Posts by Andrew Doyle

vividdrifter26 said:Look, I’m no medical expert, but in plain English—it’s not even about overeating. It’s more like this deep, gut-wrenching "devouring" feeling you get when a problem haunts you so hard you can't even think about it without feeling pure dread.

It’s basically that sensation that the whole world is collapsing and there’s nothing you can do about it—you're just at the mercy of whatever comes your way. I’ve been on Zoloft for 10 years now (currently at 200mg a day since 2009), and I have Xanax prescribed up to 1.5mg, though I try to avoid it unless things get really bad. I do yoga and meditation, which helps ease the symptoms quite a bit, but for it to actually work, I have to commit two and a half to three hours of meditation every single day.

The reason I’m posting is because I feel like my Xanax just doesn't hit the same way it did ten years ago. Maybe it’s just me, but back then, 0.25mg once a day worked wonders. Now? I need closer to 1mg to get that same relief. First, my doctor told me those doses were too low for someone my size (100kg), but then later she said it was great that I hadn't needed an even higher dose after a decade. So... what gives?

Look, given how long you've been on it and the fact that Xanax is an anxiolytic, why on earth are we surprised? If it still worked perfectly after all this time, that would be the real mystery.🤷

briskpuma18 said:Hi everyone.
I’m hoping someone here might have some actual, practical advice for a situation I’m stuck in—honestly, I just don't know how to handle this anymore. My mom is physically and emotionally abusing my grandmother. It’s gotten to the point where she has these uncontrollable outbursts of rage; she claims she’s just "stressed," but it’s gone far beyond being stressed when she’s screaming at an elderly, vulnerable woman every single day—and often hitting her, too—just because Grandma "isn't listening" or because Mom feels overwhelmed by the burden of caregiving. Mom refuses to see anyone for help. Meanwhile, my dad thinks a psychiatrist is unnecessary—he basically says it's all just a "money grab" and makes excuses, arguing that it’s understandable why she’s losing it since it’s her own mother and she's struggling with seeing her decline. But Grandma is showing me bruises. She’s just... heartbroken and listless, and it kills me to see her like this. I’ve tried reaching out to local domestic violence advocacy groups for guidance, and I’ve offered to take over the caregiving myself so Mom can move back home—anything to make the environment safe for Grandma—but Mom refuses to leave her side, which only makes her more destructive toward Grandma, toward me, and toward herself. How do you help someone who flat-out rejects professional intervention? And how do you deal with a family that seems determined to just sweep everything under the rug? We’ve had every serious conversation imaginable, but nothing changes. I just feel completely helpless and depressed.

Look, I get it—nobody in that position has it easy. Your mother is essentially being consumed by this situation, but there is absolutely no excuse for the behavior. You need to create distance immediately and find professional help, because this kind of conduct doesn't help anyone; if anything, it just makes everything much worse. Violence needs to be reported to the police and/or Child Protective Services or Adult Protective Services. Those agencies are legally obligated to intervene in cases like this. If she were to ask, "Have I just snapped? Am I just fed up with everything?" my response would be blunt: "Then walk away right now. Get yourself out of the house while you still have the choice, before the police are the ones forcing you to leave."

Angela Wright said:Look, just be grateful to God that you’re healthy, your kid is doing well, and you’ve actually got your life together with enough money to live comfortably. Honestly, having that kind of stability is a massive blessing these days. You’ll find plenty of people who aren't as lucky acting bitter or jealous because of it, but let's be real—those people are the ones losing out in the end. My great-grandmother used to wrap up every single prayer with the same thing: "God, just give us health, and above all, give us good sense." That’s the mindset you should keep when you think about your extended family.

Absolutely. Everything else is just noise.
Family dynamics can be some of the strangest, most nonsensical things on this planet. If you’re truly dying to understand why, say, certain people couldn't care less about their own grandkids, then honestly? Just ask them straight up. I don't see what you have to lose.

