Dealing with low self-esteem

Kate Flores4 said:

The problem is that my ideals are just too perfect. Nobody can actually reach them, and even if they were realistic... I can't apply the "to err is human" logic to myself. When I mess up, it feels unforgivable, yet I hold everyone else to completely different standards.

That’s incredibly foolish and damaging. Don't do that to yourself. It would be helpful if someone explained why we behave this way. Is it the result of toxic parents or a childhood lacking affection, where you were burdened with excessive responsibility? Like when a child feels more responsible than their own parents and isn't allowed to just be a kid. I don't know, but I do know it's destructive and you have to stop. You're going to burn yourself out one day.

Regarding the topic, I think self-confidence—even if built on shaky ground—is quite common among people who had a rough life and whose parents didn't coddle them, but instead burdened or abused them in some way. It's only natural that everything falls apart after that, sorry for the expression.

Self-respect is tied to self-confidence in the sense that it remains stable as long as there are strong "external results." However, in the face of failure or a string of setbacks, a major psychological crisis can occur because the person doesn't love themselves unconditionally; they love themselves based on their achievements. This happens because healthy self-respect is rooted in love—specifically the love and support provided by parents. If you didn't have that, you have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. That means loving yourself when you fail, when you aren't the best, or when you fall short. You have to learn to speak kindly to yourself instead of criticizing yourself when things go wrong. You need to accept the objective reasons why you weren't at your level that time instead of attacking yourself. I think it's important to have a clear image of both parents so that after a failure, you can silence those harsh voices in your head—the ones representing your father's words or your mother's reaction to your failure—and finally hear the words you should be saying to yourself. Basically, what a kind, mature, and responsible parent would say to their child in that situation. I don't know what comes next; I haven't reached that stage 🙂 yet, but I assume those harsh voices get quieter over time while the gentle voice becomes automatic, allowing self-respect to eventually settle within you. 😘

Look, I get that it's stupid and self-destructive—I really do—but I'm working on it and hoping for the best.

Kate Flores4 said:

The problem is that my ideals are just too perfect. Nobody can actually reach them, and even if they were realistic... I can't apply the "to err is human" logic to myself. When I mess up, it feels unforgivable, yet I hold everyone else to completely different standards.

That’s incredibly foolish and damaging. Don't do that to yourself. It would be helpful if someone explained why we behave this way. Is it the result of toxic parents or a childhood lacking affection, where you were burdened with excessive responsibility? Like when a child feels more responsible than their own parents and isn't allowed to just be a kid. I don't know, but I do know it's destructive and you have to stop. You're going to burn yourself out one day.

Regarding the topic, I think self-confidence—even if built on shaky ground—is quite common among people who had a rough life and whose parents didn't coddle them, but instead burdened or abused them in some way. It's only natural that everything falls apart after that, sorry for the expression.

Self-respect is tied to self-confidence in the sense that it remains stable as long as there are strong "external results." However, in the face of failure or a string of setbacks, a major psychological crisis can occur because the person doesn't love themselves unconditionally; they love themselves based on their achievements. This happens because healthy self-respect is rooted in love—specifically the love and support provided by parents. If you didn't have that, you have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. That means loving yourself when you fail, when you aren't the best, or when you fall short. You have to learn to speak kindly to yourself instead of criticizing yourself when things go wrong. You need to accept the objective reasons why you weren't at your level that time instead of attacking yourself. I think it's important to have a clear image of both parents so that after a failure, you can silence those harsh voices in your head—the ones representing your father's words or your mother's reaction to your failure—and finally hear the words you should be saying to yourself. Basically, what a kind, mature, and responsible parent would say to their child in that situation. I don't know what comes next; I haven't reached that stage 🙂 yet, but I assume those harsh voices get quieter over time while the gentle voice becomes automatic, allowing self-respect to eventually settle within you. 😘

That’s exactly my situation. Everything feels fine when I'm performing at an acceptable level, but the second I dip below that threshold, everything goes south.
In our session today, we talked about measuring self-esteem and who we end up comparing ourselves to.
So, the goal is to stop looking at everyone else and start comparing myself to who I was yesterday?

