When is "being polite" just too much?

Larry Wilson25 said:Just because one person took a swing at you doesn't mean everyone else is out to get you.

Look, being kind—actually being decent—is just how you communicate when you're working in service industries where you're dealing with people all day. If someone hates that kind of attitude, honestly? That’s their own baggage to deal with. This whole trend of people getting all aggressive and short-tempered in customer service... it's like a cancer, really. It just drags everyone else down into that negative hole with them, even the folks who thought they had a handle on things.

I'm really feeling what Paper is saying here.

Look, there's a massive difference between basic courtesy and being overly saccharine. Both extreme politeness and constant hostility are two sides of the same bad coin. True etiquette means being polite enough to get the job done. In any service role—whether it’s a barista at Starbucks or a clerk at Target—their job is to take my order or answer a specific question if I have one. Anything beyond that scope feels forced and, frankly, pretty annoying.

As much as it grates on my nerves when people are rude, I find that excessive, fake politeness actually makes me feel physically ill. And don't even get me started on retail workers who hover every three seconds asking if I "need help"—it’s borderline suffocating.

In this world, people who walk around with those permanent, plastic smiles are the very last group of people I’d ever want to know, let alone call a friend.

And no, I’m not being rude or uncultured. It’s just that I wouldn't touch a career in sales even if someone offered me all the money in the world.😁

I’m totally on the same page as Paper. Honestly, if someone gets triggered by basic kindness, they’ve either got some deep-seated issues they need to work through or they’re fundamentally confusing being polite with being a hypocrite.

placidrider18 said:I’m totally on the same page as Paper. Honestly, if someone gets triggered by basic kindness, they’ve either got some deep-seated issues they need to work through or they’re fundamentally confusing being polite with being a hypocrite.

We’re talking about excessive politeness here, not basic manners. And honestly, those people who are constantly over-the-top friendly? They’re usually hypocrites through and through, and they can be incredibly grating. That doesn't mean anyone who finds overly intense people annoying has "problems."

Sean Cruz said:We’re talking about excessive politeness here, not basic manners. And honestly, those people who are constantly over-the-top friendly? They’re usually hypocrites through and through, and they can be incredibly grating. That doesn't mean anyone who finds overly intense people annoying has "problems."

Yeah, I agree, especially regarding the "over-the-top" part.
Some people here are mixing up excessive politeness with just being decent. I have nothing against being polite.
Nobody is saying waiters or people in general need to be assholes. It’s just when they’re way too bubbly right off the bat.
Those people who want to please you so much it actually starts to get annoying. They won't leave you alone.
Like service where you walk into a restaurant and they're hovering over you, trying to cater to you more than you ever asked for or even needed.
Doesn't that feel a little fake to you? 🤷

People you’ve literally just met acting with this forced intimacy that makes you feel kind of weirded out. But again, you can't exactly say they aren't being "nice." (For example, someone might just view both groups as sleazy 😠 )

So if you think about it... how can these overly polite people be so sweet to someone they don't even know?
I guess my conclusion is that it doesn't really matter to them. These overly polite types probably just care about themselves and making a good impression. All that kindness is basically just masked indifference and superficiality. 🤔

redbear2 said:I’ve always had a soft spot for servers who are actually friendly and smiling. It’s pretty much in the job description, right? It just makes grabbing a coffee at a local Starbucks so much more pleasant when the person behind the counter isn't acting like they're doing you a massive favor.

I can't stand people who put on this fake, polished persona the moment we meet, just because they're desperate to win me over.

My favorite kind of person is someone "normal"—someone who just acts like they couldn't care less about performing or trying to impress me. They aren't out here hunting for approval; they just exist as they are. Take them or leave them. That's it.

Well put. 👍
It's the same thing for the person who finds all those overly nice, polite people totally grating. 🙂
(While they'll often be impressed by reserved people who don't try too hard)

Obviously, not everyone sees it that way, and not everyone interprets excessive politeness as hypocrisy. Some think the people who are bothered by it are just confusing hypocrisy with politeness, which would be a result of some personal complexes. I personally think that person reads people pretty well, and there's something to it. Like, their aversion to those types of people is probably more of a good intuition than some deep-seated complex.
But maybe I'm wrong. 🤷

Sean Cruz said:How can you not figure it out if the person is actually good at judging character?

I’ve never had much patience for people who are overly polite. It isn't some "specific aversion"—it's just a natural reaction to people who are clearly putting on an act.

