Posts by Donna White50

mistydrifter55 said:I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but I couldn't settle on a title that actually captured everything weighing me down.

In the end, I realized it all boils down to good old-fashioned "self-destruction."

The reason I'm finally putting pen to paper is because I’m feeling a void right now. It sounds trivial, but I miss "Mom." Not my mother—the woman who gave birth to me—but *Mom*. That childhood feeling where you felt safe, where her mere presence made every worry vanish, and where one look from her could make your whole world feel right.

Is this just nostalgia for a time that passed?
Or is it part of that "I don't want to grow up" phase?

Since I have a natural tendency toward self-destruction and playing the victim—patterns I picked up directly from my mother—it turns out I’m currently missing the very person who made me this unstable and dissatisfied.

I’m stuck in a depressive loop, grieving things that aren't even there anymore.
I’m angry at her—at her actions, our relationship, and my own reactions to her.
She’s manipulative and a master of emotional blackmail. She’s the type of person who acts like a vampire, slowly draining your blood, your emotions, and your energy, all while acting like she’s some kind of deity. Like she’s the only one meant to exist, and her needs are the only ones that matter.

Of course, it’s all incredibly deep and complicated.

I know we already have threads about toxic parents and their kids, but I want to talk about how we *feel*. I don't just want us to nod along and agree that "parents are the problem."

I cut contact with my mother a long time ago. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist anymore. There is zero communication between us.
And yet, I’m killing myself with these nostalgic feelings.
I haven't processed these emotions, so I keep digging deep into the past, searching and searching, only to end up feeling pathetic. I always end up destroying myself. It’s almost like I’m seeking out that self-annihilation.

It’s obvious that this self-destructive streak is wired deep into me, and it's wired wrong. When I start digging through the wreckage, instead of feeling bad, my adrenaline spikes and I somehow feel better. I actually find a weird sort of enjoyment in my own suffering.
It’s sick, really.

Then there's this closed loop that's so hard to break. I destroy myself, and I enjoy it at the same time.

Luckily, I’m not a masochist; I don't go as far as physical self-harm. My head is just a mess.

It sounds like you never really got the chance to let out all that anger and frustration toward your mom—or just life in general—so instead, you just bottle it all up inside. When you do that, those feelings start leaking out through self-punishment or this weird, masochistic streak... it's like you're looking for pain. A lot of times, that’s just a pattern you picked up growing up—maybe you had a manipulative mother who used affection as a weapon or punished you by withholding love. You basically learned the hard way that suffering is some kind of prerequisite just to feel okay again, or to finally feel like you actually deserve a hug or some actual love afterward...
Now that you're all grown up, whenever life gets heavy or you hit an emotional wall, you just fall right back into that old pattern—you start punishing yourself, putting yourself down, and basically robbing yourself of any chance at being happy. It’s like your inner critic has completely lost its mind and you're just desperate for some kind of release... Some people deal with it through physical pain, others spiral into depression, then you've got the folks who lean into hypersexuality, or even just reckless, "don't care if I live or die" behavior... it's all just ways to vent that pressure...

Missing your mom... honestly, it’s more than just being sentimental. It feels like this deep craving for love mixed with a total fear of actually stepping up and handling adult life—you know? Like, when you feel that crushing pressure and start doubting yourself, you just want to lean on someone else because being independent feels impossible. So instead of facing it, you end up retreating—either by chasing those "good old days" through nostalgia or just spiraling into self-sabotage...

You really have to work through that deep-seated resentment toward your mother—it’s like, you need to settle those old scores internally first. You've gotta totally rewire how you see yourself from the ground up. Once you actually start believing that you're capable, smart, and genuinely worthy of love, that's when you finally break out of that cycle of putting yourself down... it's tough, though. You have to recognize all those toxic patterns she shoved onto you, or even the ways you started mimicking her just because, well, she was your primary role model growing up. Honestly? Trying to do this solo is an uphill battle. You might make some progress, but then things get stressful and you end up falling right back into self-sabotage... it's much better to work with a therapist or join a support group. It helps to have that extra layer of guidance...😉

silvercyclist69 said:Envy is such a fascinating emotion to pick apart. We all feel it at some point, but I’m constantly wondering where we draw the line—when do we decide to actually lash out at someone because of what they have, and when do we just let it go? It seems like there's a massive divide here. You look at incredibly successful, wealthy people, and they rarely deal with this kind of resentment; instead, people tend to openly admire their achievements and their status. But then, on the flip side, you see certain individuals who get constant backlash and targeted simply because of their success. What’s the actual driver behind that? There’s this deep-seated concept of petty jealousy that pops up whenever one person gains even the slightest edge over another. It stems from those tiny, incremental differences between us. We like to tell ourselves we all started on a level playing field, which leads to that nagging thought: "If we all had the same shot, how did they end up getting ahead of me?" It’s strange to me how, in certain parts of the country, people will shower praise on criminals, folks who just moved in for quick cash, or career politicians, yet they’ll turn around and openly resent someone who is genuinely educated, hardworking, and building something legitimate. Where does that disconnect come from?

