How not to screw up your kids: Parenting tips & tricks

What a disaster. Total mess. I guess we’re just dealing with pure chaos now. Maybe that's just how it goes. Typical. kaže:
Cool. 😁
I guess I'll just go ahead and start posting like that right now! 👍
So, where am I even supposed to start? 🤔

Dammit. 🤷

What exactly am I looking for? I guess that’s the question.
What am I actually into? I guess that’s the question.
If the world actually operated the way I wanted it to, I’d behave differently... maybe.

I guess I’ll just leave it at that. 🙂

That’s a tough one to wrap my head around, hmmmmmmmmmmm

If we look at this from a purely financial perspective, there's a real catch-22 here. For instance, if you don't provide your child with a certain level of stability or nice things, they might face bullying at school—kids can be ruthless about who has the latest gear or the best clothes. Eventually, that child grows up and blames you for the social struggles they faced because they felt left behind.............. and that's a heavy burden to carry....................

On the flip side, let's say you're wealthy and your kid has everything they could ever dream of handed to them on a silver platter. In that case, they might turn around and blame you too, claiming you spoiled them so much that they never learned the value of hard work, grit, or even just focusing on their studies and life goals..........

And honestly, in that scenario, they'll probably point the finger at you for any issues they have with substance abuse down the road, too............

Sarah Long65 said:That’s a tough one to wrap my head around, hmmmmmmmmmmm

If we look at this from a purely financial perspective, there's a real catch-22 here. For instance, if you don't provide your child with a certain level of stability or nice things, they might face bullying at school—kids can be ruthless about who has the latest gear or the best clothes. Eventually, that child grows up and blames you for the social struggles they faced because they felt left behind.............. and that's a heavy burden to carry....................

On the flip side, let's say you're wealthy and your kid has everything they could ever dream of handed to them on a silver platter. In that case, they might turn around and blame you too, claiming you spoiled them so much that they never learned the value of hard work, grit, or even just focusing on their studies and life goals..........

And honestly, in that scenario, they'll probably point the finger at you for any issues they have with substance abuse down the road, too............

But we don't need to go to those extremes. I have relatives who are seriously wealthy. But they didn't just hand their kids everything on a platter. Not even close. Their sons work at the family corporation, pulling the exact same salary as any other employee. They live off that paycheck, take out their own loans, and pay them back like everyone else.
The issue is when parents don't know how to set boundaries. That's when you end up with this bolded mess. 🙂

wirednomad42 said:Look, we’ve all had crappy parents. Everyone missed the mark on something—it's a given—but at the same time, they were doing their absolute best for us, even if we spent our whole childhood feeling totally neglected or misunderstood... 😵
So, who's actually the crazy one here??? 🤷
I also notice this toxic cycle just keeps repeating from one generation to the next. Honestly, my biggest fear is screwing up my own kid—making them some anxious mess who’s constantly starving for attention 😢
How do I actually pull this off? Please hit me with your tips, tricks, or whatever life lessons you've learned 😁

Hmm... why such a sweeping generalization?
Are you simply refusing to acknowledge the possibility that some people actually had decent parents?🤷

slywolf45 said:Hmm... why such a sweeping generalization?
Are you simply refusing to acknowledge the possibility that some people actually had decent parents?🤷

Let’s be real, we all grew up with imperfect parents. 🤷

My biggest regret? They waited an extra year to get me enrolled in school when they should've done it sooner... 😛 Also, they didn't pull the trigger on transferring me once things started getting ugly with the kids at my school... 😛 I am never letting that happen to my own kid! 😛

wirednomad42 said:Look, I wouldn't be hanging out with—let alone living with—someone else's kid.😕
Do you even have kids of your own?
Because let's be real—there's always going to be a gap somewhere... if you're glued to the kid, you aren't working enough and money gets tight—so they miss out on stuff. If you work too much, you aren't there physically, so they miss out on *you*. If you're too soft, they lack discipline; if you're too strict, they lose their sense of freedom...
I could never wrap my head around treating a kid like "someone else's." I don't really get what you're getting at here.😕