Being fake-nice right off the bat = acting
yeah, probably. I guess that's why she finds super polite people annoying from the jump. because they're just performing.

Honestly, this is way better than anything you'd see on The Bachelor or Forbidden Love.

We definitely need to set up a Hollywood right between Canada and Greece.

Jerry Ramos90 said:Yeah, I agree, especially regarding the "over-the-top" part.
Some people here are mixing up excessive politeness with just being decent. I have nothing against being polite.
Nobody is saying waiters or people in general need to be assholes. It’s just when they’re way too bubbly right off the bat.
Those people who want to please you so much it actually starts to get annoying. They won't leave you alone.
Like service where you walk into a restaurant and they're hovering over you, trying to cater to you more than you ever asked for or even needed.
Doesn't that feel a little fake to you? 🤷

People you’ve literally just met acting with this forced intimacy that makes you feel kind of weirded out. But again, you can't exactly say they aren't being "nice." (For example, someone might just view both groups as sleazy 😠 )

So if you think about it... how can these overly polite people be so sweet to someone they don't even know?
I guess my conclusion is that it doesn't really matter to them. These overly polite types probably just care about themselves and making a good impression. All that kindness is basically just masked indifference and superficiality. 🤔

Well put. 👍
It's the same thing for the person who finds all those overly nice, polite people totally grating. 🙂
(While they'll often be impressed by reserved people who don't try too hard)

Obviously, not everyone sees it that way, and not everyone interprets excessive politeness as hypocrisy. Some think the people who are bothered by it are just confusing hypocrisy with politeness, which would be a result of some personal complexes. I personally think that person reads people pretty well, and there's something to it. Like, their aversion to those types of people is probably more of a good intuition than some deep-seated complex.
But maybe I'm wrong. 🤷

Being fake-nice right off the bat = acting
yeah, probably. I guess that's why she finds super polite people annoying from the jump. because they're just performing.

A new coworker told my friend—whom she had only known for a few days—that she loved her, and then asked if my friend felt the same way. 😬 From the very start, this woman was pushing this intense, over-the-top friendliness and politeness that just felt wrong, and it really rubbed my friend the wrong way.

The question is: does my friend have a "problem" for being repulsed by behavior and statements that clearly just trigger antipathy, or is it the coworker who is out of line for asking those kinds of questions to someone she barely knows?

As it turned out, after some time passed, there was something else entirely behind that behavior—certainly not "love."

so when you think about it... how can people who are excessively kind be so nice to someone they don't even know?
I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. Most likely, these overly polite people only care about themselves and making a good impression. That entire display of kindness is basically just a mask for indifference and superficiality. 🤔

You're right about that too; people who treat everyone with that same level of performative warmth are usually shallow, and sometimes there's an ulterior motive hidden behind all that politeness. People tend to open up to anyone using that approach, and the other party can easily take advantage of that...

Could someone provide a definition or maybe an example of what constitutes "excessive" politeness?

I know certain people who are just naturally upbeat and kind, as if they don't have a single worry in the world, even though they deal with way more than I do... and honestly, I truly admire that kind of inner strength to remain so positive... but then there's the other side, the hypocrites. You know the type—they act like we’re the absolute best of friends when you run into them, appearing perfectly pleasant from an outsider's perspective, but in reality, they either want something from you or they're just waiting for a chance to gossip behind your back. It's all just a performance, a sort of forced, hollow pleasantry because they feel awkward being around you... that specific moment when you catch someone in the act and they suddenly get all sour and start overcompensating with that fake, "oh, I love you so much!" routine...🙄

So, you see, there are two distinct versions of kindness... and then there's a third category entirely... those people from high society, who are cultured above all else. They treat everyone with respect because that's how they were raised, yet they still maintain their own private opinions about people; they aren't being performative toward someone they dislike, they simply remain polite but distant. That's why I think it would be helpful to provide some concrete examples, otherwise this discussion might lose its way and we'll end up conflating genuine kindness with actual malice, which shouldn't happen...
Of course, wolves in sheep's clothing definitely exist, but that's a whole different conversation...

William Chavez5 said:Could someone provide a definition or maybe an example of what constitutes "excessive" politeness?

