Posts by Donna White50

brightviper18 said:People often casually mention in conversation how they practically died for something or how much they sacrificed, yet they haven't actually lost what they supposedly gave up. In my view, it’s usually just an exaggeration used to attach extra emotional weight to a situation that wasn't even that significant. I won't dwell on that, because that isn't true sacrifice.

I'll use my own life as an example to explain my perspective:

1. I sacrificed part of my sanity to ensure my child had a proper childhood.
The consequence is that I am effectively 50% absent from reality now; for most things, I simply don't care. Whenever I find myself in a social setting, I often retreat back into my own mind because the internal landscape is far more interesting than the world around me. There is a silver lining, though—my creativity and drive to build have increased proportionally, but my emotional range has diminished. If someone compliments me, my standard response is just a flat, "Okay."

2. I sacrificed my knees for travel.
I wanted to experience travel in its purest form—no cars, no motorcycles, no planes. Just a bicycle, my own two feet, and a sleeping bag. I gained an immense amount from those ten years, but the price was my joints. Trekking across 37 miles in a single day with a 50lb pack, or cycling with 20lbs on my back while covering over 137 miles miles a day for thirty days straight, provided some of the most phenomenal experiences of my life. I don't regret it for a second. However, today, climbing stairs is a struggle, and I can't jump off anything significant. When the weather shifts abruptly, I deal with excruciating pain in both knees; every step feels like hell. I try to endure it quietly so others don't notice, but eventually, people realize you're in pain because they stop listening to what anyone is saying anyway.

3. I sacrificed my heart for my career.
Which is why I've been dealing with quite a few cardiac issues lately.

4. I sacrificed my stomach to preserve the remaining 50% of my sanity.
Nowadays, I am allergic to or intolerant of about 90% of the food available. I don't believe drowning oneself in sedatives and vodka is a therapy any doctor would prescribe, but it helped me survive several extremely volatile situations that I couldn't handle emotionally. Sedatives were too mild; I needed something to completely knock me out. (And no, I'm not talking about romantic relationships; there are much worse things out there than a breakup or a divorce.)

My lungs, liver, and kidneys are still intact. But it's impossible to ruin those now, considering I bypassed them entirely to go straight to wrecking my heart—which really should have been the last thing to go.

What did I get out of this? A great deal, and nothing at all. All that knowledge and life experience would only be useful if I had remained a functioning part of society instead of building my own little world outside the mainstream with a hand-picked group of people. As it stands, it feels like graduating with a degree in Mathematics only to apply for a job as a Chemist.

What I certainly cannot say is that I haven't lived. I lived to the absolute maximum for exactly what I wanted. I don't crave anything specific, but there is one thing missing. I suspect that when that thing finally happens, it will cut me deep, yet I find myself looking forward to it and arranging circumstances for it to occur, because I believe it will be worth every cost.

As for my lifestyle... don't mistake me for being antisocial. I'm not. It's just that a few years ago, I decided to stop entering romantic relationships altogether. I removed sex from my life and live alone—not to escape something, but to distance myself from the most dysfunctional element of my existence (women) so I can focus on the things that actually work.

What I am interested in is:
What have you sacrificed?
How do you deal with the loss of those things?
What did you gain by losing what you lost?
Why do you believe it was worth it?
How do you view your own future after everything?

I didn't intend for this topic to turn into a debate, though I have no objection if it does. Rather, I need additional perspectives on similar matters to compare against my own. Currently, I have nothing to measure myself against, and I suspect I am making a mistake regarding one specific thing—one that might cost me more than I hope in the end.

Kids have their own lives and futures because they're basically the essence of life, totally whole on their own. They need love and presence, not money and gadgets. We fall into this trap thinking we have to guarantee them material wealth by sacrificing our own lives... it's a mistake. Kids are perfectly capable of living and surviving on their own.

Ruining your own life just to compete or prove something to people makes even less sense. We are more than enough, complete and at peace exactly as we are—we don't need to prove our worth to ourselves like some kind of masochists... we already matter, and we deserve to live.

Escaping into dreams, fantasies, or just pure thought is just running away from reality. Sure, it feels nicer in there, but you can't actually live or survive inside your head...

Hurting yourself in any way is just a fast track for suppressed anger toward other people that never actually got released.

Life is biological, material, and spiritual—it's all about growth, staying positive, self-acceptance, emotional balance, and finding some peace and comfort.

Just ask yourself why you won't allow yourself that... why you want to destroy and erase yourself for the sake of some illusion of an achievement? Who taught you to act like that?

Douglas Gray8 said:What happens when you’re trying your hardest to stay under the radar, yet you have this nagging feeling that everyone knows your business? Like you're the constant topic of conversation everywhere you go. It’s jarring when a few people you just met yesterday suddenly drop details about your life that they shouldn't even know... why does everyone seem to be in the loop? I feel like I'm stuck in some twisted reality show where every move is broadcasted. Nothing is private. It feels like there are agents shadowing my every step, eavesdropping on everything—maybe they even know when I'm alone.🤔I mean, I know

Over the last month, I've developed this unsettling sensation that everyone is fully briefed on my life, including people I haven't even met yet. How can someone I'll meet tomorrow already know my story? Where did this sudden paranoia come from, and why is it happening?

