349 posts shown.
gentlerider7 said:Some people would probably tell you it's just plain old justice that's gone missing.
gentlerider7 said:Look, utopia isn't just some fancy word for perfection. It’s more about having a North Star—something to help us imagine "what could be" if we actually tried.
gentlerider7 said:So, if we’re looking at those gritty, soul-crushing jobs that nobody actually wants to touch—you know, the stuff like cleaning out sewers, hauling trash, or working deep in some dusty coal mine—how on earth would you handle them in some kind of perfect, imaginary system?
In Thomas Moore's version of Utopia, they’d basically just have criminals do all that dirty work (kind of like how things functioned in the USSR, where prisoners were stuck doing all the high-risk labor). Then again, there are always those weirdly optimistic people who argue there will always be someone out there perfectly happy to take on those kinds of roles.
I remember seeing this other thread about communal living, and people were saying that every single commune eventually falls apart because of these exact issues: like, who's actually going to cook the meals, and who's going to deal with the gross job of cleaning the bathrooms?
Jamie Adams6 said:I’m not slowing down—why would I even bother? We should all be able to treat ourselves whenever we want, regardless of Black Friday or Christmas. Honestly, I wouldn't want to live a life where I only grab the bare essentials when I actually have the means to go after what I want. People really need to stop pushing those intense myths about what actually makes a person happy; friendships, relationships, family—that stuff is fleeting, but things? Things are what last.
Robin Foster7 said:It feels like that time of year is creeping up again—the season where everyone just starts burning through cash like there's no tomorrow. We’ve got Black Friday turning into this month-long marathon, and then it just rolls straight into the holiday shopping madness. Honestly, consumerism has become its own kind of psychological beast.
People use it as a sort of therapy, I guess, but at the same time, they're just fueling an addiction.
What do you all think about this whole frenzy? And how do you manage to hold back when you see those endless "limited time" deals staring you in the face?
Chris Anderson55 said:I’d say we’re definitely looking at an optimistic perspective here, but let’s be real—it isn't the kind of baseless nonsense you're claiming. It’s not about everyone suddenly becoming incredibly happy and rolling in cash overnight. It’s more nuanced than that. It’s about people being a little bit happier and a little bit better off than they were before—or, in this specific instance, the idea that the OP might end up feeling a bit more content and "wealthier" than they did when they first sat down to write this post.
I think you’re looking at optimism through a bit of an extreme lens. To me, it feels like you're viewing everything as an all-or-nothing proposition, and honestly, chasing extremes rarely makes much sense in the long run. Look, let's be realistic—it's not like I can just wake up tomorrow and become an Olympic gold medalist, or suddenly start pulling in millions of dollars like a Wall Street CEO. Those are outliers; they're the extremes. But there is a massive middle ground between where I am now and those impossible peaks. I absolutely believe I can push myself to a point that is ten times better than my current status. That isn't an extreme; it's just meaningful progress. At the end of the day, I don't measure my success by comparing myself to the rest of society or some arbitrary national average. The only metric that actually matters is how I stack up against the person I was yesterday.
Every single facet of our existence—our personality, the way we carry ourselves, even our core approach to life—is something that can be refined. It’s absolutely possible to improve. Sure, it demands a certain level of sacrifice along the way, but isn't that essentially the art of living? It's about finding that delicate equilibrium between all those moving parts until you finally reach a point where you feel truly fulfilled and at peace with yourself.
The OP really needs to shift their perspective regarding both their future and themselves. If they just accept this current mindset and settle for it—well, there’s absolutely nothing to be gained. Giving up on trying, resigning oneself to the idea that they'll never meet anyone special, and continuing to hang out with a circle of unmotivated friends...
...where does that actually lead? It leads to a life of misery and pathos, and I don't think anyone truly wants to live that way.
Making an effort to find a girlfriend is definitely doable. I have two close friends who serve as perfect examples of this. One friend was constantly putting himself out there, asking people out, grabbing coffee, and staying active socially, until finally, everything just clicked into place. Of course, it would be wonderful if a partner just magically appeared on your doorstep, but that isn't how reality works. The more you are out among people, the more you socialize and engage with the world, the higher the probability becomes that you'll meet someone. It’s much better than sitting at home or stagnating with those unmotivated friends. Ultimately, you have to take the initiative to show interest in others rather than waiting for someone to hand you an opportunity on a silver platter.
