How not to screw up your kids: Parenting tips & tricks

Sarah Long65 said:Nobody seems to talk about the generational gap, but it’s a massive factor. Our parents weren't born that long ago, yet they were raised in a completely different era. It's hard for them to truly grasp the world we live in today because the technological and social shifts have been nothing short of staggering. I remember my own dad used to wait by the mailbox for the morning paper, whereas most of us have the entire world at our fingertips via the internet. A lot of parents don't even fully wrap their heads around what the internet actually is, let alone how to guide their kids through the digital landscape............

It’s a pretty simple example, but it really illustrates the point quite clearly............

Look, parents with kids under 18 aren't so ancient that they can't pick up the basics of the web to help steer their kids in the right direction..
And honestly? Parents of "adult children"😁 who are already 18+ shouldn't really need to be explaining the internet to them anyway... assuming that person has already figured out who they are and how the world works...
The generational gap isn't some new thing, either. It’s always existed between our moms and grandmas, and the circumstances just keep shifting... it's definitely not just a modern phenomenon...

Edward Murphy4 said:Exactly.
People really need to get over this idea that they have some divine right to reproduce. Treating human lives like little social experiments is messed up. If people actually saw the percentage of anxious, depressed, or otherwise broken individuals out there—people who unconsciously pass all that baggage down to their kids—the numbers would be terrifying.

I'm with you on this one.
We need to make it crystal clear that being a parent is a massive, lifelong commitment. It’s way more than just bringing a new life into the world.

Andrew Cox7 said:I'm with you on this one.
We need to make it crystal clear that being a parent is a massive, lifelong commitment. It’s way more than just bringing a new life into the world.

That’s exactly my point—that's why I'm constantly spiraling about whether I'll actually pull this off.

I'm looking at her right now. Just sleeping. She's the most beautiful thing ever—honestly, nothing in the entire universe compares to my daughter.
How am I supposed to ignore that weight of responsibility? How can I *not* want to build her some kind of damn empire just so she has something to play with? 😁

Side note—what am I doing to her little psyche by telling her she's gorgeous about 800 times a day? 😍

wirednomad42 said:I mean—am I obligated to give everything I have just so she can have it all—her own room, an education if she wants it, food on the table as long as she's killing it in school, healthy meals every single day...
Am I obligated to be "on" for her 24/7, or can I actually take a breather and read a book when I feel like it—even if she’s currently demanding I play with her? 😁
Here’s the reality: she’s two. She’s at daycare all day while I’m working. It's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing or coasting through some easy government job—I'm out there grinding. 😁
We get maybe two hours together a day, tops. In those two hours, she expects me to play, bathe her, dress her, make dinner... and she's exhausted. So am I. But then she starts screaming because things aren't going her way, and honestly, that drains me even more. I find myself counting down the minutes until she finally goes to sleep just so I can have some peace.
So I'm wondering—is it okay to live like this? It's not her fault I'm pulling ten-hour shifts and feeling wiped out. Part of me thinks I should've managed my time and money better so I could work less and actually have some patience left over for her. 😢
But how? If I quit my job to stay home, sure, I might be in a better mood, but then what? How do we pay the bills? 😁
I just feel guilty—like I failed at organizing my life properly. 🤷

Basically—am I allowed to have a life that doesn't revolve entirely around her? Am I allowed to demand some "me time" and occasionally act a little irresponsible or immature? 😁

Mostly fine, yeah. But can you do it without making mistakes? Why not?

Personally, I think working 8 hours a day is plenty. Anything beyond that is overkill (unless there's an emergency, but even then, those shouldn't be happening every single day). Between all your responsibilities and everything you need to get done after an 8-hour workday, you barely have any actual free time left—even without kids in the mix. And trying to steal time from your sleep isn't the answer either. You're definitely lacking quality time with your kid... if you're actually putting in 10-hour days based on how you described it, it means you'd basically have double the time to spend with her if you just stuck to "only" 8 hours. You'd feel like a whole new person. Your spirit feels restless because even your "free time" is super chaotic. Based on how you're describing your life, the takeaway should be: don't overwork yourself, especially when you have kids, otherwise you might just burn everything down.😉

Sarah Long65 said:This is just ridiculous.👎

Man, they waited until I was already enrolled to get me into school, and honestly, it’s just messed things up for me. If they had actually stepped up and done this sooner, I would have held them accountable for all of this. It feels so incredibly shortsighted.

