Posts by Donna White50

Michael Diaz6 said:I don't know... I still don't see how this makes me selfish...
Sometimes you just don't have the energy, but you can't even turn your back on people...
Here’s an example...
For years now, I've been doing hair for my family members... look, I'm not a professional stylist, but I've got a knack for it, so why not...
Soon it spread to some friends and neighbors...
I figured, okay... you know... I don't charge them, it doesn't even cross my mind. I know what things are like right now and it's easy for me to do...
But now it's spread through the whole town.
It's always something—go dye your neighbor's hair, or help some local kids get ready before school...
The peak is the old guys who still want me to give them a shave on the go 🙂
I get home from work... I'd love to just crash, but nope...

Then there's "can you watch the kids?"

Or "help out in the garden," which isn't a big deal for me...
Or "run to Target for me, lady..."
Then there's this guy who's falling apart because of a breakup... or that woman who's totally spiraling...
And that third one, God knows what she wants...
😂 Honestly, I'd rather just stop feeling sorry for everyone and be mean, just tell them all to fuck off...

But I can't...
I think to myself, "Look, I'm young, he's old, damn it... no, I just can't do that." If I did, I'd feel so terrible that I'd probably end up apologizing for not being able to do something.

And at work...
People asking for favors, swapping shifts, working when it's not even my scheduled time...
Screw it...

It's easy to say no, but when I see someone actually struggling... I always end up thinking, "Whatever, screw it, I'll rest when I'm dead anyway."

Since I work retail at a grocery store... man... the seniors have a thousand different requests, and it's not just that... those poor souls just want someone to talk to since they're lonely...
So you listen, even when you're not really in the mood because it gets exhausting... but whatever... it's not like I'm gonna die...

And so...
Anyway... yeah... I wish I could be the type of person who could just say fuck off. It would be easier to accept myself if I didn't force myself to be "better" all the time...

So now, after work, I'm heading out to do stuff that isn't even for me, even though I'm exhausted... what a crappy day.

Does it actually feel good having all these people hovering around you? A hundred people, everyone praising you, saying you're amazing, a great friend, a lifesaver, or "thanks for coloring my hair for free for five years, you're such a sweetheart"... blah blah blah...
It's a lot...
And you become a slave to that feeling...
You don't have the strength to say no because you know exactly what would happen...
You wouldn't be the center of attention anymore, you wouldn't be showered with compliments, and you wouldn't be building this house of cards based on the fact that OTHERS ARE USING YOU. And once they can't use you anymore, you'll be the worst person in the world—they'll say anything about you just to justify the fact that they *owe* you services, so they can label you a jerk for not providing them for free...
You'll never get that appreciation back because it isn't coming from sincerity, it's coming from opportunism. It's nice to be polite and hold the door for an old man walking into a shop, but you shouldn't be a pushover carrying his groceries all the way home for free...
Either way, it's going to drain you because you're giving yourself away to others...
You're afraid that if you say no, you won't exist, but the truth is the exact opposite: you'll finally find yourself. Because other people use your freedom—they take it from you just to give it to themselves. Freedom is the most precious thing you have in life, so it's up to you...😛

Michael Diaz6 said:Then you really are hot and cold.

To be fair, I'm the same way. When I'm with my partner, I totally melt and lose... well, a bit of myself... to that love.
Get what I mean? I think most of us do... 😂

Plus, I have this weird quirk where if I see anyone struggling, even a little, I basically absorb their problem.
I literally go looking for people who need help. I surround myself with broken people and underdogs just because I want to fix them.
I can't stand seeing someone in a crowd looking down, or I start feeling this massive wave of pity, and then I'm immediately buzzing around them trying to make them laugh. No one is allowed to be sad around me. If I can't help, even in a tiny way, I feel like crap...
I’ll end up calling people and organizing whole damn rescue missions for them.
And because I'm this sensitive, I'll tear up at a sad song or a depressing movie...
People don't see my real flaws.
Not that it matters to them anyway.
There's zero benefit for me... except I can sleep peacefully and avoid feeling guilty.
I'd fly across the country to help you if you were in a bad spot.
But for myself? I wouldn't do 2% of that.

That's rough.. I used to be exactly like that too.. my therapist tells me it actually stems from selfishness—altruism mostly comes from self-interest, true altruists are pretty rare. You want to help others just to boost your own value—that's just egoism.
Not anymore, though. Now I mostly focus on myself and I feel way better. At least I'm not wasting energy on people who don't deserve it or doing a Sisyphus job; now I try to please myself and build up my own confidence.
First fact: you can't actually help anyone else; they can only help themselves. You can give advice, or let them soak up some good vibes by hanging out with you, but it isn't your job to make people happy—they have to do that themselves since they're responsible for their own emotional state...

The fact that you neglect yourself is another huge issue—you shouldn't be doing that. You always have to put yourself first. If you have the willpower and the energy left over after taking care of yourself, then you can give it to others and work on deepening your connections—not like me, where I turned inward and only graze the surface of my relationships whenever it suits me.

The upside of narcissism is you feed off others instead of letting them feed off you. Playing the victim and having low self-esteem is a terrible way to live, at least for me—you have zero control over your own life when everyone else is just pushing you around...

