Dealing with low self-esteem

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

Please don't generalize. For instance, people like that have never actually appealed to me. If anything, I've always been drawn to the more reserved, talented intellectuals.
It seems you are merely searching for excuses to protect yourself. I find myself wondering if you actually have any intention of accepting help at all.

quietranger14 said:I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks

Just stop stressing over every little thing. Whatever happened in the past, just move on.

Lawrence Jackson79 said:Just stop stressing over every little thing. Whatever happened in the past, just move on.

Wow, what a brilliant response. 👏

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

For heaven's sake, kid, don't go reading that godforsaken, trashy literature. 🙂 I know firsthand what happened to me after I did. A few incurable mental states and a total breakdown. 😬 Those psychology textbooks filled with nothing but statistics are completely useless. Human beings are far more magnificent and complex than some data point. 😳

I don't know why you're worrying about being such a pushover; you've got enough aggression in you to power a stallion 😁 and enough irony to suggest you aren't just some naive child. 😛 Besides, being quiet and reserved isn't necessarily a flaw. 😍

who can know the thoughts of this sad man
why he keeps quiet
or drives out into the rain 🙂

What you really need to discover is the power to make a woman weep with joy just because she's with you. For that, you don't need psychology stats; you need a bottle of Evian, the spirit of a thoroughbred, and the heart of a lion. 😁 😁 😘

Lawrence Jackson79 said:Just stop stressing over every little thing. Whatever happened in the past, just move on.

Spoken like a true revolutionary—matches the handle perfectly!!
If you can solve world hunger while you're at it, then maybe we'll talk about you being a big shot!!
I'm cured!!!

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

Since you’ve never actually had a girlfriend—how exactly do you know what women are looking for? If you actually give a damn about girls like that—well, good luck to you. Honestly, just buy a keychain with a Mercedes-Benz logo on it and smoke some Marlboro Reds—that's plenty. And there you have it!

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

Hold on a second—confidence isn't some scoreboard based on how many girls you've dated. I went through a phase where I was seeing guys left and right—honestly, looking back, I almost wish I hadn't—but what makes you think those numbers actually matter? Who cares? Only shallow people, if you ask me.
If you think landing a girlfriend is going to magically fix your self-esteem—spoiler alert: it won't. You can't go looking for someone else to fill a hole that’s already there.
I figured the exact same thing—but after getting burned a few times, I finally realized it honestly doesn't have anything to do with it.
Having a girlfriend in the past just means you’ve got experience—it isn't some magical boost to your self-confidence. Confidence isn't something that grows on trees, and you won't find it sitting at the bottom of a beer bottle—it's something you have to build inside yourself.

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

In what sense? Men deal with PMS, cycles, and giving birth too—it's all part of the spectrum. Changing diapers—do husbands actually step up for that? I'm not so sure. Seems like it’s just as much of a grind for everyone involved. Still, I wouldn't trade being a woman for anything—at least we have way better options when it comes to clothes. 😬

William Scott18 said:Until you're 18, or maybe even 20, being the "cool guy"—loud, aggressive, and wild—is what draws girls in. That's what they fall for at that age.

After that, I'm not entirely sure what matters since I haven't quite hit that stage yet, but confidence definitely plays a huge part, and you build that during those early years.

That's why I say guys who have had girlfriends will deal with choices sooner, while those who haven't end up with lower confidence and are left on their own. It makes it harder to try, and even harder for girls to show interest.
If you studied psychology, you might already know there's literature out there about this.

I'm not trying to lecture anyone, just stating facts—things are often much easier for women than they are for men.

quietranger14, I hope my college experience improves too, though I'm not expecting much. If you expect too much, you always end up disappointed.

Look, the lower your expectations, the less there is to lose. If you go looking for the good stuff, you'll actually find it... it’s basically science. It's like those kids who assume everyone likes them—they walk into a room more confident, make more friends, and suddenly, yeah, people actually do like them!!

quietranger14 said:I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks

I suppose society is mostly to blame for these kinds of prejudices. Personally, I tend to prefer women with more presence, and I'm probably not alone in that. From what I can see in most social circles here in the States, those girls are often the most fun and charismatic. Please, don't let this get to you; it might make things easier. It seems like you already have enough on your plate. To me, being curvy is a noble trait. Honestly, forget the dieting. The world decided that the "ideal" body has to be thin, and everyone just follows the crowd, but that doesn't mean you won't be attractive to a guy or a group of friends. In fact, you will. Believe me, many would trade places with you in a heartbeat—maybe without the bad memories, but if you focus on the good childhood memories instead of pushing them away, you'll likely be much happier. Best of luck.

