Posts by Brenda Booth5

granitetrucker7 said:We gave it a shot—coordinated with her coach to get her interested in hitting the heavy bag, and occasionally she’d actually go for it. But now? Nothing. We tried everything from volleyball to basketball to dance classes. We could try pulling a fast one and just driving her there under false pretenses—maybe she'll actually enjoy herself once she sees what's happening—but once the session is over, she refuses to go back. Especially not now.

Honestly, I don't think we should be bickering in these threads. Everyone here is just sharing their own unique perspective based on what they've lived through. We should offer those insights with good intentions, right?

As far as I'm concerned, I think you all have given it your absolute all—and you're still doing it. Whether you made mistakes or not is almost irrelevant at this point. There isn't a single parent out there who hasn't made tactical errors along the way; the most important thing is being aware of them and keeping your child's well-being as your North Star.

Time will eventually reveal which combination of medications is necessary and correct. I truly hope that, ultimately, they can be phased out, because medication shouldn't really be a permanent solution for anyone.

My very first thought when I read your post was that your daughter needs to be offered some kind of healthy alternative. By that, I mean finding a way—if at all possible—for her to gain at least one positive experience involving school and kids her own age.

She had the misfortune of being a sensitive soul who ran into negative experiences with her peers, things that unfortunately just kept happening. It’s truly incredible how some young people can be so predatory toward anyone who is different, while the others (those who don't fit into that certain group) are either too unformed or too weak to stand up against the herd mentality.

I won't claim that her experience is the sole trigger for her condition; it's likely a confluence of many circumstances... but I believe her recovery needs to be built brick by brick. One of those bricks should be slowly restoring her faith in people—specifically the young people she belongs with. And now, you've tried, and it didn't work. You have to keep trying.

And I would agree with David Bishop3 that you shouldn't indulge her to the point where you're essentially serving her. That might be okay for a little while, but perhaps you could start suggesting that once a week she joins you for some errands (keep it brief if needed), using the excuse that "you'll know best what you need."

Beyond the therapies you're already doing, my suggestion would be a gradual "re-entry" into real life. Even if it doesn't work immediately, try it very slowly, using a method of trial and error. Don't give up; if it fails once, take a break, then try again. In the meantime, I'm sure new ideas will come to you.

Jack Smith5 said:If you want anyone else to change their mind about you, you have to start by changing how you view yourself first.
So, what are we talking about here? What are your actual strengths, skills, or virtues?

Jack Smith5 makes an excellent point there... once you truly understand who you are, just be that person. Don't go through life constantly "trying" to be likable or putting on an act. People can sense that kind of thing from a mile away. If you can just present yourself authentically, without all that heavy mental baggage, then you'll naturally find your tribe. At the end of the day, we're all going to be someone's favorite person and someone else's total stranger... it's just how it works.

goldenmarlin64 said:Just to be clear, all this "massive dishonesty" she keeps bringing up basically boils down to the fact that I wouldn't admit when an action from her or our social circle actually hurt my feelings more than I let on. I wasn't pretending everything was fine just to bail on the group or throw it in their faces later; I just learned how to handle certain situations internally—things that might seem trivial to others but hit me hard. Since I was raised to believe my opinions and needs mattered less, I just dealt with it privately and moved forward with the relationship without issue. I never ever dragged those things out, even now while she’s digging up all sorts of irrelevant nonsense. I refused to play that low, dirty card.

She doesn't need an excuse. She insists she's right, claiming she just can't be around me anymore because I don't see things clearly and that I need to understand why she can't consider people like me friends.

The worst part is feeling like a fool for trying to apologize to her and explaining every little detail she twisted, which honestly just signaled to her that she might have a point. But she doesn't. It's only taken a few days for me to realize that. Honestly, it doesn't matter; I have no intention of reaching out to tell her that, because someone like her isn't worth the effort. Is there any point in talking to someone who has already decided they're done with me? Someone to whom the things I shared—things that are genuinely heavy and have been weighing on me for a while now—mean absolutely nothing?

