When is "being polite" just too much?

I’m trying to figure out which of these behaviors you guys actually consider "kindness," because it's pretty clear we aren't on the same page here. 😬

kindness - being a warm, friendly person who's thoughtful, humane, and empathetic

courtesy - polite behavior that shows respect for other people

polite - having or showing good manners or respect for other people

kind - having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others; used to say that something does not cause harm, is not harsh or unpleasant

Honestly, this whole topic reminds me of when I first started my job; one of my coworkers actually thought I was making fun of her just because I'm always smiling. 🤣 Turns out, she eventually realized that's just my default setting.

Matthew Adams4 said:Signed, sealed, delivered. I love being polite and I love it when others are too. I steer clear of people who are constantly pissed off. If someone gets on my nerves, I’m not gonna be sweet to them—I’ll just ghost them and move on.

Why are you conflating forced intimacy with being polite? Telling someone you love them isn't being nice; it's being aggressive.

Can someone give us a definition so we know if we're even talking about the same thing?

Personally, I can't stand forced politeness. I tend to avoid those people who are always smiling and acting "perfectly" pleasant.

Politeness is usually fake, and we all know it.

What I actually value is honesty and being direct. I respect people who can take constructive criticism without feeling personally attacked—people who either respond logically or actually stop to think about the advice or observation they've been given.

Matthew Adams4 said:Signed, sealed, delivered. I love being polite and I love it when others are too. I steer clear of people who are constantly pissed off. If someone gets on my nerves, I’m not gonna be sweet to them—I’ll just ghost them and move on.

Why are you conflating forced intimacy with being polite? Telling someone you love them isn't being nice; it's being aggressive.

Can someone give us a definition so we know if we're even talking about the same thing?

In my view, politeness is just hovering above reality—it's role-playing. It's something you put on and then shed the moment you walk through your own front door.

The danger is that over time, it becomes a habit where we lose the ability to interact with people any other way. That's the worst part: we end up constantly wearing masks.

There’s a massive difference between professional courtesy—like a teller at a Chase branch or a clerk at a grocery store—and general social politeness.

Man, I’m gonna learn a whole lot from this forum 😬 basically means I'm not actually being nice, I'm just being two-faced because I can't handle a little criticism. Maybe if I just start acting like a total Karen, my popularity will skyrocket by like 50,000% based on how hot this thread is 🤣

I’ve met my fair share of people who are just way, way too polite.

But honestly? I’ve noticed a lot of them are pretty two-faced. They have this blatant knack for sucking up to anyone they think is higher up on the social ladder.

Once the "cameras" are off and they're just talking one-on-one, their whole vibe shifts completely. If they get the chance, they don't hesitate to talk down to anyone they consider "beneath" them.

This topic is a bit of a minefield to navigate, mostly because the original poster didn't bother to actually define what they mean by "excessive politeness." But honestly, watching how everyone else is reacting is far more fascinating than the prompt itself. I’m not sure how old most people in this thread are, but isn't it a little childish to lump an entire group of people—those labeled as being overly polite—into one big bucket and then smear them with such nasty adjectives? Don't get me wrong, you'll certainly find some two-faced actors in that crowd, along with all sorts of personalities, but there are also undoubtedly people who are genuinely like that simply because they want to show respect to others. Based on some of these comments, you'd think those polite folks are the only villains in the story, while the angry types or the ones sitting somewhere in the middle are somehow perfectly fine. Personally, I’ve always felt that sweeping generalizations are one of the worst flaws a human can possess. It’s arguably even worse than that fake, hypocritical politeness we're discussing here...

If there actually are people who are genuinely, deeply kind, they make up a tiny fraction of the crowd.

So, I don't see what's so controversial about saying most "overly polite" people are just being fake.

Within that group of fakes, you’ve still got different types—some are totally aggressive, while others are just moderately pushy.

Look, you have to realize one thing: that overly sweet, polite vibe you see in American movies? For a huge chunk of people living here in the States, it just doesn't land. It's not interesting.

That’s just how things work around here. Politeness doesn't go far when people can barely even manage a simple "hello" without being incredibly rude...

Politeness isn't some byproduct of Hollywood movies (even if American culture does push that image of constant smiling)... it’s really just a trait of educated people and the upper class.... which is practically non-existent here in the States.

40% of folks barely finished elementary school
40% max with a high school diploma

Every second or third word is an insult—idiot, moron, jerk, son of a bitch, bastard, goddamn piece of shit... just endless swearing.