American society is basically built on upside-down values—ethically, morally, legally... you name it. In a place like this, you just have to expect all kinds of anomalies because the whole "order" and legal system we follow is pretty much an illusion at its core...
We’ve basically ended up with this massive class divide—you know, the classic split between the people who have everything and those who are just struggling to get by. Since there’s zero balance in the system, it’s turned into this toxic cycle... you’ve got one group feeling nothing but pure resentment because they see what others have and feel like life's been totally unfair to them, while the ones at the top? They just look down on everyone else with this total sense of superiority, knowing exactly how much power and luck they're sitting on... it's a mess...
When you factor in the total disaster that is our justice system, combined with the messy state administration and a government that’s basically just incompetent—plus all the cronyism... honestly, it couldn't be any worse...
Plus, let's be real—American society is pretty uneducated. And I don't mean that in a "did you go to college" kind of way, either... I’m talking about that actual, lived wisdom—that awareness of yourself, the people around you, and how the world actually works. We’re seriously lacking in that department over here...
That’s why people in America just can't seem to celebrate when someone else wins... It's like they haven't quite grasped that success isn't just about how much stuff you own or the size of your bank account. When you lack that sense of inner worth or actual self-respect, seeing someone else thrive feels like a personal attack on your own ego. Like, if someone has more material wealth than me, it suddenly means they're a "better" or "more valuable" person—and since everyone else measures life on this rigid social ladder, it makes you feel like you're just failing at life in general. So, the natural defense mechanism against all that frustration? Just trying to tear the other person down. People try to minimize what others have achieved or even sabotage a great project that could actually benefit the whole community... just because they're terrified of anything changing the status quo...

Everything that applies to an individual can be applied to society too—and if we’re being totally honest, our nation is acting like one big, massive psychological wreck... It’s like we just can't face reality or see the fallout from our own actions. There's zero moral accountability here. Everyone wants the quick fix without actually putting in the sweat or the work, which feels pretty narcissistic if you ask me. We all act like victims, thinking we're somehow entitled to more or better than everyone else just because... well, why not? It's basically just one giant, immature personality with a really narrow view of how the world actually works...

If we’re being real about what "success" actually looks like, I’d say having your health, a roof over your head, and food in the fridge makes us pretty successful people—especially if you’ve got a steady paycheck, solid health insurance, a retirement plan, some downtime, and the chance to hang out with friends or keep learning stuff... that's a pretty good life in my book. But if you define success by having $10,000 sitting in a savings account or driving around in a luxury car, you’re basically signing up to be miserable and frustrated for the rest of your life. You end up ignoring everything else that actually matters, and let's face it—most people just can't afford a high-end ride in their garage. When we chase those kinds of unrealistic goals, we lose touch with reality... and honestly, if you start getting aggressive and trying to key your neighbor's car because you're feeling inadequate, you probably need to see a therapist...

ambertinker10 said:I concur that the local mentality presents a significant challenge, yet I must remain honest and admit that it is not the sole issue; there are certainly shortcomings within myself as well...

However, one does have more opportunity. To provide a banal example: I observe organic oranges at Walmart priced at $2.75/lb, only to see them marked down to $1.75 the following day because they began to spoil... one can certainly be highly capable, but regardless of competition, if there is no market, success becomes much harder to attain...

And finally, since this is how I approach things, have you actually lived abroad, or is this all just hearsay?

You get more chances to actually end up with, say, 10% left over at the end of the month—which is like 3 or 4 times what we see here since our standard of living is honestly pretty rough compared to theirs.
I haven't lived it myself, but a ton of my friends headed abroad... the common theme is just grinding 24/7, seven days a week—some even pulling double shifts if you actually want to make some real money. You try to tell yourself that having $1,100 left over plus maybe $250 per kid is worth it, but meanwhile, you aren't seeing your wife or kids for months on end and you have zero life because, let's face it, as a foreigner you're treated like cheap labor. Major respect to the engineers who manage to pull decent salaries both here and over there that actually let them live well...

ambertinker10 said:I agree with you, however,

that "escape" isn't just about personal struggles; it also touches upon the broader systemic issues that plague thousands of citizens across this country.

Of course, I would love to simply start over with a new life, given that my experiences thus far haven't been particularly positive. Naturally, I accept that life will always contain negative elements, difficult people, and mistakes, and that things won't be perfect elsewhere either—I will still have to deal with all sorts of people there.

Right now, I am stuck here—and again, I say, it won't be any better elsewhere—dealing with the difficulty of being a good person to others, trying to engage in general conversation, while simultaneously dealing with people who act in direct opposition to the values they claim to hold.

In the end, I simply feel suffocated by this area and this lifestyle; I feel as though I am trapped in a downward spiral...

In the States, the people who make it are the ones who work hard, stay educated, and take responsibility... there's massive competition out there, and trying to adapt to a whole new set of social rules can be brutal. Anyone who hits those marks can find success, but if you've got big dreams but aren't willing to actually roll up your sleeves, you're just going to end up disappointed or stuck in those low-paying jobs where you're barely scraping by, just like back home. Like anything else, truly successful people are pretty rare... and if you're carrying around baggage like low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or struggling with stress and depression, man, it's going to be an uphill battle...
But hey, that's just my two cents...

Who are you trying to run away from? Yourself?
I mean, what do you really think you’ll find in a new city if you can't even find your footing where you are right now?
Sure, moving might give you a shot at a fresh start, but let's be real—how much of a head start does someone actually get when they're struggling with massive self-esteem issues, dropped into a totally unknown environment, feeling the pressure to land a job, settle into a routine, blend into a new workplace, meet new people, and basically rebuild their entire life from scratch..?
Running away sounds great in your head, but in the real world, you can't escape YOURSELF. If anything, the goal should be learning how to actually know and accept who you are..!
It feels like you've spent your whole life dodging self-acceptance—trying to ignore that you're actually a valuable, brave, and capable person who just happens to have some flaws along with a lot of strengths. You need to realize you're someone who knows what works for them and what doesn't, and someone carrying the weight of a rough upbringing that needs to be worked through, step by step, through actual self-growth..
Escaping hasn't helped anyone. You just end up facing different problems somewhere else—it's like trying to pour water from one leaky bucket into another; they're both broken, but you're still hoping the bottom won't give out this time..?