Regarding what you mentioned about inexperienced people not knowing what they want—that is precisely why they need to go out and learn. They need to explore, try things, and see for themselves. This applies to the author of this thread as well. At any point, you can choose to walk away if something doesn't suit you. If someone is unsure of what they want, the best path is to experiment and gain firsthand experience, rather than simply resigning themselves to inaction and deciding "maybe it's just not meant to be" without ever trying.
The idea that anything is possible if you put in the work isn't empty rhetoric or unrealistic. The only reason you might perceive it that way is because you're taking it too literally.
As for your point about talking to a homeless person—look, I don't even need to say anything myself; there are countless famous Americans who started with absolutely nothing and rose to the top. I realize I'm using an extreme example, but yes, it is possible through hard work, genuine interest, and sheer grit (which sometimes requires an immense amount of effort), coupled with a grain of luck. But yes, it is achievable. However, it requires facing your fears, dealing with uncertainty, and tackling your own personal demons head-on—and that is exactly where most people falter and give up right at the starting line.
Best regards!
Chris Anderson55 said:I have to disagree. Given he's in his early 30s, he is nowhere near being compared to an old dog. He's miles away from that. 😉 If he had something truly engaging or intriguing already occupying his mind, I don't think he would have even brought this topic up. He needs a change, even if it's a small one... And that won't happen overnight; it requires a sustained period of intense effort and investment. But it's never too late for that, especially in your early thirties. Change works like dominoes—one tiny shift can trigger a massive chain reaction...
If he spends the rest of his life agonizing over these questions and simply accepts that "this is just how it is," it makes no sense to me. That kind of mindset will only paralyze him and prevent him from discovering the potential he surely possesses, which he just can't see right now because of his current state...
The same applies to love. You've framed all these concepts in such a defeatist way. Hooking up, messy lives, loneliness, the road to hell... That isn't reality; that's just your perspective on it. He needs to reach a stage where he can decide for himself whether life is as bleak as you claim or if it's actually quite different. Why discourage him from continuing to try and push forward?
Of course, being in a relationship with someone you love is hard; it requires compromise and sacrifice. But again, it all comes down to how a person positions themselves within that romantic relationship and the lens through which they view it.
And as for those sailors catching a good wind, hmm. A sailboat out on the open ocean has a much better chance of catching whatever wind happens to blow, whereas a boat that's been hauled out of the water doesn't even get to hope for a breeze... 😉
Chris Anderson55 said:Having a positive mindset (which is what you’re claiming at the end here) is really just a premise—it's the starting line for some actual action that needs to follow.
A positive outlook alone doesn't change reality; the only thing it changes is your mood. If you actually want to shift your circumstances, you have to get moving and do something concrete.
If you take a step back from your own perspective and look objectively at what you wrote, you'll see you've already built in the cause-and-effect loop yourself; aging means being frustrated, and then you're asking us to somehow talk you out of it or prove you wrong. 😉
I'll be blunt—nobody here can prove you wrong even if we wanted to. You have to work through that logic on your own.
As for this idea that you aren't "the most attractive person in the room"—look, you're old enough to realize that isn't nearly as important as you think it is. The real issue here seems to be your personality, your lack of self-confidence, and your drive. I think that should be your true starting point, because it feels like you're fundamentally unhappy with who you are, regardless of whether you're single or in a relationship. It sounds like you believe finding love will magically fix all your problems, but that's a fallacy. Trying to validate your entire sense of self through another person is a mistake, and those kinds of relationships almost always fall apart. ☕
Invest in yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Read books, get involved in local community events where you live, and actually show up. Hit the gym. Distance yourself from people who have no drive and seek out new circles where you can actually grow. If you do that, you'll eventually become self-sufficient. Once you reach that point—and once you let go of all these heavy expectations and hopes for how the future "should" look—things will either align or at least most of them will fall into place. And honestly? You'll probably meet someone along the way while you're doing all that.
So, there it is. In a nutshell.
fadedrider17 said:I originally intended to stay quiet and not post anything—but honestly, I don't care anymore. I’m here to see if I can pull any actual, intelligent advice from this thread or maybe figure out what I can do to improve my situation.
Lately, there's been this persistent, low-level feeling dragging me down—I won't go so far as to give it a clinical label, but to put it bluntly: it's total emptiness. I'm stuck in a job I absolutely loathe, all my hobbies are effectively on indefinite hold... and I find myself constantly stuck in this mental loop, obsessively rewinding the tape and wallowing in nostalgia, thinking about how much better things used to be.
