Posts by slypuma17

amberfox4 said:But why on earth would you pretend to be ill just so people would pity you or, worse, mock you? Please, let's have some dignity.
For my part, as I grow older, I find it increasingly easy to simply be blunt with these nosy acquaintances and make it crystal clear that their lack of manners is showing.

It's simply because I'm putting in much less effort.
Once you set a firm boundary, people usually don't dare to push it again.

Because once you tell someone you don't want kids, you've essentially thrown down the gauntlet. I'm speaking from experience here.

Whenever the opportunity arises, you'll be met with some "well-meaning" or unsolicited comment, and over the long haul, that is incredibly draining—especially if these are people you see regularly, say at your office in Chicago, or even close friends.
You end up having to justify yourself constantly. It’s relentless.
They might ask you something like, "Do you just hate children?" 🙄
And it keeps going like that. They might even try to needle you or make little jabs whenever they get the chance.
😉

With the other option, they might be annoyed for a moment, but they'll eventually leave me alone. 😁

amberfox4 said:Hah, honestly, that's exactly what people say to me: "Oh, just wait until you get the urge!" As if wanting children is something that just happens to you against your will, like a sudden bout of the flu.🙄
As if my desire were somehow tethered to theirs, or as if their sudden impulse would magically transfer over to me and my husband.

Sure, sure, "once you find the right one." 😬

That’s easily the best one. It might actually hold water if we were talking about a single girl, but try saying that to a woman who is already in a committed relationship...🙄

I honestly find myself losing patience for these kinds of debates. I'm thinking about adopting a new strategy for when I encounter people who don't know me yet.
The older I get, the more this question is going to be shoved in my face. Maybe it would be easier to just break down in tears and claim I can't have children; at least then the provocateurs might back off for good once they feel a sense of shame—which they really should, given how much they stick their noses where they don't belong—instead of me having to explain myself endlessly. 😁

Gerald Scott4 said:I totally agree with the bolded part, though with one little tweak... we're going to have a whole pack of dogs.😁

I’m just not a dog person. Not even a little bit. It isn't just about the basic stuff—the walks, the swimming, the constant playing—it’s the sheer volume of responsibility. You're looking at endless training sessions, managing their diet, and basically being a full-time caregiver. For me, it's just too much.😁

One dog feels like you've only added half a child to the household, but try bringing home three, and suddenly it’s like you’re raising a toddler and a half. 😬
Same here.

boldstag33 said:Thanks! I wasn't quite sure where to drop this thread... I'm new here 🙂

Well, you certainly made sure it reached an audience by posting it across at least three different subforums, from what I can see.
It’s not as if we don't already have a million threads like this floating around the site.

I don't particularly have a burning desire for kids myself, but even then, I wouldn't dream of opening a thread about it in the Parenting section. It feels a bit tone-deaf to walk into a room full of parents just to declare, "I don't want children, I really don't." 🙂

How exactly do you plan on having a real conversation when you're fighting a war on three different fronts, constantly dealing with people jumping in to tell you that you're "abnormal"?
By just copy-pasting your way through the backlash?
🤷

Jacob Wood9 said:I have to say, I agree with you one hundred percent. It’s always the same pattern with these types. The guy spends twenty years absolutely wrecking everything in his path, leaving nothing but a trail of destruction behind him, and then—out of nowhere—he suddenly finds himself at a Chase branch, completely reformed. Suddenly, he’s making little pottery figurines or singing in some local church choir, and everyone starts acting like he’s some kind of saint. It’s almost funny how people immediately start marveling at where he supposedly found the strength to overcome all the evil in the world, as if that chaos wasn't entirely his own doing.
Honestly, it’s kind of ridiculous. There are plenty of other people out there who didn't exactly spend their time searching for some grand, cosmic purpose; they just took a job in construction, bought a house in the suburbs, raised two kids, and made sure the bills were paid on time. They didn't spend their entire lives lost in some heroin-induced haze, so I suppose it’s no wonder nobody is throwing them a parade or treating them like heroes.