I know certain people who are just naturally upbeat and kind, as if they don't have a single worry in the world, even though they deal with way more than I do... and honestly, I truly admire that kind of inner strength to remain so positive... but then there's the other side, the hypocrites. You know the type—they act like we’re the absolute best of friends when you run into them, appearing perfectly pleasant from an outsider's perspective, but in reality, they either want something from you or they're just waiting for a chance to gossip behind your back. It's all just a performance, a sort of forced, hollow pleasantry because they feel awkward being around you... that specific moment when you catch someone in the act and they suddenly get all sour and start overcompensating with that fake, "oh, I love you so much!" routine...🙄

So, you see, there are two distinct versions of kindness... and then there's a third category entirely... those people from high society, who are cultured above all else. They treat everyone with respect because that's how they were raised, yet they still maintain their own private opinions about people; they aren't being performative toward someone they dislike, they simply remain polite but distant. That's why I think it would be helpful to provide some concrete examples, otherwise this discussion might lose its way and we'll end up conflating genuine kindness with actual malice, which shouldn't happen...
Of course, wolves in sheep's clothing definitely exist, but that's a whole different conversation...

Exactly. I basically split kindness into those three categories too and was wondering which one everyone was talking about.

Jerry Ramos90 said:I know someone who absolutely can't stand people who are overly polite. It’s especially bad when they just met them or are just having a brief interaction. Whenever someone is being way too nice or performatively courteous—like a server at a local diner, for example—it totally gets under her skin. That excessive warmth, being super approachable, or just trying too hard to please everyone. People who are just wide open and overly friendly... man. She stays far away from that. 😠
Personally, I'm the opposite. I always fall for those types of people who are immediately open and easy to talk to.
I honestly can't wrap my head around why she has this specific repulsion toward them, though it's pretty interesting since she's actually really good at reading people. (Whereas I'm terrible at it.)
What do you guys think is actually going on behind all that forced politeness? What are their motives? 🤔 What kind of negative associations might someone like her have with that kind of personality? 🤷 And does it irritate you when people are super friendly right off the bat? Or do you find it attractive?

This is a really compelling and honest post. It’s interesting how you correctly noted that she seems to be better at judging character than you are.

People who feel bad about themselves—or, more accurately, harbor deep-seated insecurities—often try to compensate by projecting a certain persona to the world to mask what’s underneath. Successfully performing this act provides them with a temporary reprieve from the anxiety caused by those feelings, making them emotionally dependent on the process; they need to keep repeating and refining it just to stay afloat.

Perhaps the most glaring example is the late Robin Williams, who spent his life battling depression—which ultimately led to his suicide—all while entertaining the world as a comedian.

To you, he would have seemed hilarious, but to your friend, he might have felt exhausting. You might have been drawn to him for a deeper romantic connection (what psychologists call an attachment), but once you actually entered a relationship with him, you’d find yourself pulled directly into his depression, finally facing the bitter reality of what was happening inside him, hidden behind all that wit.

Jerry Ramos90 said:Yeah, I agree, especially regarding the "over-the-top" part.
Some people here are mixing up excessive politeness with just being decent. I have nothing against being polite.
Nobody is saying waiters or people in general need to be assholes. It’s just when they’re way too bubbly right off the bat.
Those people who want to please you so much it actually starts to get annoying. They won't leave you alone.
Like service where you walk into a restaurant and they're hovering over you, trying to cater to you more than you ever asked for or even needed.
Doesn't that feel a little fake to you? 🤷

People you’ve literally just met acting with this forced intimacy that makes you feel kind of weirded out. But again, you can't exactly say they aren't being "nice." (For example, someone might just view both groups as sleazy 😠 )

So if you think about it... how can these overly polite people be so sweet to someone they don't even know?
I guess my conclusion is that it doesn't really matter to them. These overly polite types probably just care about themselves and making a good impression. All that kindness is basically just masked indifference and superficiality. 🤔

Well put. 👍
It's the same thing for the person who finds all those overly nice, polite people totally grating. 🙂
(While they'll often be impressed by reserved people who don't try too hard)

Obviously, not everyone sees it that way, and not everyone interprets excessive politeness as hypocrisy. Some think the people who are bothered by it are just confusing hypocrisy with politeness, which would be a result of some personal complexes. I personally think that person reads people pretty well, and there's something to it. Like, their aversion to those types of people is probably more of a good intuition than some deep-seated complex.
But maybe I'm wrong. 🤷

Being fake-nice right off the bat = acting
yeah, probably. I guess that's why she finds super polite people annoying from the jump. because they're just performing.

