Posts by Nancy Lee84

Linda Harris59 said:In my experience, people were warning me that a colleague was exploiting me because I did all the heavy lifting while he took all the credit. And looking at it through their lens, they were absolutely right. By their standards, and by most general social standards, I was being used. But by my own internal compass? Not even close. In my value system, the roles were actually reversed: I was the one benefiting from him, because I had the privilege of handling the parts of the job I actually enjoyed, while he was stuck with the tedious, soul-crushing grunt work. So yes, I let him take the credit. But frankly, it didn't matter to me. It truly wasn't a big deal. That said, if you want to actually get your life in order, you have to know exactly who you are and what you actually want. You can't let other people's perspectives sway you. And of course, you shouldn't let anyone walk all over you, either.

bravo. you're spot on, seriously cracked me up 👍

rapidmaker15 said:Look, I’d like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed and rational person—I can usually tell when my actions actually make sense and when they don't. When I step outside those boundaries or act on impulse, I’m fully aware of the fallout.
I realize that if I can't actually bond with someone or just let my emotions take the wheel, I’ll probably end up alone. And honestly? That’s exactly what I’m trying to fix. I don't quite get why it works this way, but I recognize it’s an issue I need to tackle. I don't want to be solo. I hate being alone. If I stay home by myself for even two days, I start spiraling into this depressive, miserable headspace. I really, truly need people around me. So, I don't understand how it's possible that I struggle to connect with guys—or anyone, really. Where did all those feelings go, and how am I supposed to just "manufacture" them? I’d honestly settle for a messy, unhappy relationship at this point; even sadness is a feeling, and I just want to feel *something*.
I guess I'm just getting tangled up in my own explanation.

You aren't rambling.
You hate being alone because being alone means facing yourself. Most people are like that.
Those existential encounters trigger a totally valid kind of fear.
I've written a ton about loneliness.
Loneliness is really just a measure of volume. It defines how much of "us" there is. How much of us is missing.

That’s why you need others. Because there isn't enough of you right now. And you know it. You're smart—I can tell from the way you phrase things. But that's also your blessing, because intelligence is the only way to actually reach fulfillment. To find a meaningful self. And you're only truly meaningful when you stop fearing those existential confrontations. When answers to those deep questions don't give you that famous nausea that some smart guy in Paris used to talk about after hanging out with his girlfriend... maybe for similar reasons as why you started this thread.

Everything you wrote about yourself basically ties back to your social and family conditioning. Whatever the reason, it never taught you—or showed you—how to actually reach your true self.
Reaching yourself only happens through gentleness and being real with yourself. But you're harsh. That toughness shows up in your writing style, too. Your roughness is both structural and learned, but it's uniquely yours. Like some unwanted gift from fate.

You hit the nail on the head noticing that stripping down isn't necessarily intimate. That's just standard societal chatter. True intimacy is actually about reaching that core.
You asked the right question, even if it was a bit shaky since it's built on some fuzzy premises. I mean that part in bold italics.
Emotions and logic work together as one force. They aren't opposites. The moment you're rational, you're emotional too. And vice versa. That’s pretty much the current neuroscience paradigm anyway.

I just want to say you're right. Emotions are created through believing in yourself, not through feeling like you lack yourself... which is clearly what you're feeling right now.

feralotter8 said:Please move this post if there’s already a thread like this; I couldn't find one.

Seriously, I need some help here. I’ve had one marriage behind me that ended without much drama—the love just fizzled out, we grew apart as people, that kind of thing.

After a while, I got into a new relationship with a guy I care about deeply.

But I have a massive jealousy problem. Everywhere I turn looking for advice, it’s all written for people dealing with a partner who is pathologically jealous. I can't find anything about how to help yourself when *you* are the one with the issue.

I know what's wrong with me. Every single time, I swear I'm going to change, that I'll never do it again... but it just doesn't happen.

So, here's the deal: I stalk him. I track who he adds on Facebook, what he likes, I dig, I investigate, I watch his last online status on social media, you name it. I build entire conspiracies out of tiny things. Like, if he adds a woman on Facebook and likes one of her photos, my brain goes into overdrive: first, I have to figure out who she is, then I start imagining where they met, if they talk regularly, what they say to each other... I'm terrified he's going to leave me, or that he's cheating and I'm too blind to see it. I check his phone whenever I get the chance. If he gets a text while I'm in the room, I immediately spiral. This disgusting wave of nerves and anger just takes over. And there's plenty more.