Jason Martin4 said:Hey there everyone!
I’d really love to hear your thoughts and maybe some of your own experiences regarding a situation I’m currently wrestling with, because I could use some perspective.
So, I’m 26 and married, and more than anything, I truly want to have a baby. But what I’m really struggling with—and honestly, it’s been a heavy weight to carry—is my social anxiety and phobia. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, per se, but because of this anxiety, I just don't like leaving the house much at all, especially if I'm by myself, unless it’s absolutely necessary for work or errands. I don't really do the whole going out for coffee or hanging out with friends thing; I mostly just go out with my husband, which feels okay, I guess.
I also tend to be incredibly sensitive, and I often get this overwhelming feeling that when I am out in public, everyone is just staring right at me. But then again, I suppose that's just the social phobia talking.
The part that's really eating at me, though, is this nagging fear that I might not actually be capable of having a child—and I don't just mean the physical part, but the actual raising of them and guiding them through life. Since I'm still dealing with so many of my own internal struggles and uncertainties, I feel like I don't know the first thing about kids. I honestly can't picture how I would be a steady support system or a pillar for a little one. Plus, kids need to go outside and play, and that means I’d have to be out there too, chatting with other parents at the park or being fully present and engaged, and those are the exact situations that trigger my anxiety so much.
I know I could give a child my whole heart and be 100% devoted to them, but I find myself wondering if they would actually be happy, since there are certain things I just can't provide simply because of who I am. I keep asking myself if I can truly be a good mother given everything I'm going through. Even though we are in a really stable place financially right now, I have this deep-seated fear that I won't be a good parent, or that I might accidentally pass my own anxieties down to them, and that's the last thing I ever want to do.
And please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me that "everything changes once the baby arrives," because I think some things just stay the same, no matter what.
Is there a way through this, or a way to decide what to do?

First off, I think it’s actually great to see someone—especially someone so young—thinking this deeply about the actual needs of a child (socializing, daily requirements, etc.) before jumping into parenthood.

Now, let’s get real. Of course, children sense everything; they absorb it all in their own way. They are essentially mirrors for our emotions. For example, if a guest comes over whom the mother clearly dislikes, the child isn't going to put on a fake smile like the mom does. Instead, the child looks at that person, looks at the parent, and reacts based on the underlying vibe rather than the outward appearance. In other words, they react with crying, tantrums, or bad moods.

And it is precisely because children project back whatever they receive from their parents (insecurity, frustration, sadness, pain) that I believe you should take this as an extra push to continue with psychotherapy. Give yourself enough time to reach a stage where you can confidently say, "Okay, I am functional enough now." And you have plenty of time, since you're only 26.🙂

Shyness and introversion are personality traits, not clinical symptoms used to determine parenting ability. They have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not someone will be a good parent. You don't have to meet every single mom at the playground or be the life of the party. You can just focus entirely on your child and a small circle of people you run into at the local park.

Honestly, I think anyone who contemplates the weight of parenthood this seriously before getting pregnant is very unlikely to be a bad parent.

Nicholas Anderson said:My husband and I are living with my parents, and they’re basically pushing me out of the house because they think I’m lazy and spend my entire existence doing absolutely nothing; also, there’s the secondary issue where, out of pure spite, I actually sued my brother just to mess with his life because I can't stand him.

I’m pregnant, and an abortion isn't on the table because that would mean losing my husband, and besides, I don't think it would even bother me during those rare moments when I feel remotely "normal."
So, I suppose I have to accept that I'll be changing diapers, raising a child, and probably having to cook—which, despite my best efforts, I am terrible at since I can't seem to retain even the simplest recipe—because we can't just live off peanut butter sandwiches forever; even worse is the fact that a child needs parenting, yet I stubbornly refuse to even parent myself, which means I'll eventually have to care about how their day went, what happened at school (something I couldn't care less about even back when I was a student), who their friends are, and a whole host of other tedious things.
The whole idea is revolting to me, and if I'm being completely honest, I only want this baby for entirely selfish reasons.