You lay out all your vulnerabilities to someone, and they just mock you and laugh—not just behind your back, but to your face—and then have the nerve to claim they're a true friend while hoping I'll be "smarter" next time so I don't "ruin" every relationship. Fine. I'll be smarter about judging people, because I clearly screwed up big time with her..

The bottom line is, this is the end of that friendship, and you've already realized that yourself.
Regarding what I put in bold:
She claims she’s right and that I’m just biased, but even if that were true, she lacks any sense of the bigger picture herself. In reality, she’s being incredibly narrow-minded.

And that other part in bold? That's just typical condescension. She’s playing God, sitting up there judging and categorizing you.

It actually reminds me of that old song by The Rolling Stones. — granted, the context was romantic, but the sentiment is identical: "God forgave me, so maybe you could too..." But she won't, so you might as well just close the book on this chapter.

If my own friend ever opened up to me about what you shared with your group, I’d actually realize just how much courage it takes to get those words out... and I’d really respect her for it.

Assuming you hadn't said a word to her, would she have even considered your relationship "fine" from her perspective? If that were the case, you could have easily kept quiet just to spare her the "poor thing" confusion.

At the end of the day, you had your own internal psychological reasons for being somewhat dishonest... but what exactly was her justification for this kind of friendship?

goldenmarlin64, honestly, what you’re going through is something so many people deal with... even without having a specific issue quite like yours, if we can even call it a "problem" in the first place.

At some point, every friendship eventually hits a breaking point where everything is laid bare on the table.

Oh, and look, when I find myself in a spot where I actually need to apologize, I'll do it. But there's no sense in spending your whole life apologizing, especially to just one person. Those who get it, get it... and those who don't? Well, they won't understand even after a thousand apologies.

Exactly the same way.

I truly believe there is a valid reason behind this. Kids have an immense amount of growing up to do before they finally grasp the big picture. If they spent that entire formative period spiraling into "what if" scenarios or obsessing over their own uncertain futures, I suspect it would simply break them...

I'm probably not reinventing the wheel here, but that was just my first thought on the matter.

Alex Walker5 said:What is your relationship with your father like?
What are you grateful to him for?
Is there anything you resent?
Do you struggle with an Electra complex? Do you have any sexual fantasies involving your father?
As men, do you deal with an Oedipus complex?
Have you ever felt the urge to kill your father?
Would you describe him as an authority figure, a friend, a stranger, someone worthy of contempt or pity, or a loving father whom you love in return?

I have a good relationship with him... it's dynamic and always evolving.

I am grateful to him for an upbringing that went far beyond just the childhood years. It's because of him that I am who I am today.

When I was younger, I used to resent him... sometimes for being a bit too overprotective.

I don't have an unknown complex, nor do I have any sexual fantasies about my father.

I have never once wished to kill my father.

My dad truly earns the "title" of father. He is a man with both virtues and flaws... and I love him just as he is.

Laura Ortiz83 said:Hello,

I am starting this thread, and I would ask that the trolls and bad actors stay away, as I am coming here specifically because I need professional insight.

Is it possible for a parent, reeling from a failed marriage and a profound lack of attention from their partner, to redirect that unmet need toward their child? Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but rather developing a sort of... let's call it a "partner-like" dynamic with them. Perhaps even a misplaced kind of emotional infatuation?

I assume there are people here who work in psychology, one way or another, so I would request that this discussion be kept to those professionals.

My thanks to the moderators for keeping this thread orderly; quite frankly, I wasn't sure where else to turn.

Thank you.

It is entirely possible.
There are definitely situations like this, and the motivations aren't limited strictly to what you've suggested. It could stem from any kind of deep-seated frustration—perhaps some other life failure—that leads a person to mistakenly seek satisfaction or a surrogate through their child.
They end up trying to mold the child into something they aren't... like a romantic partner, a masterpiece, or something along those lines.
As our conversation unfolds, if you feel comfortable sharing more specifics...

