Dealing with low self-esteem

quietranger14 said:So, quick question... I can talk about the abuse now without breaking down—I mean, it still hits me occasionally, but it's rare. Is that just my brain using some defense mechanism like isolation of affect, or what?

I've got a few questions myself...

- How much do you actually let yourself vent negative emotions toward other people? (you know, when they're the ones causing the problem)
- How much of a negative attitude or a defensive guard do you allow yourself to have around others?
- How much do you let yourself maintain that guarded stance, even if someone really hurts you? (like, if someone starts verbally attacking you and you have to defend yourself)

Dear Ardita,
It doesn't strike me as an isolation of affect; your posts feel far too sincere and open to be anything else, lacking that cold, rigid quality one finds when someone has truly decided to lock their emotions away in a drawer. It seems to me that you might be among the rare few who have actually managed to acknowledge such trauma to oneself—to contemplate it, discuss it, and analyze it—thereby beginning the slow process of stepping out from its shadow (perhaps you haven't fully emerged yet, but you are certainly on the right path 🙂), and frankly, it is a good thing that you still allow yourself to weep occasionally.
In one of your posts, you wonder how it is possible for feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem to be so fragile; I find myself asking you, how fragile can they truly be? Yours have endured avalanches capable of leveling mountains, yet here you are, being reborn, ready to rebuild them from the ground up. There are countless people among us who have never faced anything quite so harrowing, and yet we struggle daily with our own sense of worth...
One must fight that battle every single day, starting with the realization that nothing external—neither what you achieve nor what is done to you—constitutes your true self. You are not defined by your successes or failures, by your grades, or by the opinions of others (even if you still react to them, you are already aware that those things are not the core essence of who you are), and over time, you will begin to feel more clearly that inner strength which serves as our only true measure of value.
I will quote something you wrote yourself in a previous post, something which suggests to me that you have already achieved something many people fail to reach in a lifetime, and why I am certain you will prevail in both your external and internal struggles—that you will, moreover, transform this tragedy into fertile soil for helping yourself and others (which you are already doing simply by maintaining this thread):

"And regarding the rubber band... I've reached a point where I don't want to erase it. I am not happy about those experiences, but I believe they will help me one day when I work with children. I have accepted it as part of myself; it built me, it made me strong, and now I can no longer be broken by every little breeze blowing from an unknown direction."

I am rooting for you! 👍 😘

Bradley Cruz53 said:It’s pretty damn unfair how we don't all start from the same baseline. Some people are basically running the same race as everyone else, but they’re carrying a backpack full of bricks on their backs. You can’t just drop the pack, but you *can* choose not to spend the whole time looking over your shoulder, crying about how heavy it is. If your load is three times heavier than theirs, you’re going to end up three times stronger. And honestly, who do you think is the real badass at the finish line? The guy who crossed first, or the one who came in second while lugging around 65 pounds of extra weight? The crowd wouldn't even blink at the winner. Sometimes life throws us these absolute curveballs just so we end up being much better versions of ourselves than if we’d been born with a silver spoon in our mouths. Stay positive. Keep the faith.

Copied this from somewhere. 😉 But honestly, having that silver spoon handed to you can end up being a knife to the throat in the end...

I've always had a massive amount of respect for people who can pull off stories like this. It takes serious guts to crawl out from the wreckage and actually win when your own family is the one dragging you through the mud. 🙂 👍

quietranger14 said:You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

There is absolutely no way you could ever become him.😘
From everything you've shared here, it's obvious to me that you're built from some incredibly tough stuff; despite everything that happened to you throughout your childhood, you've managed to rise above it all and emerge as someone high-quality, resilient, intelligent, and frankly, pretty incredible. People deal with much less traumatic stuff and it still leaves them completely broken.

But regardless of any of that, there's really no point in comparing yourself to anyone else. It's not like you even *can* compare yourself to anyone. You have your own life to lead, and I have zero doubt that you're going to make something huge out of it 😉 especially after surviving all of this, trust me, you're worth so much more than you think 😘

quietranger14 said:I actually agree—you can definitely have confidence without having any self-respect. I was thinking about it last night; I’m pretty sure I can pull off just about anything if I put in the work, but when I bomb a midterm or some other exam, I just tell myself I didn't try hard enough or the professor was a total jerk. 😬
On the flip side, I don't value anything I achieve—nothing I do feels like it actually matters, so maybe I get a quick hit of adrenaline and then it’s just back to baseline. As for my boyfriend, we've been together two years, and honestly, he must be blind or just completely delusional to stick around this long. I think I’d lose my mind if he were anything like me... but that’s just my take. He thinks I'm not even that bad. I’m a total hypocrite when it comes to myself versus everyone else—if I met someone who had survived what I went through, I’d respect them to high heaven. Just like I’d respect you, Chris Peterson53. But personally? I feel like I haven't done anything special, even though I really wish I could find a way to value it.