Why am I blaming my parents?

My mother... hmm. She’s a good woman, truly, she just tends to be a bit too passive. It isn't that she lacks intelligence; she's just always been the type to hold herself back. She never really knew how to stand her ground or fight for what she wanted, and because of that, she raised me with that same hesitant mindset. Lately, though, I've been sitting down with her and helping her see things differently. We've been talking through a lot of stuff, and finally, it feels like she's starting to find her footing. It's nice to see her standing up for herself so she doesn't have to spend the rest of her life just catering to everyone else.

My father—he’s passed away now—and you know how people always say "rest in peace" or try to find the right thing to say... but honestly, I just can't bring myself to do it.

To be honest, I think he was a genuinely good person at heart, but he just wasn't quite right in the head. It felt like he was dealing with some heavy neuroticism, and if I’m being real, there seemed to be a touch of schizophrenia in there too...

I honestly can't recall much about him. Most of my memories are just one long blur of being yelled at—constant, nonstop shouting. That was really all there was to it.👎👎👎:

What hurts the most is seeing that contrast—how he could be such a cheerful, lighthearted guy when he was out in the world, only to turn into someone so volatile and prone to outbursts once he was back home.
His nephews were there too—my little brothers from hell. They spent the whole time picking on me, whether it was physical stuff or just constant psychological bullying. My mom would try to step in and do something about it, but he wouldn't let her. To him, that toxic group was his family, and he wasn't going to let anyone interfere with them.☕

It’s a heavy realization to sit with. When we found him after the accident, there was a photo tucked away in his car—it wasn't a picture of me or my sister. It was a photo of his niece instead. It really hits you hard when you realize where someone's heart was truly resting in those final moments.

To make matters worse, his nephew’s brother actually laid hands on my mother and then turned his aggression toward me. After everything that went down, he had the nerve to tell me that if I weren't so foolish, I'd realize just how lucky I am that he's still breathing.☕

Listen, man, you won't believe the drama going on over in our neck of the woods. We’ve somehow managed to get Hercules completely worked up. Apparently, we didn't hand over the deed to his house so he could flip it to fund his drug habit, and now he’s losing his mind. He’s actually using you as an excuse for his behavior—he even threatened to stab your son. Seriously, man... what a mess.

I never said they ruined my life, I just said I hold it against them...

They asked for my opinion and then completely ignored it. Look, sorry, but it's my right to be annoyed about whatever I want—even if it's just a tiny thing—and you don't get to sit there telling me what's "stupid" and what isn't...
If you went through all that hell, I feel for you, but there are people out there who have dealt with stuff a hundred times worse than this. What should they say? That your situation is "stupid" because they had it harder?
Honestly, I'm lucky enough that this is the only thing I even have to complain about regarding my own people.....

wirednomad42 said:That’s exactly my point—that's why I'm constantly spiraling about whether I'll actually pull this off.

I'm looking at her right now. Just sleeping. She's the most beautiful thing ever—honestly, nothing in the entire universe compares to my daughter.
How am I supposed to ignore that weight of responsibility? How can I *not* want to build her some kind of damn empire just so she has something to play with? 😁

Side note—what am I doing to her little psyche by telling her she's gorgeous about 800 times a day? 😍

But hey, you’re a mother, so it’s completely normal to be spiraling like this... 🙂 That's basically what mothers are for...
On the flip side, you're also a rational human being who knows deep down that money doesn't buy happiness. Any kid would choose to sit on the floor playing with paper napkins with their mom over being left alone in some massive palace. You won't go out and buy every single toy she points at because you know you have to teach her how to be humble and grounded. But then again, you'll probably end up buying almost everything else just because you're a mom...

I always used to tell my girl that life was going to slap me around enough on its own, so she didn't need any extra help from me... 🙂 And lo and behold, I ended up getting pretty much everything I ever wanted, which is why now I'm stuck being responsible and frugal and fully aware that I can't just have whatever I feel like grabbing. Life has a way of handing out punishments and rewards that eventually teach you all that stuff...

