Posts by Jerry Martinez5

electricdriver93 said:Architecture was just an example.😉
My parents did suggest a major for me (I wouldn't call them crazy, by the way), but they backed off immediately once I rolled my eyes at the idea of med school.😁
Edit: Oh, right, it just came back to me. They basically said, "Fine, if that's what you want, go for it. Just don't expect us to pay for your apartment in New York if you can't stay on top of your credits."

There’s a massive distinction between being given a suggestion and being pressured. Or even worse, being put in a position where you aren't even allowed to ask questions—where it's just assumed you'll fall in line and study whatever they've decided for you, whether that's med school or law.

It’s fine for a parent to help a kid grasp the actual consequences of their choices. They should probably figure out what they’ll actually study at that university they're so obsessed with, what they can even do with that degree, and what the job market looks like—including specific roles and the kind of income they might expect to see. I guess it's just common sense.

So, once I finally picked my major, my mom tried to talk me into a different track within the same college—something she claimed would offer better job prospects. I shut that down immediately. I mean, I refused her, obviously. Even though, I guess, her suggestion wasn't actually a bad one.

electricdriver93 said:It seems to me that you need to be raised in such a way—though I'm not sure how one actually achieves that😳—that when they GENTLY SUGGEST a specific major, you already possess enough self-awareness to say firmly: "No thanks, I'm going into architecture. That's what I want."
And then they just shrug grumpily and leave it at that.🤷

Look: I don't know anyone who complains about their parents. But honestly, thank God neither my folks, nor any of my friends' parents, were crazy enough to try and dictate our college majors. I actually asked my parents once why they never pushed me toward anything specific. Their answer? It's too big of a life decision, and they didn't want me blaming them if things went south.

Yet, I know several people whose parents basically forced them into degrees they hated. And none of those people ever actually graduated.

And why on earth would someone shrug at architecture? It's a prestigious, high-impact field. It's definitely the most useful path if it's the one you chose yourself, because you actually have an interest in it. Especially nowadays, with how fast jobs change, you really need to study something you care about. You have to keep the joy of learning alive, since you'll probably be learning new things until you retire.

wirednomad42 said:so my question is—am I actually obligated to help my kid reach their full potential and become a functional, responsible adult?
(thanks for the input, 😁 )

of course you are. but if you don't have the heart for it—if it feels like a total drag—then why on earth did you have a kid in the first place? 😕
either you've got "bad" parents who stifle everything, or they just don't give enough attention. personally, I've dealt with the latter, so that's really what I'm getting at—if having a kid feels more like a burden than a joy, what's the point? 😕
and fine, sure, vent once in a while. whatever. but I know so many people living with their in-laws, renting apartments, having zero patience or energy for kids, yet somehow they go out and have two more. 😕
I don't get it. 🤷

no, it's not about being a manager. 😉

What do you mean by "obligated"? (helping them reach their peak potential) I guess you're only as obligated as you are aware of what they can actually do and how much opportunity you can provide. I don't really think every parent is "obligated" to make that happen. Honestly, that kind of support is mostly reserved for wealthy, well-educated parents; once they hit their limit, they just pay for private tutors or extra coaching.

Or are you assuming the kid's talent will stay within the limits of your own abilities? 😁

A kid isn't a carbon copy of you. They’ll probably outpace you at some point, maybe even before they finish elementary school. Once that happens, you won't be able to help them "reach their potential" anymore. And if you're living in some small rural town while the kid has massive ambitions... well, things get complicated.

hiddenmarlin14 said:Then you have that moment where your kid looks at you and says, "Forget the sandbox and the plastic shovel," because suddenly they’re obsessed with learning the guitar—something totally random. Or maybe you’ve built this successful company, and while the kid actually has the chops to run the whole show, they couldn't care less about the bottom line. They just want to head off to art school instead.

I once knew this guy whose dad was a high-powered attorney. Naturally, the son was expected to follow in those footsteps and grind through law school. Then one day, he just hit his breaking point, dropped everything, and decided to become a sanitation worker. It wasn't even that he couldn't find better work; he just did it purely to spite his old man. I don't know all the specifics, unfortunately.

Or take my friend. She finished her degree in musicology and got her Master’s in instrumental studies, but she doesn't push it on anyone. Yet, her three-year-old is already enrolled in weekly violin lessons. Who knows? Maybe the kid will end up wanting to be an architect one day. 🤷

Those aren't really the same thing. The kid could still end up being an architect even if he learns violin. We'll just have to wait and see if she tries to force him into whatever mold she's already built for him.