It's worth noting that both of these are essentially two bad extremes; neither leads to a balanced life. A narcissist falls apart if they aren't the center of attention or if things aren't going their way—they're fragile personalities who need masks and armor to protect themselves from the world, because deep down, they're just incredibly sad and wounded..

Michael Diaz6 said:Honestly... I’ve definitely used narcissism as a way to rebuild my confidence during my low points. But even then, I do it to make others feel better, not myself...

If there weren't other people around...
I could spend my whole life stuck in my own little bubble without ever having to fight for anything.
Just stay in my room... let it all go... honestly, who cares...
It’s my love for others that keeps me moving...
Even at my absolute worst, I can't bring myself to actually hurt anyone.
Even when I have to be tough, I stop and think if the other person can actually handle it without breaking...

I could never get into a physical fight. Not because I’m scared of getting hit, but because I’m afraid I’ll hit too hard.

At the end of the day, I’ve got nerves of steel...
The only thing that bends is my path and my thoughts...
Someone else would lose their mind living in my skin, but I just have this coldness...
from being so used to dealing with problems.

They say strong people strike gently...

But self-love isn't something you can hold onto with the same intensity forever...
at least not for me..
Even when I’m acting narcissistic, it’s not coming from a dark place...

The most negative thing about me is that I don't even know how to be negative.

Personally, I love seeing people happy and helping them out, but not necessarily because I’m some saint—it’s more about protecting myself from bad vibes. Call me a selfish narcissist if you want, but I’m mostly chasing my own satisfaction—emotional, physical, whatever—and other people are just tools I use to make sure I stay feeling good... or at least, not bad.
Bad emotions just gross me out, honestly.
I only get blunt with people if they mess with my dignity or my personal space; otherwise, if I'm not feeling someone, I just ghost them without a second thought. I mostly stick to surface-level relationships that don't demand much responsibility, deep thinking, or constant attention...
I know I should try to change that, BUT these are just my defense mechanisms...
The only person I give genuine, full-throttle love to is my partner—with her, I’m 100% in.
I don't think I'm "strong," I've just learned how to endure like a beast... and that's not strength, it's just running away from reality instead of facing things head-on. Real strength is actually being the opposite of how I just described myself...

Michael Diaz6 said:Look...
Sometimes I realize I’m not perfect and that I’ve got flaws. But I also get that I don't *have* to be perfect—that I'm a whole person, warts and all.

Other times, though, all I see are my mistakes. I can't find a single good thing about myself, or if I do, the bad stuff just feels way heavier.

Then there are those moments where I really want to be better and I actually fight for it...
I trip up, sure, but the drive is still there. I’m constantly pushing to improve, hoping one day I'll finally be able to shake off everything I hate about myself.

I’m not out here hurting anyone else. My flaws are self-destructive; they only ever hurt me.
It’s a clear sign that I haven't made peace with who I am yet.

I can't honestly say I love myself all the time.
Honestly, I feel the most self-love when I stop thinking about myself entirely—like when I'm busy taking care of someone else or just getting lost in a project.

I look pretty average, but when I'm feeling low, I end up feeling ugly, and that really trashes my confidence.

The truth is... my life feels like one long struggle to find some peace of mind.
A friend once told me that the song "hot and cold" perfectly describes my vibe.
I feel like I'll be working on myself and grinding forever, never truly finding that inner calm...
but hey... that's just me. That's how I am.
There are stretches where I'm at my absolute best...
but they always rotate with these dark periods where I just shut down and withdraw.
And it never ends.

I’ve always wondered... what would it be like to actually feel stable all the time?
I can't even imagine it...
So it’s just this cycle of loving myself and hating myself...
an endless loop of shifting back and forth.

That's just because you're such a balancer...😛
You're always caught between two extremes—chasing things that aren't even real, making everyone else happy while you're basically struggling to help yourself...🤔
Honestly, I'm at my best when I lean into that narcissistic side—people say that's a bad thing, but hey, maybe it isn't for everyone... some people are just built that way...

Jacob Long said:Accepting yourself—in my book—doesn't mean you just ignore your flaws... or stay stagnant

It basically just means embracing your imperfect self and choosing to love who you are, both now and tomorrow

But what if you love those imperfections enough that they actually drive you to go out and fix them...?

If I actually liked who I was, I probably wouldn't be sitting here in therapy trying to force it to happen.🕺
It’s more about how I can't stand my own feelings—the bad moods, the feeling of failing at things, the imperfections, certain parts of my sexuality, and just all that stuff... it's endless.
I honestly don't know if I'll ever get to a place where I truly accept and love myself—I mean, I was never really taught how to do that in the first place... we'll see...

goldentinker70 said:Even so, I’m still playing for The straight squad—that hasn't changed. ☕

That’s the way to do it... 👍
You'll be in peak shape in just a couple of months...🤣

goldentinker70 said:😉
Empathy works wonders—women fall for it instantly 😂
I definitely played my cards right here

So, what are we talking about—am I a looker like Charlie Sheen?
Or more like the guy in my avatar?

Wait, didn't you say you weren't really into women...🤣
🍿

goldentinker70 said:I’m not sure if this belongs under psychology or divorce forums

The thing is, the melancholy following my divorce has taken on a worrying, almost unbearable weight. 🙂 I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin 🙂 It isn't depression—I don't view it as a clinical condition—but it isn't exactly pleasant either. It feels... well, right on the edge of hopelessness. 😲

I know psychotherapy can help, and I am actively working on that. 😁

So, what's the core issue?
Being solo is hard. It's awkward, frustrating, cold, grueling, nasty, grim, terrible, empty, boring... I’d much rather have a partner.
And why I don't have one is perfectly clear to me.
I'm not complaining just to complain, but it seems I am trapped by my own self-image, which apparently refuses to change.