Obviously.😍 It comes down to two things.
1. Because most people are terrible at reading others.
2. Because people with big egos genuinely believe they deserve that level of constant courtesy just because they're special...

I'd bet my life most people would be insulted if a friend told them their haircut looked like garbage.🤷

Regarding the idea of pulling back from certain business dealings because of excessive politeness—I think I saw someone bring up waitressing or bartending as an example earlier. Let’s be clear: not every server is cut from the same cloth. You can tell immediately if someone is being genuinely kind or just putting on a fake, scripted performance. Some people actually care—they engage in real conversation or give you their honest opinion on what’s actually good on the menu and what’s a total waste of money. My buddy works at a high-end bistro in Chicago, and he has regulars who fly in from halfway across the country specifically because they demand that he be the one to serve them. They won't touch anyone else. It makes me wonder—what is it about his approach that draws them in like that?

fadedrider17 said:Regarding the idea of pulling back from certain business dealings because of excessive politeness—I think I saw someone bring up waitressing or bartending as an example earlier. Let’s be clear: not every server is cut from the same cloth. You can tell immediately if someone is being genuinely kind or just putting on a fake, scripted performance. Some people actually care—they engage in real conversation or give you their honest opinion on what’s actually good on the menu and what’s a total waste of money. My buddy works at a high-end bistro in Chicago, and he has regulars who fly in from halfway across the country specifically because they demand that he be the one to serve them. They won't touch anyone else. It makes me wonder—what is it about his approach that draws them in like that?

That’s basically the line between a decent server and a great one. Let's be real, most service industry folks don't actually care about your life, but a pro wants a happy customer. In a server-customer dynamic, being polite is just part of the job description. Your friend clearly knows how to read a room.

placidrider18 said:I’m totally on the same page as Paper. Honestly, if someone gets triggered by basic kindness, they’ve either got some deep-seated issues they need to work through or they’re fundamentally confusing being polite with being a hypocrite.

Signed, sealed, delivered. I love being polite and I love it when others are too. I steer clear of people who are constantly pissed off. If someone gets on my nerves, I’m not gonna be sweet to them—I’ll just ghost them and move on.

Sean Cruz said:A new coworker told my friend—whom she had only known for a few days—that she loved her, and then asked if my friend felt the same way. 😬 From the very start, this woman was pushing this intense, over-the-top friendliness and politeness that just felt wrong, and it really rubbed my friend the wrong way.

The question is: does my friend have a "problem" for being repulsed by behavior and statements that clearly just trigger antipathy, or is it the coworker who is out of line for asking those kinds of questions to someone she barely knows?

As it turned out, after some time passed, there was something else entirely behind that behavior—certainly not "love."

so when you think about it... how can people who are excessively kind be so nice to someone they don't even know?
I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. Most likely, these overly polite people only care about themselves and making a good impression. That entire display of kindness is basically just a mask for indifference and superficiality. 🤔

You're right about that too; people who treat everyone with that same level of performative warmth are usually shallow, and sometimes there's an ulterior motive hidden behind all that politeness. People tend to open up to anyone using that approach, and the other party can easily take advantage of that...

Why are you conflating forced intimacy with being polite? Telling someone you love them isn't being nice; it's being aggressive.

Can someone give us a definition so we know if we're even talking about the same thing?

Matthew Adams4 said:Signed, sealed, delivered. I love being polite and I love it when others are too. I steer clear of people who are constantly pissed off. If someone gets on my nerves, I’m not gonna be sweet to them—I’ll just ghost them and move on.

Why are you conflating forced intimacy with being polite? Telling someone you love them isn't being nice; it's being aggressive.

Can someone give us a definition so we know if we're even talking about the same thing?

I was actually responding to the original poster, who clearly laid out the parameters of this discussion. If you had bothered to read her initial posts, you would have understood the context yourself.

And frankly, excessive politeness can be just as aggressive.

Honestly, I’d take a little bit of attitude over someone being fake-nice any day of the week.

Plus, isn't it funny how those people who act all sweet and polite to everyone's face are often the exact same ones who are secretly harboring a massive amount of resentment?

The author didn't even define what "excessive politeness" actually means. You're totally misreading me—I said being aggressive isn't the same thing as being polite, not the other way around.

redbear2 said:That’s basically the line between a decent server and a great one. Let's be real, most service industry folks don't actually care about your life, but a pro wants a happy customer. In a server-customer dynamic, being polite is just part of the job description. Your friend clearly knows how to read a room.

