How not to screw up your kids: Parenting tips & tricks

ugh, please—don't make me sit through that whole celestial prophecy thing 🙂 😁

🤣
Well, if you don't, then don't.🤷
But I am certain that the exact thing you were asking about was mentioned in that specific book... At least, back then, that particular part made perfect sense to me...

I just want to be able to give my kid the absolute best when the time comes. 😁

Respect them for who they truly are. Only then will they learn to respect themselves. Don't confuse them by attaching strings to your affection. I suppose a child who is bribed or coerced isn't really being loved.
A child's love for their parents is limitless. But if they get nothing but conditional love in return, they stop loving themselves. Just like you.
They can be taught, though maybe only at their own pace. If you throw them off balance, expect what people call "unreasonable" behavior. You should communicate with a child based on needs first—what they need or have—and only then try to connect emotionally.

mistyseal11 said:Let’s broaden the scope here and try to paint a bit of a black-and-white picture:

Is it actually normal to raise a boy who knows his way around a kitchen, keeps his room clean, handles the laundry, plays the violin, or even digs ballet and stuff like that?
On the flip side... are you going to raise him to be some kind of punk rocker... or is he just going to become one because of how you handled things?
Where do you draw that line between being a true patriot and being an extremist... how are you going to shape his politics and who he ends up voting for...
Are you going to force him to hit church every single Sunday like a model Catholic... (or whatever faith fits the setting/time)

I'm pretty damn sure you all want your kids to be everything you weren't... and everything you know you'll never be...
So you're curious to see how that actually plays out...

If you're a "plumber"... yeah, you'll probably definitely want your kid to follow in those footsteps too...

And you're gonna ride them about their math homework just like your parents rode you... yeah, obviously, you absolutely loved every second of it...

-------------------------

Now, for the daughters:

How long are you going to try to ground her and stop her from going out?
Are you planning on keeping her on a tight leash until she's 30...
What happens if someone hooks up with her before then... man, imagine that... especially if she was the girl who went to church every Sunday...

Are you going to give her the side-eye when she brings home some 30-year-old guy (the exact type of "model Catholic" described above, who just happens to be a total jerk) while she's only 18?

Which, honestly, is totally normal... it would probably be best if you guys just laid out your "wish lists"...... and then we can actually talk about them...

Actually, I'd suggest starting a whole new thread specifically about parenting—something like "Describe your ideal child"

Because there's a huge chance this conversation is just going to get watered down and turn into a massive flame war where everyone starts attacking the views of these "future parents"

To me, it is perfectly normal to raise a child to be capable and independent—meaning they can take care of themselves, including cooking and cleaning, regardless of gender. 😁
The goal should be to raise a happy child... one who truly believes in themselves and their own abilities.
As for the rest—whether they become a punk, who they vote for, whether they attend church, or what they choose to study—that isn't the priority,
provided that you instilled the value of education in them during their childhood. 😁

Are you actually planning on raising him to be the kind of guy who just hands out his work to friends for free?
Or are you gonna play the whole "protecting my competitive edge" card? You're the one who literally said "education equals value," remember?

But seriously, nobody’s out here trying to raise a saint, right?

mistyseal11 said:Are you actually planning on raising him to be the kind of guy who just hands out his work to friends for free?
Or are you gonna play the whole "protecting my competitive edge" card? You're the one who literally said "education equals value," remember?

But seriously, nobody’s out here trying to raise a saint, right?

So, what exactly is your grievance with your own parents?

fadedbear92 said:So, what exactly is your grievance with your own parents?

It's just the fact that I'm Catholic and the fact that I live in this absolute joke of a country... which is so incredibly screwed right now that it’s honestly not even funny.

mistyseal11 said:It's just the fact that I'm Catholic and the fact that I live in this absolute joke of a country... which is so incredibly screwed right now that it’s honestly not even funny.

I feel you, but you don't actually think things are all honey and milk in other countries, do you?
That would be a pretty massive delusion, wouldn't it? 🤷

wearyviper25 said:I feel you, but you don't actually think things are all honey and milk in other countries, do you?
That would be a pretty massive delusion, wouldn't it? 🤷

Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Singapore, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain... 😛

Or you could look at alternatives to America where things definitely aren't "flowing with milk and honey"—I'm talking places like Barbados, the Bahamas, the Dominican Republic... just a whole bunch of other tropical islands, you know? Hmm, maybe even Hawaii.

mistyseal11 said:Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Singapore, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain... 😛

Or you could look at alternatives to America where things definitely aren't "flowing with milk and honey"—I'm talking places like Barbados, the Bahamas, the Dominican Republic... just a whole bunch of other tropical islands, you know? Hmm, maybe even Hawaii.

So, what are you waiting for? 😕

wirednomad42 said:So, what are you waiting for? 😕

Look, I don't have any cash because my parents aren't loaded, plus I'm still stuck in the middle of school... it's honestly a total disaster.

I really wish I could be one of those urban legends, you know, the kind of person who hits the road with just ten bucks in their pocket and ends up becoming a millionaire.

mistyseal11 said:Look, I don't have any cash because my parents aren't loaded, plus I'm still stuck in the middle of school... it's honestly a total disaster.