Paranoia... man, you might be overthinking it, because honestly, most people's lives are pretty much insignificant to the rest of the world...
So, what happened? What's been messing with your head lately, these past few days or weeks?

Kevin Sullivan4 said:I’ve been wrestling with insecurity and a lack of self-confidence for as long as I can remember, but lately, it’s spiraled to the point where I can barely function or actually enjoy my life.

A few days ago, it finally hit me: this is getting serious. It’s worsening by the day, and I need to do something about it.
On paper, my life is actually quite lovely. I’ve been fortunate, and I’m surrounded by people who truly care about me. I have a wonderful husband and a little one; my heart feels full. My days are productive—I take care of the baby, manage the house, and honestly, I find joy in it. We have help from our parents, so my husband and I can head out for a date night whenever we want. I make a real effort to prioritize our relationship, and I still carve out time for my girlfriends—maybe even more than I did before having the baby.
Despite all that, my self-doubt is so pervasive and my confidence so fragile that it feels suffocating. Almost every single day, I find myself wondering how I could possibly deserve such incredible people, or why I ended up with a husband who is so much better than me. Looking back, my adolescence was a mess—totally directionless. I drifted from one college major to another, jumping from one hobby to the next without ever sticking to anything. I didn't finish my degree initially; I took a break when the baby arrived, then returned to my studies with the help of my parents once our little girl was six months old. I actually excelled in my classes, breezing through exams with way more motivation than I had before. I’ve finished every single course except for one, which I’ve somehow convinced myself should be pushed off until next year. I told myself it would be best to wait, finish that one class, write my thesis, and maybe find a job in the meantime, but truthfully, there was no reason to delay. It’s a pattern for me—self-sabotage. I start something, get highly motivated and successful, and then suddenly decide it’s not "right" and just quit.

I have this intense urge to find a job, to not be entirely financially dependent on my husband, and to contribute some actual dollars to the family budget. It isn't even really about the money; I just want to feel useful, to have some sense of responsibility. In reality, I’ve never held a real job beyond short-term student gigs. I’ve sent out about twenty applications and even got a few positive responses for part-time student roles, but I always find a way to talk myself out of them. Either the hours are too limited, or it's only three days a week and doesn't seem worth the gas, or the office is downtown and I won't be able to find parking. More self-sabotage.

I’m painfully aware of how much this eats away at my confidence. Knowing that I’m constantly letting myself down keeps me trapped in this endless loop.

I realize that, but this can't be the only thing causing my frustration, because my current state is genuinely alarming. This insecurity manifests most sharply as jealousy—and I’d go as far as to say it’s become pathological. Beyond the constant fear that my husband will meet someone better or fall out of love with me, I view almost any woman I perceive as attractive as a threat. We can't even go to a coffee shop or run errands without me spotting a "potential threat." I become convinced she’s eyeing him or that they’re flirting. Sometimes I think I’m right, but I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to hallucinate these things. For instance, I once became certain his friend’s wife was flirting with him—I could practically see it happening, even though it wasn't real. Or I’ll see a woman at the beach walking past him, thinking she's using body language to seduce him while he stares her down (even when he’s not looking). I can't remember the last time we went out without me "noticing" him flirting with someone else. I don't hide my feelings; I confront him every time, accusing him of things he hasn't even done. It leaves me feeling terrible because he hasn't earned it, and I know I'm just damaging our marriage.

I try not to make him my entire world. I spend time with people and stay social, but in group settings, I’m a wreck. When I’m near people I’m not extremely close to, I get hit with this crushing anxiety. I get tense, awkward, and uncomfortable. I lose my ability to speak clearly; I stammer, say stupid things, and struggle to express myself. I constantly feel uninteresting and unattractive—body image issues are a permanent fixture for me, especially regarding my weight. I notice every single pound. Some days I look okay in the mirror, but then I’ll stare until I convince myself I’m hideous. I care way too much about what people think. After a bad interaction, I’ll beat myself up for the rest of the day, obsessing over something I said or worrying that someone misinterpreted me. I feel like if a stranger on the street made a mean comment about my looks, it would completely ruin my entire day. A few years ago, that might have stung, but I wouldn't have cared. Now, I feel so unstable that even the smallest thing can knock me completely off balance.

There are days when I actually feel okay—though those moments are becoming increasingly rare. On these days, I’m happy with who I see in the mirror, I can hold my own in conversation, and I feel capable. In these brief flashes of clarity, I know my worth. I know how much my husband loves me, and I know he would never do anything to jeopardize our family. But then the next day rolls around, and everything collapses. I find myself looking at my life through that same negative lens again.