Paul Sullivan said:I suppose society is mostly to blame for these kinds of prejudices. Personally, I tend to prefer women with more presence, and I'm probably not alone in that. From what I can see in most social circles here in the States, those girls are often the most fun and charismatic. Please, don't let this get to you; it might make things easier. It seems like you already have enough on your plate. To me, being curvy is a noble trait. Honestly, forget the dieting. The world decided that the "ideal" body has to be thin, and everyone just follows the crowd, but that doesn't mean you won't be attractive to a guy or a group of friends. In fact, you will. Believe me, many would trade places with you in a heartbeat—maybe without the bad memories, but if you focus on the good childhood memories instead of pushing them away, you'll likely be much happier. Best of luck.

Thanks luckily my boyfriend feels the same way 🙂
I get the logic intellectually—one half of my brain knows what's up—but the other half is basically revolting against itself for various reasons. I know there's no point in weighing 95 pounds at 5'8", and I don't want that anyway. I actually love my curves (during my best moments), and I know half the girls in the universe would kill for a size 4, but when your head isn't on board, none of that matters. Besides, some of the most beautiful women I've seen in real life weren't exactly toothpicks. If I could just fix my mindset, everything would be fine.
Thanks for the post, I'm blushing. Damn, I really need to stop doing that

Look, quietranger14, you really need to talk some sense into these boys. 😍 😘

I’ve decided I’m going to write him a song instead. 🙂

Oh, poor little boy from the lowlands,
your reputation precedes you in this kingdom of love.
With your luck blessed by nothing but fool's gold,
honestly, who could ever see you coming? 😍
Oh, poor little boy from the lowlands,
bound by such a twisted fate, 😁
treading down a dusty, broken road.
Oh, poor little boy,
who could ever hope to claim a soul like yours? 🙂

quietranger14 said:Thanks luckily my boyfriend feels the same way 🙂
I get the logic intellectually—one half of my brain knows what's up—but the other half is basically revolting against itself for various reasons. I know there's no point in weighing 95 pounds at 5'8", and I don't want that anyway. I actually love my curves (during my best moments), and I know half the girls in the universe would kill for a size 4, but when your head isn't on board, none of that matters. Besides, some of the most beautiful women I've seen in real life weren't exactly toothpicks. If I could just fix my mindset, everything would be fine.
Thanks for the post, I'm blushing. Damn, I really need to stop doing that

Maybe that is just enough to offer some comfort. I am actually one of those people with those proportions. I am naturally thin, my metabolism runs incredibly fast, and honestly, you might think I am happy about it, but I am not. 😠
I eat constantly just trying to keep anything in my system. Ever since anxiety hit me, my appetite basically vanished. My main struggle is simply trying to maintain whatever weight I have left.

I suppose we all want something different instead of just accepting our imperfect bodies.
And yes, even I feel attractive and confident during my best moments...😉

James Allen6 said:Maybe that is just enough to offer some comfort. I am actually one of those people with those proportions. I am naturally thin, my metabolism runs incredibly fast, and honestly, you might think I am happy about it, but I am not. 😠
I eat constantly just trying to keep anything in my system. Ever since anxiety hit me, my appetite basically vanished. My main struggle is simply trying to maintain whatever weight I have left.

I suppose we all want something different instead of just accepting our imperfect bodies.
And yes, even I feel attractive and confident during my best moments...😉

😘Hey, I didn't mean to offend you if it came off that way—so, sorry if I did.
I know all about that miserable anxiety—and the crappy antidepressants, and whatever else they prescribe to deal with it, along with all those "great" side effects. I know people say it doesn't matter, but right now, it matters enough to make me feel desperate. Damn, if only this would all just stop—if I could just stop caring. Why is the world such a garbage fire that it turns you into... well, something else entirely? And then leaves you alone to patch up your own wounds.
What kind of nonsense is this anyway? Why can't we all just be beautiful?
I know I'm rambling, but I don't really care. Who decided on these trashy beauty standards and these impossible criteria nobody can ever meet? Who is all this crap supposed to make happy? If kids aren't even happy, how is anyone in this world supposed to be? Even kids aren't happy—by age five, they already know that being overweight or skinny means they won't be liked, though they haven't quite realized yet that you're supposed to wash your hands after using the bathroom.
I honestly don't get what's happening here.
Anyway... I'm going to go study, maybe I'll actually learn something useful. 😬