Things need to get sorted out now—not tomorrow, not in another state, and not at some different job. Your issue isn't your surroundings; it's that you personally need to put in the work to level up your own quality of life.
Personally, I only support "running away" if it's to build an emotional connection with a partner... because having that kind of support can be the anchor you need to adapt to a new place and actually make those internal changes. You can open up to a partner, which makes tackling problems and getting help so much easier... otherwise, you're just fighting against a world you perceive as negative, and that pressure could easily trigger old traumas and send you into a serious breakdown...

Amy Ramos93 said:Why is it that some people just don't want to (or maybe they just can't) be the frontman—the leader—but they thrive when they're playing second fiddle?
When you put them at the helm of a crew, a non-profit, or even a local political committee, they basically stay invisible. But once they step into that number two spot—the deputy role—that’s when their actual potential finally shows up. They go all in for the team or the project, sometimes even outworking the actual boss.

Can anyone explain why this happens?

Not everyone is cut out for everything... honestly, that's the simplest way to look at what you're asking...
As for what that actually means in the real world...
Take a high-ranking politician in D.C., for example. That job is anything but easy—you're making calls that shape people's lives, deciding whether to send troops into combat, dealing with loss, and carrying the weight of those massive decisions. It’s totally plausible that someone with incredibly rigid moral standards might struggle there—if their conscience is constantly eating at them, they won't be able to make tough calls objectively and move forward, which basically makes them unable to do the job effectively...
It's the same deal with corporate bosses. Very few people actually have those innate leadership qualities, and even fewer stay cool under pressure. Taking full responsibility is heavy stuff, which is why the rewards for those who can handle it are usually much higher...
A lot of people hit their stride once you take that crushing weight of ultimate responsibility off their shoulders. They excel at executing tasks with precision—they'll do their job better than anyone else without getting paralyzed by moral dilemmas or guilt trips. They might end up being the ones motivating the rest of the team, or maybe they'll naturally step up as mentors because of their expertise, which ends up elevating the whole group to a much higher level...
That's why I think it's so important to figure out where you actually fit—whether we're built for a specific role, if we can carry that big-picture responsibility, or if we're better suited for tackling concrete tasks that actually feel rewarding and keep us motivated...

Ronald Howard3 said:Let me offer my take on this...

Objectively speaking, I don't see any real chance for a fundamental turnaround. These problems have been festering far too long and they're just too tangled—plus, the price tag for a fix is something most people simply won't stomach. For instance, our colleague Shadow suggested analyses implying we need to significantly lower labor costs. But let's be real: slashing wages is basically impossible without messing with the exchange rate. Messing with the currency leads straight to a banking collapse, wiping out savings and tossing retirees into poverty. Given our demographic shift—where seniors will soon outnumber workers and would sell their own mothers for $33 higher pensions—that’s political suicide. Not to mention, tanking wages would just accelerate the brain drain to other parts of the European Union.

I suspect we'll hit a breaking point once the timing and circumstances align—and we likely won't have to wait long. In short, way too many people benefit from the status quo, which means there's zero political will to actually change anything. People don't want to grind for fifteen years to enjoy a better life later; they want it right now, and they expect someone else to foot the bill.

No chance, really. This is just a cosmetic government that waltzed into power without a concrete plan or even a basic program. Neither the left nor the right actually cares about tackling the burning issues in our economy, the courts, public administration, monetary policy, agriculture, manufacturing, and all that stuff...
Truth is, these folks don't have the know-how to fix the deep-seated messes in the American economy, nor do they actually care to try. What we can probably expect instead is a bunch of empty rhetoric, more cronies getting cushy jobs, an economic meltdown, printing money, a fresh spiral into recession, and eventually, being totally unable to pay back debts. The problems are just too deep to be fixed with surface-level patches by incompetent people with questionable morals. You have to wonder why American politicians would ever choose to play the sacrificial lamb—what's in it for them? Even much more mature European States couldn't pull off serious reforms after the 2008 crisis, so why on earth would America manage it?
And again, the American people aren't really grasping the situation they're in, nor the sacrifices that need to happen to solve these problems...
With the upcoming crisis from the Middle East, America won't find its footing again, and that might just be the final nail in the coffin...
My advice to anyone who can afford it? Go find some security elsewhere, because we're looking at apocalyptic times in a year or two...

Douglas Phillips7 said:Hmm.. you didn't get any interest? Because I already have two people interested right here.
And you don't necessarily need a psychiatrist; this type of therapy was originally designed to be used independently. So, look at this as mere support to make sure no one gives up too early and to give us a chance to socialize a bit. As for those "dominant" types, they deal with the exact same issues and would surely have the empathy and willingness to help others. There's no need to dig deep, force anything, or overcomplicate things. This isn't meant to be a replacement for medical treatment.

Look, if we're talking about a friendly, honest chat over coffee to swap stories, then yeah, that's great. Talking to others helps you realize you're not alone in your struggles, and you can pick up tips on how people handled their own fears... But for the more serious work, you really need someone to show you a different path, point out where your behavior might be tripping you up, and keep the group dynamic moving forward...
Either way, hanging out like that is a good thing and I'm all for it...👍

Douglas Phillips7 said:Here is my previous post on this topic if you want to dive a bit deeper:

Zero response so far, what a bummer...😢

Just a heads-up—if you’re actually thinking about starting a group, you really need a psychiatrist running the show. It works just like real life, honestly... everyone falls into their own little roles. You’ll end up with those dominant personalities doing all the talking while everyone else just sits there watching and staying quiet. You need someone there to moderate the vibe, guide the conversation, and help pull out all that buried fear, aggression, or anger... someone to actually push you toward making a change...