...and meanwhile, they’re busy lecturing everyone else, insisting that if you light up just one joint, you’ll inevitably end up shooting up in an alleyway. 🙄

Apemant said:Are you absolutely certain about that? 😍

I am. Are you suggesting there’s a subset of people—vegetarians, the LGBTQ+ community, or people with disabilities, for instance—who are somehow genetically incapable of being malicious or spiteful?

Quincy:

No, but what exactly do you mean by "malice"? Are you referring to "spite"—that specific impulse where you wish something bad would happen to someone simply because they stepped on your toes?

We’ve already covered the concept of malice in a previous thread.
My view is this: if we look at it as a spectrum—malicious, more spiteful, and then the absolute superlative of "evil"—😁 I’d say "malice" is relatively benign. It’s those small, petty slights, the subtle jabs, the constant undermining, or just throwing a little shade to get a reaction. There’s an element of mischief to it; it’s why we describe a toddler as being "malicious" rather than calling them "pure evil."
🤷

Spite, on the other hand, sits somewhere in the middle. It’s schadenfreude—finding a bit of joy in someone else's misfortune—or actively wishing for someone to fail. Sometimes it involves light manipulation, like spreading rumors or stirring up drama between friends. But when we talk about an "evil person," we’re talking about a total commitment—someone who invests their full energy and will into doing harm. 🤷

Anthony Taylor393 said:Seeing Serena Williams get disqualified really got me thinking about this. I guess we all have this weird urge to put people on pedestals and turn them into icons.

Most of us were totally idolizing Serena... then it hit us a few days later that having a disability doesn't make someone a literal superhero who’s incapable of lying or faking things, or somehow just more emotionally advanced than the rest of us.

We’re all pretty quick to slap positive labels on people based on just one thing about them. Like, if you hear someone is gay, you probably just assume they’re this super open-minded liberal type. Just look at George W. Bush—he definitely wasn't exactly pushing liberal agendas.🙄

I once got into it on a forum with this guy who was a hardcore vegetarian Buddhist, but he was talking total nonsense about people from other faiths. Did his diet actually make him a better human being? Probably not.🤷

Have you guys ever fallen for that "positive discrimination" trap and ended up feeling let down later?

A long time ago.
And I wouldn't say I was disappointed so much as I was caught off guard.

Disappointment usually stems from unmet expectations, whereas surprise hits when you stumble upon something you were certain couldn't exist in that particular space.

It taught me a hard truth: no one walking this earth is immune to malice. It doesn't matter if you're a Buddhist, someone living with a disability, a skater, a short guy, a metalhead, or what your background might be... nobody is exempt.

There’s a certain kind of paranoia lurking inside all of us... just waiting for its moment to strike. 😁

Amanda Stewart7 said:It sounds like you’re describing a specific manifestation of schizoaffective disorder—those delusions or irrational fixations where someone holds onto beliefs that simply have no basis in reality. It's about false certainties built on nothingness.
The thing about true delusions is that you can't just talk someone out of them. It doesn't matter how much education they have or what their background is; you can't reason with a broken perception of reality.
A patient might be convinced they're being followed, that there's some massive conspiracy against them, or that their phone is being tapped. They might even believe they have this "special" ability to receive messages through the media. Then there’s the idea of ideas of reference—that feeling that everything everyone else does is somehow directed at them, or assigning deep, hidden meaning to totally mundane, everyday occurrences...

It’s an absolute impossibility. If you even attempt to walk them through the cracks in their logic, they’ll just turn around and accuse you of being one of "them."
😁

In my view, biology is the only way forward. We're talking about chemical intervention—therapy via a prescription bottle.