To give you some context: the career I actually enjoyed—working in the hospitality and tourism industry—has essentially vanished due to the pandemic. Even my hobbies have dried up; I used to play recreational basketball with a regular group, but that's gone too. My other passion was amateur acting—there are still some local community theater plans floating around for a revival, but for now, there is absolutely nothing happening.
The worst part is the delayed realization—I’m constantly looking back and seeing just how much better my previous life was, especially regarding the work I did. I feel this void opening up inside me, and I have no idea how to fill it, what to pursue, or how to rebuild myself. Being unemployed for a long stretch was mentally taxing enough, but being trapped in this current job—which doesn't suit my personality even one percent—is significantly worse. I am literally dreaming about work when I'm not working, which is exhausting, yet I have zero other options because finding decent employment in America right now feels nearly impossible.
To make matters worse, I completely miscalculated my timeline for traveling. I had this "we'll deal with it later" attitude, thinking it would be an easy step outside my comfort zone—even regarding looking for work abroad—and now I'm plagued by guilt, compounded by the sheer uncertainty of when this whole COVID mess will finally end (not that anyone actually knows).
I honestly feel like I'm the only one left stranded in this "hopelessness," because almost everyone I know seems to have their jobs, their social circles... everything is back to normal for them.
I'm constantly dealing with this sense of incompleteness and those "bad butterflies" in my stomach, and I have no clue how to manage it—especially since things are incredibly awkward within my own family right now (though I won't get into that).
How do I change this narrative and actually adapt to the reality of the situation?
Jeffrey Chase442 said:Look, you worked hard to get your body back after having kids, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the results. If it feels a little overboard right now, it might just be a phase, especially since you're clearly self-aware enough to realize you're overdoing it, so don't stress about losing your way for a second 😁.
We all have those vain moments, so it's totally normal, and there's no shame in smiling at yourself when you catch a glimpse in the mirror. Plus, I bet your husband is thrilled to have a wife who takes such good care of herself 😉
Robin Foster7 said:To be brief, I’m a woman in my 30s, a mom of two, and happily married.
So, after having two kids, I kind of let myself go—you know, the extra weight, the constant childcare, all that stuff. But about six months ago, I finally got back to my old self. I started working out again, eating healthy, and even treated myself to some new clothes that fit perfectly.
The thing is, I think I’ve become a bit obsessed with how I look. I spend way too much time thinking about it. My mind just wanders toward what I should wear, what layers to put on, or which new moisturizer I should pick up. Lately, it feels like that's all I think about. Instead of getting lost in a good book or focusing on something for work, I’m just scrolling through fashion trends and looking at skincare products.
It doesn't really feel like "me," so I guess I'm wondering what's going on? I've become somewhat vain, I find myself checking the mirror constantly, and... I don't know, I actually enjoy the attention when people look my way.
Jonathan Ross6 said:Is anyone else genuinely terrified of making phone calls, or am I just the odd one out here?😬
What’s the official clinical term for this?
redviper5 said:I find the approach of asking "what drives me crazy" interesting. Even after thinking about it for a long time (setting aside the connection for a moment), I honestly have no idea... And what am I afraid of? I don't know that either. I've broken down all my thoughts and worries into tiny pieces, and I think deep down there's just this vague, irrational fear of anything that breaks my routine or demands more responsibility and engagement. Sometimes it's intense, sometimes it's not.
**EDIT: while writing this response, a few things clicked:
- I'm afraid of how fast time is passing and of failing to achieve anything in any area of my life.
- I'm afraid of my own personality, which stands in the way of everything (though that also frustrates me).
- I constantly compare myself to people who are objectively better than me in every single category, and unfortunately, I'm always the one rubbing it in my own face.
That Velcro comparison is spot on. Unfortunately, I've been numb for a long time now, and it's anything but pleasant. I know it's not easy for anyone fighting these same battles... Time moves fast (and so do the years), and that honestly starts to create this sense of terror in my head. Maybe there really is logic in just accepting things as they are, but here's the thing: I've realized my friends don't even reach out anymore because of all this darkness. So, realistically, I can't afford to be "that guy" if I want to hold onto the few people I have left... When I'm feeling a bit better and actually think about it, I wouldn't even want to talk to myself if I were my own friend. 🤔 🤦
briskpuma6 said:I see what you're getting at here: if they aren't malignant narcissists, then they're fine, right? Well, not quite.