My husband and I enrolled in this incredibly dead-end community college program, which clearly won't lead anywhere since someone will need to stay home with the baby, and I can't even think about getting a job because I'm still finishing high school and then there's the kid waiting for me.

Oh, and if it matters, I deal with depression and Bipolar Disorder; I've spent six months having my brain scrubbed by psychotherapy and medication, though I honestly fail to see the point of any of it.

I am so utterly broken that I've even considered ending it all simply out of sheer laziness, because life demands effort in every single sense, and I lack the willpower to even whip up a meal, let alone strive for anything meaningful; the boredom and the loneliness are just killing me, and I spend my days with no one to talk to, which might be for the best given how poorly I interact with people, and I know I'll end up being the worst mother in history because I just won't care—I even thought about pretending to care enough to stop smoking during the pregnancy.

Why am I even posting this? Because even a fool like me can see that this life is going nowhere, and the only real question is how much time I have before my husband kicks me to the curb too; my dad tells me I need to get help, but I don't really know how you "treat" a fundamental way of existing, and after six months of listening to the same nonsense in therapy that hasn't helped, I doubt it would help if they locked me up in a psychiatric ward for a month and repeated the same useless scripts.

Most days I just sit on my bed, staring blankly at the wall, lacking the energy to do anything at all, and I don't even have the desire to read or watch TV because I can't hold onto a single piece of information.

To be blunt, I feel sorry for my husband, and I feel sorry for this child who is going to have to be ashamed to tell anyone who their mother is.
I have tried so many times to act "normal," and every single time I've ended up looking like an idiot; after falling down and pulling myself up a thousand times, I just don't have the strength to get up anymore, and even after spending six months trying to cooperate with my psychiatrist to be a functioning person, she started allowing me to actually feel things, which caused me to crash even lower than I was before I ever started therapy, and then I'm supposed to just pull myself up again???

It feels like the only options left are to change or to die, and the former isn't an option right now; I've never been part of society, and I have no desire to start now, as I am fundamentally broken and feel this overwhelming urge to run away from everyone, which means leaving both my husband and the baby once they arrive, and I'm genuinely afraid that's exactly what I'll do.

I feel terrible about this, truly... but let’s get back to basics: what was the actual question being posed to us forum members here?🤷

rowdypanther13 said:So, I have muscular dystrophy. I’m not sure how many of you are actually familiar with the condition, but frankly, it doesn't matter. In my case, it is a heavy, agonizing burden. I am mobile and relatively independent, though I can't handle anything remotely strenuous—lifting something heavy or getting up from a squat without bracing myself against the floor or grabbing onto furniture is out of the question. That is my reality. Because my muscle weakness causes secondary issues with my joints and tendons, my disability is visible. Physically, I look perfectly fine, but when I walk, I waddle, and my feet drop like a duck's. There is nothing I can do about it. Not that I’m intentionally shaking my ass at everyone passing by, but anyone watching would notice.
That is why I’ve become terrified of going anywhere alone. My troubles really started back when I was living in a dorm during high school. It wasn't just kids; adults would shout all sorts of filth at me. They'd claim I had soiled myself, call me a wreck, or suggest I was some slutty girl looking for attention by "flaunting" myself. I heard those comments almost every single time I ventured out solo. Once, I even overheard a group—they probably thought I wouldn't hear them because I had headphones in—saying someone should grab me in an alleyway and rape me because of the way I walk. Another time, an old man actually charged at me on a bicycle and told me he did it because it was what I deserved for "mocking" people with my gait. (Though I honestly have no idea who I could possibly be mocking.)
And it hasn't just been verbal abuse. On several occasions, I have been physically struck in the park simply because of how I walk, right in broad daylight.
Because of this, walking alone has become a source of genuine fear. If I go out, I bring my mother or my boyfriend along; then, suddenly, everyone stays quiet. Sometimes I will drive my car just ten yards to avoid being seen walking. If I absolutely have to walk, I put my headphones in and blast music at max volume just so I don't have to hear the insults.
Whenever I have tried to snap back at an insulting comment, the situation escalates into threats or senseless outbursts.
Since I own my own car and carry a legal disability placard, I use the designated parking spots. A few times now, someone has actually run over to the parking enforcement officer to report that a "young, healthy girl" was using someone else's permit.
There are plenty of other indignities, but I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m rambling, and frankly, I’m scared for my life. No one ever stops to consider that I walk this way because of a medical condition; they just assume I’m some girl looking for trouble or that I'm being lazy while climbing stairs.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up on walking entirely and just switching to a wheelchair. But if I stop walking, I’ll lose the ability to stand at all.
I have considered buying a stun gun. If someone makes a comment about my walk, they can get a shot to the ribs. Given how much pain I endure daily because of my disease, they can certainly handle a little pain of their own.
What kind of society are we living in? Is being sick a privilege reserved only for the elderly?