Trying to grab coffee with a group where everyone's actually opening up? Man, that’s a tough nut to crack when you're all strangers... It usually takes months of hanging out in a group setting before people finally feel safe enough to get real and talk about their private lives. You just can't manufacture that kind of trust over a quick latte—there's zero chance of it happening that fast... even if the vibe of meeting people who've been through the same stuff is definitely worth it...

Sean Sanchez14 said:Man, he’s basically totally estranged from his family. Things are just super messy there... They're all living over in Canada, not here in the States, so he only really gets to see them maybe once around Easter or sometimes during Christmas.
So, he only really talks to his sister maybe once a week, if that... sometimes not even then. And when his parents try calling him? Nothing. He just doesn't pick up. He left home pretty young, too—right after he graduated high school, he just packed up and headed straight for New York City.
So, it’s his dad’s birthday today, and honestly? His girlfriend had to give him a massive heads-up to actually say something. Like, if she hadn't stepped in, he totally would've just blanked on it. He’s such a space cadet sometimes, it's kind of ridiculous.
His relationship with his family is honestly pretty rough... and he claims that girl is just being her usual self with every other girl she meets, too.
Look, I’ve never once asked anyone to make a choice between me and their family. Like, that’s just not how I roll. But honestly? After two years together, don't I deserve to actually be part of the picture? To have his family know who I am? He’s already met everyone in my family... all of them. And I’m not ashamed of that. Not even a little bit. Plus, they all pretty much welcomed him with open arms.

I don't know, man... some weird stuff has been going on inside his head lately. It’s like he’s just not himself. And honestly? Our whole relationship ended up paying the price for it. Everything just fell apart because of all that chaos. 😢 I’m struggling, honestly. I feel like I’m just falling apart here, but whatever... if he cares more about some random girl than he does about me, then fine. Let him have her. But seriously, what kind of guy prioritizes a pretty face when he can't even keep food on the table? When things get real and there’s nothing left to eat, I’m the one who’s actually there. It’s just... everything about this is starting to gross me out. I’m not the type of person to just cut him off or throw him away like he’s doing to me, though. I just can't help how much this sucks.
If things get any worse, we’re basically doomed. We share the exact same zodiac sign, and honestly? It’s a disaster because we’re both incredibly emotional. Like, we actually end up crying sometimes... but hey, what does that even matter anymore when I've been a total wreck, just crying for days on end lately?

He clings to his sister because he's struggling and needs support...
He isn't clinging to you because he doesn't love you..
Everything else is just noise...
How you get through this is entirely up to you..
His mental mess is his own business, and you aren't some old rag someone can just pick up and hug or toss aside whenever they feel like it..
That's all I've got, gotta go earn a paycheck today...🙂

Look, family matters to all of us—that sense of belonging is huge. It makes total sense, too, since our parents are usually the ones giving us support, understanding, a helping hand, or even financial backing... plus there's the whole inheritance thing down the road. We all try our best to keep things smooth with them. Most people, when they're caught in the middle of drama between their relatives and their partner, will choose family every single time. I mean, you can always find a new girlfriend, but you only get one family...😉
Let’s be real, these kinds of dynamics almost always involve some level of bickering. A guy should never be put in the position where he's forced to pick between his partner and his family—it's a total lose-lose situation. The goal should really be finding a way to have healthy relationships with everyone. If not, you're just asking for massive headaches later on.

As for the OP, honestly? I think she should just walk away from the relationship. Using "family" as an excuse feels like a smokescreen for a mountain of underlying issues that weren't being handled properly in the first place. Now that the breakup is happening, it seems like everyone's just scrambling to point fingers and find someone to blame...

Living with this constant fear for your own health and your life—it’s honestly pretty terrifying, especially when you're dealing with these sudden attacks that just happen out of nowhere, totally out of your control, and feel like they could actually take you out. Most people don't really know how to wrap their heads around that kind of stress, so if you're feeling it, I'd seriously suggest reaching out to a psychiatrist ASAP. You've basically gotta find a way to accept the condition and figure out how to live alongside it...

So many people struggle with decision fatigue—you know, that constant loop of second-guessing whether you actually made the right call after buying something. I get that having options is technically a good thing, but honestly? Too much choice is just a drag because it eats up all your time just trying to decide... A classic example would be something totally mundane like toilet paper. You walk down the aisle at Target or Walmart and there are like fifty different brands staring back at you, when really, it doesn't even matter that much. As long as it’s soft enough and holds together, you're fine. But companies use this variety to mess with your head—most of these products do the exact same job, and those fancy price tiers are basically a scam. Like, paying extra for four-ply is just wasting resources since three-ply works perfectly fine... and those cheaper rolls? They just fluff the paper up so the roll looks bigger than it actually is. To deal with all this overwhelming choice, people usually just default to whatever big brand they recognize. It's not even about finding the best quality anymore; it's just that we're too busy to hunt for the perfect item, so we grab the name brand we trust, even if their stuff isn't actually that great. It’s all just niche marketing designed to squeeze more profit out of us by using "marketing engineering" to trick us into picking their specific brand...
I should probably mention that indecisive people often handle this by just picking one thing at random to avoid the headache, and then just accepting that we're human and mistakes happen. Testing things out is part of life, and nothing bad is gonna happen if you pick the "wrong" brand once in a while...