Essentially, I just don't have the strength to jump back into a relationship. Sure, I could find a suitable woman if I wanted to. But I'm not looking. I simply don't have the energy for the whole "getting to know someone" dance or going on dates; I have zero desire to socialize beyond grabbing a coffee here and there with a friend. I have no drive for the "hunt," and even something like speed dating wouldn't work—meeting people requires an engagement that I currently lack the will, the strength, and the energy to provide.

Secondly, I won't settle for superficial connections. That's just not who I am. I'm an emotionalist, not Charlie Sheen. I don't wish I were him, and I accept myself as I am. I'm not better or worse than Charlie Sheen; I'm just different. Consequently, shallow flings don't interest me, no matter how popular or recommended they might be these days. I can't do it, and I don't want to. That's just how it is.

And so, we find ourselves back at the start.
I am alone.
I don't like it.
I don't have the strength to build something new.
I don't want anything superficial.

The only light at the end of the tunnel is the realization that this state of being cannot last forever.
Once I sort myself out and regenerate,
I can move forward and look for something new.

As for how long this absolute mess will continue—only God knows. 🤷

PS
Today marks four months since the divorce was officially finalized.

I totally get it—being an emotional guy and being alone is rough, and you described it perfectly. You really feel like you need that other half, like life just feels empty without it

Just give yourself some grace, man. A divorce and all the mess that comes with it takes time to process and move past... we're talking years, not just months, my friend. If you aren't feeling ready to look for someone new, don't force it. You'll just end up disappointed because it's pretty obvious you aren't quite ready to turn the page yet. The split was recent, it's all still fresh and it still hurts, so it makes sense that you're feeling down
But hey, just because you aren't ready for love doesn't mean you should just sit around the house wallowing in misery. Now is actually your chance to focus on your own needs and what *you* want. Dive into that—find ways to be happier with yourself, and trust me, love will find its way back when you've made room for it
The worst thing you can do right now is just dig a hole and stay there complaining about your luck. I know people who do that, and it’s a straight shot to depression. Don't let yourself go there. Since you're more sensitive, the sadness can really drag you under if you aren't careful... you need some positive stuff in your life to keep your head above water

So, seriously, get off the couch. Get out there—hang with friends, pick up a hobby, throw yourself into work, meet new people, or just explore something new that interests you. Once your confidence starts building back up, that urge to meet someone new will just happen naturally...😉

wanderingotter53 said:I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?

Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

Christian Johnson19 said:I’m stuck in a job I absolutely hate, but hey, who asked me? Every time I make a tiny mistake at work, I start spiraling. I’ll be sitting there overthinking everything—wondering if I’m getting fired, what my coworkers will say, what the boss thinks, or how much gossip is going to fly around the office. My role is super niche and high-demand, so honestly, they probably won't fire me anytime soon, but the anxiety is still real. It feels like everyone at the firm is just waiting for someone to slip up so they can have something to talk about. Even though I moved to a big city like NYC, I haven't really outgrown this habit of worrying about what people think. The truth is, I make these mistakes because I'm lazy and I just can't bring myself to care about this work. Sometimes I dream about starting something totally new, but that initial spark always dies out after a few weeks. Man, this is a whole spectrum of issues. I'm struggling to handle it all. Any advice? Thanks

Look, humans mess up. Even if those corporate "perfection" slogans sound good, it's totally normal to make mistakes at work. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it—if you dwell on it too much, the anxiety will just kill your focus and cause *more* mistakes...

Advice:
Always double-check your work. Like, before hitting send on an email, read it twice—make sure you typed the right name, used the right subject line, and included a proper sign-off. That goes for everything you do. Give yourself time for a final review and make "checking, checking, and checking again" your absolute golden rule.
When you get a task, do some initial quality control first. Verify that the info you were given is actually right, check if anything is missing, or if something seems sketchy...
Get organized and tackle the high-priority stuff first. No matter how hard it is to get moving, just force yourself to dive in like your life depends on it...
Just take things one step at a time.
And hey, when you finish a job well and you've put in the effort, try to leverage that. People forget this part all the time—they focus so much on the grind that they forget to highlight their own wins. They neglect their career growth, while Jack and Jill from the other department might not work half as hard as you, but the boss likes them more because they know how to speak up and present themselves well.
Self-presentation matters just as much as actually doing the work.
Don't sweat the coworkers too much. Just focus on yourself, your tasks, and your own success—but don't be the odd one out who stays totally isolated, either...

Honestly, it sounds like your issues stem from a lack of confidence and relying way too much on external validation. Working a job you hate is a huge hurdle, too—it's hard to grow positively in an environment that drains you, especially when work isn't giving you any motivation...

It’s tough to find the perfect job these days, so most of us end up grinding through stuff we don't love. Just tell yourself life is unfair for now, and deal with it until you find something better...