Kate Flores4 said:

The problem is that my ideals are just too perfect. Nobody can actually reach them, and even if they were realistic... I can't apply the "to err is human" logic to myself. When I mess up, it feels unforgivable, yet I hold everyone else to completely different standards.

That’s incredibly foolish and damaging. Don't do that to yourself. It would be helpful if someone explained why we behave this way. Is it the result of toxic parents or a childhood lacking affection, where you were burdened with excessive responsibility? Like when a child feels more responsible than their own parents and isn't allowed to just be a kid. I don't know, but I do know it's destructive and you have to stop. You're going to burn yourself out one day.

Regarding the topic, I think self-confidence—even if built on shaky ground—is quite common among people who had a rough life and whose parents didn't coddle them, but instead burdened or abused them in some way. It's only natural that everything falls apart after that, sorry for the expression.

Self-respect is tied to self-confidence in the sense that it remains stable as long as there are strong "external results." However, in the face of failure or a string of setbacks, a major psychological crisis can occur because the person doesn't love themselves unconditionally; they love themselves based on their achievements. This happens because healthy self-respect is rooted in love—specifically the love and support provided by parents. If you didn't have that, you have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. That means loving yourself when you fail, when you aren't the best, or when you fall short. You have to learn to speak kindly to yourself instead of criticizing yourself when things go wrong. You need to accept the objective reasons why you weren't at your level that time instead of attacking yourself. I think it's important to have a clear image of both parents so that after a failure, you can silence those harsh voices in your head—the ones representing your father's words or your mother's reaction to your failure—and finally hear the words you should be saying to yourself. Basically, what a kind, mature, and responsible parent would say to their child in that situation. I don't know what comes next; I haven't reached that stage 🙂 yet, but I assume those harsh voices get quieter over time while the gentle voice becomes automatic, allowing self-respect to eventually settle within you. 😘

And that's what I'm trying to do... I really don't want a repeat of last month when finals rolled around.
It takes me longer to pick things up from others because I tend to obsess over the details—I can't walk into an exam unless I'm 95% sure I've mastered the material. Other people have different study habits and seem to breeze through it faster. I know logically that needing more time doesn't mean I'm slow, but I spent the whole previous month convinced I was an idiot just because I process things differently.
I've decided to stop telling myself those lies... hopefully, it sticks.

I grew up in an incredibly stable, harmonious household, so I find myself struggling with the very issues you all are discussing here.
I had plenty of love, attention, and both material and spiritual stability, which I guess makes me overanalyze everything even more. My self-confidence is low, and I tend to only value myself when everything is "going according to plan." I struggle to truly appreciate my own achievements.
I constantly find myself apologizing to others for my perceived "mistakes or shortcomings." I have a hard time accepting compliments, too. Even though I might come across as confident, I suppose I really am not.
Maybe I was raised under slightly too much pressure regarding expectations—as if the question were, why shouldn't you be perfect in everything when you have every advantage?
But honestly, why would we even strive for perfection? And what does "perfect" even mean? According to whose standards?
Lately, I've been working with a therapist to learn how to value myself and stop being so self-critical. I'm trying to accept myself as I am, and I've even started intentionally doing things imperfectly, just to prove to myself that nothing terrible will actually happen.🙂

James Allen6 said:I grew up in an incredibly stable, harmonious household, so I find myself struggling with the very issues you all are discussing here.
I had plenty of love, attention, and both material and spiritual stability, which I guess makes me overanalyze everything even more. My self-confidence is low, and I tend to only value myself when everything is "going according to plan." I struggle to truly appreciate my own achievements.
I constantly find myself apologizing to others for my perceived "mistakes or shortcomings." I have a hard time accepting compliments, too. Even though I might come across as confident, I suppose I really am not.
Maybe I was raised under slightly too much pressure regarding expectations—as if the question were, why shouldn't you be perfect in everything when you have every advantage?
But honestly, why would we even strive for perfection? And what does "perfect" even mean? According to whose standards?
Lately, I've been working with a therapist to learn how to value myself and stop being so self-critical. I'm trying to accept myself as I am, and I've even started intentionally doing things imperfectly, just to prove to myself that nothing terrible will actually happen.🙂

