Posts by redharbor9

Daniel Wilson5 said:Since I haven't received an answer to any of my questions yet, maybe I should try framing this differently.
Is it considered a disorder if someone is completely incapable of emotional attachment? Not just being distant, but feeling absolutely nothing for anyone—not even you. They can listen to you talk until they're blue in the face, but they couldn't care less about what you're going through. I'm not sure if that makes it clearer... Imagine a woman who just wanders around, hooking up with whoever she meets, feeling zero connection to anyone. She can't be faithful, she can't sustain a relationship, and she certainly can't be a partner. Is that actually normal?

Yeah, that's totally normal. It's called having an active sex life. 🙂

Yeah, nymphomania only applies to women. The male version is called satyriasis...

Hit me up if you need anything else🙂

It’s just a phase. Once the initial emotional wave hits and dies down—usually after a couple of days—that's when the actual thinking kicks in. They start asking questions, overanalyzing everything, and spiraling. That’s your window to step in, talk to them, give them the facts, and guide them through it. If you need a roadmap for this kind of stuff, check out the book "More Than Acceptance."

I've been through the whole "coming out" gauntlet with plenty of people, and honestly, timing is everything—especially if you're dealing with liberal seniors. The hardest part is just surviving that initial shock, particularly when they start spiraling into guilt or thinking they failed at parenting...

But look, every single experience is unique, just like the person living it. No two coming out stories ever play out the exact same way...

What am I even doing here...

nimbleviper142 said:god 🤦

Look, if you're not trying to be a jerk, just read the thread from the top and try again.

1. The OP never specified their partner's gender, nor did they insist it was a guy—I'm the one constantly assuming it's a girl. Honestly, it feels like you're the one who needs to take your own advice 😉

2. I don't think even after my third post you've actually grasped what I'm asking.
I want to know WHY the partner's gender matters to this topic, but you're dodging the question. Even though you kept bringing it up as a major factor in several posts. 🤷
Feel free to use an example if that makes it easier for you to explain.

The OP isn't replying, so we're free to discuss this however we want. I just used a male-female dynamic as a random example because I don't see how gender changes anything here. As far as I'm concerned, it could be a romance between two guys or a guy and a squirrel 🤷

btw, the only post where I actually mentioned gender was:

There, I edited it. Can I get an answer to my question, or were you just talking just to hear yourself speak? 🍿

I never said you were the only one insisting it's a woman—I said everyone replying is acting like it's a woman...

2. Honestly, even after my third post, you still haven't grasped what I'm asking.
I want to know WHY the partner's gender matters for this thread, but you're dodging the question.

To you (obviously), this thread means some broad debate about the topic, but to me, it's about answering the OP, not having some massive theoretical discussion. My take on how this forum works is why I answered the way I did. 🙂 Basically, the opening post sets the tone and direction. In this case, it’s about a specific relationship between the author and their partner, not some general lecture on relationships...

nimbleviper142 said:worked up 😁
you're right, I'm losing sleep over this 🤣
haven't gotten an actual explanation yet so I'm just gonna assume you're just talking nonsense

so clearly some people care about gender, but why? 🤷 personally, I don't see any reason why, or how the whole thing would change if it were a same-sex relationship. but hey, I guess that's somehow become a factor in this mess.

That's how you rationalize things? 🙂 Imagine walking into a therapist's office...

You: "I'm having trouble with my boyfriend, this relationship is weighing me down..."
Therapist: "How is your girlfriend weighing you down in this relationship?"
You: "My boyfriend..."
Therapist: "So, your girlfriend..."

If that doesn't give you even the slightest feeling that nobody is listening to you or taking you seriously, fine... but just know you're the outlier and most people would find that infuriating. So

As for more advice, online counseling, or venting, take it to the DMs or start a new thread.😉

nimbleviper142 said:But in what way, exactly? Am I just being an idiot here? I honestly don't see how it changes the story whether it's a guy-girl thing, girl-girl, or guy-guy.

The OP isn't even responding anyway, so this whole debate is pretty much pointless...

I don't get why you're getting so worked up about this, and honestly, you don't even seem like you actually want to see... Look, this thread is about one specific topic. Go argue about that somewhere else.🙂

Maybe there’s some truth to just staying quiet and not overthinking things... honestly, I haven't given this topic much thought until now.

nimbleviper142 said:Honestly, what the hell does a partner's gender even have to do with any of this? Who cares? Like, does it actually change anything? It’s a totally irrelevant detail, yet you guys are clinging to it like it's some kind of holy grail...

Look, if we're talking about giving actual advice or helping someone out, then yeah, it matters big time to the person asking for help.😉

Lisa Hernandez3 said:I’m not quite sure why there's such a persistent push to assume the "partner" is a woman here—the OP actually wrote, "I'm worrying about my partner's past." Either that was just a slip of the pen, or we should probably default to discussing the partner as male. As it stands, the wording points toward a man.