I don't show all of this to him directly, though he definitely catches on when I start grilling him with questions. But I keep it bottled up. I'm constantly on edge, scattered, unhappy, and moody. The reason might be something stupid, like seeing him online on Viber at 2 AM... because I *know* he was messaging some girl.

I am fully aware that I'm being irrational. I have no idea why I have this massive fear of being cheated on or abandoned (it never happened during my marriage), but I know if I don't do something, I'm going to wreck this relationship. I seriously doubt he'll put up with this for long.

Does anyone know how to fix this? Any good books, resources, anything at all?

Thanks

you're being rational. your jealousy has roots. it isn't baseless. there's a reason or several.
claiming jealousy is just an expression of insecurity is ridiculous and shows a total lack of understanding of the human psyche. people love to label things they haven't actually thought through.

Jealousy is totally natural, basically an evolutionary leftover that serves a purpose in keeping a partner, so it has its own adaptive value.
and importantly, nobody is immune to it. there's no such thing as a perfectly self-sufficient human being, except maybe those monks in India who chose the sun or a bed with a cobra as their partner.

what I managed to read from your text is a lack of trust in your partner, which is most likely the result of a breakdown in communication and dishonesty from both you and him. you, because you aren't telling him what you're feeling, and him, because he acts from a position of power and gets satisfaction from it—which doesn't help you much. he's flexing his power and keeping you submissive. because you said yourself that he "catches on." well, if he catches on, he should probably be more intuitive toward the person he's in what's called the deepest kind of relationship with. and instead of thinking about his actions, your actions are screaming distrust.

things will settle themselves out simply, and according to the words of great Fyodor Dostoevsky: either jealousy will kill love, or love will kill jealousy.

not sure if I need to explain that last quote? 🙂

p.s. this is actually a bit of a tribute to all jealous people, myself included.

Joseph Bailey41 said:I’m sorry, but I honestly have no idea what you're getting at. 🤷

Could you maybe explain that in plain English?

Joseph Bailey41, they caught you right where you thrive... you're totally running the show 🙂

ironrider11 said:Before I can even talk about self-actualization or staying relevant, I gotta define what we're even talking about—self-fulfillment, mediocrity, evil, good, right, wrong... all within these shifting, slippery boundaries. Is the merit tied to the individual or society? Honestly, probably doesn't matter. It’s usually just some frantic jumping through hoops inside a suggestive, self-hypnotic illusion, all just to serve one's own survival. Don't kill people. Unless martial law is declared. Then it’s a must, or else—it becomes a duty. Always respect someone else's life, like the guy walking his poodle with a diamond collar, while the self-proclaimed judge of "good and evil" sits there with worms crawling out of his ears, snacking on a massive "intellectual powerhouse" brain... Ivan Pavlov............

I'll admit, I only catch bits and pieces of what you're saying.

Jacob Cooper5 said:This is so incredibly beautiful and logical it’s basically checkmate. Please, teach me your ways...

Was that "srategiya" a typo or just a side effect of whatever I was rambling about?
🙂

About fifty years ago, Hannah Arendt wrote this book that pretty much hits on what you're talking about... it's called 'the Banality of Evil,' and she wrote it after watching the trial of Adolf Eichmann firsthand.

If we buy into her conclusions—and I'm taking a bit of a liberty with how I interpret them here—it means basically anyone could be evil, regardless of whether they're a genius or a total moron.
The only thing that actually matters is the "banality" within a person. In this sense, being banal is just a fancy way of saying someone lacks the guts to actually think about what it means to be human or how to actually live as one. She argues that evil is committed by people who have no identity, no real motives, and no sense of "self." It's like Musil said—people without traits... or like Elias Canetti described it, just a featureless mass of dough.

Intelligence is just potential, right? It doesn't mean someone actually uses it, and honestly, most of the time, they don't.
Heidegger says you only really start thinking when you're alone... standing on your own two feet, surrounded by nothingness (again, my own take on it). So, the whole *ex nihilo nihil fit* idea doesn't always hold up. Humans basically emerge from ignorance and a lack of selfhood just to eventually exist, though that's a controversial point and a whole different rabbit hole.
Most people just try their hardest not to think at all; they just lean on whatever opinions are already floating around, just pure imitation. That kind of opportunism doesn't require any real effort, so it's not even weird that a smart person can totally deny themselves, fail to grow, and end up being both banal and evil...

Kate Jones2 said:Hey everyone, sorry if I missed the PDF attachment earlier...