When you mess up, or just generally in a corporate setting, learn to manage the fallout. Don't throw yourself under the bus, and don't carry everyone else's mistakes on your shoulders—that'll kill you eventually. If you make a mistake, try to find a reasonable explanation rather than immediately declaring yourself the villain. Being brutally honest won't get you a standing ovation, and bosses rarely see self-flagellation as a positive trait. Leave the extreme honesty and caring about everyone else at the office door...😉

Jerry Evans2 said:I don't really talk to my wife about any of this, and even if she does ask, I don't exactly give her the full truth—I usually just try to steer the conversation somewhere else.
She can tell I'm struggling, I suppose, but I haven't really noticed any real effort on her part to push me toward self-improvement or anything like that... We just tend to sweep all our darkness under the rug, letting it get buried beneath the weight of our daily routines. My mornings are spent dropping my little guy off at daycare, then picking him up after work, heading over to the local park for a bit, and then getting started on dinner. My wife works such late hours, sometimes getting home around 10:00 PM, occasionally midnight, or even later... and it just keeps going like that, day after day.
Everyone at the park seems to be in such a positive headspace; I mean, I’m sure they have their own struggles too, but their constant shining just makes me feel even more distant from them.
Looking back at your responses, I guess I have to admit that I am actually ready for some professional help, because trying to find these answers on my own is starting to warp how I see everything, including my own mental state...

Look, that bolded part? It just isn't working. You know how you are—you tend to bottle everything up inside, you aren't really the type to go around complaining or airing out your feelings to the world. But being able to speak up here as an anonymous user... honestly, that was a good thing for you, just letting people in on what you're dealing with. That’s kind of the whole point of an emotional vent, right? To let that tension from all those negative vibes finally break so they stop weighing you down. By doing it this way, you didn't actually release anything, and in the end, that's what wrecked you. It's like watching a boxer just take punch after punch without swinging back, only to finish the fight with a broken nose, a cracked orbital, and blood everywhere... just pure pain wherever you touch...

So, this thing with my wife... if you feel like you just can't get a word in edgewise—like she totally misses the mark when it comes to actually caring about how you feel, or even worse, won't nudge you to talk about what's bothering you—that’s probably the root of all your marriage problems right there...
Look, there’s no denying that with our sensitive little feelings, we basically have to figure things out on our own sometimes—because let's be real, you can't just kill your partner with a thousand tiny cuts every single day... That said, the whole point of having a partner is for them to actually back you up, love you, and get you—to be that person you can share both the highs and the lows with. It’s totally normal to give your wife a hug or a kiss, but it’s definitely not healthy—for either of you—to keep all those negative emotions bottled up. If something is bugging you, or if you're feeling frustrated or just plain crappy about something, you've gotta say it. If you just keep sweeping everything under the rug, you end up exactly where you are right now...

I’m telling you this from firsthand experience because it’s exactly how I roll—I’m a total softie who has a really hard time actually speaking my mind to people... honestly, it’s trashed my life a bit, but I’m still pushing through it since there isn't really any other way to go about it. That's why I've started seeing a therapist, just trying to learn how to finally set things straight and put everything where it belongs...

Quick tip—if you're looking for a psychiatrist, definitely ask around about who's actually good in New York City and specifically who offers group therapy... honestly, that’ll probably be the most helpful thing for you. You want to avoid those types who just hand you a prescription and say, "Here, take these pills and you'll be fine." That's not it. If you're feeling this low, it isn't just because of a sudden loss—it's more about those deeper emotional stuff that needs some real work...

Look, I’m saying it again—a partner isn't supposed to be some corporate shark you bring on board just to boost the bottom line... they're there to ride the highs and lows right alongside you. If you don't have that kind of person in your corner, you really have to wonder what the point of any of this is. Honestly, it sounds like your fears are bubbling up because you've realized you're feeling emotionally drained—kind of like you're losing your footing and can't seem to steady yourself. It’s tough when you can't find your own way out of the funk, and even harder when you feel like you can't turn to your partner for a little empathy or a helping hand. I'm guessing you're stuck in this brutal loop where you're feeling vulnerable, losing your grip on things, and craving some actual support... but you're terrified that if you actually open up and show that side of yourself, you might end up losing your family too...

Look, just take care of your health—it’s seriously the most important thing you've got going for you. You gotta start putting yourself first and thinking about your own well-being way more often... because honestly, nobody else is gonna step up and do that for you...

Jerry Evans2 said:Hey there!
Since I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this right now, I figured I’d just write it all down, and maybe putting it into words might help a little bit.
Foreclosure—what an ugly word. Back in 2008 and 2009, whether you were watching local news or international outlets, everyone had that one dreaded word in their headlines: "crisis!" Everyone was saying the crisis was coming and things were going to get bad. I guess I didn't pay much attention at the time, mostly because I had a solid, steady job. Then, toward the end of 2009, my son was born, and honestly, it felt like one thing after another went wrong. Not long after he arrived, my company started feeling the squeeze, and that stability I relied on just began to melt away. My paycheck started running late, then eventually got cut, and to make matters worse, my wife's employer laid her off due to downsizing—and since we were renting, our landlord wasn't exactly sympathetic to those kinds of struggles. With a newborn, an unemployed wife, and a salary of around $3,000, life gets incredibly difficult very fast. We finally made the call to leave Indianapolis and move to Washington, D.C.—basically flying blind. Looking back, I doubt I'd ever have the guts to do that again, but somehow, I managed to land a new job within a month, and we were back on our feet.
After about six months, we were finally starting to adjust to the new surroundings and our new life. However, the fallout from having absolutely no income for two months started to catch up with us. Before long, we hit our first bank freeze that basically swallowed my entire paycheck, and that’s when the true nightmare begins—the kind of nightmare only people who have dealt with legal financial freezes can truly understand. Our plan to get my wife a job and find childcare for our little one completely fell apart. For the first couple of years, it was just endless paperwork and red tape, and once we cleared that hurdle, we were hit with health issues for our child, and shortly after, for my wife too.