I suppose I’d agree with what vilenica and a few others were getting at—that this likely stems from low self-esteem (or perhaps just immaturity)—provided that whatever happened in the past feels like a direct hit to the ego. Now, if it’s more about a clash of core values—meaning the person did something fundamentally immoral or unacceptable to their partner—then maybe we’re looking at fundamental differences finally coming to light, acting as a catalyst to re-evaluate the whole relationship. It does seem a bit odd for something like this to surface after three years together; it makes me wonder if there's just a larger pile of skeletons in the closet. It's also possible—just a thought—that this sudden sensitivity regarding the partner's history is actually a symptom of deeper dissatisfaction with the relationship as a whole (which, for some reason, might have been suppressed due to the partner's dominance until now). But, those are just my theories.

I already said that, but everyone just kept doubling down on the "she" thing. It honestly shows how little people actually read here and how useless they are at giving advice. Which basically brings us back to the whole point of why anyone even bothers asking for help on this forum...

And another thing—if the OP wants actual useful feedback, they need to stop being so vague and actually engage with the replies. Otherwise, there's nothing to work with.

Look, I think most people here are missing the point because they don't get the difference between male and female jealousy, which is huge if you actually want to understand how relationships work...

Men get jealous over sexual stuff, while women get jealous when someone else is grabbing their man's attention... 🙂So yeah, you can't just treat jealousy as some one-size-fits-all thing for both genders..

I think you really need to look at whether this jealousy over a partner's past is actually about maturity, or if there's some deeper issue lurking underneath. If you’ve been together three years and this sudden jealousy over what happened before you met is so intense that you packed your bags and walked out, then yeah, something is definitely broken. You either need to deal with your own baggage regarding their history, or face the fact that there's a real problem in the relationship itself.

So, was this seriously the first time in three years you guys even brought up the past?

John Price11 said:1. Why is it that sometimes—and honestly, it feels like most of the time—the easiest choice is just to keep spinning in circles? It’s comfortable territory, right? You know exactly where you stand, even if you're going nowhere. Why do we choose that repetitive loop over actually breaking out, even if stepping outside means risking total failure?
2. And why is it that the second I started opening up about all this, especially after chewing on some of the answers from this forum, I felt this sudden, overwhelming urge to just shut down and stop talking about it entirely?
(Am I healed? Yay! 🎉) — Nope, definitely not.
3. Regarding what redharbor9 said: look, I’ve looked through some of those materials, and it’s not like it’s rocket science, BUT I DON'T LIVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., I live in a small town with maybe 40,000 people.

Is there seriously nothing even remotely close? Just ask someone. I bet somebody knows, or you can just look up your town online... 🙂

John Price11 said:If we were sitting in a therapy session right now, someone might try to tell you that a sense of empathy has finally blossomed between the therapist and the patient. But let’s be real—it hasn't happened. Not even close.
Congrats, redharbor9. You hit the nail right on the head.
Yeah, I’m just spinning my wheels here. I feel like I’m running in circles, and honestly? I’m missing that one crucial piece of the puzzle. It’s exactly what you said: I need a therapist.
To be blunt, I actually kind of love Tom’s little cheating scheme from this anonymous vantage point. It’s working out perfectly for me because I’m getting a massive influx of intel—valuable information that’s honestly worth its weight in gold. That being said, I have no idea how much patience you actually have in you, so I won't push my luck or nag you about it.
It just hit me—it finally clicked, and honestly, I feel like such an idiot for letting it slip my mind. It turns out I’m not actually losing my grip on reality or going crazy enough to need a therapist after all. Man, my own intuition is clearly way more fragile than I thought...
Thanks again.
And now I'm left staring at this massive blank space: therapist, who, what, where, when, how... honestly, I have absolutely no clue where to even begin. It’s all just one big question mark right now.

You don't always need a professional when someone just needs to vent or talk things out. Personally, I don't have anything major to work through, yet I still have to grind out 145 hours of psychotherapy just to meet the requirements for an American certification...

So that whole argument doesn't really hold water. It's a non-issue.😍

Quincy:

Now what: who is the therapist, what do they do, where, how, how much... I have zero clue about any of it.

That's why this exists...

There's a massive thread full of info on this topic if you want to read it. 🙂 Of course, if you want to keep playing games, you can claim there's too much to read, but then I'll just tell you to go post your question in that thread so you can get answers... let's just skip the nonsense.😁