Good grief.😲

I am fully aware that the way American society treats people with disabilities is an absolute catastrophe—you only have to look at how poorly our cities are designed for accessibility 👎—but for someone to actually endure such depravity... I honestly don't even know what to say. I am utterly appalled. It is horrific.😢

Now, let me compose myself for a moment...

Of course you aren't going to just stop walking and switch to a wheelchair because of these incidents. No matter how monstrous they are, you shouldn't feel pressured to resort to carrying a taser just to deal with every primitive idiot you encounter. Ultimately, given the health struggles you are already facing, you are forced to fight a two-front war: one against your own condition and another against a society fueled by misunderstanding, sheer stupidity, and total lack of decency. But that is the reality of your situation—this is the environment you are navigating. If you find that things are manageable when you are surrounded by your own community, then try to adapt your life to ensure that happens more often. In other words, since you can't change who you are or fix the entire world, you have to find the path of least resistance. That means seeking out the company of close friends or family whenever you head out. It isn't always feasible, but you should strive to have an escort whenever possible.

frozenpanther3 said:This is my own situation and my response to that question from Lowe's, though I figure it fits better here.

Hard to give a straight answer. Could be a million different things. People with zero imagination will just jump to conclusions and assume he's gay or some other bullshit.

I’m the textbook definition of what you’re talking about. On paper, I look totally "normal." Appearance-wise? Not an athlete, but I look fine. Sexually? I'm straight, though I don't really care for the mainstream stuff. I’ve got solid opinions on most things—maybe they’re a bit unconventional, but nothing crazy. I’ve got the degree, I’ve got the job, and I pull my weight in society. I look out for my family and friends whenever I can. I wouldn't call myself super ambitious, but I don't see that as a flaw. Most people just burn out or end up bitter because their goals are too damn high. Quiet, chill, polite, and smarter than your average guy... yeah, sounds like a headline from a true crime show. I'm hitting my thirties soon.

I don't have anxiety, low self-esteem, or whatever. None of that. I’ve just always been withdrawn and detached from people. I can hang out and function fine enough, provided I have a specific role to play. It's easy when I'm just the coworker, the classmate, the brother, or the cousin. Honestly, everything is fine as long as there's emotional distance between me and the role I'm playing. Sometimes those roles are exhausting; sometimes they're actually chill. If you get what I mean—the role is part of my life, but it isn't who I am. I don't see any reason to get emotionally invested or attached beyond the surface level.

I always end up in awkward spots when things get emotional. It’s not like I don't feel anything; it’s just that my reactions aren't loud enough to perform like everyone else. I can laugh at a joke or offer support when someone's struggling, but even then, it feels fake. Like I'm acting. So I just avoid those situations whenever possible to skip the cringe. Most people's emotional displays seem way over the top to me. Hugging total strangers, crying over nonsense, jumping around because they're happy—I don't get it. My threshold for all that is probably lower. Sure, my throat gets tight during a sad movie or when I see something heavy happening, but I’m rarely going to show it, especially not in front of people. I prefer staying level. No massive highs, no deep lows. Both extremes are uncomfortable and distracting. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, but if you're asking if I think this is a good way to be? Definitely. Honestly, I'm at my best when my head and my heart are just sitting at a steady baseline. That's where I feel right.