We were spiraling financially; every single month seemed to be harder than the last. But I guess I handled it better than most, because I stayed surprisingly calm and rational through it all. People I knew used to look at me with such confusion and admiration, asking things like, "Man, how are you not losing your mind?" or "With everything going on, you seem totally fine!" I suppose that was one small silver lining that kept me focused and pushed me to scrape by on a single paycheck, making sure to cover the rent and utilities before seeing if there was anything left for food—we definitely weren't buying new clothes. It was a brutal stretch, really tough, especially without any close friends or family nearby to lean on for help.
Toward the end of last year, we finally got our kid into daycare, and honestly, it felt like the sun finally broke through the clouds! It created the opening my wife needed to find work. And she did!
She has a great job with a good salary now. And so do I! Almost all our old worries have vanished, and after five years of constant struggle, the obstacles that seemed so immovable just sort of melted away.
But here’s the strange part: instead of feeling happy and lighthearted now that things are stable, I feel this weird, lingering fear of life. It feels like I have more anxieties than ever, even though, objectively speaking, I don't. That heavy weight I carried—the pressure of being solely responsible for providing for and feeding my family—it's gone. Everything is exactly as it should be, but I'm just not myself anymore.
My wife comes home from work, full of energy and happy, and I meet her with a smile that usually fades within two minutes. She’ll be talking away, and I’ll just find myself staring right through her, staying quiet and withdrawn. I'm closed off; nothing brings me joy or excitement, and I tend to take everything for granted, which isn't fair to her at all. It’s almost like I’m angry at everything, even though I don't express it outwardly. I don't know the clinical term for it—maybe it's depression, or some kind of aftershock from the trauma, or whatever. I just feel lost in time, like I'm standing still and spreading this cloud of apathy everywhere. I try to laugh, but I get this lump in my throat, my stomach starts churning, and this wave of nervousness hits me, leaving me feeling distant and pathetic. I want to be happy; I want to enjoy life with my wonderful wife, because what's the point of her success if she can't share it with me? I feel like I'm pushing her away. I want to change, I want to actually enjoy ourselves, but I just can't seem to move forward. I still don't have many friends, just acquaintances.
Anyway, to wrap up this long story, she's at work and I really should get started on dinner, so I'll head out.
I actually feel a bit of relief just having written this all out; I know hardly anyone is going to read this rambling, depressing vent. My only goal was to get it out of my system. I would really value hearing anyone's thoughts on this.
Anyway, take care, everyone!

Just hang in there, man. You've been through an incredibly rough patch lately.
Don't go thinking we're all made of steel, especially guys who feel like they're supposed to be the "strong, silent type." Every trauma leaves a mark on us—you just have to accept that.

The issue for guys like you is often how we express things—usually in a negative way. Look, you went through hell. During all that chaos, your wife was likely voicing her feelings, even if it was just venting about how hard things were, how you'd feed the kids, pay the rent, or just survive that nightmare. She let those emotions out. I'm guessing you didn't. It's fine to be a brave, steady guy, but you aren't made of stone, man. You have every right to be worried, to have bad days, or to feel hopeless.

How much do you actually talk about your headspace with your wife? Are you afraid or embarrassed to show her the emotional struggles you're dealing with? And are you even sure what you're feeling or why? Try to figure out what specifically triggers you... it could be anything. Maybe it's the thought that life feels fundamentally unstable, or the fear of going through that trauma again, or even just the guilt of feeling like a "weak link" because she's doing okay while you're stuck in this negativity...

That deep heaviness or depression? That's just a buildup of all those negative emotions you've been bottling up inside. It's like a septic infection where you can't pinpoint the exact cause, but you know something is seriously wrong.

If you need to, go see a therapist. If it helps to know, I'm a married guy in my mid-30s, successful by most standards, and I'm back in psychotherapy myself because of stuff from my childhood that's still holding me back as an adult. I have to deal with it.
Life eventually calls us to settle all our debts, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's just something that needs fixing—you haven't processed your emotions in a healthy way yet, so they're still haunting you... You're a brave guy, so don't let that "men must always be strong and positive" mantra destroy you.

Maybe do a little reading up on bipolar disorder...
If it’s actually dragging down someone's quality of life, they really ought to look into getting some treatment...

ironrider11 said:While you're just drifting through life, everything stays subtle and unknown... living without any real substance keeps people stuck in that loop. It’s almost worth it. Especially when that constant "searching," which starts as pure impulse, eventually just turns into exhaustion. Suddenly, trying to find value in anything feels like it has an expiration date. We’re all just spreading like mold or fungi... while things like "logic, wisdom, or purpose"... are buried somewhere deep in extreme individualism. Paradox.

"The sooner you realize you've only got yourself, and that you need to find comfort within (or in God), the better off you'll be."