Narcissists can't stomach two things: questions and solitude. Why? It's simple: because in both scenarios, they are forced to confront themselves. They encounter the one thing they fear most: their own being. They find endless ways to evade this—work, social circles, hobbies, personal grooming... anything to avoid being alone with themselves.
Because when you are truly alone, whether we like it or not, the feelings start leaking out; you stop looking outward and start looking inward. And inside, there are heavy traumas lurking. Some actually hear the sounds of a small child crying and wailing; some experience hallucinations of people standing before them, laughing and watching; some feel nothing but pure terror; some start trembling and spiral into panic; in others, a sudden, inexplicable rage erupts out of nowhere. In milder cases, they just end up restless and moody.
That is a terrifying prospect for anyone, let alone someone who has absolutely no concept of how to process emotions! This is why they are constantly hunting for new crowds, new faces, new challenges, and new thrills. When that isn't enough or doesn't come naturally, they begin to lie and manipulate just to stay included. The distinction between "benign" narcissists (those you'd call "okay") and the malignant ones (who lie and manipulate) is often just a matter of circumstance, timing, and the sheer intensity of what they feel when they are alone. Since they lack—or rather, have suppressed—emotional depth, they also lack a sense of guilt. Consequently, the slide from a benign state to a malignant one is a very short one indeed.
We could go on about this forever, and one post isn't nearly enough, but it's worth adding that they are notoriously difficult to treat precisely because they cannot tolerate the very questions that might lead them toward deep psychosis. Most therapists won't take on that kind of responsibility, so treatment drags on for years and rarely results in a cure. However, those few therapists with more courage sometimes manage to make headway. Regressive hypnosis can be an effective route in these cases—it essentially bypasses the patient's defenses, working without the interference of their conscious questioning.
briskpuma6 said:The one asking the questions is the one driving the conversation, effectively seizing the upper hand. Narcissists have this pathological need to micromanage every single interaction—they must dominate both themselves and everyone else—which is precisely why they suppress any semblance of true emotion; they are deathly afraid of being vulnerable or showing their soul to anyone.
Don't even think about sitting there expecting an actual answer from them.
They’re the ones doing all the interrogating! 🙂
rapidmaker15 said:Thanks for the comment; you summarized that really well. I wouldn't exactly say I didn't love my parents, it's more that I never really connected with them—deeply, anyway. Why? It's hard to pin down. They are good people, especially my dad, but we never really expressed any emotion, even though I know they're there if I ever actually need them. Maybe that's where the issue lies?
I do want emotions in my life; I just don't know how to "make" them happen.
And as for why I don't like being hugged or kissed or touched—it’s because I feel like people are invading my privacy, especially when it’s uninvited, if that makes sense. I just get uncomfortable when someone holds my hand or even stands too close; I feel much safer maintaining some distance. Is it possible that this is why I struggle to connect with a partner?
rapidmaker15 said:Look, I’d like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed and rational person—I can usually tell when my actions actually make sense and when they don't. When I step outside those boundaries or act on impulse, I’m fully aware of the fallout.
I realize that if I can't actually bond with someone or just let my emotions take the wheel, I’ll probably end up alone. And honestly? That’s exactly what I’m trying to fix. I don't quite get why it works this way, but I recognize it’s an issue I need to tackle. I don't want to be solo. I hate being alone. If I stay home by myself for even two days, I start spiraling into this depressive, miserable headspace. I really, truly need people around me. So, I don't understand how it's possible that I struggle to connect with guys—or anyone, really. Where did all those feelings go, and how am I supposed to just "manufacture" them? I’d honestly settle for a messy, unhappy relationship at this point; even sadness is a feeling, and I just want to feel *something*.
I guess I'm just getting tangled up in my own explanation.
rapidmaker15 said:I’m 35 years old, and I just don't feel like I have enough emotional depth inside me. Naturally, that ends up bleeding into my personal life...
