@ Nathan Ramirez2
She didn't really see her clearly before. It was only when she got pregnant that her eyes finally opened and she realized she could actually lose her son.
The dynamic between her and her father-in-law is exactly what I suspected. Everything she failed to experience before, she’s living out now through her son.
Whatever, it all just goes in circles or spirals, take your pick.
And look, we all bend in certain ways or end up doing stuff we swore we'd never touch.
But you have to know where to draw the line.
Life is what it is, but only after you've done everything you can and everything you want to do.
Just accepting life like this? I don't know. That sounds like a disaster to me.
Yeah, sure, love and marriage work wonders?
How much longer are you going to love him? And what kind of marriage do you even have now, let alone later...
God, there isn't even any sex! I wouldn't even be able to get in the mood if his mother was touching my underwear!
You know what's interesting?
For the two of you to live normally—meaning, for him to be totally fine without her—he'd need to be away from her. He's only like this because of her.
Have you tried that? If he were in a different environment without Mommy hovering, he’d be a completely different man.
But I still don't believe it's possible. Her influence will always be stronger.
That's how she programmed him.
rustymaker5 said:Others have already chimed in with their thoughts on how you should handle this, but at the end of the day, the choice is entirely yours... 🙂
First things first, you really need to sit down and get honest with yourself about whether you actually love your husband and if you truly see a future with him by your side. If you're feeling even a little bit uncertain about those feelings, then just end it now, no matter how much it hurts in the moment... because everything waiting for you down the road is going to be so much more painful if you drag it out.
Now, if you do genuinely love him, you’ve basically got two paths to take. Given the way he is—and let's face it, you aren't going to change him, nor can you—you might want to just accept the situation so you aren't constantly suffering through it. You could try handing off all the housework, the cooking, the laundry, and all that stuff to your mother-in-law (with a polite "thank you," obviously), without letting it weigh on your mind... eventually, she'll get tired of doing it all. In the meantime, you can focus on your own career, your hobbies, and just living your life. And please, don't ever let this make you feel like you're a lesser wife or an inadequate mother... turn the whole thing to your advantage instead.
The other option, which isn't much of an option really, is to just keep letting this eat away at you, with absolutely no expectation that things will actually get better. Not to mention, you'll just find yourself drifting further and further away from your husband until the love just withers away entirely anyway...
Whichever way you decide to go, I truly wish you nothing but the best. 🙂
Uh, yeah right... she's never going to get sick of it.
fadedbear8 said:Lucky you, making such a huge deal out of this... I didn't actually read every single detail, because honestly, who has the energy for such riveting drama—like whether she swiped your laundry off the line or was just bold enough to iron it for you.
Yeah, Mom clearly has an intense attachment to her son. And obviously, she didn't trust that you’d keep him well-fed after you two tied the knot—her heart probably broke knowing he'd actually have to heat up his own leftovers sometimes. Also, it wouldn't hurt if she actually knocked before walking into your room, just in case she accidentally wanders in while you guys are being intimate (even though you say that's not happening)... and things like that.
As far as everything else goes, you’re just as responsible as she is, if not more. You chose her son, which makes her a secondary character in this whole saga. (You know how it goes: every family has that one crazy aunt or weird uncle, so naturally, our partners' parents aren't always our cup of tea...). Look, when you decided to marry this guy, you should have really thought about where and how you’d live—realizing there’s a massive difference between living independently and living under someone else's roof. I always tell anyone moving in with their in-laws that it's a mistake... You're in his parents' house, so you're the one who had to adapt to them. You could have seen this coming.
I'm not saying it's okay for her to barge into your room without knocking, but I think you're really nitpicking when you complain about the cooking, the laundry, the ironing, and all that. You should be grateful to have a mother-in-law like mine. Whenever we visit, she’ll open an empty fridge—even though she lives quite comfortably—and then, once we're all gathered in the kitchen, she'll just say, "I honestly have no idea what you guys eat, so I didn't buy anything"... And then my husband and I head straight to the nearest Target or Walmart (on an empty stomach) to grab everything from bread and milk to margarine, coffee, jam, deli meats, and drinks... (By the way, that comment about "not knowing what we eat" is hilarious—maybe we eat nails or sawdust or something?)... Anyway, I don't nag my husband about her. She's just one of those miserable, emotionally stunted, unhospitable, and pathologically stingy people. Usually, when she’s a guest at our place—either with me or my folks (alongside my late father-in-law)—it’s funny how my mom or I always knew exactly what they liked. There was always plenty of food, from meat to dessert, and nobody ever said, "No thanks" or turned anything down. But the moment we go to their place, she'll say, "Sorry, I don't bake, the oven heating costs too much for me."😲 Or, more recently, that "I don't know what you eat" bit. Pure genius. Maybe you'd be happier if you had a mother-in-law like that. In her entire life, she's never bought a single gift for her grandkids—not even for birthdays—never $6.75 gave any pocket money, nothing... despite having a pretty decent standard of living... So what kind of help or ironing is that? Honestly, it makes me want to laugh reading about what's bothering you—the fact that your mother-in-law keeps trying to cook and iron for you...