I barely talk to strangers. I keep it to the absolute bare minimum. If I need something, I’ll ask—no shame in that—but trying to strike up some deep conversation with someone I don't know? Can't relate. Not interested. Even with people I've known for a while, I stay pretty detached. I keep things impersonal as much as possible. Even with old friends, I don't do the whole "sharing my life and feelings" thing. At least not mine. I can be friendly on a surface level. I get people, I like them, and if they need help, I'll step up. But honestly? There isn't anyone I couldn't live without. No one whose passing would actually move the needle for me. My biggest issue is performing those "expected" emotions when a situation calls for it. To be blunt, I don't really miss people when they're gone. They're more like background noise I've gotten used to rather than actual humans I have a soul-deep connection with. Probably just rationalize everything too much. Keeps the emotional response at zero.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I’m messed up, schizo, or whatever. Whatever you want to call it. There's definitely an issue with how I handle emotions and showing them. Though, honestly? I don't even see it as a real problem. I haven't always been this way—maybe I was just too sensitive as a kid and built up this massive defense mechanism that got stuck. Now I don't know any other way to be. Sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes shorter, but on the surface, I look different. I hate it when people breach my personal space. I rarely touch anyone and I dodge any unnecessary physical contact unless the situation forces it, like family stuff or birthdays. That's it.

Look, when it comes to finding a partner, I’m just not feeling the drive to hunt. Emotionally, I’m good on my own. I haven't felt that "falling in love" spark in forever—probably since middle school. Sure, I’ve been friendly with a few coworkers, and honestly, it feels pretty good when they show some interest or flirt a bit. It’s a nice ego boost. But I never felt the need to take it anywhere. I usually just play dumb and act like I didn't notice. Part of me also finds the whole thing awkward because of the pressure. People expect you to reciprocate, and if you can't or don't want to, it just gets weird. Who knows. 😁 Why even bother getting into something when you already know you aren't going all in? It feels selfish. If you know the other person wants more than you’re willing to give, why play along? Watching people around me get stuck in these shallow, immature relationships just makes me sick. It's pathetic. They talk big now, only to be trashing each other in a month or two. That’s how it always goes. Sure, there are those long-term connections that take years to build, but I don't have the patience for that. I’m definitely not interested in wasting time on that "honeymoon phase" everyone else seems so obsessed with.

I once caved and tried dating someone just because of social pressure and curiosity rather than actually wanting to. Honestly, I just ended up dragging her through it for no reason. She was trying to make it work, and I was just trying to "go with the flow," but it wasn't happening. Back then, I was in a phase where I was being super social, and she totally misread my vibe. I have this thing where I don't want anyone feeling left out when I'm around. I noticed she was struggling to connect with people, so I spent extra time with her just so she wouldn't feel isolated—you know how awkward that can be. She took it the wrong way and caught feelings. I told her straight up I saw her as a friend, but suggested we give it a shot anyway just to see. She started hitting me up constantly—way too much for my taste, though most people would probably think it was normal. I kept replying, mostly because it felt rude to ghost her since she was a decent person, but the replies were short. The whole situation started feeling like a leash around my neck. At points, I even had these paranoid thoughts about it. She had her own stuff going on, nothing major, but I kept stalling. Eventually, she realized it was going nowhere and lost interest. It was clumsy, weird, and honestly, I felt bad. But cutting her loose immediately would’ve been even worse; I figured it would’ve hit her harder if I’d just shut it down right away.

I think life would be easier if I actually had the biological drive to pass on my genes, but I don't. Don't ask how I know, but it's a fact. It lets me rationalize why I’m actively looking for a partner, even though I don't really have much of an emotional need for one anymore. Honestly, I'd rather just leave things as they are. Am I screwed compared to the average guy? Probably. But at the end of the day, I actually like who I am.