I also agree that everyone who deals with abuse is their own unique case. One thing might help one person, something else helps another; some people move on, while others—like a woman I met at the hospital—never stop dwelling on it after a breakdown.

And I’m with Chris Peterson53 on this: you can't truly understand it unless you've lived it. You might accept it, sure, but you'll never fully grasp it.

The truth is, I still don't get the exact moment I broke. I know it sounds stupid. My father raped me, but why does everyone treat it like such an unbearable tragedy? I can't wrap my head around how fragile the human mind actually is. We studied family dynamics in psychology class—it's all about balance. Too much affection and spoiling a kid is bad; not enough love is also bad. Maybe I'm just too green to get it yet... but I really want to.

I have to admit, betiboop's post actually comforted me a little. There was something in there that made me believe I might actually build up some self-respect, confidence, an ego—all the stuff I need to be a better person. Maybe I just tried to fix everything at once, since I managed to settle most of my guilt issues in just five sessions with my therapist.

I should tell you guys about my turning point. I was sitting with my therapist talking about depression, my reckless behavior, and all that fun stuff, and he told me I’d reached a crossroads. It was time to decide: do I go back to the old ways, or do I finally draw a line under everything I never want to repeat? He said I had to choose. So, there I am, sitting on a train heading to New York City, with three hours of solitude, and I suddenly start crying. I realized right then that I had to make that choice—that there would be no going back. If I didn't, every depressive episode would just be a cycle of self-pity. And I decided I wasn't going to give up anymore. It wasn't a massive, cinematic moment; it was more subtle, like deciding to quit smoking and just... not buying the packs anymore. From that moment on, life started looking like a much better place.

One more thing for Chris Peterson53: I know that struggle with anger management. A couple of years ago, I had those outbursts—not necessarily hitting people, but the kind of verbal aggression meant solely to hurt. It took a hell of a lot of effort to dial it down to something tolerable. Now, I'm mostly fighting the urge to control things. I constantly have to tell myself, "Don't micromanage your boyfriend... just stop."

Now that is what I call self-respect.😘

Chris Lopez59 said:Now that is what I call self-respect.😘

But honestly? That right there is the biggest danger of all...

quietranger14 said:So, quick question... I can talk about the abuse now without breaking down—I mean, it still hits me occasionally, but it's rare. Is that just my brain using some defense mechanism like isolation of affect, or what?

Honestly, I’d say you’ve just grown stronger and already cried out the bulk of those tears; you've basically watered over that part of your past. Being able to talk about it at all is a testament to your resilience and your courage to face things head-on. If you really feel the need to compare yourself to others, then compare yourself to all the people who simply can't and don't have the strength to speak up or confront their own history. That alone should be enough for your self-esteem.😘

No one can truly fill the voids left behind from our childhood... we just carry them until the end. Everyone has those holes, whether it was through abuse or some other kind of wound. Growing up, I lived under the conviction that love was nothing more than a fairy tale from some pathetic Hollywood movie—that tenderness was merely a prelude to brutality, and that you simply... shouldn't trust anyone. You survive all sorts of things, and for me, it wasn't until this middle stage of life that I found any solace in the idea that maybe I had to endure everything I did just so I could be a guardian angel for every child I encounter today, including my own, of course. My lack of self-worth was so profound that when I first became a mother, I actually wondered what I had done to deserve such cosmic trust, considering I felt like a total zero... I've worked through my traumas and identified all my defense mechanisms, yet even now, I find myself weeping like a small child when the thought hits me: "God, what does it actually feel like to grow up without fear?"
quietranger14, I truly admire your courage and the way you navigate discussing everything you've endured. Women who go through what you have often turn their lives into an even deeper hell by staying silent. I hope your words reach those who are still keeping quiet; I hope that by sharing your trauma, you've helped them. In a way, you're on a mission you might not even realize yet. By doing this, your suffering finds its purpose. You are a wonderful person. 😘

Kyle Nelson2 said:I've got a few questions myself...