Kyle Watson8 said:Look, quietranger14, you really need to talk some sense into these boys. 😍 😘

I’ve decided I’m going to write him a song instead. 🙂

Oh, poor little boy from the lowlands,
your reputation precedes you in this kingdom of love.
With your luck blessed by nothing but fool's gold,
honestly, who could ever see you coming? 😍
Oh, poor little boy from the lowlands,
bound by such a twisted fate, 😁
treading down a dusty, broken road.
Oh, poor little boy,
who could ever hope to claim a soul like yours? 🙂

Honestly, I’d rather just take a wooden spoon to the head—or maybe let my mom handle that part for me. 😬

I’m clearly a hypocrite with zero authority here—coming in to lecture a kid when I don't have all the answers myself... but hey, at least I'm trying, right?

quietranger14 said:😘Hey, I didn't mean to offend you if it came off that way—so, sorry if I did.
I know all about that miserable anxiety—and the crappy antidepressants, and whatever else they prescribe to deal with it, along with all those "great" side effects. I know people say it doesn't matter, but right now, it matters enough to make me feel desperate. Damn, if only this would all just stop—if I could just stop caring. Why is the world such a garbage fire that it turns you into... well, something else entirely? And then leaves you alone to patch up your own wounds.
What kind of nonsense is this anyway? Why can't we all just be beautiful?
I know I'm rambling, but I don't really care. Who decided on these trashy beauty standards and these impossible criteria nobody can ever meet? Who is all this crap supposed to make happy? If kids aren't even happy, how is anyone in this world supposed to be? Even kids aren't happy—by age five, they already know that being overweight or skinny means they won't be liked, though they haven't quite realized yet that you're supposed to wash your hands after using the bathroom.
I honestly don't get what's happening here.
Anyway... I'm going to go study, maybe I'll actually learn something useful. 😬

don't worry, you didn't offend me, I don't take offense that easily...😘

I just remembered that when I used to visit my psychologist, there was this large mirror in her office next to a scale, and I remember wondering, "is someone's appearance really such a huge issue that they end up seeing a psychologist because of it?"... but obviously, it is....

please don't worry, it is just a temporary crisis, we have all felt unattractive at some point.
maybe buy yourself some new clothes or something just to "boost" your mood....

and what you wrote is all true, traditional values, morality, and etiquette have vanished. The media constantly pushes shallow people into shallow situations on us—take the current hype around the latest celebrity scandals, or those socialites, or those news pundits, just constant idiocy. But I try not to let myself get worked up over it. I truly don't care.

quietranger14 said:Honestly, I’d rather just take a wooden spoon to the head—or maybe let my mom handle that part for me. 😬

I’m clearly a hypocrite with zero authority here—coming in to lecture a kid when I don't have all the answers myself... but hey, at least I'm trying, right?

I suppose that matters most.

quietranger14 said:Honestly, I’d rather just take a wooden spoon to the head—or maybe let my mom handle that part for me. 😬

I’m clearly a hypocrite with zero authority here—coming in to lecture a kid when I don't have all the answers myself... but hey, at least I'm trying, right?

😘 😘 😘

Wow, what a lovely little bond we've formed here 😍

As for me, I’ve stopped trying so hard. These days, I just let the world spin while I soak in this whole magical experience 🙂. Sure, I still check my inbox every single day like clockwork 🙂, but now things simply ARE 🙂
.
So, believe me when I say I know exactly what I'm talking about, you poor, misguided kid 😳

Well, today’s looking up a bit—I think I actually nailed that exam, which definitely helped my mood.
Still, life isn't all sunshine—I'm still dealing with some headaches, specifically trying to get my head straight with that guy from the local ADHD support group.

Kyle Watson8, I didn't quite catch your drift there, but what you wrote was pretty poetic and honestly kind of depressing, so here's 😘 to you—whether you're feeling down or riding high.

Honestly, coming here to vent is the best part of my day! It’s nice to feel like people are actually listening... it's not a bad feeling.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a solid pop-science self-help book? I’m looking for something specifically focused on overcoming a lack of self-confidence. Much appreciated 🙂