I used to drain all my emotional energy through dreams or just zoning out—daydreaming, whatever you want to call it. Honestly, I think that’s why I can function like this without breaking a sweat. Just recently, I felt this massive surge of emotion from an interaction with someone I didn't even see or hear. They just swapped one object for another at a spot I pass by all the time. Don't ask me why, but it actually hit me hard—seeing that one thing replaced by its equivalent.

p.s. honestly feels kinda weird even typing this out (not really, I actually enjoy digging through my head and remembering stuff). and look, I'm not looking for advice. I'm not seeing a shrink and I don't think I need one (I'd rather swallow battery acid than do that), and no, I'm not going to quit or whatever. I've got plenty of better things to do with my time... just wanted to share in case anyone else feels the same. always good to know you aren't the only one.

And what about sex? Is that just a one-time thing for you too, given the handle—just a fleeting moment? Or do you even have those kinds of needs? (Are you at least practicing some Tibetan breathing exercises or something to keep it under control?😁)

Personally, I wouldn't dream of changing people like you. So what if you distance yourself emotionally? Honestly, there are much bigger issues out there than that. 🤷

casualstag39 said:Greetings. I was doing quite well on 20mg of Prozac from Eli Lilly, but everything went downhill once my psychiatrist switched me over to WebMD. It feels like I'm just drinking plain water at this point. Apparently, Prozac isn't even available in the US anymore, so they're pushing this new successor called Cymbalta instead. Anyway, I started taking the Cymbalta yesterday, and within an hour, this crushing fatigue hit me and I felt completely numb. I could barely walk all day and ended up passing out by 8 PM. Has anyone else dealt with this nonsense?
Thanks

Are you kidding me?! I literally just picked up two fresh boxes! This is the first I've heard about it being pulled from the shelves...

Jason Vaughn482 said:I just picked up my Zoloft today, and right as I was about to ask about the side effects, I realized I start my regimen tomorrow.

During those first 10 days, it was a nightmare: dry mouth, an overwhelming surge of energy, feeling hyperactive—like I just couldn't stop moving even though my body felt completely exhausted. My appetite also plummeted; I developed this intense aversion to anything solid or crunchy. And if I tried to sit still or slow down, I honestly thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest.

But after exactly 10 days—pure bliss. It helped me tremendously and turned out to be an absolutely stellar 👍

rowdytiger said:hollowskipper15, maybe once Mexico realizes they aren't some powerhouse like Bismarckian Germany and finally drops these infantile delusions about a Greater Mexico, things might actually change. Once they realize that Mexicans aren't some heroic people, but just a bunch of cowards who only pick fights with smaller, weaker groups instead of facing actual giants, then—and only then—might we see some positive things written about them. Right now, the whole thing is just built on myths and deep-seated manipulation.

Look, Americans don't hate Mexicans. What we hate is that delusional, moronic dream of "Greater Mexico" that tries to swallow up our own land. It’s simple math. Once you finally shut down those parasites who act like they own our people, maybe—just maybe—things between us will actually change. If you want respect from us, try showing some respect to Americans first. It’s a two-way street. Until then, staying out of your business and quietly sidestepping your drama is the only sane way to handle this. Go fix your own house before you come around here trying to lecture us on how to live.

Because living a lie is straight-up toxic for both the individual and society at large. Sure, snapping out of an illusion is a painful, messy process, but in the long run, it's medicinal—it’s actually incredibly good for your character.

Heh... oh really? Who exactly is making that claim?🙂 Where are these "healed" people who supposedly walked that grueling, painful path you're talking about?🙂

Red pill or blue pill? (:matrix:) 😍

Paul Thompson3 said:I was going to post this in Philosophy, but since everyone in the psych group seems to share the common denominator of being "totally screwed," I figured I'd drop it here instead.
Life is a struggle—blah, blah, blah... But what happens when that struggle doesn't actually have a goal worth fighting for? When you’ve just been spinning your wheels for ages, staring at a wall, knowing full well nothing is ever going to change? You get those little bursts of ego, thinking you've made it, only to crash back down again—just an endless cycle of highs and lows against a backdrop of absolute, impenetrable nothingness. There's no safe harbor, no handhold, nothing actually worth living for.
Is this the headspace most people find themselves in right before they decide to end it all?