I honestly don't know how to fix this. It feels cruel that just as my life has become better than it’s ever been, I’ve become the worst version of myself. The standard advice—"focus on yourself," "find a hobby," "start exercising"—just doesn't work for me. I’ll sign up for a gym membership, go for a few weeks, and then quit by inventing some absurd excuse. For instance, the last time I stopped going to the gym was because I noticed my legs were getting stronger and losing their slim shape. Or I'll pick up a hobby I’m actually good at, only to get bored almost immediately, lose interest, or decide I simply don't have the time.

I'm starting to worry that this isn't normal. It's eating me alive. Beyond the issues with my self-image, I’ve started experiencing things that aren't there—like feeling as though people are staring at me judgmentally, whispering about me, or even wanting to hurt me. Walking down a dark street is unsettling; I often get the sensation that someone is following me. My mind starts spinning these horrific scenarios, even if I try to shake them off quickly. I never used to have these kinds of dark thoughts; this all started about a year ago.

I am planning to see a psychologist, because I don't see how I can navigate this on my own. However, I would truly appreciate it if anyone reading this could share some advice or perhaps an experience they've had.

Thank you for bearing with me. I know this is a long post, but I couldn't find a way to condense what I'm going through into fewer words.

Two years of solid psychotherapy would definitely help...
The issue goes way deeper than just superficial "low self-esteem." This is the fallout from how you treat yourself... But what's underneath? What makes you hate who you are, or makes you terrified of losing things, or makes you feel like you're inferior to everyone else?
You have to dig deep there...
Something happened about a year ago that threw you completely out of control—something that shook your foundation and left you feeling powerless, something that woke up all those old, repressed demons...
For some, it might be losing a job, for others, a breakup, a new relationship, the death of a loved one, health scares, and so on...

Some people handle it, but others get shaken so hard they spiral into self-destruction, phobias, and total breakdown...

Who was the stricter, harsher parent growing up—your mom or your dad?

silentangler92 said:🤣

That's just how X is going to be

You guys are pretty much 90 percent right. That other 10 percent? It wasn't even about cheating. I was already dealing with stuff before any of that happened. This whole thing started a month ago, though everything was fine before that. As for the cheating thing, we actually handled that while we were broken up for those 15 days. Honestly, it's just a massive lack of confidence. That's the bottom line. My goal is to please everyone—her included—and that's where I'm tripping up. Instead of actually enjoying the sex, I'm just obsessing over her satisfaction. Now this fear has kicked in. I'm trying to fight through it, but it's not about her, it's about me. Thanks for the advice.

Everything you just laid out is basically a textbook example of how *not* to approach sex or women in general...

Over 15 years ago, during my very first session with a psychiatrist, I blurted out something almost identical to what you're saying now. Those three sentences were enough for them to put me straight into group therapy immediately.
You're getting the fundamentals wrong...
The priority in a relationship shouldn't be solely about how you satisfy her, but rather how you satisfy your own needs too...
Beyond that, you need to build yourself up and learn to satisfy yourself first—trust me, other people will always find their way if you take care of yourself...
She can take care of herself; she found you because you're constantly overextending yourself to please her and relying on Viagra because you've completely neglected your own pleasure—you've put yourself dead last on the list.

If you keep going down this path, you're going to fold the second things get emotionally intense, especially when she starts throwing her moods at you. Basically, you'll end up losing everything you've invested just because you're terrified of losing her, and you'll turn into a total pushover...

You seriously need to talk to a therapist and work on your confidence and learning how to be a bit more "selfish" in bed and in life. If she isn't capable of being sexually devoted to you or making sure you're satisfied, I'd honestly suggest breaking it off. There's no future there. Otherwise, this relationship is just going to consume you until you aren't even a person anymore, just a tool used to meet someone else's needs.

In a few years, you're going to look back at this post and realize... anyway, thanks and take care.

silentangler92 said:So what’s the move here? Do I just come clean now, or do I play it cool and wait a little longer?
I’m seriously grinding, fighting fires on every single front, but honestly... I’m terrified.
If I’d just owned up to the problem right out of the gate, things would be fine. But now? After a whole year of dragging this out?
I AM SCARED AS HELL

What exactly are you scared of? That the relationship is gonna tank?
Honestly, if that's the case, you don't need a woman like that anyway—it’s better to deal with this now than when you can’t perform at all once you have three kids running around...
Is it her reaction you're worried about? Like, that the last year was a waste, or that you were struggling for nothing, or that you won't be good in bed and she'll be disappointed...
If that’s what’s eating you, then you’ve seriously messed up this relationship—you’ve basically handed one person total control over your life and turned yourself into a pushover who’s too afraid to even enjoy being with a beautiful, attractive woman...
Once you stop sweating all that stuff, you'll find you can get it up for her or anyone else you find attractive without any issues...