- How much do you actually let yourself vent negative emotions toward other people? (you know, when they're the ones causing the problem)
- How much of a negative attitude or a defensive guard do you allow yourself to have around others?
- How much do you let yourself maintain that guarded stance, even if someone really hurts you? (like, if someone starts verbally attacking you and you have to defend yourself)

Well, you caught me there—nobody else has really asked me that. Usually, my emotions—especially the bad ones—mostly end up directed at my boyfriend or my sisters. My mom and my friends are pretty much at the bottom of the list; I almost never let it out with them. Honestly? I think I’m just afraid of how people will react. I am.

Kyle Nelson2 said:I've got a few questions myself...

- How much do you actually let yourself vent negative emotions toward other people? (you know, when they're the ones causing the problem)
- How much of a negative attitude or a defensive guard do you allow yourself to have around others?
- How much do you let yourself maintain that guarded stance, even if someone really hurts you? (like, if someone starts verbally attacking you and you have to defend yourself)

I definitely hold a negative attitude toward certain people—though those types aren't exactly common. It’s like, someone can screw me over once, and I'll still talk to them like everything's fine. But if they keep doing it? I slowly distance myself, and everyone sees where that's headed.
Basically, I feel like a pushover in relationships, yet at the same time, I don't. Weird, right?

Kyle Nelson2 said:I've got a few questions myself...

- How much do you actually let yourself vent negative emotions toward other people? (you know, when they're the ones causing the problem)
- How much of a negative attitude or a defensive guard do you allow yourself to have around others?
- How much do you let yourself maintain that guarded stance, even if someone really hurts you? (like, if someone starts verbally attacking you and you have to defend yourself)

Man, the answer to that one changes constantly.
Like, when it comes to my family, I'm fully capable of tearing anyone apart—doesn't matter who they are.
When it involves me personally, it varies... sometimes I'll just shut up and try not to fight, sometimes I'll snap back, and other times I'll just bail and mope for half an hour.
The thing is, I can end up moping because of people who mean absolutely nothing to me and don't even know who I am.
And it feels like the person I hurt most often is my boyfriend, which makes me feel terrible... but I'm trying to be better.🙂
I don't seem to act that way with anyone else.

copperlynx49 said:Dear Ardita,
It doesn't strike me as an isolation of affect; your posts feel far too sincere and open to be anything else, lacking that cold, rigid quality one finds when someone has truly decided to lock their emotions away in a drawer. It seems to me that you might be among the rare few who have actually managed to acknowledge such trauma to oneself—to contemplate it, discuss it, and analyze it—thereby beginning the slow process of stepping out from its shadow (perhaps you haven't fully emerged yet, but you are certainly on the right path 🙂), and frankly, it is a good thing that you still allow yourself to weep occasionally.
In one of your posts, you wonder how it is possible for feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem to be so fragile; I find myself asking you, how fragile can they truly be? Yours have endured avalanches capable of leveling mountains, yet here you are, being reborn, ready to rebuild them from the ground up. There are countless people among us who have never faced anything quite so harrowing, and yet we struggle daily with our own sense of worth...
One must fight that battle every single day, starting with the realization that nothing external—neither what you achieve nor what is done to you—constitutes your true self. You are not defined by your successes or failures, by your grades, or by the opinions of others (even if you still react to them, you are already aware that those things are not the core essence of who you are), and over time, you will begin to feel more clearly that inner strength which serves as our only true measure of value.
I will quote something you wrote yourself in a previous post, something which suggests to me that you have already achieved something many people fail to reach in a lifetime, and why I am certain you will prevail in both your external and internal struggles—that you will, moreover, transform this tragedy into fertile soil for helping yourself and others (which you are already doing simply by maintaining this thread):

"And regarding the rubber band... I've reached a point where I don't want to erase it. I am not happy about those experiences, but I believe they will help me one day when I work with children. I have accepted it as part of myself; it built me, it made me strong, and now I can no longer be broken by every little breeze blowing from an unknown direction."