Exactly. 😘
I'm planning to find a specialist before summer hits to really tackle this head-on.
Besides, if everyone were actually perfect, we'd all be clones—our flaws are basically what make us individuals. Now, if only I could apply that logic to my own life... someone pass me a magic wand or something! 😬

quietranger14 said:Look, I get that it's stupid and self-destructive—I really do—but I'm working on it and hoping for the best.

That’s exactly my situation. Everything feels fine when I'm performing at an acceptable level, but the second I dip below that threshold, everything goes south.
In our session today, we talked about measuring self-esteem and who we end up comparing ourselves to.
So, the goal is to stop looking at everyone else and start comparing myself to who I was yesterday?

And that's what I'm trying to do... I really don't want a repeat of last month when finals rolled around.
It takes me longer to pick things up from others because I tend to obsess over the details—I can't walk into an exam unless I'm 95% sure I've mastered the material. Other people have different study habits and seem to breeze through it faster. I know logically that needing more time doesn't mean I'm slow, but I spent the whole previous month convinced I was an idiot just because I process things differently.
I've decided to stop telling myself those lies... hopefully, it sticks.

Then you're already on the right track.🙂

Compare yourself to your own standards for how things should be done, but keep in mind that you can't apply those exact rules to every single situation. You have to be objective about why something didn't work out and adapt so the outcome favors you, rather than obsessing over perfection.

I think it’s fine to compare yourself to others occasionally. Sometimes seeing where we excel compared to others can give us a little boost in confidence.😉 However, there will always be people who are further ahead, and you shouldn't let that get to you. Instead, try to learn as much as possible from them. There are seasons when we push harder and become more self-critical—though not destructively so—and that effort leads to better results during the periods when we plateau and allow ourselves to relax. The key is balancing hard work with proper rest.

I suppose I have this constant habit of comparing myself to the best of the best, and honestly, it’s exhausting.
The hardest part is that I don't mean any harm; I truly feel happy for people when they succeed, but I can't help but end up putting myself down in the process.

There are days when I feel on top of the world and completely unstoppable. But then the rough patches hit—those moments where self-pity starts creeping in. It’s not even something I’m doing on purpose; it just bubbles up from somewhere deep inside, totally involuntary. When that happens, I feel pathetic. Just plain, miserable, and small. I lose sight of everything good about myself and the life I've built.
It feels like there's nothing left to hold onto. The sadness just settles in, and my confidence? Gone. 😎

James Allen6 said:I grew up in an incredibly stable, harmonious household, so I find myself struggling with the very issues you all are discussing here.
I had plenty of love, attention, and both material and spiritual stability, which I guess makes me overanalyze everything even more. My self-confidence is low, and I tend to only value myself when everything is "going according to plan." I struggle to truly appreciate my own achievements.
I constantly find myself apologizing to others for my perceived "mistakes or shortcomings." I have a hard time accepting compliments, too. Even though I might come across as confident, I suppose I really am not.
Maybe I was raised under slightly too much pressure regarding expectations—as if the question were, why shouldn't you be perfect in everything when you have every advantage?
But honestly, why would we even strive for perfection? And what does "perfect" even mean? According to whose standards?
Lately, I've been working with a therapist to learn how to value myself and stop being so self-critical. I'm trying to accept myself as I am, and I've even started intentionally doing things imperfectly, just to prove to myself that nothing terrible will actually happen.🙂

Yeah, well, I’ve got that same drive for everything to be flawless too. I guess I always thought people would accept me better if I was perfect, but that whole idea doesn't even matter. I’m way too hard on myself, yet I hold everyone else to completely different standards. That’s why I deal with OCD. Everything has to be perfectly symmetrical because I’m terrified people won't love me otherwise. It’s such a stupid way to think, but it all boils down to that. And now that I’ve started noticing it, I can’t seem to stop. Dammit. What can I say, some days are better than others. The worst part is just sitting at home spiraling in my own head. I always need something to distract me. Always.

quietranger14, darling 😘 I’ve been sitting here reading your story, and honestly, it’s so heartbreakingly moving that I actually broke down in tears. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

I’m really not one for handing out unsolicited advice—everyone’s journey is entirely unique, and we all have to find our own way through the woods. I could certainly write out what helped me rebuild my own self-esteem, though I suspect I might as well be speaking a foreign language to you right now.