If I look back at my grandparents' generation, it's pretty obvious that compared to today, their childhood was defined by real hardship. Sure, maybe some families had a little extra, but generally speaking, life was just a struggle. And since everyone worked so much, they didn't really have the time to hang out with their kids either. They were having babies right around the time of WWII, which—looking back from where we are now—was a terrifying era. Even after the war settled down, things stayed pretty lean until maybe the 70s. Back then, the main goal was just survival, you know? Just making sure there was food on the table and clothes on your back. That was considered a win. Daycare was different, schools were different... everything! Nobody even knew what child psychology was back then. Things just happened. Then, through the war years and the unrest in the 90s, everything started shifting radically. Those were dangerous, heavy times, though maybe not quite as brutal as the WWII era. But the generations that grew up through those shifts and up to now are way more aware of the whole parent-child dynamic.
Nowadays, parents are becoming a group where so many people feel like their own folks totally messed them up. On the flip side, those who don't feel that way realize how easy it is to screw over your own kids. People think—or at least believe they know—more about child psychology now; there are new parenting methods everywhere, and info is just hitting you from every direction. It can be super confusing because you're hearing messages that simply didn't exist before. There's that one specific idea floating around that "the first three years are everything." Materially speaking, kids today are living in luxury compared to thirty years ago, let alone the eras before that. But money is still a massive headache for most. The fact that our grandparents might have walked around barefoot and hungry doesn't really comfort anyone today; it's more of a historical curiosity when you stop to think about it.
But one thing for sure is that we live in an era where more attention is being paid to children (generally speaking, anyway). Maybe we really are living in the age of the control freak.
Someone once said that every parent will eventually claim they did the absolute best they could.
I actually think things are changing there, and more and more people are going to start voicing it. More people will start questioning themselves, just like wirednomad42, asking, "Am I screwing up my kid?" because we hear constantly how easy it is to mess things up. Maybe they'll act out of pure insecurity, thinking they failed as parents.
I honestly think we might see a trend where parents of this new millennium become totally obsessed with these questions. Who knows? Maybe in twenty years, the next generation will have parents convinced they failed them, and they'll spend all their time analyzing it, while the kids themselves are perfectly happy and content, talking about a great, carefree childhood with maybe just a few overly anxious parents. At the end of the day, neither the parents nor their friends have any right to judge how someone parented; only the children themselves get to make that call. 🙂

slywolf45 said:Hmm... why such a sweeping generalization?
Are you simply refusing to acknowledge the possibility that some people actually had decent parents?🤷

Nobody ever came along and told me they had perfect parents—you know, folks with zero flaws.🤷

And honestly, it goes deeper than that—I just refuse to fall into the same toxic patterns my parents used, or even their parents before them.

Lawrence Cook79, this post deserves a solid 10/10!🙏

wirednomad42 said:Nobody ever came along and told me they had perfect parents—you know, folks with zero flaws.🤷

And honestly, it goes deeper than that—I just refuse to fall into the same toxic patterns my parents used, or even their parents before them.

Lawrence Cook79, this post deserves a solid 10/10!🙏

Oh, don't be so sure! As your child continues to grow, you'll find that your tendency to judge parents starts to fade away, and before you know it, you'll be facing those real-world parenting challenges head-on.
If you had asked my brothers and me for our take on our parents over twenty years ago, I’m sure we would have had plenty of complaints to air! However, looking back today, we all find ourselves in complete agreement that we were actually blessed with wonderful parents; I suppose we simply had to experience parenthood firsthand to truly grasp how much they did for us.

hiddenmarlin14 said:Let’s be real, we all grew up with imperfect parents. 🤷

Let’s be honest: perfection in people is a complete myth anyway. It's an impossible standard that doesn't exist in the real world.