Lately, I’ve just been feeling really stuck—like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Most of my family has already moved over to the US, but I stayed behind here to finish up my degree, and through some stroke of luck, I managed to land a job. I'm in the IT sector, so my salary is decent for the local market—a little above average, though definitely not hitting those six-figure numbers yet. Lately, though, the inertia at work has been driving me crazy; there’s a lot of incompetence around, and everything just drags on forever. It feels like nothing ever actually gets done. On top of that, I don't have any family nearby, my relationship isn't going anywhere, and my social circle has kind of fallen apart. Regarding finances, my family hasn't left me anything except for this old three-bedroom house that’s basically falling apart at the seams. To make matters worse, there’s a massive lien on the property, so I don't even have a functional kitchen or a decent bathroom (and yeah, I’m currently living in it). I’m trying to patch things up as I go, but I can't qualify for a loan—between not having enough seniority at my job and not having any assets in my own name, it's a dead end. Plus, I don't have enough saved to cover the monthly utilities and constant repairs (which run about $250 a month, and the house is huge).

I’m curious to hear what you all would do in my shoes. Would you stay put, or would you look for a way out? I don't know enough about the US job market to feel confident about finding something better over there.

Selling the house isn't an option either since it's not legally mine and it's tied up in legal issues.

Even with your poll, you didn't actually ask a question. What I mean is, your question is technically an inquiry, but the decision is already baked into it. You aren't really looking for an answer; you're just following a predetermined pattern. It's a pattern imposed on us through social, economic, and "cultural" pressures. That's a cliché explanation, sure, but it works.
It’s not about whether you stay or go; it’s about what you’re going to do with yourself. And you do that regardless of where you happen to be standing.
If you want to actually *do* something for yourself, you can't just follow everyone else's ideas, attitudes, and ways of thinking. You have to observe them critically and build your own life through your own strength.
Hope that didn't sound too heavy-handed. 🙂

Morgan Chase5 said:I quite enjoy this perspective.
And yes... it is a banal question.

Over at Yankee Stadium, gray herons build their nests in the tops of slender pine trees.
Happiness is simply having the ability to watch them.
They spread their wings, gliding smoothly through the air, returning with long, thin twigs, fluttering their wings as they land on a branch to offer a little twig to their partner to weave into the nest.

gray herons. such a beautiful little touch of happiness.

Morgan Chase5 said:Happiness doesn't come with a price tag👍

So some scientists are out here claiming that being lucky or unlucky is basically just a genetic lottery played out in your brain chemistry... like we're all born with a set amount of "happiness potential" baked in. Honestly, that biological determinism thing sounds pretty legit to me, but there's more to the story than just DNA.
I actually stumbled upon this quote by John Stuart Mill in a research paper that goes something like: "Given the state of the world—paradoxical as that may sound—the conscious ability to exist without happiness offers the best shot at actually finding it."

I guess I was just trying to point out how incredibly cliché the whole debate is...

Can you actually buy misery with cash?... I mean, come on...

Joshua Long62 said:We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

That "need" you feel for anyone is just pure rationalization. It's an ego defense mechanism you're using to protect yourself.

You don't need to be Freud to see exactly what's going on here based on what you wrote. It's fear of rejection. The origin story might be obvious, but honestly, it doesn't even matter right now. The biggest and most vital step is just admitting it and facing the music, then actually dealing with yourself. And that's the hardest thing any human being can do.
Psychotherapy is really just a fancy word for that confrontation.

casualcanyon3 said:Nancy, I have to tell you, stumbling upon your insights on this platform is a genuinely profound experience. 🙂

Is it too much ego if I say thanks? 🙂

boldnomad45 said:I was listening to a therapist on a podcast recently, and one thing stuck with me. If, for instance, your father was cold and critical toward you, that dynamic eventually becomes your internal dialogue. That's it. Your relationship with a parent becomes your personality. That's where I am. I don't trust myself, I'm incredibly self-critical, I'm cold to myself, I demand too much, and I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Naturally, I'm going to therapy. It's grueling. But at least you understand the origin of it all—why we turned out the way we did.
Someone else made us this way. They didn't know any better. But changing it? That's the hard part.

Nobody can actually change who they are at their core—you can't force yourself to be someone you aren't. Therapy is supposed to help you find yourself again, maybe even empower you, and try to shift your perspective. Real change isn't about rewriting your DNA or your personality traits, it's about smashing those old, shitty assumptions you have about yourself.