Just say it and see what happens. Put on that sad, worried face and go, "Look, I'm sorry, I was embarrassed and I didn't mean to hurt you." Whatever. If she accepts it, great—then it's time to fix a relationship where she cheated on you but somehow you ended up taking the blame because you're too scared of her leaving to actually grow some balls. Otherwise, staying married is just gonna be miserable for you...

silentangler92 said:Hey guys

Look, I feel pretty crappy even bringing this up here. I’m hoping you guys can be cool about it and maybe toss some actual advice my way.
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Right at the start of our relationship, I caught her cheating. I ended up forgiving her, and honestly, since then, things have been incredible—almost like that whole mess was the catalyst for us actually feeling something real. That part isn't really what I'm questioning! (I mean, the feelings are mutual).

The real issue is this: ever since that happened, my confidence just tanked. During sex, I started having issues where my "little guy" wouldn't get going, and it absolutely crushed me. To cope, I decided to take some Viagra just to get through it once in a while (low doses).
The problem is, I’ve become way too dependent on it. Now, I feel like I can't do it without it.
I went to see some doctors, and they told me physically I'm fine—just need to drop a few pounds. Then I saw a sex therapist, and after several sessions, we've pinpointed it as a psychological hurdle. We're still intimate, but I just pop a pill whenever I know it's happening. Basically, because of the anxiety, I just don't get turned on anymore without help. I used to be ready to go 24/7.
My therapist is pushing me to just come clean to my girlfriend. But man, I am terrified. Everything is going so well between us that we're actually talking about marriage. We haven't had any issues for months. I just know that relying on Viagra forever isn't exactly a long-term health plan.

How do I even bring this up? I'm scared she'll walk away for a few reasons.
1) I've been lying to her for a year, so she might think I don't trust her.
2) She might think I'm not attracted to her anymore.
And whatever.

Can anyone give me some pointers? How should I tell her, or should I even bother? Has anyone else dealt with this?

P.S. If I'm posting in the wrong spot, let me know where I should be asking.

Honestly, you shouldn't really dive into all your health or mental struggles with a girl until things are serious. Once you're at that stage, people are usually ready to handle the messy parts of a partner, and being upfront is kind of a litmus test for the relationship anyway.

As far as the sexual side goes, you clearly have a confidence issue and a struggle with how you perceive yourself. You aren't ready to accept that you're sensitive in bed or that you have trouble staying up. You won't fix this on your own without involving your partner—you need to talk about those fears and what actually turns you on. At the end of the day, intimacy is the first real indicator of whether two people truly click and if they can accept themselves and each other.

You'll be able to move past the Viagra once you admit there's an issue—once you stop putting pressure on sex to be "perfect" and just let things happen naturally, without the guilt or the forced foreplay. Focus on what drives you crazy about her and stop beating yourself up. Also, seriously, stay away from porn, booze, and a crappy lifestyle.

Scott Nguyen5 said:When someone I know doesn't bother to say hi back, I just stop acknowledging them. Simple as that.
If they want to ignore me, fine—I’ll return the favor. I don't waste any energy wondering why.

Me? I’m all about the big, friendly "good morning!" Usually, people give it right back because, well, it's just common courtesy to be polite to your neighbor, right? It's just good manners. It doesn't mean we have to become best friends or grab a coffee together or anything...

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone. So, my husband and I have been married for nine years, and honestly, I’ve always been so proud of us—our bond, our relationship, everything. But lately? I just feel so let down. About two months ago, I finally saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, and started taking Zoloft. My husband knows everything because we’ve always been totally open with each other... but now, I get this feeling like he just doesn't care anymore. We've been through such a brutal stretch. First, my depression and anxiety hit me hard, and just when things were starting to look up, my dad almost killed my mom. That just absolutely broke me all over again. And look, he isn't some jerk—we get along, and he's technically "there" for me. But it feels like he's not really *there*. We have two kids, ages 7 and 3. I’m basically running the whole show for them, doing everything I can to hold it together so they don't feel the weight of what's happening to me. All I need is him. Just a hug, someone to ask how I'm actually doing, or if I need anything... just some encouragement. Or even just a laugh. But nope. He just says "it'll be fine" and plays video games (and yeah, he does spend time with the kids, it's not like he's ignoring them entirely). Work is stressing him out so much that I feel like he's just focused on his career and nothing else. I work too, and I make just as much as he does, yet I'm still the one carrying the entire mental load of the house. It’s exhausting. When I try to tell him, or even write it down, he gets a little defensive, but then nothing changes. It's like he's decided to just tune me out. I get it, I really do—it’s not easy being with me right now either. But damn, we said "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," didn't we? Yesterday, I finally told him I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I told him I accept this is how it is and I'm done begging him to actually notice me. He was completely blindsided. Like, "Wait, why??" Well, for crying out loud, I told him why. Because I just can't do this anymore.

Look, you really have to learn how to hug and comfort yourself first. Your husband isn't your therapist, and he's not always gonna be the shoulder you cry on. Most of the time, we carry our own weight because people usually don't get what we need—let alone how to meet every single specific need we lay out for them... Just focus on your health and getting better. Take some time for yourself and do whatever matters to you. When things get dark, learn how to be your own comfort, even if that means crying for an hour straight or treating yourself to dinner at a nice restaurant...