Quincy:

wirednomad42 As specified by: To be perfectly honest, I don’t think anyone ever stops to mention that some people actually grew up with decent parents—you know, the kind who didn't make life an uphill battle or leave you constantly second-guessing yourself. It’s one of those things we rarely talk about, but having parents who just... get it right? That’s a massive head start. 🤷

There will always be someone out there finding something to nitpick or hold against someone else. It’s just part of the human condition, really. Honestly, it's practically a law of nature at this point.
There are certain imperfections that simply cannot be smoothed over, no matter how much effort you pour into the polish. It’s like trying to sand down a piece of reclaimed wood from an old barn in rural Kentucky—you can try to make it look like a factory-perfect slab from IKEA, but you’ll always see those knots and grain patterns underneath. They aren't bugs in the system; they are the system. We spend so much time chasing this idea of seamless efficiency, as if life were a software update that could eventually patch out every glitch, but some flaws are baked right into the foundation. You have to decide whether you’re going to fight the texture or learn how to work with it. They’re heading straight for the territory.Look, we’re talking about things that are just fundamentally human. You can't spend your whole life holding a grudge over every little imperfection or minor slip-up. It’s exhausting, really. If you try to nitpick every tiny detail forever, you're going to miss the bigger picture entirely.
Do parents who absolutely wreck their children’s lives for good? Oh, they exist in abundance. It’s a tragic, recurring reality.

To be honest, answering the question in the title isn't as straightforward as it might seem. I suspect a massive chunk of the solution boils down to simple, transparent communication. It’s about refusing to patronize kids or treat them like they lack the capacity to understand the world; instead, we should be having genuine, unfiltered conversations about everything life throws our way as they grow up. And that shouldn't just be limited to the things happening in their lives—it includes the realities of what growing up does to you as a parent, too.

Here is yet another recent example of a disgruntled child from my own family.

Hercules is 18 years old now, and throughout his entire high school career, he constantly complained to his parents that they were "harassing" him just because they encouraged him to hit the books a little harder—he always insisted he already knew exactly what he was doing.
Now that he didn't get into his first-choice college and ended up settling for his third option, he actually blames his parents, claiming it’s their fault for not FORCING him to study more aggressively.
There are endless examples just like this one, and honestly, I don't think there is a perfect answer for how to avoid upsetting a child, because no matter what you do, they will always find some reason to point the finger at you.

Look, let me tell you... I have an absolutely incredible mother and I don't hold a single thing against her because, honestly, I don't have a choice. We have this amazing relationship today; I look up to her so much, both as a person and as a mom, and I sincerely hope I can be at least half the mother she is. To be fair, my dad isn't getting those same compliments, but hey, I guess that’s just life's way of keeping things balanced..

First off, just the fact that you're even questioning this proves you're going to be a good parent. Bad parents just do whatever they want without a second thought. I'm not saying all parents who don't reflect are bad—some just instinctively have the right attitude—but in my book, it is incredibly vital for a parent to be self-aware and actually understand their role in a child's life..

Now, moving on... yeah, you owe them. You aren't some animal. An animal breeds its young, feeds them, gives them the basics, and then just dumps them out into the world to fend for themselves. A mother's duty is to give her child everything they need to be happy in life. And I am NOT talking about ANYTHING material here. I mean exclusively the knowledge and guidance required so they can eventually secure what they need on their own.

To pull that off, you first and foremost have to be satisfied with yourself as an individual. There is zero happiness to be found when someone completely loses themselves by obsessively devoting everything to someone else. Good organization is also the golden rule. You work, you come home, you give the kid the attention they're craving, you tuck them in, and then—this is key—you dedicate time to your own interests. As a kid grows up, you get more time to yourself. Right now, you're obligated to give more because the kid is little, so you have less time. But once you've done your job—once you've raised a high-quality human being—then you're a free person. On the flip side, if you're failing at it now, you won't have any peace later either, because you won't be able to trust your kid. I remember when I started going out, I saw mothers literally pulling their hair out from stress. My mom, on the other hand, slept like a baby; she went out, socialized, and took care of herself..