Olivia Hall2 said:Hey everyone. So, I'm 35. Married, two kids. Life is good, no major issues—I work, I make money. Nobody's going hungry, nobody's thirsty, thank God, everything's running smooth. No cheating, kids are great, pretty much all good. Except for my old man. We live in a house with my parents; we have our own floor where we stay separate. We share Sunday dinners occasionally, maybe a weekday lunch once in a while, and they babysit the kids sometimes (never more than a few hours a week). Basically, my dad can't stand me and he tells me straight to my face. I'm the black sheep in a family that, by his standards, is worth nothing. Just to be clear, I have a solid job, decent pay—probably better than 80% of people in the US—I'm frugal, I step up with the kids, and neighbors tell me they don't see many parents like me. And I truly love my kids and my wife... they're my everything. But like I said, there's my dad, just waiting for a chance to trash me. To him, I'm worthless, I have no friends, no real career, that I didn't meet his massive expectations and screwed everything up. It really boils down to this: if I'm reading him right, he's just taking out all his frustrations from his own life failures on me. And he doesn't care how he hurts me, even in front of people. Thank God it mostly happens when he's had a few drinks, but even then, it's too much (averaging about once every two weeks). I used to argue with him, but lately, I've realized it's better to just shut up and walk away because nothing I say helps. Of course, a few days later he feels bad, but he never says sorry; he just tries to make it up to me in some infantile way. I forgive him—he's my dad, after all. If he loves me half as much as I love my kids, then he deserves my forgiveness, but... it happened again today. He spent 15 minutes lecturing me, yelling at me outside the house so everyone could hear, and I was right there with the kids... until they started crying. That's when I snapped. I asked my mom to watch the kids and dragged him inside. I was this close to losing it on him (though I've never been in a fight in my life). I didn't even hit him; I just begged him to leave me alone. I have my own life that occasionally crosses paths with his, but he needs to back off because we don't need each other. I might need him, but if he doesn't need me, I can manage. I asked him not to humiliate me in front of my kids, because what kind of image will they have of their dad? A hero in their eyes. Nothing. Just a blank, half-drunk stare and a continuous monologue about my flaws and weaknesses... blowing everything way out of proportion. I grabbed the kids and left (my wife was at work). I know tomorrow will be quiet if we run into each other, and the day after he'll act like nothing happened. But I'm done. I'm crumbling inside. The self-confidence I worked so hard to build is falling apart. Because of all this, I'm starting to doubt myself... even though I know I'm not a bad guy. What do I do? How should I act? I'm thinking about cutting him off and explaining everything when he's sober, but that probably won't make sense either... I don't know, it's hard. He's my father, but he's never said "I love you," never said "sorry"—hardly anything except damn contempt comes out of his mouth. Yet I love him because he's the one who got me on my feet, he gave me a life. And I feel this damn duty to be there for him; he'll get old and frail, and he won't have anyone... I don't know, he should move out, but I can't let him. I've set up this home, put everything I have into it, and I can't just walk away from it all and disappear somewhere else...

If walking away isn't an option (and I truly get why it isn't), then you have to become—and stay—decisive. Don't let it just be that one single conversation where you pulled him inside.
You have to completely and utterly adopt the mindset of "this is who I am, that is who you are, so back off."
It’s sad and it’s brutal, but you’re going to have to treat him like a child or someone who is unwell, which, honestly, it sounds like you already realize he is.
You can show him sonly respect, sure, but don't let him trample over you. As a grown man, you shouldn't accept anything less than basic human decency. I'm certain you receive respect from your family and at your job.
Let the old man get used to the new boundaries.

The moment you sense a rant brewing—and I'm sure you can spot the warning signs by now—shut it down at the root. Whether it's a short sentence like, "Dad, you can't talk to me like that," or simply walking out of the room immediately.

