Forgiveness: Is it a sign of weakness or strength?

blue bird said:Perhaps what surprises me most is how broadly forgiveness is discussed here, almost as if it were some kind of unconditional 'forgiving'—regardless of the circumstances involved...

Forgiving easily can happen when we haven't even perceived an action as an insult or a wound, but that isn't true forgiveness. Forcing oneself to forgive something that deeply hurt us is merely suppressing our genuine emotions through rationalization just to maintain a temporary sense of peace. Real forgiveness requires time to pass, because one needs space to express and process the pain, sadness, anger, rage, resentment, and hatred before new insights can settle in the mind. It seems to me that the less we force ourselves to forgive, and the more we honor our current feelings, the sooner true peace and resolution with the past will arrive. I have met many people who claim to have forgiven but haven't forgotten, still harboring bitterness and a desire for revenge. I have also experienced this myself, where all the things I thought were forgiven suddenly resurfaced at the slightest trigger. But those are just my own experiences...

By the way, I believe this topic belongs under Psychology, rather than Philosophy.

blue bird said:It seems obvious to me that forgiveness—much like sinning—is just part of being human. I honestly can't imagine how the world would even function without it... my only issue, or perhaps a better way to put it, is the fact that forgiveness is discussed so broadly here—almost as if it’s this unconditional "forgive and forget" concept, regardless of what actually happened...

Well, believers don't really have a choice; they're essentially told they must forgive, otherwise Jesus makes it clear they won't be forgiven themselves. It puts them in a bit of a bind, since forgiving isn't exactly an easy process—but I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself.🙂

Forgiveness certainly makes accepting an apology easier. We can free ourselves and the other person—saving our energy for things we can actually change—but what happens when there is no apology?

If someone hurts us and remains oblivious or simply refuses to own up to it, we might tell ourselves we've forgiven them just to move on. But usually, it only takes one small trigger to realize we haven't truly let go, sending us right back into that exhausting loop of resentment and self-pity. And, occasionally, it leads to retaliation. It’s never too late for a sincere apology, but for that to happen, someone actually has to admit they were wrong—and that's a tall order for most people...

P.S. I see Serena has already posted something along those lines.🙂

David Miller15 said:One forgives primarily for their own sake—to reclaim a sense of personal satisfaction and internal peace. A person left to simmer in hatred and a thirst for vengeance eventually burns themselves out; by choosing to "forgive," they effectively shed those heavy emotions and find some semblance of tranquility. Or, perhaps, one has simply been conditioned to believe that forgiveness is a noble, virtuous act, allowing them to feel a sense of moral superiority through the process. It’s a way to feed one's own ego. Ultimately, forgiveness is an internal negotiation with oneself. Most of the time, the person we are supposedly forgiving isn't even aware of the gesture, let alone impacted by it.

In short, that is my perspective, merely rephrased 🙂

blue bird said:I find it perfectly clear that both forgiveness and sinning are inherent parts of the human experience. Honestly, I can't even fathom how a society would function without them. My actual grievance here—or perhaps it’s more accurate to say my surprise—is simply how often we discuss forgiveness in such broad, sweeping strokes. It's treated almost as this unconditional "just forgive" mantra, regardless of the actual gravity of the offense...

But wasn't the entire discussion initiated in such a generalized tone? It seems to me you've already installed a mental filter that categorizes those who forgive as "good," while those who struggle to do so, or refuse entirely, are labeled as "bad." It’s as if there’s an implicit assumption that anyone advocating for forgiveness is merely playing the part of some self-righteous moralist.

As for my own perspective...
In my relatively short time on this planet, I've noticed that forgiveness comes quite naturally to me. The stance I shared earlier in this thread isn't some ethical dogma forced upon me by external standards; rather, it’s something that emerged from me analyzing why I react this way. People have actually called me "crazy" for it, claiming they could "never" do what I do. It is simply how I am wired...

So, there is a less generalized viewpoint, if that holds any value at all. 😬

sanjana said:Forgiveness is really about our relationship with ourselves. More often than not, the person we’re forgiving isn't even affected by it—and frankly, they might not even care.

Victims tend to crave confrontation with those who hurt them; they feel this need to speak their truth, whether the other person wants to hear it or is looking for absolution or not.

Having been on both sides of the coin—both giving and receiving forgiveness—I find myself unable to agree with the idea that the recipient remains untouched by our decision to forgive.

Once you forgive, the hate just disappears. It’s definitely healthier to let things go if we can manage it. Of course, how hard it is really depends on how much someone hurt you. To get to that point, I think you need a good amount of empathy—both for yourself and for the other person. But here’s the real question: do we look at someone who can forgive even the "unforgivable" as being weak? Honestly, don't get bogged down in debating what's actually unforgivable or not. The real issue is whether you're going to judge someone by saying, "I could never do that," or "You're being an idiot."

Galatea said:If you forgive, hatred ceases to exist. It’s simply healthier to let go—provided we can. Of course, how difficult that is depends entirely on the depth of the wound. To truly forgive, we need empathy—for ourselves and for others. But there's a catch: do we view someone capable of forgiving the "unforgivable" as weak? Don't get bogged down in debating what is or isn't forgivable; the real question is whether you'll look at someone and think, "I could never," or just call them a fool.

The inability to forgive is precisely the kind of weakness that hijacks our lives—trapping us in a permanent state of victimhood. We end up walking around with an open wound we don't know how to close. People who have lost loved ones to acts of violence often struggle with whether they even *should* forgive the unforgivable; they rarely even allow themselves to consider it—even if their faith nudges them toward it—because they crave justice, thinking it will bring peace. Usually, though, it doesn't—not even after a death sentence or full retribution. Forgiveness is a psychological necessity—a way to reclaim control over our own existence. I previously mentioned that interacting with the offender matters, because without that connection, true forgiveness often stays out of reach. It's worth noting that the Pope faced his would-be assassin and didn't just settle things quietly in his room, as some might suggest. If the perpetrator retains any shred of humanity, they can actually aid in this grueling, yet vital, process. We should keep that in mind—after all, we've all played the role of the wrongdoer at some point.