I just wanted to reach out and say, HEY LOVE 😘 it's a beautiful world. A deeply sad, yet beautiful world. 🙂 🙂

The path ahead of you will be an uphill battle, my dear, but you’ll be the first to reach the summit because you were the last one to start the climb.

Kyle Watson8 said:quietranger14, darling 😘 I’ve been sitting here reading your story, and honestly, it’s so heartbreakingly moving that I actually broke down in tears. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

I’m really not one for handing out unsolicited advice—everyone’s journey is entirely unique, and we all have to find our own way through the woods. I could certainly write out what helped me rebuild my own self-esteem, though I suspect I might as well be speaking a foreign language to you right now.

I just wanted to reach out and say, HEY LOVE 😘 it's a beautiful world. A deeply sad, yet beautiful world. 🙂 🙂

The path ahead of you will be an uphill battle, my dear, but you’ll be the first to reach the summit because you were the last one to start the climb.

And I was laughing through my tears while reading this! Thanks! Gave me actual chills 😘

Kyle Watson8—I’d love it if you could share what actually worked for your self-confidence. Any advice, personal stories... I'm all ears.👍

So, does anyone have a solid recommendation for a therapist here in Washington, D.C.? I've finally decided to actually deal with my issues instead of just ignoring them—which isn't working, by the way—but I'm totally lost on where to even start looking.

😘 I am so incredibly sorry for the delayed response.

It isn’t even the first time I’ve reached out like this, mostly because I have these nagging doubts about whether my perspective actually carries any weight for anyone else. To be honest, I find myself questioning if I’m just being paranoid again. 😁

But look, I think what Nemruth said was spot on: one way we can actually combat destruction is through construction. We need to build something—some kind of art. I truly believe that those of us who have endured our own version of a personal Calvary (and while mine might not mirror yours exactly, let me tell you, it was hell) have a responsibility to create something beautiful. At least at the start. It’s the only way to find a way to identify our truest selves within the work. Plus, art serves as such a vital tool for exploring ourselves and the world, which ultimately makes us less dependent on whatever chaos is happening around us.

As for me, I’ve got demons and some pretty hideous monsters rattling around in my head. 😢 For instance, like you mentioned regarding that intense jealousy toward a friend—I spent over twenty years thinking that bitterness was simply my core identity. That was a nightmare. It wasn't until art, specifically the immersion of music, finally opened a window for me that things shifted. My hope is that I can eventually wrap these monsters and demons up and transform them into something beautiful. I want to successfully forge a new version of myself, perhaps even with a bit of a tacky halo hovering over my head.

I thought maybe this might offer you some small measure of comfort. Please know that I feel for you, deeply and profoundly. 😘

🙂 Thanks... though I think I definitely need some professional help 👎
Luckily, I'm studying psychology—so I can actually spot the weird stuff happening in my own head. I'll need to sort it out myself, which means finding a solid therapist and having a ton of willpower, too... but thanks for the advice anyway. Maybe I should just get back into drawing or writing instead. That's what actually makes me happy. 😘

I completely agree that seeking out a therapist is necessary. I was actually thinking of this as an additional layer of support rather than a replacement.
In my opinion, you might find psychoanalysis particularly rewarding because you are such an intelligent and articulate woman. Even though standard psychology programs will probably try to dismiss it, don't let them pigeonhole you; I truly believe psychoanalysis offers the most holistic approach to understanding a person, even if it’s far from being a strictly "hard science." Plus, you just need some love. 😉

My advice would be to reach out to Bradley Reed60 . She knows an absolutely stellar therapist

😘

Thanks, but I actually found a potential therapist, so I'm going to see how things go with her first...