Is this bothering you because of what’s actually happening, or just because of what you think everyone else expects from you..?
I feel like anxiety usually leaks out through body language, and honestly, that nervous energy can just eat you alive... maybe you're feeling like you aren't coming across as "alpha" enough or super confident in what you're saying? It makes it hard for people to really latch onto what you're saying—especially in a big group where some people are just naturally chill, or they've got that knack for storytelling and keeping everyone hooked...
The thing is, it feels like you're turning something small into a massive deal in your own head. Just try to relax and be yourself—like, the real you—instead of trying to force some version of yourself that just isn't clicking... Not being the life of the party doesn't mean people are judging you negatively. Let others do their thing, and don't hold yourself back just because you've convinced yourself you aren't interesting enough or that people are looking down on you... You'll know if someone actually doesn't like you when they actively distance themselves, but right now, you're creating that gap yourself based on stuff that isn't even real...
Just breathe and enjoy yourself... If huge crowds aren't really your vibe, don't force it. Only speak up when you actually feel like talking...

(No content provided to rewrite.)

ruggedskipper11 said:Jerry Wilson13, man, living in the moment and just focusing on today? That’s basically a rebirth. It’s like you can finally breathe!
But me? I’m never in the moment. Everything just feels like it's passing me by because my head is constantly spinning with these negative, out-of-control thoughts.
Back in the day, reading books about all this stuff actually helped. My faith isn't what it used to be, but when things get heavy, you grab onto whatever you can find.
The questions you asked—man, they hit me right in the chest.
To answer where I'm at: honestly, ever since I opened my eyes this morning, I've been terrified. I'm scared of myself—specifically, how I'll react if that certain person doesn't call or text. I'm scared of feeling totally lost and failing at even the simplest daily tasks. I worry about how I'm gonna hide this restless, miserable version of myself from the people close to me. I wonder if I'll burn myself out with all this anxiety to the point where I can't even hit the gym (and honestly, that's the one thing that keeps me sane). Then the spiral starts. I start thinking we won't see each other anymore. I wonder if I messed up, or if they noticed something was off during our last hangout... if they realized I'm struggling.

Jerry Wilson13 wrote such a beautiful post about that mental fatigue we all deal with. It’s like you’ve taken these tiny, insignificant thoughts and turned them into actual enemies—just fighting a constant battle against them every single day. These negative loops trigger this deep sense of fear and despair, whispering that you’re not good enough, that everything’s going to fall apart, or that life just doesn't have any point... And look, fear is one of those heavy-duty emotions that forces you into survival mode, so you end up fighting desperately just to stay afloat. The thing is, there are usually two ways this plays out. Either you fight the thoughts head-on—which honestly just makes you focus on them even more, giving them way too much power in a sort of endless, exhausting loop that just drains you from the inside out... or you try to get ahead of them by being "preventative." That usually looks like obsessing over every possible worst-case scenario or getting lost in perfectionism just to avoid a mistake that might trigger those feelings again. But then, when things aren't perfect, the old voices come back saying you failed or that nothing matters... which just feeds right back into the fear and anxiety...

Let's just head back to square one...
Look, you've got all the facts on your side—you're young, healthy, sharp, and you've got food in the fridge and a drink in your hand. You even finished school and you've got a boyfriend, too. By any universal standard, you're basically crushing it as a woman...
Let’s try to dig into what’s actually going on here. Honestly, it sounds like you might have dealt with some intense pressure back when you were a kid—probably from one of your parents... You likely learned pretty early on that making a mistake meant facing some serious consequences, so you started working overtime to make sure nothing ever went wrong. It's like you basically trained yourself to deny your own right to mess up, because back then, an error didn't just mean a correction—it meant fear, being yelled at, or even getting hit... turns out that's a hard habit to break...
In your desperate attempt to shield yourself from all those bad vibes, you've basically gone into full overdrive—setting these crazy rules and restrictions for yourself... like, you can't make a single mistake, you can't let anyone see you stumble, and you’re constantly terrified your boyfriend will walk out if you aren't performing perfectly. You feel like you won't even be able to function unless everything is flawless... because to you, a breakup or a little disappointment feels like pure agony and suffering. But honestly? It just shows how deeply insecure you really are. This fear of messing up is just piling irrational anxieties on top of each other in an endless loop... until you eventually hit a wall of total exhaustion or a full-blown panic attack...

So, let's break this down—deep down, you're still that little kid, maybe five or six years old, totally terrified of getting grounded when you mess up. You’re basically that vulnerable little thing, just scared of the pain, the fear, and being judged by your parents... But here's the kicker: that kid grew up. Now you're staring down all these massive adult problems and responsibilities head-on, and because you haven't moved past those old fears, everything just feels completely overwhelming...

You’ve gotta get to the root of the problem, and that's really just the fear of getting busted, being rejected, or just plain messing up. Honestly, you have every right to feel that way—we all do... It helps if you just focus on the here and now. There is no yesterday, there's no tomorrow, there's just right here, right now. Don't worry about how you'll feel tomorrow or what's gonna happen down the road—just try to take action in this exact moment. Let your thoughts flow without fighting them too hard... maybe try some meditation, it actually helps quite a bit. Also, if you start spiraling into those "what if" scenarios, just go ahead and play it out. Imagine the absolute worst-case scenario and think about what would actually happen. I guarantee you'd come out of it totally fine. Maybe things would sting a little, or you'd be a bit embarrassed, or maybe you'd lose some cash or someone from your life... but you'd still be YOU, you know? Just realize that this obsession with analyzing and controlling everything is just that wounded inner child inside you, terrified of shame and being punished. That's not who you are... you're a grown, strong woman, just like I said at the start...
Look, you’re allowed to mess up—you’re allowed to be whoever the hell you want to be, and nobody has any right to stop you. Life happens one second at a time, and honestly, there’s zero guarantee you’ll even be here tomorrow, let alone that everything will go exactly according to your master plan. So, don't sweat the small stuff too much... just let things be what they are. Try to live in the moment and really dig into those fears and emotions you're feeling. Figure out where that fear is actually coming from—maybe it’s tied to something back in your childhood or something... Give yourself the power to actually recognize why you feel this way and what’s triggering those moods.