I am rooting for you! 👍 😘[/COLOR]

I am rooting for you! 👍 😘[/COLOR]

I am rooting for you! 👍 😘

I'm crossing my fingers for you! 👍 😘

Regarding this whole thing—that movie *Domino Effect* really hit me hard. Sounds cheesy, I know, but before seeing it, I was ready to just wipe everything out—until I actually sat with it and realized some things. I think I’m probably the only person I know who sobbed through that movie like it was pouring rain outside; instead of watching Evan, I just saw myself constantly circling back without ever changing a single thing. To truly erase my own history—and my mother's, considering all the crap she had to deal with from my old man—I’d have to go back far enough to warn her about him... which would mean erasing my own existence in the process.

Chris Lopez59 said:There is absolutely no way you could ever become him.😘
From everything you've shared here, it's obvious to me that you're built from some incredibly tough stuff; despite everything that happened to you throughout your childhood, you've managed to rise above it all and emerge as someone high-quality, resilient, intelligent, and frankly, pretty incredible. People deal with much less traumatic stuff and it still leaves them completely broken.

But regardless of any of that, there's really no point in comparing yourself to anyone else. It's not like you even *can* compare yourself to anyone. You have your own life to lead, and I have zero doubt that you're going to make something huge out of it 😉 especially after surviving all of this, trust me, you're worth so much more than you think 😘

If there was some gadget that could just download your words directly into my brain—so they became part of my own internal monologue and how I view myself—then maybe I'd finally be a sane person.

I still feel like I'm totally nuts, or at least a little bit off-kilter
If only I thought the same way you do.

Chris Lopez59 said:Honestly, I’d say you’ve just grown stronger and already cried out the bulk of those tears; you've basically watered over that part of your past. Being able to talk about it at all is a testament to your resilience and your courage to face things head-on. If you really feel the need to compare yourself to others, then compare yourself to all the people who simply can't and don't have the strength to speak up or confront their own history. That alone should be enough for your self-esteem.😘

I don't feel like I've done anything particularly special, so I can't really compare myself to others who have been through what I have. I was always expected to carry a massive weight of responsibility.
For instance, my mom ended up in the hospital when I was 15—nobody even asked if I was capable or willing, they just dumped everything on me: cooking, cleaning, looking after my sisters, driving to the hospital to see her every single day.
Now, Mom is back in the hospital, and it’s the exact same story.
When my stepdad finally moved out, Mom was a total wreck; back then, nobody really knew what I was going through. I had my own issues to deal with while trying to balance college, work, and once again, taking care of my sisters and my mom. And of course, nobody ever gave me a "good job" or a pat on the back. A compliment might have meant something then, but now? It doesn't mean a thing (though I guess I can take pride in the fact that I've known how to cook for seven years now ).
If the house needs money, I provide it. If we need a run to Target or a grocery store, I'm the one going.
And that’s pretty much how my whole life plays out.

Karen Smith8 said:No one can truly fill the voids left behind from our childhood... we just carry them until the end. Everyone has those holes, whether it was through abuse or some other kind of wound. Growing up, I lived under the conviction that love was nothing more than a fairy tale from some pathetic Hollywood movie—that tenderness was merely a prelude to brutality, and that you simply... shouldn't trust anyone. You survive all sorts of things, and for me, it wasn't until this middle stage of life that I found any solace in the idea that maybe I had to endure everything I did just so I could be a guardian angel for every child I encounter today, including my own, of course. My lack of self-worth was so profound that when I first became a mother, I actually wondered what I had done to deserve such cosmic trust, considering I felt like a total zero... I've worked through my traumas and identified all my defense mechanisms, yet even now, I find myself weeping like a small child when the thought hits me: "God, what does it actually feel like to grow up without fear?"
quietranger14, I truly admire your courage and the way you navigate discussing everything you've endured. Women who go through what you have often turn their lives into an even deeper hell by staying silent. I hope your words reach those who are still keeping quiet; I hope that by sharing your trauma, you've helped them. In a way, you're on a mission you might not even realize yet. By doing this, your suffering finds its purpose. You are a wonderful person. 😘

Karen Smith8, I'd take you in a heartbeat

Back when depression hadn't fully taken hold, I clung to this idea that someone would eventually love me—though my definition of love was basically six months of hooking up and calling it a day. I had no clue what actual love meant. I spent my life watching my parents, whose marriage wasn't just unhappy, it was a disaster; my brother was practically divorced from his wife after a single year... just a mountain of bad examples to learn from. So, I went looking for love my way—through sex. I just wanted someone to care about me for the five or ten minutes it took to get it over with. Even during all those flings, I never attached myself to anyone—not in the sense of being able to say, "Hey, I'm in love, I actually give a damn about this person." But regardless of how shallow things stayed, I’d cry every single time someone left me, wondering what was wrong with my head. Eventually, without needing my old man to tell me, I concluded I was just a common tramp.