Ugh... I want to talk about something else that's been weighing on me lately. It feels like I might have an eating disorder—specifically binge eating...

I didn't even realize this could be classified as a disorder until less than a month ago. Then I stumbled onto a forum about it, and we even touched on it briefly in one of my college classes...
I eat way too fast, and I usually eat alone because I’m embarrassed by how much I consume. I just keep going until I feel sick, which inevitably leads to all that guilt and self-loathing. This cycle has been going on for about two years now—I just don't have a sense of moderation. I can go all day without eating and still feel terrible because I overdid it earlier, yet I only feel "okay" when I'm dieting—because that's the only time I feel like I have control over my intake and can actually gauge how much I've eaten. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone here knows more about this specific disorder? If you do, could you please share some insight?

I understand. I dealt with this disorder for three years. It is incredibly tricky, but honestly, the silver lining is that you aren't vomiting; if you were, pulling yourself out would be a hundred times more difficult.

I can't offer you any concrete advice. I actually studied psychology, and in my life, I have cycled through over ten different therapists, yet nothing showed even a hint of progress regarding my five or six diagnoses 😬. That is why I cannot give you any reliable guidance, unfortunately—my case is completely atypical.

But I will try; who knows, maybe something I say will ring a bell, and it would be foolish of me not to attempt it.

So, there is a way to control food intake, but that involves addressing the problem from the outside. Unless you are an exceptionally self-disciplined individual, it won't work. Some people are lucky enough to be highly rational. For the rest of us, where irrationality and emotions dominate, it isn't going to be that easy. You simply cannot fight a lack of self-control by using the method of self-control itself. It is a total paradox; you cannot "practice" self-control. You have to start solving things from the inside, and as for the external factors, like physical appearance, you just have to let them go. Of course, that is a very long process, and it is easy to stumble. But every time you stumble, the illness is prolonged. It doesn't sound particularly cheerful. In my case, the illness essentially resolved itself over about six months when I finally stopped fighting it and just surrendered to it. I quit the dieting and told myself, "Fine, I'll eat as much as I want." During those first few months, I gained a few pounds, but then suddenly, something shifted. The mechanism that had been broken due to constant cycles of starving and bingeing reactivated. My body began demanding less and less food until it eventually returned to normal.

I have never heard of anyone else recovering this way, so I am making no promises. However, it makes sense to me that such extreme dieting can scramble your system so badly that it rebels against you and tries to force you to overeat.

Naturally, you also need to address psychological issues simultaneously. That mechanism of self-loathing you are unfortunately carrying within you is the primary driver of this entire problem. As for the self-loathing, I am certain you will overcome that. A good psychotherapist could be your best asset there. And a good partner. And good friends. Even medication isn't off the table; for me, it was Fak, and it truly saved me. Don't dismiss their value just because they are "only chemistry." The people you choose to trust must be positive individuals. Don't let some therapist brainwash you. They shouldn't force you to relive your traumas over and over. Only love conquers demons. One day, you will realize how much you are worth. Just keep searching, searching, searching. There is a place you will reach one day where you will be able to call yourself beautiful. All this darkness of depression and hatred will vanish, and the light will shine through. I swear it.