And as for the whole "you're beautiful" thing... you aren't actually hurting her. If anything, you're building someone with actual self-confidence. And if you ever notice her getting an ego, then you just give her a reality check and let her know there are people out there more attractive than her—even if, in your eyes, there aren't. 🙂

Andrew Cox7:

wirednomad42 As I have previously noted: It seems I was never once told that anyone actually possesses good parents—people who don't make a single mistake or cause any trouble at all. 🤷

I have it.🎉

northerneagle3 said:But hey, you’re a mother, so it’s completely normal to be spiraling like this... 🙂 That's basically what mothers are for...
On the flip side, you're also a rational human being who knows deep down that money doesn't buy happiness. Any kid would choose to sit on the floor playing with paper napkins with their mom over being left alone in some massive palace. You won't go out and buy every single toy she points at because you know you have to teach her how to be humble and grounded. But then again, you'll probably end up buying almost everything else just because you're a mom...

I always used to tell my girl that life was going to slap me around enough on its own, so she didn't need any extra help from me... 🙂 And lo and behold, I ended up getting pretty much everything I ever wanted, which is why now I'm stuck being responsible and frugal and fully aware that I can't just have whatever I feel like grabbing. Life has a way of handing out punishments and rewards that eventually teach you all that stuff...

And as for the whole "you're beautiful" thing... you aren't actually hurting her. If anything, you're building someone with actual self-confidence. And if you ever notice her getting an ego, then you just give her a reality check and let her know there are people out there more attractive than her—even if, in your eyes, there aren't. 🙂

This reminds me of an old friend of mine.🙄 Her parents basically worshipped the ground she walked on, and she turned into a total narcissist (with zero substance to back it up). She had such issues with everyone and everything around her that I was the only one who could stand her. Until one day, I couldn't.☕
And now she's miserable, mostly because nobody gets it. Nobody sees how "brilliant" and "stunning" she is.🙄
So yeah... don't go overboard with the (unearned) praise.

Edward Murphy4 said:This reminds me of an old friend of mine.🙄 Her parents basically worshipped the ground she walked on, and she turned into a total narcissist (with zero substance to back it up). She had such issues with everyone and everything around her that I was the only one who could stand her. Until one day, I couldn't.☕
And now she's miserable, mostly because nobody gets it. Nobody sees how "brilliant" and "stunning" she is.🙄
So yeah... don't go overboard with the (unearned) praise.

Children require both praise and criticism. In truth, they need dialogue. They are intelligent creatures, those little humans.

Your friend is simply one of many who believe the world owes them everything merely by virtue of their existence. That is almost certainly the result of faulty parenting. It isn't really about the praise itself; it’s about teaching children that rights come with responsibilities, and that things are achieved through effort and hard work rather than just being born special. This "I will give you everything while you owe nothing" style of upbringing is a perfect recipe for creating unhappy people—people who are miserable without any particularly valid reason to be. It's quite sad.

wirednomad42 said:That’s exactly my point—that's why I'm constantly spiraling about whether I'll actually pull this off.

I'm looking at her right now. Just sleeping. She's the most beautiful thing ever—honestly, nothing in the entire universe compares to my daughter.
How am I supposed to ignore that weight of responsibility? How can I *not* want to build her some kind of damn empire just so she has something to play with? 😁

Side note—what am I doing to her little psyche by telling her she's gorgeous about 800 times a day? 😍

Look, every mother thinks her kid is the most beautiful thing in existence, provided they’re sane and actually wanted the kid in the first place.
My first son—and honestly, even today I can’t find the right words to describe how stunning he was—was just breathtaking. And yeah, I used to tell him the exact same things you’re telling your girl, maybe just slightly less than 800 times a day. Now he’s grown up, tall, blonde, and handsome as hell, but... he hates his looks. He is genuinely convinced he’s ugly!?!
I messed up, totally unconsciously, and I still haven't figured out how to forgive myself for it.

Then there's my second son, who was just as beautiful as his brother, but he’s the complete opposite. Even now, when I tell him how good-looking he is—he’s tall, got wavy dark hair, those big deep blue eyes—he just goes, "Yeah, I know!"

What I'm trying to get at is that you really need to be objective and pay close attention to how your kid actually reacts to what you say, because all that intense love and constant praise doesn't always land the way you think it will. Sometimes, it just turns into pure narcissism and other nasty personality traits.

