thing...

George Davis6 said:Those two ideas just don't mesh, you know? If you "lightly" tap a kid's fingers with a switch, you're still causing pain. 🤦

(P.S. And just so you know, that's actually illegal too)

Besides, what kind of "standard parenting methods" are we talking about here? It sounds like you might not be aware of many, if you actually think using a switch is an acceptable way to discipline...

To help a child truly understand why they shouldn't stick their fingers in an outlet—what could happen, how, and why—you need massive amounts of patience, lots of explaining, some role-playing, improvisation, and ultimately, play. Hitting doesn't teach anything except how to be afraid of your parents.

Edit — here you go:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...t-and-violence

http://www.cnn.com/parenting...boundaries-4.html

You're also causing a kid pain when you don't buy them that toy they want, or when you force them to go to school when they really don't feel like it, or when you drop them off at daycare and they have separation anxiety and just won't stop crying. Emotional pain is still pain, yet it's totally tolerated in our society. I honestly don't get how a parent is supposed to raise a child without some level of discomfort that forces them to accept things, change, and adapt. Personally, I find mild physical discipline to be a perfectly fine parenting tool. And I'd love to see the agency that would try to take my kid away just because I gave their fingers a little tap after they kept doing something they weren't supposed to, despite all my warnings and explanations. I'd also love to see the study that proves this kind of thing leaves lasting psychological trauma on a child...

Chloe Kelly2 said:Whatever, my phone is acting up—spacing issues, periods jumping around—but anyway... I agree with everything you said. I can only imagine how hard I would be for her, considering how hard I am on myself right now and the pressure I'm putting on my own head. My mental state is a disaster, believe me. I'm hoping unknown will pull me through with the help of a therapist; that's why I reached out to a professional. Still, it helps quite a bit to share my problems with someone on a forum I don't even know...

You've gotta fix this because you're seriously screwing yourself over. You could end up blowing a potentially amazing relationship—marriage, kids, all that—just because of some basic fear of rejection.
Just try to tell yourself: if she leaves, then she simply wasn't the one for me, and why would I even want someone like that? There are plenty of other women out there who will actually care about me. You can't lose your sense of self just because someone walks away. It happens to everyone, all the time... yeah, it sucks, but it's just part of life. Don't overthink it, just accept it.

First things first—maybe work on your punctuation before you start lecturing people...

Also, it’s pretty obvious you’re struggling because you just can't handle the idea of rejection. What happens when a girl actually walks away from you?
Look, you aren't the center of the universe. There are billions of other people out there, and human emotions aren't set in stone—they shift. It's actually super common for partners to move on; very few relationships honestly last a lifetime. Plus, we're all just humans—we're selfish, we're hypocritical, we mess up, we get sick, lose jobs, or even just lose our minds sometimes...

Basically, what I'm saying is there's zero guarantee for anything in life. Nothing and no one can stop a woman from cheating, leaving, or just losing feelings for you—even if you're the most perfect guy imaginable. Your actual mission—the "holy grail" of getting your head straight—is to just accept that reality, no matter how much it sucks. There’s no other way around it.

The fix is to just live day by day and soak up the good stuff. That kind of spontaneity is actually what keeps a partner drawn to you, because it shows a healthy, positive vibe toward life. You both realize you're together because you love, understand, and support each other, but also because it's a mix of timing, chemistry, and your own choices. You both know deep down there are tons of people out there you could be with, but you choose to be together because you click and enjoy each other's company.

Loss is just part of being alive. Just like you found your girlfriend, you can lose her too. Of course, you'll put in the work because you love her, and yeah, you'll probably fear losing her sometimes, but you have to face the fact that you're often the source of your own drama, which ends up affecting her too. Seriously, go talk to a therapist and deal with this issue, because it's a big one. Possessive people are incredibly tough to be with—please, just take care of this...

Joshua Long62 said:I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.

A four-year-old isn't exactly "too small" to feel that loss, even if you can't recall the specifics at the time. Plus, growing up realizing all the other kids had dads while you didn't... that definitely shapes who you become.
I deal with that fear of being alone too, mostly because I've never really had anyone I could lean on. It's a heavy thing to carry around, and it tends to take over everything when things get rough. Realizing that is the first step, though. I'm with my boyfriend right now, and honestly, I put up with a lot just because I'm terrified of being lonely or rejected. So, you end up staying with someone because of your own fears and old wounds rather than actual love... You really have to dig into that part of yourself—work on it, figure out what triggers those feelings, and try to talk yourself through it logically...

Scott Cox56 said:@rd - I think you might have missed a bit of what I was saying, so I’ll just quote the specific part where I mention how some people seem to think that if you aren't being physically harsh with a child, you're essentially being way too soft. That isn't the case at all, and it shouldn't be seen that way. Look here:

I suppose my personal take is that people who view the world through such rigid, black-and-white lenses probably aren't cut out for social life, let alone for raising a family.
For some kids, you can simply explain why they shouldn't put their fingers in an electrical outlet, and maybe you'll grab a safety cover just to be safe, but then there are those unfortunate children who, instead of getting a thoughtful explanation, just end up getting hit because a "parent" feels like they don't have the time to spend on something as vital as actual guidance. Then, of course, there are those who use physical force as a last resort and then try to convince everyone else that it's actually a fantastic teaching method, though I imagine those folks are quite rare, and even then, they're basically gambling with how that child turns out.
Personally, I wouldn't want to take that kind of risk.