"Since I started the meds, they've vanished from my sight. I think I've finally become too boring for them to bother with." 😂

It’s perfectly rational—even necessary—to harbor a certain level of anxiety regarding surveillance if you actually have something worth watching. We aren't talking about the average citizen here; I mean diplomats, high-ranking politicians, industry titans, or anyone sitting on proprietary data or significant influence. 😁

However, when the local barista or the guy working the counter at a neighborhood deli starts convinced they're being tracked by some shadowy, nebulous "deep state" entity—rather than just an angry ex-spouse—we’ve crossed a line. Unless you're living in a Cold War-era East Berlin bunker, 😁, that isn't vigilance; it's pure paranoia. 😢

Yet, there seems to be a strange irony at play. Those who possess legitimate, tangible reasons to fear oversight don't tend to spiral into these wild conspiracy theories. It’s usually the people with zero leverage and absolutely nothing of interest to offer who spend their time convincing themselves they are the epicenter of some massive intelligence operation.

Any megalomaniacal attempt to grasp and explain every single occurrence—both visible and unseen—within one perfectly logical, self-contained system is doomed to fail unless you introduce some unprovable element to act as the glue holding it all together.

Essentially, we’re talking about a specific brand of faith. Except, instead of God, this version swaps out divinity for a handful of people pulling the strings. These are the ones who supposedly make every decision, possess all the answers, and treat the rest of us like puppets on a stage. We end up attributing divine attributes to mere mortals.
And, predictably, people tend to hate those types. 🤷

The pattern is always the same: first, you manufacture these "gods," and then inevitably, the rebellion follows. It’s the only way it works. 😁

After all, nothing can truly be an accident if there are "them"—those omniscient, all-seeing overseers—controlling every variable, right?
If a pigeon decides to ruin your brand-new suit or if you drop your toast butter-side down, it isn't hard to find someone to blame. We already know who it is. "Them!" 😠
😂

shadowtrucker18 said:I suppose I should address what shadowtrucker18 mentioned earlier. It’s an interesting perspective, though perhaps a bit narrow in its scope, if I may say so. There is a certain logic to it, I guess, but one might argue that we aren't looking at the full picture here. Maybe.

That isn't even the core issue, really. The real headache is figuring out how to actually explain to them which side they ought to be taking. In every single experiment we’ve run up to this point, everyone just sort of drifted off toward their own respective sides, completely indifferent to the direction we were trying to steer them. I guess it's more of a communication hurdle than anything else, maybe.

I suppose there comes a point where one has to accept that risk is an inherent part of life—like the moment a turtle actually decides to snap at a rabbit. That isn’t exactly something you could just brush off as trivial. And then, naturally, you’d have the rabbit bolting under the bed, disappearing into some dark corner where, frankly, not even the most determined soul could ever hope to coax it out.

🤷

🤣 I find it hard to believe any turtle could actually land a bite on a rabbit.

Unless, of course, you decide to cram them both into the same pet carrier. 🤷

shadowtrucker18 said:I get all that, really, but a buddy of mine actually has a tortoise and a rabbit, so we went out to see how that dynamic plays out in real life. The verdict? It doesn't work at all.👍

Fables aren't meant to be taken as literal field guides for animal behavior.
Often, they serve as symbolic snapshots of human nature and personality traits.
Jean de La Fontaine was a master at that particular craft.

Someone who actually admits they’re a bad person—assuming they aren't just lying to themselves—at least possesses a shred of honesty.

And honestly, in this day and age, that's saying something.

Sandra Parker3 said:1.

2.

I guess I could actually be useful to you once in a while.

3.

maybe I'll actually need her help at some point!"

4.

... the frog shrieked, unable to wrap her head around what had just happened.

😵

The lesson here: self-interest clouds everything.

You hit the nail on the head there.

That frog isn't quite as innocent or "oblivious" as she’d like to pretend.
She didn't catch that Scorpion because she was being naive; she did it because she thought she could outsmart the situation.

She underestimated the Scorpion, assuming it was less clever than she was.

And well, that kind of arrogance usually comes with a price.

Sean Doyle4 said:Old question: when friends betray you and you realize they were never actually your friends, how do you move past the hurt and bitterness? How do you stop the urge for revenge and the spiral of self-pity?