Angry faces, terrible diets, obesity, pure frustration, that permanent scowl... and apparently, it's all the fault of the Masons, aliens, evil bankers, wicked capitalists, those guys over there, those guys over here...

"Where the hell are you going, you prick?" I remember being in the USA and getting annoyed because these "stupid" Americans were constantly smiling at me. I was thinking, damn it, why are you grinning like you won the lottery?

Just these "clueless" Americans, acting like they're something special because they smile. God, if we actually went over there, we'd teach them a lesson. They think they've been conquered by that Rothschild guy and that his bankers rule the whole world.

But the reality is, these "stupid," polite Americans built the number one superpower in everything.
Those "brilliant," angry locals—we've just created apathetic, broken societies that do nothing but complain. We've been stuck in economic stagnation for a decade, jobs are gone, corruption is everywhere, hospitals are falling apart, and everyone is just trying to get out...

I don't know what kind of neighborhoods you guys are hanging out in, but I’m surrounded by nothing but friendly people.

Jose Carter2 said:Politeness isn't some byproduct of Hollywood movies (even if American culture does push that image of constant smiling)... it’s really just a trait of educated people and the upper class.... which is practically non-existent here in the States.

40% of folks barely finished elementary school
40% max with a high school diploma

Every second or third word is an insult—idiot, moron, jerk, son of a bitch, bastard, goddamn piece of shit... just endless swearing.

Angry faces, terrible diets, obesity, pure frustration, that permanent scowl... and apparently, it's all the fault of the Masons, aliens, evil bankers, wicked capitalists, those guys over there, those guys over here...

"Where the hell are you going, you prick?" I remember being in the USA and getting annoyed because these "stupid" Americans were constantly smiling at me. I was thinking, damn it, why are you grinning like you won the lottery?

Just these "clueless" Americans, acting like they're something special because they smile. God, if we actually went over there, we'd teach them a lesson. They think they've been conquered by that Rothschild guy and that his bankers rule the whole world.

But the reality is, these "stupid," polite Americans built the number one superpower in everything.
Those "brilliant," angry locals—we've just created apathetic, broken societies that do nothing but complain. We've been stuck in economic stagnation for a decade, jobs are gone, corruption is everywhere, hospitals are falling apart, and everyone is just trying to get out...

Right. They certainly used that legendary politeness to tear apart Iraq and every other country they decide is worth looting. And let’s not forget how "overly polite" they are at Guantanamo. Bravo.

😢

Sean Cruz said:Right. They certainly used that legendary politeness to tear apart Iraq and every other country they decide is worth looting. And let’s not forget how "overly polite" they are at Guantanamo. Bravo.

There it is. That classic American mindset: Americans invaded and wrecked Iraq just to grab the oil and loot the place.

It’s funny how people ignore things like Auschwitz or the Mexican Srebrenica massacre when they can't see the proverbial tree for the forest.

The human brain just isn't wired to process the sheer chaos and complexity of the modern world, so it defaults to these little simplifications...

If you want the full picture, go read Colos by Niall Ferguson. I don't really have the energy to break it all down for you, but it covers it quite well.

Carl Rivera43 said:If there actually are people who are genuinely, deeply kind, they make up a tiny fraction of the crowd.

So, I don't see what's so controversial about saying most "overly polite" people are just being fake.

Within that group of fakes, you’ve still got different types—some are totally aggressive, while others are just moderately pushy.

Look, you have to realize one thing: that overly sweet, polite vibe you see in American movies? For a huge chunk of people living here in the States, it just doesn't land. It's not interesting.

So, did you actually go ahead and run that poll?

So, based on everything we’ve discussed, I really don't see what the big deal is when I suggest that most people who are being overly polite are actually just being fundamentally insincere. It’s like when you’re at a stuffy corporate gala in New York and everyone is smiling through their teeth while secretly wishing they were anywhere else; that performative kindness isn't virtue, it's just a social mask used to navigate the room without making waves.

I need to circle back here—it’s nearly impossible to have a coherent conversation when we haven't even established what we mean by "excessive politeness." It’s a slippery slope. That being said, your assertion is certainly up for debate, just as my own claim—that most people in these situations are actually acting in good faith—would be just as controversial if I stood by it categorically. Generalizing is a nasty habit, honestly, even when you think you're aiming for something positive. It lacks nuance and, frankly, it's lazy. For instance, there isn't much of a logical leap between saying "I think Irish people are great" and "I think Mexicans are total garbage." Both statements are fundamentally unreliable and quite frankly ridiculous because they rely entirely on sweeping generalizations rather than individual reality.