and I just tried 😘

I’m with you—my "normal" diet went completely out the window once the meds started. My psychiatrist put me on Xanax first, and man, I just slept. Like, slept for days... months, actually. I put on a few pounds easily. I was taking Xanax in the morning and at night, so basically, as soon as I woke up, I was heading right back to bed. Then I ended up in the hospital, where they switched me to Paxil—suddenly I couldn't eat a thing all day, felt hyperactive, and dropped about twenty pounds in a month and a half. But then they swapped the meds again, and I was back to sleeping through the day and gaining all those pounds back, plus some extra. I just lost my way with food. Before the medication, my weight was steady—then boom, everything changed, and I still can't get back to my old routine.
I tried letting go the same way you did, thinking I could just start eating normally, but it’s not working. I honestly don't even know what "normal" looks like anymore. Today, I managed three regular meals, and the only thing keeping me from running to the bathroom to purge or just skipping food entirely is the little bit of knowledge I have about bulimia and anorexia. Even so, I know that by tomorrow, nothing will stop me from overeating again.
The weight is weighing on me heavily, even if it's not much higher than my usual, but knowing that doesn't help one bit.
I've been thinking about signing up for something—maybe a class or a hobby—now that I actually have some free time. Maybe that helps, but who knows? Even if I did lose weight, I wouldn't even know what my "ideal" weight would be. What would actually make me happy? I'm scared I wouldn't even recognize a limit because, honestly, I don't love myself at all right now. God, I hate how much I dislike myself; I'm embarrassed to even leave the house. I try to avoid mirrors, but it doesn't really work. I catch a glimpse and it's just... ugh. I need to change something!!!!

Sure, psychology can teach you some rational coping mechanisms that actually work, but relying on logic alone is a bit like trying to rationally prove the existence of God—you’ll just end up stuck in an endless loop of doubt 😁. You have to go deeper than that. You need to descend into the depths of your own soul, remember exactly what you are made of, and witness the sheer magnificence of your own resilience.

I won't sugarcoat it: the next few years will likely feel like a freefall as you scramble to find help in every corner of the country. There will be moments when the pain and the sheer necessity of healing feel overwhelming, making everything look utterly hopeless. You'll find yourself choosing to let losers and assholes who don't know the first thing about you mess with your most vulnerable spots 🙄 😢. But then, one day, it will finally click. You'll realize your own worth, and that epiphany will hit you with the force of a massive investigative breakthrough 😁. Every agonizing step of this journey will prove to be worth it, simply because you'll still be standing here to tell your story to someone else who needs to hear it.

If you're looking for a starting point, you might actually find some solace in the book *Women Who Run with the Wolves*
.

It’s honestly a relief to stumble upon this forum and read about all of you—the scars, the crosses you carry, that heavy, exhausting internal warfare where you're constantly at odds with your own soul...
I see so much of myself in your stories, in an endless number of ways, because you’ve managed to trigger memories I thought I had buried forever (I’m one of those people with a repression mechanism so deep that I actually find myself confused when others recount my own childhood experiences to me). But those things resurface; they come up more rarely now, sure, but they hit harder every single time.
I am trying, with everything I have, to build what everyone calls a "normal" life. I’m learning how to actually like myself, just like the rest of you women are doing. It’s a brutal process, isn't it? I suppose I feel most at peace when I experience something that feels unearned, a little gift from the universe—today, that gift was finding this community. I call it "life balance"; nothing can be purely tragic, just as nothing can stay perpetually perfect.
Once you finish your degree, you start to realize—and I say this as someone working in a related field who had to go back and study psychology just to make sense of it all—that you end up throwing your entire being into fighting for others' tragedies. People tend to value you for it because you actually know how to empathize, how to look someone in the eye and tell them to keep moving... it's a capacity we possess.
Maybe it sounds pathetic, but I don't care—I truly appreciate you all. 😘 🙂

🙂 It’s the same story over here 🙂

That was a beautiful post; you hit the nail on the head 😍

Honestly, that self-loathing can be an incredible catalyst, driving us to accomplish things we otherwise wouldn't dream of. It forces us out onto those backroads to hunt for the Truth—a path most people never wander unless they've been through their own personal hell. I know I might sound a bit cynical 😁, but I honestly don't know how else to articulate the shifts I've experienced within myself. So many people live in pure misery; so many lose their lives before they ever catch a glimpse of the light. Personally, I feel like I almost checked out for good. This world is designed to teach you nothing but how to inflate your ego, which is just a wasteland that many people crash into blindly. But what lies beneath that surface is damn incredible 🙏 🙏
I'm not talking about some Freudian unconsciousness 🙄 I'm talking about the soul 🙄 😁