As for actual good parenting—it comes down to conversation and setting an example. Every stressful situation and every dilemma is solvable if you actually know how to talk. That means taking your child seriously and actually listening to them. Kids aren't idiots. I can't even put into words how privileged I felt knowing that my opinions, desires, and decisions actually mattered. That people asked me what I thought. Even if I messed up, even if I was just acting like a brat, it led to a discussion. Not that exhausting, soul-crushing kind of lecture that's worse than a physical fight, but a real conversation where I was asked to explain my reasoning, after which Mom would explain hers. I was heard, I was understood, and I was given the right to make choices... everything from stupid stuff like whether I wanted to go to Sunday school to my first outings. It made me feel responsible, and my biggest fear was actually blowing that trust. Especially since I had the example of a woman who was so strong, always there for me, a constant pillar of support, watching her avoid life's pitfalls, seeing how honest and good of a person she was, and how she fought for herself. I wanted to be just like that.

The most important thing in all of this is that, regardless of our tough financial situation or my mom's occasional outbursts, I knew—even as a tiny kid—that my mom loved me, trusted me, and respected me as a person. She treated me like a human being, not some mindless brat, and she made sure I knew my actions had consequences. I never had issues with her..

You're a mother, and it goes without saying that you'll be "weaker" toward your child. Yeah, you'll give everything you have... that's just what moms do. But that's the beauty of it. A mother is always there for her child. The difference is that some mothers stay by their child's side by forcing their own will upon them, while others listen and weigh things out. That's why I say this approach is good. The idea is that you can give them everything, as long as the child understands that they won't get all of that from just anyone in life—only from their mother.. (L)

I truly believe it is quite a rarity for a parent to consciously decide to screw over their child; generally, they act based on what they feel is necessary. They believe they are doing the right thing. As for the fact that years later it turns out they completely botched everything, well, that’s a different story altogether...
In my own upbringing, there were endless gaps and oversights that my parents simply failed to notice. But I don't hold them against me; they did the best they could, or rather, the best they knew how to do...
If I had to pinpoint the main issue, it would be that they didn't push me, or rather, they didn't know how to draw the absolute maximum out of me...
I was just different from the other kids; the things that worked for everyone else just didn't click for me...
Back in first grade, I was miles ahead of my peers, so my teacher—who was more like a friend at the time—suggested to my parents that we set up a special curriculum for me, so that instead of going into second grade the following year, I would jump straight into third... When I heard that, even though I never actually had trouble reading, I suddenly started stuttering over my words...🙄
So, skipping to third grade never actually happened...
Then in fifth grade, since math came naturally to me, I was supposed to represent my class in a regional math competition. Once word reached my ears, I managed to score two failing grades in math within a single week...🤣
And I did all of that on purpose...I loathed it when anyone expected anything from me; I hated being singled out for any reason at all. And my folks just had no clue what to do with me...
Quite by accident (when it was already far too late), during the first semester of my junior year of high school, my old man went to see the administration. I had enough unexcused absences to get kicked out six times, not to mention eight failing grades...😲
My dad absolutely laid into me. He waited for me at home, sat me down, and began that same serious lecture that repeated year after year... how I am above average... how brilliant I am... blah, blah, blah... how what most people have to read five times, I can grasp in just one glance...
But this time, he made one exception; he said all that usual stuff, but then he brought up how I got hit by a car when I was eleven. "Now, if my dear child had their head slightly scrambled because of that accident, I can understand that. It's not your fault. But then we might need to enroll you in a special education program... something more suited to your level..."
"Are you saying I'm stupid?!"
"Oh, noooo, not stupid at all, you just can't grasp this material..."🙄"But I'll talk to your counselor about transferring you to a special ed school🙄, where you can learn some simpler things, like maybe basic chemistry or something practical..."🙂
Basically, he showed an incredible amount of understanding, mostly because his only child is a complete moron in his eyes...
I couldn't believe what he was telling me; I thought he was joking, but he was deadly serious. And right then, that stubborn streak in me—the one that had been driving me my whole life, just in the opposite direction—finally kicked in. I didn't just fix those eight failing grades; I pulled my GPA up to an honors level, surpassed him, handed him my report card, and said, "Here, look what your idiot daughter achieved."
He just looked at me with total indifference and said, "And what do you think? Do you think I don't know that? If I had told you how smart you were, you would have spent the whole year repeating everything back to me just to spite me..."