Joseph Bailey41 said:If you’ve actually hit rock bottom, then honestly, that’s a good thing—it means you can finally push off the floor and swim back up. Though, if I’m being real, I don't think you're quite there yet. When you truly hit the bottom, you stop worrying about all the little details and just realize, "Okay, this is it. Enough is enough. Something has to change." And that's when the work starts.

Seriously though, I really recommend seeing a therapist. It used to be easier back in the day, like when you could just call a student hotline or something. You just vent. You don't even have to bring up voices or any of the heavy stuff right away; you just talk, and they're there to listen. Over time, you'll start to realize that you aren't as "weird" or "different" as you feel—everyone is dealing with their own version of the same crap, just wrapped in different colored paper. For some, it looks like anxiety; for others, it's depression. But underneath it all, there's this sense of meaninglessness that isn't entirely unfounded, because life doesn't come with a built-in purpose—you have to create it yourself. Once you grasp that, the struggle turns into a bit of a game. You can actually learn to laugh at yourself because you don't take everything quite so personally anymore, which brings a certain lightness to things. You can still feel sad or whatever, but it stops feeling like a matter of life and death. Tragedy slowly starts turning into comedy. It won't happen overnight, but it moves in that direction.

Just one quick thought on something you said. You're right, life has no meaning. We're the ones who give it meaning.
To the OP, if you're actually up for it, I’d suggest reading Viktor Frankl. That whole existential vacuum thing you're hinting at? He really tackled that in his books, and they might be pretty inspiring. But hey, no pressure, obviously...

placidharbor8 said:That's super interesting! Do you have any good reading material or resources on this? Or even a decent documentary? I'm actually quite fascinated by this whole anthropological angle.🙂
My views are really just my own personal deductions and logic, so I’m definitely not claiming they're absolute truth, though I realize I could have phrased things a bit better.

Do you really think this pyramid holds up when you look at modern society? I feel like there's so much room for debate there.
It also seems to depend heavily on where you are in the world. I'd imagine the hierarchy looks a little different for someone living in the US compared to someone in sub-Saharan Africa. Maybe only the bottom two tiers are universal.

Alright, check out these titles, they should hit the spot for what you're looking for.
1. Harold Kowalski: Cave Woman
2. Geoffrey Miller: The Mind and Reproduction
3. David M. Buss: Evolutionary Psychology
4. V.S. Ramachandran: The Storytelling Brain
5. Igor Kardum: Evolution and Human Behavior

plus a whole bunch more... 🙂

placidharbor8 said:Hmm, you know, I feel like what we're seeing is really just generational conditioning and learned expectations. If you were to take a quick look back at primitive Homo sapiens and our early ancestors, you'd probably realize there weren't these rigid, strict divisions between "male" and "female" jobs. A woman had to be just as capable at combat skills if she needed to protect her tribe, her village, or her kids when the situation called for it. On the flip side, a man had to lead by example to teach his sons to respect mothers and other women in the group, and he definitely had to develop an emotional side, otherwise, he wouldn't be able to sustain a family or find a mate. Back then, nobody was stuck in such a narrow mold of behavior; everyone had to step up and do a bit of everything depending on the need. But since things aren't like that anymore in modern America, I don't think anyone has the right to dictate what is "normal" and what isn't. At most, you could say, "Well, that’s what seems normal to me."

your whole argument gets totally torn apart by actual big-name scientists, like Harold Klaveness or whatever... there absolutely was a division. and that split is exactly what made women such a "crucial" link in the evolutionary chain. basically, they're the reason we got symbolic language, which eventually evolved into the complex speech we have now—and language is widely considered the biggest leap in evolution.
but hey, probably not even the point of this thread... just a side note.

haven't seen that documentary and honestly don't plan to. I'd rather just read a book.

generally speaking, the "masks" we wear are just biological adaptations. it's part of our evolutionary and cultural heritage. Dionysian selection... or whatever people call natural or sexual selection.

don't get me wrong though. that's just one angle. there's plenty more to it. 🙂

analogviper9 said:Oh, really? Now, I strongly disagree! I think it is absolutely an economic question. If you treat someone well, there is a much higher statistical probability that they will return the favor down the road. Of course, you shouldn't be a good person just for the sake of the ROI—you do it for the greater good!

If someone treats me poorly, it implies that I should act the same way toward others. But surely, a person behaving badly won't serve as my role model? Quite the opposite—they become the very example of what I refuse to become.