That first story happens way too often, and honestly, it's pretty messed up. I don't get why parents would be so intentional about making their kids miserable. When I talk to people who dropped out during their senior year of college, that's usually the underlying issue: parents forcing a path they didn't want. You end up meeting forty-somethings who are still fighting their parents instead of having dealt with it back in high school.😢

hollowtrucker77 said:well, if that’s how it goes, it would honestly be a public service to prevent you from passing those genes along to a new generation

hello? isn't that basically an insult? 😠

I think you owe me an apology. 🙂

Jeremy Alvarez5: Her guy is psychotic. He needs help. First, he needs to stick to his meds consistently, and then, once things settle down, maybe some psychotherapy.

If he actually agrees to treatment, there’s no reason for her to walk away. In that case, she’s being a support system. When he finally accepted help, I was there for my brother, just like I am today.

But if he refuses treatment, she’s just enabling his illness. Tomorrow, he could lose it and decide she's some kind of monster he needs to take out. Staying with him doesn't help unless he's already under medical care. If he rejects that, it's probably better for both of them if she just leaves.

You have to help someone who’s actually asking for it.

If you've got a sick family member who refuses any kind of real assistance, then making them lunch, doing their laundry, and handing over cash isn't actually helping. You're just subsidizing their illness and facilitating their downward spiral.

A lot of people do this because they're ashamed. They worry about what the neighbors might think. So, they hide the sickness from the world, playing along to make the person seem totally fine. It’s essentially the same as if someone had cancer and you encouraged them to skip the hospital just so you wouldn't look bad. I guess you'd rather see them die than deal with the embarrassment. 👎

Jeremy Alvarez5 said:It’s not even really about him believing that reptilians are going to descend upon Earth—I mean, David Icke thinks they’ve been running the show since forever—it’s more about the fact that he’s actually terrified of them. He just doesn't seem to have any kind of mental defense mechanism against stuff like that, I guess. Maybe he just hasn't figured out how to wrap his head around it yet.

I mean, to actually buy into something like that, you’d probably have to believe and disbelieve a whole bunch of other things at the same time, which I guess just makes his entire way of thinking such a massive, tangled mess.

Look, it’s not like he’s definitely going to come through for you in some small town, either. And honestly, I don't think you necessarily have to cut him off entirely just to protect your own peace of mind. Maybe just... keep a little distance? A bit of breathing room might be enough.

I guess I should probably wrap things up by bringing up Jung. He once said something along the lines of, "Once you cure someone of schizophrenia, you'll just find a bunch of colleagues claiming the patient never actually had it in the first place." It’s kind of a wild thought, isn't it? But maybe he was onto something there.

Look, if you're just being a coward about it, you really don't need to push that specific way of handling things on everyone else. Not everyone needs that exact same approach when they're trying to help someone out. I mean, have you actually ever left someone hanging in a situation like that before? Or is this just how you roll?

Yes, I have. My own brother. Because that’s what the "experts" told me to do.

They said: he needs help. Serious help. And since he’s refusing it, it's because you guys are enabling him. Cut all ties. It’s the only way to actually help him. Only by cutting him off will he be forced to seek treatment.

So, that’s exactly what happened.

Look, honey, you’ve got a massive problem on your hands. There isn't much you can do to help him.

He’s already been to the professionals in a small town, and it didn't work. Claiming that reptiles are going to invade Earth isn't just "being sensitive" or "emotional"—that's full-blown psychosis. He's completely lost touch with reality.

Just look out for yourself. Get out of this relationship. Maybe take a moment to wonder what led you to date someone like this in the first place, just so you don't end up here again.

fadedskipper21 said:It isn't just about luck; some women honestly prefer being solo—enjoying life without someone constantly hovering or nagging them. Take me, for instance. When I lived with a guy, I was losing my mind within two months. We just didn't click enough to build a lifetime together.

Exactly. There are plenty of perks to being single. If you actually realize what those benefits are, then you won't care when some jerk makes comments about why you haven't tied the knot yet. You’re above that, period.

But, I guess if you find yourself stuck in that position where you just spent years with some loser who clearly wasn't marriage material, and you're worried you wasted your prime years when you could've found a decent husband... well, then it's obvious why those comments would sting.