There are fathers out there who, in their own twisted, old-school way, try to provoke their sons just to prove they can still dominate them, you know?😠
Personally, I can't stand it, but it happens. Try to gauge if that's actually his intention.
Regardless, you need to create distance for your own sake and for your family's.

Sam Hayes said:...especially if you’re generally the type who stays quiet and keeps to themselves. When someone like that finally reaches their breaking point, everyone usually just shuts up—though, of course, they probably spent all that time before then pushing every single button they could find. That phrase, "you can try all you want, but you won't get anywhere," really hits home, doesn't it?🙂

Honestly, being the target of constant belittling or any kind of bullying is such an awful experience to go through. I truly hope anyone finding themselves in that kind of situation can find a way out as quickly as possible—whatever that looks like for them. At the end of the day, nothing is more important than your well-being, especially your mental health.

This immediately brought to mind that old joke about a young Mexican—not being malicious at all, I promise; I only ever tell those kinds of jokes as situational examples rather than anything personal.

So, for those who don't know: this kid didn't say a single word until he was about ten years old. Then, during dinner one night, he asked for the salt. When his family started grilling him with questions, he simply replied, "Well, I haven't had any complaints until now."

That’s pretty much how it works with "quiet" people...

Sam Hayes said:I suppose some aggressors push so hard that you feel the need to hit back just as hard, but I think what you described is probably the superior way to handle it. 🙂

Yes, I agree, sometimes meeting force with force actually does get results.

Sam Hayes said:I’ve come to realize that most of the people doing the belittling are just deeply frustrated individuals who aren't particularly happy with their own lives. Oh, believe me—I know exactly the type 😉
they’ve actually tried to ruin things for me, mostly just so they can feel a little more significant or superior in their own minds. In my experience, the best move was simply to distance myself and ignore them entirely; they remain stuck in that cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction—perhaps even totally oblivious to how they're acting—while I walk away with a bit more wisdom and the quiet satisfaction of knowing I’m a better person because of it

If I could offer any advice, it would be this: don't give these types any emotional reaction whatsoever. Stand your ground against them (they absolutely loathe that) or perhaps nudge them along, but never, ever be the one to initiate the conflict. Though, honestly, the smartest thing is probably just not to waste your energy on them at all and just walk away

The absolute peak of personal growth is when you can look at someone like that with nothing but indifference and a bit of pity while they're foaming at the mouth, yelling, or throwing whatever tantrum they feel like...
It's that moment when you finally just shrug your shoulders and realize their nonsense doesn't touch you because you have much more important, much happier things to occupy your mind.

Casey Booth3 said:Tell me about it! My girl actually went on her first date the other day, and she's only an eighth grader. She calls him a "friend"—yeah, right, as if! After they hung out, she was all smiles for the rest of the day, and I just sit here thinking—history is repeating itself—if it isn't now, when is it ever gonna happen? Yours is a bit older, right? Is she still that high-strung? Mine is... well, how long does this phase last, what do you think? I wasn't like that at that age—my parents were way too strict for any of that drama.

Older—she's a full year ahead of mine! 😁
They've been seeing each other for about four months, but they're currently teetering on the edge of a breakup... though I try not to hover too much.
("Mom, you just don't get it.")

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that she trusts me enough to come to me for advice—but only on her own terms.
Not when I swoop in trying to lecture her. Right now, she wants to be the one calling the shots.

Casey Booth3 said:Oh my god, I am actually dying laughing! That comparison is absolutely gold! And honestly, it's spot on—my daughter is a carbon copy of yours. And that "we'll survive" part... yeah, right, if we can just make it through a few more years like this?! As if! I've still got two more boys waiting for me to deal with their version of this!!??

Well, there's us.
In the meantime, we've already hit those first major milestones—serious relationships, all their little arguments, and plenty of tears.
Ugh, it's all moving just a bit too fast for me!
I'm getting old, truly getting old...

Slander is inherently toxic, which really just goes to show that the person doing the talking is fundamentally flawed. To put it in more holistic terms... they’re clearly lacking some basic mental clarity.