If that's the motto we're going by, I have no idea how anyone manages not to be depressed.
I guess you also have to love this fake version of yourself... this persona that was designed and molded specifically to satisfy the need to interact with "others." Those old-school others who abandoned the whole "God, humanism, empathy" platform... those future others who don't even exist for me... and these current others who live by the "you're on your own" mantra... It’s just collective schizophrenia; I'd say that fits the "phrase" perfectly...

Collective values among 7.3 billion individuals, where everyone wants to be their own little universe—where everything revolves strictly around their own rotation, cycles, and forces... and anything else is just a nuisance, a threat, or an obstacle...?

Here's one, retrobigcity.. 🤦

Every single one of those 7.3 billion people is an individual, a tiny universe unto themselves. We only ever touch on a tiny fraction of what’s conscious or understandable—even if we speak the same language and can talk about ourselves and from ourselves... We’re basically like those coyotes you hear howling at night; if you even get a response, that’s a win. The true shape and form is hidden away—we only let a tiny bit of it out. What we see when looking at another human being isn't really aligned with how that person sees themselves from the outside or the inside. Like, when someone says their stomach hurts and we don't feel it—that's when you realize just how isolated we are in our own little universes...
We’re alone. We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone—that's just a fact... that sense of intimacy and being understood? That's purely our own illusion...

Lawrence Bailey77 said:.. perhaps ☕

For years now, I have been listening to people during those rare moments of true, raw communication... though, most of the time, these conversations are just a parade of worn-out clichés and brainwashed opinions lacking any semblance of critical thought—not to mention a total absence of actual reflection

There is this one unargued phrase that keeps repeating itself

"It isn't worth it"... whether they mean it isn't worth the irritation, or the time, or the money, or some tenth other thing... I suppose it should be obvious to you all... if it truly isn't, then just give ☕

Meanwhile, I have spent upwards of 30 years observing... watching how people act, how they conduct themselves... analyzing it (which I don't see as a flaw, provided one actually uses their brain), and reflecting on it..

Is life really "easier" if nothing holds value? If nothing is ever sought after? Because, frankly, I haven't encountered anyone who finds anything genuinely valuable... to them, everything is simply "not worth it"

I am speaking about that primal level of truth, when you look someone in the eye... amidst the lies, the history of deception, and the constant persuasion toward falsehood... in that vision of the human being, I find no sense of value, and they seem to confirm this through both their actions and their words... that they essentially possess no concept of what is worthwhile

whereas a sense of worthlessness seems to be everywhere☕

The question is quite simple;

.. what is actually worth something?!

You're only truly valuable to yourself, so just focus on that..
Forget about everyone else. Don't even try to understand them, because you can't really get inside someone else's head—it's like trying to figure out what your dog is thinking. People are good or bad depending on your perspective and the situation, so just set some boundaries and define your own expectations. If you realize your expectations of people are way too high, just adjust them..

In today's world, nothing has any fixed value except for what lives in your head and mine. Everything shifts—you change, people change, the whole thing changes. This craving for something solid and permanent usually just comes from your own insecurity and fear. It's like you've fallen into a flash flood and you're desperately trying to grab onto some pole that's sturdy enough to tie yourself to so you won't drown. But that doesn't exist, man... there's zero guarantee you'll wake up healthy tomorrow, or that life will even look the way you planned. The sooner you realize you've only got yourself and you need to find comfort within (or in God), the better off you'll be. Let others be. Interact with them as much as you want or need to, depending on the person, but don't stress about the rest. Just let it flow, it makes living a lot easier... Don't go looking for a solid rock in a swamp, you won't find it. Just try not to sink...

Olivia Garcia7 said:One major roadblock to moving forward:

I’ll dive into a new relationship, and after a while, I realize it isn't working. I just say it plainly—I don't want to continue.

It happened to me before. And then, she lashed out, calling me a jerk and telling me I was trash, saying she’d rather just die than deal with how miserable she felt because of me.

I didn't do anything to her; I didn't cheat or act disrespectfully. I simply said, "I don't think this is right for me."

Now, I see that potential reaction in everyone, so I tend to stay away.

As for this one who won't let it go... I asked myself some hard questions: Could I grow old with her? Would I want to live by her side if we were struggling financially or dealing with poor health? Did I actually want to wake up next to her every single morning? I made my choice, and the answer to all of those was no.

In the end, she decided to swap me out like a pair of shoes that just went out of style...

Look, you have every right to be pissed at her... but she also has the right to run her life however she wants, whether that includes you or not..
Just accept that you don't get to control anyone else's life. Everything you do in dating is because *you* want to do it—you have the right to make choices that she, or anyone else, might not like.. Nobody can guarantee you'll spend a lifetime with any girl, or even just three months together. People just try things out, and if they vibe, it works long-term. But people leave even the most solid relationships because of work, illness, or just bad luck. I think you're over-idealizing what a relationship should be because you're scared of getting hurt, so you're looking for something perfect, smooth, and totally logical that lasts forever. Stop living in a movie, man. In the US, every third marriage falls apart, yet plenty of people stick together through all the mess, cheating, and pain... very few paths are ever perfectly smooth. Life is a struggle on all fronts, you gotta get used to that..
If you aren't ready for that reality, then don't get involved, otherwise it’s just gonna wreck you...

Lisa Morales4 said:The main thing is not to rely solely on myself. A person simply cannot do anything without God.