Generally, yes.

If you look at the unity of life itself, realizing that suicide isn't some definitive "end" can offer a different perspective. These ebbs and flows are just part of a natural rhythm, and our lives aren't some special exception to that rule.

It might be worth taking a hard look at what exactly we are running from, what is truly draining us, and why...

Mark Nelson said:Hey,

I’m thinking about bumping my Prozac up from 50mg to 100mg. I guess I'm wondering how smart that move actually is, considering I'm already on Zyprexa.
My doctor basically just leaves everything up to me at this point. I'm 18, and my diagnosis falls under the F44 code—dissociative stuff.
I'm mostly struggling with depression, feeling pretty worthless, and having zero concentration..

😲

If that's really how things are handled, I would honestly ditch that doctor first, and then have a serious conversation about medication changes later.

To whole thing looks completely staged to me🤷
In any case, it’s pretty pathetic and frankly quite boring..

Carl Cox3 said:You are an emotional masochist.

Short, sweet, and brutally accurate.

If you actually want things to improve, stop looking outward and start dealing with your own issues. For starters, quit chasing these half-baked, quasi-relationships—or better yet, just cut ties with the ones you've already got going.

ruggedraven37 said:I remember how happy I was on my own before this; I truly didn't feel like I needed anyone. Now, suddenly, I’m "dependent" on someone else. I honestly thought I could just handle my own issues as they came. I know, I know—bottling everything up isn't healthy and keeping people out doesn't help, but I just didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage. Part of it was also an attempt to be more self-reliant, to find a sense of independence so I wouldn't have to worry about whether someone only sticks around when things are going well. I didn't want to face any more disappointments. Anyway, the bottom line is that I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow through my insurance, and I just want to feel better, regardless of what happens. Thanks for all the advice. : )

Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.🙂
I firmly believe you are on the right path toward doing what is best for yourself. Please check back in and let us know how you're doing🙂 and if you happen to uncover any skeletons in your closet along the way, don't hesitate to reach out to the support threads here on the forum... we've got your back.

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

Look, let’s be real: we tend to cling to what we know because it feels familiar, even if something entirely new—something currently unknown to us—would objectively be a much better choice. It's a mix of habit and pure addiction.
But why did I mention that you need professional help? It isn't because of him. You are in this state for your own sake. You need to address this for yourself and the internal issues you have to resolve while being in a relationship with a person like that. It might sound strange, but the truth is, you actually *do* need him. In every single way, he provides exactly what you think you want, even though you can clearly see how destructive and senseless it is. Yes, it makes absolutely no sense. Yes, nothing is ever going to change. Yes, this is called abuse, and nobody deserves it. And yes, self-esteem—that is something you seriously need to work on. Not for the sake of future relationships or finding some other guy, but for yourself.

I used to be able to describe my own catastrophic relationship with my ex like this: "Oh my God, how did we ever end up together?😍 He needs me exactly this broken and insecure, and I need someone like him—someone who kills me both literally and figuratively. It's pure pathology. Honestly, my diagnosis lined up perfectly with his, and we were just a couple that needed each other."
And these types of relationships are a sickness. It is incredibly difficult for anyone outside of that bubble—friends, parents, whatever—to truly grasp the insanity of it. And ironically, that shared madness is exactly what pulls you two even closer together.

But ruggedraven37, let me tell you one more thing. Do you know how incredible it feels to finally be yourself, to be calm, and to be genuinely happy with who you are? That is exactly how I have felt since I walked away from that toxic mess.🙂 My ex (who is as insanely jealous as he always was) actually asked me if I had already found a new man since leaving him, simply because I was radiating happiness and contentment when he saw me. And I really was. But it wasn't because of another man; it was because, for the first time in forever, I found myself. And that feeling is absolutely beautiful.

