Posts by Jerry Martinez5

Sam Green4 said:that is literally exactly what she told me! and he doesn't even seem like some player just looking for a hookup because when I tried to "end things," he actually said we shouldn't sleep together anymore because it would just mess up our connection.

idk though... if I reach out now, I'm going to look so desperate, whereas right now I actually look like the cool girl in his eyes, but part of me is still wondering if I missed something by not waiting a little longer.

Look, I'll tell you exactly how this would play out:

You should have just waited. Let him clear his head first. Then you could have sent a quick text. You’d greet him all eager, and then you guys would just text back and forth. Go out? Who knows. Maybe grab a drink. It would have been great, I guess. Then, while he’s holding you after sex, he’d casually mention that some girl from kindergarten reached out to him—and that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her, and honestly can't fathom why she even bothered calling. Then he wouldn't reply to your texts for five days. Maybe.

Don't even sweat it. He’ll probably still be blowing up your phone with those pathetic little texts like, "what if you had just waited for me." Or maybe he'll try to corner you for coffee. Is it because he loves you? No. It's just because you're the perfect target for him to mess around with for another few years.

If you want to go back to him, that’s your call. You can do that. But once he starts up again with that same old routine... I guess we'll see. You haven't heard from them for a while. I guess they're dealing with depression.Either he starts going on about his exes hitting him up again, or he doesn't—either way, just remember what I told you.

Patient. 👎

It’s probably better if you just cut him loose: no more texts, no more coffee dates. He’s just the type who thrives on playing games. He’ll keep you constantly guessing, hot and cold. One minute he’s all over you, the next he’s ghosting. Then, the moment you try to create some distance, he starts blowing up your phone with texts. But as soon as you actually show interest, he suddenly remembers an ex or decides he’s having a "depressive episode"... didn't he tell you he wasn't sure if he was ready for a commitment? Or how he might never be able to love anyone again? 😁

He served his purpose: he proved to you that you can still fall in love, and that life can be exciting and meaningful with someone else. That should be enough reason to walk away from a relationship that left you empty

So, just move on 🙂

I hope your New Year is even better and more fulfilling than this one was!

Joshua Bishop6 said:Do you think women without children are any less happy than those who have them?

I often hear women talking about feeling anxious, depressed, or just like there’s this lingering sense that something is missing from their lives.

Of course, one could argue that having three or four kids would make life feel more complete and give them a clear sense of purpose... but I know that isn't really how people talk these days, since everyone seems to look for external reasons to explain why women might be unhappy.

Oh, really? And how are we supposed to fix depression in men then? Throw them into labor camps? Or maybe suggest occupational therapy at a daycare center? Because if changing diapers fixes women, I guess it should work for men too.

Locking this thread.

I think you’re full of it. When someone is truly full of themselves, they always have an answer for everything. They’ll give you some response to your question, offer you a Starbucks coffee and a snack, throw in a compliment, and then you walk away realizing they didn't actually say a damn thing

An arrogant person will absolutely never say, "I don't know." No chance.

They’ll toss out an answer loaded with corporate jargon you can't even follow, just to prove how brilliant they are. Or, they'll just subtly pivot the conversation elsewhere

I have yet to hear a clueless, insecure person admit, "I don't know." My job requires quick, accurate info, and in my experience, about 80 percent of people just make stuff up. Only true professionals—and I mean the ones who aren't in upper management, because managers practically have to lie to keep their jobs—will actually be honest enough to say, "I don't know"

You’re just looking for us to tell you otherwise. Sorry.

Emily Reyes7 said:I'm a man

So, you're suggesting my empathy stems from some sort of shared experience? Hmmm... Let's be clear: I don't have any major family drama, even if I do find myself harboring a secret resentment toward my parents more often than I'd care to admit. Still, one has to be realistic—my situation isn't even remotely as dire as his. 🤷

Fine, okay. Maybe his situation is way worse. But you still recognized yourself in it. For example: my parents used to spank me once a month. I identify heavily with someone who was severely abused by their parents.

That doesn't mean my parents treated me as badly as they treated that person, but I guess I experienced those monthly spankings much more tragically than I realize. I see my own pain in his. Through his pain, I want to resolve my own—since the root is the same. My parents humiliated and insulted me too, but I just suppressed it, telling myself it's normal for parents to sometimes hit a child.

That was a trivial example. It's not that the exact same thing happened to you, but you identify with it because you haven't processed your own feelings yet.