Now I have to ask... If it’s all just an act anyway, why would anyone even bother wanting service delivered with a (fake) smile?😁

I honestly don't care if my waiter is beaming at me or looking dead serious. As long as he isn't some arrogant jerk, we're fine. I just want him to bring me what I ordered. He doesn't need to go out of his way to cater to me, and I don't owe him anything beyond being a customer. Why do some people feel this desperate need for a server to act like they matter?😕

I’m telling you, people who crave that kind of attention (even when they know the smile is just a performance) just want to be coddled. It’s so pathetic🤣 you won't know whether to laugh or cry...

When you hire a contractor to work on your house or fix up the yard, even if they act a bit crude once in a while, most of the time there’s no bad intent behind it.

That’s honestly why I tend to trust them more than those high-and-mighty professionals who act all fancy but lack any real kindness.

fadedrider17 said:Regarding the idea of pulling back from certain business dealings because of excessive politeness—I think I saw someone bring up waitressing or bartending as an example earlier. Let’s be clear: not every server is cut from the same cloth. You can tell immediately if someone is being genuinely kind or just putting on a fake, scripted performance. Some people actually care—they engage in real conversation or give you their honest opinion on what’s actually good on the menu and what’s a total waste of money. My buddy works at a high-end bistro in Chicago, and he has regulars who fly in from halfway across the country specifically because they demand that he be the one to serve them. They won't touch anyone else. It makes me wonder—what is it about his approach that draws them in like that?

redbear2 said:That’s basically the line between a decent server and a great one. Let's be real, most service industry folks don't actually care about your life, but a pro wants a happy customer. In a server-customer dynamic, being polite is just part of the job description. Your friend clearly knows how to read a room.

What’s "good" to one person might be annoying to someone else. 🤷
Like what mentalny said, some people really try to be sincere. I'd call that being moderately polite.
To me, that means not acting like you're best friends with someone you barely know.
So, those people who are way too nice? They're probably just being fake, because I guess you can't really be that friendly to a total stranger.
Maybe that's why it bugs some people—that forced friendliness and closeness that feels a bit premature. 🤷

John Baker said:Now I have to ask... If it’s all just an act anyway, why would anyone even bother wanting service delivered with a (fake) smile?😁

I honestly don't care if my waiter is beaming at me or looking dead serious. As long as he isn't some arrogant jerk, we're fine. I just want him to bring me what I ordered. He doesn't need to go out of his way to cater to me, and I don't owe him anything beyond being a customer. Why do some people feel this desperate need for a server to act like they matter?😕

I’m telling you, people who crave that kind of attention (even when they know the smile is just a performance) just want to be coddled. It’s so pathetic🤣 you won't know whether to laugh or cry...

Does anyone really think treating people like that leaves a good impression? In this line of work, perception is everything. You don't need to be some over-the-top, fake-smiling salesperson, but basic decency and politeness should be the baseline. It's just common sense.

It makes perfect sense to me that customers would look for that kind of interaction. When a server moves around like that, they’re essentially setting the tone, making the whole experience feel more welcoming. It builds that positive connection with the place.

That’s exactly why I said the dynamic is completely different. You have to realize that a waiter isn't actually concerned about you as a human being; their job is to look after you as a customer. That’s what the bill covers, and that’s what the customer expects in return. It seems like we’re actually on the same page here, because I’m not a fan of those servers who try way too hard to be your best friend—you know the type, where they’re constantly throwing out little jokes or comments along with a forced smile. It just feels off.

I’d much rather see someone smiling than scowling. Honestly, I don't have any particular beef with a neutral expression, though. It’s just a matter of preference.

Jerry Ramos90 said:What’s "good" to one person might be annoying to someone else. 🤷
Like what mentalny said, some people really try to be sincere. I'd call that being moderately polite.
To me, that means not acting like you're best friends with someone you barely know.
So, those people who are way too nice? They're probably just being fake, because I guess you can't really be that friendly to a total stranger.
Maybe that's why it bugs some people—that forced friendliness and closeness that feels a bit premature. 🤷

Read what’s above. It isn't about being close; it's about being polite.

It’s starting to feel like the lack of clear boundaries around what counts as being polite on this thread is becoming a real issue.