And I don't blame them for it, because honestly, who in their right mind thinks threatening a kid with special education is a good move?!🙏
I blame myself the most. Even today, when I'm working this crappy job and I'm stuck on the early shift feeling nauseous, I say to myself, "Well, whose fault is it now?"
When my old man kept badgering me to go to college...😂oh please, as if. I could barely wait to finish high school, let alone deal with the headache of university... after all, who can guarantee you'll actually find a decent job through it... which college would actually... make money move where it needs to go... I always had an answer for everything...😵
If he had just told me straight up that his main priority was finding me a good husband to "take care" of me—that women weren't meant for higher education, and that this whole academic path wasn't for someone like me... well, damn him if I hadn't earned my Master's degree today 🤣
. That’s just how things had to go with me back then. But he never actually said those things, and honestly, I can't even blame him; I was old enough to use my own head and take full responsibility for the choices I made. Some of those consequences still sting a little bit even now...
The only thing I'm really focused on these days is making sure I don't make those same mistakes all over again.

Jerry Martinez5 said:

What a disaster. Total mess. I guess we’re just dealing with pure chaos now. Maybe that's just how it goes. Typical. kaže:
Cool. 😁
I guess I'll just go ahead and start posting like that right now! 👍
So, where am I even supposed to start? 🤔

Dammit. 🤷

What exactly am I looking for? I guess that’s the question.
What am I actually into? I guess that’s the question.
If the world actually operated the way I wanted it to, I’d behave differently... maybe.

I guess I’ll just leave it at that. 🙂

and then what once I answer those—just pretend it's actually happening? 🙂

They say it takes an entire village to raise a child.

But I guess if the parents—or even just the folks in that little community—are more miserable than they are happy, things can get a bit messy. They might try to force this kind of socialization on their kid that they never actually experienced themselves. In those cases, you see all these religions, consumerism, and other superficial human aesthetics fighting to claim the child's soul and consciousness.

A huge part of this is honestly just down to luck, so maybe it’s better not to overthink it too much and just aim for some peace. If we can provide that sense of calm, a bit of laid-back energy, being willing to listen, and just being a steady support when things go sideways, that's what matters. Criticism feels pretty pointless when kids learn through imitation and proximity. If they grow up watching nothing but misery, they’ll end up mimicking whatever sources look happy on the surface. And that’s where the danger lies, because consumerism mostly deals in the illusion of happiness and success rather than actual, genuine satisfaction—the kind that comes from having solid, real connections with people...

wanderingcobra23 said:My biggest regret? They waited an extra year to get me enrolled in school when they should've done it sooner... 😛 Also, they didn't pull the trigger on transferring me once things started getting ugly with the kids at my school... 😛 I am never letting that happen to my own kid! 😛

This is just ridiculous.👎

Man, they waited until I was already enrolled to get me into school, and honestly, it’s just messed things up for me. If they had actually stepped up and done this sooner, I would have held them accountable for all of this. It feels so incredibly shortsighted.

Why am I blaming my parents?

My mother... hmm. She’s a good woman, truly, she just tends to be a bit too passive. It isn't that she lacks intelligence; she's just always been the type to hold herself back. She never really knew how to stand her ground or fight for what she wanted, and because of that, she raised me with that same hesitant mindset. Lately, though, I've been sitting down with her and helping her see things differently. We've been talking through a lot of stuff, and finally, it feels like she's starting to find her footing. It's nice to see her standing up for herself so she doesn't have to spend the rest of her life just catering to everyone else.

My father—he’s passed away now—and you know how people always say "rest in peace" or try to find the right thing to say... but honestly, I just can't bring myself to do it.

To be honest, I think he was a genuinely good person at heart, but he just wasn't quite right in the head. It felt like he was dealing with some heavy neuroticism, and if I’m being real, there seemed to be a touch of schizophrenia in there too...

I honestly can't recall much about him. Most of my memories are just one long blur of being yelled at—constant, nonstop shouting. That was really all there was to it.👎👎👎:

What hurts the most is seeing that contrast—how he could be such a cheerful, lighthearted guy when he was out in the world, only to turn into someone so volatile and prone to outbursts once he was back home.
His nephews were there too—my little brothers from hell. They spent the whole time picking on me, whether it was physical stuff or just constant psychological bullying. My mom would try to step in and do something about it, but he wouldn't let her. To him, that toxic group was his family, and he wasn't going to let anyone interfere with them.☕

It’s a heavy realization to sit with. When we found him after the accident, there was a photo tucked away in his car—it wasn't a picture of me or my sister. It was a photo of his niece instead. It really hits you hard when you realize where someone's heart was truly resting in those final moments.