Then I decided to stop. I realized everyone I picked looked exactly the same, and that was the catch—I was subconsciously selecting people I could never, ever bond with.
So, I sat down and wrote out a list of the kind of guy I actually wanted, piling on all these great qualities, and wondered if someone like that even existed.
And then I met him. But the problems didn't vanish; they just changed shape. Before this, I'd only seen stuff like this on TV. I ended up testing him—unconsciously, of course—in every possible way, like a kid pushing their parents to see where the limit is. At the time, I felt like nothing. I’d obsess over how he could have another girlfriend who wasn't... well, like me. Someone who wasn't a player, wasn't a slut, was "normal," didn't cry, and didn't retreat at every little thing. It took a solid year before I finally started to truly trust him.
Now, I have a slightly better opinion of love.

Karen Smith8 said:No one can truly fill the voids left behind from our childhood... we just carry them until the end. Everyone has those holes, whether it was through abuse or some other kind of wound. Growing up, I lived under the conviction that love was nothing more than a fairy tale from some pathetic Hollywood movie—that tenderness was merely a prelude to brutality, and that you simply... shouldn't trust anyone. You survive all sorts of things, and for me, it wasn't until this middle stage of life that I found any solace in the idea that maybe I had to endure everything I did just so I could be a guardian angel for every child I encounter today, including my own, of course. My lack of self-worth was so profound that when I first became a mother, I actually wondered what I had done to deserve such cosmic trust, considering I felt like a total zero... I've worked through my traumas and identified all my defense mechanisms, yet even now, I find myself weeping like a small child when the thought hits me: "God, what does it actually feel like to grow up without fear?"
quietranger14, I truly admire your courage and the way you navigate discussing everything you've endured. Women who go through what you have often turn their lives into an even deeper hell by staying silent. I hope your words reach those who are still keeping quiet; I hope that by sharing your trauma, you've helped them. In a way, you're on a mission you might not even realize yet. By doing this, your suffering finds its purpose. You are a wonderful person. 😘

Part of the whole point of this thread was the hope that it might actually help someone.

quietranger14 said:Karen Smith8, I'd take you in a heartbeat

Back when depression hadn't fully taken hold, I clung to this idea that someone would eventually love me—though my definition of love was basically six months of hooking up and calling it a day. I had no clue what actual love meant. I spent my life watching my parents, whose marriage wasn't just unhappy, it was a disaster; my brother was practically divorced from his wife after a single year... just a mountain of bad examples to learn from. So, I went looking for love my way—through sex. I just wanted someone to care about me for the five or ten minutes it took to get it over with. Even during all those flings, I never attached myself to anyone—not in the sense of being able to say, "Hey, I'm in love, I actually give a damn about this person." But regardless of how shallow things stayed, I’d cry every single time someone left me, wondering what was wrong with my head. Eventually, without needing my old man to tell me, I concluded I was just a common tramp.

Then I decided to stop. I realized everyone I picked looked exactly the same, and that was the catch—I was subconsciously selecting people I could never, ever bond with.
So, I sat down and wrote out a list of the kind of guy I actually wanted, piling on all these great qualities, and wondered if someone like that even existed.
And then I met him. But the problems didn't vanish; they just changed shape. Before this, I'd only seen stuff like this on TV. I ended up testing him—unconsciously, of course—in every possible way, like a kid pushing their parents to see where the limit is. At the time, I felt like nothing. I’d obsess over how he could have another girlfriend who wasn't... well, like me. Someone who wasn't a player, wasn't a slut, was "normal," didn't cry, and didn't retreat at every little thing. It took a solid year before I finally started to truly trust him.
Now, I have a slightly better opinion of love.

Part of the whole point of this thread was the hope that it might actually help someone.