To me, "working on oneself" sounds a bit like applying a cosmetic face mask, or even just self-indulgence. Taking care of your face gives you a sense of satisfaction and security. I actually started taking this very seriously back in my high school days; I used to own more creams, tonics, nourishing masks, and various tools than I probably would need if I were just starting a skincare routine today. Even though at my age I really should be dedicating more attention to that organ—my skin—I don't force ANYTHING onto it. I don't feed it anything except some hemp oil straight from the bottle, the same one I use for my salad. It feels like I'm still living off that high school glory days when I invested so much into my skin.

Is that what it means? Is that, Donna White50, what you mean by "working on oneself"?

It’s complicated. I remember that adolescence was also the time when I was developing my relationship, my personhood, and building an unbreakable, lasting bond with God—first through an intense and intimate friendship with the Queen of Heaven, Mary, and so on.

I lost my innocence when I was 17 and all that; all sorts of forces were pulling at me and tempting me, and life was just hitting me against the wall... don't get the wrong idea and think I ran off to join a convent right in the middle of high school, far from that. But I always made sure to stay faithful to my God.

I only know one thing—that everything I have survived in life, and everything that happened to me and from which I was pulled out and saved—is because I could NOT have done it alone by relying on myself without God's help.

I was prompted to say this because the thread starter mentioned being a believer, so that's why. Maybe it reminded me of times when I felt similarly in my own life (only much, much, much worse, and completely alone on the other side of the world with a small child and nothing to my name)... but never truly alone.🙂

People who rely strictly on themselves are tyrants; they are individuals with every psychiatric attribute imaginable—walking bombs that are dangerous not just to themselves, but to everyone around them.

I was so alone—from childhood through my entire life, where the dear, unfortunate people in my life often turned away from me or even mistreated me—that I couldn't afford the luxury of being that kind of capricious person ALONE. I always placed my full trust in God, even when it looked like everything was going incredibly well—I believed there was a reason for that.

If I had relied only on myself, I would have lost my mind by now. I wouldn't have raised my child, nor would I be who I am today: a person with a high-trust professional career.

When we look back one day, we finally see why things had to happen the way they did and where they led us.

A person alone in a cold, deep pit will reach for the only thing they have: their own little ladder, and they'll start sawing off the rungs to use as firewood just to stay warm. Short-circuiting or cutting corners during a crisis always turns out to leave you with too few rungs to reach the life-saving shore. Only later do we look back with gratitude at where those little ladders of suffering actually carried us. We find ourselves thanking God for every deep pit and every hardship.👍

Honestly, your example just goes to show why humans came up with God—and not just one version, but like, millions of different deities across the globe. One of our core traits—the thing that actually makes us such a successful species—is this awareness that our hard work and sacrifices right now can lead to specific results down the road. Animals just don't get that... humans have always done it, and pretty much everything is built on that foundation. First, there's religion, which rewards sacrifice; then you've got the entire monetary system based on trust; and then there's raising kids based on love and looking out for future generations...
So, faith is really just a byproduct of that self-awareness—the realization that we’re going to be here tomorrow, and also that one day, we’re going to die..
Even though faith gives a lot of people hope, courage, and the strength to push through when things get rough, I just refuse to buy into fairy tales and made-up gods. The truth is, there's just you—one unique individual—and it's up to you how you choose to navigate life to make the most of it. Believe in 100 different gods if you want, it doesn't matter... just like your post doesn't really relate to the topic, but hey, maybe it helps someone...
I actually walked away from the whole concept of God when I was 15 because of my sexuality. I took religion way too literally back then, and honestly, that concept just totally screwed me over in life...

Honestly, most of what we carry comes straight from home—our parents basically mold us into whatever shape they want. That’s how we head into our teens and out into the world... If you build a solid foundation, you can handle pretty much anything, but if that core is built on guilt, self-pity, or just having zero personal values, then everything starts falling apart. It's wild watching some people thrive while others just crumble under life's pressure. That baggage we carry? It feels like it drags you down every time things get stressful, sometimes making it feel impossible to even get back up...
So, it’s great that you believed in yourself, but unfortunately, we aren't all cut from the same cloth... When that happens, you really have to put in the work on yourself. You basically have to go back and learn the lessons you should've picked up at five or ten years old—back before life got heavy, before the pile of negative experiences and expectations started weighing you down and trapping you in those bad patterns. But hey, that's just life. I never actually thought I’d have to change myself either—I just thought I was living, thinking, and feeling my way through things just fine... you have no idea how much of a shock it was when I realized I was totally wrong about that...

Olivia Garcia7 said:One parent left me, and they’re gone now. The other one—well, let's just say there was nothing I could ever do to prove myself to them. When I was 21, things hit a breaking point; I spiraled into self-destruction and ended up seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. My mother actually had the nerve to tell me, "You'll be out of it in a year. You don't even have a girlfriend—how can you claim to be a man? I have to lie about your age and relationship status every time someone at the office asks." It was humiliating. On top of that, my academic records were a mess because of some incompetent faculty administration. God knows I gave it everything I had. This was all before the modern credit system was implemented, and trying to get through college under those conditions was brutal. In the end, though, I graduated at the top of my class.