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

It sounds like things are just too easy for you right now—you don't have any real responsibilities or life goals that demand strength, focus, purpose, or sacrifice...
That's why, whenever you're bored, your mind drifts to the meaninglessness of life, and that idea of death—which should trigger primal fear in anyone because of the sheer nothingness—feels strangely okay or even depressing to you. You've trivialized death as a way to cope, thinking, "I'll just jump and whatever, it's no big deal, I'll just fall asleep and that's it."
Of course, you'd just be asleep. That's what death is. It isn't scary, it doesn't hurt; it's as natural as being born...
A young guy in his prime should be aiming to live life to the fullest and soak up the world around him. Death should be the absolute last thing on his mind.
Get it together and actually live—and I mean studying, building things, being creative, taking on responsibility and duties... save the thoughts about death for when you're old or when it actually comes knocking at your door. Until then, squeeze every bit of juice out of the life you have left...
And honestly, that whole idea of jumping off a balcony isn't "cool"—it's just stupid, man. You aren't special for feeling this way, believe me...

Brandon Foster7 said:Whether someone’s actually sane or just playing the part, you'll never truly know.
One day you’ll realize how much of a blessing that really is.

Well, screw you...🤣

Jose Green82 said:Alright, here’s the situation... I’m 37, he’s 40. He’s been divorced for about three years—his ex was cheating on him with someone else. We met online two months ago, messaged for two weeks, then started dating. We were both being honest, acting like adults... everything was fine until two weeks ago. Suddenly, he just stops responding. When I finally pushed him for an answer, he told me he can't find himself in a relationship right now and simply isn't ready for anything serious because of the trauma. He admitted he's dealing with depression and anxiety, and that he's on medication. It was Tuesday when he said he'd call me on Saturday. He didn't call. He finally reached out the following Tuesday, we met up, and we had a good talk. He mentioned he's been on pills since this summer—Lexapro 10 mg—because he felt incredibly weak and listless over the summer; there was one week where he couldn't even get out of bed, just lying there, so he ended up seeing a doctor. At that point, he told me he felt better just having opened up to me, that he's glad I know what the problem is and that he appreciates my support while he heals—that a man can't do much when he's alone... all that heartfelt stuff. Then, I wake up the next morning to a text from him:😁Good morning... I was thinking about us and my own issues last night. Right now, I feel terrible and empty, and starting a new relationship is stressing me out—maybe because of my health, or maybe because I'm still fresh from my old relationship (which ended in May after lasting 7 months). I need time to pull myself together and clear my head from everything. Please understand and accept this. I'm not in a place for a new relationship right now. I'm sorry.
I asked him how "terrible and empty" he actually feels. He wrote back saying it's like he's been blocked from feeling love, totally hollowed out, and that all of this is just agonizing for him. He needs time until he feels better.
I texted him back telling him I'm there for him.
Look, I need some advice... please don't come at me with blame. If you have any way to help, let me know. What should I expect? How can I help? How do you guys see this? Because I don't get this sudden "blocked from love" thing after nearly two months of him showing affection and paying attention to me. Is this just a bluff, or is it the antidepressants, or mood swings, or what?

You want to help him, but he's looking for someone to help him...
That's just that negative psychology pattern you two fell into...
He told you straight up that he isn't looking for a relationship. That means exactly one thing—he's not available, and a relationship with him isn't going to work for you.
Any rational person would stop right there...
The fact that you're over here screaming about how to help him tells me you're attracted to people you feel the need to "fix"... and honestly, that's your issue...

It would be smart to realize you have a habit of trying to fix men, but men can only fix themselves. Once he's mature enough for a relationship—if he gets over his past and eventually moves on—and you're single, maybe you can try. But personally, I'd appreciate his honesty and thank him for not leading you on, recognizing his own need so you wouldn't end up playing "mommy" or "savior," and just stepping away from the situation... and thank God you aren't stuck in an emotional rollercoaster with someone like that.

I don't want to stigmatize anyone with mental health struggles here, because we all have our own quirks, fears, projections, hang-ups, and emotional baggage. I just want to say that being in a relationship requires massive capacity—emotional, mental, life-wise... and we shouldn't jump into things unless we or the other person is actually capable of providing that. It's a fact that over 50% of couples enter relationships based on this exact negative psychological pattern, and it's a recipe for disaster down the road...