Pomona said:Victims often struggle with facing those who hurt them, longing to speak their truth regardless of whether the offender is actually seeking forgiveness.

This effort is futile if the "wrongdoer" feels no remorse and has no desire to be forgiven.

As someone who has both offered and received forgiveness, I can't agree with the idea that the person being forgiven isn't touched by the act at all.

That only happens if there is a mutual desire for reconciliation. Forgiveness works when the "wrongdoer" is truly repentant and wants peace, and the "victim" wants to release the weight of their emotions. However, more often than not, the "wrongdoer" lacks remorse entirely and firmly believes they did nothing wrong—in those cases, the victim's forgiveness won't affect them one bit.

NO MERCY!!!
Forgiveness is just weakness.
If someone slaps you, don't bother turning the other cheek.
An eye for an eye. Tooth for a tooth.

William Williams27 said:NO MERCY!!!
Forgiveness is just weakness.
If someone slaps you, don't just turn the other cheek!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

One eye, then another... one tooth, then two, then three... how far does this go?

Galatea said:One eye, then the other. One tooth, then another, then a third... when does this end?

Not until there aren't any eyes, teeth, legs, arms, or body parts left.

seco_almighty said:NO FORGIVENESS!!!
Forgiveness is just weakness.
If someone slaps you on one cheek, don't bother turning the other!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Maybe do a little reading: "an eye for an eye" isn't some excuse for mindless vendettas; it's about ensuring the retribution actually matches the offense.

Spot Perdita said:Maybe do some reading. "An eye for an eye" doesn't mean you get to commit murder; it means retribution should be proportional to the offense.

I don't interpret the proverb that way. My education isn't the issue here.

Goranbo said:Actually, if someone forgives the person who wronged them, the karmic consequences that individual has to face will be lessened—that’s what esotericist Benjamin Creme claims, anyway. So, forgiving someone is actually a good thing for the person doing the forgiving, in several different ways.

Well, thanks a million, Goranbo!

So, now I finally get it—if we decide NOT to forgive some absolute psychopath who spends his days killing and slaughtering, then he'll just have to come back around again. But since we've all gone ahead and forgiven him over the course of countless lifetimes, he gets this lovely little karmic "clean slate" thanks to our generosity, allowing him to just keep on swinging his axe and murdering people like nothing ever happened.
I mean, I guess you probably thought that by us being forgiving, that same person would somehow become a better human being in their next incarnation—maybe even save them from being reborn at all? Hmm... interesting theory. Not bad, I suppose... 🙏

1. If love isn't just some fleeting rush of emotion, then what the hell is it actually...

2. I've been thinking about how much weight we carry around... how does it actually feel deep down when you finally decide to forgive someone, versus that heavy, suffocating sensation of holding onto a grudge forever?

Druid said:Love isn't an emotion. It might show up through emotions, but it isn't one. Love and being "in love" are two completely different things.

As for the topic itself, I don't really feel like getting into it. People keep acting like I'm trying to be some deep philosopher, but let's be real—it’s hardly high philosophy 😁 😉.

You aren't exactly a saint yourself, 😉
so stop pulling metaphors out of thin air.
You aren't philosophizing; you're just being critical. 😁

sanjana said:Forgiving easily? Please. You can "forgive" something that didn't even feel like an insult or a wound, but let’s call that what it actually is: not forgiveness at all. Forcing yourself to forgive something that truly cut you deep is just suppressing your real emotions. It's rationalizing the pain just to maintain a fake sense of peace or immediate satisfaction. Real forgiveness takes time. You need time to actually express and process the pain, the sadness, the anger, the fury, the hurt, and the hatred before any new realizations can settle in your mind. It seems to me that the less we force ourselves to forgive—the more we actually honor our current feelings—the sooner true peace and resolution with the past will arrive. I’ve met so many people who claim they've forgiven but haven't forgotten, and instead, they just simmer with bitterness and a desire for revenge. I've been there myself; sometimes all it takes is one little trigger for everything I thought I had forgiven to come rushing back out. But hey, that's just my experience...

Anyway, I feel like this belongs in Psychology, not Philosophy.

Those are experiences we all share since we're made of the same stuff. It's just that while we can dress up our physical bodies, we can't really package or control our spiritual growth. It's invisible to the eye, so we end up just presenting a polished version of ourselves to the world.😁

rustymaker5 said:It feels like the less we force ourselves to move on, the more we just lean into our own current thoughts and feelings, the sooner that FORGIVENESS actually shows up... and once it does, that’s when we finally find some peace and settle things with the past.

.

Exactly. You can't force forgiveness, because if you have to muscle through it, then it isn't actually real... it's just performative.
Only when that reaction becomes your default state—something simple, something natural that leaves your heart quiet and free from all those lingering echoes—then, and only then, does letting go become a part of who you are... it stops being this heavy obligation or this constant struggle, and it just becomes another way you exist and interact with everything around you.

Sean Cook2 said:It’s quite common—when dealing with the "offender"—to find not just a lack of remorse, but a genuine conviction that they did nothing wrong and would likely do it all over again. In those cases, any attempt at forgiveness from the victim doesn't really land.

They can even be caught off guard by the fallout when a victim actually speaks their truth and offers forgiveness. I don't think there are truly that many monsters out there without a shred of conscience left...

Galatea said:In order to truly forgive, we need enough empathy—not just for ourselves, but for others as well.

If you look closely enough at a culprit, you usually end up finding a victim.