A few thoughts on peers. When I met her at 22, she was my entire world. Honestly, I was just relieved to have someone so I wouldn't have to be alone or deal with my toxic environment again. My peers used to constantly pry into how we were spending our time, but it wasn't out of genuine interest—they were just insecure and lacked any actual direction or plans for their own relationships. If things had been different, they wouldn't have bothered asking. After we broke up and they saw her out in town with someone else, they suddenly decided to message me on Google Chat to ask if we had split up. This was hilarious because they had never once reached out to me first on there before. As soon as I said "yes," the conversation died instantly. It was clear they only cared to find out if I was back to being alone. Then there’s this one incredibly arrogant guy. I get the feeling he actually thinks he's destined to watch me fail. I suspect his parents probably drilled it into him that someone from my background and socioeconomic status is bound to hit rock bottom eventually, just so he can feel vindicated about his own path. We were sort of quasi-friends. There's an upcoming event where we're all going to be hanging out, and there will be plenty of alcohol involved. Part of me is thinking about provoking him just so I can deck him. But, I'll probably spend the time leading up to it fighting that impulse, trying to handle things constructively and without losing my cool.

It’s tough. Even when you think you’ve finally moved past it, something hits you out of nowhere—a specific memory, a night of drinking too much, or just letting your guard down—and suddenly, it all comes rushing back.

It’s possible. I can’t even begin to describe how many subtle jabs they threw my way, all designed to tear me down.

They are, married with kids. Since I am a believer, I wouldn't disrespect anyone else's marriage, and out of pure spite—or perhaps just bad character—given my own unhappy family history, I view other people's children extremely negatively. Even the divorced ones. They feel like a personal insult to me. They're there, they're interesting, they're charming, but when it came time to actually build a life, they chose idiots to marry. I get the impression that everything in my life is destined to be hand-me-downs. And if calling this arrogance, then fine—I’ll gladly die for that reason. I don't want this life, nor do I want an afterlife where I'm happy and humble enough to serve as a stepfather to anyone. I’d rather face a different kind of death on Judgment Day.

You're 100% right. If I hadn't played the clown and the entertainer, I wouldn't have existed at all. That’s why I was such easy prey.

My libido is once a week, mostly just me alone in the bathroom. I would love an emotional connection, affection, and sex (even though I said earlier I could go long without the physical part). But if everything is on the table, I’d take it all.

Every now and then I watch, and it’s incredibly hard for me, how women trade their femininity to turn men into fools. Sometimes I overhear them gossiping about men, and it makes me sick. I don't tolerate that kind of thing; even when I find myself in female company where someone tries to drag me down by attacking my dignity, I just launch a verbal counterattack and end it right there. The lady realizes she can't win against my temperament and backs off. Usually followed by gossip about how something is "wrong" with me mentally.

I have a friend who puts up with all of it, hovering around women like that. He claims he disagrees with it, but in practice, he's tethered to his girlfriend and her equally toxic friends. He's like a beaten dog. In his head, he often escapes to happier places—a coping mechanism of the imagination.

Man, there are just so many tragic stories out there in this world, God help us.
Dealing with losing a father and having a mother who's super strict, hyper-critical, and totally dismissive... it's a classic setup. You don't have a father figure to look up to or someone to teach you how to set boundaries, so your mom basically wrecks your sense of self. Because she treated you that way, you end up with this general resentment toward women, which completely trashes your emotional and romantic life. In an attempt to please everyone, instead of standing your ground, you ended up being a people-pleaser—and others just saw that as a weakness, including your girlfriend. Look, you aren't some clown meant to entertain her, and trying to play that role actually backfires with women. Women want someone who can be affectionate and make them happy, sure, but mostly they want someone who is their own person—someone who stands firm... Men shouldn't take every female whim or mood swing personally, and they definitely shouldn't obsess over some fairytale romance. They just need to be free, authentic, and confident. But you? You aren't there yet. You're crumbling under the weight of a life that, frankly, just sucks. Instead of stepping up and taking what belongs to you, you pull inward, thinking you're incapable or just plain weak. This whole "mourning" phase you're in is just a reflection of that weakness. You've protected yourself by hating women—viewing them as nothing but gold diggers or cheaters—and you've retreated into your own little shell. That’s basically signing your own surrender papers. Get this straight: life is tough, and YOU NEED TO CHANGE, ADAPT, AND DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to be independent, so nobody can mess with you, and so you can finally grab what you need from life.
That's what growing up is—it's responsibility, it's life. It's hard for you because you've adopted this mindset based on your family situation.

Keep your chin up, man. Realize it's not that women are the problem—it's that you haven't learned how to choose properly and you're blinded by prejudice. It's not the girls' fault if they messed up in life and ended up with bad partners; that happens, and kids don't deserve the blame either. You're judging people who are actually out there fighting through this chaotic mess we call life, while you've just stopped living altogether. You act like life doesn't concern you, like you don't want to get your hands dirty. You can't live like that. If you aren't willing to roll up your sleeves, fight, and evolve, then you don't deserve anything more than sitting around for six years doing nothing.
I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or tear you down, I just want you to see where the glitch is. Life is what it is, and it's not your fault you were raised that way, but you're a grown man now. You need to stop, look in the mirror, analyze where you're tripping up, and try to fix it. It might take some time, but you have to do it if you actually want a better life.😉

If it helps to hear, I struggle with this kind of stuff too... I had a pretty rough childhood myself...😉