You're talking to me about testing people?😎

My primary source of entertainment has always been finding someone who genuinely wants me, only to then employ every legal and illegal tactic available to drive them to the brink of insanity, a nervous breakdown, or chronic gastritis😬 Just like you described—constant testing, over and over, until the jerk finally admits he doesn't actually love me. Because, quite frankly, I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that anyone could truly love me. It was infantile, pathological, and exhausting. A closed loop. Seeking out love in the desperate hope of proving once again that love isn't real, and that if someone actually loves me, something must be fundamentally broken... eventually, I managed to decipher the pattern. I became aware of my own actions, of cause and effect, which led to my decision to stop the madness. I decided I'll try again once I've grown up and healed—so, perhaps in my next incarnation or so... it doesn't matter. Better late than never... 🙄

😘

quietranger14 said:If there was some gadget that could just download your words directly into my brain—so they became part of my own internal monologue and how I view myself—then maybe I'd finally be a sane person.

I still feel like I'm totally nuts, or at least a little bit off-kilter
If only I thought the same way you do.

Are you really afraid to admit it?
You are perfectly fine; honestly, you think more clearly than most people out there who claim to be totally normal.

quietranger14 said:I don't feel like I've done anything particularly special, so I can't really compare myself to others who have been through what I have. I was always expected to carry a massive weight of responsibility.
For instance, my mom ended up in the hospital when I was 15—nobody even asked if I was capable or willing, they just dumped everything on me: cooking, cleaning, looking after my sisters, driving to the hospital to see her every single day.
Now, Mom is back in the hospital, and it’s the exact same story.
When my stepdad finally moved out, Mom was a total wreck; back then, nobody really knew what I was going through. I had my own issues to deal with while trying to balance college, work, and once again, taking care of my sisters and my mom. And of course, nobody ever gave me a "good job" or a pat on the back. A compliment might have meant something then, but now? It doesn't mean a thing (though I guess I can take pride in the fact that I've known how to cook for seven years now ).
If the house needs money, I provide it. If we need a run to Target or a grocery store, I'm the one going.
And that’s pretty much how my whole life plays out.

The reality is that almost nobody does anything truly extraordinary. Just look around you—do you see Einsteins or Nobel laureates walking down the street? Very few people can honestly say they've created something of lasting value.

But our purpose in life isn't necessarily to be creators of greatness. It's enough to just build something within ourselves. They say the whole point of living is the experience itself—to live through things and extract the best possible lessons from them. And the greatest lesson of all is gaining the awareness of those experiences, using them to define who we are. To figure out who we are, what we stand for, and what we actually want.

When someone treats you poorly, you use that to build an internal understanding of what "bad" looks like, why it’s wrong, and why you refuse to tolerate it. Once you have that, no one can force you to do something against your will because you understand the underlying truth. You won't just say, "My father was abusive"; instead, you'll say, "My father was verbally abusive and someone who felt the need to control everything." You view him with clarity, seeing exactly what went wrong and why it shouldn't have happened that way.

You explore, you seek out information, you expand your knowledge and your perspective. You start building ideals within yourself.

Believe me, simply being aware of those ideals and working toward them in your own small corner of the world is a massive achievement in its own right. If you put in the work, results are inevitable; they just take time. Obviously, you can't expect everything to change overnight. But just like gardening, you reap what you sow; good seeds and careful tending eventually yield a harvest. 🙂

And if you could only realize how limited general awareness is in this world, you'd finally grasp how precious it truly is.

(Dante once said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Why? Because good intentions aren't enough on their own. You need the consciousness to understand what you are intending. When you combine high-level awareness with your intentions, they actually transform into good deeds. 😘)

Karen Smith8 said:You're talking to me about testing people?😎

My primary source of entertainment has always been finding someone who genuinely wants me, only to then employ every legal and illegal tactic available to drive them to the brink of insanity, a nervous breakdown, or chronic gastritis😬 Just like you described—constant testing, over and over, until the jerk finally admits he doesn't actually love me. Because, quite frankly, I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that anyone could truly love me. It was infantile, pathological, and exhausting. A closed loop. Seeking out love in the desperate hope of proving once again that love isn't real, and that if someone actually loves me, something must be fundamentally broken... eventually, I managed to decipher the pattern. I became aware of my own actions, of cause and effect, which led to my decision to stop the madness. I decided I'll try again once I've grown up and healed—so, perhaps in my next incarnation or so... it doesn't matter. Better late than never... 🙄

😘

Heh 🙂 sounds like I'm listening to myself, though I didn't see it as anything "sick"—after all, the only guy who ever reached that level of testing was my current boyfriend. I think I can justify it, somewhat. If I set aside my ex, there were other people who hurt me too—people I thought were friends... most of them bailed once I ended up in the hospital, acting like I was going to murder them in their sleep or something. They just didn't realize I was the only person I'd actually want to die for
. So, I get it, and I'm glad I did it—even if I probably wouldn't do it consciously again. I don't need a boyfriend or even friends who only stick around when I'm happy and laughing and all that. As for my guy, I know he'd go to hell and back for me
.