I guess I'll just leave this here. There isn't much more to say. Jerry Martinez5 says:
I just want to find out WHY. WHY do the struggles of someone on the other side of North America hit me so hard when their problems have absolutely nothing to do with me? How am I supposed to stop letting this get under my skin? I need to know how to stay detached—to look at the whole situation coldly, like it’s some kind of fiction that doesn't involve me at all.

Very much so. Simple.Once you realize why you’re actually obsessing over him, the fixation will probably die down. You're just using him to work through some internal issue you haven't even acknowledged yet. I guess, in a way, you were in that exact same position once. You're basically just saying to him everything you wish you could say to yourself.

I bet you're going to claim his situation has nothing to do with yours. Sure. If you actually understood how much his circumstances mirror your own, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. Pure aggravation. And all that emotional baggage, too.

Nathan Kelly5 said:He can spin a hundred different thoughts and view himself through a hundred different lenses; there’s no way you could deconstruct a single sentence like that, let alone me.

Just because someone chooses to phrase things a certain way doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I haven't the slightest clue.
I don't know.
I don't have the time.
Impossible.
No chance.
Sorry, I just can't get to it.
I'm afraid I'm simply not up to the task.
I usually consider myself quite sharp, but this is impossible.
I have high opinions of my own intellect, but this is genuinely difficult.

Why does the way he phrased it interest you so much?

I agree with this. Why are you so desperate for us to confirm his insecurity?

slymaker9 said:Hi everyone!

During a recent business meeting, someone dropped this line on me with a completely straight face: "I hold myself in very high regard, but I don't even think I have the capacity to..."
For some reason, it didn't strike me as confidence. To me, it sounded more like: "Don't go thinking I'm not smart; I'm actually quite brilliant."
It felt like they were trying too hard to convince me of their intelligence, which usually points toward deep-seated insecurity.🤷
What’s your take? Are these the words of an arrogant, confident person, or someone who is fundamentally insecure?
What kind of personality says something like that, and what is their actual goal?

To me, those sound perfectly normal. If they were actually trying to prove they were smart (and weren't), they would have started lecturing about something they know nothing about—which is what 90 percent of people do anyway.

Generally speaking, insecure yet arrogant people never admit they don't know something. They always try to fudge the details. This person just admitted they aren't capable, implying they feel they *should* be, but they simply aren't. 🤷

In my view, it's fine. (Though I'm only judging based on the words, not the tone. Maybe the words were reported incorrectly.)

Casey Ramos78 said:Sometimes I wonder—if I’m crushing math and picking up foreign languages like it’s nothing while everyone else my age is struggling just to pass... does that actually mean I'm smart? Or am I just kidding myself? Everyone’s got a thing, right? Plus, I heard some professor at my state university say true intelligence is just having a massive range of interests. Well, I’ve got plenty of interests—I just haven't gone deep on any of them yet. There's this guy from the start of the story who actually commits to his hobbies and masters them... then when he starts rambling about everything he knows, he just spills all this knowledge everywhere, and I'm just sitting there nodding along... it makes me feel pretty dim because I have nothing to contribute. Maybe I could talk music? I know a ton about it, but I always end up thinking he wouldn't even care about that kind of stuff anyway.

Look, I hang out with people who barely scraped by in math class, and they don't walk around thinking they're idiots. I wonder if the kids in your high school who fail math think they're dumb? Ha. Whatever.🙄

There isn't such a thing as a person who thinks they are stupid. Stupid people are always someone else—usually people we don't like. If someone feels stupid, it probably doesn't mean they lack a passion for math or philosophy; it usually means someone hurt them and trashed their self-confidence.😢

Casey Ramos78 said:Because he's literally one of the only two real friends I've got in this life.

Look: if someone is actually your friend, they aren't sitting there thinking you're an idiot. We don't hang out with people we think are stupid.

The issue isn't that you're actually "stupid"—it's just that your ego took a hit.😢
And once you feel that way, there is zero chance of fixing it by trying to prove how "smart" you are. Honestly, trying too hard to look intelligent is the fastest way to look like a moron. (Personal rule: whenever have I actually looked truly foolish? Usually when I was desperately trying to act smart 🙄 ).

It would probably be best if you could just stop dwelling on it. Go do stuff you actually enjoy, since you're good at it—that’s the real cure for low self-esteem.

There are plenty of people out there who go out of their way to prove they're idiots; those are the ones you should avoid. Just remember this: the easiest way to look stupid is by trying too hard to look smart.

There’s a massive difference between realizing how insecure he actually is and seeing just how aggressive he can get.

If he were just dealing with an inferiority complex, I might actually feel bad for him.

Wait, so you're telling me he's never had an aggressive outburst before?