I met this guy once when he was going through some stuff. I was there for him, listening to his problems over and over. Then, my own life hit a rough patch, and while he managed to pull through, I stayed stuck. Right around then, he claimed he’d fallen for me. I knew it was a lie—he barely knew me; I was basically just his unpaid therapist. So, I pulled away for a bit. Things kept getting worse for me, and I really needed someone to listen, especially since he had experience with things I thought might help. After a few months, things felt settled enough that I tried talking to him again. It turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time. When we finally met up in person, his interest vanished instantly (let's just say I'd gained some weight due to the stress). Honestly, I could see the selfish motive behind his "desire to help" all along, even if he denied it, but it still stunned me how little effort he puts in now. Now, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know what I can do to help." And before, I couldn't get him to leave me alone.

The urge for revenge is eating at me, but it's useless. There's nothing I could say that would matter to him, and even if I said the most cutting things possible to hurt him, it wouldn't help me. The bitterness would just stay. I need to let go of this resentment, but I have no idea how. It's especially hard seeing him—the one who used me and hurt me—suddenly having everything go his way, while this was just the final straw for me. Self-pity is setting in too. Why does everything have to turn upside down? Why does it feel like nothing I do matters because he can always twist things against me? I just want to scream to God and the whole world—it isn't fair!!! How do I get rid of this feeling of being wronged?

Things were spiraling downward for me, and I desperately needed someone to listen and lend a hand—someone with the kind of experience I thought might actually help me navigate my own mess.

I need to let go of this resentment, but I’m stuck. It’s especially hard when I see how he just took advantage of me and left me hurt, yet everything seems to be falling perfectly into place for him. For me, it was just the final straw.

So, you were helping him, plain and simple. Was it purely out of the goodness of your heart, or did you have a quiet expectation that he’d return the favor if you ever hit a wall? To me, it looks like there was an unspoken expectation there.
You held onto these hopes without ever voicing them, essentially waiting for him to sense the need and step up, while he operated under the assumption that since you weren't asking for anything, you didn't need anything.

Did he make any promises to repay you? No—at least from what I can gather, please correct me if I've misread the situation.
Did you ask for anything? Not a thing. 🤷

Since there was never a clear "contract" in place that could be breached, calling it exploitation feels like a stretch.
It’s really more about your own perception, driven by those underlying motives you didn't mention.

It’s a bit of a binary, isn't it? Either you give freely with zero expectations and accept that nothing may come back, or you state clearly, "this is a trade," and only then can you claim you've been wronged if the other side fails to deliver. ☕

But pretending to offer unconditional support while secretly tallying up what you're owed—and then getting upset when the balance stays at zero—is a touch hypocritical. Sorry, but that's just the reality of it.

Amanda Myers3 said:I'm dealing with depression too... but it's all connected anyway. It's impossible to be happy when you never feel good enough for yourself...

There is a massive difference between having high standards and ambitions, and essentially hating yourself because you can't reach some phantom perfection—an ideal we’ve basically hallucinated into existence ourselves.
Where do we draw the line? When is something actually "good enough," and when will that nagging little inner critic finally shut up and just let us live? 🤷

Try making a list of everything you think you "must" do to finally feel worthy of your own respect.
Then, take everything on that list that is fundamentally impossible and cross it out. As for the things that are actually doable, try pursuing them with a different mindset: focus on enjoying the work itself. Try to find satisfaction in the process, rather than treating life like a grueling marathon where the finish line is the only thing that matters.

Amanda Myers3 said:Perfectionism is defined as the pursuit of flawlessness, where individuals strive for absolute excellence across all facets of life (Flett and Hewitt, 2002).

According to Slaney, Robert, et al. (1995), perfectionism is comprised of four distinct dimensions:
- maintaining extremely high standards
- orderliness
- tendencies toward procrastination
- interpersonal difficulties.

Modern psychological science distinguishes between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. Adaptive perfectionism involves setting high standards and values, whereas maladaptive perfectionism centers on the perception that one can never meet those lofty goals ("nothing is ever good enough").

Positive perfectionism involves thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching high standards to achieve successful outcomes; it is driven by a desire for achievement and results in genuine satisfaction.

Negative perfectionism refers to thoughts and behaviors driven by the need to reach high standards simply to avoid negative consequences; it is fueled by fear of failure rather than a drive for success.