I know, I know—it's way easier said than done. But it comes down to practice. It took years to build up those negative habits and that self-sabotaging mindset you're stuck in, so it's gonna take months of real work on yourself to find your footing again. You have to do this, though... because the way you're living right now is basically a living hell, and you're the one who walked into it. Nobody deserves to feel like this...🙂

Laura Williams73 said:To all my fellow bloggers, known and unknown,
I’ve spent a long time reading through your comments, some of them clever, some funny, some entertaining, and some just plain nonsense—but that’s just how it goes. However, there is another side to life. I want to start a thread about that other, darker side. Here is my situation:
I am 62 years old, I have a solid marriage, and we’re doing alright financially—nothing ever really went missing for us. We had 34 good years like that. Then, out of nowhere, cancer appeared, spreading its metastases and starting to consume my wife. Despite all the treatments, chemo, surgeries, and radiation, it keeps eating away at her. It reached her brain and turned my wife into a vegetable. She is currently in a hospice facility while I stay home. I am losing my mind and seeing psychiatrists. They give me their clinical speeches, and my friends and relatives try to comfort me, but that only lasts an hour or two before they head back to their happy families, leaving me alone in this empty house. I rely on Xanax and similar chemicals just to get four or five hours of sleep. I would like to hear from bloggers who are facing similar issues—widows and widowers—who can help me navigate this crisis, because the end is very close and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks in advance for any advice.
P.S.
And finally (cruel as it may sound), how am I supposed to survive my remaining ten years within these four walls?

Let's just lay the facts out on the table... you're a healthy, active guy with a decent setup in your golden years. Now is actually the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor in retirement and do whatever you want, because you've actually got plenty of time left. Losing the person who was your partner through thick and thin hits a man hard. If you can't—or won't—start thinking about yourself and the time you have left, there isn't anyone who can just give you a magic piece of advice to make you feel positive or help you get over your wife.
Just give yourself time to grieve, and give yourself a shot at enjoying life again. That's entirely up to you. Even if it feels meaningless right now, it just means you haven't found that meaning yet, and you have to work for it. Look, life is a struggle, and you can't ever just give up on that fight. You have endless possibilities—hang out with people your own age, travel, pick up a hobby, read, walk, joke around, meet new people, volunteer, post on forums, share your experiences, or try something totally new that you never had the chance to do before. If depression is holding you down, it might be worth being on antidepressants for a while just to get a little lift. Just realize that no matter how tough fate gets, it's part of life. Everyone goes through stuff like this sooner or later, and you just have to try to accept it, look for the silver lining, and keep moving forward...😉

Thomas Jones132;55959821 said:

Donna White50 said:Thomas Jones132...

All she cares about is the money and being in charge. She needs someone to look after her. Honestly, the easiest fix is obvious—hand over the house and the assets to Social Services, and they can take care of her in a nursing home.

How much are we talking? Like $50k or $60k? DON'T let her wreck your life (or your kids' lives if you have them). Sure, she needs help now that she's vulnerable, but if she's demanding you guys step up, it's because she's looking out for herself, not out of love. Reading your story was rough enough, imagine living through it for years. If she wanted a real relationship with her kids, she should've done it decades ago—like she said she should've done with your dad (I can't imagine any sane person saying that about their late husband to their own kids). It's too late to fix things with her, but it's not too late for YOU... or for mending things with your siblings.