Harold Thomas10 said:Hey everyone... I’m not entirely sure if this is the right place for this kind of thing, but I’ll give it a shot....

To make a long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago to be with someone else (and honestly, it wasn't even the first time; he cheated on me once before), but we managed to stay on decent terms... we talked a few times and hung out occasionally, just as friends. Then, a couple of days ago, he suddenly started blowing up my phone, asking if I was seeing anyone, whether I thought his new girlfriend was actually good enough for him, and why I hadn't tried to get back together with him after we split up. He even started grilling me about whether our sex life had been good (he’s always been pretty insecure about intimacy, which seems to be a recurring theme in most areas of his life, really)....

Anyway, he eventually jumped to the conclusion that the sex must have been great, because otherwise, why would I have stayed with him for three years and "cheated" on him? In a moment of pure, mindless sarcasm, I asked him how he could possibly be so sure I hadn't cheated on him (I know, I know, I shouldn't have said it, but it was just a joke, and when I saw his reaction, I was so stunned I didn't even realize I should take it back)... and that’s when he absolutely lost it. He started sending these vile messages calling me every name in the book—just total trash—telling me I’m dead to him now. He was cursing God, Jesus, my mother, everything under the sun. He went as far as wishing I’d drop dead from whatever happened with that guy he thinks I cheated with. He claimed I broke his heart, that I’m a terrible person, and said he hopes I never fall in love again and stay alone forever.... When I woke up, I had 38 missed calls and a mountain of texts just like that, sent all through the night....

So, basically, I want to know if this is a normal reaction for a guy who cheated on his girlfriend, dumped her, and acted like a complete lunatic just because she jokingly suggested she might have cheated on him.... I get that his ego is bruised, but the things he said to me were way over the line. To be honest, I’m actually feeling a little scared now.🤷

Thanks to everyone for the input, and sorry for the long-winded post:-)

- Not a normal reaction.
- Be glad you're done with him.
- If he keeps calling, change your number.

Don't meet up with him under any circumstances. No coffee, no talking.

He's lucky he has a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean he won't try to harass you. Just stay cold and firm.

silentpilot6 said:In that case, maybe you should just start acting like him. 🤷

What, just sit around doing nothing while picking everyone else's pockets? 👎

The best advice actually came from Zeus: go study, and figure out how to enroll in a college in a different city. Maybe, if he could somehow pressure his old man into helping. I guess I don't know how smart that move is. I assume he’s already tried talking to his mom a million times and it hasn't worked.

I know parents often spoil the screw-up while they're busy picking on the kid who actually works hard.

Wait, did I actually say she was treating him normally?

The woman is just being stubborn. Honestly, I don't see what he can even do about it. It doesn't look like actual abuse to me, so I definitely wouldn't suggest he drop out of high school at sixteen just to try and support himself.

Maybe reach out to his dad behind her back? Who knows, maybe the father would be willing to take him in?

ambermaker12 said:I’ve already tried telling her—it's useless, she just won't listen. She constantly gets on my case, acting as if I'm somehow the one behaving like an emotional vampire.

But how does he actually act? Is it really that different from you? He probably just smiles and plays along to stay in her good graces, then does whatever he wants anyway. Meanwhile, you're the one constantly pushing back.

Morgan Rodriguez57 said:Looking ahead, the biggest thing you really need to grasp is that, honestly, almost 100% of the time, they aren’t going to shift their fundamental attitude toward you—no matter what you try to do... I guess the smartest move would just be to find your own independence as soon as possible...

Exactly. For me, the absolute worst part is my mom only letting me out on Saturdays, and even then, only until 10 PM. She wouldn't even let me go to a friend's cabin for the weekend. Just that, and nothing else.

I guess I agree with what Basta wrote. Though, I see things a bit differently: your brother is older, finished high school, and isn't working? I suspect she treats him like a total washout, which is why she expects zero from him. She expects way more from you, so she's being way harder on you than he is. What’s the deal with college? Does she actually want you to enroll?

(if she doesn't, I still strongly suggest you go for it. There's nothing better to recommend to a 16-year-old who's doing well in school 👍)

Regarding those chores you mentioned (don't get mad at me), based on your description, she isn't giving you much to do. That's actually more work than most guys usually get, but you probably knock it all out in an hour or two a day, right? It sucks that she criticizes you afterward instead of just saying thanks. And it sucks that she makes such a massive distinction between you and your brother. But again: she treats him like a failure. Would she even make him vacuum the house if she ordered him to? Can she even order him to do anything?

