There are so many people here I would personally love to meet and have a real conversation with... Sigh...
And please, don't push my buttons, Donna White50, Laughter... 😂 But regarding much of what you said, you aren't wrong... I want more; I know I am capable of more...
Is there any point? Do you bother people this much in your private life too? Laughter 😢
I want to keep control over my own destiny... If putting in extra effort were easy, I'd be there. What I'm lacking is motivation—that inner certainty that I will actually succeed... Heh
Donna Doyle2, I have a PDF topic regarding health and nuts. Those are some of the things that trouble me. Actually, they trouble me quite deeply. 😞
What if I have spent my entire life dreaming of becoming something more than what society dictates as an "average" existence? What if I am actually striving for something greater?
Well, things are looking up slightly... college is finally winding down, though it should have been finished ages ago. I managed to pull through, I suppose. Now, finals are coming up in September; just the thought of sitting for those exams gives me a headache. My father struggles with bipolar disorder, and honestly, everything feels like too much right now. Especially my own head. But I’m pushing through somehow...
I can't seem to shake this perfectionism and OCD. The other day, I was talking to a friend who mentioned she needed to clean her apartment but couldn't find the energy; I decided to offer some "motivation" by sending her a photo of my own room. Naturally, she just joked, "You're sick, haha." Thanks. I agree—I am never relaxed. My mind is never quiet. There are constant questions and endless analyses running through my head that drive me toward insanity...
I've tried everything. The gym, hiking through the woods, walking, running... I don't know anymore. Nothing motivates me; nothing brings me joy. That's why I'm getting out of here this weekend and the next. I'm going to get lost just so I can find myself. I know that despite all the doubt and lack of willpower, I want to finish this degree and pursue programming. But then there's the reality check: I'm already 25 years old with zero professional experience under my belt.
I hear you, Steven Lopez77, but why do you think I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet? What can I say? I already told you how much everything has fallen apart since my MDMA episode...
It's true, Carl Rivera43. I agree with you completely...
Ah, I'm trying, Andrew Doyle. I don't know; I'm constantly overthinking things without even knowing why. I am simply waiting for one specific person. She is the only one who has earned that privilege, and I will wait for her as long as necessary... But college, this damn college... and the decisions I have to make. I don't know if the next two weekends will be about finding myself or losing what's left of me. :S
The last few months of this year haven't been entirely terrible. However, I find myself trapped in a constant cycle of doubt and anxiety. Beyond the fear of failure, there is an overwhelming amount of resentment, sadness, and bitterness regarding my own life and the choices I've made. Every day I head into this job, but it provides absolutely no fulfillment; it brings no joy, just a repetitive loop of sitting in an office wondering why I am even here..
I have gone on several interviews to try and switch careers, but nothing I actually want is working out. Apparently, they won't take me without experience, or at least not until I finish my degree in college. Everyone demands experience, yet nobody is willing to provide it or teach me. As for college, I am constantly questioning if I even want to finish it, if I can, or if I can't. I doubt my own abilities and potential, despite being quite intelligent—I certainly have enough ego regarding my intellect—but does that matter if I lack ambition? I want to break free from a past that has haunted me for years, following me daily through my work, my coffee breaks, and even my dreams. I want to silence those voices in my head rather than just trying to muffle them; I want to replace them with peace, silence, or better words. I want that manic voice sending me suicidal thoughts to simply vanish, so that I might actually enjoy this second chance at life.
No matter how much I question the education system, I know I don't want to work for a measly $3,000 a year. I plan to move abroad. I want to live without constantly overanalyzing everything or philosophizing about every single question. I want to enjoy people's company instead of running away the moment they speak. I need to shed this hatred and dissatisfaction, just accept this damn education and finally finish this stupid degree... I don't know how to motivate myself or clear my head of these intrusive, suicidal thoughts. My only motivation on the drive home is the sheer dissatisfaction with my job. When I get home, it's just cigarettes and music, living in an illusion of what reality could be. I feed myself a life that only exists in my mind. There is so much I cannot forgive, forget, or leave behind, and by holding onto it, I am letting it drag me down when I could simply let go and be free. I cling to things that are utterly useless. Perfectionism is driving me mad. By obsessing over the future and ruminating on the past, I ignore the present. I am searching for something I feel I may have lost forever, something left in the rearview mirror. But that is tied to one specific person, and I am terrified of failing them again because they mean everything to me..
I want to let go of "everything" I am afraid of losing, yet there is so much I refuse to lose. I need to get my chaotic head in order; I am 25 years old now, and I don't know. This weekend, I am heading to the coast to try and pull myself together, to reflect, and to attempt to find some sense of purpose, will, or the ambition to live the life I dream of. Next weekend, I am traveling somewhere outside of the US, just to get away from everyone and everything. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. I want to return to who I used to be and stop dragging the past behind me like a weight. I need to stop punishing myself for things that can no longer be changed, and stop dwelling on the idea that it would be better if I weren't here—that isn't mature or healthy thinking. I need to step out of this box that exists only in my imagination.
I know I am capable of more, that I deserve more. I want to believe that I wasn't born for small things. But this doubt, fear, and anxiety act like a blindfold, obscuring everything important. This cycle feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. I know I cannot continue living like this; I don't want to. I want to find motivation and shake off everything that keeps me stuck in a fog. It is a paradox: I want to be happy, but then I immediately start thinking about the very things that plunge me back into depression... :S
Do you honestly think I’m the type to walk into a Starbucks, dump my phone, wallet, and a pack of Marlboros on the table, then scatter sugar packets everywhere like some kind of slob?
In my own room, there is absolutely zero clutter. Everything is perfectly in its place. At most, you might find a shirt or two neatly draped over a chair or laid across some pants. My room is always spotless. My closet is organized to perfection. Honestly, I obsess over tidying up so much that I end up annoying everyone around me—and myself. 😂
It’s incredibly draining, honestly. It causes nothing but frustration for everyone around me... but perhaps the worst part is my own mindset. I either want everything, or I want absolutely nothing. If it isn't executed perfectly, exactly how I envisioned it, then what is even the point? It's just zero.
In case you missed it, I was the one in the red shirt, white sneakers, and those shredded shorts. If you manage to spot me before I start shouting at everyone, let me know. haha
Honestly, Andrew Doyle, I think people—and the government itself—have much bigger issues to worry about than some meeting spot for "mentally unstable" individuals. Haha 😂 All joking aside, even Americans hold public meetings. They pick a location, set a time, reserve a table... the whole nine yards. And from what I can see, besides having a good time, they didn't run into any trouble at all.
So, where's the final destination? Also, if anyone happens to run late, they should probably drop a note here so they know where to head. I recall people frequently meeting up right there at the Starbucks palm tree, if my memory serves me...
I’ll have some money eventually, I suppose. 😜 Who cares about money anyway... It isn't that I enjoy socializing—quite the opposite. I can't stand people. What eats at me most about my job is having to work in a team. But here, there are plenty of like-minded individuals, plenty of smart, high-quality people. I would love to actually hold a conversation with them, but they're all useless. As for hanging out with US-men, I might, but I'm not out here looking for a girlfriend or anything... Just save your energy. At work, you just do exactly what you're paid for. Haha 😁