Since I've been in psychotherapy for quite a while now—and honestly, I see cases like yours all the time—plus I've dealt with some pretty similar stuff within my own family... I feel like I can offer a little perspective on this...
Your mother is a total narcissist—someone who just can't wrap her head around anyone else's needs and refuses to take any responsibility for the wreckage she leaves behind... Your dad was way too passive, too, and never figured out how to actually set boundaries with her. He ended up feeling trapped in this endless cycle, thinking if he just achieved enough or checked enough boxes, he could finally satisfy her toxic whims. So instead, he just took his own life. In my eyes, she’s the one who killed him, yet somehow she gets off scot-free without anyone holding her accountable. I really hope you realize exactly what kind of person you're dealing with. She only cares about her own agenda, and she'll use every single tool at her disposal just to stay in control...
There’s honestly no point even trying to talk to her about how you feel or what you need—she just doesn't have the capacity for it. She’s emotionally stunted and sees herself through this totally flawless lens... everyone else is always the villain, and in her mind, nobody has any right to say a single word to her. One minute she's acting like a tyrant, and the next she's playing the victim—she just switches personas whenever it suits her best.
Trying to have a real conversation with someone like that is just a waste of breath. The only thing you can actually do is set some hard boundaries so she stops messing with your life, because trust me, she’s just waiting for an opening to take over if you let her.
It's honestly crazy to go looking for justice or try to get revenge... it'll just drain you dry and you won't find any peace of mind at the end of it.
I also think you realize how incredibly tough it is to deal with caring for an elderly, frail parent like this. First off, you aren't OBLIGATED to do more than your brothers and sisters. It makes total sense that they were closer to Mom since they could actually count on her for support—not to mention how she probably played them like a fiddle to get what she wanted. They're mostly just eyeing the inheritance and trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her... their neutrality is pretty understandable. What isn't understandable is your drive to fight for justice or worry about all these issues surrounding her old age. In my opinion, assisted living is probably the most realistic move—Mom likely has some sort of Social Security or pension, so maybe you three can chip in to cover the difference, or she could just sell some property to pay her own way.
You really should have settled things with your mother a long time ago. Deep down, it’s still eating at you—you just can't forgive her for how she acted and for what happened with your dad.
You need to focus on yourself and work through this anger and pain internally instead of reaching out to her again... otherwise, you’re just going to end up hurt all over again by this whole unfair mess happening both inside you and right in front of your eyes, while you're stuck feeling powerless to change anything regarding her or your siblings.
Just turn inward if you think that's best. Try to heal those wounds and maybe one day, when you're truly ready, just throw all that anger straight in her face—not because she'll actually "get it," but because saying it will finally feel good for you and help your own emotions settle.
A narcissistic parent does massive damage to their kids—honestly, to anyone forced to endure them. These narcissists walk the streets freely, but they really belong in psychiatric wards... their behavior mentally destroys perfectly normal people who eventually end up broken and desperate, seeking help from a therapist. Don't let yourself be the one who ends up having the hardest life and spiraling into a psychiatrist's office because of this whole situation...😢

You've got to stop worrying about everyone else—especially people who aren't even around anymore. You need to focus on yourself first, and then your own immediate family should be the priority. Stop trying to solve a million-piece Rubik's Cube that you can't realistically fix. You aren't going to find "justice," and honestly, the person will eventually face their own consequences once you realize it's not worth wasting your life and your sanity on a relationship with your mother... especially if you can manage to keep things civil with your brother and sister separately.
Mom has her own assets from her life that she can use however she wants in her old age.
Like I said, there's no way to fix the unfixable. There isn't anything you can do to earn respect from someone who simply isn't capable of giving it. If you keep fighting these facts, you're only hurting yourself.

Thanks for the kind words, though. I hope you take something away from these comments and stop wasting your energy on things that don't matter...😉

Thomas Jones132...

Morgan Newman7 said:Hmm...
My brother and sister are close, but they have absolutely no intention of stepping up to help her.
Right now, my brother isn't even in contact with her, and my sister reaches out very rarely.
As for me, we aren't close either—it's not even an option for her to come stay with me.
Regarding caregiving, there's this unspoken agreement among us that nobody is willing, or even prepared, to take on that responsibility. So, if things reach a breaking point, she'll likely have to move into an assisted living facility, which I don't feel is our burden to carry.
It would be a huge deal for her, though; she'd probably throw a massive fit, but we'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
She was always such a dominant force, you know? Everything was always strictly on her terms.
I know it's hard to let go of material things, but at this stage in her life, those possessions aren't helping her one bit—she needs people, not stuff.
Well, it is what it is; I just hope we can all get through this peacefully and maintain as much dignity as possible.

Hmm...
My brother and sister are close, but they have absolutely no intention of stepping up to help her.
Right now, my brother isn't even in contact with her, and my sister reaches out very rarely.
As for me, we aren't close either—it's not even an option for her to come stay with me.
Regarding caregiving, there's this unspoken agreement among us that nobody is willing, or even prepared, to take on that responsibility. So, if things reach a breaking point, she'll likely have to move into an assisted living facility, which I don't feel is our burden to carry.
It would be a huge deal for her, though; she'd probably throw a massive fit, but we'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
She was always such a dominant force, you know? Everything was always strictly on her terms.
I know it's hard to let go of material things, but at this stage in her life, those possessions aren't helping her one bit—she needs people, not stuff.
Well, it is what it is; I just hope we can all get through this peacefully and maintain as much dignity as possible.

All she cares about is the money and being in charge. She needs someone to look after her. Honestly, the easiest fix is obvious—hand over the house and the assets to Social Services, and they can take care of her in a nursing home.

How much are we talking? Like $50k or $60k? DON'T let her wreck your life (or your kids' lives if you have them). Sure, she needs help now that she's vulnerable, but if she's demanding you guys step up, it's because she's looking out for herself, not out of love. Reading your story was rough enough, imagine living through it for years. If she wanted a real relationship with her kids, she should've done it decades ago—like she said she should've done with your dad (I can't imagine any sane person saying that about their late husband to their own kids). It's too late to fix things with her, but it's not too late for YOU... or for mending things with your siblings.

All she cares about is the money and being in charge. She needs someone to look after her. Honestly, the easiest fix is obvious—hand over the house and the assets to Social Services, and they can take care of her in a nursing home.

How much are we talking? Like $50k or $60k? DON'T let her wreck your life (or your kids' lives if you have them). Sure, she needs help now that she's vulnerable, but if she's demanding you guys step up, it's because she's looking out for herself, not out of love. Reading your story was rough enough, imagine living through it for years. If she wanted a real relationship with her kids, she should've done it decades ago—like she said she should've done with your dad (I can't imagine any sane person saying that about their late husband to their own kids). It's too late to fix things with her, but it's not too late for YOU... or for mending things with your siblings.