Karen Smith8 said:You're talking to me about testing people?😎

My primary source of entertainment has always been finding someone who genuinely wants me, only to then employ every legal and illegal tactic available to drive them to the brink of insanity, a nervous breakdown, or chronic gastritis😬 Just like you described—constant testing, over and over, until the jerk finally admits he doesn't actually love me. Because, quite frankly, I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that anyone could truly love me. It was infantile, pathological, and exhausting. A closed loop. Seeking out love in the desperate hope of proving once again that love isn't real, and that if someone actually loves me, something must be fundamentally broken... eventually, I managed to decipher the pattern. I became aware of my own actions, of cause and effect, which led to my decision to stop the madness. I decided I'll try again once I've grown up and healed—so, perhaps in my next incarnation or so... it doesn't matter. Better late than never... 🙄

😘

Is that how it works? Just messing with someone until they finally pack up and leave? And you know what the kicker is? When someone actually stays by your side, and you look at them thinking, "Well, at least there's one person out there even crazier than I am"😬.

Chris Lopez59 said:The reality is that almost nobody does anything truly extraordinary. Just look around you—do you see Einsteins or Nobel laureates walking down the street? Very few people can honestly say they've created something of lasting value.

But our purpose in life isn't necessarily to be creators of greatness. It's enough to just build something within ourselves. They say the whole point of living is the experience itself—to live through things and extract the best possible lessons from them. And the greatest lesson of all is gaining the awareness of those experiences, using them to define who we are. To figure out who we are, what we stand for, and what we actually want.

When someone treats you poorly, you use that to build an internal understanding of what "bad" looks like, why it’s wrong, and why you refuse to tolerate it. Once you have that, no one can force you to do something against your will because you understand the underlying truth. You won't just say, "My father was abusive"; instead, you'll say, "My father was verbally abusive and someone who felt the need to control everything." You view him with clarity, seeing exactly what went wrong and why it shouldn't have happened that way.

You explore, you seek out information, you expand your knowledge and your perspective. You start building ideals within yourself.

Believe me, simply being aware of those ideals and working toward them in your own small corner of the world is a massive achievement in its own right. If you put in the work, results are inevitable; they just take time. Obviously, you can't expect everything to change overnight. But just like gardening, you reap what you sow; good seeds and careful tending eventually yield a harvest. 🙂

And if you could only realize how limited general awareness is in this world, you'd finally grasp how precious it truly is.

(Dante once said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Why? Because good intentions aren't enough on their own. You need the consciousness to understand what you are intending. When you combine high-level awareness with your intentions, they actually transform into good deeds. 😘)

It’s not about pulling off some Einstein-level breakthrough—it’s more about that internal click where you realize, "Okay, what I just did actually matters." That’s the real win—knowing you found a way to do things right so you can do it again next time. It isn't about grinding away in some high-end lab for forty years trying to cure cancer just so you can end up famous. It's more like walking into a local clinic to help people out—even if it's just by listening—without needing a single soul to know your name. You walk away happy simply because you did something good.

Chris Lopez59 said:The reality is that almost nobody does anything truly extraordinary. Just look around you—do you see Einsteins or Nobel laureates walking down the street? Very few people can honestly say they've created something of lasting value.

But our purpose in life isn't necessarily to be creators of greatness. It's enough to just build something within ourselves. They say the whole point of living is the experience itself—to live through things and extract the best possible lessons from them. And the greatest lesson of all is gaining the awareness of those experiences, using them to define who we are. To figure out who we are, what we stand for, and what we actually want.

When someone treats you poorly, you use that to build an internal understanding of what "bad" looks like, why it’s wrong, and why you refuse to tolerate it. Once you have that, no one can force you to do something against your will because you understand the underlying truth. You won't just say, "My father was abusive"; instead, you'll say, "My father was verbally abusive and someone who felt the need to control everything." You view him with clarity, seeing exactly what went wrong and why it shouldn't have happened that way.