My advice is to just grit your teeth and stop arguing with her. If you have the guts, go to that cabin. Next Saturday, if you can, try coming home by midnight. Making you do chores isn't actually the problem—I really mean that. In ten years, you might actually be grateful (and your future girlfriend will definitely be grateful 🙂). It's a mess that she only gives you $17 a week, though I don't know how much money you guys have. If things aren't tight, which I assume you know, insist on getting the same as your brother. (If you start fighting for it, you won't get it easily... but it's worth the fight)

I really wish you'd realize your brother isn't benefiting from this approach either. She's spoiled him, and I doubt it'll do him any good in the long run.

You aren't going to please her, no matter what. Just like Basta said. Realize she's just... messed up, maybe from the divorce or whatever else 😢. Whatever you do, don't let your grades slip. I know I sound like a nag, but damn, it's a fact: your success in school and whether you go to college determines how you're going to live for the next 70 years 🤷

John Price11 said:I gave reality therapy a shot recently, but let’s be honest—it only seemed to work while the contractors were still on-site. Once they packed up their tools and cleared out, the whole thing just fell apart.
I was actually feeling pretty good about things for a while. It felt like that whole chaotic energy was finally starting to settle down—almost like it was retreating into a small, contained space—but I still couldn't see a definitive finish line. Honestly, this feels less like a quick fix and more like one of those long, drawn-out processes, similar to how people talk about undergoing a hundred therapy sessions just to find some peace.
Is there actually an alternative out there?

So, what does "tried something" actually mean? How long did you go?

It’s great if you’ve grown up, matured, and are functioning. Even better that you realize how much your past is bleeding into your present and messing things up; most people have no clue. For example, they have jobs and salaries that others would kill for, yet they’re convinced they're being undervalued or disrespected... they don't get that their past is sabotaging their present.

There are no magic formulas to escape the past. It just keeps looping back into your life in ways you might not even notice. As for dealing with bad thoughts when they hit—any old lady knows the trick: find something else to focus on and stay busy. 😉

I’m siding with the people recommending psychotherapy. 👍

Larry Thomas6 said:For as long as I can remember, my entire life has been tinted with this persistent sense of melancholy and longing. It’s not even that I had some textbook tragic childhood—you know, the cliché of growing up with emotionally absent parents or a brother you could never truly connect with amidst constant household friction. There were no grand traumas or cinematic tragedies; just a general lack of warmth.
Nowadays, my life looks perfectly put together on paper. I have my own family, stability, everything people strive for. Yet, there is almost zero genuine satisfaction to be found. Instead, there is this invincible anxiety. I am fully aware of this streak in my personality, and I try to manage it any way I can—I devour self-help books, take long walks through the local state parks, and so on. But then I realize I am simply trying to force myself to wear rose-colored glasses that I don't actually feel.
It only takes the smallest, most mundane thing to throw me off balance, leaving me crushed by anxiety and this deep-seated feeling that everything else is just an illusion. I look toward the future with apprehension. I attempt to find tiny moments of joy in the daily grind, but they all feel as fragile as a soap bubble ready to burst at any second. Every good thing that happens feels temporary, a mere mirage, while the grayness remains the only constant.
How does one change? This isn't just a phase; this is who I am. But I want to change. How????

Honestly, I’d recommend psychotherapy too. You seem ready for it: you understand everything. You clearly see that your current life gives you absolutely no reason or cause for these heavy feelings. You realize you aren't enjoying the things you know you should be enjoying—but you just can't.

And you know it stems from your childhood.

Childhood emotions are basically like owning a filthy, rotten pair of sweatpants. You keep wearing them even though you’ve developed taste, made money, and bought gorgeous clothes. But you keep them in the closet, and you spend all day in those sweats.

Of course, everyone tells you: "It's an easy fix! Just snap your fingers and decide: this is my life, I'm going to live how I want and enjoy it with everything I've got!" 👍

Give yourself a deadline. If it doesn't work, find a therapist.

feralcobra92 said:I totally get where you're coming from! What I'm really trying to wrap my head around here is how I should actually handle myself when things get intense. My supposed "good intentions" don't even matter in this equation. The real issue is that I am just so fundamentally different from them that I can't truly grasp their logic, which makes it incredibly tough to predict how they're going to react.

You could probably understand them if you actually tried. But you don't want to.

For instance, you didn't answer my question. What does your coworker—who doesn't even have a degree—actually need to do to earn a salary like yours?

Are you even sure you're the one losing out at this company right now? Maybe things are actually worse for you than they are for them.
What kind of pay are they pulling? How would you even survive on that amount? Can you actually walk the walk?