To make matters worse, his nephew’s brother actually laid hands on my mother and then turned his aggression toward me. After everything that went down, he had the nerve to tell me that if I weren't so foolish, I'd realize just how lucky I am that he's still breathing.☕

Listen, man, you won't believe the drama going on over in our neck of the woods. We’ve somehow managed to get Hercules completely worked up. Apparently, we didn't hand over the deed to his house so he could flip it to fund his drug habit, and now he’s losing his mind. He’s actually using you as an excuse for his behavior—he even threatened to stab your son. Seriously, man... what a mess.

wirednomad42 said:and then what once I answer those—just pretend it's actually happening? 🙂

Well, once you answer them, you finally figure out how you actually want to live—what you consider worth living for. So, just act accordingly.

If we’re always blaming everyone else for why we didn't do this or that, we're just going to stay miserable and frustrated. And then we pass all that baggage onto our kids, which is obviously a disaster.

Nobody seems to talk about the generational gap, but it’s a massive factor. Our parents weren't born that long ago, yet they were raised in a completely different era. It's hard for them to truly grasp the world we live in today because the technological and social shifts have been nothing short of staggering. I remember my own dad used to wait by the mailbox for the morning paper, whereas most of us have the entire world at our fingertips via the internet. A lot of parents don't even fully wrap their heads around what the internet actually is, let alone how to guide their kids through the digital landscape............

It’s a pretty simple example, but it really illustrates the point quite clearly............

Honestly, I feel like every single parent should have to pass a basic course on human psychology and child development before they even think about having kids.
The secret sauce? It’s pretty simple: just pour out tons of love, show some empathy, and—most importantly—actually be PRESENT.
Let’s be real, life happens. Between personal struggles and just going through different phases, it’s totally possible to slip up or fail at being the "perfect" parent. It sucks because every stage of growing up matters so much, but the goal is to avoid making those massive, life-altering mistakes during the big developmental milestones.
Kids are like little sponges; they pick up on their parents' anxiety, stress, and unhappiness instantly. That’s why you can never stop working on yourself. A better version of you means a better parent for them.
That’s actually what I always tell my mom: "If you truly care about me, then make sure you take care of your own happiness first."
When a parent is happy and full of love, it's hard to mess things up badly, though let's face it, we're all human and we're all gonna trip up sometimes...
Growing up, finding independence, and just tackling life head-on is brutal for everyone. Both kids and parents are constantly navigating this messy psychological journey together.

Andrew Cox7 said:Honestly, I feel like every single parent should have to pass a basic course on human psychology and child development before they even think about having kids.
The secret sauce? It’s pretty simple: just pour out tons of love, show some empathy, and—most importantly—actually be PRESENT.
Let’s be real, life happens. Between personal struggles and just going through different phases, it’s totally possible to slip up or fail at being the "perfect" parent. It sucks because every stage of growing up matters so much, but the goal is to avoid making those massive, life-altering mistakes during the big developmental milestones.
Kids are like little sponges; they pick up on their parents' anxiety, stress, and unhappiness instantly. That’s why you can never stop working on yourself. A better version of you means a better parent for them.
That’s actually what I always tell my mom: "If you truly care about me, then make sure you take care of your own happiness first."
When a parent is happy and full of love, it's hard to mess things up badly, though let's face it, we're all human and we're all gonna trip up sometimes...
Growing up, finding independence, and just tackling life head-on is brutal for everyone. Both kids and parents are constantly navigating this messy psychological journey together.

Exactly.
People really need to get over this idea that they have some divine right to reproduce. Treating human lives like little social experiments is messed up. If people actually saw the percentage of anxious, depressed, or otherwise broken individuals out there—people who unconsciously pass all that baggage down to their kids—the numbers would be terrifying.