More recent conceptualizations divide perfectionism into two categories—perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns—while classifying individuals into three groups: healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and non-perfectionists.

While several theories attempt to explain the development of perfectionism, many have yet to undergo rigorous empirical testing.

This is a general discussion thread regarding perfectionism. It is intended for debating theoretical concepts, raising specific issues, sharing perspectives, or offering advice. Please adhere to the standard forum rules. Given that this thread was originally established in 2008, please check the timestamps before replying to ensure you aren't responding to ancient posts.

__________________________________________________ ______

I am struggling with perfectionism...
In my world, everything has to be flawless. I feel compelled to achieve constantly and be the best at everything I do—if I’m not, the activity stops being fun and just becomes frustrating. I also feel the need to look perfect (since I don't fit certain beauty ideals—I don't have a large bust or a curvy figure, and frankly, I hate my appearance). There is plenty more to list.
I set incredibly high standards for myself, and even if I actually meet them, I just raise the bar even higher.

Is anyone else fighting this same battle? Or has anyone actually managed to overcome perfectionism?

I read a book recently that suggested we should allow ourselves to be average... but I have to ask: why would anyone consciously choose to be mediocre?

That is quite literally the absolute pinnacle of perfectionism. 😁

Do you realize that by clinging to that particular brand of idealism, you’re essentially just adding another layer to your already exhaustive list of perfectionist tendencies?
And that right there? That’s easily the absolute worst kind. 🙂

I was flipping through this book recently... it makes this rather provocative argument that we ought to give ourselves permission to simply be average. It’s an interesting thought, I suppose, but it leaves me scratching my head. Why on earth would anyone consciously choose to settle for mediocrity? Is there actually some hidden virtue in aiming for the middle of the pack?

Well, wanting that is just as legitimate and perfectly reasonable as having the ambition to be above average.
It’s simply easier to reach—and significantly easier to sustain. When you’re sitting at the summit, there is always that looming threat of a fall, the constant possibility of being dethroned. Maintaining that kind of peak performance requires an exhausting amount of upkeep. You have to pour in so much more effort just to stay level, whereas when you’re just an average Joe, you don't really have to do anything at all. There is a certain peace in being mediocre. You live a quiet, carefree life; you aren't constantly pushing against the grain or dealing with the frustration of high stakes. No one views you as a threat, no one is looking at you with envy, and nobody expects anything extraordinary from you. Plus, you actually find common ground with more people because there are so many others living in that same middle ground. It’s quite simple, really... a sort of suburban nirvana. 👋

crimsonhound80 said:What’s with all this nationalist nonsense Scorpion 🙄

In America, people call it a Scorpion—but honestly, let's just ignore the complete lack of grammatical sense here. I happen to be a Scorpion myself, and frankly, I can't stand slimy creatures... which includes frogs. I’d never trust a frog with my life; they're just fundamentally untrustworthy little things 😠

Technically, a Scorpion is the male, while a scorpion is the female. 😁

let’s just overlook the lack of basic grammar here; I am a Scorpion myself, and I have no patience for slimy creatures—like frogs, for instance. You could never trust a frog with your life; they simply aren't reliable types.😠

Brilliant. 👍

Frogs are just dim-witted. They don't trip you up out of malice; it’s just their default setting. 😁

Ronald Rogers27 said:I agree with the sentiment, but everyone handles things differently. Some people just can't let go, some can, and others just put their faith in Life and trust the process. 🤷

It really comes down to probability. Not every frog acts like a typical frog, just like you can't expect every Scorpion to act like a textbook Scorpion.

(if you're a frog, you either take the leap or you don't)

Ronald Rogers27

And then there are the ones who masquerade as toads when they are, in truth, Scorpions.
The reverse is true as well.

I’ve come to believe that there is no such thing as a "pure" frog or a "pure" Scorpion.
We all play the part of the frog to some people and the Scorpion to others—just as everyone else we encounter shifts between being our friend and being our adversary depending on the day. 😉