Since I've been in psychotherapy for quite a while now—and honestly, I see cases like yours all the time—plus I've dealt with some pretty similar stuff within my own family... I feel like I can offer a little perspective on this...
Your mother is a total narcissist—someone who just can't wrap her head around anyone else's needs and refuses to take any responsibility for the wreckage she leaves behind... Your dad was way too passive, too, and never figured out how to actually set boundaries with her. He ended up feeling trapped in this endless cycle, thinking if he just achieved enough or checked enough boxes, he could finally satisfy her toxic whims. So instead, he just took his own life. In my eyes, she’s the one who killed him, yet somehow she gets off scot-free without anyone holding her accountable. I really hope you realize exactly what kind of person you're dealing with. She only cares about her own agenda, and she'll use every single tool at her disposal just to stay in control...
There’s honestly no point even trying to talk to her about how you feel or what you need—she just doesn't have the capacity for it. She’s emotionally stunted and sees herself through this totally flawless lens... everyone else is always the villain, and in her mind, nobody has any right to say a single word to her. One minute she's acting like a tyrant, and the next she's playing the victim—she just switches personas whenever it suits her best.
Trying to have a real conversation with someone like that is just a waste of breath. The only thing you can actually do is set some hard boundaries so she stops messing with your life, because trust me, she’s just waiting for an opening to take over if you let her.
It's honestly crazy to go looking for justice or try to get revenge... it'll just drain you dry and you won't find any peace of mind at the end of it.
I also think you realize how incredibly tough it is to deal with caring for an elderly, frail parent like this. First off, you aren't OBLIGATED to do more than your brothers and sisters. It makes total sense that they were closer to Mom since they could actually count on her for support—not to mention how she probably played them like a fiddle to get what she wanted. They're mostly just eyeing the inheritance and trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her... their neutrality is pretty understandable. What isn't understandable is your drive to fight for justice or worry about all these issues surrounding her old age. In my opinion, assisted living is probably the most realistic move—Mom likely has some sort of Social Security or pension, so maybe you three can chip in to cover the difference, or she could just sell some property to pay her own way.
You really should have settled things with your mother a long time ago. Deep down, it’s still eating at you—you just can't forgive her for how she acted and for what happened with your dad.
You need to focus on yourself and work through this anger and pain internally instead of reaching out to her again... otherwise, you’re just going to end up hurt all over again by this whole unfair mess happening both inside you and right in front of your eyes, while you're stuck feeling powerless to change anything regarding her or your siblings.
Just turn inward if you think that's best. Try to heal those wounds and maybe one day, when you're truly ready, just throw all that anger straight in her face—not because she'll actually "get it," but because saying it will finally feel good for you and help your own emotions settle.
A narcissistic parent does massive damage to their kids—honestly, to anyone forced to endure them. These narcissists walk the streets freely, but they really belong in psychiatric wards... their behavior mentally destroys perfectly normal people who eventually end up broken and desperate, seeking help from a therapist. Don't let yourself be the one who ends up having the hardest life and spiraling into a psychiatrist's office because of this whole situation...😢

Betty Kim11 said:I appreciate the response, but I find it impossible to maintain an "I don't give a damn" attitude indefinitely. You're right, though—I need to stop obsessing over everyone else's opinion of me. Thank you.

You gotta start somewhere, you know? If you're constantly sweating what people think every time you make a move, you end up becoming a total slave to their opinions... and you can't build any real self-confidence that way. You need that little mental sanctuary where you just say "screw it" and do your thing. Eventually, once that mindset sticks and your confidence starts climbing, it becomes second nature to only care about certain voices—and even then, you'll judge people by who they actually are, not just by what they tell you. You can't let yourself become too dependent on outside validation, otherwise you'll just live in fear, never truly find yourself, and spend your whole life chasing approval from your parents, your buddies, your boss, or your partner... basically becoming a spineless shell of a person without an identity because you're letting everyone else define who you are...😉

Betty Kim11 said:Good day to everyone.
Ever since I can remember, I have lived with what I call a "perpetual state of dread." No matter how righteous my intentions may be, there is always this internal voice—persistent and unrelenting—urging me to simply walk away from whatever task is at hand. During my school years, I did everything by the book; I studied, I completed assignments, I performed—yet the anxiety remained constant. I have attempted various remedies: long walks through local parks to clear my head, listening to ambient music, even regular exercise—but nothing provides lasting relief. Is this a natural predisposition for certain individuals, or is this a flaw I brought upon myself? I am hesitant to seek professional help because people in my life have become increasingly judgmental—constantly questioning, "Why are you so anxious?" or "What are you actually afraid of?" or "Just relax!" Please, I am asking for your insight. 😕

Honestly, it sounds like you're getting tripped up because you're worried your work won't measure up. Since these thoughts keep looping, that urge to quit is basically just your brain trying to dodge the fear and those heavy emotions. It's like you're actually afraid of the fear itself, you know?
At the end of the day, it usually boils down to a lack of self-confidence. That's why you shy away from showing what you've done, struggle to make decisions, and fall into that perfectionism trap...
The truth is, we all mess up. We all try our best, sometimes we nail it, and sometimes we totally tank. People with real confidence just see those misses as part of the process—it doesn't wreck their self-esteem. You aren't going to die if you don't get an A+ on a project, or if you stumble over your words and someone laughs, or if things aren't just perfect. Just stop stressing so much and do your best... hope for the best, and if it sucks, it sucks. If you let those thoughts eat at you, they'll eventually swallow you whole. Try to tell yourself, "I'm gonna give this my all, but whatever happens, happens." If it goes sideways, you'll just try harder next time, and that's really it...😉

Don't ever let one bad moment define who you are—and definitely don't let a few setbacks become the foundation of your entire identity.