The prescription: don't let their words penetrate your spirit, maintain a firm grasp on your own self-worth, and live accordingly.
And honestly? It's best to just give someone like that a very wide berth.

Once someone hits rock bottom like that, there’s no coming back.
And honestly, you shouldn't even bother wasting energy thinking they feel any remorse or are suffering through it.
If they ever do wonder why you cut them off, let's be clear: it’s purely out of pure selfishness and the fact that they've lost their leverage to manipulate you.

Jesse Fox5 said:Look, sending parents to hell—or just being straight-up disrespectful—isn't some "puberty thing," it's just bad parenting. That's my take. Honestly, I was fifteen once, and I never once talked back to my mom like that in my entire life.

Exactly. We can't just blame everything on hormones and teenage angst. There is no bigger mistake than a mom or dad saying, "Oh, let it slide, they're just going through a phase." Because some things don't just "pass."

Rachel Jones8 said:I'm really sorry things went down like that for you, but if you made it through... then you're doing okay. Just don't forget that. Life throws crises at you later on too, even if they aren't called "puberty," but you just gotta live through them, push through, and keep moving.
Life’s gonna throw a lot more at you, so just stay smart, fight the good fights, and solve your problems. Keep going. You already know the lesson: crises happen, but they always pass.
Try to be a help to your sister, not a headache. Let her grow up without you hovering or telling her which path she "has" to take. Just be that brother she can lean on when things get messy. Aim to be the kind of guy she knows she can count on, no matter what happens.
She'll thank you for it once she's grown up.
And don't forget your parents either... no matter how much they drive you crazy, most of them just want what's best for their kids (even if they don't always get it right). Once you're older, you'll realize just how much they love you... if you haven't realized it already.
And hey... if there's ever a massive problem, go to your parents. Don't forget that. Because honestly, who else is gonna step up and be there for you like Mom and Dad?

That's the truth. In my family, we definitely get into arguments, but they never last long. (God forbid, we're from the Midwest!) At least up until now, we've sat down and talked through every single issue until it's settled. We aren't the type to sweep things under the rug. And look, there will always be someone unhappy. Sometimes it's us, sometimes it's the kids.

I mentioned remembering my own teenage years earlier. I suppose there’s some cosmic reason why that keeps coming up. For me, that was easily the most mentally draining period of my entire life. Growing up is hard. But being a parent? That's just as tough. (There you go, Brenda Booth5, telling me to hush and mind my own business.)

I don't see what the big deal is... Honestly, she's just going through puberty, and let's face it, not everything a teenager says is meant for parental ears. 😁

It doesn't strike me as strange at all. I'm simply making an observation. Besides, my memory is actually quite sharp... I haven't forgotten exactly what kind of trouble I used to get into during my own teenage years. 😍

Susan James said:😂
Don't let it get you down too much, 🙂
It’s arguably "easier" because parents of loud boys get used to the shouting and commotion, while girls are supposedly quieter and more well-behaved
So it's no surprise when those little princesses suddenly turn into tiny witches once they hit those hormonal shifts 😱

In our house, the boys' puberty was pretty quiet, but now—post-game, if you will—we're getting these retrospective critiques about what we did wrong, how we "messed up," and (!) specifically where we're failing with the girls' puberty right now. 😳

Point two: female puberty (age 15). It's a hurricane, a tornado, a total tsunami. We can't do anything right; we're terrible; she's snapping at us, biting our heads off. 🙂 and 🙂🧐
There is one silver lining, though. She still comes to us to recount her adventures. Of course, we know she filters them... she leaves out the parts that aren't suitable for our delicate parental ears, but I've developed my own sensors by now and I know how to fill in the blanks.
If you weigh the concept of a mother-in-law (the perennial villain on these forums) against a daughter in puberty, go ahead, take a guess at which one carries more weight.
But, I suppose we'll survive. Others have, too. 🧐