There are happy people and unhappy people, whether they're single or married. Studies suggest that single women are, on average, happier than unmarried men. Though, I suppose some of them are just desperate. If you believe the whole point of life is getting married, then yeah, it's pretty clear you'll be miserable if that didn't work out for you.

bluewalker33 said:Jerry Martinez5, you even pay attention to what's going on around you? How do you even handle it when people start talking trash...

I built a wall a long time ago. Honestly, nobody even dares to say anything to me. I’m not married either, and I’m well over 30.

I pay attention to my surroundings quite a bit. My clothes, how I act, that sort of thing. For the trivial stuff, I try to stay within those "stereotypical" boundaries. But when it comes to things I actually care about, I just do my own thing. It isn't even that I ignore criticism—it's more that I don't allow it to happen. Besides, if someone feels the need to lecture a woman about being single, they're just being rude. I use about 5 percent of my brain and I can usually tell exactly where that person is coming from. Like, if they bought a Mercedes they clearly can't afford, it's obvious they're overcompensating because they don't make much money or didn't finish college. It's easy to rattle men if you mention their haircut, or women if you mention they've gained five pounds.😁

The second someone thinks they can make a comment like that to me, I show my teeth.

You have to realize that the very people gossiping or lecturing others are usually the ones most obsessed with their own social standing. They're incredibly fragile.

We all lean on stereotypes and biases because, honestly, it makes life easier. These days, there’s way less pressure on women to get married, and I guess it isn't even a shock anymore if a woman marries in her late thirties—or doesn't marry at all.

That’s just how society works; it always pushes for some kind of average. For instance, if you’re 30 and unemployed, everyone’s going to nag you about it. Or if you head out in purple leggings covered in pink butterflies and green heels, people will act like you're totally losing it. Or if you decide at 25 to marry someone who's 50. 😉

No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to fully satisfy everyone's expectations. Especially since they're constantly at odds: your mom’s values are one thing, while your coworkers' are something else entirely. If your mother is happy with you, your colleagues might just label you a boring old lady. Maybe the only real answer to all those demands is to live by your own values as much as possible.

Sure. And man, what a fight we put up against it!

Supporting others 🙂

redmarlin3 said:Wait a second... you're just now trying this out? 😁 😁 😁

No, more like just now after a long break

Legion has been avoiding Psychology for quite a while😢

Under no circumstances are you permitted to issue warnings or infractions to the Moderators.

🤣🤣

EDIT: Hey redmarlin3 👋😁

Is this a thread about homophobia or just being weirdly anti-burger? 🤔

I’m officially opening nominations for a new topic title! 🙂

David Jackson4 said:I mean, if I end up turning out just like my old man—and honestly, I’m pretty worried that certain things might pull me toward that darker side—it’s probably not gonna be great. Even though he and I only really talk maybe once every six months, and even then I feel like I’ve said my piece, I'm starting to realize more and more that I won't necessarily inherit his worst traits. Or, well, maybe I won't anymore. I think I can just take those bad experiences and learn how to do things better instead.

First thing is you actually need to pinpoint what it is about him that bugs you. Then, you watch how you act.

For example, my biggest fear was becoming like my mom, who spent every waking hour cleaning. Years later, I caught myself spending an entire free weekend scrubbing the house. 🤣
If I hadn't noticed, I would've just kept going, convinced I was nothing like her.

No single trait exists in a vacuum. I don't know what specifically bothers you about your father, but if he actually wanted to change, he couldn't just flip one switch on one personality trait. It's usually a whole cluster of connected behaviors, and probably the root cause behind all of them too.

David Jackson4 said:I’m not gonna whine here. I won't complain, and I definitely won't go dragging anyone's name through the mud.
I guess I'm just wondering if it's actually possible to learn both the absolute best and the absolute worst traits from your parents, and then somehow end up as a fully realized individual—you know, keeping all those great qualities you picked up while somehow shaking off most of the bad stuff as you grow up?

Whether you want to or not, you pick up a massive amount of baggage from your parents. And honestly, you spend your entire life trying to sort out what you wrote above.😉

As for those negative traits: sometimes you see them in yourself, sometimes you don't. Not everything is obvious right away.

And as for picking up every single positive trait from our parents? No. Just like we don't inherit all the bad stuff.