I was out pushing him in the stroller the other day.
He looked so sharp and clean. Honestly, every second lady on the sidewalk stopped to hover by the stroller just to tell me how gorgeous he was.

At one point, he caught me eating a Hershey bar and started begging for some.
My first thought was, "Okay, I'll give him tiny little bites so he doesn't choke."
Yeah, right.
That wasn't happening. He wanted the whole damn bar.

So, I gave him the whole thing.

Five minutes later, everything was a total disaster thanks to that chocolate.
Him, the stroller, the whole nine yards. Absolute mess.

I panicked for a split second and thought:
"Oh god, what are people going to think if they see him now?"

Then I paused for a second—maybe two—and thought:
"Wait. Who gives a damn what anyone thinks? The kid enjoyed his chocolate, so everyone can just shove it."

What I'm getting at is that some parents are way too obsessed with stupid social norms and all the nonsense people drill into their heads. They end up stressing their kids out, and it’s pathetic.

The easiest way to wreck a kid is to nag them incessantly about every little thing.
Whether it's stuff like:
"You aren't behaving properly."
Or:
"You're so perfect, you're so beautiful, you're the best."
Or even:
"Give me a kiss, give me a kiss, give me a kiss!"

Forcing anything is pointless.

I don't get some of these women.
Why all the stress over the most trivial things?

For heaven's sake, just let the kid be a kid. What else does he need?
Is that really too much to ask?

But no. Now the "don't overwhelm the child" philosophers will probably come for me.
It reminds me of those moms who spend hours reading books like "How to Be the Perfect Parent" while their kids just sit in the corner playing by themselves.

Kimberly Murphy84 said:I couldn't agree more.

If I may add a small caveat—parents truly do believe they are acting in their child's best interest; that isn't the issue. The friction arises because the child is a distinct, separate individual—which means what a parent perceives as "best" doesn't always align with what the child actually needs.

Listen to your child—even in the things they aren't saying.

unless they subscribe to the theory
that they don't have to listen to anyone because they're the ones footing the bill—or that as long as you're living under their roof, they hold all the cards.🤣

electricdriver93 said:Those are his parents—the father is essentially that guy from Dead Poets Society.
Those are merely outliers. I haven't heard a single person from my circle mention anything of the sort.

Now, just picture a kid who is constantly looking for the easiest path through life.
Imagine they’re eyeing a grueling major—something like pre-med at Johns Hopkins—but you spend their entire childhood telling them it’s just not their calling. 😁
You essentially drill it into them every single day that nothing is quite right for them. 😁
You end up motivating them with this toxic "if you can't do it, don't bother" attitude—basically implying everyone else is naturally superior to them. 😁

🙏

Bradley Gonzalez4 said:Now, just picture a kid who is constantly looking for the easiest path through life.
Imagine they’re eyeing a grueling major—something like pre-med at Johns Hopkins—but you spend their entire childhood telling them it’s just not their calling. 😁
You essentially drill it into them every single day that nothing is quite right for them. 😁
You end up motivating them with this toxic "if you can't do it, don't bother" attitude—basically implying everyone else is naturally superior to them. 😁

🙏

It is truly pathetic. 😢

My parents always told me that if I actually put in the effort, there wasn't anything I couldn't achieve.
God, as I get older, I find myself realizing just how much more I appreciate my parents.
It isn't that they have changed; it is simply that I have.

Kevin Bailey2 said:I was out pushing him in the stroller the other day.
He looked so sharp and clean. Honestly, every second lady on the sidewalk stopped to hover by the stroller just to tell me how gorgeous he was.

At one point, he caught me eating a Hershey bar and started begging for some.
My first thought was, "Okay, I'll give him tiny little bites so he doesn't choke."
Yeah, right.
That wasn't happening. He wanted the whole damn bar.

So, I gave him the whole thing.

Five minutes later, everything was a total disaster thanks to that chocolate.
Him, the stroller, the whole nine yards. Absolute mess.

I panicked for a split second and thought:
"Oh god, what are people going to think if they see him now?"

Then I paused for a second—maybe two—and thought:
"Wait. Who gives a damn what anyone thinks? The kid enjoyed his chocolate, so everyone can just shove it."