John Price11 said:1. It wasn't actually formal therapy; it was more of a practicum through a leadership and choice theory course at my university, plus an introductory seminar on reality therapy this past summer. Basically, I wanted to "catch the enemy off guard" (just kidding, mostly).
To be honest, my goal—and I think I actually managed to pull it off to some degree—was to define myself, my emotions, and my behaviors. My driving force (which I still follow, though sometimes I feel a bit weak about it) was to ensure that nobody else could make me feel furious, angry, or pathetic... instead, I want to be the one choosing. I want to pick from a spectrum of feelings—whether that's anger, rage, or misery, whatever.
The same logic applies to choosing happiness...
I’ve mastered the theory, but now comes the hard part: the practice. It’s being applied to me, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m struggling, while other times it flows a bit easier...
2. Regarding that "spirit" metaphor, it's just a way of describing those heavy, negative emotions and bad memories—that overall vibe. I don't know how else to put it. It’s mostly tied to the past. My mindset is: what happened, happened. Today is a new day, and the source of all that misery doesn't exist anymore, so, just be happy. (Man, isn't that easy to say?)
3. That’s why I feel like the ball is in my court, not someone else's, like a therapist's. I’m actually afraid that if I leaned too hard into professional help, I’d just spiral deeper into these mental games—trying to prove myself or perform, trying to explain everything to someone...
I guess I'm contradicting myself here. At the end of the day, I'm wondering why I even started this thread in the first place. Part of me wants to talk, and part of me just wants to shut up...
4. Is there any hope for me?🤷

I already gave you that bridge metaphor... let me break down what you just said using it. You’ve got all the building materials and the drive to build that bridge and get to the other side, but you need someone to show you how to actually put it together...

You're circling right back to where we started. Like I told you before... a therapist isn't going to do the work for you or take the fall if things go south. They're just there to teach you how to do what you want to do—how to handle that ball yourself...

Your only real choice now is to face facts and move toward your goal, or just keep spinning your wheels avoiding the very thing you already know the truth about...

John Price11 said:I gave reality therapy a shot recently, but let’s be honest—it only seemed to work while the contractors were still on-site. Once they packed up their tools and cleared out, the whole thing just fell apart.
I was actually feeling pretty good about things for a while. It felt like that whole chaotic energy was finally starting to settle down—almost like it was retreating into a small, contained space—but I still couldn't see a definitive finish line. Honestly, this feels less like a quick fix and more like one of those long, drawn-out processes, similar to how people talk about undergoing a hundred therapy sessions just to find some peace.
Is there actually an alternative out there?

Honestly, you're missing the point by just focusing on what kind of therapy you tried. Like I said before, there's way more to the equation than that...

Why’d you quit that therapy, and what do you even mean by "energy fading"? Give me specifics.

John Price11 said:Here is my (admittedly biased) take on the whole situation:
I feel like I'm just going to run into the same wall over and over. Someone is inevitably going to tell me I need to "stop overthinking," or "just live in the moment." If the therapist leans too heavily into religious-style coping, they'll probably tell me I just need to practice forgiveness... and so on and so forth.
Will they eventually suggest that *I* am the actual problem?

Please, set me straight if I'm being stubborn or if I've completely missed the mark here!😕

That assumption is trash if you think psychotherapy is just some ten-minute pit stop where you grab a prescription or a manual on how to live your life. That's dead wrong...

Therapy is a process. Period. Maybe the issue you’re tackling gets crushed in one session, maybe it takes a hundred. Maybe the root cause turns out to be something you didn't even realize was there. Maybe it just shifts your perspective so much that you figure it out yourself. The possibilities are endless.

It all boils down to a bunch of variables. The therapist's style, who they are as a human being, and you—your resources, your readiness, everything. It’s a massive, complex interaction that dictates everything.

But here’s the bottom line: you have to actually like your therapist. If you sit down with someone and the vibe is off—if you don't feel comfortable talking to them as a person—you move on. Find someone else.

None of them are going to bark orders at you about what to do or how to do it. They work through it *with* you.

I had a client once tell me he was blown away that we solved years of baggage in just a few sessions after he'd struggled with other therapists for ages. I told him straight up: I just built the bridge, he's the one who had to walk across it. He shot back that walking across my bridges is easy. That’s how it works every single time. You and the therapist build that bridge together. Your job is to figure out which "bridge" works best for you—the way that hits your goals without being a total nightmare or exhausting you.

John Price11 said:I’m fully grown now, but I still can't shake these memories from my childhood home.
My father was an absolute emotional vampire, while my mother was basically a bystander—completely passive. Together, they turned us kids into the perfect punching bag for his... well, I don't even know what word to use for his need for control.
Even as an adult, looking back on things through a mature lens, I just feel cheated. Neither of them had any right to do that to me—to wreck my childhood memories, strip away my self-confidence, and warp my entire worldview.
Look, I’ll say it again: I am a functioning adult. I navigate the world just fine, and honestly, I’ve turned out pretty well considering what I went through, but there’s always this nagging pull that drags me back into that headspace.
Logically, I know dwelling on it is pointless because, in a way, I’m letting the past hold me hostage.
I know the "correct" thing to do is forgive everything, lock it all away, and just move on...
But that's the problem: there's no clear line between those old memories and my actual life right now. The two are bleeding together, and it’s poisoning my present reality.
Is there some kind of magic formula to finally leave the past where it belongs?

Yeah, there is. It's called psychotherapy. 🙂

Looks like some kind of dementia to me... but there’s zero point in looking for help or advice on these forums. Get her to a doctor immediately...