Lawrence Bailey77 said:What has always stuck with me is the notion that the good is inherently good in its own right without needing any extra layers of calculation, valuation, or external assessment

Similarly, the problem of evil as a philosophical "question"—and please forgive me, as I consider myself a mere amateur when it comes to philosophy—objectively precludes any generalization of good or evil. It seems to reduce everything down to personal experience, or rather, one's individual perspective on how various phenomena or relationships exist within the world we inhabit.

Personally, when looking at nature—specifically regarding natural relationships and laws—I find a certain "logic of survival." I view the biological process itself as a form of good, along with the ways in which that life can be actively influenced to become more comfortable.😉

Human constructs, in my estimation, are heavily influenced by local cultures and the attempt to satisfy infantile needs. Consequently, they are riddled with absurdity and insecurity, which leads to numerous societal "losses" throughout the course of life... any kind of morality, regardless of its form, often costs a person their very existence, and don't even get me started on dogmas.🤮

Hey analogviper9, I fixed your slip-up...
I'll try to pull this whole response together, though honestly, I doubt I'll even pull it off... 🙂

There’s this great German concept that might actually help me explain this—*wertfrei*. Honestly, the best way to put it in English would be a total liberation from all those preconceived notions... just being completely stripped of any baggage or past experiences you carry around. It’s not about being "neutral" or "objective," and it sure as hell isn't just being unbiased. It’s more like taking an explicit, intentional stance... which is exactly why I used the word dogma, even if that wasn't the most perfect choice of words...

I was just talking about the stuff I believe in blindly... you know, things that are totally objective and beyond debate...
Look, I'm not even asking questions here—I'm just laying it all out on the table... is it actually worth being a total shark? Or do the straight shooters actually make it in this life? Like, does karma actually exist or is it all just a scam? Is it better to be the good guy, the bad guy, or just plain evil... kind of like those old gritty Western movies... 😉 Questions like that are just a waste of time and only serve to muddy the waters... I'm not getting dragged into some black-and-white Manichean bullshit or any pathetic attempts at "objectivity"...

I'm not even that ambitious or full of myself, honestly... I'm just straight up exhausted from my own lack of discipline and all the stupid mistakes I keep making...

So I just choose to believe there's actually some kind of point to all this madness... even if science says otherwise. It’s way easier on my soul that way, honestly. Makes me feel less like Sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill forever... just imagining my life isn't totally pointless. Even if I am being a bit much about it... 🙂

analogviper9 said:In my view, you simply cannot fake being a genuinely good person. Once someone gains a bit of real-world experience, their true colors inevitably come out to play.

Regarding society at large, I've noticed a pattern: individuals with weak characters or low self-esteem tend to cling heavily to corrupt people.
It's because they eventually morph into that very same type of person themselves.
Perhaps it's fear—they see that perceived power and think they need to be near it to survive.

Speaking from experience, I truly believe it pays to be a good, moral person—but *only* if you back that goodness up with a backbone! If you are "good" but lack a firm stance, people will simply walk all over you.

Malice always finds its way back to haunt you, and let's face it: those kinds of people rarely enjoy a clear conscience. So, isn't it much better to sleep soundly at night knowing you've surrounded yourself with people who are actually well-meaning?

this isn't even about whether it's "worth it" or not. that's not an economic calculation, it's more like a matter of dogma.
Aristotle puts it pretty clearly in his Ethics: 'Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and pursuit, is thought to aim at some good; and so it is truly said that the good is that at which all things aim.'

If you just accept that dogma—since it’s basically an uncritical, affirmative premise for how we act—then you finally have a direction. "Direction" is a way better word than "stance." Because a direction actually leads somewhere. It keeps moving. It's toward faith. Not necessarily religious faith, but faith in humanity. Not just in specific people, but in the whole species...

To even have a "stance" on anything, you'd have to be conscious enough to realize that the right stance is actually not having one. A stance holds you back. It limits you. It locks you into certain principles and patterns of behavior that you stick to. Usually, it's just the result of internalization—absorbing norms and behaviors from others and thinking they're our own. It's paradoxical because instead of showing autonomy, a "stance" shows the exact opposite tendency. That's why I don't believe in stances. I believe in losing them. And that's why I think "direction" is the better term...

And the consequence of that uncritical belief is that you ask fewer questions. Everything becomes simpler. The categories, the answers, everything.

Noah Hall98 said:nah, I don't buy it, just doesn't work... never has.

works for me every single time... living on the edge.

Noah Hall98 said:this shit doesn't work most of the time...

it works, period. just hit refresh...