Look, you all really need to grasp one fundamental thing here: those overly polite, saccharine little clichés we see shoved down our throats in American movies? For a huge chunk of the people living in this country, that stuff just isn't interesting. It’s completely unengaging.

I honestly fail to see how American movies have anything to do with this topic at all. To my mind, we’re really talking about something much more fundamental—it's about basic upbringing, manners, and having a shred of social decorum. If you rephrase what you just said, you’re essentially implying that a significant portion of the people around here are just unrefined, backwoods types. But, as I’ve already noted, I generally try to avoid making sweeping generalizations...☕

Sean Cruz said:Right. They certainly used that legendary politeness to tear apart Iraq and every other country they decide is worth looting. And let’s not forget how "overly polite" they are at Guantanamo. Bravo.

Exactly. Honestly, if anyone actually likes the USA and their whole way of thinking—or acting—they should just pack up and head to the States. Be happy there since you clearly don't belong here.

The level of politeness you see in any given group really boils down to their mindset, their social standing, and how they were raised.
The truth is, we Americans can be pretty rude sometimes! Every time I’ve traveled through Western European countries that used to be on the other side of the Iron Curtain, everyone was incredibly polite, but when I went further East toward places like the Czech Republic, Russia, or Canada, people were just downright unpleasant before the 90s.
I truly believe some of those attitudes have stuck around even today.
But here is the thing—politeness and being a sycophant are two completely different animals! Politeness is simply how you treat another person, whereas servility is actually about how you treat yourself; it’s essentially refusing to stand up for your own views or interests just because you want to please someone else or squeeze a little benefit out of them.
Being polite is wonderful and absolutely necessary, but being a suck-up is, at least in my opinion, totally repulsive. I know plenty of those fake people, and deep down, they are all just dissatisfied, passive-aggressive individuals who you can never actually rely on because they’ll stab you in the back while smiling right to your face.
Even worse, I know people who would rather take a stranger's child to the doctor than their own just because they are terrified of what the neighbors might think!

Jose Carter2 said:😢

There it is. That classic American mindset: Americans invaded and wrecked Iraq just to grab the oil and loot the place.

It’s funny how people ignore things like Auschwitz or the Mexican Srebrenica massacre when they can't see the proverbial tree for the forest.

The human brain just isn't wired to process the sheer chaos and complexity of the modern world, so it defaults to these little simplifications...

If you want the full picture, go read Colos by Niall Ferguson. I don't really have the energy to break it all down for you, but it covers it quite well.

It isn't "typical American logic"; it's an objective fact. If you want a truly disastrous example, look at what happened in Libya.

Americans had Auschwitz and Mexican Srebrenica, yet they can't seem to see the log in their own eye.

Should we discuss how America built its entire history on the backs of others? Like those same Indians they herded into reservations like animals...

The human brain simply can't process the sheer chaos and complexity of the global landscape, so it resorts to oversimplification.

If you want to learn about the "glories" of globalization, I highly recommend reading this book.

This is getting off-topic, but I get a bit of a chill whenever someone starts talking about the American superpower.

Matthew Adams4 said:Man, I’m gonna learn a whole lot from this forum 😬 basically means I'm not actually being nice, I'm just being two-faced because I can't handle a little criticism. Maybe if I just start acting like a total Karen, my popularity will skyrocket by like 50,000% based on how hot this thread is 🤣

No.
Stop acting.
Just be the person you are when you're alone behind closed doors.

Jack Smith5 said:No.
Stop acting.
Just be the person you are when you're alone behind closed doors.

And I am exactly who I am behind closed doors, so I have no clue where you're getting the idea that I'm different.

Matthew Adams4 said:And I am exactly who I am behind closed doors, so I have no clue where you're getting the idea that I'm different.

It’s because she's surrounded by bitter, grumpy people who are just miserable because their own lives are falling apart. 😁

Jose Carter2 said:It’s because she's surrounded by bitter, grumpy people who are just miserable because their own lives are falling apart. 😁

Honestly, people like that just drain the life out of me. 😱

Matthew Adams4 said:And I am exactly who I am behind closed doors, so I have no clue where you're getting the idea that I'm different.

So, what? You're always polite and smiling, and never once sad or angry?