Paul Morales3 said:How do you actually forgive someone after they've hurt you?

I’m talking about the heavy stuff here, not just petty grievances.
We all carry some kind of deep-seated resentment—whether it's toward a spouse, a parent, a friend, or ultimately, ourselves. So, let's keep this discussion broad.

I’ll lay out a few steps that I find helpful, and then you guys can jump in with your own thoughts or corrections.

1) You have to purge the physical sensation of it—the pain, the grief, the rage. Cry, scream, break a plate if you have to... just get it out.

2) Try to internalize the fact that it wasn't your fault, and perhaps realize that you should actually feel some pity for them because of how they chose to act toward you.

3) Once you accept that, you pull yourself out of the depression, learn the lesson from the experience, promise yourself you won't let it happen again, and try to see the silver lining... theoretically, forgiveness and moving on should follow. But that’s where the real struggle starts.

Because how can you ever truly know if you’ve forgiven someone when, deep down, you’re still holding onto that grudge?

How do you live with that weight?

Personally, I tend to hold onto the idea that everything in life eventually comes back around. In that sense, I don't really go looking for revenge.😁

If you want any kind of spiritual peace, forgiving others and yourself is one of the most vital steps you can take. So, for that reason, let's hear it...

you know you've moved on when you run into that person and it actually triggers, say, pleasant feelings. Like, you're just glad you saw them because of what you shared. (Then again, it’s hard to be deeply hurt by someone you didn't care about much. It's usually the people who actually mattered.)

Forgiveness is easy to live with; resentment is heavy. You probably already know that—you know how much it weighs you down. You have to forgive just for your own sake. But there's no magic formula. You have to work through a lot of things internally before you get there. Forgiving yourself (like, how could I have been such an idiot?) and forgiving others, which means realizing you could have been the one messing up too. And let's face it, I've messed up with plenty of people who cared about me.

Paul Morales3 said:How do you actually forgive someone after they've hurt you?

I’m talking about the heavy stuff here, not just petty grievances.
We all carry some kind of deep-seated resentment—whether it's toward a spouse, a parent, a friend, or ultimately, ourselves. So, let's keep this discussion broad.

I’ll lay out a few steps that I find helpful, and then you guys can jump in with your own thoughts or corrections.

1) You have to purge the physical sensation of it—the pain, the grief, the rage. Cry, scream, break a plate if you have to... just get it out.

2) Try to internalize the fact that it wasn't your fault, and perhaps realize that you should actually feel some pity for them because of how they chose to act toward you.

3) Once you accept that, you pull yourself out of the depression, learn the lesson from the experience, promise yourself you won't let it happen again, and try to see the silver lining... theoretically, forgiveness and moving on should follow. But that’s where the real struggle starts.

Because how can you ever truly know if you’ve forgiven someone when, deep down, you’re still holding onto that grudge?

How do you live with that weight?

Personally, I tend to hold onto the idea that everything in life eventually comes back around. In that sense, I don't really go looking for revenge.😁

If you want any kind of spiritual peace, forgiving others and yourself is one of the most vital steps you can take. So, for that reason, let's hear it...

Ha, I follow that logic too. But while you're waiting for karma to strike, you haven't actually forgiven them. The reality is, a truly happy person won't screw you over; that kind of behavior always comes back to haunt you.

Rebecca Scott3 said:...first off, calling women going through menopause "old ladies" is just plain rude......in our culture, that’s basically a slur for any woman who isn't in her absolute prime anymore......
....secondly.... it’s just not true that every woman in menopause is obnoxious or constantly picking fights on internet forums.....
... it’s really no different than saying all Americans are aggressive bullies....or something along those lines.....which is vague, totally unfair, and just wrong......

maria, nobody actually said "all women" or anything like that here. if the topic were framed that way, it would have been deleted instantly. I was the one who used the term "old ladies" in the title, since from my perspective—being someone in my 20s—anyone older is an old lady 🙂

In my experience, there are usually (though maybe not always) fewer issues on this forum with women over 30. It's like real life; the biggest headaches are often the ones still going through puberty, who struggle to accept basic internet etiquette (let alone moderator authority). But I guess that doesn't apply to every younger person, either

But the OP brought up the issue because she’s being targeted by the older women specifically because she's younger. I suppose you can be discriminated against for being young or old, or for being a blonde or a brunette