No need to thank me...

wiredcobra96 said:Hi everyone!
I'm sorry if this topic has already been covered. For as long as I can remember, I've always been pretty shy—unless I'm hanging out with my inner circle of close friends. I honestly thought I had just accepted that this was who I was, but now that I've graduated from college, it’s becoming a massive hurdle. Even though I know I'm great at what I do, I completely freeze up during job interviews. My voice starts shaking, my mind goes blank, and I just can't present my best self. 🤷 It’s getting really frustrating, and I’m feeling a bit lost on how to fix it. Does anyone have any advice on how to push past this? I can't just stay home knowing I'm missing out on opportunities because I struggle to make a good first impression.🤦

Just a little calming pill—nothing crazy, just enough to take the edge off... honestly, the only tricky part is figuring out which one actually works for you...
Medicine's gonna hit you with those years where you finally realize that nobody actually gives a damn about you—everyone’s just looking out for their own skin and seeing the whole world through their own narrow, selfish little lens... and honestly? There's nothing left to do but just keep your head up and push through the wall if you have to, since you haven't got much to lose anyway. No one has the right to judge you, and none of what people say or think about you actually matters...

Steven Murphy2 said:It’s that classic, heavy-as-hell imbalance where you’re constantly sacrificing your personal life just to keep the business side afloat. But honestly—what is even the point of all this? Are we really grinding just to hit some millionaire status right before we retire? Or is the whole idea to actually live—to hang out with friends, grab a drink, and actually show up to things? There’s a time to hustle and there’s a time to chill, period. If your body is totally burnt out, it’s screaming at you to take a break. I mean, if you're obsessively focused on work 24/7, aren't you basically just living like a hermit?

Just being yourself, staying true to who you are and living your own life... honestly, don't sweat what anyone else thinks—most people are stuck in their own little bubbles and won't get you anyway... and besides, there's nothing you can really do to change that...

You’re just a regular woman hitting that middle-age sweet spot—you've already checked off most of those big life goals you used to obsess over. Sure, the years are starting to catch up a little, and maybe those midlife jitters are creeping in... plus, let's face it, we can't exactly live life in fifth gear forever. Sometimes, just being able to actually enjoy the ride is a massive achievement in itself. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter how everyone else sees you—it's about who you are when you're alone, how much you like yourself, and just being okay with where you're at...
Just soak it all in and don't sweat the small stuff. Every stage of life brings a totally different perspective on what actually matters. If your life is steady—work is fine, marriage is solid—then go out and find something new. Grab a fresh challenge outside the office and just enjoy everything you've worked so hard to build...😉

Life isn't always such a drag when you can grab a Bud Light with someone... even if you're just wandering through Central Park.
It’s only dark when you’re getting old, feeling lonely, and totally forgotten behind four walls because you can't even make it out to the park anymore.
Honestly, I don't worry about being alone—it's people that get to me...

Nicholas Lee41 said:Love as an emotion, in every sense of the word.

To me, it’s a double-edged sword, though one side usually carries more weight—and honestly, most of the time, it feels like a curse. It’s the root of weakness, fear, sadness, and suffering; I can't help but feel all of that is just a byproduct of love. But then again, would it actually be better if I swapped it out for its total opposite? You know, hate? Or maybe just complete apathy?
I suppose it wouldn't, though. Even as much as it indirectly throws us curveballs, it seems to be the one thing that actually gives some color to an otherwise gray existence. You're stuck with it, with or without it, so I guess there's not much to be done about it.

I'm curious to hear what you guys think about this emotion—it's something that was glorified and mystified way too much in the past, and now, in the present day, it's constantly being oversimplified by laypeople using pseudo-evolutionary explanations.

People just invented the concept of Love so they could get laid for free...😁
Personally, I don't think Love is for everyone. It’s really meant for mature, responsible people who actually know themselves and have the capacity to care for others. For me, it hasn't worked out—I haven't had a single relationship where I didn't end up getting screwed over because I gave too much of myself and was way too emotionally vulnerable. Because of that, I'm kind of losing faith in the whole idea and am just trying to focus on becoming stronger on my own...

John Grant2 said:Hey,
thanks for getting back to me.

The whole house situation is actually a bit more complicated than it sounds. It’s not like I’m just dropping in for a few days and then vanishing. I’m using my entire vacation time to come home and be with my family because, honestly, I miss them like crazy and just need that time together (makes sense, right?).
Plus, I help out with the family business, so I’m definitely not totally checked out or sitting around doing nothing while I'm here. My parents aren't exactly tech-savvy—they don't really get computers or speak much English—so I basically run the whole show, both online and offline. But when it comes to the hands-on, physical stuff? Yeah, I'm pretty clueless about that part.

And regarding what you said about my mom putting up with me my whole life... yeah, I know. I know I can never truly repay her for everything she's done for me. I've already told her that once she gets tired of everything, she’s more than welcome to move in with me and let me take care of her, so I'm definitely not some ungrateful daughter just showing up to be pampered. In fact, I’m planning on renting a bigger apartment next year specifically with that in mind—making sure there's space for one more person if she ever decides to make the move. I know her life hasn't been easy, and I think living alone now isn't exactly a walk in the park for her either.