Don't be afraid of psychiatrists or, more importantly, psychotherapists. And as for medication, just because it's an option doesn't mean you have to take it. But please, go to therapy. Go talk to a professional. Don't worry—they aren't there to judge you or cast you aside. Besides, you're already doing the worst kind of judging and casting aside all by yourself. Don't be afraid to find something beautiful within yourself and for your own sake. Believe me, we all deserve love, but primarily, we deserve to love ourselves.

As for this toxic relationship and healing the wounds that are the direct result of it—just push through it. This detachment phase is bizarre and it hurts (especially if you're addicted to the drama), but trust me, it passes. Once you are through it, there won't be any force left strong enough to pull you back to that same dark place.

Sorry, I ended up writing another massive wall of text.
But you know, there is a silver lining in your story: you don't have children with him. Just please, don't let one of those inevitable "reconciliation" phases change that. If you did, you'd be dragging an innocent child into this toxic mess, forcing them to experience the poison that defines your relationship. So, be smart and start the process of detaching now—emotionally, mentally, physically, in every way possible.

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Listen, ruggedraven37, if you can afford it—and I mean you should treat this as an absolute top priority—I would recommend from the bottom of my heart that you find a psychotherapist and work through this with a professional.
This isn't some minor issue that people on an internet forum are going to solve for you in a comment thread. These are the kinds of things that sometimes require years of dedicated therapy under expert guidance just to reach the core of the problem and begin repairing a shattered sense of self.

I could write an entire book based on my own experiences—I spent way too many years trapped in a completely destructive relationship myself—and we would find plenty of common ground to talk about, but talking won't get us to the actual solution we need to make a change.

I haven't been in that kind of relationship for several years now, but I am still healing from the damage. And I will be healing for a long time. My advice is to put yourself in the hands of a professional as soon as possible and give yourself the help you deserve. You've already taken the first step by correctly identifying what that relationship was. Now, you need to take the second step: head straight to therapy.

Epona, look, I get it—this whole period of uncertainty is enough to mess with anyone's head and shift their mood. But honestly, the way he’s handling your outbursts by staying composed? That’s actually a sign of maturity and a pretty solid defense mechanism. In my opinion, you really shouldn't withhold an explanation from him, even after you've gone through one of those intense bursts of anger or negativity. You need to lay it all out there: tell him exactly how you feel and what this is doing to you—the fear, the frustration, the rage, the sadness, and those messy, conflicting emotions that even you can't quite wrap your head around sometimes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with offering a sincere "I'm sorry" or acknowledging that, yeah, this situation is incredibly difficult for him too. And don't be afraid to admit that having him there and knowing he's got your back means the world to you. If he actually understands where you're coming from, it’ll be a hell of a lot easier for him to handle those moments when you just can't help yourself.

I am sincerely rooting for you and hoping for the best with your test results.🙂

Look, lady, you need to stop drinking and go find a professional because it’s glaringly obvious that you need help. You can't just "will" your way out of depression; it isn't something you solve through sheer grit alone. You actually have to seek medical intervention. There are plenty of highly qualified psychiatrists and therapists out there who know what they're doing, and depression is a treatable condition. Stop just chanting mantras to yourself that everything will be fine and start actually undergoing treatment. Good luck.🙂

I’ve already given you my take on the anxiety question. I was on Zoloft myself; I dealt with about ten days of side effects—mostly feeling hyperactive—but after that, everything leveled out just fine. As for pregnancy, I used Zoloft, so I have no idea where you're getting those concerns from. My psychiatrist didn't mention any issues at all. That said, if a situation actually arises where medication is necessary, I trust that a doctor will know exactly what to recommend, especially during that early stage of pregnancy when the fetus is so incredibly sensitive.