You explore, you seek out information, you expand your knowledge and your perspective. You start building ideals within yourself.

Believe me, simply being aware of those ideals and working toward them in your own small corner of the world is a massive achievement in its own right. If you put in the work, results are inevitable; they just take time. Obviously, you can't expect everything to change overnight. But just like gardening, you reap what you sow; good seeds and careful tending eventually yield a harvest. 🙂

And if you could only realize how limited general awareness is in this world, you'd finally grasp how precious it truly is.

(Dante once said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Why? Because good intentions aren't enough on their own. You need the consciousness to understand what you are intending. When you combine high-level awareness with your intentions, they actually transform into good deeds. 😘)

The thing is—my standards are basically impossible. They’re way too high for anyone else to reach, and even if they were realistic... well, I still can't wrap my head around that whole "to err is human" cliché. When I screw up, it feels unforgivable—but when other people trip up? I've got a completely different set of rules for them.

Chris Lopez59 said:The reality is that almost nobody does anything truly extraordinary. Just look around you—do you see Einsteins or Nobel laureates walking down the street? Very few people can honestly say they've created something of lasting value.

But our purpose in life isn't necessarily to be creators of greatness. It's enough to just build something within ourselves. They say the whole point of living is the experience itself—to live through things and extract the best possible lessons from them. And the greatest lesson of all is gaining the awareness of those experiences, using them to define who we are. To figure out who we are, what we stand for, and what we actually want.

When someone treats you poorly, you use that to build an internal understanding of what "bad" looks like, why it’s wrong, and why you refuse to tolerate it. Once you have that, no one can force you to do something against your will because you understand the underlying truth. You won't just say, "My father was abusive"; instead, you'll say, "My father was verbally abusive and someone who felt the need to control everything." You view him with clarity, seeing exactly what went wrong and why it shouldn't have happened that way.

You explore, you seek out information, you expand your knowledge and your perspective. You start building ideals within yourself.

Believe me, simply being aware of those ideals and working toward them in your own small corner of the world is a massive achievement in its own right. If you put in the work, results are inevitable; they just take time. Obviously, you can't expect everything to change overnight. But just like gardening, you reap what you sow; good seeds and careful tending eventually yield a harvest. 🙂

And if you could only realize how limited general awareness is in this world, you'd finally grasp how precious it truly is.

(Dante once said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Why? Because good intentions aren't enough on their own. You need the consciousness to understand what you are intending. When you combine high-level awareness with your intentions, they actually transform into good deeds. 😘)

Yeah, I'm a little freaked out.

The problem is that my ideals are just too perfect. Nobody can actually reach them, and even if they were realistic... I can't apply the "to err is human" logic to myself. When I mess up, it feels unforgivable, yet I hold everyone else to completely different standards.

That’s incredibly foolish and damaging. Don't do that to yourself. It would be helpful if someone explained why we behave this way. Is it the result of toxic parents or a childhood lacking affection, where you were burdened with excessive responsibility? Like when a child feels more responsible than their own parents and isn't allowed to just be a kid. I don't know, but I do know it's destructive and you have to stop. You're going to burn yourself out one day.

Regarding the topic, I think self-confidence—even if built on shaky ground—is quite common among people who had a rough life and whose parents didn't coddle them, but instead burdened or abused them in some way. It's only natural that everything falls apart after that, sorry for the expression.

Self-respect is tied to self-confidence in the sense that it remains stable as long as there are strong "external results." However, in the face of failure or a string of setbacks, a major psychological crisis can occur because the person doesn't love themselves unconditionally; they love themselves based on their achievements. This happens because healthy self-respect is rooted in love—specifically the love and support provided by parents. If you didn't have that, you have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. That means loving yourself when you fail, when you aren't the best, or when you fall short. You have to learn to speak kindly to yourself instead of criticizing yourself when things go wrong. You need to accept the objective reasons why you weren't at your level that time instead of attacking yourself. I think it's important to have a clear image of both parents so that after a failure, you can silence those harsh voices in your head—the ones representing your father's words or your mother's reaction to your failure—and finally hear the words you should be saying to yourself. Basically, what a kind, mature, and responsible parent would say to their child in that situation. I don't know what comes next; I haven't reached that stage 🙂 yet, but I assume those harsh voices get quieter over time while the gentle voice becomes automatic, allowing self-respect to eventually settle within you. 😘