Anyway, enough about my situation. I try to distance myself from it and I don't badger my husband about her or how hurt I am by her... We have a great marriage. He's dealt with enough misery having an emotionally broken mother. She is who she is, and I don't lump her in with my husband or with "us."
Your mistake wasn't going behind his back to tell him what she said to you in private. Sorry, but by acting like that, you basically branded yourself a gossip and a troublemaker... You don't really have grounds to complain while you're living in their house. Your only real move is to become financially independent—work toward being able to buy your own place or rent an apartment so you can live on your own. Any other issues you have with your husband regarding this (like if he refuses to move) are issues with HIM. That's a problem between you and HIM, not his mother. Because if you can't reach an agreement with him, or if you two don't see eye to eye, and if his mother is constantly more important to him than you—or the marriage, the family he built himself—then sorry, the problem is him, not his mommy.
Look, don't just pass the buck to your mother-in-law—put it back where it belongs: right on your husband.
It's not even about who's to blame.
It's about who's already sick, and who's just going to end up getting sick from the whole mess...
fadedbear8 said:Look, they’re living in "their" house, not their own. They're in a place built by his parents, which belongs to them, and where they run a family business—where everyone, apparently, including the daughter and all the kids, works together. And since they're there every single day, it's actually worse—it seems they view the whole house as just an "amenity," like some perk of the business where they can just grab a free meal while working... Yeah, it's like what was said about the housing situation being like living at a train station. There won't be any peace in that house—not even if the mother-in-law starts knocking on the door. Long story short, she's still in "their" house, where—as she puts it—they act like they own the place...
I shared my own story just to show that there are definitely things worse than a mother-in-law trying to take over the cooking and laundry... I'd love to see how she'd handle an "autistic," cold, and selfish woman like my mother-in-law was. She spent her entire life grabbing everything for herself—from her husband, her relatives, her kids, and us... and in return, she wouldn't even bother buying a single chocolate bar for her grandkids, or even a jar of jam and some deli meat when we visited for a few days. Not to mention she never even thought to wish anyone a happy birthday... Yet, somehow, I managed to maintain a good relationship with her son without letting our marriage fall apart from my own resentment—and believe me, I was deeply hurt. I couldn't believe people like that actually existed. But they do... and probably worse ones too. Though, I suspect her mother-in-law might actually be better than mine. She could likely fix most of these issues if she just moved out, but her husband would have to be willing to do that too... It isn't about what the mother-in-law wants or doesn't want; it's about what she and her husband want. To me, the bigger issue seems to be the husband... (hmm, so he punishes her by avoiding intimacy because she's on bad terms with his mom 🙄 ...whatever!!! And then she makes the mother-in-law the main problem!).
And this whole "I told my mother-in-law everything she told me in confidence" thing... hm... Nathan Ramirez2 is playing a power game in someone else's house, trying to see "who's boss," but you don't play those games on someone else's turf. You have to stand on your own two feet first—meaning, get your own place. If she's unhappy in their house, the only solution is renting or buying her own home... Or, if they're short on cash and she thinks her parents are much fairer and would be more willing to accommodate her husband (?) than his parents would accommodate her, maybe they should try moving in with hers.
If they were given the house and an apartment to live in, then for any normal person, it's pretty clear who the boss of that house is. It's just that the mother is being overly possessive.
And she hasn't actually given anything. She's just making sure her son doesn't break free from her control.
Richard Moore53 said:If a mother truly loves her son, she should embrace his wife as her own daughter rather than treating her like a rival—which, let’s face it, is how most of these family dramas play out. My honest advice? Get out of that environment. A marriage under that kind of pressure isn't going to survive.
She’s just looking out for herself.
It’s not going to last; it’s really just a matter of when the fallout happens and how much damage gets done in the process.