To give you some context: I’m an extrovert—I have plenty of friends and I genuinely love being social. I enjoy meeting new people, I like being noticed, and I appreciate being liked by others. I’ve got several solid, long-term friendships under my belt. Despite all that, I can't stand it when people touch me, or when they get too deep into my personal space. I'm not into kissing, hugging, or even those overly affectionate little gestures. For me, a handshake is pretty much the limit of acceptable physical contact. When it comes to romantic relationships, things are slightly better, but I just can't seem to sustain a long-term
connection. It’s hard for me to actually *like* someone enough to want something more, and even when I do find someone appealing, that feeling is never intense or strong enough to make me want to stay forever. As I've gotten older, these relationships seem to be getting shorter. It’s as if I simply lack the capacity to love with enough intensity—it feels like there’s an emotional void where those feelings should be. I don't have that urge to cuddle, nor do I feel the need to share my inner world with anyone. I love sex, but I view it more as a physical act rather than this whole "making love" process; my goal is just the physical release, which I enjoy purely for the sensation, not because I'm looking for a deeper bond—though, I suppose I could never bring myself to have a one-night stand with a stranger. Given how things are going, I’ll probably end up alone, and I’m honestly not sure if that’s what I actually want... how am I supposed to build an emotional connection with someone else when I haven't even managed to achieve that with my own inner circle?
Olivia Smith2 said:I’ve been talking about this for days with a few friends—people who haven't dealt with mental health struggles and can't quite grasp what I'm going through right now. That’s why I’m turning to you all; I’m hoping for some constructive advice, and maybe—if I’m being honest—just a little bit of support.
For those who missed my previous posts here, here is the situation: about two years ago, I went through a psychotic episode. I was on heavy medication at first, then gradually tapered down until I reached a somewhat stable state. However, alongside that past episode, I developed generalized anxiety disorder, which—it feels to me—is actually causing more damage.
Right now, I find myself in a really difficult chapter of my life. The psychosis hit shortly after I graduated from college. During my studies, there were so many opportunities on the table—everything from grad school scholarships to high-level career paths. In short, a real career was within reach. But the psychosis stalled everything. My father—who has always been incredibly supportive and was planning to help me financially so I could build a solid foundation for my career—was understanding about it all. He even found me a job, though I specifically asked for something with very light professional demands and reduced hours. I had already essentially written off my career prospects, just trying to scrape by because of the cognitive deficits I was feeling. It’s been like this for several years.
After work, I just lie in bed. I don't really have hobbies; I occasionally see someone, but my emotions feel totally numbed out. I spend my time idling and making vague plans for some distant future when "everything finally falls into place." Essentially, I'm just stuck. A few months ago, I started having these recurring dreams about getting older—about life passing me by while I remain completely stationary. Those dreams were the breaking point; I'm starting to feel this internal drive to move, especially since I've been living in chronic poverty and total hopelessness.
I've been speaking with my psychiatrist, who encourages me by saying I'm intellectually very strong, and my boss, who told me he’s "finally glad to see me snap out of it and stop wasting my talent." Suddenly, overnight, I’m starting to receive offers that most people would kill for—opportunities they’ve spent years working toward. They’re practically being served to me on a silver platter because I made such a great impression during my time in school and early work. The problem is, I feel like I don't even have the strength to pick up the plate.
I am being offered a great job along with a scholarship for further education. Ever since the offer came in, I haven't been able to sleep properly. The moment I heard the news, my ears felt clogged, my thoughts turned into complete chaos, and my concentration plummeted to the point where I can barely read a few sentences. It feels like my own body is sabotaging itself, and I honestly don't know what to do.
I'm glad that I'm finally motivated and that I actually *want* to get out of bed, but I’m haunted by massive questions: CAN I ACTUALLY HANDLE THESE NEW AND SERIOUS CHALLENGES, AND WILL I DESTROY MY HEALTH BY TRYING?
I'm paralyzed. I'm being handed opportunities that any "normal" person would grab in a heartbeat, but I'm not normal. I'm struggling with intense anxiety.
People tell me that, in the end, I have nothing to lose—that I should just go for it because they don't see any "glitch" in me that would hold me back. But I feel that glitch deep inside. I am terrified of failing and of letting these opportunities slip away.
Does anyone have any advice? I'll take anything. Are there any general trends or statistics regarding people with psychological struggles when it comes to handling complex tasks and advanced learning?
Ever since this career wind was blown in my direction, I've lost all sense of time. I'm completely frazzled, spiraling through hundreds of different scenarios in my head—some of them truly irrational. What should I do?
HELP!
For the professionals: I'm currently taking 1x 150 mg Quetiapine SR, 2x 0.5 Klonopin, and 1x 75 mg Pregabalin.