So many people view life through this black-and-white lens. And honestly, so many people struggle with perfectionism nowadays, especially in that toxic way... You can't exactly tell people they aren't allowed to have kids if that's what they want.

But look, physical discipline should never be the norm or an accepted way to raise a child. Why? Because we have to realize that causing pain isn't a humane way to treat any living thing, much less a kid.
That doesn't mean it should be totally banned as a tool, though. Think about it—like giving a quick tap on the hand; it doesn't hurt much, but it sends a crystal-clear message: "Don't touch that, it's dangerous." Kids pick up on those cues naturally. It’s a completely different story when you're intentionally trying to cause pain just to scare a kid into submission. In those cases, there's no point to it; it doesn't teach anything except how much it hurts. It’s like beating a dog for jumping a fence—it won't understand the lesson. But if you say "no" and give a firm correction when they're being stubborn, you're just correcting behavior. It's the same with kids—it's not about the discipline itself, it's about the context. I don't really care how anyone else interprets this... I'd only use it sparingly if nothing else works, and since my little one is still tiny, there's zero need for it right now. I'll also be the first one to call out anyone who hits a child just to inflict pain—whether it's out of frustration or just plain old cruelty. And man, it really gets to me when I hear a parent calling their kid a jerk or an idiot...

Scott Cox56 said:Can you all see what those self-righteous advocates are getting at—imagining how much chaos would ensue if spanking were suddenly legalized again, or heaven forbid, actually recommended by some "expert" somewhere?
Do you guys really see what's being said here?
I guess there might be maybe half a percent of people on this entire planet who actually sit around agonizing over whether this should be a last resort. The rest will probably just end up like these forum users who can't even wrap their heads around protecting an influence if there's a better way to discipline a little kid besides hitting them.

@rd - I mean, I believe you’ve been through plenty of that yourself, based on what you’ve posted before, so you don't even really need to point it out. It’s honestly a bit sad.

Look, my take is pretty simple: a kid needs to learn not to stick their fingers in an electrical outlet. If you, as a parent, can't manage that, then you aren't really doing the job. Honestly, it doesn't matter if you're using a belt, time-outs, corner time, yelling, or whatever other nonsense parents use these days—the point is you aren't stepping up as a parent.
Or maybe you want—like every spoiled mom out there—for every school, cafe, daycare, building, or neighbor's house where you grab a coffee while your kid runs wild, to have outlet covers installed legally. You know, just so your pampered little kid, who sticks their fingers in everything, doesn't get the chance to poke an outlet... because you're such a "good mom," coddling them and giving them whatever they want...🍿

There have to be standards somewhere, right? If we aren't going to use physical discipline, then why on earth are we moving toward parenting styles with zero boundaries and no clear rules? That just leads to a cycle of spoiled moms raising even more spoiled kids, while the rest of the world tries to figure out how to keep both the pampered parents and the bratty kids happy and "fulfilled" in their entitlement... And when I say "the world," I mean neighbors, friends, teachers, and everyone else you run into along the way... Hmm...?
Fine, we won't use the belt, okay? But look at what's actually happening—we're swinging straight to the other extreme. Why? Because parenting is hard, and most people don't have the energy or the time for it. People used to use discipline for that purpose, but nowadays they just choose indulgence because it's easier than actually getting off their butts... which just proves my point about that tiny fraction of people who are actually brave and strong enough not to just take the path of least resistance...

Scott Cox56 said:I guess I'm not reading his stuff for the very first time, so it feels like a totally logical progression for a forum user like him to end up walking away from his own child. 😢

I definitely agree with what was said before—that a kid is going to act out exactly when they realize they can dodge getting grounded or hit, because you've basically just trained them to fear the punishment instead of actually caring about the behavior that started the whole mess in the first place.

Oh sure, go ahead and report me to Child Protective Services because of my parenting style while you buy your kid some fancy new toy or a high-end iPhone just to try and buy their affection and prove you’re such a "great" parent...🤣

Look, I have every right to parent my way, whether people like it or not—just like you have the right to do things your way. There isn't some magic, universal formula for raising a kid. Even if there were, the streets and society would find a way to force their own rules on them anyway.

The thing is, kids aren't really scared of getting grounded or a smack; they're scared of being rejected by their parents. A punishment lasts a few seconds, the sting fades in five minutes, but that feeling of being cast aside? That sticks for life... Kids who act out are usually just starving for love because they feel unwanted, and they'll do anything just to feel like they matter. I know plenty of troublemakers, and at the end of the day, they’re all just deeply hurt people. It wasn't the discipline that broke them—it was the neglect and the feeling that their parents didn't care... Honestly, I don't hold it against my own folks for being tough on me, believe me, it happened a lot. I just regret that they couldn't figure out how to actually be good parents...

Carl Bishop2 said:Of course. It's pretty much the same story as any other parent who just doesn't have the drive or the actual desire to put in the work when it comes to raising their kid.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean—actually being present and doing the work of parenting. Even if discipline feels "old school" or unpopular these days, it provided something parents are seriously lacking right now: structure and clear boundaries. Putting earplugs in or wrapping a kid in bubble wrap isn't parenting... it's just avoiding reality. I feel like parents today take things way too literally when people say kids need love and shouldn't experience pain. But look, pain is part of life. We all deal with it—hard times, setbacks, personal struggles—everyone does. Kids aren't built to live in a world made of cotton candy, and honestly, nobody is. If they do grow up in a bubble, all that suppressed pain and disappointment is just going to come crashing down on them later. Too much discipline or too much shielding... they're really just two sides of the same failed approach to raising a human...