What I'm getting at is that some parents are way too obsessed with stupid social norms and all the nonsense people drill into their heads. They end up stressing their kids out, and it’s pathetic.

The easiest way to wreck a kid is to nag them incessantly about every little thing.
Whether it's stuff like:
"You aren't behaving properly."
Or:
"You're so perfect, you're so beautiful, you're the best."
Or even:
"Give me a kiss, give me a kiss, give me a kiss!"

Forcing anything is pointless.

I don't get some of these women.
Why all the stress over the most trivial things?

For heaven's sake, just let the kid be a kid. What else does he need?
Is that really too much to ask?

But no. Now the "don't overwhelm the child" philosophers will probably come for me.
It reminds me of those moms who spend hours reading books like "How to Be the Perfect Parent" while their kids just sit in the corner playing by themselves.

honestly, seeing a kid covered in chocolate is one of my favorite sights on earth 😍
right up there with a toddler actually taking a nap 😍

wirednomad42 said:honestly, seeing a kid covered in chocolate is one of my favorite sights on earth 😍
right up there with a toddler actually taking a nap 😍

Same here.

There's always some guy on the road who’s gotta chime in with:
Hey. Is your kid high?
Give me a break, man. Seriously. Thanks a lot for making me blind just so I wouldn't have to look at that crap.

Let’s broaden the scope here and try to paint a bit of a black-and-white picture:

Is it actually normal to raise a boy who knows his way around a kitchen, keeps his room clean, handles the laundry, plays the violin, or even digs ballet and stuff like that?
On the flip side... are you going to raise him to be some kind of punk rocker... or is he just going to become one because of how you handled things?
Where do you draw that line between being a true patriot and being an extremist... how are you going to shape his politics and who he ends up voting for...
Are you going to force him to hit church every single Sunday like a model Catholic... (or whatever faith fits the setting/time)

I'm pretty damn sure you all want your kids to be everything you weren't... and everything you know you'll never be...
So you're curious to see how that actually plays out...

If you're a "plumber"... yeah, you'll probably definitely want your kid to follow in those footsteps too...

And you're gonna ride them about their math homework just like your parents rode you... yeah, obviously, you absolutely loved every second of it...

-------------------------

Now, for the daughters:

How long are you going to try to ground her and stop her from going out?
Are you planning on keeping her on a tight leash until she's 30...
What happens if someone hooks up with her before then... man, imagine that... especially if she was the girl who went to church every Sunday...

Are you going to give her the side-eye when she brings home some 30-year-old guy (the exact type of "model Catholic" described above, who just happens to be a total jerk) while she's only 18?

Which, honestly, is totally normal... it would probably be best if you guys just laid out your "wish lists"...... and then we can actually talk about them...

Actually, I'd suggest starting a whole new thread specifically about parenting—something like "Describe your ideal child"

Because there's a huge chance this conversation is just going to get watered down and turn into a massive flame war where everyone starts attacking the views of these "future parents"

x

Weed — we actually have a whole thread about growing this stuff over on Reddit.
But yeah, you're probably right—maybe I should start obsessing over the technical specs of every single little step if I really want to be the perfect "plant mom" or whatever. 😍

Take this for example: this — how does the daughter of a "victim" (someone who actually knows what happened to her mom and refuses to play along, even if those old habits still bubble up no matter how hard she tries) avoid playing the victim herself and stop passing that cycle down to her own kid?
Sometimes I feel like it would be way easier to just give in and do exactly what my mother did—just lean into the whole victim act—so at least I wouldn't have to fight this constant internal battle on top of everything else life throws at me 🤣

edit: what the hell happened to this post above 😕

It’s been quite a while since I last sat down with 'celestial prophecy,' but I vividly remember one specific section touching on this exact subject—the idea of those deeply ingrained behavioral patterns we all pick up during our childhood years.
If my memory serves me right, they categorized them into roles like the intimidator, the victim, the interrogator... and I believe there was also the distant type, or something along those lines. It was ages ago, so the details are a bit fuzzy now... But the core concept was how these cycles perpetuate themselves; for instance, an intimidator eventually produces either a new intimidator or a victim, while a victim might evolve into someone emotionally unavailable or even an intimidator themselves... it just keeps spinning in circles unless we find a way to break the chain. You should try to track down that book; it might offer you some much-needed clarity...