As for dating, where does it all go wrong? For instance, guys usually expect things to get intimate—you know, kissing, sex—after maybe two or three dates, especially since they aren't people I've known for long. For me, that feels super awkward. I just can't force myself into it, and it isn't even about whether I find them attractive or not; it's just that I don't feel like we actually *know* each other yet. Naturally, they get offended because they assume I'm just not into them, and that's usually where everything falls apart. They tell me I'm cold or distant... and hey, maybe from their perspective, that's true. Let's be real, though—sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I get that nobody wants to feel rejected. So, what am I looking for? Well, I'd love to just hang out with someone first and get to know them as a person. But again, everyone has different standards. When I try to explain this, people just tell me, "But we've known each other long enough after a couple of weeks!" I wish I could just go out casually for a month or two, talk, build up some trust, and feel comfortable enough to show someone my messy side. For me, feelings only kick in once I actually know someone. My past partners always argued the opposite, saying trust is built through intimacy and that sex is what brings people closer. I don't know who's right! And honestly, what does it matter if I know what I want if the other person isn't on the same page? Clearly, my criteria are "unrealistic" or there's just a major disconnect somewhere.

As for these irrational fears... I have no idea where they come from. I've had anxieties since I was a little kid, but they've really spiraled since I moved out on my own and started working. Before that, I felt way more carefree. Why is that? Who knows.

And it's not like I don't want marriage and kids—quite the opposite, I'd love that. I don't think anyone is really built to live completely alone, and I'm certainly not an exception. I just hope my post didn't come across like I'm some man-hater or someone who's against the idea of family.

If that's just how your sexuality works and you need more time to build trust and relax before being intimate, you should just accept that you might be demisexual. Just call it what it is to your partners without feeling guilty. That's just how you're wired.
And I'll let you in on a secret I haven't told anyone yet—I'm the same way. Even as a guy, it doesn't feel natural to me to hook up without really knowing a woman. I mean, I can if she's really working hard to turn me on, but most of the time it just won't happen—my body just won't respond... For me, talking and getting to know someone is the priority before sex; otherwise, I feel like I'm being pressured or even used, which isn't what I actually wanted. I struggled with this for a long time, and I still do sometimes, because you feel different from most people and start thinking you're not "normal"... but you just have that kind of sexuality, and you really have no choice but to embrace it and just live your life.

Honestly, wanting to move your mom in with you once she gets older... that's a really, really bad idea. Look, just make sure she’s totally set up to live out her golden years right where she is—surrounded by her friends and the life she actually enjoys. If she moves in with you, she'll probably spend all day nitpicking everything, you'll end up feeling constantly guilty, and if you ever bring a guy home, it's just going to be super awkward having your mom trailing behind you both...

Since you’re basically running the show on that part of the business they can't handle, I don't think you owe them anything in terms of vacationing together. Just tell them you seriously need a break and head wherever you want to relax—rent a cute little Airbnb in a nice spot and just enjoy yourself. Don't stress about it. You spend way too much time over-explaining yourself to everyone, including yourself... Seriously, who are you trying to answer to? You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you live your life or who you're attracted to, right...?

Copied from Wikipedia:
Demisexuality

The demisexual flag features gray to represent gray sexuality, white for sexuality, and purple, which usually stands for the community.
Demisexuality describes people who "may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed." According to the Demisexual Resource Center, "Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals." Because everyone defines an "emotional bond" differently, demisexuality feels unique for everyone... Plus, people in the asexual spectrum often switch labels as they go, since identity can be pretty fluid. Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation—whether that's aromantic, gray-aromantic, or demiromantic—and they can also be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or polyromantic.

The idea of demisexuality, or sexuality being tied to an emotional bond, is a huge theme in romance novels—sometimes even called "compulsory demisexuality." In fiction, there's this trope where sex is only truly amazing when the couple is deeply in love, a trait usually linked to female characters. That deep connection also tends to lead to more exclusivity. Demisexuals have gained more visibility through various asexual flags recently. It's worth noting that unlike some other asexuals, demisexuals don't necessarily have a low libido. Some have even compared demisexuality to heavy metal fandom, since so many lyrics focus on the necessity of romantic attraction. Another way to put it is that it "ensues from romantic attraction"... It's basically thought to stem from a fundamental need to feel that a partner is trustworthy.

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

I honestly think you don't have huge issues, you're just being way too hard on yourself and getting caught up in the tiny details.
Like that whole situation with the summer vacation and your mom... I don't really get it. Is it really that hard to just deal with less-than-perfect conditions for a few days and try to focus on the good stuff? Your mom has dealt with you her whole life, so why is it such a struggle for you to practice a little tolerance and just step outside your comfort zone?
On the flip side, you say you're scared, even though you're an adult woman with your own income and you take care of yourself. Why the fear? I'm guessing you're smart with money, you've got savings, you're healthy... there shouldn't be much to worry about.
And then there's the relationship stuff—I think that's your biggest hurdle, and it's fueling all this insecurity. You haven't quite found your footing in romantic relationships, so you naturally try to please everyone else—your boyfriend, your parents, those rigid societal expectations—and it's just driving you crazy.
What if, just for a change, you stopped obsessing over what guys want or what people expect from you, and just said, "Hey, this is how I want to live"? If you don't want a relationship, marriage, or kids... well, there's nothing wrong with that, right?
And I don't get the issue with intimacy either. Is it a trust thing? Are you forcing it? Can't find someone who clicks? Or do you just feel like you don't deserve it?
Those are the areas you need to work on, and things get better once you start standing up for yourself instead of just being passive. Instead of retreating into a corner and listing everything you *can't* do or everything that scares you, try focusing on what you *do* want, what you're looking for, and what actually makes you feel worthy...