I really wish I could be one of those urban legends, you know, the kind of person who hits the road with just ten bucks in their pocket and ends up becoming a millionaire.

Well, you certainly have quite a lot...😉
So, what on earth are you waiting for...?

mistyseal11 said:Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Singapore, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain... 😛

Or you could look at alternatives to America where things definitely aren't "flowing with milk and honey"—I'm talking places like Barbados, the Bahamas, the Dominican Republic... just a whole bunch of other tropical islands, you know? Hmm, maybe even Hawaii.

But honestly, you’d never actually enjoy it there as much as you do here. 😘

mistyseal11 said:Look, I don't have any cash because my parents aren't loaded, plus I'm still stuck in the middle of school... it's honestly a total disaster.

I really wish I could be one of those urban legends, you know, the kind of person who hits the road with just ten bucks in their pocket and ends up becoming a millionaire.

So, what exactly did your parents spend their lives doing? Just sitting on the porch sipping coffee with the neighbors? 🙄
A complete disaster. Really.
And besides leaving you penniless, they didn't exactly teach you how to make millions, either.
So, what *did* they actually give you then? 🤷

Real parenting... look, in my book, it’s way more important to focus on building character—you know, shaping their actual psyche—than just obsessing over which Ivy League school they’ll graduate from.
And let’s be real, no massive psychology textbook or self-help manual is going to teach you how to mold a kid's mind; what you actually need is a guide on how to fix YOUR own mindset first.
Basically, the simplest version of parenting is just leading by example.
It’s like that old piece of advice: don't try to micromanage your kids—just let them be and work on yourself instead.
If you've got happy, fulfilled parents, you end up with happy, fulfilled people coming out of that little home factory, and eventually, that ripples out to the whole damn country.
Unhappy family = unhappy individual = unhappy society. Period.
I mean, what good are the fancy cars, the degrees, the latest iPhones, or those high-paying corporate gigs if none of it actually makes you happy? If our parents didn't give us a foundation through their own actions, all that stuff is hollow.
Sure, the kid of a high-powered attorney might find way more joy working in law because their dad provided a solid emotional baseline, whereas the kid of a surgeon might drop everything to write cheesy romance novels—feeling totally miserable inside even though they technically made a "free" choice.

mistyseal11 said:Are you actually planning on raising him to be the kind of guy who just hands out his work to friends for free?
Or are you gonna play the whole "protecting my competitive edge" card? You're the one who literally said "education equals value," remember?

But seriously, nobody’s out here trying to raise a saint, right?

In my experience, I was raised with the idea that I had to take better care of other people's belongings than my own, 😁
that others were inherently more capable than me, 😁
and that I needed to prioritize everyone else over myself. 😁(That’s where things started to go sideways—because, truthfully, nobody was looking out for me quite that much.)😁)

wirednomad42 said:So, what exactly did your parents spend their lives doing? Just sitting on the porch sipping coffee with the neighbors? 🙄
A complete disaster. Really.
And besides leaving you penniless, they didn't exactly teach you how to make millions, either.
So, what *did* they actually give you then? 🤷

Right, because clearly everyone in this country is just swimming in cash. 🙄

mistyseal11 said:It's just the fact that I'm Catholic and the fact that I live in this absolute joke of a country... which is so incredibly screwed right now that it’s honestly not even funny.

That is precisely 😬the point.

@wirednomad42,

I wanted to touch upon several different points here, rather than quoting everything directly, so I will simply offer my general reflections on the subject...

In my view, the single most important thing a parent can do is become truly aware of their own emotions regarding their child; compared to that, everything else is merely trivial.

In one of your posts, you mentioned... you don't know anyone who doesn't hold some grudge against their parents...and if I may say so, that suggests it is vital to you that your child holds no such resentment. In a way, it implies you are seeking their absolute respect, admiration, and total acceptance of you as a mother. Perhaps that stems from an underlying need for control.
You now have the opportunity to mold someone into a perfect being who will love you unconditionally—someone who sees nothing but good in you. I believe that is the deepest longing we all share.
And I suspect this is the exact crossroads where either normalcy or pathology is born. If you, as a mother, are conscious of this yearning to create a being that is "entirely yours"—absolutely devoted and attached—that awareness can serve as an inspiration for love and acceptance. However, if that longing is repressed, it can breed a series of pathological situations... for instance, stifling a child's development so they never stop needing you, ensuring they can never escape the reality where you remain their perfect deity.
Yet, in truth, that can never actually happen, because I don't know a single soul who doesn't idealize their parents, whether they do so consciously through adoration or through anger, which is really just a form of repressed adoration.
So, regardless of what you do, your child will adore you. Perhaps your only choice is whether you adore them simply because of their current and future adoration of you. 🙂

P.S. Regarding everything else, modern psychoanalysis generally holds that a child's psychological structure is built precisely because of those small, everyday mistakes parents make. If a parent never disappoints a child through any action whatsoever, that child will fail to develop the internal structures necessary for independent functioning. It seems nature itself expects parents to err, allowing the child—given enough love—to utilize those very mistakes to build their own psychological framework.