That insecurity comes from the fact that you're basically backing yourself into a corner. You feel powerless because you think you have to please everyone, when really, nobody can do that. You've just got this perception that everyone is demanding something from you. Stop playing the victim and become someone who expresses themselves clearly, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Once you do that, guys won't be people who demand things you aren't sure you can give... instead, you'll be the one looking for what *you* need in others...

boldnomad45 said:Are you certain you love her? It seems to me that your relationships, with anyone, are just sources of stress. So much has happened, and you aren't stupid; it always ends up the same way in relationships where two strong personalities clash—this constant struggle for power over who is dominant and who is submissive. The only successful relationships seem to be those where one person submits. I can't play the submissive role anymore; I spent my whole life doing it out of fear, but it isn't in my nature. Looking back, I think I chose dominant partners for that very reason. It irritates me deeply, and I can't stand it. Now I have to live with it. But whatever, I'm here to process it, understand it, and move through it. It feels like the same pattern might be happening with you.

Nah, when two strong egos go head-to-head like that, it burns through love so fast. It turns everything into a competition—either fighting over who’s right or slipping into aggression and manipulation, which has nothing to do with actual love.

Real love is pretty clearly about togetherness, intimacy, respect, tolerance, and genuinely caring about your partner's happiness. Anything outside of that is just games people play to protect their own egos...

I still love her and she's definitely attractive, but she has absolutely worn me down. Right now, I'm just pissed off and hurt. We really should have called it quits a few years ago; back then, she already knew this wasn't what she wanted long-term—marriage, engagement, kids, the whole nine yards. I had a feeling, but I played dumb because it was hard to face the reality. Of course, I never pressured her into anything. She probably felt like she had something to prove, maybe hoping the feelings for me would just magically come back, but she’s not exactly the soft, emotional type. She's more of a "tough guy" personality—thinks romance is for fools or whatever... and I spent all this time trying to find the feminine side of her, but it was a lost cause. Now she's telling me that if we break up, there's zero chance of ever being together again—just occasional hookups and nothing else.

That said, some level of dominance is necessary in a relationship. I mean, think about it—you don't want a guy who's totally passive and boring in bed, right? No woman wants that long-term. We all have these biological or learned roles we lean into, and that gender identity matters. In a healthy dynamic, the man takes a positive kind of lead while the woman expresses her femininity. If it’s flipped—like if she’s acting like the man and he’s acting like the girl—it just isn't going to work properly, is it?
So yeah, dominance is fine, just not in the sense of two egos constantly pulling against each other in a fight to see who wins...

Peter Murphy6 said:See? Things aren't actually that bad after all.
You stood up for yourself—totally naturally—without any issues at all.

Do you think you shouldn't be afraid of change?

Personally, I’m "only" not afraid because, like I said, I'm used to sudden and sometimes pretty drastic shifts.
You just lean into that sense of habit, and honestly, the thought just becomes "who gives a f*ck anymore."

I brought up your mom because you mentioned living a life of constant fighting with a mother who screwed you over. (Which, hey, just makes things harder for you—you're holding yourself back and shifting the blame onto her.)
I really hope that move you made brought you some kind of peace.

I think I get what's holding you back—it's the hurdles.
Be there for yourself, not in relation to anyone else. You're competing with yourself and your own limits, not comparing yourself to other people.
Given your own situation and what you're capable of, are you (right now) at an objectively satisfying level of winning against your own demons?

And that whole idea of "shaking it off"... that's a pretty subjective thing...

For me, this change is huge.
I’m losing the woman I love, and man, emotionally that's a heavy hit... it hurts, and it’s gonna take a long, long time to heal.
Plus, my whole life is getting flipped upside down—moving, hunting for a new apartment, finding babysitters, figuring out childcare when the kid is with me, probably switching jobs too... not to mention dealing with everyone's judgment over the whole situation.

I don't care much about what others think, though. I "beat" that part of myself a long time ago by realizing nobody is better or worse than anyone else—everyone has their wins and their losses.

But myself? Not so much... because seeing my family fall apart feels like a personal failure, maybe even the biggest one yet. My faith is the only thing keeping me upright, helping me stay strong, keep loving, and stay humble—I'm not asking for much.
I don't know, I keep getting this weird mix of relief and sadness, but I can't really let either feeling out...

Cutting ties with my mom makes me feel fake-proud... I still feel guilty, like I'm just being a jerk and a bad son.